weathervane (1/5) [arashi rps]
Weathervane [1/5]
Aiba/Jun | 嵐 RPS | PG-13 | ~12,500 words
Set in the Saudade universe a few months after the events of Saudade, just a little bit further to your town, and In That Certain Time; Jun is seeing with a guy, and Aiba tries to convince Jun (and everyone, and himself) that he's okay with this. Somewhere along the line, he fucks up.
It's been years. Too many years. I started this in 2009, and I wasn't sure if I would ever finish it. I kept coming back to it and revisiting it, changing it as time went on. If I think about it, we're already pretty much in the time I had envisioned the original Saudade story to take place in. However, I didn't really adjust for much - I'm stubbornly clinging to the trappings of my universe! Well, in any case, I'm not sure this is relevant anymore, but it sure felt good to write again. Huge thanks to nicefinalbeam, tangiblewhimsy, and honooko for checking this over! It would never have been finished without you!
Read here on A03
Well, I too can move the prairies
I too can move the sea
I'm gonna take that motion
Take it right inside me
I'm gonna rattle at your windows
Rattle at your doors
Rattle at your shutters
Show you what they're for
No more weathervane, I'm gonna be the wind.
No more spin around, spin around, spin around but always face away
No more weathervane.
I'm gonna be the wind.
Kris Delmhorst - Weathervane
"It's me," Aiba shifts the box in his arms, staring into the pin camera at the top of Jun's security buzzer. Knowing someone else can see you but not being able to see them was a little awkward. "I know I'm a little early -"
"Stop sticking your giant nose into the camera and come on in," Jun's voice crackles over the intercom. The door gives a soft buzz as it comes unlocked, and Aiba opens it, walking towards the elevator.
Aiba doesn't come over too often to Jun's place, and he is rarely invited, but they've all tried to keep a close eye on Jun for the past few months. Checking that Jun is alive and thriving and not trying to hang himself from his curtains has somehow become Aiba's responsibility lately.
It's reasonable, really; they only live about twenty minutes apart by car; and Jun kicks him out less than he does Sho (who has a tendency to fuss), or Nino, who can't really be bothered with pretenses or sympathy, and who rarely manages to drag himself away from his and Leader's island paradise for more than a few days at a time anyways.
Not that Jun is aware of this little agreement; he would probably never let any of them in again if he knew. There's an unspoken understanding among the other four that these visits be conducted in the most casual and inconspicuous manner possible.
(Personally, Aiba thought that the time Sho pretended to be drunk and get his hand stuck in a jar because Jun wasn't answering any texts was one of his best acting moments of all time. Jun probably didn't appreciate having his marathon bubble bath interrupted, but that was probably why Sho got kicked out so often.)
This time, Aiba had brought fresh mangoes that he picked up for Jun during the location shoot he and Nino did for MIS☆CHIEF in Kagoshima two days ago. Jun would love them, and Aiba could argue that it was easier to just "stop by" and bring them to Jun's place rather than giving them to him at work.
The elevator in Jun's building is smooth and quick, humming almost imperceptibly as the city slips away beneath Aiba, the glass shell rising higher and higher. Aiba usually takes the stairs in his own place; he only lives on the sixth floor, and the elevators jolt and sometimes open randomly on the same floor after he already pushed the button to close the doors.
The doors open on the fifteenth floor, and Aiba looks up from where he had been admiring his shoes in the mirrored reflection of the elevator doors. Jun's apartment is one door over from the elevator - at least, he's pretty sure it is. But the guy who just clicked the door shut and is walking towards the open elevator is definitely not Jun.
"Hold the door, please!" The guy waves his hand as he jogs up to the elevator. Aiba ducks his head automatically, a long-held reflex, and shifts the mango box onto one arm, jamming his finger against the hold button.
The man looks nondescript enough; maybe a year or two younger than Aiba (though it's hard to tell, isn't it. Nino still gets carded from time to time when they're overseas) in casual, stylish clothes, a leather jacket casually slung over one arm. He looks familiar somehow, but Aiba can’t place him.
