fic for fadingfromdawn (2/2)
Part One
Two weeks later
A deafening scream pierces through the room, followed by a loud crash as Kame smashes Jin's only remaining flower vase into the opposite wall. It shatters and the pieces scatter all over, and Jin dodges the shower of glass by throwing himself out of the way; the movement is performed quite skillfully, mostly because he's had a lot of practice over the last two weeks. When he gets back up on his feet he faces Kame with an expression of anger.
"How many glasses need to be broken before you realize that I'm not giving in?" Jin almost shouts, his voice heavy with exhaustion. "I'm not letting you go, okay? YOU NEED TO GET BETTER."
Kame gives out a laughter, the kind that sends shivers down Jin's spine. "Really? And since when are you my mother, I wonder?"
"Since your own abandoned you," Jin snaps, perfectly aware of the effect of his words - but that's the point, making Kame feel something, making him take responsibility for what he's done.
Kame's face darkens. "You did not just say that."
"I did," Jin says, taking a step closer. Kame is standing near the door, panting heavily, his eyes blazing. He can't get out - Jin made sure of it after his first attempt by hiring a locksmith to install another lock on the door, one that's on the inside and only Jin has the key to - but he sure as hell is trying hard to change that. Every single day, Kame throws a tantrum, demanding to get out; and every single time something's smashed against the wall as he realizes there's no way of escaping. He's even tried to direct his anger at Jin more than once, trying to throw a punch or a kick - unsuccessfully so, because even after gaining some weight after a few good meals, he's still far too weak to resist Jin.
"I'm an adult," Kame growls. "If I want out, I will get out, you hear me? This is practically... kidnapping, isn't this? Wait till I call the police -"
"Go ahead - I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear about the drugs," Jin cuts in, silencing the other. "Maybe that's a good idea, actually. Maybe it would finally knock some sense into you."
Kame opens his mouth to reply, but closes it immediately after, in lack of words. His enraged expression melts away, replaced by despondency, and his knees give out; collapsing onto the floor, he buries his face in his hands and starts sobbing helplessly, his entire body trembling.
Jin rushes to him without a word, without another accusation, and pulls the man into a warm, loving embrace. He rocks Kame in his arms like a baby, backwards and forwards, whispering comforting words in an endless chain - it'll be alright, everything will be fine, you just wait, we'll get through this together. The more he repeats the same things, the more he starts believing in them himself.
Maybe... just maybe it'll all work out somehow.
After a while, Kame's sobs quiet down and eventually disappear.
***
Jin opens his tired eyes, his attempt to sleep distracted by the play of moonlight on his face; piercing through the crack in the curtains, it paints the room in silver, lighting up the shadows in the abandoned corners. He sighs, reluctant to leave the bed to draw the curtains; it's too warm, too safe under the blanket that he shares with Kame, the both of them naked with his front pressed against the man's back.
"Something wrong?" Kame asks quietly, half-asleep. Jin smiles and pulls him closer, tighter against his chest, enjoying the way their bodies touch without anything in between - both literally and figuratively speaking.
"I forgot to draw the curtains," Jin replies softly, muttering the words against Kame's ear.
"I can get them for you," Kame says, yawning, and begins to struggle away from Jin's embrace; Jin, however, refuses to let him go, holding him even tighter instead so that all his attempts are good for nothing.
"Don't go," Jin pleads, sliding his fingertips over the familiar contours of Kame's skin. "Please."
Kame gives a soft laughter, placing his hands on Jin's, keeping them from wandering any lower than they already threaten to. "The window is a few steps away, Jin. I'll come back right after."
"Nooo," Jin squeals, dragging out the vowel in the end to the point of sounding like a little kid who's just been denied of a lollipop. "I need you here..."
His lips find the crook of Kame's neck and place a soft, lingering kiss there, one that draws a quiet moan from the man's lips.
"We need to sleep, Jin... We're meeting the guys tomorrow..." Kame disagrees, quite unimpressively so as his voice lacks determination.
"Sure," Jin replies absent-mindedly, continuing to drop kisses down Kame's skin, his lips moving softly over the places that he knows to be most sensitive. Kame lets out a moan, and Jin knows he's won; the man is giving in, slowly but surely, he can feel it, the change in his body under his touch and the willingness to have more. He knows Kame all too well... especially in this area.
Kame turns his head, whispering an incoherent kiss me, his eyes closed in anticipation. And Jin does so - why wouldn't he, after all -, climbing on top of the other to seize him in between his legs. Blood boils in Jin's veins like fire under his skin as their lips move against one another, hands grasping haphazardly on whatever they can find; and the more passionate the kiss grows, the more they lose themselves in it. It's like back when they started dating, the ardour, the need to be closer and closer and closer; the unstoppable, overwhelming desire sweeps over them in waves, makes them shiver, makes them numb, almost.
And that night, they make love like they never have before. Maybe it's the fact that they've been apart for so long, or that things seem to finally be getting better; or maybe it's the way Jin feels like he's discovering Kame all over again, feeling up his body like it would be his first time touching it. Whatever the reason, neither of them cares; not when it's like that, not when the frantic moans and whispers filled with lust fill the room, not when they, in that moment, only exist for each other.
That night, Jin wishes the morning with its harsh reality would never come. He wishes he could just stay there, holding Kame, kissing him, making love to him, uninterrupted - but as always, reality is fast to catch up on them. The first rays of sunlight pierce through the curtains all too soon as a sign of morning, and Kame gets up - placing a lingering kiss on Jin's lips before he does -, rushing to the bathroom to get ready before his band mates appear on the doorstep.
Jin uses the time wandering around his small apartment, cleaning up the mess that they - or well, mostly Kame - has left behind. He picks up the shards of glass from the floor, gathers up the dirty garments and places them in the laundry, even does the dishes while waiting for Kame to finish showering.
He sure is taking a long time, Jin thinks as the other one still isn't back after more than thirty minutes. Glancing at the clock, he realizes there isn't much time left; the rest of KAT-TUN will be there soon. He knows that Kame enjoys taking his showers alone but seeing as they're running out of time, Jin decides to join the other.
He pulls the bathroom door open and sees - oh no. Jin swallows, looking at Kame who's sitting on the edge of the bathtub with a piece of paper in his hands.
"What's that?" Jin asks, trying to keep his tone light and his expression as neutral as possible.
Kame looks at him, dark and brooding, the locks of hair glued to his face still dripping. "This, my darling, is your contract with -" he pauses theatrically and glances at the paper, "- Avex Group Holdings Inc."
Jin can't help but curse silently in his mind over and over again - how could he forget it? He's been moving the contract around from one place to another, hoping that Kame wouldn't find it because he doesn't want the other one to find out, doesn't want to add any extra pressure on his shoulders; the important thing is for Kame to get better, that's all that matters.
Too late for that now, though.
"I meant to tell you," Jin explains, his voice calm although there's a storm inside him because he knows, knows it for sure, that Kame is angry out of his mind. "I really did, okay? I was going to tell you."
"When?" Kame replies angrily, standing up. His eyes are blazing. "After you've already violated the contract and gotten yourself in trouble?"
Jin shakes his head. "No, of course not. And besides, I don't care about getting in trouble, you're what matters -"
"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" Kame shouts, his voice echoing in the bathroom. "THIS IS YOUR DREAM, JIN! OF COURSE THIS MATTERS! I'VE BEEN HERE ALL THESE YEARS, I KNOW HOW FUCKING MUCH YOU WANT THIS, AND YOU'RE JUST GONNA THROW YOUR BIGGEST DREAM AWAY FOR ME? I'M A FREAKING DRUG ADDICT, JIN!"
"I care about you," Jin snaps back at him, although in a considerably quieter voice, "Since when is that a crime?!"
Kame growls in frustration and takes a hold of Jin's shoulders, throwing him against the wall.
"Since you stopped living your own life," Kame hisses, his face only inches away from Jin's who is almost paralyzed by fear; he's never seen the other one like this, never. "I know you, Jin. I know you're not as noble as you've pretended to be these past couple of weeks."
Jin doesn't know what to say - not that he could, as he's still too taken aback.
