[fanfiction] take a breath
This is for yesterday and today (Tuesday), because it took too long to edit/write.
Fandom/Pairings: Kingdom Hearts; Roxas/Sora, Axel/Roxas, Demyx/Axel, Milo/Myde, Demyx/dancer!Milo, Roxas/Demyx
Rating: Light R because uh. IDK, sex.
Pre-Notes: Challenge to self? To take a breath. It'll be fun.
Disclaimer: Demyx/Roxas would probably be canon if I owned it.
Summary: So maybe I like Demyx too much. There's other people here too!
----take a breath
“B-R-E-A-T-H spells breath.”
1. B is for Broken (Roxas/Sora)
Sora tastes like salt. Not table-salt, as Roxas is so fond of reminding him, but air-salt. And though he doesn't understand why Roxas does this to him, reminds him of what he is, he craves it. Whatever Roxas wants, Roxas gets. They meld together so so well and it's a shame that this is so wrong.
Not in terms of morality, Sora gave those up a long while ago. No - it was wrong in terms of Roxas. There was something just so deliciously sweet and yet wrong about the fact that his other half - in literal terms - was the one jacking him off. And there was nothing sweet or slow about it. Roxas kissed Sora like he could disappear any moment - which Sora supposed was true - and the sex was always heated.
It was such a contrast to Riku. With Riku, Sora had total control and was in power. There were always saccharine kisses and sweet nothings. If sex with Riku was Vanilla, then Roxas was more of a Mississippi Mud. He was only available in certain places and there were hidden depths to him - not to mention he was patently bad for Sora's health.
Surprisingly, though, it took Riku forever and a day to notice. The only reason he ever noticed was because Sora came home crying once. Riku had intially assumed that it was because of something silly, like Leon taking his ice cream, but he knew that Sora never ever cried like that unless he had his heart broken. Riku would know - he'd broken it more times than he could count. But he hadn't broken it recently.
And from there, it all fell apart. Riku accepted it, until Roxas got selfish. And he was allowed to be so, because he didn't have much else, but Sora couldn't possibly choose. Picking Roxas would mean betraying his boyfriend/best friend/soulmate. Picking Riku would mean betraying himself. And so, Sora cried. Riku held him close but that just made it worse.
The perfect world he had constructed for himself was broken. It was shattered and crushed in a mere moment by Roxas - the only person who could make Sora cry more than Riku.
In the end, Sora chose Roxas. Riku knew, from the very beginning probably, that Sora had to pick Roxas. Blood ran thicker than water, especially to Sora. That didn't make it hurt any less.
2. R is for Remember (Axel/Roxas)
Axel said he'd remember. Roxas, foolishly, didn't believe him. And now here he was, lying in a bed with a guy who he'd known in a previous life that he didn't remember much about besides the fact that he was really good at head. And that he might've burned down a castle or two for Roxas, but hey. What's a little pyromania and gay sex between friends?
Roxas was really not comfortable in this situation. He was sleeping with a complete stranger, as far as he was concerned. Sure, Axel had been his friend but he had never really learned anything about the guy past the fact that he was number 8, he understood Roxas and he liked fire. Roxas vaguely regretted this now that this was the guy who was pounding into him every night.
And he was beginning to remember bits and pieces of what he had left behind. The things that had happened, the shit they had blown up . . . Pretty much all of the good. Some of the bad was creeping into his memory too, but for the most part it was happy. He wasn't sure why he'd left in the first place.
Oh right. The whole I don't know who the fuck I am thing was kinda pressing. Roxas snaked his arms around Axel's waist and nuzzled his shoulder. Axel mumbled a little before turning to face Roxas.
“Something the matter?”
Roxas didn't say anything, he just nuzzled him a little more. Axel turned to stroke Roxas' hair, knowing that Roxas would talk when he was ready. And, after a few minutes of silence, he did.
“You're never ever going to leave, right?”
Axel smiled, “Roxas-baby, I couldn't leave if I wanted to. You're the one that needs me most.”
