[fanfiction] My Chemical Romance
365 Gay Sharks
Day 241, Word Count: 10049
Theme: August; The Dog Days are Over (Apocalypse)
This post is part of the 365 Gay Sharks project. If you would like to learn more about this project, click here to read more about it. :D
My Chemical Romance
(a fountain to spray on your youth)
1.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "Why did you kill them?"
Gerard frowns, "I didn't kill them."
This goes on for days and days and days. Gerard is getting sick of having to repeat himself.
a.
It's not about the killing. It's not about the killing. It's not about the killing. It's not about the killing. It never was about the killing. As far as Gerard's concerned, he didn't kill anyone: he only saved them.
Gerard wishes that someone would understand that.
2.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "What was your relationship with your brother like?"
"I loved him more than anything."
The psychotheranalyst says: "Then why did you kill him?"
Gerard presses his lips into a thin line. "I didn't. How many times do you want me to say that?"
b.
Once upon a time, there was a boy named Gerard who thought that everything would stay wonderful and untarnished forever. Gerard lived in a house with his brother, mother, and grandmother-all of whom he loved very much. He was happy in that house, and he thought that his grandmother and mother would be immortal, thought that nothing could be taken away unless the person had done something bad and needed to be punished. Gerard was very, very wrong about that.
He soon learned that when things got taken away, they sometimes got taken away without rhyme or reason. He learned that you could go to sleep and wake up to a world where everything was different. Everything important could be taken away from you in the blink of an eye and there was nothing you could do to stop it. He learned that life is nothing like a fairy tale. So, because his world was shattered, Gerard adjusted. He turned to black magic and, in the darkest part of himself, looked for the answers that he sought.
And he found them.
thallium.
Gerard doesn't really like going to the comics mixers they sometimes have at conventions, but he doesn't have anything better to do and Mikey always says that it's never a bad thing to network, so he forces himself to go. There are a lot of people, and Gerard is kind of twitchy because he's had one too many cups of coffee and he's not that great with being around so many people to begin with, but you know. Sometimes you have to push your boundaries to find out what you're really capable of.
So he's sitting and doodling on a napkin, trying to calm down and maybe work up the courage to talk to someone, when someone solves his problem by sitting down next to him.
"That looks pretty cool," the person says, "Is that an original character?"
"Yeah. This is Vanya, she's the white violin."
Finishing the line he's drawing, Gerard looks up and nearly shrinks back into himself. Grant Morrison is standing right there and he complimented Gerard and ajgekhyeyuhi. Forcing himself to breathe, Gerard smiles at Grant, who smiles back. It makes Gerard's heart flutter inappropriately.
"I haven't seen you around these before," Grant says, "are you new on the scene?"
"Um," Gerard licks his lips, "yeah. I do The Umbrella Academy, if you've heard of it?"
"Yeah," Grant's flat-out grinning now, "I flipped through it and what I saw was pretty awesome."
It takes a lot of Gerard's willpower not to faint right there. As it is, he blinks at Grant for a while and probably looks kind of ridiculous while he's doing it, but Grant hasn't turned and run in the other direction yet so Gerard takes that as a good sign. He can do this, really.
"Would it be awkward to say I'm a really big fan?"
Or maybe not. Gerard winces internally at his terrible social skills, but Grant just laughs.
"Nah. Hey, you wanna go get a drink or something later?"
3.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "If you didn't kill them, then how do you explain the nine bodies in your basement that were found by your partner, Bert McCracken?"
"They weren't bodies," Gerard sighs, "they were people. You're being disrespectful."
"How do you explain the nine people in your basement, then?"
Gerard closes his eyes, "I saved them."
c.
It starts because Gerard realizes he needs to save Mikey, at any cost. He needs to save Mikey, because otherwise Mikey will leave one day (no matter how many times he promises that he won't leave, because people always leave) and Gerard can't have that. Mikey is a perfect beautiful unflawed brilliant gorgeous creature, and Gerard is never letting that go. Never.
You'd have to pry it from his cold, dead hands.
4.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "How did you save them?"
"People are like fireflies," Gerard says slowly, "they shine very brightly for a little while, and then eventually they start to flicker and fade away. That's the awful part, because everyone wants to keep a firefly forever, right? Having something that beautiful, that bright . . . That's not comparable to anything. So all I did was figure out how to keep them shining. That's what everyone wants, right? They want to shine forever. I gave them that."
There is a long long pause. The psychotheranalyst is writing something down.
"I took good care of them," Gerard whispers, mostly to himself, "I took good care of them, and now we're separated. Who's taking care of them now?"
d.
You can find anything on the internet, if you look hard enough. It's so simple to learn how to do taxidermy that Gerard almost laughs in sheer delight. He suspects that the techniques aren't meant to be used like this, but people sometimes preserve their favorite pets, and really. Really, how is this any different from taking good old Fido and having him made up like a doll? It's not any different, not in the slightest, and once Gerard has Mikey all finished, he dresses up Mikey and sits him down on a chair in the basement. Sometimes Gerard will go down there and tell Mikey stories, long-winded and rambling, but Mikey never says anything back. He just sits there in perfect, unbroken silence.
Gerard doesn't mind. Mikey was never that talkative anyway.
5.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "Why did you save them?"
Gerard stares at a point on the wall, eyes not entirely focused, for a very long time. The psychotheranalyst asks the question again, gently, and suddenly Gerard's eyes snap back into focus and he frowns.
"Isn't it obvious?"
e.
People will do crazy things for love. They'll steal and beg and murder and cheat and lie and twist themselves into whatever they feel will protect that fragile glow called love. This is what people say, this is how people are. No one questions that, and no one goes around asking why Romeo and Juliet killed themselves; they killed themselves for love. They wanted to keep that perfect, amazing thing fresh in their minds forever and they wanted everything to stretch into eternity. Stretch past where they could comprehend. Stretch and stretch and stretch and stretch without snapping or breaking or anything else, because if you have love, you can stretch forever and there's nothing to stop you, not in a million years.
Romeo and Juliet couldn't bear the thought of losing what they had to forces that wanted to keep them apart, and Gerard's really not any different, so Gerard saved the people he loved best. He saved them, one by one, and he hopes they'll save him in return.
doll's eye berries.
Gerard spends a lot of time by himself, locked away in his own little world where the rest of the world that's broken and harmful doesn't exist. Mikey's usually okay with that, but every once in a while Mikey will tell Gerard that he spends too much time indoors and that Gerard should go out and meet people, make friends. Gerard always tells Mikey that it's okay, really he's fine, but Mikey always insists, so that's how Gerard ends up bumping into Pete at a club.
Pete is one of Mikey's friends from way back, but he moved or stopped hanging out with Mikey or something. Gerard's not sure of the particulars, never really cared about the particulars, but Pete recognizes him-which is kind of weird. Most of Mikey's friends don't recognize Gerard, Mikey's freaky older brother, especially not the ones that Gerard barely remembers the names of and probably only met once or twice.
The ones who do recognize him always ask him how's Mikey doing? and Gerard always shrugs and gives them a noncommital he's doing fine. It's like they're programmed to ask but they don't really care about the answer because the question is just a formality. Just an icebreaker. Pete, though. Pete doesn't even bother with the formalities, he just drags Gerard to the bar and is going to buy him a drink when Gerard explains that he doesn't drink (anymore). Pete raises an eyebrow at that, but just shrugs.
In the end, Pete buys him a ridiculous, fruity, virgin drink that tastes like sugar and food coloring because it was either that or a watery cup of coke and Gerard would rather drink piss than watery Coke. Pete also orders one for himself out of solidarity, and Gerard tries his hardest not to find it ridiculously charming, but it's hard. He finds himself laughing at Pete's dumb jokes and dancing with him, their bodies pressed close, and kissing him.
"You trying to get into my pants, Way?"
Gerard raises an eyebrow, "You use that line on my brother, Wentz?"
"Probably."
It doesn't surprise Gerard that Pete did, and it wouldn't surprise him if Mikey took Pete up on his offer. The thing about Mikey is that it's not exactly that he sleeps around, it's that if he likes someone then he lets them get away with a lot more than they should be able to get away with. Sometimes, Gerard thinks that Mikey picked that bad habit up from him, because he just presses his lips to Pete's pulse and tries not to think I could save you. It's too early for that.
Gerard feels like he's floating, feels a little drunk even though he knows that he isn't, and feels like he's slipping into a more adventurous, more outgoing him. Apparently he says that out loud, though, because Pete buries his face in Gerard's shoulder and laughs. When Pete laughs, it sort of sounds like a hyena, and Gerard shouldn't find that endearing either, but he's smiling against Pete's pulse anyways.
Yeah, Mikey definitely picked up the habit from him.
6.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "Why did you save them?"
Gerard sighs, "Because I loved them and they needed saving."
"Why did they need saving?"
"Everyone needs saving," Gerard traces a circle onto the tabletop with the tip of his finger, "isn't that what religion is all about? Saving the lost souls."
f.
Everyone needs saving, because everyone will die. There's no avoiding that, no matter how much science advances, because people need to die. The world can't function if everyone is immortal, because the world isn't built to handle that. Gerard knows that everyone has to die, so that's why he saves them. He saves them because the world is a gritty, awful place and if he can spare them from the horrors that it holds, then that's all he wants. He saves them because he likes them too much to let them suffer. The poisons made them suffer, a little, but it was nothing compared to the prolonged suffering that people call life. Antifreeze is sweet. Death cap mushrooms don't taste bad. The other things he used didn't taste that bad either. Gerard did his research. He didn't want them to suffer too much more than they had to.
He just wanted them to stay young and beautiful forever. What's wrong with that?
7.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You used different poisons for each person. Why?"
"You're asking stupid questions," Gerard sighs, "Why would I paint the exact same painting six times? I saved each of them the way they should have been saved."
"They found quite a selection of poisonous plants in your house when they searched it."
Gerard laughs, "It isn't illegal to have any of those. Do you know how easy it is to get certain poisonous plants? Oleander is widely used in landscaping, they plant it near schools, and it's one of the most poisonous plants in the world. You can get it at Home Depot."
The psychotheranalyst makes a patronizing, encouraging noise. "Is it?"
"Yes," Gerard folds his hands together and leans forward onto the table, "Do you know how I learned all of this? The internet. It's not like I did a whole lot of research either-just a couple search terms or a quick trip to Wikipedia and you have your answers. That's all. Anyone can be a serial killer if they just search enough."
g.
