Saudade [1/2]
Reveals are up at je_ficgames - make sure to go check them out if you've missed any of the fic during the challenge, there's some great stuff there.
I had the honor of being the Arashi writer for Team Future. My prompt was Tokio's Southend and my contribution was Saudade.
This is the fic that I've wanted to write ever since I got into Arashi fandom about a year and a half ago, and especially since I read cimness's Just One of the Boys last winter. I started it last April immediately after I received my prompt, and after neglecting it for most of the summer, I deleted about 5,000 words of material that didn't work and then came up with another 9,000 words in less than 3 weeks in October. It's the longest one-shot that I've ever written, though it's rather puny compared to some writers I know - but for me, it was still quite a project.
I have pages of notes of my formulative thoughts on writing this and I could go on forever, but I won't be boring - my main aims were an authentic atmosphere, and a relaxed but sharp emotional feeling. My boss brought me back a CD of fado music from Portugal in June and I was really intrigued by a song about the idea of saudade - I thought it fit the mood I was trying to capture really well. Finally, I wanted to write the entire thing from Ohno's POV and that nearly broke me, but I think that it helped in the end. The fic was originally meant to be Ohno/Jun, but as per usual, Ohmiya kind of took over.
I have a lot of people to thank for letting me cry on their shoulders and pick their brains during these past few months - nominally, omnipresentdmat and crazychickencow, who have both been huge supports right from the very beginning - and who coaxed me into joining this challenge in the first place. Also, I really, really owe honooko, cupcake4mafia, lady_gemma, rhythmia & still_ciircee for being the absolute greatest beta team in the world! ♥
Also, thanks to everyone who read & commented/voted for this fic during the challenge! I really enjoyed reading your thoughtful comments all December and I will do my best to respond to them there as soon as I can. ♥
Title: Saudade [1/2]
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~13,000 words
Pairing Ohno/Nino
Summary: Set six years into the future: Ohno hears about it first from Nino…
"The famous saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness." - A.F.G Bell
Ohno hears about it first from Nino. This should be strange, considering that Nino is currently in Australia and thus logically the last one who should be aware of what's happening back in Japan.
It's easy to tell with Nino when someone else is footing the bill - and Ohno is sure that someone in management is going to be in tears when they get this one - because he's called every day, sometimes twice a day. Ohno isn't sure anymore if he's doing it because he misses them or if he wants to be sure that they know he misses them. Nino's been strangely sensitive to that in the past few years, when intensified solo projects started to turn into a little less group time.
Aiba actually confided to Ohno last summer that he had asked to have Nino offered the co-host position on MIS✫CHIEF, partly because he knew that Nino would like it and partly because it meant that they would be able to see each other more.
Although maybe Ohno is just over-thinking things. Nino does get homesick easily, always has.
Either way, Ohno appreciates it, because he never gets around to calling everyone and before he knows it, weeks drift by before it enters his mind to wonder what Aiba-chan or Sho are doing or how they are. It's nice to hear Nino's voice now too, to hear about what he's been up to, about how he can't find proper ramen down under or how hot it is, or the latest story about Aiba's failures at trying to pick up girls with local slang.
He misses Nino more than ever, in those moments when he hears his voice but can't see his face, and so he imagines it quietly in his mind while Nino rambles on - the quirk of his lips as he relates a joke, the ways his eyes flick to the side when he's trying to remember something.
Right now, he imagines Nino's serious expression, his hunched posture.
"Jun's getting a divorce." Nino's voice is even and calm and relates everything that he isn't saying out loud: worry, curiousity, frustration - the heartbreaking sense that this can't happen to Jun, because he loves so seriously and carefully and deeply that he doesn't recover easily.
"What?" Ohno switches his phone to his other ear, leaning against his kitchen counter. Rain is pounding furiously against the glass doors in his living room and the cross-continent static isn't helping either. "You just said divorce, right? Him and Aiko? He hasn't said anything."
It's a bit of a shock, he hasn't seen them both together for months, not since last April at least, but they had seemed happy. They had been smiling - although it occurred to Ohno that he should know all too well how easy it was to smile despite anything when you needed to hide something.
"No, well." There's some static on the line and Ohno pictures Nino shifting in his chair, and he presses his lips together. It's harder to talk like this with the distance between them, not being able to read each other silently - not being able to squeeze Nino's hand and have that reassurance. "He wouldn't, would he? You know how he is. Not until things were for sure. But it sounds like they are now - you know, final."
"Final?" Ohno feels a bit dazed. He hasn't talked to Jun in at least three weeks, although he's been watching the news clips promoting his new movie attentively. He feels a bit guilty, even though Jun knows him too well to expect him to be in constant contact. They call each other when they need to and they're both content to enjoy their individual lives the rest of the time. They all had a group interview scheduled for the day after Nino and Aiba's arrival back in Japan next week and he figured they could catch up then.
"He's moved back into the city - got an apartment, I think. Closer to work."
"Do the others know? Aiba-chan and - " Jun must have been aware that telling Nino meant effectively calling down the entire group's worry and concern and support. That more than anything showed that it was definite.
"Mm, well, Sho found out before I did - I think he ran into Aiko-san when he was shopping some day and the story came out. It sounds like he tracked down Jun's new apartment and fussed over him until Jun kicked his ass out." Nino's voice cracks with laughter over the line and Ohno has to smile. "I haven't told Aiba yet, though. Jun seems to be getting all the attention he can handle already and Aiba-chan can't do much but worry himself into a fit before we're on a plane back home."
"It sounds like he's doing okay." Ohno knows that he's saying this more to reassure himself and Nino more than because it's true - because Jun is Jun and he's definitely not okay, even if he doesn't show it. "I should call him."
Ohno tries to imagine how that would go. Would Jun get impatient and angry if he tried to talk to him directly? Or would Ohno lose his nerve and end up talking in circles, hanging up with absolutely nothing resolved or talked about?
"I told him that he should visit you." Ohno can't tell if Nino is joking or not. "It's nice and quiet out there."
"It would drive him crazy." Ohno's house is a ramshackle but cozy little cottage beside the ocean in Toshima-mura, the beach cold and grey in the dawning winter months now. It's a small, sleepy little island village and unremarkable. Still, there's good fishing, regular ferries back to the mainland when he has an engagement in Tokyo, and Ohno can wile away his days on his art in peace, without distraction or care - aside for remembering to fetch groceries every now and then. "What did he say?"
"He said he'd think about it. That he hasn't seen you in awhile." There’s a yawn and Ohno remembers how late it is - even later for Nino. "Somehow I doubt you can expect to see him anytime soon."
"Hm. And when can I expect you for a visit?" Ohno closes his eyes. It's been a year - no, a little over a year now, just after he had wrapped up filming and promotions on that French film - since Nino bounded through Ohno's front door, thin and exhausted and talking like a motor, rattling off everything that came to mind like he had been starved of Japanese syllables for ages. They had built wet, tall brown sandcastles on the beach and napped on Ohno's back porch while the scorching sun heated the wooden boards beneath their backs.
"Soon, maybe. It's been pretty busy." It kind of hurts to realize that busy these days isn't like it used to be, when being busy meant that they all saw each other day in and day out, until they were almost sick of each other. It's been such a gradual drift that Ohno has barely realized it - he doesn't totally mind, actually. He loves the other members, loves Arashi, but he doesn't entirely miss the pressurized spin-cycle of never-ending tours, interviews, variety shows and screaming fans. Things aren't so bad now. They still see each other and more importantly, they're still Arashi.
"Soon, then." Ohno doesn't know whether he should let himself hope or not, but he really shouldn't worry. Nino is Nino and he'll show up when he's ready.
"Look after him, all right?" Nino lets some concern break through his voice. "Oh-chan?"
Ohno nods instinctively, momentarily forgetting that he's on the phone. "I will. You take care of yourself too - get some sleep. Say hi to Aiba-chan, too."
"Sure." Nino laughs again, but it sounds a bit forced this time. "See you next week."
"Yeah." Ohno tightens his grip on the phone. He always feels a bit strange after hanging up, like whatever fragile connection they had for a moment was snapped suddenly. "Yeah, see you then. Goodbye?" He's not quite sure why he frames it as a question.
"I'll call you again soon," Nino promises, and then adds, "He seems like himself, but there's something a little wrong there. Really, it isn't good to leave him alone."
"I'll take care of it," Ohno reassures him before hanging up.
Ohno holds the phone in his hands for a long time afterwards, not quite looking at it, but sort of staring beyond it while he thinks things over.
The rain is loud and soothing as it rumbles against the windows, the kitchen bathed in a grey half-darkness from the gloomy weather. Ohno can feel the edge of the counter pressing into his back, and he thinks But what if I don't know what to do? with a funny sort of uncertainty that he hadn't felt since he was 18 years old and had just accidentally elected himself Arashi's leader.
He has never really lived up to that name in his mind, had never really seen himself as the force that pulled their group together. Even now, when things are slowly changing, when Arashi is changing into something they're not quite sure of, it's Nino who keeps them all caught up on who is doing what, it's Sho who remembers birthdays and sends encouraging text messages and flowers to movie premieres and clips out press releases. It's Jun who insists that they get together to celebrate their anniversary together, no matter what anyone has scheduled and it is Aiba who brings a sense of warmth and presence, constantly reminding them every time they're together of what they are to each other.
They are still Arashi, Ohno reminds himself, because they still have each other - even if in different ways, even if they can't always be together.
He might call Jun in a few days, he resolves, padding down the dark hallway towards his workshop, thunder rumbling overhead. It had been awhile since they had seen each other and Jun rarely refused Ohno anything. Ohno doesn't know what he can do, doesn't know what Jun needs - but it will probably easier to figure that out if Jun is here.
*
As it turns out, he doesn't have to worry about taking the first step. Jun arrives on the first ferry from the mainland three days later. He doesn't call ahead, but he does send a brief e-mail to Ohno's phone:
---
Filming wrapping up today.
Okay to visit for awhile?
