blarg
I'm exhausted. What a long, shitty week. Let's see how it started... First a little background since it's been so long that I've written. Still at Colonial Downs, with the title "Project Manager" (going to ask to have it changed to Operations Project Manager soon, since most Project Managers do IT stuff). Erk, I just realized there's a *lot* of background, so I'll skip most of it for now.
Suffice it to say, I've been busy hopping back and forth between projects. On Monday, I was in Richmond. We closed an OTB last June, and my job was to inventory, clean up, and organize all items for an auction. The place is nasty, and every time I went there I was a little depressed. Even though I didn't open the site, it still feels like some of my failure is why it closed.
Monday night, I realized I had to be in Chesapeake at 9am, so instead of leaving my house at 7am, I asked Brandon if I could stay over. I hadn't seen him in forever. I have realized... I get so pissed at him for how he does stuff some times, but as soon as I see him and am with him, all that anger just disappears. Stuff I get angry at is dumb, too; it's mostly me being crazy. Like not responding to texts, going out without asking if I want to go... I thought he liked me; I guess he does... but I think a lot of the time if he says he's going somewhere he assumes that I know I'm invited. For me, I never assume that. Just because you're telling me you're going somewhere fun doesn't mean you want me with you. Anyways, I went over to his place. I didn't see his sister much cuz the kid kept waking up. Things would be a lot easier if I was just in a friends-with-benefits/relationship with her.
With Brandon... I love cuddling with him, I like being with him, I like being a bottom, I like how he looks. He doesn't like how he looks and wants boobs/to be a woman, which I have a hard time with. Seriously, it's not that I have anything against sex changes, I just really like Brandon the way he is now, and I don't want him to change. Eugh. Anyways, our FWB thing is still secret; I'd like to tell Ronni about it, but I think I need a few drinks before I could do that. So kinda throughout the week I just felt like I needed to tell her I'm bi, and it freaks me out. I'm so fucking lonely, I don't know if I really really like Brandon, or if I just like him a lot because I have no one else. Can't tell the difference >.< I asked him a hypothetical - if I wanted to date him, what would I need to do. I got this response:
"I need a man. Not a boy. Someone who can take care of themselves and is self dependent. Financial stability would be nice because I can't afford too support two people I can barely support myself. I don't like excessive clinginess, I like too know you want too be with me, but I don't have too know what your doing at all times of the day. I do request a goodnight call or text before bed whoever goes first, I'm a huge flirt and I need someone who's gonna know I'm with them no one else and just because i flirt with someone doesn't mean I'm gonna cheat and try too fuck them, I love too cuddle. I don't have too go out every week too be happy, I can be fine laying on the couch watching a movie, I new maturity not someone who acts like a teenager all the time, someone who is responsible especially with their money and doesn't spend $100s on unnecessary junk. I also am not play with being a secret. I need someone who can accept me for who I am. Who doesn't care if we're seen in public whether I'm dressed male or female, I also need someone who can accept the fact that once I can afford it I'm going too be taking Hormones and saving for tits, so I'm goin too be extremely emotional and someone psychotic, I need someone who doesn't necessarily understand what I'm going through, but knows and accepts it. I just want too be accepted. I don't like sloppiness or complete laziness. Pick up after yourself don't leave food laying around and clean your damn bed ever week or two. Don't expect me too be a maid or a chef, though I will probably do it a lot, don expect it out of me. Cook for me every now and again. I've started rambling and I'm not sure what I've already said or repeated lol. There probably a lot more.."
In general I think a lot of points he made are what most women want, so it's a good list to go through and check how I'm doing. One thing I'm working on I guess is the whole acceptance and not caring if seen in public stuff. Eugh he drives me fucking crazy! I care way too much for him; I honestly hope that it's because I'm so lonely, because the alternative would mean a lot of drama... If I really like him for him, then I have to accept that I like guys (eh, I can accept that I'm bi), and I have to let friends/family know that... Gah scary. Alright enough about Brandon.
Just going to brief the rest of the week: Went to Paradocks, put up tracklights and fans, place looks great, and it's making good money. Definitely a star on my eval, heh. Then Wednesday more cleaning/organizing Hull Street, yesterday was the auction. We ended up selling $22k worth of equipment, which means after the auctioneers cut, we've got $17k for the company. Jeanna (vp of operations & my boss) was very happy, as were other corporate management people. Then I sat around today and yesterday desperately trying to catch up on other work I had neglected because of Hull Street. So much work.
I did my resume, but haven't posted it anywhere. I just don't fucking know what I want to do. The overriding wish in my head is to get out of this state, leave everything/everyone behind, including Guinevere, and just work my way up some corporate ladder (at the glass ceiling at Colonial Downs, and horse racing is dying industry...)
Anyways, I've gotten practically no sleep the last few days. Worrying about telling Ronni about Brandon and I (I've been telling her its a girl in Chesapeake who's my FWB...), worrying about Hull St and the auction, and then last night Guinevere was sick and I ended up getting to sleep around 3, 330, and woke up at 630. I hate life so much, every god damn day just sucks. I hate feelings, I hate that I don't know what I want to do, I hate life! AH I'm just so tired and pissed at where I'm at now. I work so hard in a job, not a career, because I can't do a shitty job. I either get drunk or high more often than not to get to sleep. And I think about how nice it would be if a huge plane just went straight into my shitty little apartment, so I could wake up dead...