When you give people all the tools to figure out how to murder people, when you expose them to all the images and video and fictional scenes of murder and violence and everything like that? It's like you're asking to turn people into serial killers. The Internet is such a wealth of information. You can find anything if you search hard enough, anything at all. There's a list of poisonous plants on Wikipedia, there's an article on the history of poisons, there's extensive information on famous murderers and what they did wrong. It's all right there, and it's not hard to get. It's not hard at all. Twenty minutes, and you've got everything you need. You've ordered the oleander, foxglove, belladonna, thallium, whatever, because you can order anything on the internet now. Amazon sells uranium. Uranium.
Gerard thinks that it's a wonder there aren't more serial killers.
black mamba snake bite.
Gabe is one of Gerard's oldest friends. Gerard remembers going out with Mikey to see Gabe's band play and sneaking backstage to congratulate Gabe, drunk and probably with contact high. He remembers dancing with Gabe and hooking up with Gabe when Mikey wasn't. He remembers Gabe always being a good time, always knowing how to have fun. Always being the life of whatever party they were at. He remembers the way that Gabe was always surrounded by girls and the way that Gabe never discriminated between guys and girls.
He remembers the way that Gabe was up for anything, the way that Gabe would try anything once. It was one of the things Gerard liked best about him. He wished that he had that kind of courage, that bravado. That confidence in himself other people could feel radiating from you, so that they knew you could handle anything that got thrown at them.
Gerard remembers thinking that as much as he wished he had that, though, Gabe was needlessly reckless. That's the one thing Gerard remembers most clearly.
There are lots of the things that Gerard remembers about Gabe that are smaller too, like the way Gabe's tongue curled around certain words. The way that his mouth quirked up just so when he smiled. Gerard remembers this and he remembers that about Gabe, sometimes smiling for no real reason when he remembers something at random because Gabe is the kind of person you remember, Gabe is not the kind of person you forget.
At least, that's why Gerard never forgets him. Gerard doesn't forget Gabe even when they drift out of contact and Gerard hasn't seen Gabe in a while. When Gabe isn't there, Gerard doesn't forget because he can remember Gabe almost as vividly as he actually is. He remembers Gabe's stupid laugh, his stupid smile. He remembers until Gabe is there in the flesh and Gerard doesn't have to remember anymore. Still, though.
He remembers running into Gabe by chance and smiling for the first time in a while, remembers that being with Gabe again had been easy and fun and a lot of things. He remembers that Gabe was careless with the snakes because he thought that he was above that, thought that he could speak to the snakes. He remembers.
8.
The psychotheranalyst says: "How did you obtain the thallium?"
"I ordered it off the internet," Gerard shrugs, "You can get anything on the internet these days. Did you know that homeopathic stores sell a ridiculous amount of terribly poisonous things? They sell snake venom. It's diluted down, of course, but still."
Making some notation, the psychotheranalyst says: "I didn't know that. You killed Gabe Saporta via snakebite, didn't you?"
"No," Gerard sighs, "Gabe killed himself. He was something of a snake collector, owned a Black Mamba that got set loose and bit him. I didn't administer the antivenom in time."
There's a shocked silence, and the psychotheranalyst makes eye contact for the first time that day. Gerard just stares back at her, waiting for her shock to pass.
The psychotheranalyst says: "How did he get a Black Mamba?"
"You can own them if you have a permit," Gerard leans back in his chair, "It's not that hard to get a deadly snake if you have a permit, and Gabe had a permit. There aren't any regulations on importing poisonous snakes, most of them aren't on the endangered species list and they're quite popular as pets, but you can't tame something as wild as that. I wasn't going to kill him at all, but then he was dead so I saved him."
h.
Gerard took a taxidermy class. He took a taxidermy class from some redneck, and he took anatomy in art school so it isn't that hard to apply the taxidermy skills he's learned to people. There's a history of tanning human skin, actually. People used to bind books in human skin; Harvard has some books bound in human skin. All good libraries do, actually, but that's not the point. The point is that taxidermy is an art, like so many other things, and Gerard is an artist. Always was an artist, even before he realized that everyone fades away, drops out of contact, dies, and if you want to save them then you have to preserve them. Gerard thinks that it's a shame more people don't learn how to save their loved ones. It's very easy to learn.
You can learn anything, if you have the patience for it. That's all it takes, patience.
belladonna berries.
Lyn-Z is in one of Gerard's painting classes. He knows her by sight, but he's never spoken to her because he doesn't really talk to people while he's painting. She passes by his easel one day, though, and stops to stare at what he's painting. Gerard actually doesn't notice her staring until she walks over and leans in ridiculously close.
"This is really cool . . . Are you painting zombie fruit?"
Gerard nearly drops his brush when Lyn-Z speaks, but he just manages not to get cadmium red all over himself which. Good, because it's bad for you, and it tends to make your tongue numb. When he's set his brush down, he looks at his painting and huh. It actually does look like he's painting zombie fruit. He had been going for vampire fruit, after that one really silly legend, but he's made them a little more zombie in the process somehow.
"I guess so," Gerard says slowly, "They were supposed to be vampire fruit-you know, left out on a full moon and now bloodsucking-but I made them zombies somehow."
She grins, beautiful and disarming, "Funny how that happens, isn't it?"
Gerard grins back, "Yeah."
There are people, Gerard has discovered, who don't understand how sometimes paintings get away from you and you end up with something other than what you were actually expecting. Gerard always likes the people who understand his problems better, so he smiles back at this girl and almost holds out a hand before he remembers that a) he's wearing latex gloves so he doesn't get noxious chemicals on his skin and b) his hands are pretty much covered in paint. It's one of the dangers of impasto or whatever.
"I'm Gerard," he says instead, "I don't think I've talked to you before."
"Lyn-Z," she says, "and it's really a shame that we haven't."
As much of a hopeless romantic as Gerard is, he doesn't fall in love with Lyn-Z at first sight. Mostly it's because he usually thinks of girls in terms of friend and it takes him a good long while to realize that he's actually attracted to her, because it happens so rarely.
Luckily, she's attracted back.
9.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Tell me about Lindsey."
"What do you want to know about Lyn-Z?"
"Why did you save her? She's the only girl you saved."
"I saved her because I loved her," Gerard frowns, "why would I have saved her for any other reason? That's kind of presumptuous of you, assuming that I only like men. I like women too, I just like fewer of them. Lyn-Z was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and no one appreciated her but me. I was the only one who saw how beautiful she was."
i.
To be completely honest, Gerard wishes that people would stop calling him cruel. He isn't in the least bit cruel, because he took good care of them. He cleaned them and kept them dust-free and touched them up if they needed it. He took good care of them. Gerard isn't very happy with the fact that they're probably not being taken care of now that he's been separated from them. In fact, they're probably being violated. Torn up by a coroner and and then buried like that without a second thought to their rights as human beings. It's not right. They're still alive, all Gerard did was free them from their mortal bodies.
Besides, he didn't do anything that a mortician wouldn't do. In fact, he probably did it better than any mortician, and his work wasn't sent away to rot underground. That was nice, because you can't undo tanning. His work would always stay the way he intended it. They would always be perfect and beautiful.
Gerard just wishes he could see them again. He misses them.
10.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You went to art school."
Gerard traces nonsense patterns onto the table, not looking up, "Yes."
"What did you study?"
"Painting. Drawing. Cartooning. Color theory. Lots of things, art is interdisciplinary."
"What sort of art do you do?"
"Pen and ink drawings, sometimes sculpture," Gerard looks up at the psychotheranalyst, "Don't you already know this? You searched the house, you should have seen my work. It's how I tend to make my living."
"You have a very interesting style."
Gerard snorts, "You sound like a floundering freshman during a critique."
j.
In another universe, Gerard saves people differently. He saves them through song, through sending his message in poetry to hundreds of thousands of people. Sometimes he dreams about that world, the one where he doesn't have to sit through endless questioning sessions, and he's not sure that he likes it better. He's not sure that, if the other him understood the world as it actually is, his alternate self could be as happy as he is. You can't change the world because everyone dies. You can't protect anyone from death.
The best you can do is save them, because the truth of the world is that everything dies.
11.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Hello, Gerard. Do you know why you're here?"
Gerard doesn't answer. He just stares at the wall and tries not to focus on the overwhelming sadness that's lurking just underneath his skin. Tries not to think too hard about the fact that they took everything he loved away just because they didn't understand.
"Gerard," the psychotheranalyst says, "do you understand me?"
"Yes," Gerard says, not making eye contact, "I understand you."
"Do you know why you're here, Gerard?"
Gerard finally looks at the psychotheranalyst, lips curving into a smirk, "Because I'm going to be put on trial soon and you want to make sure I'm not crazy, I'd assume."
k.
There's some sort of poetry in what Gerard did, maybe. Maybe not. Gerard thinks it would probably depend on who you asked and what you told them. If you told them the right things, explained it correctly, people would probably understand the poetry in what Gerard did. He knows that not everyone understands his work, understands that he's not evil. He knows not everyone understands how he kept it a "secret" for so long, but the truth is that he never really kept it a secret. He'd just tell people not to go down into the basement because the stairs were a little rotted and he didn't want them hurting themselves. He'd just slip the poisons into their food and drink and smooth their hair back while they writhed. He'd just say that his brother was someplace better now and never elaborate. He'd just ask them to stay forever.
It's amazing how little people will pry when they think you're a little touched in the head.
death cap mushroom.
Brian is a business major.
This fact is important, because Gerard probably shouldn't have ever met Brian but he did because he bumped into Brian at the comics store. Gerard tended to be a bit of a fixture, so he had seen Brian maybe once or twice before. It's just that Gerard had never talked to him, so he's a little surprised when the guy taps him on the shoulder.
"Hey," he says, "you look like you know your stuff. Can you explain this 'Ultimates' thing to me? I don't really understand what's going on."
It was a valid question, in Gerard's opinion. He's pretty sure that Brian wasn't expecting such an enthusiastic and hand-motion heavy explanation of the question, though. Which, since Gerard wasn't expecting Brian to ask him out for coffee to talk more, is a perfectly okay thing with Gerard. Brian's pretty fun to talk to, and the topic shifts from Ultimates to Marvel in general and then they're just talking about comics, which is something no one does with Gerard anymore because he's too hardcore or something.