---
"Hi, Captain." Jun looks a bit tired and his hair is longer than it was when Ohno saw him last. He doesn’t seem to feel like explaining himself, but instead waits patiently while Ohno adjusts his eyes to the early morning gloom and wakes up enough to help Jun drag his suitcases into the entranceway.
"It’s early," Ohno says and he really doesn’t know what to do or where to look. Jun seems to be watching him carefully from his perch on one of Ohno’s kitchen stools, his expression neutral. One of Ohno’s foster kittens, the black one who limps with his back left leg, winds himself around Jun’s ankle and mews pitifully until Jun picks him up into his lap, stroking his tiny head carefully with a finger until Nori purrs and settles down. "Do you want breakfast?"
Jun ends up cooking them both omurice while Ohno feeds the kittens. He has three, whom he found abandoned in a box by a pier in town, shivering and half-starved. They’re getting bigger now and Ohno likes having them around. They’re good company, even if Picasso does like to chew on his paintbrushes.
After the kittens are fed, Ohno sits at the counter and watches Jun cook, enjoying the elegant, precise movements of his hands and his stern concentration. "You've wrapped up filming, then?" he asks, as Jun neatly flips the omelette around the mound of rice, folding it together.
"Just a break. Early for New Year's." Jun sets a steaming plate in front of Ohno and sits down on the other counter stool with his own plate, not even bothering to untie his apron before digging in. "Filming in the mountains in winter sucks. I don't think I've been actually warm for about two months now."
Ohno mutters his thanks and takes a bite of his omelette. It's hot and fluffy, perfectly golden-brown delicious, and Ohno tells him so around mouthfuls. Jun smiles tightly as he pushes his own food around his plate, dragging his fork through the ketchup to make swirly patterns.
They eat in silence, aside from Shizuka rubbing her head against Ohno's ankle and mewing pitifully. Ohno scratches her behind the ears absently, watching Jun from underneath his eyelashes. Jun notices.
"I'm not going to break," he informs Ohno and eats a forkful of his breakfast, as if to prove it. "It's okay, we can talk about it, all right? We're adults, after all."
"How are you doing?" Ohno wraps his hands around his mug, letting the warmth seep into his chilled fingers. He watches Jun carefully. He wasn't just putting up a front - good actor that he was, Jun was a little too obvious about some things to truly hide his feelings from someone who knew him well. But at the same time, there was something clearly wrong. He looked - distracted, Ohno decided.
"Not bad." Jun takes another sip of coffee. "Filming is going slowly, but that's mostly because the director is insane. I should have known better than to work with him again, but the script looked really interesting and - "
"I meant," Ohno interrupts gently, "About the divorce. You and Aiko."
"Don't be so dramatic." Jun rolls his eyes and Ohno resists the urge to roll his right back at him - and stick his tongue out for good measure. "Everything's okay. Things just didn't work out, that's all. We've agreed to a private settlement and we'll take care of all the legal arrangements - and the potential media circus - in the new year."
"But you two seemed so - " Ohno searches for the right word, but it's just not coming. "I mean. I never thought..."
Jun's face seems to soften a bit and he puts down his mug, keeping his hands laced around it, tapping one side with his fingernail. "I know," he says, sounding a little more genuine this time. "Three years, you know? I did love her. And we were - together for awhile, we were fine. But things just fell apart. Work got in the way. We both wanted things from each other that I couldn't - " he breaks off his sentence, pausing for a sip of coffee.
"I guess - I guess that happens in life sometimes." He looks up at Ohno again like he's asking a question, like Ohno might know the answer.
Ohno takes a deep breath. "Maybe," he suggests gently, "Maybe you could still try - "
"No." Jun cuts him off. "Leader, it's not like that. It's just not there anymore. And what's more, this is what I want. Aiko as well. We decided this together."
"Okay." Ohno uncurls his hands from his mug, laces his fingers together in his lap. He's playing this conversation by ear and it's starting to feel like he's running into dead ends. "Okay."
Jun looks at him for a minute and it almost seems like he's thinking whether or not to say something. "Let's not talk about it anymore," he says finally, holding up a hand when Ohno opens his mouth to protest. "No, I know, we will talk about it, but not now. I haven't seen you in weeks. What have you been up to?"
Ohno tells him about the kittens and the fishing he did over the summer and about his latest sculpture. Jun listens avidly, making the appropriate remarks in all the right places and laughing at the funny parts.
It was good to have him around, Ohno decides, even if he was a bit distant and evasive and not quite all right. Even if Ohno wasn't quite sure how to handle him until things became a little more normal, Jun came to him and that means that Ohno can try. It's a start.
*
Ohno is sure everyone thought he was joking when he announced that he had bought a house. It had been a bit of a surprise, even to him. He hadn't really meant to. One minute he and Sho were filming a segment on fishing on a tiny, quiet island that Ohno had never even heard of and the next minute, he was checking out a ramshackle little cottage on his break. It had a nice view of the ocean and the fields behind the house were carpeted in bright camellias.
It was a small cottage, but well-insulated against the strong, piercingly cold ocean winds. It was pretty traditional in design, but its previous owners had been a retired American couple who had made some renovations to it, so the kitchen and bathroom was sleek and modern, and there was a back porch out of the main room, with sliding glass doors. It was unassuming and plain, lonely on the small stretch of coast on the eastern tip of the island. Ohno had liked it instantly.
His mom had laughed at his spontaneity and told him that she would find him some cardboard boxes to pack up his things. Ohno hadn't even thought commuting, about electricity bills, mortgage payments, about who would watch the property when he had to stay on the mainland. It only felt a little scary after the fact, testing the smooth feel of the deed papers between his fingers on the ferry ride back from Toshimajima. He could afford it and he was a bit surprised by how much he wanted it.
Aiba had insisted that he needed a housewarming party, and since they were short on time that season, between Sho and Jun's dramas and their own new variety show, they had combined it with helping him move in - which is to say, they all got hopelessly drunk and somehow Jun had ended up waking up on the back porch in a cardboard box which had been labeled "PETTO FOR SALE" in Aiba's scrawling writing.
It had felt even weirder after everyone had left, when Ohno had the place all to himself for the first time. He walked slowly around, checking out the different rooms, winding his way around the piles of cardboard boxes and packing debris. He didn't have that much stuff.
He told himself it wasn't a big deal and resolved to go furniture shopping after his CM filmings the following week. Ohno didn't mind sitting on the floor that much, but it might make the house seem less empty.
It wasn't such a big deal. He was 31, after all - Jun was engaged and Aiba had already moved in with his girlfriend the previous year (although no one knew how long that was going to last) - and besides, it was nice to have someplace to go to that was - well, away from it all, in more than one sense.
The fishing was amazing, too. That was always important.
Ohno quickly made friends with a couple of old fisherman, getting to know the sweetest spots on the island and what he could expect to catch. Their wives - a veritable club of tiny, wrinkled old grandmas - took to Ohno instantly and badgered him to come visit them, to come over for dinner or help them with some repairs. It felt a bit like Mago Mago all over again. Sho and Nino had nearly laughed themselves sick at the amount of plastic containers stuffed in Ohno's refrigerator when they visited him to help him finish unpacking and assemble his new furniture at the end of his second week in his new house.
Two summers later, in the post-concert lull when the weather was just beginning to cool down, Ohno had painted the exterior walls of the cottage a cheerful, bright sea blue.
A week later, he had arrived back from a meeting for his new stageplay to find his front door painted a bright, sunshine yellow and Nino sprawled out on his couch, napping.
Ohno remembers, looking back, the smell of wet paint, the soft silence of the house and the peaceful expression of Nino's sleeping face, and feeling, for the first time since he had packed up his life and tried so hard to grow up, that he was home again.
*
"How is he?"
Ohno is curled up on the window sill of his workroom, lazy in the late afternoon sun rays. Picasso is dozing in his lap, Ohno's fingers scrunching softly through his fur.
"Okay, I guess." Jun had left for a run on the beach shortly before Nino had called. Ohno can smell something delicious simmering from the kitchen. He hopes that it's dinner. "He slept for like, fifteen hours the first day. And he's smoking more than usual."
"Well, as long as he's not crying into his pillow or anything."
"I don't think he likes mine very much." Ohno had tried not to stare blankly when Jun had asked him about the thread-count of his sheets, but honestly, he didn't know.
"I told Aiba." Nino sounds almost apologetic and Ohno isn't sure whether that feeling is more directed at Aiba or Jun. "He was pretty upset about it last night, but I took him out drinking and now he's calmed down a bit. He's scouring every shop in a ten-mile radius for the perfect present to bring home to Jun."
Ohno scratches behind Picasso's ears. "How is filming going?"
"Pretty good." Ohno didn't really get why MIS✫CHIEF would be doing their Christmas Special in Australia. Aiba had said something about Christmas Island, but he had been too excited - and drunk - to explain it properly and Ohno had been too tired to catch it all. "But I will kill Aiba if he makes me wear that elf costume again."
Ohno snorts. "I can't wait to see that air."
"Not if I have my way." Nino pauses. "Aiba and I both have some free time after we brief back at the studio on the mainland, and after we all have that interview. We could come over for New Year's, if you don't have any other plans. We could all laze around and get fat off of Jun-kun's pasta."
"Yeah, sure." Picasso stirs in Ohno's lap, mewing sleepily and twisting to nuzzle his cheek against Ohno's stilled hand. "Jun hasn't said anything about leaving, I thought we'd both just stay on the island." Something sparks in the back of Ohno's mind. "Wasn't Aiba co-hosting some variety countdown show, though?"
"He cancelled it." Nino sounds entirely matter-of-fact about this. "Our manager is having an absolute fit, but Aiba knows how to talk him around. He already called Sho, too and guilted him into coming along instead of going to his fiancée's parents - it didn't take much. He has to stick around for an extra day or so for Zero, but then he's coming, too."
"Oh." Ohno can't help but smile. It was pure Aiba, through and through. The only question now was whether Jun could stomach an week of Nino's affectionate sniping, Sho's smothering concern and Aiba's ill-conceived efforts to make his life happier. "That sounds good. I'll air out the guest futons," he adds importantly. "It's been awhile."
