Breathing Room, Part I
Title: Breathing Room
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R (for sex and language)
Type: Multi-chap, romance
Summary: They thought they had everything worked out; they thought everything was as perfect as it could be, but there was one thing Sirius wanted that Remus wouldn’t give him and it was beginning to drive him mad.
Author’s Notes: Written in 4 parts. A sequel to The Sharing of Breath, but written in such a way that reading the first story is unnecessary. If you would like to read it, you can do so here: The Sharing of Breath Series
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Part I: Remembering Yesterday
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In a lot of ways, Dahlia looked like Sirius. Her hair was long and black, her eyes gray and her skin smooth. She was tall and slender and always wore a black skirt. Every time Sirius went to visit Remus at work, she was there, sitting at a round table, drinking tea and eating a cheese sandwich. It didn’t strike Sirius as odd - at first.
Remus worked at a small restaurant where tea, coffees, and cold sandwiches were served. He stood behind a counter, punching in numbers on a Muggle cash register and taking money for food and drink. The café was small, with a dozen tables inside and half a dozen outside, all round with two chairs. It opened up in the morning at about sunrise and closed right before dark. Remus was only able to get the job for three days a week, but it was enough money to keep up with Sirius’ new lifestyle of bars and billiards.
He didn’t have any skills for Muggle jobs and getting one in the wizarding world was out of the question because of his lycanthropy. Getting a part-time job was actually perfect, because no one questioned him when he disappeared for a couple days for the full moon. With a fulltime job, his employers might have begun to ask questions or sacked him for taking off work every single month. The café might not have been perfect, but it worked.
It was located in the outskirts of London and before his shifts, Remus would Apparate to Sirius’ house and walk the kilometer to work. He’d had the job for nearly a year and for the first few months, Sirius would sit at home or go bother James while Remus poured tea and counted money. That grew tiresome after a while and now Sirius had the habit of coming into the café about an hour before Remus closed up. He’d bring a book and have Remus give him tea or a plain Coke with no ice. There was a table in the corner that he liked to sit at, putting his legs up on the extra chair and reading whatever book Remus had recently given him.
Sirius went to visit Remus every shift without fail. He was fairly inconspicuous, only said his greetings to Remus and never spoke to anyone else. The other customers were always gone before Remus closed up and no one was the wiser. Then, after a few months, Sirius began to notice a girl coming in every time he was there. His sturdy ego told him that she was there because he was there, but it didn’t take long before he realized that the girl was there for Remus and not for him at all.
This time, he walked into the café, holding a copy of Anthem in his left hand. He pushed the hair away from his forehead and slapped the book down on the counter.
Remus turned and cleared his throat. His expression stayed neutral, but Sirius could see the amusement in his eyes.
“Can I get you something?”
“Yeah,” said Sirius. “I don’t care what. Surprise me.”
“All right.” Remus grabbed a white mug from the counter behind him and filled it with a light-colored liquid that steamed. “What book is that?” he asked as he handed the drink to Sirius.
Sirius snorted. “I dunno. This guy I know gave it to me and said I’d like it, but I dunno yet.”
“What’s it about?”
“We and us and the unspeakable word.”
“Sounds fascinating.”
“It’s interesting.”
Remus smiled and there was something in his eye, a glimmer that Sirius saw whenever he was looking at him.
“Well, enjoy your book, then.”
“Thanks.”
He went with his tea to his table and sat down. Opening up his book, he put the mug to his mouth and smiled. Remus had slipped a bit of liquor into it, the sneaky bastard.
“Hi.”
Sirius nearly choked on his tea as his eyes flicked up. Dahlia had pulled up a chair and sat down.
“Hi,” said Sirius.
“I wanted to introduce myself.”
“You’re Darcy,” retorted Sirius, knowing full well that wasn’t her name.
“Dahlia.”
“Whatever. I’m sure you know my name’s Sirius already.”
Dahlia nodded. “Aye.” She smiled. “I know you’re a friend of Remus’. I asked about you.”
“Yeah. We went to school together. Known him for nine and a bit years.”
“So you must know a lot about him, then.”
“Almost everything.” Sirius smoothed out the pages of his book and looked down at it, beginning to read and hoping that Dahlia would get the point that he wasn’t interested in a conversation with her. She was all right looking, with very thin features - a thin nose, thin cheeks, thin upper lip.
Dahlia reached over and placed her hand over the book. “I wanted to ask if you knew Remus’ type.”
“Type of what?” asked Sirius, removing Dahlia’s hand and holding the book up in front of him.
“Oh, you know what I mean, silly. What kind of person does he date?”
Sirius smirked. “Are you asking me if Remus would be interested in you?”
Dahlia nodded. “He’s very shy, isn’t he? And he has those scars that he won’t talk about. This summer he had on a t-shirt and I noticed he had some on his arms, not just his face. You know where he got them, don’t you?”
Sirius shrugged. “I guess.”
“He just seems so mysterious.”
“So that’s why you’re interested in him? What’ll you do once you learn his secrets and he stops being a mystery?”
“I don’t know about that. I come in here every day and he seems to like me. He’s very friendly.”
“Remus is friendly to everyone.”
“I know, he talks to me and he’s very appealing, isn’t he?”
“Extremely,” muttered Sirius, growing annoyed with Dahlia.
“Can’t you tell me what he looks for?”
“What Remus looks for?” Sirius was suddenly amused. He glanced over the top of his book at her. “Someone who’s clever and reads a lot of books ... humorous ... dark hair ... long hair ... tall, thin ...”
“Sounds like me,” said Dahlia with a large smile.
“Sounds like me,” said Sirius, looking back down at his book.
Dahlia laughed. “That’s funny. I think you’re the wrong gender for Remus.”
“I highly doubt it, seeing as how he’s gay.”
“That’s not true.”
“No?”
“No. He doesn’t act gay. I don’t believe you.”
“And how many gay people d’you know?”
“Well, none, but-”
“So you really wouldn’t know, would you?”
“I still don’t believe you.”
Sirius shrugged. As if on cue, Remus came over, holding a damp cloth in his hand. He wiped down each of the tables on the way to the one where Sirius sat with Dahlia. If the café was clear of customers, save Sirius, Remus normally pointed his wand and used magic to clean up. it was faster and more efficient and the owner loved it when Remus closed the store; no one got the place cleaner, he always said.
Sirius couldn’t help but looked at Remus, in his black t-shirt with the name of the café in white print, his jeans and black shoes. His hair still fell across his forehead in the same way it did when they were back at Hogwarts, but the scar that ran across his nose had faded considerably. There was something so easy about the way he looked and he wasn’t as good looking as Sirius or James were, but when he was in Sirius’ presence he held himself differently, with a confidence and demeanor that shouted I know I look good - which was probably because Sirius always thought Remus did look good.
“There’s fifteen minutes until closing,” he said. “Er - what are you two talking about?”
“Your friend here is trying to convince me I’m not your type,” said Dahlia, tossing her long hair over her shoulder in a flirtatious manner. Sirius sniggered.
Remus laughed uncomfortably and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “And how is he doing that?” he asked, but Sirius could tell the question was directed more at him than at Dahlia.
“By telling me you’re gay.”
“Oh. I see. I wonder why he’d say something like that.”
Sirius closed his book. “Well, I figure why lead her on? The truth is always the best answer.”
“Is it, Sirius? You’re a bastard sometimes.”
“So he’s lying, then?” asked Dahlia, a hopeful tone to her voice.
Remus sighed. “Partly,” he said. “Truth is, I’m in a relationship - if you can call it that,” he added, glaring at Sirius.
“With a girl, though, right?” Dahlia inquired, looking rather nervous, her eyes flickering uncertainly towards Sirius for a brief moment before returning to Remus.
“Not exactly ...” said Remus.
“Oh.” Dahlia stood up, her face turning very pink. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you were gay.”
“I’m not. I’m - never mind. I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I think you’re a great girl, but you’re probably a bit young for me anyway.”
“I’m nearly sixteen,” she said, holding her head a bit higher.
“I’m nearly twenty-one,” said Remus uselessly. “I’m sorry. I like you, I like talking about the books you’re reading in school, but unfortunately ... I’m sorry.”
Dahlia nodded and quickly left the café.
“I could hex you,” snapped Remus, taking out his wand and magicking all the tables clean. With another couple of flicks, he cleaned all the mugs, glasses, and plates, and put everything back in its place.
“She deserved the truth,” said Sirius.
“You’re an idiot.”
“She thought she had a chance with you. You’re so bloody nice to everyone.”
“So?” Remus pointed his wand at the mop and bucket, making them spring to life and clean the sticky floor where customers had spilt teas and Cokes and cheese sandwiches all day long.
Sirius stood up and faced Remus. “I didn’t like her.”
“You didn’t like her because you don’t trust me, you git.”
“I trust you,” said Sirius, “even though you still like girls.”