That doesn't seem to bother Brian. He just asks for clarification when he doesn't get something and lets Gerard ramble as long as he wants until he's checking his watch and is that really the time? Gerard shrinks back into himself then, thinking that this is just a one-time deal, but Brian smiles at him and asks for his number.
He hands over his phone, and Gerard quickly programs his number into the phone before handing it back. Brian waves goodbye then, and Gerard waves goodbye too. He's smiling, and his smile only gets bigger when he gets a text a little later.
The text says: this is brian
hi brian, Gerard texts back, this is g
A couple minutes later: thx 4 talking 2 me 2day
ur welcome, Gerard texts back, netime
12.
The psychotheranalyst says: "How did you meet Grant?"
Gerard shrugs, "It was at a comics mixer. I admired his work and he admired mine, then we started talking and we had a lot in common."
"Were you dating?"
"Not at first," Gerard rolls his eyes, "Do you date people you've just met?"
"That wasn't," the psychotheranalyst says calmly, "the question I was asking you."
Gerard raises an eyebrow, "Then maybe you should start asking more specific questions. I can't answer your questions if I don't understand what I'm being asked."
l.
Lizzie Borden took an axe
and gave her mother forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done,
she gave her father forty-one.
The inaccuracy of a children's rhyme probably shouldn't bother him as much as it does, but the devil's in the details. No one ever gets the details correct, and Gerard suspects that no one is getting the details about him correct either. They probably have little soundbites: I saved them. or Anyone can be a serial killer if they just search enough. that are taken out of context and used to paint him as crazy, deranged, a menace to society. Gerard doesn't think that's fair. Husbands are beating their wives, oil is spilling into the oceans, men are raping women, the world is warming up, people are blowing each other into smithereens with machines guns, and they're worried about Gerard.
It's not like he would hurt anyone he didn't really, truly love.
It's not like he tortured and killed small animals.
It's not like he had fun.
He did it because he had to. Gerard had to keep them safe at all costs, and he had to keep them young and beautiful. He had to keep them the way that they should be remembered, that they wanted to be remembered. He didn't want them to get sick and old and die. This way was better. This way they'd never progress past the perfect memory Gerard had of them. They'd never change into something ugly and unrecognizable.
They would be perfect.
13.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Tell me about the scrapbook."
Gerard raises an eyebrow, "Is it a crime to have a scrapbook?"
"No," the psychotheranalyst says, "I'd just like you to tell me a little bit more about it."
"It's a way to preserve my memories of the people that I love best," Gerard sighs, "just like it is for anyone else. It's not a trophy, if that's what you're asking. It's not some sick, perverted porn, either. It's just a regular old scrapbook. You'd know that if you looked at it."
m.
Gerard finds it funny that everyone wants to know what makes people tick. What makes people so crazy insane deranged abnormal deviant. What makes people different from them, what makes people into who they are. They're not satisfied with simple answers, either, because it's like high school English all over again with the but what does it mean? and the it's a symbol for nonsense that fills of the brains of every kid and follows them around for life. Gerard suspects it's that training that makes everyone try to pry answers that don't exist out of him.
They think that Gerard must have done everything he did for some singular, universal reason. He must have some sort of deep, dark reason based in childhood trauma for killing people. His parents didn't hug him enough. He was envious of his brother. He had an erectile dysfunction. He was insecure.
They're all missing the point.
14.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Describe your childhood."
"Saturday morning cartoons, waffles, and video games."
The psychotheranalyst seems to be waiting for something. Gerard doesn't know what she wants, so he waits. The second hand on the clock tick tick ticks. The psychotheranalyst clears her throat.
"What was your relationship with your mother like?"
"My mother was my hero. I miss her."
n.
When you put a person in the ground, you can't see them anymore. You can't talk to them, you can't ask them for advice, and you can't hug them. Gerard supposes that's why people cremate their relatives and put them into jars that they keep on their mantles, but he'd feel weird talking to an urn. Urns are heavy, and they get cold. It's uncomfortable to hug them. Same with gravestones, Gerard knows, because he spent the better part of a year kneeling in front of his mother's grave and whispering to her gravestone. Hugging it and trying to remember what his mother's arms being wrapped around him felt like.
It's just not the same.
iron poisoning.
One of the times that Gerard and Mikey are backstage chatting with Gabe, the drum tech brushes by and Gabe pulls him over to introduce him to Gerard and Mikey.
"This is Bob," Gabe says, "he's cool people."
"Hey," Bob says.
"Hey," Mikey says.
That would be the end of it, except Gerard and Mikey keep running into Bob and they sort-of become friends with him. He is, as Gabe said, good people, and he even sometimes gets them into shows. Mostly Gerard likes him because he likes TMNT and he's got this weird, flat sense of humor that always takes a second to sink in. It reminds Gerard a lot of Mikey, so he finds himself grinning and laughing at Bob's jokes more than he probably should.
Then again, Gerard pretty much likes anyone who reminds him of Mikey a lot more than he should. It's an almost Pavlovian reaction in Gerard, and he's never tried to stop it because it doesn't seem like a bad thing. Gerard likes Mikey more than, say, seventy-five percent of the population so he doesn't see anything wrong with seeking out people like Mikey to be friends with. That's normal, right? People do it all the time.
Bob always just nods whenever Gerard starts rambling, which he tries not to do that often. He never seems to get annoyed with Gerard and Gerard likes him a lot, so he's not sure it's actually a surprise when they try dating. There aren't too many people in Gerard's life, and he gets lonely sometimes. Gerard can see that Bob gets lonely too, can see that this is good for the both of them-at least for the moment.
It's not really the kind of relationship that lasts forever, Gerard thinks, but it's the kind that people fall into because they're lonely and they like someone enough to be around them for a while. You go out on a couple date, fuck a lot, and six months later you both move on to other, better things. It's just a way of releasing steam and eradicating the loneliness that always seems to creep into life when you least expect it. That's just how it is.
Gerard keeps telling himself that, anyway, keeps reminding himself that it's not meant to last and it's not going to, but he still falls in love with Bob even though he shouldn't.
Still. There are worse things that could happen-falling in love doesn't even make the top ten.
15.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You kept their hearts."
"Well of course," Gerard frowns, "They gave them to me. I said I'd protect them, and I keep my promises to the best of my ability. It's not my fault that some stranger has probably manhandled them for testing and then dumped them into the trash. Honestly, would you treat your mother that way?"
o.
On the whole, Gerard finds that people think of themselves as fundamentally nice. They think they're something other than selfish, awful, and dark. They think that bad people, the monsters like Gerard that they put into children's closets, are so removed from themselves because it's a way of saying I could never be him and assuring themselves that monsters aren't real.
Gerard thinks that's bullshit.
Everyone has the capacity to become a monster and could be a monster if the right things happened to them. Gerard'll be the first to admit that maybe what he did was more than a little selfish. Yes, he saved the people that he loved, but the reason he saved them was entirely and wholly selfish. Gerard doesn't think doing nice things for selfish reasons makes you a good person, it just makes you human and Gerard's never pretended to be anything but human. There's nothing wrong with having an ulterior motive, with saving his loved ones because he selfishly wanted to keep them close forever.
Everyone has ulterior motives, Gerard just thinks that maybe he's a little more open about his.
16.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Why did no one report any of the people you 'saved' as missing?"
Gerard doesn't need to be a genius to see the air quotes that the psychotheranalyst is putting around the word saved. He chooses to ignore that.
"That's not a question I know the answer to," Gerard shakes his head, "but if you're asking my opinion, it's because no one but me cared about them. Don't you see? No, of course you don't. That's the reason why I'm here in the first place, because no one understands that I am not the monster under your bed: I'm the monster you could have become."
There's a scritch-scritch of the psychotheranalyst's pen, and Gerard leans forward on the table. His eyes are bright, shining.
"Do you want to know the difference between the monster you could have become and me?"
After a second of silence, the psychotheranalyst finally seems to understand that Gerard actually wants a response from her, which is a little ridiculous. It isn't as if he's going to bother talking to someone who isn't interested, that would be rude.
"Do tell."
"The difference," Gerard says, "is that when I say I loved them, I mean it."
p.
There are so many ways that Gerard could be worse.
Sometimes he contemplates saying that, because he wonders if they think about that. He could have abused children, could have done what he did and taken perverse joy in it, could have tortured them, could have hacked them into tiny pieces, could have tossed them into a river, could have abused the trust they placed in him, could have raped them, could have locked them into a room and starved them, could have done so many more things than he actually did. Gerard suspects that no one gives a shit, because they think he's a sick bastard and he deserves to rot and all those other things that get yelled at him when he's moved from the courtroom. Sometimes it's crying mothers, and that always makes Gerard want to yell back.
At least I loved them.
At least I knew where they were.
At least I kept all my promises to them.
At least I cared enough to keep them safe from the world.
At least I never abandoned them.
At least I talked to them.
At least I don't pretend to be sorry.
But Gerard never does yell back, because it's pointless. The crying mothers have the upper hand, because Gerard is the one in orange, and Gerard is the one that took their precious baby away except for how he didn't. That implies that the crying mothers actually gave a fuck about their children, but it's not like any of them gave a shit, because if they had given a shit then they would have reported their children missing. They would have called and called until they got an answer. They would have shown up on Gerard's doorstep and demanded answers. They would be crying actual tears instead of pretty, fake, Hollywood tears. They would be in this for something other than money and screen time.
17.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Is there anything you regret?"
Gerard shrugs and says, "Watching the Star Wars Christmas special."
There's a very long, awkward silence and the psychotheranalyst is staring at Gerard. She's waiting for him to give an actual answer, he knows, and he sighs.
"If you're asking about what I did," Gerard traces his fingers in a meaningless pattern along the table, "then no. There's not really anything I regret about that. I did what I had to do."
q.
Sometimes, on bad days, Gerard sits in the basement and just hugs Mikey to him. He tells Mikey about all the ways that the world is horrible and all the reasons that Gerard doesn't want to live in it anymore, and Mikey just says that the world needs Gerard to make it better, Gerard needs to keep living.
Mikey's right, Gerard knows, but sometimes it's hard. When he's ready to face the world again-or sometimes while he's getting there-he cleans up the people he's saved, righting their clothes and dusting them off to keep them clean. He tells them about his day and he tells them he loves them all before he says see you again soon and turns out the basement lights so that they don't waste away into nothing.