The guy smiles broadly as he walks into the elevator. "Thanks," he says.
"No problem. I'm getting out here," Aiba tugs his cap down over his eyes as he edges past the other man. Which is stupid, really - if this guy just came out of Matsujun's apartment, then he knew Matsujun. There was no point in hiding.
Jun hadn't mentioned that he had company when he had buzzed Aiba up; hopefully he didn't interrupt anything important. He knocks on Jun's door, and it opens almost immediately.
"Hey," Jun looks kind of breathless and cross. His bangs are falling over his forehead and his cheeks are all flushed. "Good timing, you can help me move this couch. This living room is too narrow, really." Jun spends a lot of time complaining about his new apartment, but he absolutely refuses to move.
"Did I scare your friend away?" Aiba asks, toeing off his shoes and handing over the box in his arms to Jun.
"He - no, don't worry," Jun rearranges Aiba's shoes in the entranceway and hands him a pair of slippers, "He was leaving anyway. I almost forgot that you said you were coming over today - hey!" Jun already had the box on the counter and was pulling the lid off, eyes going wide.
Aiba had made sure to find the absolute best, dragging Nino and his manager to three different fruit shops between shooting. Jun had a weakness for few things, but fresh, sweet fruit was one of the surest ways to his heart.
"These look great. Why don't I cut up one now?" Jun weighs a heavy, fragrant fruit in one palm.
"They're for you," Aiba protests, but Jun is already setting out a cutting board and surveying his knife rack with delight. "So, your friend, how do you know -"
"Should I make tea?" Jun asks, cutting across Aiba's question.
"I -" Aiba realizes that he had no clue where his questions were leading to, and it might be a good idea to just shut up. "Please."
It doesn't escape Aiba that Jun is being evasive, but he supposes it really isn't his business anyways. He sits at Jun's counter and watches Jun expertly dice up a couple of the perfectly ripe mangoes while telling Jun about the winter drama he's going to be in next season, and his crazy new neighbor.
Jun doesn't talk very much about himself, and Aiba doesn't push; this has been a tough time for him, with Sho's wedding so soon and the news of Aiko's recent remarriage. It's probably a bit too much to handle.
Still, Jun seems fine. He sips his tea normally and laughs when Aiba burns his tongue. It's a definite improvement from that messy period of time in January and February when the tabloids were pecking like vultures at the remains of Jun's marriage and Jun himself was peevish and short-tempered.
It's nice, being able to just sit together and talk, to not care about the movement of clock hands. Jun must have left a window open, maybe in his bedroom, and the early September air is soaking hot. Aiba is grateful that they're taking a break from summer concerts this year; aside from keeping Sho's sanity in check, they'll all probably save about four pounds worth of sweat.
"- and maybe France then, if the tickets are reasonable," Jun is saying, when Aiba finally realizes how far his consciousness has floated out. "You can rent private villas there, on the beach -
"Really?" Aiba murmurs, and he tries, honestly, he tries to listen and make interested noises at the appropriate times, but he can't help his mind slipping back to the way Jun had skirted around the edges of his questions when he arrived. Aiba's been trying to piece these sorts of things together for awhile now, wondering if it's all just in his head.
And then, suddenly - he realizes what was so familiar about that guy.
Jun's phone buzzes, and he picks it up, his forehead wrinkling faintly in a frown. Aiba watches him over the rim of his tea mug as he takes a sip. Now that he's remembered, it's like a switch has gone off in his head, all of the clues falling into place.
"Eveything okay?" Aiba asks.
"It's fine." Jun sets his phone back down on the counter. He doesn't seem to care to elaborate.
Not his business at all, really. Aiba thanks Jun for the tea and leaves, pretending not to notice the tangled sheets on Jun's bed, not letting himself think about it until he's alone in the elevator again.
Aiba lets out a deep breath and stares at the doors, so distracted that it takes him a minute to remember to press the button for the ground floor.
+
It was around a month ago when Aiba found out from Nishikido Ryo, who had invited him out to lunch after they wrapped up filming for their summer drama.