"You have always been jealous of me," Kame continues, his voice bitter and cold. "Always, for as long as you can remember, and it only got worse after I got accepted into Johnny's and you didn't. Since then it's been all about you. Every time I receive good news I think oh crap, how am I gonna tell this to Jin? How is he gonna take it this time? For how long will he push me out this time?"
Everything Kame says is like daggers through his chest; he's bleeding on the inside, unable to breathe properly, a weird kind of coldness spreading to each cell in his stiff body. The worst thing isn't what Kame is saying, it's that what he's saying is true, and Jin doesn't know how to argue back - hell, he can't argue back, there's nothing to say, nothing at all.
"Well guess what, Akanishi?" Kame spits out; the use of Jin's family name alone pierces through him like a knife. "I'm done, you hear me? Done. You go and make your dream come true, I don't even care anymore. I'm done caring."
He stares at Jin for a moment, watching the words sink in; then he loosens his grip and stomps away, leaving Jin lean against the wall. Through his clouded mind, he can hear the man moving around the apartment, rummaging through the closets, picking up his things; and then he hears his angry steps on the living room floor, going towards the door, opening it - he's taken the key, damn it - but when Jin finally manages to force himself to move, the man's already gone and the only thing to greet him is the open door.
He's gone.
Jin's knees give out, but he feels nothing when he hits the floor; no pain, nothing, he barely even realizes he's there on the cold surface. He just stares at the open door, hoping he's still sleeping only to understand that he isn't, and somewhere deep inside him there's a hollow ache, the need to cry - only that he can't.
After a moment of silence, he stumbles up and walks to the door as calmly as ever, closing it like nothing would have happened; and then, just as emotionlessly, he grabs his guitar from the corner and starts playing.
The only things that express the agony deep within him are the melancholic notes that fill the air.
Three years later
Jin steps on the stage, greeted by rapturous applause. The sound is thunderous as the entire Tokyo Dome shouts out his name, clapping and jumping, excited out of their minds; and for a moment Jin can't help but stare, seeing all those people there, people who have come to see him. He can't believe it, can't wrap his mind around the fact that all those people are there for him; that the mass of enthusiastic fans have paid to see him performing on this enormous stage. Maybe he should have realized it sooner, back when they were planning the concert, back when he heard about the lights and smoke effects and all the props - and he definitely should have realized when he first heard how much the whole thing would cost but no, he only realizes it now, standing there in front of all those people.
He feels comfortable in the spotlight as always, like he'd be home. And, in fact, his home is on stage, doing what he loves the most; dancing, singing, finding ways to express his feelings in a way that is natural and easy for him. He can't think of anything that he'd rather do. His dream is finally real, it's there, and it's almost too overwhelming for him to handle at times.
It's the last concert from his Asian tour, held here in his home country just as he requested. He's been to Korea, Taiwan, China and Philippines, enjoying the company of his fans and the fact that he gets to perform for them - and it's all been just as he imagined, even better.
Sometimes he thinks he's in over his head in all of it... the popularity, the grandness of everything, the workload. Sometimes he's so exhausted he can barely keep on his feet, but his love for his job keeps him going.
Like now, throughout the two-hour concert, nothing stops him. He loves the people he works with, the dancers and the singers and all the people who've been there for him for the past three years, their unwavering support keeping Jin sane when things get tough. And he loves the fans, who so passionately love him back; he loves giving them what they want, and loves flirting with them, loves watching how smiles light up their faces just because he looks in their direction.
But it all comes to an end all too soon, and only one last song remains... one that Jin has never sang before, one that he's been saving for this particular moment.
The entire Tokyo Dome quiets down, waiting for Jin to speak.
"I wrote this song three years ago," Jin speaks into the microphone, feeling nervous; he's never talked about this song to anyone, let alone in public. He can hear his voice quivering, but he knows that people won't mind - they always love a good display of emotion.
"Back then I only had my guitar and dreams," Jin continues, and the crowd screams in response. "But thanks to them, I was able to create this song for someone important."
There's more screaming; some people even have tears rolling down their faces, streaming down in swift rivers. The fans' passion for their idols never ceases to amaze him.
Taking a shaky breath, Jin grasps onto the microphone stand with both hands, his voice trembling noticeably now as he says:
"If you're listening, this is for you."
Everything quiets down when the music starts playing - or perhaps it's just his imagination, perhaps he's just too lost in his own world to notice anything else. Closing his eyes, he allows the familiar melody to pierce through the walls that he's built to protect himself; the tunes go further and further, into the very core of his soul, into dark depths that he's forgotten long ago.
He recalls the moment that has tortured him for the past three years, a moment of immense pain, a moment of loss; it's burned in his memory like paint on canvas, the moment when Kame walked out of his life. He can still recall it, that hollow numbness, that realization of never being able to hold him again...
Tears well up in his eyes but he ignores them and starts singing, the lyrics flowing out of him without effort although he hasn't sang them in years; he's just played the melody, kept it fresh in his mind, but never bothered with the words that he wrote for this song in a moment of agony... no, the lyrics are too painful. Even now that he's singing them, they feel like needles on his tongue, like daggers in his heart.
When the song comes to an end after three and a half painful minutes, he has absolutely no control over the stream of tears on his face.
***
"What now?" Jin sighs as the limousine pulls up into Ryo's driveway. The house is buzzing with life; from the looks of it, there are more than twenty people inside, and the music is playing loud enough to be heard in the car too, although they haven't even reached the house yet.
"It's party time," Ryo says, smirking. "You know why?"
"Why?" Jin asks lazily when the car stops behind a line of hastily parked cars.
"We're celebrating," Ryo replies as they stumble out of the car and start making their way to the house. "And it's not just any celebration, you know. You, Akanishi Jin, finished your first Asia concert tour, how awesome is that?!"
Jin can't help but smile at the other one's enthusiasm. "Yeah, I guess it's pretty awesome."
"GUESS?" Ryo exclaims, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "It is pretty awesome and you better celebrate it with all you've got, okay?"
Partying... okay, now that he thinks about it, it doesn't sound like such a bad idea. He needs to relax, and it's not like he has anything to do tomorrow...
A grin lights up his face. "Who did you invite?"
"The usual," Ryo says vaguely. "And a little extra."
He pulls the front door open and Jin stops in his tracks, staring at the amount of people incredulously; there are more than twenty people present for sure, most of them people that Jin can barely recognize - they must be friends of Ryo's, since he has a whole bunch of them, almost enough to populate a city.
He turns to look at Ryo with a raised eyebrow. "A little extra?"
Yamashita Tomohisa, also a good friend of Jin's, rushes to them before Ryo can reply; he's holding a glass of punch with a wide grin on his face. He's clearly more than a little tipsy, throwing himself at Jin while shouting "CONGRATS" with a voice loud enough to almost tear Jin's eardrums.
"Well thank you, Pi," Jin laughs, pushing the other away. "You might wanna watch the punch, huh? I don't want you passing out on me before the party's even started."
Yamashita gives an extremely goofy smile. "What do you mean watch the punch? It's not going anywhere."
Jin taps the man's shoulder, quite sure that it's hopeless to try and make his point through. "Carry on, soldier."
"What?" Yamashita mumbles in confusion, pouting his lips. "I'm not a soldier..."
"Just how long has this party already been going on?" Jin asks Ryo, shaking his head as Yamashita suddenly sees someone familiar and dashes to the other side of the room, staggering as he does.
Ryo shrugs. "I don't know... a couple of hours, maybe?"
They both follow as Yamashita hugs what seems to be, by the looks of it, a complete stranger to him - or at least the man looks quite puzzled, offended almost, while pushing the drunk man away.
"I think we should keep him in restraints," Ryo mutters, "You know, just in case."
Jin laughs. "I was just thinking the same. Hey, I'll get myself something to drink, okay? You go and..." he pauses, looking at Yamashita who's currently clinging to the poor man, talking excitedly about something while spilling most of his drink on him, "... do something. Save that poor man before Pi comes up with something even crazier."