Roxas hugged Axel close. Even though he hadn't known who he was, if he had known his abandonment issues were going to be this bad, he wouldn't have left at all. At eighteen, nearly nineteen, he shouldn't need a safety blanket. Granted, that safety blanket was a man who was nearly a complete stranger, but it (he?) was still a safety blanket.
There was something very comforting about moments like this, where he could just remember what was good and not what was bad. Because his world spun so so so fast, he needed something to stabilise him. Something to slow down this technicolour world.
3. E is for Effervescent (Demyx/Axel)
Demyx thinks it's funny, that water and fire together make steam. It's such an easy pun to make-such an easy thing to say. Steam. Axel knows this too, it's something they can agree on. Something they can hang onto in the swirl of everything that is Organisation 13. Each other, that is. They hold onto each other. They like each other.
Is like something they can feel? Maybe. Maybe not. Demyx was always good at pretending, though. His other was good at pretending too. Demyx thinks his other was an actor, but he's not sure. The memories are kind of faded now-like photographs that have had orange juice spilled on them, discoloured and barely existing. It's okay, though. Demyx is pretty sure he wouldn't want to remember his past anyway.
Axel (in bed, next to him) him is more pressing, tangible, honest, whatever. There are no words for what Axel is besides fire. So much fire that it's hard not to get burned-but Demyx is water, fluid and ever-changing, so they're okay. They're okay. It's okay. Axel tells him so, anyway. Says things, doesn't mean things, wants things, knows things, cannot hold things.
The things that Axel holds onto generally get burned. Demyx doesn't, because the fire would have to be much hotter than what Axel can produce to burn Demyx. Together, fire and water make steam. It's something Demyx and Axel have agreed on, which is the reason Demyx isn't upset. Well, besides the fact that he can't really be upset.
But he could have pretended when the new kid came and Demyx could feel it-the steam clearing up into nothingness. Axel is drawn to the new kid like a moth to flame-funny, because Axel is the flame itself. Flame drawn to flame, maybe. It doesn't matter, Demyx has learned to find everything funny-because he's water and he can flow wherever the current takes him. Demyx knew that the steam wasn't forever, so he flows with this new current.
Steam isn't anything. You can't hold onto steam-it drifts away into nothingness, thick for a moment, but ultimately nothing. Just like a nobody. Just like a heart.
But nobodies can still laugh, and Demyx laughs when Axel is left behind in the dust by the new kid. It's just funny, that's all-even if it's only funny to him-because the only thing Axel ever wanted to hold had the sense to walk away before it got burned.
4. A is for Atlantis (Milo/Myde)
People tell Milo that it rains in London because of something called the jet stream that intersects England, but Milo knows better. Milo knows it rains in London because Myde controls the rain. When Myde wants it to rain, it rains. That's just the way it's always been and sometimes Milo doesn't even know if Myde realises it. He hardly thinks it matters, though.
Myde is whispering into his ear-soft, sexy nothings that make no sense and all the sense in the world. Milo whispers back-things in languages Myde doesn't know and doesn't care to know but loves all the same. This is how they speak and communicate, heart-to-heart with no regard at all for people outside their world of two. They've constructed the barrier around them carefully and slowly to the point where when they don't want to know about the outside world, they fall into each other and simply exist.
Without thinking, Milo tilts his head back when Myde presses a soft kiss along his jaw. Without speaking, Milo unbuttons Myde's shirt and dumps it to the side of the bed. He thinks he does, anyway. It is a sort of synchronised perfection that is almost muscle memory between them. Myde hums a song-slow and sweet-just for Milo. Milo recites poetry-romantic and unrealistic-just for Myde. Their fingers roam, mapping out dips and curves that are already discovered but beautiful all the same.
And when neither has any words or melodies or thoughts but each other, then they breath in perfect harmony and become one.
In that moment where Milo is Myde and Myde is Milo, Milo thinks that even if he never finds Atlantis, finding Myde is almost better. He'll take Myde over Atlantis any day-absolutely any day. Myde thinks that one day, he'll help Milo find Atlantis and they'll live in Atlantis forever, happy and content. They communicate these thoughts through kisses-like morse code for love.