“Are we still on that? You’re gay. I’m not. Can’t we leave the conversation be? It’s getting tired.”
“If you’re going to be in a shit mood tonight, you can go on home to your mummy and I’ll go to the bar by myself.”
“I’m not in a shit mood!” Remus pointed his wand at the mop and bucket and made them stop their cleaning. He used a Scourgify to finish off the floor; it wasn’t as clean as when done by soap and water, but it seemed Remus wasn’t in the mood to care.
“Look,” said Remus, “I’m a really private person, aren’t I? I don’t like people knowing my secrets and I especially don’t want them knowing this one. It’s nothing to do with me still liking girls or the fact that you’re so bloody upset that I’m not gay and you are. I don’t want people knowing I’m involved with another man. Muggles are prejudice about gays the way wizards are prejudice about werewolves.”
“She wouldn’t have let up on you until you agreed to take her out.”
“I could’ve handled it. Though she’ll probably never come back here again. I’m not going to the bar with you. I haven’t the money this week.”
“Fine,” said Sirius. “We could go to the Muggle cinema.”
“I just said-”
“I’ll pay for you. Christ, Moony, you act like me paying for you is charity.”
“If we’re going to argue all night, I will go home.”
“If you don’t want to go to the cinema, what do you want to do?”
“Nothing. The cinema is fine,” said Remus, walking to the coat rack by the door and taking his jacket down. He pulled it on and reached for his scarf. “I don’t want to see any of your killing movies, though, where everyone kills everyone else. There’s enough of that with You Know Who.”
“But-”
“Please, no.”
“But there’s a movie out based on Heart of Darkness.”
Remus paused as he pulled on his gloves. “... Really?”
“I promise.”
“All right. But only because it’s based on a book.” Remus reached for the door handle, but Sirius stopped him.
“I didn’t mean to tell her the ... secret,” said Sirius. “I’m not jealous. I see you talk to girls all the time and it’s not a big thing. You don’t do well with confrontation and I thought it easier to tell her so she wouldn’t hound you ‘til you fucking caved and went on a date with her.”
“Like how you had to go on that date to Hogsmeade with that girl in seventh year?”
Sirius laughed. “Yeah! Bloody awful, that.” He took the ends of Remus’ scarf and twisted them around his hands. Pulling on them, he brought Remus close enough to kiss his mouth. “Don’t see the point of girls.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“What are you so afraid of?” asked Sirius. “I mean, afraid of people knowing? Not strangers - fine I shouldn’t of told Dannah-”
“Dahlia.”
“Whatever. But why not Lily and James? They probably know anyway so why not just bloody tell them?”
“Why do you want them to know so badly?”
“Because it’s been over two fucking years, Remus, and keeping it a secret is stupid and hard. It was hard enough trying to explain to them why I wasn’t bringing a date to the goddamn wedding and it’s been, like, two years since they got married and I still don’t have any dates - even though I do have dates. I just can’t tell them.”
“It’s none of their business. I’d have the same reaction if you were a girl. I don’t like people knowing intimate details of my life.”
“It’s not like I’d bloody tell them how you moan my name when I shove my cock up your arse.”
Remus shrugged out of Sirius’ grasp. “I cannot believe you said that. What’s wrong with you?”
Sirius groaned in frustration. “Remember all this shit with me only meeting you halfway? And how I had to get over myself and go all the way? If your version of halfway is all physical, then mine is - fuck, I don’t even know the right word for it - emotional.” Sirius paused. “Ohh good Christ, I’m a girl.”
“You are not. Shut up. I didn’t realize that having people know was so important.”
“No,” said Sirius, shaking his head. “Not people, just my best mate. I don’t like lying to him and making excuses when you’re at my house.”
“You make excuses?”
“Sometimes he’ll ask me to go out for a drink, but you’re over, so I have to owl him back and tell him I’m not in the mood. Which is stupid because I’m always in the mood to go out and he probably knows exactly what I’m doing instead, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s letting me live this fucking lie and I hate it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Remember that time in History of Magic, when he made that hangman puzzle that said, ‘Padfoot Loves Moony’?”
“Yes.”
“I denied it then. We both denied it back then. I’m tired of denying it. Why d’we keep telling them no? Gah, this is making me just about as mad as you not moving in makes me.”
“I don’t see what the big thing is,” said Remus, “if James and Lily already know.”
“Just forget it.”
“Padfoot, no.”
Sirius shook his head. Remus hardly ever used his nickname unless he was trying to placate him or if they were being particularly playful. Now was not the time for “Padfoot” and he wanted to forget the entire argument. The point wasn’t whether James and Lily knew, it was that Sirius couldn’t tell them. At Hogwarts, whenever James got in a row with Lily, he’d seek Sirius out to talk about it - or complain about Lily, rather. They didn’t share any matters of the heart, but Sirius always listened to him rant and helped him figure things out. It was hard not being able to go to James and tell him about something Remus had done to annoy, frustrate, or tick him off. Sometimes Sirius even thought that perhaps Lily would be a good ally - girls were usually good with untangling the confusing thoughts in one’s head.
He didn’t want to keep up the fight with Remus; it wasn’t worth it.
“Cinema?” asked Sirius.
“Fine, but I need to owl my mum and tell her not to send a search party for me when I don’t come home.”
Sirius smirked. “You’re twenty.”
“My mum worries about me. The whole lycanthropy bit makes her mad, so she’s protective.”
“She wouldn’t be so bloody protective if you’d just move in. Then you wouldn’t be around for her to worry about.”
“I’m not having this conversation with you.”
“All right, you can use my owl. Let’s go.”
Outside, the air was clear and still. It was cold enough to snow, but the ground was clean. In the morning there would most likely be the crunch of frost underneath Sirius’ feet when he went into the front garden to retrieve the Muggle newspaper that he got. Now, everything was clear and quiet, with a hazy light off in the horizon where the sun was dipping down between the trees for the night.
They walked down the pavement towards Sirius’ house shoulder-to-shoulder. They never held hands, even when no one was watching. It was as though they were just friends who sometimes did things together while without any clothes on.
Sirius breathed in the cold through his nose and felt the frost that laced the air in his lungs. They arrived to his house a few minutes later, walking up the few steps to his front door. The house was white and very small, with a kitchen, one toilet, one bathroom, and one bedroom. The largest room was rectangular and very long, a lounge and dining room combined. It was small, but Sirius loved it. He couldn’t imagine having a bigger house; he had enough trouble remembering to set the cleaning charms as it was now.
Remus went through the house and out the backdoor that was located through the kitchen. Sirius could hear him in the back garden calling for his owl. Sirius took his book out from his back pocket, where he’d shoved it before their walk home, and sat on the sofa. He opened it to where he’d left off, but he wasn’t very focused on the story.
Instead, his mind wandered. He tried to understand why Remus refused to move in. At Hogwarts, his reason had been that neither of them were mature enough to live together. Living in the dormitories was different, he’d argued, and Sirius imagined he was probably right. They had classes to escape to and elves to cook their meals. On their own they would have to fend for themselves and they wouldn’t have James to tell them to shut up when they began to row. Hogwarts was two years ago and now Sirius wanted Remus to just move his shit into his house and shut up about it.
Sirius got up from the sofa and went into his kitchen. Remus finished up his note to his mum, rolled it up, and tied it to the leg of Sirius’ owl.
“Ready?”
Remus nodded. “Yes, hold on a moment.” He offered his arm to the owl and she happily jumped on it. His fingers stroked her head as he opened the kitchen door. “Take this to my mum. You know where she is, yeah?”
The owl hooted and took off into the air.
“I hope your Muggle neighbors never see me sending that owl away. They’ll call animal control.”
Sirius sniggered. He fumbled in his coat pockets for his pack of Muggle cigarettes and pulled one out.
“Let me,” said Remus, taking his wand out of his pocket. “You always scorch your eyebrows when you try.” He tapped his wand against the end of Sirius’ cigarette, lighting it. “That’s a bad habit.”
“I’ve heard,” said Sirius, holding it out so Remus could take a drag on it.
“Did you do your laundry today?”
“My laundry? I still have two pair of clean pants.”
“I suppose that means ‘no,’ then.”
“I don’t do laundry ‘til I’ve got no underwear to wear. Why? It’s not like you live here to get on my back about chores.”
Remus must have detected the playful tone to Sirius’ voice for he smiled and poked Sirius in the side. “I just wondered because you said you’d wash the pajamas I keep here.”
“Did I say that?”
“Yes.”
“Can’t imagine why.”
“I should’ve known better than to trust you to do household chores.”
“Just go to sleep starkers,” said Sirius. “I’m sure before we sleep you’ll be wearing not very much in the way of clothes.”
“You know exactly how to sweet talk me,” retorted Remus rather dryly. “There’s so much sweet romance in our relationship my teeth are rotting.”
Sirius grinned. “Cinema. Let’s go.”