Ryo nods, and Jin walks to the kitchen that is, to his great relief, empty. He raids the fridge and finds a can of beer (he's not a great friend of punch), but instead of joining the rest of the people in the living room, he sits down by the kitchen table to take a breath. As much as he finds himself enjoying the presence of his friends, he just desperately needs a moment on his own first.
He's not allowed to be by himself for long, though; someone walks in the moment he raises the can to his lips and takes a sip.
"Koki?" Jin calls incredulously; the man looks at him, equally surprised, until his face melts into a smile.
"Akanishi, yo!" Koki says, still smiling, and sits down on the chair beside Jin. "How are you, man? The fame got to your head yet?"
"I hope not," Jin replies with a ring of laughter. "I'm fine, everything's just... you know, brilliant. Just finished my tour, did you hear?"
"I did, congrats on that."
Jin swallows, his smile faltering a little as he asks: "And what about you?"
"I take it you've heard about our disbanding," Koki says and, to Jin's great surprise, smiles; he expected a whole another reaction. "I'm doing solo stuff... Ueda too, he's quite busy actually. Nakamaru married and Junno, well, I'm not exactly sure where he is at the moment... Somewhere in Europe, I think."
"And Kamenashi?" Jin asks, trying to sound unaffected though his heart is racing like crazy in his chest. "I heard he's clean. I mean... Ryo told me that he went to rehab?"
Koki probably notices it, the nervousness on his face, but is polite enough not to say anything. "He did, yeah, right after you guys broke up."
"He wasn't suspended?" Jin asks, knowing perfectly well how strict the guys at the agency are; the only reason he hasn't gotten in trouble with his own is because he's kept his partying to a minimum.
"He was," Koki replies, looking as if the memory still stings a little. "It was just never made public. There was no need for all that... you know, unnecessary attention. As far as the rest of the world's concerned, he hurt himself during practice."
Jin knows he's about to cross a line and sound a little too interested in Kame's affairs but he can't help it; there's one question left that he's dying to ask. Trying to sound as indifferent as possible, he mutters: "And what's he up to these days?"
Koki looks at him with a hint of something, perhaps amusement, and Jin gets the feeling that the man knows just how desperately he needs all the information. Luckily Koki has always been courteous enough not to mention such things aloud.
"He's acting. I'm surprised you haven't heard, actually... He's everywhere these days, or so it seems to me."
"I guess I haven't paid attention," Jin says and relaxes a little, having heard what he wanted to hear - that Kame is okay and most importantly, still alive. There are still a million other questions on his mind, ones that would probably sound irrelevant to Koki's ears; stupid thoughts such as what Kame looks like these days, how he's been holding up, whether the rehab was hard on him... how long he's been clean, whether he ever asks about Jin through their mutual friends. But none of that is his business - not anymore, at least.
"I have to confess something," Koki says with a playful smile, interrupting Jin's train of thoughts. "I was at your concert today."
Jin's eyes widen. "You were?"
"Yeah," Koki replies, looking absent-mindedly at the fridge door that Ryo's plastered with everything from postcards to concert tickets. "And it was pretty damn awesome, if I can say so." He glances at Jin. "Especially the last song. You never said what it's called, though."
It's Jin's turn to stare absent-mindedly at the walls as he gives his reply in a very matter-of-fact way. "Hesitate."
"And you wrote it three years ago?" Koki asks, probably trying to sound like he's just chatting casually - just that Jin sees right through his act.
"Look," Jin says firmly; he doesn't want to shout, just express his lack of enthusiasm towards the subject. "I know where you're getting with this and I appreciate your concern, really, but just let it be, please? Yeah, I wrote that song for him and I'm hoping that he will hear it someday, but that's the only thing I'm aiming for. I don't want him back. I don't wanna talk with him. I just want him to hear it."
Koki looks like he's hiding a smile when he says: "Calm down, will you? I was just curious, that's all."
Jin doubts that but contents on nodding a little stiffly, as he's not willing to discuss the subject any further. Koki observes him for a minute, almost as if waiting for him to say something, but gives up after a while as he notices that Jin's made up his mind. Just when the silence between them is getting uncomfortable, Ryo comes to his rescue; he rushes to the kitchen, panting, with a look of exasperation on his face.
"I need you," Ryo snarls, "Now."
Both Jin and Koki stare at Ryo inquiringly, curious as to what has made the usually cheery man so grumpy.
"What's up?"
"He threw up in the punch bowl," Ryo groans, "In the punch, Akanishi. It's ruined."
Jin brings a hand to cover his mouth; he has a feeling that Ryo wouldn't appreciate him laughing right now. "You should've used the restraints."
"Oh come on, just come and help me," Ryo snaps, clearly sensing what a great amusement the whole situation is to Jin. "We're gonna have to drag him out of here."
"But where?" Jin asks, emptying the rest of his beer in one gulp before getting up. "We can't exactly take him to his mom's in this condition."
"You have an apartment," Ryo says. "He's your friend, you take him."
Jin rolls his eyes. "He's your friend too, isn't he?"
"Right now? No, he isn't."
"So I have to flee from my own party to take him home?" Jin asks with an edge of accusation. "Great... just awesome."
"Says the guy who's sitting here with a can of beer in his hand, reminiscing about his long lost love," says Ryo in reply. His words earn a glare from Jin, even though he has to admit that there's some truth in them; since he's not in the mood to party, he might as well leave. Heaving a sigh, he nods, waves goodbye to Koki and follows Ryo to the living room where a very unpleasant sight awaits him; Yamashita is passed out on the couch, curled up in a ball, the punch bowl right next to him on the floor.
"What's that in his hair?" Jin asks suspiciously, staring at the mess of strands on Yamashita's face.
"Punch à la Tomohisa," Ryo says dully. "You see, right after he threw up in the bowl, he passed out in it."
Oh lord. Jin doesn't know whether he should be amused or plain irritated by the fact that he has to drag a smelly, drunken friend to his home to ruin his new furniture but after considering the situation for a while, he decides it's probably better to take a positive approach.
Just when he's decided it, Yamashita wakes up for a while long enough to throw up in the punch again.
Yeah, it's gonna be a long night.
***
An annoying, piercing sort of sound penetrates into Jin's consciousness. He groans, rolling to his side, and tries to ignore the sound only to notice it's not going away; it's his doorbell. Frustrated, he climbs out of the bed - hitting Yamashita as he does -, and drags his feet to the door, barely awake as he opens it and meets a complete stranger on his doorstep.
"Akanishi-san?" the stranger calls questioningly. Jin grunts something incoherent in an affirmative reply, squinting - his eyes feel like they'd be filled with sand - as the stranger introduces himself as a mailman and asks him to sign the package. He scribbles down something carelessly and grabs the package, slamming the door close at the man's face.
Sender: Tanaka Koki, the front of the package says and Jin feels immediately more awake - why would Koki send him anything? Curious, he rips the package open with impatient fingers.
Inside, there's a CD with a post-it stuck on it that says 'listen to me'. There's also a note, but Jin is too curious about the CD to pay attention to the note yet; he rushes to his CD-player and inserts the disc, pressing play with a little shaky fingers - although he can't, for the life of him, figure out where the nervousness is coming from.
The first soft tunes of a song fill the room, only a few notes before -
Jin freezes, the note slipping through his fingers. Kame... it's Kame's voice.
His breathing accelerates as he listens to Kame's soft, familiar voice flowing through the loudspeakers, filling up every empty corner in both the living room and Jin's soul; it's so warm, the feeling inside him when he listens to Kame singing those beautiful, beautiful lyrics with his voice dripping emotion. During the time the song plays he's in a trance-like state, overwhelmed by emotion; even when it ends he still remains immobile, staring ahead with glassy eyes.
Then, slowly, he begins to take notice of the world around him and remembers the note, now lying discarded on the floor; picking it up, he tries to keep his hands from shaking as he unfolds the piece of paper and reads:
Kazuya wrote this song right before we disbanded. It's called 'Kizuna' and he only performed it once in our farewell concert as his last solo performance. A single was never released despite people's requests.
***
Jin keeps telling himself that it's useless to be nervous, but it fails to erase the feeling. He can't help but wonder whether he'll just end up making a fool of himself - what if Kame never wrote that song for him in the end? What if it was just a flow of inspiration, words piled up one after another, a song that he wrote to his fans - yeah, actually, that would make much more sense, wouldn't it? A song about a bond that never disappears, farewell concert, grieving fans...