"Just don't let them fall into the ocean this time," Nino comments dryly. "Or I'm camping out in your bed."
"Huh." Ohno scratches the paint on the edge of the windowsill with a fingernail. Part of him wants to say that's fine, anyways, but it sounds stupid even in his head.
There's a silence between them for a minute and Ohno lets it pass, his mind drifting, listening to Nino's steady breathing crackle over the line.
"Aiba will be coming by to fetch me to dinner any minute now." Nino finally breaks the silence, shaking Ohno out of his reverie. "We're shooting some scenes on an island tomorrow and the next day, so I may not have time to call."
"I'll see you after the weekend, anyways." Ohno hears the click of the lock on the porch door; Jun must be home from his jog. "You don't have to keep calling." It comes out sounding somewhat more accusatory than he had intended. Ohno holds his breath for a second, wondering if he should clarify or take it back.
"No." Nino's voice is relaxed, almost toneless when his reply finally floats across the line. Ohno wishes again that he could see Nino's expression - even if it would probably pretty damn inscrutable right now. "No, I guess I don't. I'll see you next week."
"Nino -" Ohno begins, not knowing exactly what to say. He never knew how to talk about this. Maybe that was part of the problem.
"I'll see you, Oh-chan." Nino doesn't sound angry at all, but he hangs up before Ohno can reply.
Ohno makes a frustrated noise, clicking his own phone shut. Picasso squirms in his lap, butting his nose under Ohno's fingers, wanting to be petted. Ohno combs his fingers through the cat's silky fur, listening to his purrs and thinking.
It's weird, Ohno finally decides, because Nino rarely ever calls him when they're both in the city, or when Ohno's staying at his house and Nino is on the mainland. They're all like that - granted, they've called each other a bit more in recent years, as solo projects and girlfriends precipated a general decline in the amount of time breathing the same air, just to keep in touch - it wasn't necessary before, not when they saw each other almost every day, for hours on end.
If Ohno thinks back, Nino was like this when he went to California, too, years back - not with the same frequency, but with an unspoken sort of urgency, like he needed a connection back to something. But he couldn't possibly be lonely in Australia, not surrounded by Aiba and a couple dozen familiar staff members.
Ohno doesn't really know what to make of it.
"Still in here?" Jun pokes his head around the doorframe, toweling his hair. "You should go outside for a bit, Leader. Get some fresh air."
"I know," Ohno says, but he doesn't move. He strokes behind Picasso's ears softly, slowly.
Jun gives him a pointed look, seeing the phone in Ohno's hand. "How's the Down Under pair?"
"They're fine." Ohno realizes that he's frowning and he tries to clear his face. "Aiba-chan is shopping for a present for you."
"Oh God." Jun runs a hand back through his still-damp hair, looking both wary and pleased. "Let's hope it isn't alive. Well, if you're still going to work, I'll call you when dinner's ready. Should be a little under an hour now."
"All right." Ohno waits until Jun leaves and closes the door. He looks across the room to his abandoned project, pencil still balanced on top of his preliminary sketches, waiting for him.
Things had fallen into a comfortable routine somewhere around the fourth day of Jun's impromptu stay at Ohno's place. Jun's hair products have staked out a shelf of their own in Ohno's (suspiciously now much tidier) bathroom and Jun has taken command of Ohno's kitchen. It gave him something to do while Ohno was cooped up with his art in his studio that doesn't involve watching variety shows until his brains leaked out of his ears or going for runs on the beach three times a day in the freezing December air like a madman.
They've known each other for over fifteen years now and Ohno has enjoyed watching Jun grow up. It's sometimes hard to believe that the shy, awkward and tiny boy he had shaken hands with in Hawaii slowly changed into the tall, confident, handsome and loving man he is today. Ohno isn't sure when it occurred to him, watching Jun years ago, that Jun had grown into a fine young man, but it was true. Jun was smart and strong and loved with a strength and loyalty and sweetness that was almost incomprehensible. He had his faults, yeah, his bad habits - it was no secret that Jun put his work first, over everything else. In retrospect, it didn't seem quite so strange that his marriage had fallen victim to that.
It hadn't really come as a shock to anyone when Jun was the first to get married - he and Aiko had been seeing each other for over a year already then, and Jun had always talked about how he wanted to get married young, wanted to have children by the time he was 30.
Despite what he had said when he had first arrived, Jun still didn't seem to want to talk about it and Ohno didn't really know how to bring it up. Jun seemed fine, a little more distracted and brooding than since Ohno had seen him last, but he talked normally about filming and his co-stars. He wasn't really the type to spill his heart out or mope in circles, after all.
Picasso mews suddenly, springing off Ohno's lap and skittering towards the open doorway. Faced with the sudden loss of his lapwarmer and excuse for total lack of movement, Ohno groaned and hauled himself upright.
His latest work hadn't really started to come together at all. Ohno isn't sure whether to just forget about it and start all over again. It feels like the idea was clear in his mind when he started and he's lost track of it, somehow. He settles onto a stool and sorts through the sketches piled on the creaky wooden table that serves as a worktable. The whole concept has gotten a little complicated; it wouldn't be such a bad idea to par it down a little. It was going to be an engagement present for Sho and his fianceé, but the pace Ohno was crawling along at meant that it would have to be a wedding present. He wants to get the details absolutely right, though; metal clay is fairly expensive and he can't afford to make many mistakes.
Ohno taps his drawing pencil against the desktop, staring at his sketches thoughtfully. It was actually Jun who had indirectly gotten Ohno interested in designing jewelry, back when he had asked Ohno to design his and Aiko's wedding rings. Ohno still remembers the stifling heat of that summer, squished up in a chair in break rooms between concert rehearsals or tapings, mind empty and clear as he traced endless circles in his sketchbook until he finally made up his mind: Aiko's was slim and delicate, a pearl encased in a half-heart made from rose-quartz, set in silver. Jun's was a thick band of silver, an engraved lightning bolt wrapping around the band striking against a small amethyst set within the top.
Ohno hadn't actually made them; Jun had given his sketches to a professional jeweler to be crafted, but it had sparked his interest a little and between sculptures and paintings these days, he occasionally turned out a pendent or necklace, designing the pieces and then trying out different materials and techniques. It had caused a bit of a media sensation last fall when, during his new drama, Nino had worn a small amber pendent that Ohno had made him for his birthday. Ohno likes the attention to detail, the new techniques to try and he likes how useful it is. He had made a stunning moonstone and silver-clay bracelet for his last girlfriend and she had absolutely loved it.
They had broken up a couple of months later, but it had been amicable. Yuzuki hadn't really liked fishing and Ohno had been a bit alarmed by how much she wanted to talk about marriage. He hadn't really seen anyone else since - spending most of his free time away from the city meant there were considerably fewer chances to meet available, pretty girls. He was pretty happy by himself, anyways.
Still, he wonders, sometimes, if he would have broken up with her if he hadn't followed Nino home after Jun's wedding.
He's told himself for years now that had absolutely nothing to do with it, but that still shifts around in the back of his mind. Ohno's not used to not being totally honest with himself.
"Leader?" Jun's voice echoes down the hallway from the kitchen, interrupting his thoughts. "Dinner's going to be in just a few minutes, but could you feed your damn cats? Piki-chan is biting my ankles."
Ohno drops his pencil - he hasn't even left a mark on the page in the past half-hour - and shoves his stool away from the worktable. "Coming," he calls back.
The whole situation feels so ridiculously domestic that Ohno has to laugh to himself as he heads towards the kitchen. Ohno's had girlfriends stay over before, but there's been nothing quite as surreal as waking up to find Matsumoto Jun cooking eggs in his kitchen is a bright yellow apron, face firmly etched with a morning scowl.
Jun has commandeered Ohno's best soup pot and is stirring with an expression of extreme concentration, but he lets Ohno peek over his shoulder to sniff happily at the cream stew and even gives him a taste from his wooden spoon.
"Smf'good," Ohno tells him around a mouthful, around a hot piece of potato, chewing absently as he goes to search through the cupboards for the cat food.
Like Jun said, Picasso seems to know that Ohno rustling through the cupboards means Meal Time and he impedes Ohno's search by wrapping himself around Ohno's ankles, flopping across his feet and mewing loudly. Nori and Shizuka soon join the fray and Ohno barely manages to tip the food into three bowls before there are three tiny, fuzzy heads and wet noses butting against his hands.
"That too." Jun points the wooden spoon at an opened tin of tuna on the counter. "I've already drained it."
"Yes, dear," Ohno mutters, stretching out from his crouch on his floor, his knees creaking a little in protest. He scrapes the flaked fish onto a small plate. "You're coming back here after we go in for that appearance next week, right?"
Jun covers the stewpot with a lid, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms. "Aren't you going to stay with your family over the holidays?" He smiles at Ohno, teasingly. "Ohno-family style hotpot and all?"
Ohno shrugs. "I kind of wanted to stay here this year." It's not totally a lie. Ohno loves New Year's, and he loves spending the New Year at home, eating his mom's cooking and lying around on the couch with his dad, watching television lazily.
But right now, he's thinking about the five of them, all of Arashi, crammed into his cottage, laughing and drinking and lazing their way into the next year together. It sounds nice - and more importantly, it sounds like just what Jun needs right now, whether he'll admit to it or not.
Jun gives him a long, calculating look. "All right," he says finally, as Ohno sets the tuna down for the hungry kittens. "I'll pick up some clothes and stuff from my apartment when we go into the city. We can get groceries, too - what did you want to eat for New Year's?"
"Hotpot," Ohno says instantly, and Jun laughs at him.
"Just the two of us? That's so pathetic." But Jun is smiling and Ohno can already see the idea taking shape in his head. It feels good to see Jun look this excited about something.
Ohno is about to tell him about Nino's plan, but then he thinks it really might be better as a surprise (Jun will have less of a chance to protest when faced with group pressure) and so he doesn't say anything at all. Ohno will let the others surprise Jun when the time comes.