Dot dash dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot dash, dot. L - O - V - E. This is a telegram from me to you. It's a message about how much I love you.
Outside, on the dismal streets of London, rain falls in a steady rhythm. People trudge along on the sidewalks, miserable and unhappy. Inside, Milo and Myde are tangled together on Milo's bed fast asleep, happy, and content. They dream of Atlantis.
5. T is for Tragic (Demyx/dancer!Milo)
He keeps Milo in his room-like a pet-far away from everyone else's prying eyes. Though he can say very little else about the Organisation, Demyx can say that they at least respect privacy. No one enters his room without permission and so Milo is safe. In the privacy of his own room, Demyx can hold the figure of a dancer close and cry.
The dancer always makes soft cooing noises, like a shadow heartless only very slightly different. Demyx always wonders if it's trying to comfort him or just being a nobody. He likes to think that Milo is still Milo, but he knows better. The dancer is just like any other dancer. It's not special-except it is, because this dancer used to be Milo and Milo means everything everything everything. That's why Milo has to be hidden away where no one can hurt him any more than Demyx already has. So no one can away the very last thing that Demyx has.
Milo is the only thing that keeps him going-keeps him believing that there will be something better tomorrow. The dancer wraps its long arms around Demyx and tries to pull him up, tries to dance with him. Demyx smiles sadly and stands, sweeping the dancer into a waltz. They dance, because they can do little else together. The dancer coos-whether from happiness or general dancer-ness, Demyx doesn't know.
He suspects that no one really understands heartless or nobodies but Vexen and Vexen kind of scares him anyway, so it hardly matters. All that matters is that the dancer wants to dance and Demyx will give anything to Milo, so he'll dance. He'll dance like those twelve princesses from that one story because all he wants is a prince named Milo who tells him he tastes like candied ocean and speaks in languages he doesn't understand. If he dies in the process, so what? He's practically dead already-his heart is dying. He's dying, but if he has his prince then it will be okay. It will.
The dancer lays its head on Demyx's shoulder as they dance and coos some more. Demyx starts humming softly, the song he used to hum for Milo when they danced. The dancer coos along and Demyx smiles fondly. Milo was still there. Milo was still his.
He would keep Milo safe, at whatever cost. Milo was all that mattered, in the end.
6. H is for Hallucinogenic (Roxas/Demyx)
Quiet, quiet, quiet. It's always quiet in the Castle that Never Was and Roxas hates it. The blankness of it all only serves to remind him that he can't remember a damned thing about his Other. Can't remember a damned thing about anything, actually. It's like his brain is a sieve.
So Roxas fucks Demyx to make all the blankness go away. It's the easiest and simplest way he knows to make everything okay for a couple of hours. There are two kinds of blankness to Roxas-there is the blankness of white white noiseless white that is the castle and there is the blissful blankness that comes after he's he's fucked someone (or someone has fucked him, although that is much less frequent). There is a calming feeling-a blissful nothingness-that comes from sex. Roxas knows nothing and feels nothing for those few hours and he is content.
Demyx doesn't mind, doesn't care and won't say anything because he finds the whole thing absolutely delightful. Axel pines after the thing that Demyx holds in his hand and that is just the best piece of irony there could ever be. So Demyx lets Roxas fuck him and doesn't mind it one bit because for a few blissful moments, he is alive. Besides, it's only payback for Axel's stupidity.
When Demyx and Roxas fuck, it's like drugs. It's an addiction that allows for a brief hallucination of life as it should be-or would be, were they still alive. It's like hallucinating feelings-hallucinating things they cannot have. Separately, Demyx and Roxas wonder if taking drugs would even do anything to their bodies. If there's no heart to speed up, what does the drug do? What is its function?
There probably isn't one. There probably isn't a point to any of it-but Roxas still fucking hates the blankness, so if he can fill it with anything anything anything at all, he's happy. Or as close to being happy as he can be, because nobodies can't be happy. They are, as their name suggests, absolutely nothing at all.