Suddenly he feels stupid standing there, trying to muster up the courage to walk to the reception desk and ask about Kame. But he's already there so what's the point of turning around...?
No, he can't do it, he can't just march to Kame out of nowhere and demand that he tell him whether he still has feelings for Jin... that'd be stupid, plain stupid, and reckless, and unfair of him. Panicked, he dials Yamashita's number, determined to ask the man to come and save him before it's too late.
"Pi," he breathes out immediately after he hears Yamashita's voice on the other end of the line. "I can't do this... come and pick me up, please?"
"Of course you can do it," Yamashita says; Jin can hear the frustration in his voice. "I won't come pick you up before you settle this once and for all, okay? You're leaving to L.A. next week."
Jin closes his eyes, massaging his forehead in desperation, and snaps: "What's that got to do with anything?"
"You've been obsessing over Kamenashi ever since you received the CD, do you think that's gonna change once you're in the States? They need you focused, not with your mind clouded by whether he still loves you or not."
Sadly, it makes sense.
"I doubt they need me heart-broken either," Jin mutters feebly, imaging the worst-case scenario in his head over and over again. "I'll be just as distracted then as I am now and -"
"Shut up and do it," Yamashita cuts in, hanging up. Jin stands there with the phone in his hand, cursing the fact that his friend has to be such a know-it-all - he should have called Ryo...
Sighing, he approaches the woman on the reception desk.
"How can I help you?" the woman asks, blushing as she recognizes Jin - which in return surprises him because he's made sure to cover himself, hiding under a fedora and black sunglasses. He can only hope that his name won't be on the cover of a magazine the next day - what would it look like, anyway? The tabloids would surely exploit the opportunity and start telling a story about his and Kame's secret love affair, and it would compromise both of their careers, and -
Wait, isn't he getting ahead of himself?
"I'm, uh..." Jin stutters, glancing nervously around to make sure no one else is listening, "I'm looking for Kamenashi Kazuya?"
The woman looks at him in surprise, unable to wipe the expression of amazement away even when she says "Just a moment, sir" and picks up the phone, dialing a number. Jin waits impatiently, all the while a little paranoid while imagining that he sees a reporter around every corner.
"Sir?" the woman calls, attracting their attention. "They're asking who's trying to reach him."
Jin sighs, thinking it was stupid of him to assume that he could get inside without having to reveal his name.
"Akanishi Jin," he says with a hint of defeat, suppressing the urge to roll his eyes when the woman lets out a giggle. Luckily she has at least some sort of courtesy and remembers that she's working - actually, now that Jin thinks about it, he's a little surprised how she survives on daily basis. After all, it's Johnny's Entertainment; there are celebrities everywhere.
The woman continues talking until finally, the call comes to an end and she lies down the phone, smiling brightly.
"He's on the fifth floor," she says, "Take the elevator and -"
"Thank you," Jin says quickly, feeling nauseous all of a sudden. "I know my way around. He's in the conference room?"
Again, the woman looks surprised, but nods in an affirmative reply. Jin thanks her again and starts walking towards the elevators, trying to keep his balance; on top of the nausea, there's a sudden dizziness in his head, and he's afraid he might trip over his own feet.
When he reaches the fifth floor, he can feel his heart beating in his throat, threatening to jump out of him - or that's how it feels, when he knows that every step he takes is a step closer to Kame. His palms are covered in cold sweat and a couple of times he almost turns around, deciding not to go after all, only to remember that Kame's already been informed so he can't back out.
He knocks on the conference room door lightly, closing his eyes momentarily when he hears footsteps approaching and then... the door opens.
The first thing Jin thinks is that Kame looks different. The change isn't towards the worse, though, definitely not; he looks more like an adult, more mature with a muscular body that Jin hardly recognizes to be his. There's a healthy glow on his cheeks, and black circles no longer shadow his eyes; his hair is shorter, falling on his cheeks in soft, shiny locks. But there's something else too, something that isn't connected with his physical appearance - something, yes, but Jin can't quite put his finger on it.
"Jin," Kame greets after a moment of silence; his voice holds no emotion whatsoever. "I thought that the receptionist was joking."
He doesn't know what he expected - nothing too warm, that's for sure -, but he can't help but feel a little hurt by Kame's cold welcome. He can feel the uncertainty in his own voice when he says: "I... yeah, I'm... I'm here because, uh..."
His voice trails off in lack of words as he can't explain the reason of his visit even to himself, yet alone to the other one.
"Koki sent you the song," Kame finishes his sentence for him, though in a way that he never intended to; it hasn't even crossed his mind to mention the song. Then, answering the surprised question in Jin's eyes, Kame adds: "He told me."
"He did?" Jin says flatly, as he's in no means surprised to know that Koki's gone to such lengths to reunite them; it's just yet another thing that he should've seen coming.
"Is that why you came here?" Kame asks bluntly. "To ask about whether I wrote the song about you, about... us?"
The conversation is certainly not going in the wanted direction and Jin swallows nervously, shifting his weight from one foot to another. He doesn't know whether he should take the road of honesty like Kame, or try to say something else - but then again, since Kame already knows that Jin's heard the song... Before he can bother himself any further over it, Kame continues talking without waiting for a reply.
"Because if that's why you're here," the man says, taking a step closer, "I can ask you the same, right?"
"W-what?" Jin blinks, feeling gradually stupider for stuttering and repeating the other one's words without being able to say anything even remotely coherent.
"Your last song, the one you've never sung before," Kame says, explaining it like telling something to a five-year-old, yet with an odd kind of edge in his voice. "I was in the concert with Koki. I heard it."
"You were?" Jin echoes, suddenly breathless - sure, he hoped for Kame to hear the song, but he never realized that in order to hear it, the man would have to see his performance too - stupid of him really, but his mind hasn't been clear in the past few days. And now, as he looks at Kame with what probably is quite the dumb expression, he feels utterly helpless; if he could only read Kame's expression, if the man could so much as hint what he's feeling... But no, Kame's face is a blank mask as they stare at one another in silence.
"You made the headlines, did you notice?" Kame asks, taking yet another step forward. Jin stops trying to figure out Kame's thoughts, the close proximity clouding his mind. "Everyone's buzzing about it. They're curious."
Kame seems a little short of breath when he, carefully so, brings a hand to rest on Jin's chest, grasping the fabric of his white v-neck. The touch draws a sharp, involuntary gasp from Jin's lips; breathing shallowly, he stands completely immobile, fearing that the slightest of movement will make the other pull his hand away. Kame's gaze is lowered, looking at something else than Jin's face - maybe his own hand, or maybe nothing at all, but the way they're not looking at each other makes the situation even more charged.
"Your heart is racing," Kame whispers, and for the first time there's warmth in his voice, the kind of softness that seems to flow right into Jin's consciousness and intoxicate him entirely. That's not the only reason for his lack of words, though. He just doesn't know what to say and how to say it without sounding like an utter idiot... and, for the life of him, he doesn't want to break the moment any sooner than necessary. In fact, he wouldn't mind if it lasted forever...
When Kame leans closer excruciatingly slow, Jin thinks he will faint for sure; but when the man's lips catch his, no such thing remains on his mind anymore.
Soft, warm, familiar... a lingering touch of Kame's lips on his, an inquiring yet determined meeting of mouths, the kiss only lasts for a few seconds yet is filled with such an amount of tension and emotion that as soon as their lips part, they drown themselves in another one - and then another, and another, until it's useless to count, their lips moving against one another ardently without any desire to pull apart. Jin's arms wind around Kame's waist in an instinctive, lust-driven action and the man moans into his mouth, grasping onto his shirt desperately while the kiss deepens to the point where neither of them can breathe, let alone think.
When Kame pulls them into the conference room and locks the door behind them, Jin knows for sure that he doesn't have to worry about the man's feelings - not right now, at least. He doesn't care whether it lasts for only that time, or for all eternity; if he has the chance to hold Kame for even a fragment of a second, he'll take it.