"Who was that?" Aiba had asked, after a young, cheerful-looking man had briefly stopped by their table to greet Ryo, before leaving the restaurant.
Ryo had looked a little confused and slightly furtive. "Friend of Matsujun - haven't you ever met him?"
"No." They were all pretty close, of course, but Jun, especially, was a fiercely private person. He had his life with Arashi, and he had his life outside of Arashi - and the two rarely mixed. Just like Sho drank and confided primarily in his old school friends, or like Ohno had his fishing buddies. Different, but neither more important than the other - well, that wasn't completely true in Jun's case. Aiba knew one of Jun's old ex-girlfriends, and she had said that she had felt like he never made a secret about what came first for him, and that while it was nice to date a guy who was caring and warm, so driven and independent, it kind of hurt to realize that order of importance never changed.
So in that aspect, it would have almost been weirder if Aiba had known Jun's friends. It was kind of lonely to realize that Ryo knew, but he and Jun were drinking buddies, so it was possible. "A friend - from high school?" he asked.
"Nah," Ryo shook his head. "I've only met him once before, Jun brought him drinking one night, but I think they've been together for about -" He froze mid-sentence as Aiba's eyes widened. "Forget that I said that, okay?"
Aiba had tried to coax the entire story out of him, but Ryo had refused to say anything more. For a while, he thought he had simply misunderstood. It was just too weird to think about, and even stranger that he couldn't have known that about Matsujun when they had known each other for well over two decades. It made sense, maybe, that Jun wouldn't tell anyone, wouldn't really want anyone to know. Jun was a careful and private person.
The whole revelation had continued to bother Aiba for weeks, a mix of shock and curiosity and half-formed new understandings about a person he had thought he already knew back to front. He couldn't really get his mind off it. He thought about maybe asking Jun directly, casually and carefully, just to get the details and reassure Jun that he didn't care, that Arashi wouldn't care.
It didn't occur to him for a while that if it didn't bother him, he wouldn't have thought about it quite so much.
+
By the time that Aiba leaves Jun's apartment, it's already early evening, so he heads directly to dinner; a rare meal alone with the very busy Sakurai Sho.
It's been awhile since the two of them have gone out like this; Sho has been so busy with wedding preparations recently, not to mention work. Aiba would have thought, having witnessed Sho under pressure before (although of a largely more academic sort) that he would be tense and snappish and frantic. Instead, Sho is relaxed and happy, relating an embarrassing story about dining with his soon-to-be-in-laws and outlining their honeymoon plans - Germany, then off to a brief stop in Amsterdam - Kyoko has relatives there, apparently.
Sho picked the restaurant tonight; a teppanyaki joint in Shibuya and it's nice - good food, private, lots of beer.
"How was Jun?" Sho got there ahead of him, and is waiting in a booth with beer for both of them. He probably ordered already, but Aiba doesn't mind; Sho knows exactly what he likes.
"Seems fine," Aiba wipes his hands with a wet towel, gratefully reaching for the cold beer. He's sweating just from walking outdoors from his car to the restaurant. The beer is cold and delicious, and he feels his tension rising like the bubbles popping up through the foam. This is what Aiba likes best; beer, food, and a conversation he can sink into like a warm bath.
The evening seems to stretch on, and Aiba's brain has gone fuzzy with meat and beer, but something is still bothering him.
Sho is in such a good mood that Aiba didn't think it would hurt to casually bring up that he thought there was a possibility that Matsujun might potentially, possibly, you know, be seeing a guy.
"Hey Sho-chan - have you ever heard anything about Matsujun…with men?"
Sho frowns kind of nervously, like Aiba's made a joke that he doesn't quite get. "Why are you asking?"
Aiba relates the tale of the Leather Jacket Dude and their brief encounter outside of Jun's apartment, and Sho listens attentively, though his frown seems to deepen as Aiba goes on.
"I don't know, Masaki," Sho still doesn't look convinced when Aiba finishes laying out his evidence. "Could just be a friend. Don't you think you're reading too much into this?"