----
Postit-Notes: Wheee. These make no sense at all.
Fandom/Pairings: Kingdom Hearts; Roxas/Sora, Axel/Roxas, Demyx/Axel, Milo/Myde, Demyx/dancer!Milo, Roxas/Demyx
Rating: Light R because uh. IDK, sex.
Pre-Notes: Challenge to self? To take a breath. It'll be fun.
Disclaimer: Demyx/Roxas would probably be canon if I owned it.
Summary: So maybe I like Demyx too much. There's other people here too!
----take a breath
“B-R-E-A-T-H spells breath.”
1. B is for Broken (Roxas/Sora)
Sora tastes like salt. Not table-salt, as Roxas is so fond of reminding him, but air-salt. And though he doesn't understand why Roxas does this to him, reminds him of what he is, he craves it. Whatever Roxas wants, Roxas gets. They meld together so so well and it's a shame that this is so wrong.
Not in terms of morality, Sora gave those up a long while ago. No - it was wrong in terms of Roxas. There was something just so deliciously sweet and yet wrong about the fact that his other half - in literal terms - was the one jacking him off. And there was nothing sweet or slow about it. Roxas kissed Sora like he could disappear any moment - which Sora supposed was true - and the sex was always heated.
It was such a contrast to Riku. With Riku, Sora had total control and was in power. There were always saccharine kisses and sweet nothings. If sex with Riku was Vanilla, then Roxas was more of a Mississippi Mud. He was only available in certain places and there were hidden depths to him - not to mention he was patently bad for Sora's health.
Surprisingly, though, it took Riku forever and a day to notice. The only reason he ever noticed was because Sora came home crying once. Riku had intially assumed that it was because of something silly, like Leon taking his ice cream, but he knew that Sora never ever cried like that unless he had his heart broken. Riku would know - he'd broken it more times than he could count. But he hadn't broken it recently.
And from there, it all fell apart. Riku accepted it, until Roxas got selfish. And he was allowed to be so, because he didn't have much else, but Sora couldn't possibly choose. Picking Roxas would mean betraying his boyfriend/best friend/soulmate. Picking Riku would mean betraying himself. And so, Sora cried. Riku held him close but that just made it worse.
The perfect world he had constructed for himself was broken. It was shattered and crushed in a mere moment by Roxas - the only person who could make Sora cry more than Riku.
In the end, Sora chose Roxas. Riku knew, from the very beginning probably, that Sora had to pick Roxas. Blood ran thicker than water, especially to Sora. That didn't make it hurt any less.
2. R is for Remember (Axel/Roxas)
Axel said he'd remember. Roxas, foolishly, didn't believe him. And now here he was, lying in a bed with a guy who he'd known in a previous life that he didn't remember much about besides the fact that he was really good at head. And that he might've burned down a castle or two for Roxas, but hey. What's a little pyromania and gay sex between friends?
Roxas was really not comfortable in this situation. He was sleeping with a complete stranger, as far as he was concerned. Sure, Axel had been his friend but he had never really learned anything about the guy past the fact that he was number 8, he understood Roxas and he liked fire. Roxas vaguely regretted this now that this was the guy who was pounding into him every night.
And he was beginning to remember bits and pieces of what he had left behind. The things that had happened, the shit they had blown up . . . Pretty much all of the good. Some of the bad was creeping into his memory too, but for the most part it was happy. He wasn't sure why he'd left in the first place.
Oh right. The whole I don't know who the fuck I am thing was kinda pressing. Roxas snaked his arms around Axel's waist and nuzzled his shoulder. Axel mumbled a little before turning to face Roxas.
“Something the matter?”
Roxas didn't say anything, he just nuzzled him a little more. Axel turned to stroke Roxas' hair, knowing that Roxas would talk when he was ready. And, after a few minutes of silence, he did.
“You're never ever going to leave, right?”
Axel smiled, “Roxas-baby, I couldn't leave if I wanted to. You're the one that needs me most.”