Taking care of the people he's saved is like taking care of old, yellowed books. He shouldn't keep them in the basement, he knows, because it tends to be cold and damp and no one wants to deal with that, but it's the only place that people aren't likely to go. He tries to make it comfortable for them, has a dehumidifier and everything, but he knows that he could do better.
It's just too risky otherwise, though.
oleander.
Gerard only meets Frank because Mikey knows Frank.
Mikey brings Frank over and they hang out with Gerard, because Mikey always drags Gerard into meeting his friends and Frank is, like, ridiculously attractive so Gerard tries not to stumble over his words too much and tries not to make a fool of himself. Frank doesn't seem to think Gerard is too weird, though, because he laughs at all of Gerard's jokes and he even sort-of gets some of the weird in-jokes between Mikey and Gerard, which is always a plus. Jokes just aren't as funny when you have to explain them and sometimes you just had to have been there to get the proper effect.
Basically, Mikey makes Gerard interact with another actual human being who isn't related to them (or Ray) for an extended period of time and Gerard frets a lot but it goes pretty smoothly. Well, despite it being really awkward at first (it got better!).
That's pretty much how Gerard's first meeting with most people goes, though, so it's not weird to him that Mikey introduces Gerard to Frank and then, when Frank's gone and it's just the two of them sitting around, Mikey bumps his shoulder to Gerard's and says you like him, huh? Gerard doesn't say anything to that, just rolls his eyes and says something about how it would be dumb to like someone you only hung out with for a couple hours, but Mikey is an all-knowing bastard and he knows that Gerard does anyway.
Still, Frank isn't even out of high school yet and Gerard would feel bad hooking up with him. Mikey is Mikey, though, and he just raises an eyebrow at all of Gerard's rambling, vague concerns because they don't mean anything to him and Gerard knows it. When Gerard doesn't have anything else to say, Mikey smiles.
"So you'll ask him out, right? Here, gimme your phone and I'll give you his number."
Gerard isn't ready to admit defeat yet, though, and there's a scuffle. Mikey (unsurprisingly) emerges victorious and quickly taps something into Gerard's phone before he hands the phone back to Gerard. Gerard just stares at it dumbly once's Mikey's given it back. He knows that he just has to text Frank or whatever and that'll get the ball rolling, but he can't quite bring himself to do it just yet. Mikey's always been better at interacting with people than him. He got all the magic people skill genes and Gerard got all the awkward turtle ones.
Finally, Gerard opens up a new text message and runs his fingers over the keys before he sends Frank a text that says hey its g mikeys bro. It's a while later, when he's sketching out something that might be a superhero, that his phone buzzes and he's got a text reading yo g what up?. It makes him smile, and Gerard thinks that okay. Sometimes Mikey does what he thinks is best for his brother or whatever and Gerard is okay with that.
nm, Gerard texts back, u?
18.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Is this a game to you?"
"Not really," Gerard shrugs, "that sort of implies that it's fun. This is mostly tedious. You don't understand me and you're trying so hard but it's just not working."
"I'm trying to help you, Gerard."
"So you say."
r.
Everyone is saying that they just want to help. Gerard is always suspicious of such statements, because every time someone tells him they want to "help," what that really means is I want to make you normal and that's something that Gerard doesn't want. If he was normal, then he'd be just like everyone else who couldn't see how fucked up the world is and why people have to be saved, have to be helped because they can't help themselves. Normalcy is overrated, and Gerard wouldn't trade what he has, what he's done, for a sense of belonging or community or whatever else being "normal" and accepting pitying offers of help will get him. That would be akin to selling out, to trading his beliefs and morals in for mediocrity.
Gerard shouldn't have to compromise who he is to fit in. That's fucking ridiculous.
19.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Gerard."
It's a call for his attention, Gerard knows, but he continues tracing a drawing onto the table and doesn't look up. There isn't really any point in cooperating. He knows that she's sick of him and he's sick of her, so whatever. Gerard gives up. He'll go to jail, and that'll be where he spends the rest of his life.
"Gerard," the psychotheranalyst repeats, "I asked you a question."
"I know," he says, "I'm choosing not to answer."
"That's not how this works, Gerard. You know that."
Gerard looks up, "I don't have to talk to you if I don't want to. And I don't want to."
There's a heavy sigh from the psychotheranalyst, and Gerard can see her gathering up her things.
"Then we're done for the day. I'll be back tomorrow."
"Whatever."
s.
They let Gerard have a sketch pad and charcoals. He's not sure why they let him have it, but they do and Gerard really doesn't care that much about their motives. Sure, charcoal isn't his favorite medium but it's fine if that's all they're going to give him. He can work with charcoal, so Gerard draws, when he's not in session with the psychotheranalyst. He draws Mikey and Ray and Frank and Brian and Bob and Lyn-Z and Pete and Gabe and Grant over and over and over again, trying not to forget their faces and their smiles, trying to not forget the way they sounded, what made them laugh.
There is nothing creepy about the drawings, but his psychotheranalyst seems to be intrigued by them. She seems to think that they symbolize him being sorry, repentant, for what he's done. Gerard thinks it's laughable how little she actually understands him. It has nothing to do with being sorry, unless he's being sorry for them having been taken away from him. He's sorry for that, truly he is, but he's not sorry for anything else because he shouldn't be. It was better for them in the long run, what he did, and he still believes that. He believes that and he will continue to believe that because that's all he has now. That's the only thing keeping him from snapping in two, and he's got to be allowed a tiny shred of happiness. Right?
Well, no. Not according to most people, anyway. According to most people Gerard should be sentenced to death so they can sleep at night knowing that monsters aren't real and there's nothing hiding under their bed, waiting to destroy them. There's nothing in their closet waiting to strike. There's nothing knocking at their window.
There's nothing inside them, waiting to take over.
20.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You weren't dating Ray."
"No," Gerard says, "it doesn't mean I didn't love him."
"Was this an unrequited love, then?"
Gerard stares blankly at her for a moment before putting his fingers to his temples and muttering. She waits, and Gerard takes a deep breath before looking up again.
"Ray was my friend. What is it with you and making weird assumptions?"
"You set a precedent, I'm just making sure of the facts."
"I don't want to talk to you anymore."
t.
People get old. People die. People decay. People fade away until they're nothing more than bones in the ground or dust in the wind. That's the part that's shit, right there. You have something beautiful and perfect and pure, right? You've got something that shines brighter than any star you've ever seen and it totally blinds you, totally takes you by surprise, and you want to hoard it. Like a firefly, like something you can catch and keep in your hand forever and ever and ever.
Some people never figure out how to catch fireflies. Gerard did.
21.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Are you okay?"
Gerard laughs, "Isn't it your job to tell me the answer to that question?"
u.
Half a cup of antifreeze. Some digitalis in a salad. Oleander in the tea. Iron crushed into the food. A simple stir-fry with Death Cap mushroom. Belladonna-stuffed olives in a salad. An accidental snake bite. Doll's Eye berries mixed into a shake. Tea, with just a touch of thallium.
That's all it took.
It shouldn't have been so simple.
Why was it so simple?
22.
The psychotheranalyst says: "People all die."
"I know," Gerard says back, "That's why I save them."
"Won't you die?"
"Eventually," Gerard folds in on himself, "and no one is going to save me, but it doesn't matter. No one knows what happens when you die, but I'll have them. That's all I wanted, you know. I just didn't want to be alone."
v.
Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Gerard doesn't remember where he read it or who's meant to have said it, but he remembers it. The phrase seems particularly poignant now that everyone thinks he's a monster and he knows he's just human. Maybe what he did was wrong. Maybe it wasn't. That's not what anyone really cares about. They only care about pressing judgment onto other people.
You're guilty.
You're ugly.
You're mean.
The reason it hurts, Gerard thinks, is that what they teach you as a child is wrong. It's not that a person is made of rubber or glue, but that everyone is made of glue and everything they hear or read or see or taste or touch or smell then sticks to them and becomes part of who they are. You can't get rid of the sharp things that people say, because they're stuck to you. The only thing you can hope for is that more things, good things, will stick to you and cover up the imperfections made by sharp words.
Goodness is hard to come by nowadays, though.
foxglove.
For most intents and purposes, Gerard only has two friends: he has Mikey and he has Ray. He's never needed anyone closer and yes, he has quite a few acquaintances of varying levels, but there's mostly just him, Mikey and Ray. Ray is the only friend that Gerard's ever made himself, which is a pretty exciting and cool thing.
He went over to Ray, because Ray had Magic cards and Gerard had never seen anyone at his school with Magic cards so it was exciting and Gerard was talking to Ray before he really had any idea what he was doing which kind of caused him to freak out for a little while but it all turned out okay.
Ray is cool people, and Gerard feels like Ray is the most easy-going person that Gerard knows. He brought Ray home and introduced him to Mikey, leaning in close to whisper that he made a friend into Mikey's ear, and Ray just blinks and then smiles.
"Hey," he says, "I'm Ray, it's nice to meet you Mikey."
Mikey raises an eyebrow, "Nice to meet you too. Do you play Magic?"
"A little," Ray says, "but I'd be happy to learn more."
There's a long pause where Gerard holds his breath, and then Mikey smiles so Gerard knows that Ray is okay and there's nothing Ray can do that would make Gerard give him up and he can breathe. Gerard would have been very confused if Mikey didn't like Ray, though-especially since Ray seems to be excited about their comic book collection and excited to play D&D with them and excited to be friends with them in general. Gerard's never had a friend like that, so the experience is new, novel. It never stops exciting him that Ray has chosen to be friends with them, has chosen to be a loser just like them, and Gerard's not sure that feeling will ever go away.
It feels like accomplishment, kind of, only it really just feels like Gerard's just eaten something amazing and there's the warm joy spreading throughout him. Except that sounds kind of creepy so maybe not. Whatever. It's just a really awesome feeling and Gerard doesn't ever want it to go away.
Gerard's not even sure that he could handle if Ray ever decided to actually become the crazy-awesome person Gerard knows he could be. He thinks that he'd try to be happy for Ray, because you should always be happy for people and people's happiness is the thing that's most important in life or whatever, but secretly he'd be really sad. Or maybe angry.
Then again, Gerard doesn't know if he could ever really be mad at Ray. He doesn't really want to find out if he can, though.
23.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Define love."
"That's a dumb question."
"Humor me."
Gerard doesn't know if the psychotheranalyst is really in a position to be making requests like that, but she's the one with a clipboard and he's the one cuffed to the table. There's a definite power imbalance there.