"It's just that he avoids the question," Aiba insists. "He didn't tell me who that guy is, or why he was there. And Ryo said he - "
"Why don't you just ask Jun, if it's that important to know?" Sho cuts in.
"Well - no." Aiba pauses while the waitress quietly slips by to check on their drinks. "I don't really know how to ask him," he admits.
"It's not really our business, in any case," Sho says dismissively. He doesn't sound surprised, even though his ears are red.
He knows, Aiba realizes. Sho had somehow known all along and he had never said a thing. Which stung, really, even if Aiba knows it made sense. Sho and Leader were the ones that everyone confided in.
"Whether he is or he isn't, he deserves his privacy," Sho adds, in a tone that says and that's that.
Aiba decides not to bring it up again.
+
Nanami comes over around midnight and Aiba tries to forget for a little while - which is pretty easy, because Nanami is bright and cheerful and fun to be with. She's about ten years younger than Aiba - most of his girlfriends have been, lately. Nino teases him about it mercilessly, but Aiba just tells him he's jealous because he's shacking up with an old fisherman. She's just Aiba's type; bright, cute and always up for anything.
She had just debuted as part of a female idol group with a new, obscure agency and she's always tired these days from the grind of her schedule. Aiba will massage her shoulders on these late nights, which makes her happy. Nanami is just starting up, and Aiba recognizes in her with a startling sense of nostalgia, his own frightening days all those years ago, when everything moved too fast and nothing seemed fixed in place.
Nanami doesn't really like the other two girls in her unit, and she complains about them a lot - Aiba made sure to record and watch their first Music Station performance and they had been all smiles, but he had heard enough stories about backstage sniping and fights that somehow all of it really just looked so fake. He thought that was kind of sad; even if Arashi hadn't always been totally comfortable together in the beginning, they had gone along without any resistance; the members themselves had often been the one point of ease in the entire situation, at first.
Aiba isn't very busy himself, lately - they aren't doing any concerts this summer, and he's the only member who doesn't have a big individual project taking up his time - okay, so he has three regular variety shows aside from Arashi's regular programs, but Matsujun had his stageplay, Ohno is busy with meetings for the new fishing program and Nino was leaving soon to shoot a movie in Korea - as for Sho, well, he had his wedding coming up in just a few weeks now.
It's nice to spend nights like this, together. They never really go out - Nanami's popularity is just starting to rise and she's under strict orders about relationships. Aiba doesn’t mind staying in much. They curl up together on the couch and watch a movie, and kiss a little. It's quiet and comfortable.
That shouldn't bother Aiba, but it does. Somehow, it seems like all his relationships have that same feeling: easy, comfortable, fun.
It's always the same; the initial, firecracker attraction, slow, explorative kisses and the fragile sense of wonder that all beginnings have. And when that fades, Aiba is left feeling uneasy with the casual flow that replaces it. He isn't stupid enough to think that romantic, puppy-love dizziness can or should stick around forever. He doesn't want that, even though it's fun while it lasts, it always is.
He honestly likes Nanami, likes spending time like this, but he can't help but wonder, somewhat ridiculously, why it never goes deeper than that. There's no implicit, unspoken understandings, there's no fierce sense that he needs this person, that his life would fall apart if they weren't there. Maybe he's being selfish or shallow, maybe he's expecting something that doesn't really exist. Maybe he's done too many interviews for teen girl magazines. Still, Aiba knows that it can happen, that it does happen. It scares him that he has let his mind linger on what a future would be like with Nanami, as he has with any of his previous relationships - and it feels pleasant, in a strangely empty way. He can't help but think "Is it this all?"
It makes him wonder exactly what is wrong with him.
Nanami pushes Aiba away slightly as he hovers above her, hands stilled on her waist. "What is it?" she asks.
"Nothing," Aiba lies. He dips his head and kisses her again, trying to lose himself in the soft sounds that she makes into his mouth.
It could be that just by thinking these things, he unconsciously acts out the same pattern. Aiba is kind of sick of being able to slip in and out of relationships so easily, of break-ups never quite hurting as much as they should.