*
It was just a little over three years ago when it first started, Ohno figures - well, okay, that's not exactly right. If Ohno is totally honest, the whole business started years and years ago, too many to even think about. There was always something a little weird between him and Nino, a sort of double-layered twist of meaning that gave Ohno a headache sometimes. They were totally comfortable with each other, physically. They fooled around with it a bit, onstage, on-camera to get the fangirls excited, and even backstage (mostly to fuck with Sho's mental health), but there was always that prickling wonder in the back of Ohno's mind about exactly how much of it was a joke, or if that was really all there was to it.
For a long time, Ohno didn't even bother to think about it too much, but just accepted things as they were. Nino was Nino and Ohno was himself and everyone was happy as they were. They both had girlfriends, after all, on and off. It was only in the past couple of years, as their group activities slowly declined that it started to bother Ohno a little more than usual.
Things really kind of exploded about three years before - it was right after Jun and Aiko's wedding reception. Aiba had somehow coerced Sho into "decorating" Jun's car and Jun had unceremoniously dragged Aiba off by the ear once he had discovered him stringing up beer cans to Jun's bumper. Aiko was surrounded by a gaggle of relatives and friends and well-wishers.
Nino had cornered him in an alcove off the main hall when Ohno had been getting ready to leave.
Ohno still remembers Nino's slight frame pressed against his back, his breath hot against his ear, fingers tight on his shoulder, voice low - "Oh-chan, come back to my place." Ohno remembers leaning back against Nino's chest, letting Nino's fingers massage against his shoulders. Nino was pretty drunk, they both were.
"Why?" Ohno had asked, a little thickly. He caught up one of Nino's hands in his, swinging it back and forth.
Nino pressed an affectionate kiss against the side of his neck, wet and sloppy. "No idea," he answered cheerfully.
When he stopped to think about it, Nino had been watching Ohno throughout the entire ceremony - Ohno had caught him at it: Nino hadn't even bothered to look away, staring intently like he was trying to make up his mind about something. There was a certain heat to his gaze that had made Ohno feel uneasy.
He felt uneasy now, as comfortable and familiar as it was to be in the circle of Nino's arms. Jun's wedding was small, just close family and friends, but Ohno knew that they were attracting some pretty weird glances anyways.
"Oh-chan should come back to my place," Nino said, a playful whining note in his voice. Nino didn't usually drink this much, didn't usually act so needy. It didn't fit. "Or I'll be lonely."
Sho walked into the alcove, tugging on his coat. He took one look at Nino wrapped around Ohno's back and sighed. "Keys," he demanded of Nino, holding out his hand. "I'll drive you home, too, Satoshi."
"I'm going back to Nino's place," Ohno said, surprising even himself. Nino made a pleased noise against the back of Ohno's neck.
Sho looked at him, expression neutral. "Fine."
Ohno doesn't remember much about the car ride to Nino's place, except that everything seemed funny. Nino kept cracking nonsensical, ridiculous jokes until Ohno could barely breathe from laughing. He remembers Nino's hand covering his, thumb running over Ohno's knuckles.
Sho had barely parked the car on the street in front of Nino's building before Nino was tugging Ohno out of the backseat, towards the front doors, like he was suddenly impatient.
They kept laughing right up to Nino's apartment, which got them some concerned looks in the elevator. Crossing the threshold into Nino's apartment felt like a bit of a mood-killer, though. Nino paused, standing in the center of his living room, looking a little bit lost.
Ohno licked his lips, shifting his weight from foot to foot as Nino stayed silent. He wondered if he should say something about Nino's new sofa. He hadn't been to Nino's place in at least two years, hadn't really had any reason to.
Nino finally flopped down on said couch, shoving aside a pile of old video cassette tapes and papers absently. "Come sit with me, Oh-chan."
Ohno did. He fit himself into the curve of Nino's side and they sat together quietly for long minutes. They were still, Ohno noted, wearing their best suits and it must have made for a pretty absurd picture, both of them leaning into each other on Nino's small brown couch.
"What are you thinking about?" Nino asked finally, tracing circles and stars on Ohno's leg. He nuzzled his head against Ohno's shoulder, his hair soft and ticklish against Ohno's cheek.
"Nothing," Ohno replied, not knowing what to say, because he's still not quite sure why he's here. "I like your couch," he added.
Nino sighed, leaning more heavily against him until Ohno lifted the arm trapped between them to wrap it around Nino's shoulders. "Our little Jun-pon is all married an' gone," he informed Ohno.
"Mmm." Ohno rubbed at Nino's shoulder. "Yes, he is." It was hard to tell if Nino was being jealous or nostalgic, or both. He knew that Nino's girlfriend had just broken up with him less than a month ago and he knew that Nino hadn't taken it well.
"Leader will be next," Nino continued melodramatically. "You're going to get married, too."
Ohno pulled Nino closer, stroking his other hand through Nino's hair comfortingly. "I don't think so."
"I don't want you to get married," Nino muttered. He squinted up fiercely at Ohno, who had to resist the urge to laugh. "Promise me."
"I promise," Ohno said solemnly. "We can be cranky old bachelors together."
There must have been a bit of a gap in time, because when Ohno thinks back, one moment Nino was watching him with a careful, thoughtful expression and the next, Nino had surged up, one hand cupping the back of Ohno's head and kissing him.
It was unexpectedly soft and sweet, given Nino's urgency. Ohno let his initial surprise melt away a little, his eyes falling shut. Their mouths moved against each other tentatively, Nino's lips chapped and hot against Ohno's. Nino's breath smelled like alcohol but his mouth was hot and eager against Ohno's own and he couldn't really bring himself to care. Nino's hand combed through the short strands of soft hair at the base of Ohno's neck, sending pleasant little shivers down Ohno's spine.
It was Nino who pulled back first, breathing fast. He looked at Ohno like he was seeing him for the first time in ages. Ohno stayed still, not sure what to do or say - or think.
Nino tugged on Ohno's tie, working on the knot.
Ohno shook himself out of his daze, catching Nino's hands. "No," he told Nino, his mind suddenly panicking. He thought about Yuzuki and suddenly felt sick with guilt. "Nino, we can't -"
"Why can't we?" Nino shifted closer, almost into Ohno's lap. He butted his forehead against Ohno's own, faces so close that their noses almost bumped against each other. His skin was hot against Ohno's, slightly sticky with a faint sheen of sweat.
Ohno held his breath, trying to keep his resolve. Some instinctive, buried part of him wanted this very, very badly and if Nino got serious, he wasn't sure he could hold out.
"Oh-chan," Nino murmured, tilting his head to suck at Ohno's bottom lip, grazing it with his teeth before releasing it again. His eyes were half-lidded, dark and serious. "Don’t you want this?"
To this day, Ohno is still not sure if he did the right thing.
He shoved Nino off his lap, not even daring to look back as he slammed the front door of his apartment, grabbing his shoes and putting them on in the elevator as it took him back to ground level.
His heart was still racing.
Nino must not have tried to follow him down the stairs, because he wasn't waiting in the lobby. Ohno tried not to feel guilty, which wasn't hard. He didn't really know what to feel.
Ohno was about to pull out his phone to call a cab when he noticed the Cooper still parked on the curb.
Sho smiled at him weakly when Ohno climbed into the passenger seat. "I wasn't sure if I should come upstairs to put away the keys."
Ohno covered his face with one hand, feeling a headache coming on. "Can you please take me home?"
"Sure." Sho started the engine. Ohno spent most the ride staring out of the window. He could feel that Sho kept glancing sideways at him, like he wanted to say something. The silence was horribly, thickly uncomfortable, but Ohno couldn't bring himself to say anything.
"I don't know what happened," Sho said finally, as he pulled up in front of Ohno's parents' house. It was pretty late now, but Ohno's mum had left the porch light on. "And I'm not going to ask. But you should just know that Nino's had a rough time of it lately. I'll sort him out, so. You know - don't worry."
"Right," Ohno mumbled, unclicking his seatbelt. He was pretty sure that his face was red. "Thanks for the ride."
"Take care of yourself," Sho said softly. "I'll see you next Monday, okay?"
Ohno nodded, closing the car door and wavering on the front step while Sho drove away. He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. His mom would want to hear all about the wedding and he couldn't think about anything at the moment except the heat of Nino's lips against his, his voice low and serious.
Don’t you want this?
It was partly the alcohol, Ohno finally decided, leaning back against his front door and surveying the night sky. Definitely the alcohol and the whole business of Jun's wedding and Nino's break-up issues all squashed together. Nino would probably feel bad about it when he saw Ohno again, they could probably laugh it off together.
None of that, however, explained Ohno's response, or the stark, hungry thrill that Nino's words had sent through him. He couldn't answer that - except he could, and that scared him more than anything.
His mother stuck her head out of the window to ask him why he was standing outside, staring at the sky like an idiot. Ohno forced a laugh and went inside.
The next time that he had seen Nino, the entire group was there and that had made things just marginally less awkward. Aiba had pinned Jun to the break room couch, threatening to tickle him unconscious if Jun didn't cough up the souvenirs he had bought the members on his honeymoon. Sho had hovered somewhat anxiously between Nino and Ohno like an overlarge guard dog while they stared silently at each other, until Nino had pointedly told him that he ought to go stop Aiba from raping Jun.
"Look, I'm sorry," Nino said urgently, when Sho was out of earshot. "I was drunk, I didn't mean to -"
"It's okay." Ohno felt weird, deflated, but he tried to smile at Nino. "Really, it's okay. Let's just. You know. We're okay."
"Yeah?" Nino looked scared, but a bit relieved. "Yeah, good. I'm glad I didn't....like, fuck everything up or something."
"You didn't," Ohno told him, with his most reassuring smile. He slung an arm around Nino's shoulders, in an awkward half-hug. Nino wrapped his own arms back around Ohno tentatively, with a sort of hesitation that almost broke Ohno's heart.
It wasn't really a lie, Ohno justified, if they both believed it.