Two weeks later
A deafening scream pierces through the room, followed by a loud crash as Kame smashes Jin's only remaining flower vase into the opposite wall. It shatters and the pieces scatter all over, and Jin dodges the shower of glass by throwing himself out of the way; the movement is performed quite skillfully, mostly because he's had a lot of practice over the last two weeks. When he gets back up on his feet he faces Kame with an expression of anger.
"How many glasses need to be broken before you realize that I'm not giving in?" Jin almost shouts, his voice heavy with exhaustion. "I'm not letting you go, okay? YOU NEED TO GET BETTER."
Kame gives out a laughter, the kind that sends shivers down Jin's spine. "Really? And since when are you my mother, I wonder?"
"Since your own abandoned you," Jin snaps, perfectly aware of the effect of his words - but that's the point, making Kame feel something, making him take responsibility for what he's done.
Kame's face darkens. "You did not just say that."
"I did," Jin says, taking a step closer. Kame is standing near the door, panting heavily, his eyes blazing. He can't get out - Jin made sure of it after his first attempt by hiring a locksmith to install another lock on the door, one that's on the inside and only Jin has the key to - but he sure as hell is trying hard to change that. Every single day, Kame throws a tantrum, demanding to get out; and every single time something's smashed against the wall as he realizes there's no way of escaping. He's even tried to direct his anger at Jin more than once, trying to throw a punch or a kick - unsuccessfully so, because even after gaining some weight after a few good meals, he's still far too weak to resist Jin.
"I'm an adult," Kame growls. "If I want out, I will get out, you hear me? This is practically... kidnapping, isn't this? Wait till I call the police -"
"Go ahead - I'm sure they'd be delighted to hear about the drugs," Jin cuts in, silencing the other. "Maybe that's a good idea, actually. Maybe it would finally knock some sense into you."
Kame opens his mouth to reply, but closes it immediately after, in lack of words. His enraged expression melts away, replaced by despondency, and his knees give out; collapsing onto the floor, he buries his face in his hands and starts sobbing helplessly, his entire body trembling.
Jin rushes to him without a word, without another accusation, and pulls the man into a warm, loving embrace. He rocks Kame in his arms like a baby, backwards and forwards, whispering comforting words in an endless chain - it'll be alright, everything will be fine, you just wait, we'll get through this together. The more he repeats the same things, the more he starts believing in them himself.
Maybe... just maybe it'll all work out somehow.
After a while, Kame's sobs quiet down and eventually disappear.
***
Jin opens his tired eyes, his attempt to sleep distracted by the play of moonlight on his face; piercing through the crack in the curtains, it paints the room in silver, lighting up the shadows in the abandoned corners. He sighs, reluctant to leave the bed to draw the curtains; it's too warm, too safe under the blanket that he shares with Kame, the both of them naked with his front pressed against the man's back.
"Something wrong?" Kame asks quietly, half-asleep. Jin smiles and pulls him closer, tighter against his chest, enjoying the way their bodies touch without anything in between - both literally and figuratively speaking.
"I forgot to draw the curtains," Jin replies softly, muttering the words against Kame's ear.
"I can get them for you," Kame says, yawning, and begins to struggle away from Jin's embrace; Jin, however, refuses to let him go, holding him even tighter instead so that all his attempts are good for nothing.
"Don't go," Jin pleads, sliding his fingertips over the familiar contours of Kame's skin. "Please."
Kame gives a soft laughter, placing his hands on Jin's, keeping them from wandering any lower than they already threaten to. "The window is a few steps away, Jin. I'll come back right after."
"Nooo," Jin squeals, dragging out the vowel in the end to the point of sounding like a little kid who's just been denied of a lollipop. "I need you here..."
His lips find the crook of Kame's neck and place a soft, lingering kiss there, one that draws a quiet moan from the man's lips.
"We need to sleep, Jin... We're meeting the guys tomorrow..." Kame disagrees, quite unimpressively so as his voice lacks determination.
"Sure," Jin replies absent-mindedly, continuing to drop kisses down Kame's skin, his lips moving softly over the places that he knows to be most sensitive. Kame lets out a moan, and Jin knows he's won; the man is giving in, slowly but surely, he can feel it, the change in his body under his touch and the willingness to have more. He knows Kame all too well... especially in this area.
Kame turns his head, whispering an incoherent kiss me, his eyes closed in anticipation. And Jin does so - why wouldn't he, after all -, climbing on top of the other to seize him in between his legs. Blood boils in Jin's veins like fire under his skin as their lips move against one another, hands grasping haphazardly on whatever they can find; and the more passionate the kiss grows, the more they lose themselves in it. It's like back when they started dating, the ardour, the need to be closer and closer and closer; the unstoppable, overwhelming desire sweeps over them in waves, makes them shiver, makes them numb, almost.
And that night, they make love like they never have before. Maybe it's the fact that they've been apart for so long, or that things seem to finally be getting better; or maybe it's the way Jin feels like he's discovering Kame all over again, feeling up his body like it would be his first time touching it. Whatever the reason, neither of them cares; not when it's like that, not when the frantic moans and whispers filled with lust fill the room, not when they, in that moment, only exist for each other.
That night, Jin wishes the morning with its harsh reality would never come. He wishes he could just stay there, holding Kame, kissing him, making love to him, uninterrupted - but as always, reality is fast to catch up on them. The first rays of sunlight pierce through the curtains all too soon as a sign of morning, and Kame gets up - placing a lingering kiss on Jin's lips before he does -, rushing to the bathroom to get ready before his band mates appear on the doorstep.
Jin uses the time wandering around his small apartment, cleaning up the mess that they - or well, mostly Kame - has left behind. He picks up the shards of glass from the floor, gathers up the dirty garments and places them in the laundry, even does the dishes while waiting for Kame to finish showering.
He sure is taking a long time, Jin thinks as the other one still isn't back after more than thirty minutes. Glancing at the clock, he realizes there isn't much time left; the rest of KAT-TUN will be there soon. He knows that Kame enjoys taking his showers alone but seeing as they're running out of time, Jin decides to join the other.
He pulls the bathroom door open and sees - oh no. Jin swallows, looking at Kame who's sitting on the edge of the bathtub with a piece of paper in his hands.
"What's that?" Jin asks, trying to keep his tone light and his expression as neutral as possible.
Kame looks at him, dark and brooding, the locks of hair glued to his face still dripping. "This, my darling, is your contract with -" he pauses theatrically and glances at the paper, "- Avex Group Holdings Inc."
Jin can't help but curse silently in his mind over and over again - how could he forget it? He's been moving the contract around from one place to another, hoping that Kame wouldn't find it because he doesn't want the other one to find out, doesn't want to add any extra pressure on his shoulders; the important thing is for Kame to get better, that's all that matters.
Too late for that now, though.
"I meant to tell you," Jin explains, his voice calm although there's a storm inside him because he knows, knows it for sure, that Kame is angry out of his mind. "I really did, okay? I was going to tell you."
"When?" Kame replies angrily, standing up. His eyes are blazing. "After you've already violated the contract and gotten yourself in trouble?"
Jin shakes his head. "No, of course not. And besides, I don't care about getting in trouble, you're what matters -"
"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" Kame shouts, his voice echoing in the bathroom. "THIS IS YOUR DREAM, JIN! OF COURSE THIS MATTERS! I'VE BEEN HERE ALL THESE YEARS, I KNOW HOW FUCKING MUCH YOU WANT THIS, AND YOU'RE JUST GONNA THROW YOUR BIGGEST DREAM AWAY FOR ME? I'M A FREAKING DRUG ADDICT, JIN!"
"I care about you," Jin snaps back at him, although in a considerably quieter voice, "Since when is that a crime?!"
Kame growls in frustration and takes a hold of Jin's shoulders, throwing him against the wall.
"Since you stopped living your own life," Kame hisses, his face only inches away from Jin's who is almost paralyzed by fear; he's never seen the other one like this, never. "I know you, Jin. I know you're not as noble as you've pretended to be these past couple of weeks."
Jin doesn't know what to say - not that he could, as he's still too taken aback.