Suffice it to say, I've been busy hopping back and forth between projects. On Monday, I was in Richmond. We closed an OTB last June, and my job was to inventory, clean up, and organize all items for an auction. The place is nasty, and every time I went there I was a little depressed. Even though I didn't open the site, it still feels like some of my failure is why it closed.
Monday night, I realized I had to be in Chesapeake at 9am, so instead of leaving my house at 7am, I asked Brandon if I could stay over. I hadn't seen him in forever. I have realized... I get so pissed at him for how he does stuff some times, but as soon as I see him and am with him, all that anger just disappears. Stuff I get angry at is dumb, too; it's mostly me being crazy. Like not responding to texts, going out without asking if I want to go... I thought he liked me; I guess he does... but I think a lot of the time if he says he's going somewhere he assumes that I know I'm invited. For me, I never assume that. Just because you're telling me you're going somewhere fun doesn't mean you want me with you. Anyways, I went over to his place. I didn't see his sister much cuz the kid kept waking up. Things would be a lot easier if I was just in a friends-with-benefits/relationship with her.
With Brandon... I love cuddling with him, I like being with him, I like being a bottom, I like how he looks. He doesn't like how he looks and wants boobs/to be a woman, which I have a hard time with. Seriously, it's not that I have anything against sex changes, I just really like Brandon the way he is now, and I don't want him to change. Eugh. Anyways, our FWB thing is still secret; I'd like to tell Ronni about it, but I think I need a few drinks before I could do that. So kinda throughout the week I just felt like I needed to tell her I'm bi, and it freaks me out. I'm so fucking lonely, I don't know if I really really like Brandon, or if I just like him a lot because I have no one else. Can't tell the difference >.< I asked him a hypothetical - if I wanted to date him, what would I need to do. I got this response:
"I need a man. Not a boy. Someone who can take care of themselves and is self dependent. Financial stability would be nice because I can't afford too support two people I can barely support myself. I don't like excessive clinginess, I like too know you want too be with me, but I don't have too know what your doing at all times of the day. I do request a goodnight call or text before bed whoever goes first, I'm a huge flirt and I need someone who's gonna know I'm with them no one else and just because i flirt with someone doesn't mean I'm gonna cheat and try too fuck them, I love too cuddle. I don't have too go out every week too be happy, I can be fine laying on the couch watching a movie, I new maturity not someone who acts like a teenager all the time, someone who is responsible especially with their money and doesn't spend $100s on unnecessary junk. I also am not play with being a secret. I need someone who can accept me for who I am. Who doesn't care if we're seen in public whether I'm dressed male or female, I also need someone who can accept the fact that once I can afford it I'm going too be taking Hormones and saving for tits, so I'm goin too be extremely emotional and someone psychotic, I need someone who doesn't necessarily understand what I'm going through, but knows and accepts it. I just want too be accepted. I don't like sloppiness or complete laziness. Pick up after yourself don't leave food laying around and clean your damn bed ever week or two. Don't expect me too be a maid or a chef, though I will probably do it a lot, don expect it out of me. Cook for me every now and again. I've started rambling and I'm not sure what I've already said or repeated lol. There probably a lot more.."
In general I think a lot of points he made are what most women want, so it's a good list to go through and check how I'm doing. One thing I'm working on I guess is the whole acceptance and not caring if seen in public stuff. Eugh he drives me fucking crazy! I care way too much for him; I honestly hope that it's because I'm so lonely, because the alternative would mean a lot of drama... If I really like him for him, then I have to accept that I like guys (eh, I can accept that I'm bi), and I have to let friends/family know that... Gah scary. Alright enough about Brandon.
Just going to brief the rest of the week: Went to Paradocks, put up tracklights and fans, place looks great, and it's making good money. Definitely a star on my eval, heh. Then Wednesday more cleaning/organizing Hull Street, yesterday was the auction. We ended up selling $22k worth of equipment, which means after the auctioneers cut, we've got $17k for the company. Jeanna (vp of operations & my boss) was very happy, as were other corporate management people. Then I sat around today and yesterday desperately trying to catch up on other work I had neglected because of Hull Street. So much work.
I did my resume, but haven't posted it anywhere. I just don't fucking know what I want to do. The overriding wish in my head is to get out of this state, leave everything/everyone behind, including Guinevere, and just work my way up some corporate ladder (at the glass ceiling at Colonial Downs, and horse racing is dying industry...)
Anyways, I've gotten practically no sleep the last few days. Worrying about telling Ronni about Brandon and I (I've been telling her its a girl in Chesapeake who's my FWB...), worrying about Hull St and the auction, and then last night Guinevere was sick and I ended up getting to sleep around 3, 330, and woke up at 630. I hate life so much, every god damn day just sucks. I hate feelings, I hate that I don't know what I want to do, I hate life! AH I'm just so tired and pissed at where I'm at now. I work so hard in a job, not a career, because I can't do a shitty job. I either get drunk or high more often than not to get to sleep. And I think about how nice it would be if a huge plane just went straight into my shitty little apartment, so I could wake up dead...