fucking life sucks
I'm doing fantastic! (said in a voice tinged with hysteria...). I fucked up. A lot, and I have no one to blame but myself. Long story short, I let myself be vulnerable, and, because of previous actions, fucked myself over. Instead of explain everything, I'll just paste the email I sent to Brandon.
"This will hopefully be the last time I talk to you ("hopefully" because I'd rather this be the last thing than a drunk/high rant...) We hung out for the first time on June 20, almost 9 months ago. Started texting a bunch over that first/second month. At some point, you texted something along the lines that you had feelings for me. As soon as you said that, you hooked me. My thoughts were along the lines of "well, if he has feelings for me, then I'm safe to have feelings for him." I didn't know myself well enough then to reciprocate feelings; I've never been good at showing how I feel, and I've been in denial for so long, I didn't think it was right to have feelings for you. Over the months, you could have, and should have, cut me off. Whenever I traveled, wherever I went, I thought of you. Do you think that I get presents for all my friends, with benefits or otherwise? And I was never kidding when I hinted that you could live with me. Remember all the times we've both said we need to move out of here? I've been looking at new jobs out in CA; just put a few resumes out last week. I had a crazy dream/hope that I could convince you to come with me, since you want out too.
I went crazy that one time a few months ago because I thought you had blown me off to go out with some random dude on craigslist. While I claimed the majority of my craziness (then) was that I thought you had lied, I was also jealous. But I could understand, because from your perspective, I said I could never see us being together. Regardless of what I've said in the past, I can't believe you didn't ever see that I cared for you more deeply than a regular friend. I've hooked up with three guys and one girl since we've gotten together, and a lot of that was attempting to get you out of my head. It never worked. I think what hurts the most is just that since that day you said you had feelings, I let myself be vulnerable; and that was months and months ago. In the last month or so, I realized I would do almost anything for you. I've been closeted for years and years, but I wanted to be able to be with you, and make you happy, so I came out. I would never have imagined a year ago that I would end up being honest with others and myself like I have now. Even six months ago, I wouldn't have known that I would be honest with myself enough that I could tell you I understand and support you being a woman. Seeing you for the first time since coming out the other night, I realized that I didn't just like you as a guy, I liked *you*.
I'm sorry for rambling. I guess I'm just trying to give myself closure, and hoping/wishing you had still let yourself have feelings for me. I hurt so much more than I've ever remembered hurting, and I'm pissed that I feel like I've wasted so much time and effort with the assumption that you still had feelings. Brandon Tolson/Brandi Heart, I love you. And I hate you. I know how oblivious *I* can be, but I can't believe you never saw this."
So much pain. This is one reason I don't want to be in relationships. It just hurts so much. I sent that email yesterday, when I was sober/hungover. Saturday night, after finding that he didn't have feelings for me, I ended up drinking a bottle of wine - the wine I had in my fridge because it was his favorite. I took an Ambien and a few Valium, then got a text from a girl I know in Richmond asking to hang out. Went out with her and her friends, and remember very little. I know I took at least one molly, and had a few shots and more drinks, and ended up driving my friend Amanda back to her place since I didn't want to drive home. Like I said, I hurt so, so much. I can't write anymore, it just hurts too much. I am going to move out of here in the next two months, or end up killing myself - I learned a great way to do it with a few charcoal grills. This quote from Neil Gaiman:
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
"This will hopefully be the last time I talk to you ("hopefully" because I'd rather this be the last thing than a drunk/high rant...) We hung out for the first time on June 20, almost 9 months ago. Started texting a bunch over that first/second month. At some point, you texted something along the lines that you had feelings for me. As soon as you said that, you hooked me. My thoughts were along the lines of "well, if he has feelings for me, then I'm safe to have feelings for him." I didn't know myself well enough then to reciprocate feelings; I've never been good at showing how I feel, and I've been in denial for so long, I didn't think it was right to have feelings for you. Over the months, you could have, and should have, cut me off. Whenever I traveled, wherever I went, I thought of you. Do you think that I get presents for all my friends, with benefits or otherwise? And I was never kidding when I hinted that you could live with me. Remember all the times we've both said we need to move out of here? I've been looking at new jobs out in CA; just put a few resumes out last week. I had a crazy dream/hope that I could convince you to come with me, since you want out too.
I went crazy that one time a few months ago because I thought you had blown me off to go out with some random dude on craigslist. While I claimed the majority of my craziness (then) was that I thought you had lied, I was also jealous. But I could understand, because from your perspective, I said I could never see us being together. Regardless of what I've said in the past, I can't believe you didn't ever see that I cared for you more deeply than a regular friend. I've hooked up with three guys and one girl since we've gotten together, and a lot of that was attempting to get you out of my head. It never worked. I think what hurts the most is just that since that day you said you had feelings, I let myself be vulnerable; and that was months and months ago. In the last month or so, I realized I would do almost anything for you. I've been closeted for years and years, but I wanted to be able to be with you, and make you happy, so I came out. I would never have imagined a year ago that I would end up being honest with others and myself like I have now. Even six months ago, I wouldn't have known that I would be honest with myself enough that I could tell you I understand and support you being a woman. Seeing you for the first time since coming out the other night, I realized that I didn't just like you as a guy, I liked *you*.
I'm sorry for rambling. I guess I'm just trying to give myself closure, and hoping/wishing you had still let yourself have feelings for me. I hurt so much more than I've ever remembered hurting, and I'm pissed that I feel like I've wasted so much time and effort with the assumption that you still had feelings. Brandon Tolson/Brandi Heart, I love you. And I hate you. I know how oblivious *I* can be, but I can't believe you never saw this."
So much pain. This is one reason I don't want to be in relationships. It just hurts so much. I sent that email yesterday, when I was sober/hungover. Saturday night, after finding that he didn't have feelings for me, I ended up drinking a bottle of wine - the wine I had in my fridge because it was his favorite. I took an Ambien and a few Valium, then got a text from a girl I know in Richmond asking to hang out. Went out with her and her friends, and remember very little. I know I took at least one molly, and had a few shots and more drinks, and ended up driving my friend Amanda back to her place since I didn't want to drive home. Like I said, I hurt so, so much. I can't write anymore, it just hurts too much. I am going to move out of here in the next two months, or end up killing myself - I learned a great way to do it with a few charcoal grills. This quote from Neil Gaiman:
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."