"You have always been jealous of me," Kame continues, his voice bitter and cold. "Always, for as long as you can remember, and it only got worse after I got accepted into Johnny's and you didn't. Since then it's been all about you. Every time I receive good news I think oh crap, how am I gonna tell this to Jin? How is he gonna take it this time? For how long will he push me out this time?"
Everything Kame says is like daggers through his chest; he's bleeding on the inside, unable to breathe properly, a weird kind of coldness spreading to each cell in his stiff body. The worst thing isn't what Kame is saying, it's that what he's saying is true, and Jin doesn't know how to argue back - hell, he can't argue back, there's nothing to say, nothing at all.
"Well guess what, Akanishi?" Kame spits out; the use of Jin's family name alone pierces through him like a knife. "I'm done, you hear me? Done. You go and make your dream come true, I don't even care anymore. I'm done caring."
He stares at Jin for a moment, watching the words sink in; then he loosens his grip and stomps away, leaving Jin lean against the wall. Through his clouded mind, he can hear the man moving around the apartment, rummaging through the closets, picking up his things; and then he hears his angry steps on the living room floor, going towards the door, opening it - he's taken the key, damn it - but when Jin finally manages to force himself to move, the man's already gone and the only thing to greet him is the open door.
He's gone.
Jin's knees give out, but he feels nothing when he hits the floor; no pain, nothing, he barely even realizes he's there on the cold surface. He just stares at the open door, hoping he's still sleeping only to understand that he isn't, and somewhere deep inside him there's a hollow ache, the need to cry - only that he can't.
After a moment of silence, he stumbles up and walks to the door as calmly as ever, closing it like nothing would have happened; and then, just as emotionlessly, he grabs his guitar from the corner and starts playing.
The only things that express the agony deep within him are the melancholic notes that fill the air.
Three years later
Jin steps on the stage, greeted by rapturous applause. The sound is thunderous as the entire Tokyo Dome shouts out his name, clapping and jumping, excited out of their minds; and for a moment Jin can't help but stare, seeing all those people there, people who have come to see him. He can't believe it, can't wrap his mind around the fact that all those people are there for him; that the mass of enthusiastic fans have paid to see him performing on this enormous stage. Maybe he should have realized it sooner, back when they were planning the concert, back when he heard about the lights and smoke effects and all the props - and he definitely should have realized when he first heard how much the whole thing would cost but no, he only realizes it now, standing there in front of all those people.
He feels comfortable in the spotlight as always, like he'd be home. And, in fact, his home is on stage, doing what he loves the most; dancing, singing, finding ways to express his feelings in a way that is natural and easy for him. He can't think of anything that he'd rather do. His dream is finally real, it's there, and it's almost too overwhelming for him to handle at times.
It's the last concert from his Asian tour, held here in his home country just as he requested. He's been to Korea, Taiwan, China and Philippines, enjoying the company of his fans and the fact that he gets to perform for them - and it's all been just as he imagined, even better.
Sometimes he thinks he's in over his head in all of it... the popularity, the grandness of everything, the workload. Sometimes he's so exhausted he can barely keep on his feet, but his love for his job keeps him going.
Like now, throughout the two-hour concert, nothing stops him. He loves the people he works with, the dancers and the singers and all the people who've been there for him for the past three years, their unwavering support keeping Jin sane when things get tough. And he loves the fans, who so passionately love him back; he loves giving them what they want, and loves flirting with them, loves watching how smiles light up their faces just because he looks in their direction.
But it all comes to an end all too soon, and only one last song remains... one that Jin has never sang before, one that he's been saving for this particular moment.
The entire Tokyo Dome quiets down, waiting for Jin to speak.
"I wrote this song three years ago," Jin speaks into the microphone, feeling nervous; he's never talked about this song to anyone, let alone in public. He can hear his voice quivering, but he knows that people won't mind - they always love a good display of emotion.
"Back then I only had my guitar and dreams," Jin continues, and the crowd screams in response. "But thanks to them, I was able to create this song for someone important."
There's more screaming; some people even have tears rolling down their faces, streaming down in swift rivers. The fans' passion for their idols never ceases to amaze him.
Taking a shaky breath, Jin grasps onto the microphone stand with both hands, his voice trembling noticeably now as he says:
"If you're listening, this is for you."
Everything quiets down when the music starts playing - or perhaps it's just his imagination, perhaps he's just too lost in his own world to notice anything else. Closing his eyes, he allows the familiar melody to pierce through the walls that he's built to protect himself; the tunes go further and further, into the very core of his soul, into dark depths that he's forgotten long ago.
He recalls the moment that has tortured him for the past three years, a moment of immense pain, a moment of loss; it's burned in his memory like paint on canvas, the moment when Kame walked out of his life. He can still recall it, that hollow numbness, that realization of never being able to hold him again...
Tears well up in his eyes but he ignores them and starts singing, the lyrics flowing out of him without effort although he hasn't sang them in years; he's just played the melody, kept it fresh in his mind, but never bothered with the words that he wrote for this song in a moment of agony... no, the lyrics are too painful. Even now that he's singing them, they feel like needles on his tongue, like daggers in his heart.
When the song comes to an end after three and a half painful minutes, he has absolutely no control over the stream of tears on his face.
***
"What now?" Jin sighs as the limousine pulls up into Ryo's driveway. The house is buzzing with life; from the looks of it, there are more than twenty people inside, and the music is playing loud enough to be heard in the car too, although they haven't even reached the house yet.
"It's party time," Ryo says, smirking. "You know why?"
"Why?" Jin asks lazily when the car stops behind a line of hastily parked cars.
"We're celebrating," Ryo replies as they stumble out of the car and start making their way to the house. "And it's not just any celebration, you know. You, Akanishi Jin, finished your first Asia concert tour, how awesome is that?!"
Jin can't help but smile at the other one's enthusiasm. "Yeah, I guess it's pretty awesome."
"GUESS?" Ryo exclaims, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. "It is pretty awesome and you better celebrate it with all you've got, okay?"
Partying... okay, now that he thinks about it, it doesn't sound like such a bad idea. He needs to relax, and it's not like he has anything to do tomorrow...
A grin lights up his face. "Who did you invite?"
"The usual," Ryo says vaguely. "And a little extra."
He pulls the front door open and Jin stops in his tracks, staring at the amount of people incredulously; there are more than twenty people present for sure, most of them people that Jin can barely recognize - they must be friends of Ryo's, since he has a whole bunch of them, almost enough to populate a city.
He turns to look at Ryo with a raised eyebrow. "A little extra?"
Yamashita Tomohisa, also a good friend of Jin's, rushes to them before Ryo can reply; he's holding a glass of punch with a wide grin on his face. He's clearly more than a little tipsy, throwing himself at Jin while shouting "CONGRATS" with a voice loud enough to almost tear Jin's eardrums.
"Well thank you, Pi," Jin laughs, pushing the other away. "You might wanna watch the punch, huh? I don't want you passing out on me before the party's even started."
Yamashita gives an extremely goofy smile. "What do you mean watch the punch? It's not going anywhere."
Jin taps the man's shoulder, quite sure that it's hopeless to try and make his point through. "Carry on, soldier."
"What?" Yamashita mumbles in confusion, pouting his lips. "I'm not a soldier..."
"Just how long has this party already been going on?" Jin asks Ryo, shaking his head as Yamashita suddenly sees someone familiar and dashes to the other side of the room, staggering as he does.
Ryo shrugs. "I don't know... a couple of hours, maybe?"
They both follow as Yamashita hugs what seems to be, by the looks of it, a complete stranger to him - or at least the man looks quite puzzled, offended almost, while pushing the drunk man away.
"I think we should keep him in restraints," Ryo mutters, "You know, just in case."
Jin laughs. "I was just thinking the same. Hey, I'll get myself something to drink, okay? You go and..." he pauses, looking at Yamashita who's currently clinging to the poor man, talking excitedly about something while spilling most of his drink on him, "... do something. Save that poor man before Pi comes up with something even crazier."