Part 2
cross-posted to kotobayori
Aiba/Jun | 嵐 RPS | PG-13 | ~12,500 words
Set in the Saudade universe a few months after the events of Saudade, just a little bit further to your town, and In That Certain Time; Jun is seeing with a guy, and Aiba tries to convince Jun (and everyone, and himself) that he's okay with this. Somewhere along the line, he fucks up.
It's been years. Too many years. I started this in 2009, and I wasn't sure if I would ever finish it. I kept coming back to it and revisiting it, changing it as time went on. If I think about it, we're already pretty much in the time I had envisioned the original Saudade story to take place in. However, I didn't really adjust for much - I'm stubbornly clinging to the trappings of my universe! Well, in any case, I'm not sure this is relevant anymore, but it sure felt good to write again. Huge thanks to nicefinalbeam, tangiblewhimsy, and honooko for checking this over! It would never have been finished without you!
Read here on A03
Well, I too can move the prairies
I too can move the sea
I'm gonna take that motion
Take it right inside me
I'm gonna rattle at your windows
Rattle at your doors
Rattle at your shutters
Show you what they're for
No more weathervane, I'm gonna be the wind.
No more spin around, spin around, spin around but always face away
No more weathervane.
I'm gonna be the wind.
Kris Delmhorst - Weathervane
"It's me," Aiba shifts the box in his arms, staring into the pin camera at the top of Jun's security buzzer. Knowing someone else can see you but not being able to see them was a little awkward. "I know I'm a little early -"
"Stop sticking your giant nose into the camera and come on in," Jun's voice crackles over the intercom. The door gives a soft buzz as it comes unlocked, and Aiba opens it, walking towards the elevator.
Aiba doesn't come over too often to Jun's place, and he is rarely invited, but they've all tried to keep a close eye on Jun for the past few months. Checking that Jun is alive and thriving and not trying to hang himself from his curtains has somehow become Aiba's responsibility lately.
It's reasonable, really; they only live about twenty minutes apart by car; and Jun kicks him out less than he does Sho (who has a tendency to fuss), or Nino, who can't really be bothered with pretenses or sympathy, and who rarely manages to drag himself away from his and Leader's island paradise for more than a few days at a time anyways.
Not that Jun is aware of this little agreement; he would probably never let any of them in again if he knew. There's an unspoken understanding among the other four that these visits be conducted in the most casual and inconspicuous manner possible.
(Personally, Aiba thought that the time Sho pretended to be drunk and get his hand stuck in a jar because Jun wasn't answering any texts was one of his best acting moments of all time. Jun probably didn't appreciate having his marathon bubble bath interrupted, but that was probably why Sho got kicked out so often.)
This time, Aiba had brought fresh mangoes that he picked up for Jun during the location shoot he and Nino did for MIS☆CHIEF in Kagoshima two days ago. Jun would love them, and Aiba could argue that it was easier to just "stop by" and bring them to Jun's place rather than giving them to him at work.
The elevator in Jun's building is smooth and quick, humming almost imperceptibly as the city slips away beneath Aiba, the glass shell rising higher and higher. Aiba usually takes the stairs in his own place; he only lives on the sixth floor, and the elevators jolt and sometimes open randomly on the same floor after he already pushed the button to close the doors.
The doors open on the fifteenth floor, and Aiba looks up from where he had been admiring his shoes in the mirrored reflection of the elevator doors. Jun's apartment is one door over from the elevator - at least, he's pretty sure it is. But the guy who just clicked the door shut and is walking towards the open elevator is definitely not Jun.
"Hold the door, please!" The guy waves his hand as he jogs up to the elevator. Aiba ducks his head automatically, a long-held reflex, and shifts the mango box onto one arm, jamming his finger against the hold button.
The man looks nondescript enough; maybe a year or two younger than Aiba (though it's hard to tell, isn't it. Nino still gets carded from time to time when they're overseas) in casual, stylish clothes, a leather jacket casually slung over one arm. He looks familiar somehow, but Aiba can’t place him.
The guy smiles broadly as he walks into the elevator. "Thanks," he says.