Roxas hugged Axel close. Even though he hadn't known who he was, if he had known his abandonment issues were going to be this bad, he wouldn't have left at all. At eighteen, nearly nineteen, he shouldn't need a safety blanket. Granted, that safety blanket was a man who was nearly a complete stranger, but it (he?) was still a safety blanket.
There was something very comforting about moments like this, where he could just remember what was good and not what was bad. Because his world spun so so so fast, he needed something to stabilise him. Something to slow down this technicolour world.
3. E is for Effervescent (Demyx/Axel)
Demyx thinks it's funny, that water and fire together make steam. It's such an easy pun to make-such an easy thing to say. Steam. Axel knows this too, it's something they can agree on. Something they can hang onto in the swirl of everything that is Organisation 13. Each other, that is. They hold onto each other. They like each other.
Is like something they can feel? Maybe. Maybe not. Demyx was always good at pretending, though. His other was good at pretending too. Demyx thinks his other was an actor, but he's not sure. The memories are kind of faded now-like photographs that have had orange juice spilled on them, discoloured and barely existing. It's okay, though. Demyx is pretty sure he wouldn't want to remember his past anyway.
Axel (in bed, next to him) him is more pressing, tangible, honest, whatever. There are no words for what Axel is besides fire. So much fire that it's hard not to get burned-but Demyx is water, fluid and ever-changing, so they're okay. They're okay. It's okay. Axel tells him so, anyway. Says things, doesn't mean things, wants things, knows things, cannot hold things.
The things that Axel holds onto generally get burned. Demyx doesn't, because the fire would have to be much hotter than what Axel can produce to burn Demyx. Together, fire and water make steam. It's something Demyx and Axel have agreed on, which is the reason Demyx isn't upset. Well, besides the fact that he can't really be upset.
But he could have pretended when the new kid came and Demyx could feel it-the steam clearing up into nothingness. Axel is drawn to the new kid like a moth to flame-funny, because Axel is the flame itself. Flame drawn to flame, maybe. It doesn't matter, Demyx has learned to find everything funny-because he's water and he can flow wherever the current takes him. Demyx knew that the steam wasn't forever, so he flows with this new current.
Steam isn't anything. You can't hold onto steam-it drifts away into nothingness, thick for a moment, but ultimately nothing. Just like a nobody. Just like a heart.
But nobodies can still laugh, and Demyx laughs when Axel is left behind in the dust by the new kid. It's just funny, that's all-even if it's only funny to him-because the only thing Axel ever wanted to hold had the sense to walk away before it got burned.
4. A is for Atlantis (Milo/Myde)
People tell Milo that it rains in London because of something called the jet stream that intersects England, but Milo knows better. Milo knows it rains in London because Myde controls the rain. When Myde wants it to rain, it rains. That's just the way it's always been and sometimes Milo doesn't even know if Myde realises it. He hardly thinks it matters, though.
Myde is whispering into his ear-soft, sexy nothings that make no sense and all the sense in the world. Milo whispers back-things in languages Myde doesn't know and doesn't care to know but loves all the same. This is how they speak and communicate, heart-to-heart with no regard at all for people outside their world of two. They've constructed the barrier around them carefully and slowly to the point where when they don't want to know about the outside world, they fall into each other and simply exist.
Without thinking, Milo tilts his head back when Myde presses a soft kiss along his jaw. Without speaking, Milo unbuttons Myde's shirt and dumps it to the side of the bed. He thinks he does, anyway. It is a sort of synchronised perfection that is almost muscle memory between them. Myde hums a song-slow and sweet-just for Milo. Milo recites poetry-romantic and unrealistic-just for Myde. Their fingers roam, mapping out dips and curves that are already discovered but beautiful all the same.
And when neither has any words or melodies or thoughts but each other, then they breath in perfect harmony and become one.
In that moment where Milo is Myde and Myde is Milo, Milo thinks that even if he never finds Atlantis, finding Myde is almost better. He'll take Myde over Atlantis any day-absolutely any day. Myde thinks that one day, he'll help Milo find Atlantis and they'll live in Atlantis forever, happy and content. They communicate these thoughts through kisses-like morse code for love.