XXXXXXX
It was hard to gage when they officially got together. The word “officially” was a strange one. There hadn’t been a conversation about it; they just assumed they were together and that had been that. If Sirius calculated their relationship from the first time Remus had read to him, they’d been together for three years. If things began at that first kiss, then they’d been together only two and a half. Either way, it was bloody long enough for Remus to stop being such a twat and move in already!
It had been a bumpy road, getting together. Sirius had tried to stay in denial for as long as possible. He tried not to want Remus and then hated himself because he couldn’t help it. When Remus tried to kiss him for that first time, Sirius almost didn’t let him, almost told him he couldn’t do it, that he couldn’t be with a boy. He was weak when it came to Remus and he gave into that kiss and now, years later, they were still together.
Things couldn’t possibly have moved any slower, so they progressed rather quickly in their physical relationship. Sirius knew that if he wanted things with Remus to work he couldn’t do it just halfway - Remus had said as much anyway. It was a hard thing to accept, that he wanted to touch Remus everywhere, but Sirius bit back his fear, breathed out courage, and three weeks after their first kiss, he undid Remus’ trousers and touched him. Surprise, shock, astonishment, and amazement filled Remus’ eyes as Sirius bit his collar bone and brought him off.
After that, his shy, private, and secretive Remus made all the moves. It seemed as though Sirius’ initial move to progress their relationship past simple snogging was enough to fuel Remus to do everything that came after that. Hands and mouths in places that had never been touched before by another boy - places that had never been touched before by anyone. It was almost a year, however, before they had sex. They hadn’t talked about it, but it was the pink manticore in the room - the thing that they both knew they wanted, but neither of them would talk about it.
Remus was the one who brought it up, one night in May as they laid on the grass in the back garden, sharing a Muggle cigarette. At Hogwarts Remus never smoked, using his prefect status as an excuse, but now he did if Sirius did. Sometimes they’d smoke Muggle pot or wizard weed (called elfish bark), but Remus didn’t like losing control of his brain functions so he usually demurred, leaving Sirius to smoke with James whenever he could manage to tear himself away from Lily.
“Do you ever think about having sex?” Remus had asked as he handed the half-burnt cigarette back to Sirius.
“I’ve had sex already.”
“I meant with me.”
“Oh.” Sirius took an especially long drag, holding the smoke in his lungs until he felt his throat start to burn as the smoke began to rise to the back up into mouth. He exhaled and let out a short cough. “I dunno.”
“I think about it.”
“Really?”
Remus had nodded. “Yes.” He turned his head to look at Sirius. “Most people have sex, don’t they? You slept with girls at Hogwarts.”
It had taken a lot of willpower for Sirius to keep his gaze up at the crescent moon and not meet Remus’ eyes.
“Having sex with you would be kind of weird, wouldn’t it?” Sirius had finally said, after too-long a silence.
“Why would it be? We do everything else.”
“Yeah, but this is ... bigger. I don’t know if I could - the thought makes me all - fucking jittery. Look, I’m shaking.”
“That’s because you smoked the rest of that cigarette too quickly,” said Remus.
The cigarette in Sirius’ hand had been smoked all it was going to be and he hadn’t even realized he’d inhaled that many times. With a flick, Sirius tossed the cigarette away and sat up.
“James doesn’t know how often you come over,” he blurted.
Remus sniggered. “I didn’t figure you and he shared the intimate details of our lives. I can’t imagine his reaction if he knew the balls you played with weren’t your own.”
Sirius had nearly choked on his own saliva. “You say shit like that, Remus, and you sound like me. Really, though, James hasn’t got a single idea about what we do. I’ve never told him and he’s never asked. So sometimes it’s like I could almost pretend we never do anything, ‘cause no one knows. But if we had sex, I couldn’t really avoid it.”
“Do you want to?”
Sirius had shaken his head and sighed. “No and I never want to avoid it. I just meant that it would be easy to pretend nothing ever happens.”
“But if we had sex, your psyche would keep reminding you that everything is real?”
“Mmm hmmm,” said Sirius.
“I’ll go first.”
“Go first where?”
“First. I’ll let you have sex with me first.”
Sirius exhaled. “Shit,” he whispered. “All right. I want to. Just seems ...”
“Still seems like you shouldn’t be with another guy?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know.” He looked down at Remus, who was still lying on the grass. The scar that ran across his nose was hidden by shadow, but he still looked very much like Remus, thin and long, with fringe that threatened to completely hide his eyes and strong fingers that flexed, as though just waiting to touch Sirius.
“You’ve done it before, with girls, I mean. So you probably know what you’re doing better than I do so you can go first and I’ll learn from you.”
Sirius couldn’t deny that Remus’ logic made sense. “Let’s go inside.”
Remus had nodded and stood up, brushing grass and dirt from his jeans. He went in through the kitchen door and walked slowly into the lounge. Sirius grabbed his hand and pulled him into the bedroom. They fooled around, grinding against one another, their mouths everywhere, until Remus pulled back and told Sirius to do it.
Full of hazy lust, Remus’ eyes were dark and he had them half-closed as he looked up at Sirius. There had been a pregnant moment right after that, where they looked at one another, not saying anything at all. A calloused thumb brushed across Sirius’ unshaven cheek, making a scratchy noise by his ear. With his own fingers, Sirius ran his hands down Remus’ chest, past his hips, and towards his thighs. Their breaths mingled as Sirius bent down and kissed Remus. The kiss had been quiet and they didn’t say anything, but their silence hung in the air, surrounding them, and said everything they needed to hear.
They had already done the preparations by that point, not only just that night, but in the months before, if “preparations” was even the right word to call it. What they did was enjoyable, for both of them, but they also knew that their fingers and the bottle of slicky stuff had a purpose beyond just that immediate enjoyment.
At first, they’d been unable to figure out exactly how to position themselves before Sirius had said, “Fuck it,” and turned Remus over on his stomach. He had wanted to see Remus’ face, watch him closely, but he had also needed to do this and do this right then.
When he was in him - inside - everything felt different, intense, almost overwhelming. Not only did the act define the thing Sirius had never been ready to admit about himself, but it was with Remus, someone who was patient and understanding and didn’t push him to admit he preferred wizards over witches - which was actually a very comforting thing, considering the things he and Remus had been doing for over a year by that point.
Sirius had reached his hand around to Remus’ front and spread his fingers over his chest. There was a thumpthumpthump under his palm as Remus’ heart pumped quickly and erratically. His heart continued to race until Sirius finished.
He withdrew from Remus and fell on his side, breathing in deeply to try and catch his breath. Where once silence said everything, now it said nothing at all, and Sirius began to feel anxiety seep out of his pores like a poison; he was worried that Remus’ stillness meant the worst, meant that having sex had been a mistake.
“How was it?” asked Sirius, his voice seeming harsh as it broke the quiet.
“Interesting,” answered Remus.
“Is that a good or bad thing?”
Remus stretched and rolled over onto his back. His eyes were focused on the ceiling and his cheeks had a faint blush.
“It was good,” said Remus quietly, his blush deepening.
“Good?” Sirius smirked. “I was always good at sex.”
“Right.”
“D’you wanna do it again?”
“Can you even get it up yet?”
“I didn’t mean now.”
“Oh.” Remus was beginning to look like an overly ripe tomato. “Yes. I’d do it again.”
Sirius had lazily stretched his hand out and touched Remus’ chin. With a gentle pull, he made the other boy turn his head and look at him. Remus looked rather bashful all of a sudden and Sirius had tried to offer him a reassuring smile.
“If I’m not embarrassed then you sure as bloody hell shouldn’t be.”
Remus nodded. “All right. So ... you liked it?”
“Oh yeah. Felt bloody amazing.”
“Hmmm. Really? Good.”
Sirius had kissed him then, to try and rid them of their awkwardness. Their kisses didn’t last very long before Sirius pulled away and buried himself under the blankets, molding himself against Remus as though they were but one body. Once, Sirius had thought himself a half and when he went to Hogwarts he found himself a best mate and became whole. But then his best mate found a girl and was a new whole, with someone else. When Sirius found Remus, he became more than whole, more than complete, filled up so entirely with something new that he was sure he would burst at the seams.
After that first time they had sex frequently - as frequently as possible. For almost six months it went on like that, spending as much time together as they could, their nights spent touching and kisses and fucking. Except it was always Remus doing the taking. He had always been desperate for people to like him, willing to placate them and cater to their wants, their needs, in hopes that if they ever found out about his lycanthropy they wouldn’t care because they already liked him so much. It was this character flaw that kept him from saying anything to Sirius about how their sex life was rather one-sided. Sirius touched him with his hands and his mouth, but he had never offered up his own body the way Remus had.
They had gone to a bar one night, a wizard joint hidden somewhere in Manchester, with James and Peter. Peter had to Floo to the flat he shared with his cousin, because he was too drunk to Disapparate. James had done the same thing, only he had gone home to his wife.