"No problem. I'm getting out here," Aiba tugs his cap down over his eyes as he edges past the other man. Which is stupid, really - if this guy just came out of Matsujun's apartment, then he knew Matsujun. There was no point in hiding.
Jun hadn't mentioned that he had company when he had buzzed Aiba up; hopefully he didn't interrupt anything important. He knocks on Jun's door, and it opens almost immediately.
"Hey," Jun looks kind of breathless and cross. His bangs are falling over his forehead and his cheeks are all flushed. "Good timing, you can help me move this couch. This living room is too narrow, really." Jun spends a lot of time complaining about his new apartment, but he absolutely refuses to move.
"Did I scare your friend away?" Aiba asks, toeing off his shoes and handing over the box in his arms to Jun.
"He - no, don't worry," Jun rearranges Aiba's shoes in the entranceway and hands him a pair of slippers, "He was leaving anyway. I almost forgot that you said you were coming over today - hey!" Jun already had the box on the counter and was pulling the lid off, eyes going wide.
Aiba had made sure to find the absolute best, dragging Nino and his manager to three different fruit shops between shooting. Jun had a weakness for few things, but fresh, sweet fruit was one of the surest ways to his heart.
"These look great. Why don't I cut up one now?" Jun weighs a heavy, fragrant fruit in one palm.
"They're for you," Aiba protests, but Jun is already setting out a cutting board and surveying his knife rack with delight. "So, your friend, how do you know -"
"Should I make tea?" Jun asks, cutting across Aiba's question.
"I -" Aiba realizes that he had no clue where his questions were leading to, and it might be a good idea to just shut up. "Please."
It doesn't escape Aiba that Jun is being evasive, but he supposes it really isn't his business anyways. He sits at Jun's counter and watches Jun expertly dice up a couple of the perfectly ripe mangoes while telling Jun about the winter drama he's going to be in next season, and his crazy new neighbor.
Jun doesn't talk very much about himself, and Aiba doesn't push; this has been a tough time for him, with Sho's wedding so soon and the news of Aiko's recent remarriage. It's probably a bit too much to handle.
Still, Jun seems fine. He sips his tea normally and laughs when Aiba burns his tongue. It's a definite improvement from that messy period of time in January and February when the tabloids were pecking like vultures at the remains of Jun's marriage and Jun himself was peevish and short-tempered.
It's nice, being able to just sit together and talk, to not care about the movement of clock hands. Jun must have left a window open, maybe in his bedroom, and the early September air is soaking hot. Aiba is grateful that they're taking a break from summer concerts this year; aside from keeping Sho's sanity in check, they'll all probably save about four pounds worth of sweat.
"- and maybe France then, if the tickets are reasonable," Jun is saying, when Aiba finally realizes how far his consciousness has floated out. "You can rent private villas there, on the beach -
"Really?" Aiba murmurs, and he tries, honestly, he tries to listen and make interested noises at the appropriate times, but he can't help his mind slipping back to the way Jun had skirted around the edges of his questions when he arrived. Aiba's been trying to piece these sorts of things together for awhile now, wondering if it's all just in his head.
And then, suddenly - he realizes what was so familiar about that guy.
Jun's phone buzzes, and he picks it up, his forehead wrinkling faintly in a frown. Aiba watches him over the rim of his tea mug as he takes a sip. Now that he's remembered, it's like a switch has gone off in his head, all of the clues falling into place.
"Eveything okay?" Aiba asks.
"It's fine." Jun sets his phone back down on the counter. He doesn't seem to care to elaborate.
Not his business at all, really. Aiba thanks Jun for the tea and leaves, pretending not to notice the tangled sheets on Jun's bed, not letting himself think about it until he's alone in the elevator again.
Aiba lets out a deep breath and stares at the doors, so distracted that it takes him a minute to remember to press the button for the ground floor.
+
It was around a month ago when Aiba found out from Nishikido Ryo, who had invited him out to lunch after they wrapped up filming for their summer drama.