Part Two
Cross-posted to kotobayori
I had the honor of being the Arashi writer for Team Future. My prompt was Tokio's Southend and my contribution was Saudade.
This is the fic that I've wanted to write ever since I got into Arashi fandom about a year and a half ago, and especially since I read cimness's Just One of the Boys last winter. I started it last April immediately after I received my prompt, and after neglecting it for most of the summer, I deleted about 5,000 words of material that didn't work and then came up with another 9,000 words in less than 3 weeks in October. It's the longest one-shot that I've ever written, though it's rather puny compared to some writers I know - but for me, it was still quite a project.
I have pages of notes of my formulative thoughts on writing this and I could go on forever, but I won't be boring - my main aims were an authentic atmosphere, and a relaxed but sharp emotional feeling. My boss brought me back a CD of fado music from Portugal in June and I was really intrigued by a song about the idea of saudade - I thought it fit the mood I was trying to capture really well. Finally, I wanted to write the entire thing from Ohno's POV and that nearly broke me, but I think that it helped in the end. The fic was originally meant to be Ohno/Jun, but as per usual, Ohmiya kind of took over.
I have a lot of people to thank for letting me cry on their shoulders and pick their brains during these past few months - nominally, omnipresentdmat and crazychickencow, who have both been huge supports right from the very beginning - and who coaxed me into joining this challenge in the first place. Also, I really, really owe honooko, cupcake4mafia, lady_gemma, rhythmia & still_ciircee for being the absolute greatest beta team in the world! ♥
Also, thanks to everyone who read & commented/voted for this fic during the challenge! I really enjoyed reading your thoughtful comments all December and I will do my best to respond to them there as soon as I can. ♥
Title: Saudade [1/2]
Rating: PG-13
Length: ~13,000 words
Pairing Ohno/Nino
Summary: Set six years into the future: Ohno hears about it first from Nino…
"The famous saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness." - A.F.G Bell
Ohno hears about it first from Nino. This should be strange, considering that Nino is currently in Australia and thus logically the last one who should be aware of what's happening back in Japan.
It's easy to tell with Nino when someone else is footing the bill - and Ohno is sure that someone in management is going to be in tears when they get this one - because he's called every day, sometimes twice a day. Ohno isn't sure anymore if he's doing it because he misses them or if he wants to be sure that they know he misses them. Nino's been strangely sensitive to that in the past few years, when intensified solo projects started to turn into a little less group time.
Aiba actually confided to Ohno last summer that he had asked to have Nino offered the co-host position on MIS✫CHIEF, partly because he knew that Nino would like it and partly because it meant that they would be able to see each other more.
Although maybe Ohno is just over-thinking things. Nino does get homesick easily, always has.
Either way, Ohno appreciates it, because he never gets around to calling everyone and before he knows it, weeks drift by before it enters his mind to wonder what Aiba-chan or Sho are doing or how they are. It's nice to hear Nino's voice now too, to hear about what he's been up to, about how he can't find proper ramen down under or how hot it is, or the latest story about Aiba's failures at trying to pick up girls with local slang.
He misses Nino more than ever, in those moments when he hears his voice but can't see his face, and so he imagines it quietly in his mind while Nino rambles on - the quirk of his lips as he relates a joke, the ways his eyes flick to the side when he's trying to remember something.
Right now, he imagines Nino's serious expression, his hunched posture.
"Jun's getting a divorce." Nino's voice is even and calm and relates everything that he isn't saying out loud: worry, curiousity, frustration - the heartbreaking sense that this can't happen to Jun, because he loves so seriously and carefully and deeply that he doesn't recover easily.
"What?" Ohno switches his phone to his other ear, leaning against his kitchen counter. Rain is pounding furiously against the glass doors in his living room and the cross-continent static isn't helping either. "You just said divorce, right? Him and Aiko? He hasn't said anything."
It's a bit of a shock, he hasn't seen them both together for months, not since last April at least, but they had seemed happy. They had been smiling - although it occurred to Ohno that he should know all too well how easy it was to smile despite anything when you needed to hide something.
"No, well." There's some static on the line and Ohno pictures Nino shifting in his chair, and he presses his lips together. It's harder to talk like this with the distance between them, not being able to read each other silently - not being able to squeeze Nino's hand and have that reassurance. "He wouldn't, would he? You know how he is. Not until things were for sure. But it sounds like they are now - you know, final."
"Final?" Ohno feels a bit dazed. He hasn't talked to Jun in at least three weeks, although he's been watching the news clips promoting his new movie attentively. He feels a bit guilty, even though Jun knows him too well to expect him to be in constant contact. They call each other when they need to and they're both content to enjoy their individual lives the rest of the time. They all had a group interview scheduled for the day after Nino and Aiba's arrival back in Japan next week and he figured they could catch up then.
"He's moved back into the city - got an apartment, I think. Closer to work."
"Do the others know? Aiba-chan and - " Jun must have been aware that telling Nino meant effectively calling down the entire group's worry and concern and support. That more than anything showed that it was definite.
"Mm, well, Sho found out before I did - I think he ran into Aiko-san when he was shopping some day and the story came out. It sounds like he tracked down Jun's new apartment and fussed over him until Jun kicked his ass out." Nino's voice cracks with laughter over the line and Ohno has to smile. "I haven't told Aiba yet, though. Jun seems to be getting all the attention he can handle already and Aiba-chan can't do much but worry himself into a fit before we're on a plane back home."
"It sounds like he's doing okay." Ohno knows that he's saying this more to reassure himself and Nino more than because it's true - because Jun is Jun and he's definitely not okay, even if he doesn't show it. "I should call him."
Ohno tries to imagine how that would go. Would Jun get impatient and angry if he tried to talk to him directly? Or would Ohno lose his nerve and end up talking in circles, hanging up with absolutely nothing resolved or talked about?
"I told him that he should visit you." Ohno can't tell if Nino is joking or not. "It's nice and quiet out there."
"It would drive him crazy." Ohno's house is a ramshackle but cozy little cottage beside the ocean in Toshima-mura, the beach cold and grey in the dawning winter months now. It's a small, sleepy little island village and unremarkable. Still, there's good fishing, regular ferries back to the mainland when he has an engagement in Tokyo, and Ohno can wile away his days on his art in peace, without distraction or care - aside for remembering to fetch groceries every now and then. "What did he say?"
"He said he'd think about it. That he hasn't seen you in awhile." There’s a yawn and Ohno remembers how late it is - even later for Nino. "Somehow I doubt you can expect to see him anytime soon."
"Hm. And when can I expect you for a visit?" Ohno closes his eyes. It's been a year - no, a little over a year now, just after he had wrapped up filming and promotions on that French film - since Nino bounded through Ohno's front door, thin and exhausted and talking like a motor, rattling off everything that came to mind like he had been starved of Japanese syllables for ages. They had built wet, tall brown sandcastles on the beach and napped on Ohno's back porch while the scorching sun heated the wooden boards beneath their backs.
"Soon, maybe. It's been pretty busy." It kind of hurts to realize that busy these days isn't like it used to be, when being busy meant that they all saw each other day in and day out, until they were almost sick of each other. It's been such a gradual drift that Ohno has barely realized it - he doesn't totally mind, actually. He loves the other members, loves Arashi, but he doesn't entirely miss the pressurized spin-cycle of never-ending tours, interviews, variety shows and screaming fans. Things aren't so bad now. They still see each other and more importantly, they're still Arashi.
"Soon, then." Ohno doesn't know whether he should let himself hope or not, but he really shouldn't worry. Nino is Nino and he'll show up when he's ready.
"Look after him, all right?" Nino lets some concern break through his voice. "Oh-chan?"
Ohno nods instinctively, momentarily forgetting that he's on the phone. "I will. You take care of yourself too - get some sleep. Say hi to Aiba-chan, too."
"Sure." Nino laughs again, but it sounds a bit forced this time. "See you next week."
"Yeah." Ohno tightens his grip on the phone. He always feels a bit strange after hanging up, like whatever fragile connection they had for a moment was snapped suddenly. "Yeah, see you then. Goodbye?" He's not quite sure why he frames it as a question.
"I'll call you again soon," Nino promises, and then adds, "He seems like himself, but there's something a little wrong there. Really, it isn't good to leave him alone."
"I'll take care of it," Ohno reassures him before hanging up.
Ohno holds the phone in his hands for a long time afterwards, not quite looking at it, but sort of staring beyond it while he thinks things over.
The rain is loud and soothing as it rumbles against the windows, the kitchen bathed in a grey half-darkness from the gloomy weather. Ohno can feel the edge of the counter pressing into his back, and he thinks But what if I don't know what to do? with a funny sort of uncertainty that he hadn't felt since he was 18 years old and had just accidentally elected himself Arashi's leader.
He has never really lived up to that name in his mind, had never really seen himself as the force that pulled their group together. Even now, when things are slowly changing, when Arashi is changing into something they're not quite sure of, it's Nino who keeps them all caught up on who is doing what, it's Sho who remembers birthdays and sends encouraging text messages and flowers to movie premieres and clips out press releases. It's Jun who insists that they get together to celebrate their anniversary together, no matter what anyone has scheduled and it is Aiba who brings a sense of warmth and presence, constantly reminding them every time they're together of what they are to each other.
They are still Arashi, Ohno reminds himself, because they still have each other - even if in different ways, even if they can't always be together.
He might call Jun in a few days, he resolves, padding down the dark hallway towards his workshop, thunder rumbling overhead. It had been awhile since they had seen each other and Jun rarely refused Ohno anything. Ohno doesn't know what he can do, doesn't know what Jun needs - but it will probably easier to figure that out if Jun is here.
*
As it turns out, he doesn't have to worry about taking the first step. Jun arrives on the first ferry from the mainland three days later. He doesn't call ahead, but he does send a brief e-mail to Ohno's phone:
---
Filming wrapping up today.
Okay to visit for awhile?