“Are you coming home with me?” asked Sirius when he and Remus were the only two left in the entire bar. Outside there was the pinkish haze of sunrise and surprisingly, Sirius was hardly drunk.
“No.”
The word itself had been enough of a shock; Remus had never refused to go home with Sirius before. But it wasn’t only the word, it was also the way he said it, with his eyes narrowed, his jaw set, as though he was angry.
“Fucking why not?”
“That’s the exact reason,” said Remus. “Fucking.”
“Ohh, well, we don’t have to, y’know. I don’t force you to do anything you don’t want.”
Remus shook his head. “This has somehow become a one-way relationship where you never let me be on top. Do you remember how when we first started doing this, I said that you couldn’t go halfway? You had to go all the way? You’re only meeting me halfway and I don’t like it.”
Sirius frowned. “You never asked for me to-”
“Yes, I have!” Remus had cried. “Don’t pretend to be completely thick, Sirius. I’ve asked and you always say ‘next time.’ Next time has come and gone and I’m done until we’re equals in this relationship or else I’ve been a fool to think this was a relationship at all.” Reaching into his pocket, Remus pulled out some gold and silver coins and tossed them onto the table. “That should cover my drinks. I’m going home.”
“Fine, just run away to Mummy, just like you do every time we have a bloody fight.”
Remus had gotten up from the table and was halfway to the door when he turned around, glaring at Sirius.
“This is why we can’t live together,” he said. “You’re too defensive. Nothing is ever your fault. We’d end up hexing each other until one of us had blue boils that we could never get rid of. We’d never have any breathing room and we’d drive each other mad. I’m going home. When you’re no longer angry you can owl me.”
Sirius ended up ordering four more drinks, even though the bar was closing. He did the shots right in a row and took a room upstairs for the night, finally too drunk to Apparate and his house wasn’t set up with the Floo Network.
He had sworn for three days that he wasn’t going to cave in. He wasn’t going to owl Remus. If Remus was so ready to break up, fine. He didn’t care. Only his moods were even worse than they’d been in seventh year. He was miserable and James threatened to use the Imperius Curse on him and force him into a good mood. Sirius refused to tell him what was wrong.
On the fourth day, Sirius had given in and Apparated into the Lupins’ back garden. He’d been to Remus’ house before, but always as a friend, never as a lover. Mr. and Mrs. Lupin didn’t know that Sirius and Remus’ relationship had changed and Sirius hoped he could keep the secret.
Mrs. Lupin was in the back garden, digging up roots in her vegetable patch. She looked just like Remus, with the same hair and eyes and smile.
“What’re you doing here, Sirius? You look terrible.”
Sirius shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. “Yeah,” he’d said. “Is Remus here?”
“I think he’s in the front garden with his dad. The car broke down again. He insists on keeping that thing, even though he’s retired and we can simply Floo anywhere we want to go. But he’s a Muggle and you know how stubborn they are.”
Sirius tried to smile, only he didn’t have the energy for even that.
“Bad break-up?” ventured Mrs. Lupin. “I’ve seen that same look before on my younger brother. He’s a confirmed bachelor nowadays.”
Sirius nodded. “The worst. Say ... has Remus been acting normal lately?”
“Normal?” Mrs. Lupin looked slightly confused. “Of course he has. Why wouldn’t he? Has something happened?”
Sirius shook his head. “No, not really. He seemed a little on edge the other night, but he was probably just tired. The full moon was only just a couple nights before.”
“Well, go find Remus, then.”
Sirius had walked around the outside of the house until he got to the front. The Lupins’ nearest neighbors were over a kilometer away and the land and trees surrounding their house were very quiet. It was an ideal house when Remus was little; his parents could put him in the shed on full moons and their neighbors were too far away to hear the howling and scratching of the wolf.
In the drive, Mr. Lupin had tools in his hands the hood to his old car propped up. He was pointing to things in the engine, as though trying to teach Remus about automobiles. In the ways Remus looked nothing like his mum, he looked exactly like his dad. They shared the same thin-framed body, wide nose, and reserved mannerisms.
When Remus had finally looked up and saw Sirius, his expression remained neutral and Sirius envied his knack for being able to hide his emotions so well.
“Hi,” mumbled Sirius.
“Hi. Er, Dad, I’m going to go to London for the afternoon.”
“Another bar?” he asked, laughing and turning around to look at Sirius. “Hello, Sirius. Come to steal Remus away from fixing my car?”
“Oh, we went to a bar already this week. We’ll probably go to James’ new house and play cards. I’ll owl you if I’m not coming home.”
“You young men these days!” laughed Mr. Lupin. “I’ve never seen anyone so eager to go sleep on someone else’s sofa.”
“Right, Dad. I’ll see you later.”
They had simply looked at one another and immediately Disapparated, appearing in Sirius’ lounge half a moment later.
“All right,” said Sirius. “Do it.”
“Okay,” said Remus dryly. “Bend over. Let’s get it done with.”
Sirius’ frown deepened. “I’ll try it. You gotta help me, y’know ... prepare ... or whatever.”
“You always help me. I wouldn’t do any less for you.”
“I think ... I think if I can do this then we’ll be okay, right? I mean - I’m willing to try.”
“You sound rather adverse to the idea. I don’t want to force you to do it.”
Sirius shook his head. “No, I want to. I’ve thought about it before, but you never insisted so I didn’t bring it up ... but now ... James threatened me with Unforgivable Curses if I didn’t stop being such a miserable arse.”
“You’ve been miserable again?”
“Worse than ever. I’m so fucking moody even my moods have moods.”
“Does James know why you’re miserable?”
“Don’t know,” Sirius had replied with a shrug. “I don’t think so. Even if we don’t do it tonight, can’t you just stay? I’ve been total rubbish the past few days without you.”
“Total rubbish?”
Sirius had nodded. “Complete rubbish.”
Then, they’d kissed, come together and stripped each other of their shirts, kicking off their shoes and toeing off their socks. The only coherent thought either of them had was to go to the bedroom so they wouldn’t do this on the hard wood floor. That was the night when Sirius looked up at Remus and nodded, turning over because he didn’t want Remus to see him, see the way he slammed his eyes shut, scrunching up his face, waiting for it, wanting to get it over with.
But it wasn’t bad, which was the exact thing Sirius had been so bloody afraid of. The feel of it, the feel of Remus, he liked it and he wanted it. When it was over, there had been a strange feeling of still being stretched, even though Remus was gone. A feeling of absence when he’d once felt full.
He’d stayed on his stomach, breathing into the pillow. Remus nudged him and he turned his head.
“Well?”
Sirius, for all his tough, manly exterior, wanted to cry.
“What’s wrong?”
Sirius had shaken his head then, mumbling something incoherently.
“Sirius ...”
“I haven’t thought about girls in ages,” he said.
“Okay ...”
“Have you?”
Remus had looked surprised. “What do you mean?”
“D’you look at girls?”
“Yes. I suppose. I look at girls and boys, but everyone does that. I mean, everyone looks at those they’re attracted to; I think that’s only natural. You’re the only one I’m with, though, so don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried. I’m not jealous, either. I know you’re with me and you’d never have some wild affair behind my back.”
For a moment he looked as though he might laugh, but Remus shook his head instead. “I wouldn’t. So what’s wrong?”
“I haven’t thought about girls in ages. And I - well, I was fucking terrified out of my skull, y’know - about doing that - what we just did.”
“Why? Did it hurt that much?”
“No. Well, I mean, I guess. I dunno.”
“Thanks for clearing things up,” said Remus.
“I liked it and I want you to do it again, which was what I was so bloody afraid of happening.”
“Why? You should always just do whatever feels good when we’re together. Kind of defeats the purpose if you don’t do things you like.”
Sirius shook his head. “I liked it because I’m fucking gay.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“I thought you were over that particular hang-up?”
Sirius had laughed and shook his head. “That’s the first time I’ve said it aloud. I’ve never even said to myself, but fucking hell, Moony. I’m gay. Nuaaggh! Don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t. Do you feel better now that you’ve admitted it?”
“You still fancy yourself bi, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“God fucking damn it.”
“Is it so bad? Being gay?”
“Not with you.”
Remus had smiled, then, a true smile, one Sirius hadn’t seen in almost a month. They kissed them, briefly, and then lay together in companionable silence.
Of course there had been rows after that, bickering, and fighting. There had been the occasional hex, but nothing that would end up in permanent blue boils or anything. There wasn’t anything abnormal about their relationship; they both gave some and took some, partners in their relationship, equals. And now that Sirius had finally experienced the giving and the taking, he wouldn’t have it any other way.
XXXXXXX
End Part I
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A/N: One last quick author's note - I would thank to thank maple_mahogany for coming up with the title of the story for me when my brain had already shut down for the night.