"Love," Gerard says finally, "is something you'll do anything, even the worst thing, for. Love is what makes people into monsters-or doesn't, depending. Harry Potter was saved because of love, Romeo and Juliet died for it. It's a complicated thing. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," she says carefully, "thank you."
w.
Sometimes the only thing that a person can do is move forward through what's ahead for them and try not to stop for fear that they might be stopped forever and not make anything of themselves which seems to be the problem with a lot of people now-it's like they've all stopped and they're just repeating the same motions over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
until they stop.
24.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You don't seem nervous."
"You don't move forward if you're nervous. You just stay in the same place, and I don't want to do that."
x.
He's not sorry.
He's not.
. . . Most of the time.
25.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You know what's going to happen to you, don't you?"
"Maybe," Gerard says, "but I'm no Doctor Manhattan."
y.
There are many different ways to be sorry. You can be sorry something happened, sorry something didn't, sorry something won't, sorry something could, sorry something should, and sorry for everything-just to name a few. Gerard knows the differences between them, he thinks, and he's absolutely sure that he's not most kinds of sorry about what he did. He's only one kind of sorry out of many, which is not very sorry at all in the grand scheme of things to be honest.
But he is sorry that it had to happen the way it did.
There was just no helping it.
26.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Goodbye, Gerard."
Gerard doesn't say anything, because it isn't a good bye. It's a bad one.
z.
The boy named Gerard practiced dark magic and began to rearrange his world so it suited him once more. It took him a long time to put all the pieces where they were supposed to be and save everything that needed to be saved, but Gerard did it. He worked very hard, not realizing that the harder he worked, the farther into darkness he fell. His heart and his soul became consumed with a darkness that could not be purged as he worked, and this is why Gerard was stopped.
A piece of his perfect world escaped and ran away, telling the good and pure Queen of Gerard's plans. The Queen listened and knew that such a force of Darkness could not be allowed to exist unchecked. She went to Gerard thinking that perhaps he could be saved.
When she found him, the Queen asked question after question after question of Gerard so she could determine how much darkness there was in Gerard and if some of it could be purged. Gerard answered all of her questions, becoming increasingly irritated with the Queen, and she knew. She knew but she did not wish to admit that it was true, for she liked to believe that everyone had some good within them. It was too late for Gerard, though, as any last bit of good in him had been consumed by his need to fix the world as he saw it.
He could not be saved.
antifreeze.
MikeyandGerard. That's the way it's always been, Mikey going out and making friends and them having to get through Gerard to be approved. If they didn't like Gerard, then they didn't last very long. It went the other way too, but Gerard didn't really make friends so mostly Mikey brought them home and Gerard approved them. That's just how it always was, and neither of them thought it was odd. Sure, their mother sometimes sighed at them and asked if that was really necessary, but mostly no one bothered them and very few people came into their little world.
Because that's what it was, MikeyandGerardia. No one else was allowed in unless both Mikey and Gerard could agree on them. They also weren't allowed if they didn't like Star Wars and couldn't name at least three superheros, but those weren't too much to ask of a person. One of the superheros could even be Aquaman, because Mikey and Gerard didn't judge. They just expected the same treatment in return, someone that didn't think it was "freaky" that Mikey and Gerard sometimes slept in the same bed (more correctly: passed out in) and could finish each other's sentences nine times out of ten. Someone who could accept that people were sometimes not what you expected and that not everyone fit into neat, tidy little boxes and that expecting them to was stupid.
Because Mikey and Gerard surely didn't fit into the boxes that everyone wanted them to. Gerard was talkative, emotive and a lot of other -ives. Mikey was silent, patient, and a lot of other -ents. They didn't look like brothers, but that's what they were as sure as the sun would shine and the moon would rise. If he ever had to choose between Mikey and someone else, Gerard would always choose Mikey. There was no other choice. There was no other option.
Whenever Gerard felt like giving up on the world and everyone in it, Mikey always bumped their shoulders together and reminded Gerard why the world was a beautiful place. Reminded Gerard why he should never give up hope and should always believe in something, no matter how insignificant.
Most of the things that Gerard did were rooted in Mikey, because Gerard believed in Mikey and Mikey believed in Gerard and that's just the way it's always been.
There is no other way for them to be, because there's no one else to whisper secrets to and have lame in-jokes with. Sure, they let other people into their world, but those people weren't meant to stay there forever. They would eventually fade, like so many friendships did, but there would always be MikeyandGerard. That was the one constant in the world, the one thing they could always count on, and no one could take that away from them because it wasn't something the rest of the world understood or even cared to understand. It was just between them, like a language constructed out of half-smiles and bumped shoulders that was incomprehensible to any outsiders. Maybe it was just brotherly love, but it was probably something deeper than that.
Gerard needs Mikey like anemones need clown fish and Mikey needs Gerard like clown fish need anemones. Without one, the other can't survive.
27.
"He should have thanked me, you know," Gerard says to no one in particular, "I would have saved him."
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Day 241, Word Count: 10049
Theme: August; The Dog Days are Over (Apocalypse)
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My Chemical Romance
(a fountain to spray on your youth)
1.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "Why did you kill them?"
Gerard frowns, "I didn't kill them."
This goes on for days and days and days. Gerard is getting sick of having to repeat himself.
a.
It's not about the killing. It's not about the killing. It's not about the killing. It's not about the killing. It never was about the killing. As far as Gerard's concerned, he didn't kill anyone: he only saved them.
Gerard wishes that someone would understand that.
2.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "What was your relationship with your brother like?"
"I loved him more than anything."
The psychotheranalyst says: "Then why did you kill him?"
Gerard presses his lips into a thin line. "I didn't. How many times do you want me to say that?"
b.
Once upon a time, there was a boy named Gerard who thought that everything would stay wonderful and untarnished forever. Gerard lived in a house with his brother, mother, and grandmother-all of whom he loved very much. He was happy in that house, and he thought that his grandmother and mother would be immortal, thought that nothing could be taken away unless the person had done something bad and needed to be punished. Gerard was very, very wrong about that.
He soon learned that when things got taken away, they sometimes got taken away without rhyme or reason. He learned that you could go to sleep and wake up to a world where everything was different. Everything important could be taken away from you in the blink of an eye and there was nothing you could do to stop it. He learned that life is nothing like a fairy tale. So, because his world was shattered, Gerard adjusted. He turned to black magic and, in the darkest part of himself, looked for the answers that he sought.
And he found them.
thallium.
Gerard doesn't really like going to the comics mixers they sometimes have at conventions, but he doesn't have anything better to do and Mikey always says that it's never a bad thing to network, so he forces himself to go. There are a lot of people, and Gerard is kind of twitchy because he's had one too many cups of coffee and he's not that great with being around so many people to begin with, but you know. Sometimes you have to push your boundaries to find out what you're really capable of.
So he's sitting and doodling on a napkin, trying to calm down and maybe work up the courage to talk to someone, when someone solves his problem by sitting down next to him.
"That looks pretty cool," the person says, "Is that an original character?"
"Yeah. This is Vanya, she's the white violin."
Finishing the line he's drawing, Gerard looks up and nearly shrinks back into himself. Grant Morrison is standing right there and he complimented Gerard and ajgekhyeyuhi. Forcing himself to breathe, Gerard smiles at Grant, who smiles back. It makes Gerard's heart flutter inappropriately.
"I haven't seen you around these before," Grant says, "are you new on the scene?"
"Um," Gerard licks his lips, "yeah. I do The Umbrella Academy, if you've heard of it?"
"Yeah," Grant's flat-out grinning now, "I flipped through it and what I saw was pretty awesome."
It takes a lot of Gerard's willpower not to faint right there. As it is, he blinks at Grant for a while and probably looks kind of ridiculous while he's doing it, but Grant hasn't turned and run in the other direction yet so Gerard takes that as a good sign. He can do this, really.
"Would it be awkward to say I'm a really big fan?"
Or maybe not. Gerard winces internally at his terrible social skills, but Grant just laughs.
"Nah. Hey, you wanna go get a drink or something later?"
3.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "If you didn't kill them, then how do you explain the nine bodies in your basement that were found by your partner, Bert McCracken?"
"They weren't bodies," Gerard sighs, "they were people. You're being disrespectful."
"How do you explain the nine people in your basement, then?"
Gerard closes his eyes, "I saved them."
c.
It starts because Gerard realizes he needs to save Mikey, at any cost. He needs to save Mikey, because otherwise Mikey will leave one day (no matter how many times he promises that he won't leave, because people always leave) and Gerard can't have that. Mikey is a perfect beautiful unflawed brilliant gorgeous creature, and Gerard is never letting that go. Never.
You'd have to pry it from his cold, dead hands.
4.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "How did you save them?"
"People are like fireflies," Gerard says slowly, "they shine very brightly for a little while, and then eventually they start to flicker and fade away. That's the awful part, because everyone wants to keep a firefly forever, right? Having something that beautiful, that bright . . . That's not comparable to anything. So all I did was figure out how to keep them shining. That's what everyone wants, right? They want to shine forever. I gave them that."
There is a long long pause. The psychotheranalyst is writing something down.
"I took good care of them," Gerard whispers, mostly to himself, "I took good care of them, and now we're separated. Who's taking care of them now?"
d.
You can find anything on the internet, if you look hard enough. It's so simple to learn how to do taxidermy that Gerard almost laughs in sheer delight. He suspects that the techniques aren't meant to be used like this, but people sometimes preserve their favorite pets, and really. Really, how is this any different from taking good old Fido and having him made up like a doll? It's not any different, not in the slightest, and once Gerard has Mikey all finished, he dresses up Mikey and sits him down on a chair in the basement. Sometimes Gerard will go down there and tell Mikey stories, long-winded and rambling, but Mikey never says anything back. He just sits there in perfect, unbroken silence.
Gerard doesn't mind. Mikey was never that talkative anyway.
5.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "Why did you save them?"
Gerard stares at a point on the wall, eyes not entirely focused, for a very long time. The psychotheranalyst asks the question again, gently, and suddenly Gerard's eyes snap back into focus and he frowns.
"Isn't it obvious?"
e.
People will do crazy things for love. They'll steal and beg and murder and cheat and lie and twist themselves into whatever they feel will protect that fragile glow called love. This is what people say, this is how people are. No one questions that, and no one goes around asking why Romeo and Juliet killed themselves; they killed themselves for love. They wanted to keep that perfect, amazing thing fresh in their minds forever and they wanted everything to stretch into eternity. Stretch past where they could comprehend. Stretch and stretch and stretch and stretch without snapping or breaking or anything else, because if you have love, you can stretch forever and there's nothing to stop you, not in a million years.