---
"Hi, Captain." Jun looks a bit tired and his hair is longer than it was when Ohno saw him last. He doesn’t seem to feel like explaining himself, but instead waits patiently while Ohno adjusts his eyes to the early morning gloom and wakes up enough to help Jun drag his suitcases into the entranceway.
"It’s early," Ohno says and he really doesn’t know what to do or where to look. Jun seems to be watching him carefully from his perch on one of Ohno’s kitchen stools, his expression neutral. One of Ohno’s foster kittens, the black one who limps with his back left leg, winds himself around Jun’s ankle and mews pitifully until Jun picks him up into his lap, stroking his tiny head carefully with a finger until Nori purrs and settles down. "Do you want breakfast?"
Jun ends up cooking them both omurice while Ohno feeds the kittens. He has three, whom he found abandoned in a box by a pier in town, shivering and half-starved. They’re getting bigger now and Ohno likes having them around. They’re good company, even if Picasso does like to chew on his paintbrushes.
After the kittens are fed, Ohno sits at the counter and watches Jun cook, enjoying the elegant, precise movements of his hands and his stern concentration. "You've wrapped up filming, then?" he asks, as Jun neatly flips the omelette around the mound of rice, folding it together.
"Just a break. Early for New Year's." Jun sets a steaming plate in front of Ohno and sits down on the other counter stool with his own plate, not even bothering to untie his apron before digging in. "Filming in the mountains in winter sucks. I don't think I've been actually warm for about two months now."
Ohno mutters his thanks and takes a bite of his omelette. It's hot and fluffy, perfectly golden-brown delicious, and Ohno tells him so around mouthfuls. Jun smiles tightly as he pushes his own food around his plate, dragging his fork through the ketchup to make swirly patterns.
They eat in silence, aside from Shizuka rubbing her head against Ohno's ankle and mewing pitifully. Ohno scratches her behind the ears absently, watching Jun from underneath his eyelashes. Jun notices.
"I'm not going to break," he informs Ohno and eats a forkful of his breakfast, as if to prove it. "It's okay, we can talk about it, all right? We're adults, after all."
"How are you doing?" Ohno wraps his hands around his mug, letting the warmth seep into his chilled fingers. He watches Jun carefully. He wasn't just putting up a front - good actor that he was, Jun was a little too obvious about some things to truly hide his feelings from someone who knew him well. But at the same time, there was something clearly wrong. He looked - distracted, Ohno decided.
"Not bad." Jun takes another sip of coffee. "Filming is going slowly, but that's mostly because the director is insane. I should have known better than to work with him again, but the script looked really interesting and - "
"I meant," Ohno interrupts gently, "About the divorce. You and Aiko."
"Don't be so dramatic." Jun rolls his eyes and Ohno resists the urge to roll his right back at him - and stick his tongue out for good measure. "Everything's okay. Things just didn't work out, that's all. We've agreed to a private settlement and we'll take care of all the legal arrangements - and the potential media circus - in the new year."
"But you two seemed so - " Ohno searches for the right word, but it's just not coming. "I mean. I never thought..."
Jun's face seems to soften a bit and he puts down his mug, keeping his hands laced around it, tapping one side with his fingernail. "I know," he says, sounding a little more genuine this time. "Three years, you know? I did love her. And we were - together for awhile, we were fine. But things just fell apart. Work got in the way. We both wanted things from each other that I couldn't - " he breaks off his sentence, pausing for a sip of coffee.
"I guess - I guess that happens in life sometimes." He looks up at Ohno again like he's asking a question, like Ohno might know the answer.
Ohno takes a deep breath. "Maybe," he suggests gently, "Maybe you could still try - "
"No." Jun cuts him off. "Leader, it's not like that. It's just not there anymore. And what's more, this is what I want. Aiko as well. We decided this together."
"Okay." Ohno uncurls his hands from his mug, laces his fingers together in his lap. He's playing this conversation by ear and it's starting to feel like he's running into dead ends. "Okay."
Jun looks at him for a minute and it almost seems like he's thinking whether or not to say something. "Let's not talk about it anymore," he says finally, holding up a hand when Ohno opens his mouth to protest. "No, I know, we will talk about it, but not now. I haven't seen you in weeks. What have you been up to?"
Ohno tells him about the kittens and the fishing he did over the summer and about his latest sculpture. Jun listens avidly, making the appropriate remarks in all the right places and laughing at the funny parts.
It was good to have him around, Ohno decides, even if he was a bit distant and evasive and not quite all right. Even if Ohno wasn't quite sure how to handle him until things became a little more normal, Jun came to him and that means that Ohno can try. It's a start.
*
Ohno is sure everyone thought he was joking when he announced that he had bought a house. It had been a bit of a surprise, even to him. He hadn't really meant to. One minute he and Sho were filming a segment on fishing on a tiny, quiet island that Ohno had never even heard of and the next minute, he was checking out a ramshackle little cottage on his break. It had a nice view of the ocean and the fields behind the house were carpeted in bright camellias.
It was a small cottage, but well-insulated against the strong, piercingly cold ocean winds. It was pretty traditional in design, but its previous owners had been a retired American couple who had made some renovations to it, so the kitchen and bathroom was sleek and modern, and there was a back porch out of the main room, with sliding glass doors. It was unassuming and plain, lonely on the small stretch of coast on the eastern tip of the island. Ohno had liked it instantly.
His mom had laughed at his spontaneity and told him that she would find him some cardboard boxes to pack up his things. Ohno hadn't even thought commuting, about electricity bills, mortgage payments, about who would watch the property when he had to stay on the mainland. It only felt a little scary after the fact, testing the smooth feel of the deed papers between his fingers on the ferry ride back from Toshimajima. He could afford it and he was a bit surprised by how much he wanted it.
Aiba had insisted that he needed a housewarming party, and since they were short on time that season, between Sho and Jun's dramas and their own new variety show, they had combined it with helping him move in - which is to say, they all got hopelessly drunk and somehow Jun had ended up waking up on the back porch in a cardboard box which had been labeled "PETTO FOR SALE" in Aiba's scrawling writing.
It had felt even weirder after everyone had left, when Ohno had the place all to himself for the first time. He walked slowly around, checking out the different rooms, winding his way around the piles of cardboard boxes and packing debris. He didn't have that much stuff.
He told himself it wasn't a big deal and resolved to go furniture shopping after his CM filmings the following week. Ohno didn't mind sitting on the floor that much, but it might make the house seem less empty.
It wasn't such a big deal. He was 31, after all - Jun was engaged and Aiba had already moved in with his girlfriend the previous year (although no one knew how long that was going to last) - and besides, it was nice to have someplace to go to that was - well, away from it all, in more than one sense.
The fishing was amazing, too. That was always important.
Ohno quickly made friends with a couple of old fisherman, getting to know the sweetest spots on the island and what he could expect to catch. Their wives - a veritable club of tiny, wrinkled old grandmas - took to Ohno instantly and badgered him to come visit them, to come over for dinner or help them with some repairs. It felt a bit like Mago Mago all over again. Sho and Nino had nearly laughed themselves sick at the amount of plastic containers stuffed in Ohno's refrigerator when they visited him to help him finish unpacking and assemble his new furniture at the end of his second week in his new house.
Two summers later, in the post-concert lull when the weather was just beginning to cool down, Ohno had painted the exterior walls of the cottage a cheerful, bright sea blue.
A week later, he had arrived back from a meeting for his new stageplay to find his front door painted a bright, sunshine yellow and Nino sprawled out on his couch, napping.
Ohno remembers, looking back, the smell of wet paint, the soft silence of the house and the peaceful expression of Nino's sleeping face, and feeling, for the first time since he had packed up his life and tried so hard to grow up, that he was home again.
*
"How is he?"
Ohno is curled up on the window sill of his workroom, lazy in the late afternoon sun rays. Picasso is dozing in his lap, Ohno's fingers scrunching softly through his fur.
"Okay, I guess." Jun had left for a run on the beach shortly before Nino had called. Ohno can smell something delicious simmering from the kitchen. He hopes that it's dinner. "He slept for like, fifteen hours the first day. And he's smoking more than usual."
"Well, as long as he's not crying into his pillow or anything."
"I don't think he likes mine very much." Ohno had tried not to stare blankly when Jun had asked him about the thread-count of his sheets, but honestly, he didn't know.
"I told Aiba." Nino sounds almost apologetic and Ohno isn't sure whether that feeling is more directed at Aiba or Jun. "He was pretty upset about it last night, but I took him out drinking and now he's calmed down a bit. He's scouring every shop in a ten-mile radius for the perfect present to bring home to Jun."
Ohno scratches behind Picasso's ears. "How is filming going?"
"Pretty good." Ohno didn't really get why MIS✫CHIEF would be doing their Christmas Special in Australia. Aiba had said something about Christmas Island, but he had been too excited - and drunk - to explain it properly and Ohno had been too tired to catch it all. "But I will kill Aiba if he makes me wear that elf costume again."
Ohno snorts. "I can't wait to see that air."
"Not if I have my way." Nino pauses. "Aiba and I both have some free time after we brief back at the studio on the mainland, and after we all have that interview. We could come over for New Year's, if you don't have any other plans. We could all laze around and get fat off of Jun-kun's pasta."
"Yeah, sure." Picasso stirs in Ohno's lap, mewing sleepily and twisting to nuzzle his cheek against Ohno's stilled hand. "Jun hasn't said anything about leaving, I thought we'd both just stay on the island." Something sparks in the back of Ohno's mind. "Wasn't Aiba co-hosting some variety countdown show, though?"
"He cancelled it." Nino sounds entirely matter-of-fact about this. "Our manager is having an absolute fit, but Aiba knows how to talk him around. He already called Sho, too and guilted him into coming along instead of going to his fiancée's parents - it didn't take much. He has to stick around for an extra day or so for Zero, but then he's coming, too."
"Oh." Ohno can't help but smile. It was pure Aiba, through and through. The only question now was whether Jun could stomach an week of Nino's affectionate sniping, Sho's smothering concern and Aiba's ill-conceived efforts to make his life happier. "That sounds good. I'll air out the guest futons," he adds importantly. "It's been awhile."