Ryo nods, and Jin walks to the kitchen that is, to his great relief, empty. He raids the fridge and finds a can of beer (he's not a great friend of punch), but instead of joining the rest of the people in the living room, he sits down by the kitchen table to take a breath. As much as he finds himself enjoying the presence of his friends, he just desperately needs a moment on his own first.
He's not allowed to be by himself for long, though; someone walks in the moment he raises the can to his lips and takes a sip.
"Koki?" Jin calls incredulously; the man looks at him, equally surprised, until his face melts into a smile.
"Akanishi, yo!" Koki says, still smiling, and sits down on the chair beside Jin. "How are you, man? The fame got to your head yet?"
"I hope not," Jin replies with a ring of laughter. "I'm fine, everything's just... you know, brilliant. Just finished my tour, did you hear?"
"I did, congrats on that."
Jin swallows, his smile faltering a little as he asks: "And what about you?"
"I take it you've heard about our disbanding," Koki says and, to Jin's great surprise, smiles; he expected a whole another reaction. "I'm doing solo stuff... Ueda too, he's quite busy actually. Nakamaru married and Junno, well, I'm not exactly sure where he is at the moment... Somewhere in Europe, I think."
"And Kamenashi?" Jin asks, trying to sound unaffected though his heart is racing like crazy in his chest. "I heard he's clean. I mean... Ryo told me that he went to rehab?"
Koki probably notices it, the nervousness on his face, but is polite enough not to say anything. "He did, yeah, right after you guys broke up."
"He wasn't suspended?" Jin asks, knowing perfectly well how strict the guys at the agency are; the only reason he hasn't gotten in trouble with his own is because he's kept his partying to a minimum.
"He was," Koki replies, looking as if the memory still stings a little. "It was just never made public. There was no need for all that... you know, unnecessary attention. As far as the rest of the world's concerned, he hurt himself during practice."
Jin knows he's about to cross a line and sound a little too interested in Kame's affairs but he can't help it; there's one question left that he's dying to ask. Trying to sound as indifferent as possible, he mutters: "And what's he up to these days?"
Koki looks at him with a hint of something, perhaps amusement, and Jin gets the feeling that the man knows just how desperately he needs all the information. Luckily Koki has always been courteous enough not to mention such things aloud.
"He's acting. I'm surprised you haven't heard, actually... He's everywhere these days, or so it seems to me."
"I guess I haven't paid attention," Jin says and relaxes a little, having heard what he wanted to hear - that Kame is okay and most importantly, still alive. There are still a million other questions on his mind, ones that would probably sound irrelevant to Koki's ears; stupid thoughts such as what Kame looks like these days, how he's been holding up, whether the rehab was hard on him... how long he's been clean, whether he ever asks about Jin through their mutual friends. But none of that is his business - not anymore, at least.
"I have to confess something," Koki says with a playful smile, interrupting Jin's train of thoughts. "I was at your concert today."
Jin's eyes widen. "You were?"
"Yeah," Koki replies, looking absent-mindedly at the fridge door that Ryo's plastered with everything from postcards to concert tickets. "And it was pretty damn awesome, if I can say so." He glances at Jin. "Especially the last song. You never said what it's called, though."
It's Jin's turn to stare absent-mindedly at the walls as he gives his reply in a very matter-of-fact way. "Hesitate."
"And you wrote it three years ago?" Koki asks, probably trying to sound like he's just chatting casually - just that Jin sees right through his act.
"Look," Jin says firmly; he doesn't want to shout, just express his lack of enthusiasm towards the subject. "I know where you're getting with this and I appreciate your concern, really, but just let it be, please? Yeah, I wrote that song for him and I'm hoping that he will hear it someday, but that's the only thing I'm aiming for. I don't want him back. I don't wanna talk with him. I just want him to hear it."
Koki looks like he's hiding a smile when he says: "Calm down, will you? I was just curious, that's all."
Jin doubts that but contents on nodding a little stiffly, as he's not willing to discuss the subject any further. Koki observes him for a minute, almost as if waiting for him to say something, but gives up after a while as he notices that Jin's made up his mind. Just when the silence between them is getting uncomfortable, Ryo comes to his rescue; he rushes to the kitchen, panting, with a look of exasperation on his face.
"I need you," Ryo snarls, "Now."
Both Jin and Koki stare at Ryo inquiringly, curious as to what has made the usually cheery man so grumpy.
"What's up?"
"He threw up in the punch bowl," Ryo groans, "In the punch, Akanishi. It's ruined."
Jin brings a hand to cover his mouth; he has a feeling that Ryo wouldn't appreciate him laughing right now. "You should've used the restraints."
"Oh come on, just come and help me," Ryo snaps, clearly sensing what a great amusement the whole situation is to Jin. "We're gonna have to drag him out of here."
"But where?" Jin asks, emptying the rest of his beer in one gulp before getting up. "We can't exactly take him to his mom's in this condition."
"You have an apartment," Ryo says. "He's your friend, you take him."
Jin rolls his eyes. "He's your friend too, isn't he?"
"Right now? No, he isn't."
"So I have to flee from my own party to take him home?" Jin asks with an edge of accusation. "Great... just awesome."
"Says the guy who's sitting here with a can of beer in his hand, reminiscing about his long lost love," says Ryo in reply. His words earn a glare from Jin, even though he has to admit that there's some truth in them; since he's not in the mood to party, he might as well leave. Heaving a sigh, he nods, waves goodbye to Koki and follows Ryo to the living room where a very unpleasant sight awaits him; Yamashita is passed out on the couch, curled up in a ball, the punch bowl right next to him on the floor.
"What's that in his hair?" Jin asks suspiciously, staring at the mess of strands on Yamashita's face.
"Punch à la Tomohisa," Ryo says dully. "You see, right after he threw up in the bowl, he passed out in it."
Oh lord. Jin doesn't know whether he should be amused or plain irritated by the fact that he has to drag a smelly, drunken friend to his home to ruin his new furniture but after considering the situation for a while, he decides it's probably better to take a positive approach.
Just when he's decided it, Yamashita wakes up for a while long enough to throw up in the punch again.
Yeah, it's gonna be a long night.
***
An annoying, piercing sort of sound penetrates into Jin's consciousness. He groans, rolling to his side, and tries to ignore the sound only to notice it's not going away; it's his doorbell. Frustrated, he climbs out of the bed - hitting Yamashita as he does -, and drags his feet to the door, barely awake as he opens it and meets a complete stranger on his doorstep.
"Akanishi-san?" the stranger calls questioningly. Jin grunts something incoherent in an affirmative reply, squinting - his eyes feel like they'd be filled with sand - as the stranger introduces himself as a mailman and asks him to sign the package. He scribbles down something carelessly and grabs the package, slamming the door close at the man's face.
Sender: Tanaka Koki, the front of the package says and Jin feels immediately more awake - why would Koki send him anything? Curious, he rips the package open with impatient fingers.
Inside, there's a CD with a post-it stuck on it that says 'listen to me'. There's also a note, but Jin is too curious about the CD to pay attention to the note yet; he rushes to his CD-player and inserts the disc, pressing play with a little shaky fingers - although he can't, for the life of him, figure out where the nervousness is coming from.
The first soft tunes of a song fill the room, only a few notes before -
Jin freezes, the note slipping through his fingers. Kame... it's Kame's voice.
His breathing accelerates as he listens to Kame's soft, familiar voice flowing through the loudspeakers, filling up every empty corner in both the living room and Jin's soul; it's so warm, the feeling inside him when he listens to Kame singing those beautiful, beautiful lyrics with his voice dripping emotion. During the time the song plays he's in a trance-like state, overwhelmed by emotion; even when it ends he still remains immobile, staring ahead with glassy eyes.
Then, slowly, he begins to take notice of the world around him and remembers the note, now lying discarded on the floor; picking it up, he tries to keep his hands from shaking as he unfolds the piece of paper and reads:
Kazuya wrote this song right before we disbanded. It's called 'Kizuna' and he only performed it once in our farewell concert as his last solo performance. A single was never released despite people's requests.
***
Jin keeps telling himself that it's useless to be nervous, but it fails to erase the feeling. He can't help but wonder whether he'll just end up making a fool of himself - what if Kame never wrote that song for him in the end? What if it was just a flow of inspiration, words piled up one after another, a song that he wrote to his fans - yeah, actually, that would make much more sense, wouldn't it? A song about a bond that never disappears, farewell concert, grieving fans...