"Who was that?" Aiba had asked, after a young, cheerful-looking man had briefly stopped by their table to greet Ryo, before leaving the restaurant.
Ryo had looked a little confused and slightly furtive. "Friend of Matsujun - haven't you ever met him?"
"No." They were all pretty close, of course, but Jun, especially, was a fiercely private person. He had his life with Arashi, and he had his life outside of Arashi - and the two rarely mixed. Just like Sho drank and confided primarily in his old school friends, or like Ohno had his fishing buddies. Different, but neither more important than the other - well, that wasn't completely true in Jun's case. Aiba knew one of Jun's old ex-girlfriends, and she had said that she had felt like he never made a secret about what came first for him, and that while it was nice to date a guy who was caring and warm, so driven and independent, it kind of hurt to realize that order of importance never changed.
So in that aspect, it would have almost been weirder if Aiba had known Jun's friends. It was kind of lonely to realize that Ryo knew, but he and Jun were drinking buddies, so it was possible. "A friend - from high school?" he asked.
"Nah," Ryo shook his head. "I've only met him once before, Jun brought him drinking one night, but I think they've been together for about -" He froze mid-sentence as Aiba's eyes widened. "Forget that I said that, okay?"
Aiba had tried to coax the entire story out of him, but Ryo had refused to say anything more. For a while, he thought he had simply misunderstood. It was just too weird to think about, and even stranger that he couldn't have known that about Matsujun when they had known each other for well over two decades. It made sense, maybe, that Jun wouldn't tell anyone, wouldn't really want anyone to know. Jun was a careful and private person.
The whole revelation had continued to bother Aiba for weeks, a mix of shock and curiosity and half-formed new understandings about a person he had thought he already knew back to front. He couldn't really get his mind off it. He thought about maybe asking Jun directly, casually and carefully, just to get the details and reassure Jun that he didn't care, that Arashi wouldn't care.
It didn't occur to him for a while that if it didn't bother him, he wouldn't have thought about it quite so much.
+
By the time that Aiba leaves Jun's apartment, it's already early evening, so he heads directly to dinner; a rare meal alone with the very busy Sakurai Sho.
It's been awhile since the two of them have gone out like this; Sho has been so busy with wedding preparations recently, not to mention work. Aiba would have thought, having witnessed Sho under pressure before (although of a largely more academic sort) that he would be tense and snappish and frantic. Instead, Sho is relaxed and happy, relating an embarrassing story about dining with his soon-to-be-in-laws and outlining their honeymoon plans - Germany, then off to a brief stop in Amsterdam - Kyoko has relatives there, apparently.
Sho picked the restaurant tonight; a teppanyaki joint in Shibuya and it's nice - good food, private, lots of beer.
"How was Jun?" Sho got there ahead of him, and is waiting in a booth with beer for both of them. He probably ordered already, but Aiba doesn't mind; Sho knows exactly what he likes.
"Seems fine," Aiba wipes his hands with a wet towel, gratefully reaching for the cold beer. He's sweating just from walking outdoors from his car to the restaurant. The beer is cold and delicious, and he feels his tension rising like the bubbles popping up through the foam. This is what Aiba likes best; beer, food, and a conversation he can sink into like a warm bath.
The evening seems to stretch on, and Aiba's brain has gone fuzzy with meat and beer, but something is still bothering him.
Sho is in such a good mood that Aiba didn't think it would hurt to casually bring up that he thought there was a possibility that Matsujun might potentially, possibly, you know, be seeing a guy.
"Hey Sho-chan - have you ever heard anything about Matsujun…with men?"
Sho frowns kind of nervously, like Aiba's made a joke that he doesn't quite get. "Why are you asking?"
Aiba relates the tale of the Leather Jacket Dude and their brief encounter outside of Jun's apartment, and Sho listens attentively, though his frown seems to deepen as Aiba goes on.
"I don't know, Masaki," Sho still doesn't look convinced when Aiba finishes laying out his evidence. "Could just be a friend. Don't you think you're reading too much into this?"