"Just don't let them fall into the ocean this time," Nino comments dryly. "Or I'm camping out in your bed."
"Huh." Ohno scratches the paint on the edge of the windowsill with a fingernail. Part of him wants to say that's fine, anyways, but it sounds stupid even in his head.
There's a silence between them for a minute and Ohno lets it pass, his mind drifting, listening to Nino's steady breathing crackle over the line.
"Aiba will be coming by to fetch me to dinner any minute now." Nino finally breaks the silence, shaking Ohno out of his reverie. "We're shooting some scenes on an island tomorrow and the next day, so I may not have time to call."
"I'll see you after the weekend, anyways." Ohno hears the click of the lock on the porch door; Jun must be home from his jog. "You don't have to keep calling." It comes out sounding somewhat more accusatory than he had intended. Ohno holds his breath for a second, wondering if he should clarify or take it back.
"No." Nino's voice is relaxed, almost toneless when his reply finally floats across the line. Ohno wishes again that he could see Nino's expression - even if it would probably pretty damn inscrutable right now. "No, I guess I don't. I'll see you next week."
"Nino -" Ohno begins, not knowing exactly what to say. He never knew how to talk about this. Maybe that was part of the problem.
"I'll see you, Oh-chan." Nino doesn't sound angry at all, but he hangs up before Ohno can reply.
Ohno makes a frustrated noise, clicking his own phone shut. Picasso squirms in his lap, butting his nose under Ohno's fingers, wanting to be petted. Ohno combs his fingers through the cat's silky fur, listening to his purrs and thinking.
It's weird, Ohno finally decides, because Nino rarely ever calls him when they're both in the city, or when Ohno's staying at his house and Nino is on the mainland. They're all like that - granted, they've called each other a bit more in recent years, as solo projects and girlfriends precipated a general decline in the amount of time breathing the same air, just to keep in touch - it wasn't necessary before, not when they saw each other almost every day, for hours on end.
If Ohno thinks back, Nino was like this when he went to California, too, years back - not with the same frequency, but with an unspoken sort of urgency, like he needed a connection back to something. But he couldn't possibly be lonely in Australia, not surrounded by Aiba and a couple dozen familiar staff members.
Ohno doesn't really know what to make of it.
"Still in here?" Jun pokes his head around the doorframe, toweling his hair. "You should go outside for a bit, Leader. Get some fresh air."
"I know," Ohno says, but he doesn't move. He strokes behind Picasso's ears softly, slowly.
Jun gives him a pointed look, seeing the phone in Ohno's hand. "How's the Down Under pair?"
"They're fine." Ohno realizes that he's frowning and he tries to clear his face. "Aiba-chan is shopping for a present for you."
"Oh God." Jun runs a hand back through his still-damp hair, looking both wary and pleased. "Let's hope it isn't alive. Well, if you're still going to work, I'll call you when dinner's ready. Should be a little under an hour now."
"All right." Ohno waits until Jun leaves and closes the door. He looks across the room to his abandoned project, pencil still balanced on top of his preliminary sketches, waiting for him.
Things had fallen into a comfortable routine somewhere around the fourth day of Jun's impromptu stay at Ohno's place. Jun's hair products have staked out a shelf of their own in Ohno's (suspiciously now much tidier) bathroom and Jun has taken command of Ohno's kitchen. It gave him something to do while Ohno was cooped up with his art in his studio that doesn't involve watching variety shows until his brains leaked out of his ears or going for runs on the beach three times a day in the freezing December air like a madman.
They've known each other for over fifteen years now and Ohno has enjoyed watching Jun grow up. It's sometimes hard to believe that the shy, awkward and tiny boy he had shaken hands with in Hawaii slowly changed into the tall, confident, handsome and loving man he is today. Ohno isn't sure when it occurred to him, watching Jun years ago, that Jun had grown into a fine young man, but it was true. Jun was smart and strong and loved with a strength and loyalty and sweetness that was almost incomprehensible. He had his faults, yeah, his bad habits - it was no secret that Jun put his work first, over everything else. In retrospect, it didn't seem quite so strange that his marriage had fallen victim to that.
It hadn't really come as a shock to anyone when Jun was the first to get married - he and Aiko had been seeing each other for over a year already then, and Jun had always talked about how he wanted to get married young, wanted to have children by the time he was 30.
Despite what he had said when he had first arrived, Jun still didn't seem to want to talk about it and Ohno didn't really know how to bring it up. Jun seemed fine, a little more distracted and brooding than since Ohno had seen him last, but he talked normally about filming and his co-stars. He wasn't really the type to spill his heart out or mope in circles, after all.
Picasso mews suddenly, springing off Ohno's lap and skittering towards the open doorway. Faced with the sudden loss of his lapwarmer and excuse for total lack of movement, Ohno groaned and hauled himself upright.
His latest work hadn't really started to come together at all. Ohno isn't sure whether to just forget about it and start all over again. It feels like the idea was clear in his mind when he started and he's lost track of it, somehow. He settles onto a stool and sorts through the sketches piled on the creaky wooden table that serves as a worktable. The whole concept has gotten a little complicated; it wouldn't be such a bad idea to par it down a little. It was going to be an engagement present for Sho and his fianceé, but the pace Ohno was crawling along at meant that it would have to be a wedding present. He wants to get the details absolutely right, though; metal clay is fairly expensive and he can't afford to make many mistakes.
Ohno taps his drawing pencil against the desktop, staring at his sketches thoughtfully. It was actually Jun who had indirectly gotten Ohno interested in designing jewelry, back when he had asked Ohno to design his and Aiko's wedding rings. Ohno still remembers the stifling heat of that summer, squished up in a chair in break rooms between concert rehearsals or tapings, mind empty and clear as he traced endless circles in his sketchbook until he finally made up his mind: Aiko's was slim and delicate, a pearl encased in a half-heart made from rose-quartz, set in silver. Jun's was a thick band of silver, an engraved lightning bolt wrapping around the band striking against a small amethyst set within the top.
Ohno hadn't actually made them; Jun had given his sketches to a professional jeweler to be crafted, but it had sparked his interest a little and between sculptures and paintings these days, he occasionally turned out a pendent or necklace, designing the pieces and then trying out different materials and techniques. It had caused a bit of a media sensation last fall when, during his new drama, Nino had worn a small amber pendent that Ohno had made him for his birthday. Ohno likes the attention to detail, the new techniques to try and he likes how useful it is. He had made a stunning moonstone and silver-clay bracelet for his last girlfriend and she had absolutely loved it.
They had broken up a couple of months later, but it had been amicable. Yuzuki hadn't really liked fishing and Ohno had been a bit alarmed by how much she wanted to talk about marriage. He hadn't really seen anyone else since - spending most of his free time away from the city meant there were considerably fewer chances to meet available, pretty girls. He was pretty happy by himself, anyways.
Still, he wonders, sometimes, if he would have broken up with her if he hadn't followed Nino home after Jun's wedding.
He's told himself for years now that had absolutely nothing to do with it, but that still shifts around in the back of his mind. Ohno's not used to not being totally honest with himself.
"Leader?" Jun's voice echoes down the hallway from the kitchen, interrupting his thoughts. "Dinner's going to be in just a few minutes, but could you feed your damn cats? Piki-chan is biting my ankles."
Ohno drops his pencil - he hasn't even left a mark on the page in the past half-hour - and shoves his stool away from the worktable. "Coming," he calls back.
The whole situation feels so ridiculously domestic that Ohno has to laugh to himself as he heads towards the kitchen. Ohno's had girlfriends stay over before, but there's been nothing quite as surreal as waking up to find Matsumoto Jun cooking eggs in his kitchen is a bright yellow apron, face firmly etched with a morning scowl.
Jun has commandeered Ohno's best soup pot and is stirring with an expression of extreme concentration, but he lets Ohno peek over his shoulder to sniff happily at the cream stew and even gives him a taste from his wooden spoon.
"Smf'good," Ohno tells him around a mouthful, around a hot piece of potato, chewing absently as he goes to search through the cupboards for the cat food.
Like Jun said, Picasso seems to know that Ohno rustling through the cupboards means Meal Time and he impedes Ohno's search by wrapping himself around Ohno's ankles, flopping across his feet and mewing loudly. Nori and Shizuka soon join the fray and Ohno barely manages to tip the food into three bowls before there are three tiny, fuzzy heads and wet noses butting against his hands.
"That too." Jun points the wooden spoon at an opened tin of tuna on the counter. "I've already drained it."
"Yes, dear," Ohno mutters, stretching out from his crouch on his floor, his knees creaking a little in protest. He scrapes the flaked fish onto a small plate. "You're coming back here after we go in for that appearance next week, right?"
Jun covers the stewpot with a lid, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms. "Aren't you going to stay with your family over the holidays?" He smiles at Ohno, teasingly. "Ohno-family style hotpot and all?"
Ohno shrugs. "I kind of wanted to stay here this year." It's not totally a lie. Ohno loves New Year's, and he loves spending the New Year at home, eating his mom's cooking and lying around on the couch with his dad, watching television lazily.
But right now, he's thinking about the five of them, all of Arashi, crammed into his cottage, laughing and drinking and lazing their way into the next year together. It sounds nice - and more importantly, it sounds like just what Jun needs right now, whether he'll admit to it or not.
Jun gives him a long, calculating look. "All right," he says finally, as Ohno sets the tuna down for the hungry kittens. "I'll pick up some clothes and stuff from my apartment when we go into the city. We can get groceries, too - what did you want to eat for New Year's?"
"Hotpot," Ohno says instantly, and Jun laughs at him.
"Just the two of us? That's so pathetic." But Jun is smiling and Ohno can already see the idea taking shape in his head. It feels good to see Jun look this excited about something.
Ohno is about to tell him about Nino's plan, but then he thinks it really might be better as a surprise (Jun will have less of a chance to protest when faced with group pressure) and so he doesn't say anything at all. Ohno will let the others surprise Jun when the time comes.