As always, links to all my fics (divided up by pairings) can be found here: Click Me
Pairing: Remus/Sirius
Rating: R (for sex and language)
Type: Multi-chap, romance
Summary: They thought they had everything worked out; they thought everything was as perfect as it could be, but there was one thing Sirius wanted that Remus wouldn’t give him and it was beginning to drive him mad.
Author’s Notes: Written in 4 parts. A sequel to The Sharing of Breath, but written in such a way that reading the first story is unnecessary. If you would like to read it, you can do so here: The Sharing of Breath Series
XXXXXXX
Part I: Remembering Yesterday
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In a lot of ways, Dahlia looked like Sirius. Her hair was long and black, her eyes gray and her skin smooth. She was tall and slender and always wore a black skirt. Every time Sirius went to visit Remus at work, she was there, sitting at a round table, drinking tea and eating a cheese sandwich. It didn’t strike Sirius as odd - at first.
Remus worked at a small restaurant where tea, coffees, and cold sandwiches were served. He stood behind a counter, punching in numbers on a Muggle cash register and taking money for food and drink. The café was small, with a dozen tables inside and half a dozen outside, all round with two chairs. It opened up in the morning at about sunrise and closed right before dark. Remus was only able to get the job for three days a week, but it was enough money to keep up with Sirius’ new lifestyle of bars and billiards.
He didn’t have any skills for Muggle jobs and getting one in the wizarding world was out of the question because of his lycanthropy. Getting a part-time job was actually perfect, because no one questioned him when he disappeared for a couple days for the full moon. With a fulltime job, his employers might have begun to ask questions or sacked him for taking off work every single month. The café might not have been perfect, but it worked.
It was located in the outskirts of London and before his shifts, Remus would Apparate to Sirius’ house and walk the kilometer to work. He’d had the job for nearly a year and for the first few months, Sirius would sit at home or go bother James while Remus poured tea and counted money. That grew tiresome after a while and now Sirius had the habit of coming into the café about an hour before Remus closed up. He’d bring a book and have Remus give him tea or a plain Coke with no ice. There was a table in the corner that he liked to sit at, putting his legs up on the extra chair and reading whatever book Remus had recently given him.
Sirius went to visit Remus every shift without fail. He was fairly inconspicuous, only said his greetings to Remus and never spoke to anyone else. The other customers were always gone before Remus closed up and no one was the wiser. Then, after a few months, Sirius began to notice a girl coming in every time he was there. His sturdy ego told him that she was there because he was there, but it didn’t take long before he realized that the girl was there for Remus and not for him at all.
This time, he walked into the café, holding a copy of Anthem in his left hand. He pushed the hair away from his forehead and slapped the book down on the counter.
Remus turned and cleared his throat. His expression stayed neutral, but Sirius could see the amusement in his eyes.
“Can I get you something?”
“Yeah,” said Sirius. “I don’t care what. Surprise me.”
“All right.” Remus grabbed a white mug from the counter behind him and filled it with a light-colored liquid that steamed. “What book is that?” he asked as he handed the drink to Sirius.
Sirius snorted. “I dunno. This guy I know gave it to me and said I’d like it, but I dunno yet.”
“What’s it about?”
“We and us and the unspeakable word.”
“Sounds fascinating.”
“It’s interesting.”
Remus smiled and there was something in his eye, a glimmer that Sirius saw whenever he was looking at him.
“Well, enjoy your book, then.”
“Thanks.”
He went with his tea to his table and sat down. Opening up his book, he put the mug to his mouth and smiled. Remus had slipped a bit of liquor into it, the sneaky bastard.
“Hi.”
Sirius nearly choked on his tea as his eyes flicked up. Dahlia had pulled up a chair and sat down.
“Hi,” said Sirius.
“I wanted to introduce myself.”
“You’re Darcy,” retorted Sirius, knowing full well that wasn’t her name.
“Dahlia.”
“Whatever. I’m sure you know my name’s Sirius already.”
Dahlia nodded. “Aye.” She smiled. “I know you’re a friend of Remus’. I asked about you.”
“Yeah. We went to school together. Known him for nine and a bit years.”
“So you must know a lot about him, then.”
“Almost everything.” Sirius smoothed out the pages of his book and looked down at it, beginning to read and hoping that Dahlia would get the point that he wasn’t interested in a conversation with her. She was all right looking, with very thin features - a thin nose, thin cheeks, thin upper lip.
Dahlia reached over and placed her hand over the book. “I wanted to ask if you knew Remus’ type.”
“Type of what?” asked Sirius, removing Dahlia’s hand and holding the book up in front of him.
“Oh, you know what I mean, silly. What kind of person does he date?”
Sirius smirked. “Are you asking me if Remus would be interested in you?”
Dahlia nodded. “He’s very shy, isn’t he? And he has those scars that he won’t talk about. This summer he had on a t-shirt and I noticed he had some on his arms, not just his face. You know where he got them, don’t you?”
Sirius shrugged. “I guess.”
“He just seems so mysterious.”
“So that’s why you’re interested in him? What’ll you do once you learn his secrets and he stops being a mystery?”
“I don’t know about that. I come in here every day and he seems to like me. He’s very friendly.”
“Remus is friendly to everyone.”
“I know, he talks to me and he’s very appealing, isn’t he?”
“Extremely,” muttered Sirius, growing annoyed with Dahlia.
“Can’t you tell me what he looks for?”
“What Remus looks for?” Sirius was suddenly amused. He glanced over the top of his book at her. “Someone who’s clever and reads a lot of books ... humorous ... dark hair ... long hair ... tall, thin ...”
“Sounds like me,” said Dahlia with a large smile.
“Sounds like me,” said Sirius, looking back down at his book.
Dahlia laughed. “That’s funny. I think you’re the wrong gender for Remus.”
“I highly doubt it, seeing as how he’s gay.”
“That’s not true.”
“No?”
“No. He doesn’t act gay. I don’t believe you.”
“And how many gay people d’you know?”
“Well, none, but-”
“So you really wouldn’t know, would you?”
“I still don’t believe you.”
Sirius shrugged. As if on cue, Remus came over, holding a damp cloth in his hand. He wiped down each of the tables on the way to the one where Sirius sat with Dahlia. If the café was clear of customers, save Sirius, Remus normally pointed his wand and used magic to clean up. it was faster and more efficient and the owner loved it when Remus closed the store; no one got the place cleaner, he always said.
Sirius couldn’t help but looked at Remus, in his black t-shirt with the name of the café in white print, his jeans and black shoes. His hair still fell across his forehead in the same way it did when they were back at Hogwarts, but the scar that ran across his nose had faded considerably. There was something so easy about the way he looked and he wasn’t as good looking as Sirius or James were, but when he was in Sirius’ presence he held himself differently, with a confidence and demeanor that shouted I know I look good - which was probably because Sirius always thought Remus did look good.
“There’s fifteen minutes until closing,” he said. “Er - what are you two talking about?”
“Your friend here is trying to convince me I’m not your type,” said Dahlia, tossing her long hair over her shoulder in a flirtatious manner. Sirius sniggered.
Remus laughed uncomfortably and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “And how is he doing that?” he asked, but Sirius could tell the question was directed more at him than at Dahlia.
“By telling me you’re gay.”
“Oh. I see. I wonder why he’d say something like that.”
Sirius closed his book. “Well, I figure why lead her on? The truth is always the best answer.”
“Is it, Sirius? You’re a bastard sometimes.”
“So he’s lying, then?” asked Dahlia, a hopeful tone to her voice.
Remus sighed. “Partly,” he said. “Truth is, I’m in a relationship - if you can call it that,” he added, glaring at Sirius.
“With a girl, though, right?” Dahlia inquired, looking rather nervous, her eyes flickering uncertainly towards Sirius for a brief moment before returning to Remus.
“Not exactly ...” said Remus.
“Oh.” Dahlia stood up, her face turning very pink. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think you were gay.”
“I’m not. I’m - never mind. I’m sorry. For what it’s worth, I think you’re a great girl, but you’re probably a bit young for me anyway.”
“I’m nearly sixteen,” she said, holding her head a bit higher.
“I’m nearly twenty-one,” said Remus uselessly. “I’m sorry. I like you, I like talking about the books you’re reading in school, but unfortunately ... I’m sorry.”
Dahlia nodded and quickly left the café.
“I could hex you,” snapped Remus, taking out his wand and magicking all the tables clean. With another couple of flicks, he cleaned all the mugs, glasses, and plates, and put everything back in its place.
“She deserved the truth,” said Sirius.
“You’re an idiot.”
“She thought she had a chance with you. You’re so bloody nice to everyone.”
“So?” Remus pointed his wand at the mop and bucket, making them spring to life and clean the sticky floor where customers had spilt teas and Cokes and cheese sandwiches all day long.
Sirius stood up and faced Remus. “I didn’t like her.”
“You didn’t like her because you don’t trust me, you git.”
“I trust you,” said Sirius, “even though you still like girls.”