Dot dash dot dot, dash dash dash, dot dot dot dash, dot. L - O - V - E. This is a telegram from me to you. It's a message about how much I love you.
Outside, on the dismal streets of London, rain falls in a steady rhythm. People trudge along on the sidewalks, miserable and unhappy. Inside, Milo and Myde are tangled together on Milo's bed fast asleep, happy, and content. They dream of Atlantis.
5. T is for Tragic (Demyx/dancer!Milo)
He keeps Milo in his room-like a pet-far away from everyone else's prying eyes. Though he can say very little else about the Organisation, Demyx can say that they at least respect privacy. No one enters his room without permission and so Milo is safe. In the privacy of his own room, Demyx can hold the figure of a dancer close and cry.
The dancer always makes soft cooing noises, like a shadow heartless only very slightly different. Demyx always wonders if it's trying to comfort him or just being a nobody. He likes to think that Milo is still Milo, but he knows better. The dancer is just like any other dancer. It's not special-except it is, because this dancer used to be Milo and Milo means everything everything everything. That's why Milo has to be hidden away where no one can hurt him any more than Demyx already has. So no one can away the very last thing that Demyx has.
Milo is the only thing that keeps him going-keeps him believing that there will be something better tomorrow. The dancer wraps its long arms around Demyx and tries to pull him up, tries to dance with him. Demyx smiles sadly and stands, sweeping the dancer into a waltz. They dance, because they can do little else together. The dancer coos-whether from happiness or general dancer-ness, Demyx doesn't know.
He suspects that no one really understands heartless or nobodies but Vexen and Vexen kind of scares him anyway, so it hardly matters. All that matters is that the dancer wants to dance and Demyx will give anything to Milo, so he'll dance. He'll dance like those twelve princesses from that one story because all he wants is a prince named Milo who tells him he tastes like candied ocean and speaks in languages he doesn't understand. If he dies in the process, so what? He's practically dead already-his heart is dying. He's dying, but if he has his prince then it will be okay. It will.
The dancer lays its head on Demyx's shoulder as they dance and coos some more. Demyx starts humming softly, the song he used to hum for Milo when they danced. The dancer coos along and Demyx smiles fondly. Milo was still there. Milo was still his.
He would keep Milo safe, at whatever cost. Milo was all that mattered, in the end.
6. H is for Hallucinogenic (Roxas/Demyx)
Quiet, quiet, quiet. It's always quiet in the Castle that Never Was and Roxas hates it. The blankness of it all only serves to remind him that he can't remember a damned thing about his Other. Can't remember a damned thing about anything, actually. It's like his brain is a sieve.
So Roxas fucks Demyx to make all the blankness go away. It's the easiest and simplest way he knows to make everything okay for a couple of hours. There are two kinds of blankness to Roxas-there is the blankness of white white noiseless white that is the castle and there is the blissful blankness that comes after he's he's fucked someone (or someone has fucked him, although that is much less frequent). There is a calming feeling-a blissful nothingness-that comes from sex. Roxas knows nothing and feels nothing for those few hours and he is content.
Demyx doesn't mind, doesn't care and won't say anything because he finds the whole thing absolutely delightful. Axel pines after the thing that Demyx holds in his hand and that is just the best piece of irony there could ever be. So Demyx lets Roxas fuck him and doesn't mind it one bit because for a few blissful moments, he is alive. Besides, it's only payback for Axel's stupidity.
When Demyx and Roxas fuck, it's like drugs. It's an addiction that allows for a brief hallucination of life as it should be-or would be, were they still alive. It's like hallucinating feelings-hallucinating things they cannot have. Separately, Demyx and Roxas wonder if taking drugs would even do anything to their bodies. If there's no heart to speed up, what does the drug do? What is its function?
There probably isn't one. There probably isn't a point to any of it-but Roxas still fucking hates the blankness, so if he can fill it with anything anything anything at all, he's happy. Or as close to being happy as he can be, because nobodies can't be happy. They are, as their name suggests, absolutely nothing at all.
----
Postit-Notes: Wheee. These make no sense at all.