Romeo and Juliet couldn't bear the thought of losing what they had to forces that wanted to keep them apart, and Gerard's really not any different, so Gerard saved the people he loved best. He saved them, one by one, and he hopes they'll save him in return.
doll's eye berries.
Gerard spends a lot of time by himself, locked away in his own little world where the rest of the world that's broken and harmful doesn't exist. Mikey's usually okay with that, but every once in a while Mikey will tell Gerard that he spends too much time indoors and that Gerard should go out and meet people, make friends. Gerard always tells Mikey that it's okay, really he's fine, but Mikey always insists, so that's how Gerard ends up bumping into Pete at a club.
Pete is one of Mikey's friends from way back, but he moved or stopped hanging out with Mikey or something. Gerard's not sure of the particulars, never really cared about the particulars, but Pete recognizes him-which is kind of weird. Most of Mikey's friends don't recognize Gerard, Mikey's freaky older brother, especially not the ones that Gerard barely remembers the names of and probably only met once or twice.
The ones who do recognize him always ask him how's Mikey doing? and Gerard always shrugs and gives them a noncommital he's doing fine. It's like they're programmed to ask but they don't really care about the answer because the question is just a formality. Just an icebreaker. Pete, though. Pete doesn't even bother with the formalities, he just drags Gerard to the bar and is going to buy him a drink when Gerard explains that he doesn't drink (anymore). Pete raises an eyebrow at that, but just shrugs.
In the end, Pete buys him a ridiculous, fruity, virgin drink that tastes like sugar and food coloring because it was either that or a watery cup of coke and Gerard would rather drink piss than watery Coke. Pete also orders one for himself out of solidarity, and Gerard tries his hardest not to find it ridiculously charming, but it's hard. He finds himself laughing at Pete's dumb jokes and dancing with him, their bodies pressed close, and kissing him.
"You trying to get into my pants, Way?"
Gerard raises an eyebrow, "You use that line on my brother, Wentz?"
"Probably."
It doesn't surprise Gerard that Pete did, and it wouldn't surprise him if Mikey took Pete up on his offer. The thing about Mikey is that it's not exactly that he sleeps around, it's that if he likes someone then he lets them get away with a lot more than they should be able to get away with. Sometimes, Gerard thinks that Mikey picked that bad habit up from him, because he just presses his lips to Pete's pulse and tries not to think I could save you. It's too early for that.
Gerard feels like he's floating, feels a little drunk even though he knows that he isn't, and feels like he's slipping into a more adventurous, more outgoing him. Apparently he says that out loud, though, because Pete buries his face in Gerard's shoulder and laughs. When Pete laughs, it sort of sounds like a hyena, and Gerard shouldn't find that endearing either, but he's smiling against Pete's pulse anyways.
Yeah, Mikey definitely picked up the habit from him.
6.
The psychotheranalyst asks: "Why did you save them?"
Gerard sighs, "Because I loved them and they needed saving."
"Why did they need saving?"
"Everyone needs saving," Gerard traces a circle onto the tabletop with the tip of his finger, "isn't that what religion is all about? Saving the lost souls."
f.
Everyone needs saving, because everyone will die. There's no avoiding that, no matter how much science advances, because people need to die. The world can't function if everyone is immortal, because the world isn't built to handle that. Gerard knows that everyone has to die, so that's why he saves them. He saves them because the world is a gritty, awful place and if he can spare them from the horrors that it holds, then that's all he wants. He saves them because he likes them too much to let them suffer. The poisons made them suffer, a little, but it was nothing compared to the prolonged suffering that people call life. Antifreeze is sweet. Death cap mushrooms don't taste bad. The other things he used didn't taste that bad either. Gerard did his research. He didn't want them to suffer too much more than they had to.
He just wanted them to stay young and beautiful forever. What's wrong with that?
7.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You used different poisons for each person. Why?"
"You're asking stupid questions," Gerard sighs, "Why would I paint the exact same painting six times? I saved each of them the way they should have been saved."
"They found quite a selection of poisonous plants in your house when they searched it."
Gerard laughs, "It isn't illegal to have any of those. Do you know how easy it is to get certain poisonous plants? Oleander is widely used in landscaping, they plant it near schools, and it's one of the most poisonous plants in the world. You can get it at Home Depot."
The psychotheranalyst makes a patronizing, encouraging noise. "Is it?"
"Yes," Gerard folds his hands together and leans forward onto the table, "Do you know how I learned all of this? The internet. It's not like I did a whole lot of research either-just a couple search terms or a quick trip to Wikipedia and you have your answers. That's all. Anyone can be a serial killer if they just search enough."
g.
When you give people all the tools to figure out how to murder people, when you expose them to all the images and video and fictional scenes of murder and violence and everything like that? It's like you're asking to turn people into serial killers. The Internet is such a wealth of information. You can find anything if you search hard enough, anything at all. There's a list of poisonous plants on Wikipedia, there's an article on the history of poisons, there's extensive information on famous murderers and what they did wrong. It's all right there, and it's not hard to get. It's not hard at all. Twenty minutes, and you've got everything you need. You've ordered the oleander, foxglove, belladonna, thallium, whatever, because you can order anything on the internet now. Amazon sells uranium. Uranium.
Gerard thinks that it's a wonder there aren't more serial killers.
black mamba snake bite.
Gabe is one of Gerard's oldest friends. Gerard remembers going out with Mikey to see Gabe's band play and sneaking backstage to congratulate Gabe, drunk and probably with contact high. He remembers dancing with Gabe and hooking up with Gabe when Mikey wasn't. He remembers Gabe always being a good time, always knowing how to have fun. Always being the life of whatever party they were at. He remembers the way that Gabe was always surrounded by girls and the way that Gabe never discriminated between guys and girls.
He remembers the way that Gabe was up for anything, the way that Gabe would try anything once. It was one of the things Gerard liked best about him. He wished that he had that kind of courage, that bravado. That confidence in himself other people could feel radiating from you, so that they knew you could handle anything that got thrown at them.
Gerard remembers thinking that as much as he wished he had that, though, Gabe was needlessly reckless. That's the one thing Gerard remembers most clearly.
There are lots of the things that Gerard remembers about Gabe that are smaller too, like the way Gabe's tongue curled around certain words. The way that his mouth quirked up just so when he smiled. Gerard remembers this and he remembers that about Gabe, sometimes smiling for no real reason when he remembers something at random because Gabe is the kind of person you remember, Gabe is not the kind of person you forget.
At least, that's why Gerard never forgets him. Gerard doesn't forget Gabe even when they drift out of contact and Gerard hasn't seen Gabe in a while. When Gabe isn't there, Gerard doesn't forget because he can remember Gabe almost as vividly as he actually is. He remembers Gabe's stupid laugh, his stupid smile. He remembers until Gabe is there in the flesh and Gerard doesn't have to remember anymore. Still, though.
He remembers running into Gabe by chance and smiling for the first time in a while, remembers that being with Gabe again had been easy and fun and a lot of things. He remembers that Gabe was careless with the snakes because he thought that he was above that, thought that he could speak to the snakes. He remembers.
8.
The psychotheranalyst says: "How did you obtain the thallium?"
"I ordered it off the internet," Gerard shrugs, "You can get anything on the internet these days. Did you know that homeopathic stores sell a ridiculous amount of terribly poisonous things? They sell snake venom. It's diluted down, of course, but still."
Making some notation, the psychotheranalyst says: "I didn't know that. You killed Gabe Saporta via snakebite, didn't you?"
"No," Gerard sighs, "Gabe killed himself. He was something of a snake collector, owned a Black Mamba that got set loose and bit him. I didn't administer the antivenom in time."
There's a shocked silence, and the psychotheranalyst makes eye contact for the first time that day. Gerard just stares back at her, waiting for her shock to pass.
The psychotheranalyst says: "How did he get a Black Mamba?"
"You can own them if you have a permit," Gerard leans back in his chair, "It's not that hard to get a deadly snake if you have a permit, and Gabe had a permit. There aren't any regulations on importing poisonous snakes, most of them aren't on the endangered species list and they're quite popular as pets, but you can't tame something as wild as that. I wasn't going to kill him at all, but then he was dead so I saved him."
h.
Gerard took a taxidermy class. He took a taxidermy class from some redneck, and he took anatomy in art school so it isn't that hard to apply the taxidermy skills he's learned to people. There's a history of tanning human skin, actually. People used to bind books in human skin; Harvard has some books bound in human skin. All good libraries do, actually, but that's not the point. The point is that taxidermy is an art, like so many other things, and Gerard is an artist. Always was an artist, even before he realized that everyone fades away, drops out of contact, dies, and if you want to save them then you have to preserve them. Gerard thinks that it's a shame more people don't learn how to save their loved ones. It's very easy to learn.
You can learn anything, if you have the patience for it. That's all it takes, patience.
belladonna berries.
Lyn-Z is in one of Gerard's painting classes. He knows her by sight, but he's never spoken to her because he doesn't really talk to people while he's painting. She passes by his easel one day, though, and stops to stare at what he's painting. Gerard actually doesn't notice her staring until she walks over and leans in ridiculously close.
"This is really cool . . . Are you painting zombie fruit?"
Gerard nearly drops his brush when Lyn-Z speaks, but he just manages not to get cadmium red all over himself which. Good, because it's bad for you, and it tends to make your tongue numb. When he's set his brush down, he looks at his painting and huh. It actually does look like he's painting zombie fruit. He had been going for vampire fruit, after that one really silly legend, but he's made them a little more zombie in the process somehow.
"I guess so," Gerard says slowly, "They were supposed to be vampire fruit-you know, left out on a full moon and now bloodsucking-but I made them zombies somehow."
She grins, beautiful and disarming, "Funny how that happens, isn't it?"
Gerard grins back, "Yeah."
There are people, Gerard has discovered, who don't understand how sometimes paintings get away from you and you end up with something other than what you were actually expecting. Gerard always likes the people who understand his problems better, so he smiles back at this girl and almost holds out a hand before he remembers that a) he's wearing latex gloves so he doesn't get noxious chemicals on his skin and b) his hands are pretty much covered in paint. It's one of the dangers of impasto or whatever.