“Are we still on that? You’re gay. I’m not. Can’t we leave the conversation be? It’s getting tired.”
“If you’re going to be in a shit mood tonight, you can go on home to your mummy and I’ll go to the bar by myself.”
“I’m not in a shit mood!” Remus pointed his wand at the mop and bucket and made them stop their cleaning. He used a Scourgify to finish off the floor; it wasn’t as clean as when done by soap and water, but it seemed Remus wasn’t in the mood to care.
“Look,” said Remus, “I’m a really private person, aren’t I? I don’t like people knowing my secrets and I especially don’t want them knowing this one. It’s nothing to do with me still liking girls or the fact that you’re so bloody upset that I’m not gay and you are. I don’t want people knowing I’m involved with another man. Muggles are prejudice about gays the way wizards are prejudice about werewolves.”
“She wouldn’t have let up on you until you agreed to take her out.”
“I could’ve handled it. Though she’ll probably never come back here again. I’m not going to the bar with you. I haven’t the money this week.”
“Fine,” said Sirius. “We could go to the Muggle cinema.”
“I just said-”
“I’ll pay for you. Christ, Moony, you act like me paying for you is charity.”
“If we’re going to argue all night, I will go home.”
“If you don’t want to go to the cinema, what do you want to do?”
“Nothing. The cinema is fine,” said Remus, walking to the coat rack by the door and taking his jacket down. He pulled it on and reached for his scarf. “I don’t want to see any of your killing movies, though, where everyone kills everyone else. There’s enough of that with You Know Who.”
“But-”
“Please, no.”
“But there’s a movie out based on Heart of Darkness.”
Remus paused as he pulled on his gloves. “... Really?”
“I promise.”
“All right. But only because it’s based on a book.” Remus reached for the door handle, but Sirius stopped him.
“I didn’t mean to tell her the ... secret,” said Sirius. “I’m not jealous. I see you talk to girls all the time and it’s not a big thing. You don’t do well with confrontation and I thought it easier to tell her so she wouldn’t hound you ‘til you fucking caved and went on a date with her.”
“Like how you had to go on that date to Hogsmeade with that girl in seventh year?”
Sirius laughed. “Yeah! Bloody awful, that.” He took the ends of Remus’ scarf and twisted them around his hands. Pulling on them, he brought Remus close enough to kiss his mouth. “Don’t see the point of girls.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“What are you so afraid of?” asked Sirius. “I mean, afraid of people knowing? Not strangers - fine I shouldn’t of told Dannah-”
“Dahlia.”
“Whatever. But why not Lily and James? They probably know anyway so why not just bloody tell them?”
“Why do you want them to know so badly?”
“Because it’s been over two fucking years, Remus, and keeping it a secret is stupid and hard. It was hard enough trying to explain to them why I wasn’t bringing a date to the goddamn wedding and it’s been, like, two years since they got married and I still don’t have any dates - even though I do have dates. I just can’t tell them.”
“It’s none of their business. I’d have the same reaction if you were a girl. I don’t like people knowing intimate details of my life.”
“It’s not like I’d bloody tell them how you moan my name when I shove my cock up your arse.”
Remus shrugged out of Sirius’ grasp. “I cannot believe you said that. What’s wrong with you?”
Sirius groaned in frustration. “Remember all this shit with me only meeting you halfway? And how I had to get over myself and go all the way? If your version of halfway is all physical, then mine is - fuck, I don’t even know the right word for it - emotional.” Sirius paused. “Ohh good Christ, I’m a girl.”
“You are not. Shut up. I didn’t realize that having people know was so important.”
“No,” said Sirius, shaking his head. “Not people, just my best mate. I don’t like lying to him and making excuses when you’re at my house.”
“You make excuses?”
“Sometimes he’ll ask me to go out for a drink, but you’re over, so I have to owl him back and tell him I’m not in the mood. Which is stupid because I’m always in the mood to go out and he probably knows exactly what I’m doing instead, but he doesn’t say anything. He’s letting me live this fucking lie and I hate it.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Remember that time in History of Magic, when he made that hangman puzzle that said, ‘Padfoot Loves Moony’?”
“Yes.”
“I denied it then. We both denied it back then. I’m tired of denying it. Why d’we keep telling them no? Gah, this is making me just about as mad as you not moving in makes me.”
“I don’t see what the big thing is,” said Remus, “if James and Lily already know.”
“Just forget it.”
“Padfoot, no.”
Sirius shook his head. Remus hardly ever used his nickname unless he was trying to placate him or if they were being particularly playful. Now was not the time for “Padfoot” and he wanted to forget the entire argument. The point wasn’t whether James and Lily knew, it was that Sirius couldn’t tell them. At Hogwarts, whenever James got in a row with Lily, he’d seek Sirius out to talk about it - or complain about Lily, rather. They didn’t share any matters of the heart, but Sirius always listened to him rant and helped him figure things out. It was hard not being able to go to James and tell him about something Remus had done to annoy, frustrate, or tick him off. Sometimes Sirius even thought that perhaps Lily would be a good ally - girls were usually good with untangling the confusing thoughts in one’s head.
He didn’t want to keep up the fight with Remus; it wasn’t worth it.
“Cinema?” asked Sirius.
“Fine, but I need to owl my mum and tell her not to send a search party for me when I don’t come home.”
Sirius smirked. “You’re twenty.”
“My mum worries about me. The whole lycanthropy bit makes her mad, so she’s protective.”
“She wouldn’t be so bloody protective if you’d just move in. Then you wouldn’t be around for her to worry about.”
“I’m not having this conversation with you.”
“All right, you can use my owl. Let’s go.”
Outside, the air was clear and still. It was cold enough to snow, but the ground was clean. In the morning there would most likely be the crunch of frost underneath Sirius’ feet when he went into the front garden to retrieve the Muggle newspaper that he got. Now, everything was clear and quiet, with a hazy light off in the horizon where the sun was dipping down between the trees for the night.
They walked down the pavement towards Sirius’ house shoulder-to-shoulder. They never held hands, even when no one was watching. It was as though they were just friends who sometimes did things together while without any clothes on.
Sirius breathed in the cold through his nose and felt the frost that laced the air in his lungs. They arrived to his house a few minutes later, walking up the few steps to his front door. The house was white and very small, with a kitchen, one toilet, one bathroom, and one bedroom. The largest room was rectangular and very long, a lounge and dining room combined. It was small, but Sirius loved it. He couldn’t imagine having a bigger house; he had enough trouble remembering to set the cleaning charms as it was now.
Remus went through the house and out the backdoor that was located through the kitchen. Sirius could hear him in the back garden calling for his owl. Sirius took his book out from his back pocket, where he’d shoved it before their walk home, and sat on the sofa. He opened it to where he’d left off, but he wasn’t very focused on the story.
Instead, his mind wandered. He tried to understand why Remus refused to move in. At Hogwarts, his reason had been that neither of them were mature enough to live together. Living in the dormitories was different, he’d argued, and Sirius imagined he was probably right. They had classes to escape to and elves to cook their meals. On their own they would have to fend for themselves and they wouldn’t have James to tell them to shut up when they began to row. Hogwarts was two years ago and now Sirius wanted Remus to just move his shit into his house and shut up about it.
Sirius got up from the sofa and went into his kitchen. Remus finished up his note to his mum, rolled it up, and tied it to the leg of Sirius’ owl.
“Ready?”
Remus nodded. “Yes, hold on a moment.” He offered his arm to the owl and she happily jumped on it. His fingers stroked her head as he opened the kitchen door. “Take this to my mum. You know where she is, yeah?”
The owl hooted and took off into the air.
“I hope your Muggle neighbors never see me sending that owl away. They’ll call animal control.”
Sirius sniggered. He fumbled in his coat pockets for his pack of Muggle cigarettes and pulled one out.
“Let me,” said Remus, taking his wand out of his pocket. “You always scorch your eyebrows when you try.” He tapped his wand against the end of Sirius’ cigarette, lighting it. “That’s a bad habit.”
“I’ve heard,” said Sirius, holding it out so Remus could take a drag on it.
“Did you do your laundry today?”
“My laundry? I still have two pair of clean pants.”
“I suppose that means ‘no,’ then.”
“I don’t do laundry ‘til I’ve got no underwear to wear. Why? It’s not like you live here to get on my back about chores.”
Remus must have detected the playful tone to Sirius’ voice for he smiled and poked Sirius in the side. “I just wondered because you said you’d wash the pajamas I keep here.”
“Did I say that?”
“Yes.”
“Can’t imagine why.”
“I should’ve known better than to trust you to do household chores.”
“Just go to sleep starkers,” said Sirius. “I’m sure before we sleep you’ll be wearing not very much in the way of clothes.”
“You know exactly how to sweet talk me,” retorted Remus rather dryly. “There’s so much sweet romance in our relationship my teeth are rotting.”
Sirius grinned. “Cinema. Let’s go.”