Suddenly he feels stupid standing there, trying to muster up the courage to walk to the reception desk and ask about Kame. But he's already there so what's the point of turning around...?
No, he can't do it, he can't just march to Kame out of nowhere and demand that he tell him whether he still has feelings for Jin... that'd be stupid, plain stupid, and reckless, and unfair of him. Panicked, he dials Yamashita's number, determined to ask the man to come and save him before it's too late.
"Pi," he breathes out immediately after he hears Yamashita's voice on the other end of the line. "I can't do this... come and pick me up, please?"
"Of course you can do it," Yamashita says; Jin can hear the frustration in his voice. "I won't come pick you up before you settle this once and for all, okay? You're leaving to L.A. next week."
Jin closes his eyes, massaging his forehead in desperation, and snaps: "What's that got to do with anything?"
"You've been obsessing over Kamenashi ever since you received the CD, do you think that's gonna change once you're in the States? They need you focused, not with your mind clouded by whether he still loves you or not."
Sadly, it makes sense.
"I doubt they need me heart-broken either," Jin mutters feebly, imaging the worst-case scenario in his head over and over again. "I'll be just as distracted then as I am now and -"
"Shut up and do it," Yamashita cuts in, hanging up. Jin stands there with the phone in his hand, cursing the fact that his friend has to be such a know-it-all - he should have called Ryo...
Sighing, he approaches the woman on the reception desk.
"How can I help you?" the woman asks, blushing as she recognizes Jin - which in return surprises him because he's made sure to cover himself, hiding under a fedora and black sunglasses. He can only hope that his name won't be on the cover of a magazine the next day - what would it look like, anyway? The tabloids would surely exploit the opportunity and start telling a story about his and Kame's secret love affair, and it would compromise both of their careers, and -
Wait, isn't he getting ahead of himself?
"I'm, uh..." Jin stutters, glancing nervously around to make sure no one else is listening, "I'm looking for Kamenashi Kazuya?"
The woman looks at him in surprise, unable to wipe the expression of amazement away even when she says "Just a moment, sir" and picks up the phone, dialing a number. Jin waits impatiently, all the while a little paranoid while imagining that he sees a reporter around every corner.
"Sir?" the woman calls, attracting their attention. "They're asking who's trying to reach him."
Jin sighs, thinking it was stupid of him to assume that he could get inside without having to reveal his name.
"Akanishi Jin," he says with a hint of defeat, suppressing the urge to roll his eyes when the woman lets out a giggle. Luckily she has at least some sort of courtesy and remembers that she's working - actually, now that Jin thinks about it, he's a little surprised how she survives on daily basis. After all, it's Johnny's Entertainment; there are celebrities everywhere.
The woman continues talking until finally, the call comes to an end and she lies down the phone, smiling brightly.
"He's on the fifth floor," she says, "Take the elevator and -"
"Thank you," Jin says quickly, feeling nauseous all of a sudden. "I know my way around. He's in the conference room?"
Again, the woman looks surprised, but nods in an affirmative reply. Jin thanks her again and starts walking towards the elevators, trying to keep his balance; on top of the nausea, there's a sudden dizziness in his head, and he's afraid he might trip over his own feet.
When he reaches the fifth floor, he can feel his heart beating in his throat, threatening to jump out of him - or that's how it feels, when he knows that every step he takes is a step closer to Kame. His palms are covered in cold sweat and a couple of times he almost turns around, deciding not to go after all, only to remember that Kame's already been informed so he can't back out.
He knocks on the conference room door lightly, closing his eyes momentarily when he hears footsteps approaching and then... the door opens.
The first thing Jin thinks is that Kame looks different. The change isn't towards the worse, though, definitely not; he looks more like an adult, more mature with a muscular body that Jin hardly recognizes to be his. There's a healthy glow on his cheeks, and black circles no longer shadow his eyes; his hair is shorter, falling on his cheeks in soft, shiny locks. But there's something else too, something that isn't connected with his physical appearance - something, yes, but Jin can't quite put his finger on it.
"Jin," Kame greets after a moment of silence; his voice holds no emotion whatsoever. "I thought that the receptionist was joking."
He doesn't know what he expected - nothing too warm, that's for sure -, but he can't help but feel a little hurt by Kame's cold welcome. He can feel the uncertainty in his own voice when he says: "I... yeah, I'm... I'm here because, uh..."
His voice trails off in lack of words as he can't explain the reason of his visit even to himself, yet alone to the other one.
"Koki sent you the song," Kame finishes his sentence for him, though in a way that he never intended to; it hasn't even crossed his mind to mention the song. Then, answering the surprised question in Jin's eyes, Kame adds: "He told me."
"He did?" Jin says flatly, as he's in no means surprised to know that Koki's gone to such lengths to reunite them; it's just yet another thing that he should've seen coming.
"Is that why you came here?" Kame asks bluntly. "To ask about whether I wrote the song about you, about... us?"
The conversation is certainly not going in the wanted direction and Jin swallows nervously, shifting his weight from one foot to another. He doesn't know whether he should take the road of honesty like Kame, or try to say something else - but then again, since Kame already knows that Jin's heard the song... Before he can bother himself any further over it, Kame continues talking without waiting for a reply.
"Because if that's why you're here," the man says, taking a step closer, "I can ask you the same, right?"
"W-what?" Jin blinks, feeling gradually stupider for stuttering and repeating the other one's words without being able to say anything even remotely coherent.
"Your last song, the one you've never sung before," Kame says, explaining it like telling something to a five-year-old, yet with an odd kind of edge in his voice. "I was in the concert with Koki. I heard it."
"You were?" Jin echoes, suddenly breathless - sure, he hoped for Kame to hear the song, but he never realized that in order to hear it, the man would have to see his performance too - stupid of him really, but his mind hasn't been clear in the past few days. And now, as he looks at Kame with what probably is quite the dumb expression, he feels utterly helpless; if he could only read Kame's expression, if the man could so much as hint what he's feeling... But no, Kame's face is a blank mask as they stare at one another in silence.
"You made the headlines, did you notice?" Kame asks, taking yet another step forward. Jin stops trying to figure out Kame's thoughts, the close proximity clouding his mind. "Everyone's buzzing about it. They're curious."
Kame seems a little short of breath when he, carefully so, brings a hand to rest on Jin's chest, grasping the fabric of his white v-neck. The touch draws a sharp, involuntary gasp from Jin's lips; breathing shallowly, he stands completely immobile, fearing that the slightest of movement will make the other pull his hand away. Kame's gaze is lowered, looking at something else than Jin's face - maybe his own hand, or maybe nothing at all, but the way they're not looking at each other makes the situation even more charged.
"Your heart is racing," Kame whispers, and for the first time there's warmth in his voice, the kind of softness that seems to flow right into Jin's consciousness and intoxicate him entirely. That's not the only reason for his lack of words, though. He just doesn't know what to say and how to say it without sounding like an utter idiot... and, for the life of him, he doesn't want to break the moment any sooner than necessary. In fact, he wouldn't mind if it lasted forever...
When Kame leans closer excruciatingly slow, Jin thinks he will faint for sure; but when the man's lips catch his, no such thing remains on his mind anymore.
Soft, warm, familiar... a lingering touch of Kame's lips on his, an inquiring yet determined meeting of mouths, the kiss only lasts for a few seconds yet is filled with such an amount of tension and emotion that as soon as their lips part, they drown themselves in another one - and then another, and another, until it's useless to count, their lips moving against one another ardently without any desire to pull apart. Jin's arms wind around Kame's waist in an instinctive, lust-driven action and the man moans into his mouth, grasping onto his shirt desperately while the kiss deepens to the point where neither of them can breathe, let alone think.
When Kame pulls them into the conference room and locks the door behind them, Jin knows for sure that he doesn't have to worry about the man's feelings - not right now, at least. He doesn't care whether it lasts for only that time, or for all eternity; if he has the chance to hold Kame for even a fragment of a second, he'll take it.