"I'm Gerard," he says instead, "I don't think I've talked to you before."
"Lyn-Z," she says, "and it's really a shame that we haven't."
As much of a hopeless romantic as Gerard is, he doesn't fall in love with Lyn-Z at first sight. Mostly it's because he usually thinks of girls in terms of friend and it takes him a good long while to realize that he's actually attracted to her, because it happens so rarely.
Luckily, she's attracted back.
9.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Tell me about Lindsey."
"What do you want to know about Lyn-Z?"
"Why did you save her? She's the only girl you saved."
"I saved her because I loved her," Gerard frowns, "why would I have saved her for any other reason? That's kind of presumptuous of you, assuming that I only like men. I like women too, I just like fewer of them. Lyn-Z was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and no one appreciated her but me. I was the only one who saw how beautiful she was."
i.
To be completely honest, Gerard wishes that people would stop calling him cruel. He isn't in the least bit cruel, because he took good care of them. He cleaned them and kept them dust-free and touched them up if they needed it. He took good care of them. Gerard isn't very happy with the fact that they're probably not being taken care of now that he's been separated from them. In fact, they're probably being violated. Torn up by a coroner and and then buried like that without a second thought to their rights as human beings. It's not right. They're still alive, all Gerard did was free them from their mortal bodies.
Besides, he didn't do anything that a mortician wouldn't do. In fact, he probably did it better than any mortician, and his work wasn't sent away to rot underground. That was nice, because you can't undo tanning. His work would always stay the way he intended it. They would always be perfect and beautiful.
Gerard just wishes he could see them again. He misses them.
10.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You went to art school."
Gerard traces nonsense patterns onto the table, not looking up, "Yes."
"What did you study?"
"Painting. Drawing. Cartooning. Color theory. Lots of things, art is interdisciplinary."
"What sort of art do you do?"
"Pen and ink drawings, sometimes sculpture," Gerard looks up at the psychotheranalyst, "Don't you already know this? You searched the house, you should have seen my work. It's how I tend to make my living."
"You have a very interesting style."
Gerard snorts, "You sound like a floundering freshman during a critique."
j.
In another universe, Gerard saves people differently. He saves them through song, through sending his message in poetry to hundreds of thousands of people. Sometimes he dreams about that world, the one where he doesn't have to sit through endless questioning sessions, and he's not sure that he likes it better. He's not sure that, if the other him understood the world as it actually is, his alternate self could be as happy as he is. You can't change the world because everyone dies. You can't protect anyone from death.
The best you can do is save them, because the truth of the world is that everything dies.
11.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Hello, Gerard. Do you know why you're here?"
Gerard doesn't answer. He just stares at the wall and tries not to focus on the overwhelming sadness that's lurking just underneath his skin. Tries not to think too hard about the fact that they took everything he loved away just because they didn't understand.
"Gerard," the psychotheranalyst says, "do you understand me?"
"Yes," Gerard says, not making eye contact, "I understand you."
"Do you know why you're here, Gerard?"
Gerard finally looks at the psychotheranalyst, lips curving into a smirk, "Because I'm going to be put on trial soon and you want to make sure I'm not crazy, I'd assume."
k.
There's some sort of poetry in what Gerard did, maybe. Maybe not. Gerard thinks it would probably depend on who you asked and what you told them. If you told them the right things, explained it correctly, people would probably understand the poetry in what Gerard did. He knows that not everyone understands his work, understands that he's not evil. He knows not everyone understands how he kept it a "secret" for so long, but the truth is that he never really kept it a secret. He'd just tell people not to go down into the basement because the stairs were a little rotted and he didn't want them hurting themselves. He'd just slip the poisons into their food and drink and smooth their hair back while they writhed. He'd just say that his brother was someplace better now and never elaborate. He'd just ask them to stay forever.
It's amazing how little people will pry when they think you're a little touched in the head.
death cap mushroom.
Brian is a business major.
This fact is important, because Gerard probably shouldn't have ever met Brian but he did because he bumped into Brian at the comics store. Gerard tended to be a bit of a fixture, so he had seen Brian maybe once or twice before. It's just that Gerard had never talked to him, so he's a little surprised when the guy taps him on the shoulder.
"Hey," he says, "you look like you know your stuff. Can you explain this 'Ultimates' thing to me? I don't really understand what's going on."
It was a valid question, in Gerard's opinion. He's pretty sure that Brian wasn't expecting such an enthusiastic and hand-motion heavy explanation of the question, though. Which, since Gerard wasn't expecting Brian to ask him out for coffee to talk more, is a perfectly okay thing with Gerard. Brian's pretty fun to talk to, and the topic shifts from Ultimates to Marvel in general and then they're just talking about comics, which is something no one does with Gerard anymore because he's too hardcore or something.
That doesn't seem to bother Brian. He just asks for clarification when he doesn't get something and lets Gerard ramble as long as he wants until he's checking his watch and is that really the time? Gerard shrinks back into himself then, thinking that this is just a one-time deal, but Brian smiles at him and asks for his number.
He hands over his phone, and Gerard quickly programs his number into the phone before handing it back. Brian waves goodbye then, and Gerard waves goodbye too. He's smiling, and his smile only gets bigger when he gets a text a little later.
The text says: this is brian
hi brian, Gerard texts back, this is g
A couple minutes later: thx 4 talking 2 me 2day
ur welcome, Gerard texts back, netime
12.
The psychotheranalyst says: "How did you meet Grant?"
Gerard shrugs, "It was at a comics mixer. I admired his work and he admired mine, then we started talking and we had a lot in common."
"Were you dating?"
"Not at first," Gerard rolls his eyes, "Do you date people you've just met?"
"That wasn't," the psychotheranalyst says calmly, "the question I was asking you."
Gerard raises an eyebrow, "Then maybe you should start asking more specific questions. I can't answer your questions if I don't understand what I'm being asked."
l.
Lizzie Borden took an axe
and gave her mother forty whacks.
When she saw what she had done,
she gave her father forty-one.
The inaccuracy of a children's rhyme probably shouldn't bother him as much as it does, but the devil's in the details. No one ever gets the details correct, and Gerard suspects that no one is getting the details about him correct either. They probably have little soundbites: I saved them. or Anyone can be a serial killer if they just search enough. that are taken out of context and used to paint him as crazy, deranged, a menace to society. Gerard doesn't think that's fair. Husbands are beating their wives, oil is spilling into the oceans, men are raping women, the world is warming up, people are blowing each other into smithereens with machines guns, and they're worried about Gerard.
It's not like he would hurt anyone he didn't really, truly love.
It's not like he tortured and killed small animals.
It's not like he had fun.
He did it because he had to. Gerard had to keep them safe at all costs, and he had to keep them young and beautiful. He had to keep them the way that they should be remembered, that they wanted to be remembered. He didn't want them to get sick and old and die. This way was better. This way they'd never progress past the perfect memory Gerard had of them. They'd never change into something ugly and unrecognizable.
They would be perfect.
13.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Tell me about the scrapbook."
Gerard raises an eyebrow, "Is it a crime to have a scrapbook?"
"No," the psychotheranalyst says, "I'd just like you to tell me a little bit more about it."
"It's a way to preserve my memories of the people that I love best," Gerard sighs, "just like it is for anyone else. It's not a trophy, if that's what you're asking. It's not some sick, perverted porn, either. It's just a regular old scrapbook. You'd know that if you looked at it."
m.
Gerard finds it funny that everyone wants to know what makes people tick. What makes people so crazy insane deranged abnormal deviant. What makes people different from them, what makes people into who they are. They're not satisfied with simple answers, either, because it's like high school English all over again with the but what does it mean? and the it's a symbol for nonsense that fills of the brains of every kid and follows them around for life. Gerard suspects it's that training that makes everyone try to pry answers that don't exist out of him.
They think that Gerard must have done everything he did for some singular, universal reason. He must have some sort of deep, dark reason based in childhood trauma for killing people. His parents didn't hug him enough. He was envious of his brother. He had an erectile dysfunction. He was insecure.
They're all missing the point.
14.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Describe your childhood."
"Saturday morning cartoons, waffles, and video games."
The psychotheranalyst seems to be waiting for something. Gerard doesn't know what she wants, so he waits. The second hand on the clock tick tick ticks. The psychotheranalyst clears her throat.
"What was your relationship with your mother like?"
"My mother was my hero. I miss her."
n.
When you put a person in the ground, you can't see them anymore. You can't talk to them, you can't ask them for advice, and you can't hug them. Gerard supposes that's why people cremate their relatives and put them into jars that they keep on their mantles, but he'd feel weird talking to an urn. Urns are heavy, and they get cold. It's uncomfortable to hug them. Same with gravestones, Gerard knows, because he spent the better part of a year kneeling in front of his mother's grave and whispering to her gravestone. Hugging it and trying to remember what his mother's arms being wrapped around him felt like.
It's just not the same.
iron poisoning.
One of the times that Gerard and Mikey are backstage chatting with Gabe, the drum tech brushes by and Gabe pulls him over to introduce him to Gerard and Mikey.
"This is Bob," Gabe says, "he's cool people."
"Hey," Bob says.
"Hey," Mikey says.
That would be the end of it, except Gerard and Mikey keep running into Bob and they sort-of become friends with him. He is, as Gabe said, good people, and he even sometimes gets them into shows. Mostly Gerard likes him because he likes TMNT and he's got this weird, flat sense of humor that always takes a second to sink in. It reminds Gerard a lot of Mikey, so he finds himself grinning and laughing at Bob's jokes more than he probably should.
Then again, Gerard pretty much likes anyone who reminds him of Mikey a lot more than he should. It's an almost Pavlovian reaction in Gerard, and he's never tried to stop it because it doesn't seem like a bad thing. Gerard likes Mikey more than, say, seventy-five percent of the population so he doesn't see anything wrong with seeking out people like Mikey to be friends with. That's normal, right? People do it all the time.
Bob always just nods whenever Gerard starts rambling, which he tries not to do that often. He never seems to get annoyed with Gerard and Gerard likes him a lot, so he's not sure it's actually a surprise when they try dating. There aren't too many people in Gerard's life, and he gets lonely sometimes. Gerard can see that Bob gets lonely too, can see that this is good for the both of them-at least for the moment.
It's not really the kind of relationship that lasts forever, Gerard thinks, but it's the kind that people fall into because they're lonely and they like someone enough to be around them for a while. You go out on a couple date, fuck a lot, and six months later you both move on to other, better things. It's just a way of releasing steam and eradicating the loneliness that always seems to creep into life when you least expect it. That's just how it is.