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It was hard to gage when they officially got together. The word “officially” was a strange one. There hadn’t been a conversation about it; they just assumed they were together and that had been that. If Sirius calculated their relationship from the first time Remus had read to him, they’d been together for three years. If things began at that first kiss, then they’d been together only two and a half. Either way, it was bloody long enough for Remus to stop being such a twat and move in already!
It had been a bumpy road, getting together. Sirius had tried to stay in denial for as long as possible. He tried not to want Remus and then hated himself because he couldn’t help it. When Remus tried to kiss him for that first time, Sirius almost didn’t let him, almost told him he couldn’t do it, that he couldn’t be with a boy. He was weak when it came to Remus and he gave into that kiss and now, years later, they were still together.
Things couldn’t possibly have moved any slower, so they progressed rather quickly in their physical relationship. Sirius knew that if he wanted things with Remus to work he couldn’t do it just halfway - Remus had said as much anyway. It was a hard thing to accept, that he wanted to touch Remus everywhere, but Sirius bit back his fear, breathed out courage, and three weeks after their first kiss, he undid Remus’ trousers and touched him. Surprise, shock, astonishment, and amazement filled Remus’ eyes as Sirius bit his collar bone and brought him off.
After that, his shy, private, and secretive Remus made all the moves. It seemed as though Sirius’ initial move to progress their relationship past simple snogging was enough to fuel Remus to do everything that came after that. Hands and mouths in places that had never been touched before by another boy - places that had never been touched before by anyone. It was almost a year, however, before they had sex. They hadn’t talked about it, but it was the pink manticore in the room - the thing that they both knew they wanted, but neither of them would talk about it.
Remus was the one who brought it up, one night in May as they laid on the grass in the back garden, sharing a Muggle cigarette. At Hogwarts Remus never smoked, using his prefect status as an excuse, but now he did if Sirius did. Sometimes they’d smoke Muggle pot or wizard weed (called elfish bark), but Remus didn’t like losing control of his brain functions so he usually demurred, leaving Sirius to smoke with James whenever he could manage to tear himself away from Lily.
“Do you ever think about having sex?” Remus had asked as he handed the half-burnt cigarette back to Sirius.
“I’ve had sex already.”
“I meant with me.”
“Oh.” Sirius took an especially long drag, holding the smoke in his lungs until he felt his throat start to burn as the smoke began to rise to the back up into mouth. He exhaled and let out a short cough. “I dunno.”
“I think about it.”
“Really?”
Remus had nodded. “Yes.” He turned his head to look at Sirius. “Most people have sex, don’t they? You slept with girls at Hogwarts.”
It had taken a lot of willpower for Sirius to keep his gaze up at the crescent moon and not meet Remus’ eyes.
“Having sex with you would be kind of weird, wouldn’t it?” Sirius had finally said, after too-long a silence.
“Why would it be? We do everything else.”
“Yeah, but this is ... bigger. I don’t know if I could - the thought makes me all - fucking jittery. Look, I’m shaking.”
“That’s because you smoked the rest of that cigarette too quickly,” said Remus.
The cigarette in Sirius’ hand had been smoked all it was going to be and he hadn’t even realized he’d inhaled that many times. With a flick, Sirius tossed the cigarette away and sat up.
“James doesn’t know how often you come over,” he blurted.
Remus sniggered. “I didn’t figure you and he shared the intimate details of our lives. I can’t imagine his reaction if he knew the balls you played with weren’t your own.”
Sirius had nearly choked on his own saliva. “You say shit like that, Remus, and you sound like me. Really, though, James hasn’t got a single idea about what we do. I’ve never told him and he’s never asked. So sometimes it’s like I could almost pretend we never do anything, ‘cause no one knows. But if we had sex, I couldn’t really avoid it.”
“Do you want to?”
Sirius had shaken his head and sighed. “No and I never want to avoid it. I just meant that it would be easy to pretend nothing ever happens.”
“But if we had sex, your psyche would keep reminding you that everything is real?”
“Mmm hmmm,” said Sirius.
“I’ll go first.”
“Go first where?”
“First. I’ll let you have sex with me first.”
Sirius exhaled. “Shit,” he whispered. “All right. I want to. Just seems ...”
“Still seems like you shouldn’t be with another guy?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know.” He looked down at Remus, who was still lying on the grass. The scar that ran across his nose was hidden by shadow, but he still looked very much like Remus, thin and long, with fringe that threatened to completely hide his eyes and strong fingers that flexed, as though just waiting to touch Sirius.
“You’ve done it before, with girls, I mean. So you probably know what you’re doing better than I do so you can go first and I’ll learn from you.”
Sirius couldn’t deny that Remus’ logic made sense. “Let’s go inside.”
Remus had nodded and stood up, brushing grass and dirt from his jeans. He went in through the kitchen door and walked slowly into the lounge. Sirius grabbed his hand and pulled him into the bedroom. They fooled around, grinding against one another, their mouths everywhere, until Remus pulled back and told Sirius to do it.
Full of hazy lust, Remus’ eyes were dark and he had them half-closed as he looked up at Sirius. There had been a pregnant moment right after that, where they looked at one another, not saying anything at all. A calloused thumb brushed across Sirius’ unshaven cheek, making a scratchy noise by his ear. With his own fingers, Sirius ran his hands down Remus’ chest, past his hips, and towards his thighs. Their breaths mingled as Sirius bent down and kissed Remus. The kiss had been quiet and they didn’t say anything, but their silence hung in the air, surrounding them, and said everything they needed to hear.
They had already done the preparations by that point, not only just that night, but in the months before, if “preparations” was even the right word to call it. What they did was enjoyable, for both of them, but they also knew that their fingers and the bottle of slicky stuff had a purpose beyond just that immediate enjoyment.
At first, they’d been unable to figure out exactly how to position themselves before Sirius had said, “Fuck it,” and turned Remus over on his stomach. He had wanted to see Remus’ face, watch him closely, but he had also needed to do this and do this right then.
When he was in him - inside - everything felt different, intense, almost overwhelming. Not only did the act define the thing Sirius had never been ready to admit about himself, but it was with Remus, someone who was patient and understanding and didn’t push him to admit he preferred wizards over witches - which was actually a very comforting thing, considering the things he and Remus had been doing for over a year by that point.
Sirius had reached his hand around to Remus’ front and spread his fingers over his chest. There was a thumpthumpthump under his palm as Remus’ heart pumped quickly and erratically. His heart continued to race until Sirius finished.
He withdrew from Remus and fell on his side, breathing in deeply to try and catch his breath. Where once silence said everything, now it said nothing at all, and Sirius began to feel anxiety seep out of his pores like a poison; he was worried that Remus’ stillness meant the worst, meant that having sex had been a mistake.
“How was it?” asked Sirius, his voice seeming harsh as it broke the quiet.
“Interesting,” answered Remus.
“Is that a good or bad thing?”
Remus stretched and rolled over onto his back. His eyes were focused on the ceiling and his cheeks had a faint blush.
“It was good,” said Remus quietly, his blush deepening.
“Good?” Sirius smirked. “I was always good at sex.”
“Right.”
“D’you wanna do it again?”
“Can you even get it up yet?”
“I didn’t mean now.”
“Oh.” Remus was beginning to look like an overly ripe tomato. “Yes. I’d do it again.”
Sirius had lazily stretched his hand out and touched Remus’ chin. With a gentle pull, he made the other boy turn his head and look at him. Remus looked rather bashful all of a sudden and Sirius had tried to offer him a reassuring smile.
“If I’m not embarrassed then you sure as bloody hell shouldn’t be.”
Remus nodded. “All right. So ... you liked it?”
“Oh yeah. Felt bloody amazing.”
“Hmmm. Really? Good.”
Sirius had kissed him then, to try and rid them of their awkwardness. Their kisses didn’t last very long before Sirius pulled away and buried himself under the blankets, molding himself against Remus as though they were but one body. Once, Sirius had thought himself a half and when he went to Hogwarts he found himself a best mate and became whole. But then his best mate found a girl and was a new whole, with someone else. When Sirius found Remus, he became more than whole, more than complete, filled up so entirely with something new that he was sure he would burst at the seams.
After that first time they had sex frequently - as frequently as possible. For almost six months it went on like that, spending as much time together as they could, their nights spent touching and kisses and fucking. Except it was always Remus doing the taking. He had always been desperate for people to like him, willing to placate them and cater to their wants, their needs, in hopes that if they ever found out about his lycanthropy they wouldn’t care because they already liked him so much. It was this character flaw that kept him from saying anything to Sirius about how their sex life was rather one-sided. Sirius touched him with his hands and his mouth, but he had never offered up his own body the way Remus had.
They had gone to a bar one night, a wizard joint hidden somewhere in Manchester, with James and Peter. Peter had to Floo to the flat he shared with his cousin, because he was too drunk to Disapparate. James had done the same thing, only he had gone home to his wife.