*
It was just a little over three years ago when it first started, Ohno figures - well, okay, that's not exactly right. If Ohno is totally honest, the whole business started years and years ago, too many to even think about. There was always something a little weird between him and Nino, a sort of double-layered twist of meaning that gave Ohno a headache sometimes. They were totally comfortable with each other, physically. They fooled around with it a bit, onstage, on-camera to get the fangirls excited, and even backstage (mostly to fuck with Sho's mental health), but there was always that prickling wonder in the back of Ohno's mind about exactly how much of it was a joke, or if that was really all there was to it.
For a long time, Ohno didn't even bother to think about it too much, but just accepted things as they were. Nino was Nino and Ohno was himself and everyone was happy as they were. They both had girlfriends, after all, on and off. It was only in the past couple of years, as their group activities slowly declined that it started to bother Ohno a little more than usual.
Things really kind of exploded about three years before - it was right after Jun and Aiko's wedding reception. Aiba had somehow coerced Sho into "decorating" Jun's car and Jun had unceremoniously dragged Aiba off by the ear once he had discovered him stringing up beer cans to Jun's bumper. Aiko was surrounded by a gaggle of relatives and friends and well-wishers.
Nino had cornered him in an alcove off the main hall when Ohno had been getting ready to leave.
Ohno still remembers Nino's slight frame pressed against his back, his breath hot against his ear, fingers tight on his shoulder, voice low - "Oh-chan, come back to my place." Ohno remembers leaning back against Nino's chest, letting Nino's fingers massage against his shoulders. Nino was pretty drunk, they both were.
"Why?" Ohno had asked, a little thickly. He caught up one of Nino's hands in his, swinging it back and forth.
Nino pressed an affectionate kiss against the side of his neck, wet and sloppy. "No idea," he answered cheerfully.
When he stopped to think about it, Nino had been watching Ohno throughout the entire ceremony - Ohno had caught him at it: Nino hadn't even bothered to look away, staring intently like he was trying to make up his mind about something. There was a certain heat to his gaze that had made Ohno feel uneasy.
He felt uneasy now, as comfortable and familiar as it was to be in the circle of Nino's arms. Jun's wedding was small, just close family and friends, but Ohno knew that they were attracting some pretty weird glances anyways.
"Oh-chan should come back to my place," Nino said, a playful whining note in his voice. Nino didn't usually drink this much, didn't usually act so needy. It didn't fit. "Or I'll be lonely."
Sho walked into the alcove, tugging on his coat. He took one look at Nino wrapped around Ohno's back and sighed. "Keys," he demanded of Nino, holding out his hand. "I'll drive you home, too, Satoshi."
"I'm going back to Nino's place," Ohno said, surprising even himself. Nino made a pleased noise against the back of Ohno's neck.
Sho looked at him, expression neutral. "Fine."
Ohno doesn't remember much about the car ride to Nino's place, except that everything seemed funny. Nino kept cracking nonsensical, ridiculous jokes until Ohno could barely breathe from laughing. He remembers Nino's hand covering his, thumb running over Ohno's knuckles.
Sho had barely parked the car on the street in front of Nino's building before Nino was tugging Ohno out of the backseat, towards the front doors, like he was suddenly impatient.
They kept laughing right up to Nino's apartment, which got them some concerned looks in the elevator. Crossing the threshold into Nino's apartment felt like a bit of a mood-killer, though. Nino paused, standing in the center of his living room, looking a little bit lost.
Ohno licked his lips, shifting his weight from foot to foot as Nino stayed silent. He wondered if he should say something about Nino's new sofa. He hadn't been to Nino's place in at least two years, hadn't really had any reason to.
Nino finally flopped down on said couch, shoving aside a pile of old video cassette tapes and papers absently. "Come sit with me, Oh-chan."
Ohno did. He fit himself into the curve of Nino's side and they sat together quietly for long minutes. They were still, Ohno noted, wearing their best suits and it must have made for a pretty absurd picture, both of them leaning into each other on Nino's small brown couch.
"What are you thinking about?" Nino asked finally, tracing circles and stars on Ohno's leg. He nuzzled his head against Ohno's shoulder, his hair soft and ticklish against Ohno's cheek.
"Nothing," Ohno replied, not knowing what to say, because he's still not quite sure why he's here. "I like your couch," he added.
Nino sighed, leaning more heavily against him until Ohno lifted the arm trapped between them to wrap it around Nino's shoulders. "Our little Jun-pon is all married an' gone," he informed Ohno.
"Mmm." Ohno rubbed at Nino's shoulder. "Yes, he is." It was hard to tell if Nino was being jealous or nostalgic, or both. He knew that Nino's girlfriend had just broken up with him less than a month ago and he knew that Nino hadn't taken it well.
"Leader will be next," Nino continued melodramatically. "You're going to get married, too."
Ohno pulled Nino closer, stroking his other hand through Nino's hair comfortingly. "I don't think so."
"I don't want you to get married," Nino muttered. He squinted up fiercely at Ohno, who had to resist the urge to laugh. "Promise me."
"I promise," Ohno said solemnly. "We can be cranky old bachelors together."
There must have been a bit of a gap in time, because when Ohno thinks back, one moment Nino was watching him with a careful, thoughtful expression and the next, Nino had surged up, one hand cupping the back of Ohno's head and kissing him.
It was unexpectedly soft and sweet, given Nino's urgency. Ohno let his initial surprise melt away a little, his eyes falling shut. Their mouths moved against each other tentatively, Nino's lips chapped and hot against Ohno's. Nino's breath smelled like alcohol but his mouth was hot and eager against Ohno's own and he couldn't really bring himself to care. Nino's hand combed through the short strands of soft hair at the base of Ohno's neck, sending pleasant little shivers down Ohno's spine.
It was Nino who pulled back first, breathing fast. He looked at Ohno like he was seeing him for the first time in ages. Ohno stayed still, not sure what to do or say - or think.
Nino tugged on Ohno's tie, working on the knot.
Ohno shook himself out of his daze, catching Nino's hands. "No," he told Nino, his mind suddenly panicking. He thought about Yuzuki and suddenly felt sick with guilt. "Nino, we can't -"
"Why can't we?" Nino shifted closer, almost into Ohno's lap. He butted his forehead against Ohno's own, faces so close that their noses almost bumped against each other. His skin was hot against Ohno's, slightly sticky with a faint sheen of sweat.
Ohno held his breath, trying to keep his resolve. Some instinctive, buried part of him wanted this very, very badly and if Nino got serious, he wasn't sure he could hold out.
"Oh-chan," Nino murmured, tilting his head to suck at Ohno's bottom lip, grazing it with his teeth before releasing it again. His eyes were half-lidded, dark and serious. "Don’t you want this?"
To this day, Ohno is still not sure if he did the right thing.
He shoved Nino off his lap, not even daring to look back as he slammed the front door of his apartment, grabbing his shoes and putting them on in the elevator as it took him back to ground level.
His heart was still racing.
Nino must not have tried to follow him down the stairs, because he wasn't waiting in the lobby. Ohno tried not to feel guilty, which wasn't hard. He didn't really know what to feel.
Ohno was about to pull out his phone to call a cab when he noticed the Cooper still parked on the curb.
Sho smiled at him weakly when Ohno climbed into the passenger seat. "I wasn't sure if I should come upstairs to put away the keys."
Ohno covered his face with one hand, feeling a headache coming on. "Can you please take me home?"
"Sure." Sho started the engine. Ohno spent most the ride staring out of the window. He could feel that Sho kept glancing sideways at him, like he wanted to say something. The silence was horribly, thickly uncomfortable, but Ohno couldn't bring himself to say anything.
"I don't know what happened," Sho said finally, as he pulled up in front of Ohno's parents' house. It was pretty late now, but Ohno's mum had left the porch light on. "And I'm not going to ask. But you should just know that Nino's had a rough time of it lately. I'll sort him out, so. You know - don't worry."
"Right," Ohno mumbled, unclicking his seatbelt. He was pretty sure that his face was red. "Thanks for the ride."
"Take care of yourself," Sho said softly. "I'll see you next Monday, okay?"
Ohno nodded, closing the car door and wavering on the front step while Sho drove away. He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself. His mom would want to hear all about the wedding and he couldn't think about anything at the moment except the heat of Nino's lips against his, his voice low and serious.
Don’t you want this?
It was partly the alcohol, Ohno finally decided, leaning back against his front door and surveying the night sky. Definitely the alcohol and the whole business of Jun's wedding and Nino's break-up issues all squashed together. Nino would probably feel bad about it when he saw Ohno again, they could probably laugh it off together.
None of that, however, explained Ohno's response, or the stark, hungry thrill that Nino's words had sent through him. He couldn't answer that - except he could, and that scared him more than anything.
His mother stuck her head out of the window to ask him why he was standing outside, staring at the sky like an idiot. Ohno forced a laugh and went inside.
The next time that he had seen Nino, the entire group was there and that had made things just marginally less awkward. Aiba had pinned Jun to the break room couch, threatening to tickle him unconscious if Jun didn't cough up the souvenirs he had bought the members on his honeymoon. Sho had hovered somewhat anxiously between Nino and Ohno like an overlarge guard dog while they stared silently at each other, until Nino had pointedly told him that he ought to go stop Aiba from raping Jun.
"Look, I'm sorry," Nino said urgently, when Sho was out of earshot. "I was drunk, I didn't mean to -"
"It's okay." Ohno felt weird, deflated, but he tried to smile at Nino. "Really, it's okay. Let's just. You know. We're okay."
"Yeah?" Nino looked scared, but a bit relieved. "Yeah, good. I'm glad I didn't....like, fuck everything up or something."
"You didn't," Ohno told him, with his most reassuring smile. He slung an arm around Nino's shoulders, in an awkward half-hug. Nino wrapped his own arms back around Ohno tentatively, with a sort of hesitation that almost broke Ohno's heart.
It wasn't really a lie, Ohno justified, if they both believed it.
Part Two
Cross-posted to kotobayori