"It's just that he avoids the question," Aiba insists. "He didn't tell me who that guy is, or why he was there. And Ryo said he - "
"Why don't you just ask Jun, if it's that important to know?" Sho cuts in.
"Well - no." Aiba pauses while the waitress quietly slips by to check on their drinks. "I don't really know how to ask him," he admits.
"It's not really our business, in any case," Sho says dismissively. He doesn't sound surprised, even though his ears are red.
He knows, Aiba realizes. Sho had somehow known all along and he had never said a thing. Which stung, really, even if Aiba knows it made sense. Sho and Leader were the ones that everyone confided in.
"Whether he is or he isn't, he deserves his privacy," Sho adds, in a tone that says and that's that.
Aiba decides not to bring it up again.
+
Nanami comes over around midnight and Aiba tries to forget for a little while - which is pretty easy, because Nanami is bright and cheerful and fun to be with. She's about ten years younger than Aiba - most of his girlfriends have been, lately. Nino teases him about it mercilessly, but Aiba just tells him he's jealous because he's shacking up with an old fisherman. She's just Aiba's type; bright, cute and always up for anything.
She had just debuted as part of a female idol group with a new, obscure agency and she's always tired these days from the grind of her schedule. Aiba will massage her shoulders on these late nights, which makes her happy. Nanami is just starting up, and Aiba recognizes in her with a startling sense of nostalgia, his own frightening days all those years ago, when everything moved too fast and nothing seemed fixed in place.
Nanami doesn't really like the other two girls in her unit, and she complains about them a lot - Aiba made sure to record and watch their first Music Station performance and they had been all smiles, but he had heard enough stories about backstage sniping and fights that somehow all of it really just looked so fake. He thought that was kind of sad; even if Arashi hadn't always been totally comfortable together in the beginning, they had gone along without any resistance; the members themselves had often been the one point of ease in the entire situation, at first.
Aiba isn't very busy himself, lately - they aren't doing any concerts this summer, and he's the only member who doesn't have a big individual project taking up his time - okay, so he has three regular variety shows aside from Arashi's regular programs, but Matsujun had his stageplay, Ohno is busy with meetings for the new fishing program and Nino was leaving soon to shoot a movie in Korea - as for Sho, well, he had his wedding coming up in just a few weeks now.
It's nice to spend nights like this, together. They never really go out - Nanami's popularity is just starting to rise and she's under strict orders about relationships. Aiba doesn’t mind staying in much. They curl up together on the couch and watch a movie, and kiss a little. It's quiet and comfortable.
That shouldn't bother Aiba, but it does. Somehow, it seems like all his relationships have that same feeling: easy, comfortable, fun.
It's always the same; the initial, firecracker attraction, slow, explorative kisses and the fragile sense of wonder that all beginnings have. And when that fades, Aiba is left feeling uneasy with the casual flow that replaces it. He isn't stupid enough to think that romantic, puppy-love dizziness can or should stick around forever. He doesn't want that, even though it's fun while it lasts, it always is.
He honestly likes Nanami, likes spending time like this, but he can't help but wonder, somewhat ridiculously, why it never goes deeper than that. There's no implicit, unspoken understandings, there's no fierce sense that he needs this person, that his life would fall apart if they weren't there. Maybe he's being selfish or shallow, maybe he's expecting something that doesn't really exist. Maybe he's done too many interviews for teen girl magazines. Still, Aiba knows that it can happen, that it does happen. It scares him that he has let his mind linger on what a future would be like with Nanami, as he has with any of his previous relationships - and it feels pleasant, in a strangely empty way. He can't help but think "Is it this all?"
It makes him wonder exactly what is wrong with him.
Nanami pushes Aiba away slightly as he hovers above her, hands stilled on her waist. "What is it?" she asks.
"Nothing," Aiba lies. He dips his head and kisses her again, trying to lose himself in the soft sounds that she makes into his mouth.
It could be that just by thinking these things, he unconsciously acts out the same pattern. Aiba is kind of sick of being able to slip in and out of relationships so easily, of break-ups never quite hurting as much as they should.
Part 2
cross-posted to kotobayori