“Are you coming home with me?” asked Sirius when he and Remus were the only two left in the entire bar. Outside there was the pinkish haze of sunrise and surprisingly, Sirius was hardly drunk.
“No.”
The word itself had been enough of a shock; Remus had never refused to go home with Sirius before. But it wasn’t only the word, it was also the way he said it, with his eyes narrowed, his jaw set, as though he was angry.
“Fucking why not?”
“That’s the exact reason,” said Remus. “Fucking.”
“Ohh, well, we don’t have to, y’know. I don’t force you to do anything you don’t want.”
Remus shook his head. “This has somehow become a one-way relationship where you never let me be on top. Do you remember how when we first started doing this, I said that you couldn’t go halfway? You had to go all the way? You’re only meeting me halfway and I don’t like it.”
Sirius frowned. “You never asked for me to-”
“Yes, I have!” Remus had cried. “Don’t pretend to be completely thick, Sirius. I’ve asked and you always say ‘next time.’ Next time has come and gone and I’m done until we’re equals in this relationship or else I’ve been a fool to think this was a relationship at all.” Reaching into his pocket, Remus pulled out some gold and silver coins and tossed them onto the table. “That should cover my drinks. I’m going home.”
“Fine, just run away to Mummy, just like you do every time we have a bloody fight.”
Remus had gotten up from the table and was halfway to the door when he turned around, glaring at Sirius.
“This is why we can’t live together,” he said. “You’re too defensive. Nothing is ever your fault. We’d end up hexing each other until one of us had blue boils that we could never get rid of. We’d never have any breathing room and we’d drive each other mad. I’m going home. When you’re no longer angry you can owl me.”
Sirius ended up ordering four more drinks, even though the bar was closing. He did the shots right in a row and took a room upstairs for the night, finally too drunk to Apparate and his house wasn’t set up with the Floo Network.
He had sworn for three days that he wasn’t going to cave in. He wasn’t going to owl Remus. If Remus was so ready to break up, fine. He didn’t care. Only his moods were even worse than they’d been in seventh year. He was miserable and James threatened to use the Imperius Curse on him and force him into a good mood. Sirius refused to tell him what was wrong.
On the fourth day, Sirius had given in and Apparated into the Lupins’ back garden. He’d been to Remus’ house before, but always as a friend, never as a lover. Mr. and Mrs. Lupin didn’t know that Sirius and Remus’ relationship had changed and Sirius hoped he could keep the secret.
Mrs. Lupin was in the back garden, digging up roots in her vegetable patch. She looked just like Remus, with the same hair and eyes and smile.
“What’re you doing here, Sirius? You look terrible.”
Sirius shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. “Yeah,” he’d said. “Is Remus here?”
“I think he’s in the front garden with his dad. The car broke down again. He insists on keeping that thing, even though he’s retired and we can simply Floo anywhere we want to go. But he’s a Muggle and you know how stubborn they are.”
Sirius tried to smile, only he didn’t have the energy for even that.
“Bad break-up?” ventured Mrs. Lupin. “I’ve seen that same look before on my younger brother. He’s a confirmed bachelor nowadays.”
Sirius nodded. “The worst. Say ... has Remus been acting normal lately?”
“Normal?” Mrs. Lupin looked slightly confused. “Of course he has. Why wouldn’t he? Has something happened?”
Sirius shook his head. “No, not really. He seemed a little on edge the other night, but he was probably just tired. The full moon was only just a couple nights before.”
“Well, go find Remus, then.”
Sirius had walked around the outside of the house until he got to the front. The Lupins’ nearest neighbors were over a kilometer away and the land and trees surrounding their house were very quiet. It was an ideal house when Remus was little; his parents could put him in the shed on full moons and their neighbors were too far away to hear the howling and scratching of the wolf.
In the drive, Mr. Lupin had tools in his hands the hood to his old car propped up. He was pointing to things in the engine, as though trying to teach Remus about automobiles. In the ways Remus looked nothing like his mum, he looked exactly like his dad. They shared the same thin-framed body, wide nose, and reserved mannerisms.
When Remus had finally looked up and saw Sirius, his expression remained neutral and Sirius envied his knack for being able to hide his emotions so well.
“Hi,” mumbled Sirius.
“Hi. Er, Dad, I’m going to go to London for the afternoon.”
“Another bar?” he asked, laughing and turning around to look at Sirius. “Hello, Sirius. Come to steal Remus away from fixing my car?”
“Oh, we went to a bar already this week. We’ll probably go to James’ new house and play cards. I’ll owl you if I’m not coming home.”
“You young men these days!” laughed Mr. Lupin. “I’ve never seen anyone so eager to go sleep on someone else’s sofa.”
“Right, Dad. I’ll see you later.”
They had simply looked at one another and immediately Disapparated, appearing in Sirius’ lounge half a moment later.
“All right,” said Sirius. “Do it.”
“Okay,” said Remus dryly. “Bend over. Let’s get it done with.”
Sirius’ frown deepened. “I’ll try it. You gotta help me, y’know ... prepare ... or whatever.”
“You always help me. I wouldn’t do any less for you.”
“I think ... I think if I can do this then we’ll be okay, right? I mean - I’m willing to try.”
“You sound rather adverse to the idea. I don’t want to force you to do it.”
Sirius shook his head. “No, I want to. I’ve thought about it before, but you never insisted so I didn’t bring it up ... but now ... James threatened me with Unforgivable Curses if I didn’t stop being such a miserable arse.”
“You’ve been miserable again?”
“Worse than ever. I’m so fucking moody even my moods have moods.”
“Does James know why you’re miserable?”
“Don’t know,” Sirius had replied with a shrug. “I don’t think so. Even if we don’t do it tonight, can’t you just stay? I’ve been total rubbish the past few days without you.”
“Total rubbish?”
Sirius had nodded. “Complete rubbish.”
Then, they’d kissed, come together and stripped each other of their shirts, kicking off their shoes and toeing off their socks. The only coherent thought either of them had was to go to the bedroom so they wouldn’t do this on the hard wood floor. That was the night when Sirius looked up at Remus and nodded, turning over because he didn’t want Remus to see him, see the way he slammed his eyes shut, scrunching up his face, waiting for it, wanting to get it over with.
But it wasn’t bad, which was the exact thing Sirius had been so bloody afraid of. The feel of it, the feel of Remus, he liked it and he wanted it. When it was over, there had been a strange feeling of still being stretched, even though Remus was gone. A feeling of absence when he’d once felt full.
He’d stayed on his stomach, breathing into the pillow. Remus nudged him and he turned his head.
“Well?”
Sirius, for all his tough, manly exterior, wanted to cry.
“What’s wrong?”
Sirius had shaken his head then, mumbling something incoherently.
“Sirius ...”
“I haven’t thought about girls in ages,” he said.
“Okay ...”
“Have you?”
Remus had looked surprised. “What do you mean?”
“D’you look at girls?”
“Yes. I suppose. I look at girls and boys, but everyone does that. I mean, everyone looks at those they’re attracted to; I think that’s only natural. You’re the only one I’m with, though, so don’t worry.”
“I’m not worried. I’m not jealous, either. I know you’re with me and you’d never have some wild affair behind my back.”
For a moment he looked as though he might laugh, but Remus shook his head instead. “I wouldn’t. So what’s wrong?”
“I haven’t thought about girls in ages. And I - well, I was fucking terrified out of my skull, y’know - about doing that - what we just did.”
“Why? Did it hurt that much?”
“No. Well, I mean, I guess. I dunno.”
“Thanks for clearing things up,” said Remus.
“I liked it and I want you to do it again, which was what I was so bloody afraid of happening.”
“Why? You should always just do whatever feels good when we’re together. Kind of defeats the purpose if you don’t do things you like.”
Sirius shook his head. “I liked it because I’m fucking gay.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“I thought you were over that particular hang-up?”
Sirius had laughed and shook his head. “That’s the first time I’ve said it aloud. I’ve never even said to myself, but fucking hell, Moony. I’m gay. Nuaaggh! Don’t tell anyone.”
“I won’t. Do you feel better now that you’ve admitted it?”
“You still fancy yourself bi, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
“God fucking damn it.”
“Is it so bad? Being gay?”
“Not with you.”
Remus had smiled, then, a true smile, one Sirius hadn’t seen in almost a month. They kissed them, briefly, and then lay together in companionable silence.
Of course there had been rows after that, bickering, and fighting. There had been the occasional hex, but nothing that would end up in permanent blue boils or anything. There wasn’t anything abnormal about their relationship; they both gave some and took some, partners in their relationship, equals. And now that Sirius had finally experienced the giving and the taking, he wouldn’t have it any other way.
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End Part I
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A/N: One last quick author's note - I would thank to thank maple_mahogany for coming up with the title of the story for me when my brain had already shut down for the night.
As always, links to all my fics (divided up by pairings) can be found here: Click Me