Gerard keeps telling himself that, anyway, keeps reminding himself that it's not meant to last and it's not going to, but he still falls in love with Bob even though he shouldn't.
Still. There are worse things that could happen-falling in love doesn't even make the top ten.
15.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You kept their hearts."
"Well of course," Gerard frowns, "They gave them to me. I said I'd protect them, and I keep my promises to the best of my ability. It's not my fault that some stranger has probably manhandled them for testing and then dumped them into the trash. Honestly, would you treat your mother that way?"
o.
On the whole, Gerard finds that people think of themselves as fundamentally nice. They think they're something other than selfish, awful, and dark. They think that bad people, the monsters like Gerard that they put into children's closets, are so removed from themselves because it's a way of saying I could never be him and assuring themselves that monsters aren't real.
Gerard thinks that's bullshit.
Everyone has the capacity to become a monster and could be a monster if the right things happened to them. Gerard'll be the first to admit that maybe what he did was more than a little selfish. Yes, he saved the people that he loved, but the reason he saved them was entirely and wholly selfish. Gerard doesn't think doing nice things for selfish reasons makes you a good person, it just makes you human and Gerard's never pretended to be anything but human. There's nothing wrong with having an ulterior motive, with saving his loved ones because he selfishly wanted to keep them close forever.
Everyone has ulterior motives, Gerard just thinks that maybe he's a little more open about his.
16.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Why did no one report any of the people you 'saved' as missing?"
Gerard doesn't need to be a genius to see the air quotes that the psychotheranalyst is putting around the word saved. He chooses to ignore that.
"That's not a question I know the answer to," Gerard shakes his head, "but if you're asking my opinion, it's because no one but me cared about them. Don't you see? No, of course you don't. That's the reason why I'm here in the first place, because no one understands that I am not the monster under your bed: I'm the monster you could have become."
There's a scritch-scritch of the psychotheranalyst's pen, and Gerard leans forward on the table. His eyes are bright, shining.
"Do you want to know the difference between the monster you could have become and me?"
After a second of silence, the psychotheranalyst finally seems to understand that Gerard actually wants a response from her, which is a little ridiculous. It isn't as if he's going to bother talking to someone who isn't interested, that would be rude.
"Do tell."
"The difference," Gerard says, "is that when I say I loved them, I mean it."
p.
There are so many ways that Gerard could be worse.
Sometimes he contemplates saying that, because he wonders if they think about that. He could have abused children, could have done what he did and taken perverse joy in it, could have tortured them, could have hacked them into tiny pieces, could have tossed them into a river, could have abused the trust they placed in him, could have raped them, could have locked them into a room and starved them, could have done so many more things than he actually did. Gerard suspects that no one gives a shit, because they think he's a sick bastard and he deserves to rot and all those other things that get yelled at him when he's moved from the courtroom. Sometimes it's crying mothers, and that always makes Gerard want to yell back.
At least I loved them.
At least I knew where they were.
At least I kept all my promises to them.
At least I cared enough to keep them safe from the world.
At least I never abandoned them.
At least I talked to them.
At least I don't pretend to be sorry.
But Gerard never does yell back, because it's pointless. The crying mothers have the upper hand, because Gerard is the one in orange, and Gerard is the one that took their precious baby away except for how he didn't. That implies that the crying mothers actually gave a fuck about their children, but it's not like any of them gave a shit, because if they had given a shit then they would have reported their children missing. They would have called and called until they got an answer. They would have shown up on Gerard's doorstep and demanded answers. They would be crying actual tears instead of pretty, fake, Hollywood tears. They would be in this for something other than money and screen time.
17.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Is there anything you regret?"
Gerard shrugs and says, "Watching the Star Wars Christmas special."
There's a very long, awkward silence and the psychotheranalyst is staring at Gerard. She's waiting for him to give an actual answer, he knows, and he sighs.
"If you're asking about what I did," Gerard traces his fingers in a meaningless pattern along the table, "then no. There's not really anything I regret about that. I did what I had to do."
q.
Sometimes, on bad days, Gerard sits in the basement and just hugs Mikey to him. He tells Mikey about all the ways that the world is horrible and all the reasons that Gerard doesn't want to live in it anymore, and Mikey just says that the world needs Gerard to make it better, Gerard needs to keep living.
Mikey's right, Gerard knows, but sometimes it's hard. When he's ready to face the world again-or sometimes while he's getting there-he cleans up the people he's saved, righting their clothes and dusting them off to keep them clean. He tells them about his day and he tells them he loves them all before he says see you again soon and turns out the basement lights so that they don't waste away into nothing.
Taking care of the people he's saved is like taking care of old, yellowed books. He shouldn't keep them in the basement, he knows, because it tends to be cold and damp and no one wants to deal with that, but it's the only place that people aren't likely to go. He tries to make it comfortable for them, has a dehumidifier and everything, but he knows that he could do better.
It's just too risky otherwise, though.
oleander.
Gerard only meets Frank because Mikey knows Frank.
Mikey brings Frank over and they hang out with Gerard, because Mikey always drags Gerard into meeting his friends and Frank is, like, ridiculously attractive so Gerard tries not to stumble over his words too much and tries not to make a fool of himself. Frank doesn't seem to think Gerard is too weird, though, because he laughs at all of Gerard's jokes and he even sort-of gets some of the weird in-jokes between Mikey and Gerard, which is always a plus. Jokes just aren't as funny when you have to explain them and sometimes you just had to have been there to get the proper effect.
Basically, Mikey makes Gerard interact with another actual human being who isn't related to them (or Ray) for an extended period of time and Gerard frets a lot but it goes pretty smoothly. Well, despite it being really awkward at first (it got better!).
That's pretty much how Gerard's first meeting with most people goes, though, so it's not weird to him that Mikey introduces Gerard to Frank and then, when Frank's gone and it's just the two of them sitting around, Mikey bumps his shoulder to Gerard's and says you like him, huh? Gerard doesn't say anything to that, just rolls his eyes and says something about how it would be dumb to like someone you only hung out with for a couple hours, but Mikey is an all-knowing bastard and he knows that Gerard does anyway.
Still, Frank isn't even out of high school yet and Gerard would feel bad hooking up with him. Mikey is Mikey, though, and he just raises an eyebrow at all of Gerard's rambling, vague concerns because they don't mean anything to him and Gerard knows it. When Gerard doesn't have anything else to say, Mikey smiles.
"So you'll ask him out, right? Here, gimme your phone and I'll give you his number."
Gerard isn't ready to admit defeat yet, though, and there's a scuffle. Mikey (unsurprisingly) emerges victorious and quickly taps something into Gerard's phone before he hands the phone back to Gerard. Gerard just stares at it dumbly once's Mikey's given it back. He knows that he just has to text Frank or whatever and that'll get the ball rolling, but he can't quite bring himself to do it just yet. Mikey's always been better at interacting with people than him. He got all the magic people skill genes and Gerard got all the awkward turtle ones.
Finally, Gerard opens up a new text message and runs his fingers over the keys before he sends Frank a text that says hey its g mikeys bro. It's a while later, when he's sketching out something that might be a superhero, that his phone buzzes and he's got a text reading yo g what up?. It makes him smile, and Gerard thinks that okay. Sometimes Mikey does what he thinks is best for his brother or whatever and Gerard is okay with that.
nm, Gerard texts back, u?
18.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Is this a game to you?"
"Not really," Gerard shrugs, "that sort of implies that it's fun. This is mostly tedious. You don't understand me and you're trying so hard but it's just not working."
"I'm trying to help you, Gerard."
"So you say."
r.
Everyone is saying that they just want to help. Gerard is always suspicious of such statements, because every time someone tells him they want to "help," what that really means is I want to make you normal and that's something that Gerard doesn't want. If he was normal, then he'd be just like everyone else who couldn't see how fucked up the world is and why people have to be saved, have to be helped because they can't help themselves. Normalcy is overrated, and Gerard wouldn't trade what he has, what he's done, for a sense of belonging or community or whatever else being "normal" and accepting pitying offers of help will get him. That would be akin to selling out, to trading his beliefs and morals in for mediocrity.
Gerard shouldn't have to compromise who he is to fit in. That's fucking ridiculous.
19.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Gerard."
It's a call for his attention, Gerard knows, but he continues tracing a drawing onto the table and doesn't look up. There isn't really any point in cooperating. He knows that she's sick of him and he's sick of her, so whatever. Gerard gives up. He'll go to jail, and that'll be where he spends the rest of his life.
"Gerard," the psychotheranalyst repeats, "I asked you a question."
"I know," he says, "I'm choosing not to answer."
"That's not how this works, Gerard. You know that."
Gerard looks up, "I don't have to talk to you if I don't want to. And I don't want to."
There's a heavy sigh from the psychotheranalyst, and Gerard can see her gathering up her things.
"Then we're done for the day. I'll be back tomorrow."
"Whatever."
s.
They let Gerard have a sketch pad and charcoals. He's not sure why they let him have it, but they do and Gerard really doesn't care that much about their motives. Sure, charcoal isn't his favorite medium but it's fine if that's all they're going to give him. He can work with charcoal, so Gerard draws, when he's not in session with the psychotheranalyst. He draws Mikey and Ray and Frank and Brian and Bob and Lyn-Z and Pete and Gabe and Grant over and over and over again, trying not to forget their faces and their smiles, trying to not forget the way they sounded, what made them laugh.
There is nothing creepy about the drawings, but his psychotheranalyst seems to be intrigued by them. She seems to think that they symbolize him being sorry, repentant, for what he's done. Gerard thinks it's laughable how little she actually understands him. It has nothing to do with being sorry, unless he's being sorry for them having been taken away from him. He's sorry for that, truly he is, but he's not sorry for anything else because he shouldn't be. It was better for them in the long run, what he did, and he still believes that. He believes that and he will continue to believe that because that's all he has now. That's the only thing keeping him from snapping in two, and he's got to be allowed a tiny shred of happiness. Right?
Well, no. Not according to most people, anyway. According to most people Gerard should be sentenced to death so they can sleep at night knowing that monsters aren't real and there's nothing hiding under their bed, waiting to destroy them. There's nothing in their closet waiting to strike. There's nothing knocking at their window.
There's nothing inside them, waiting to take over.
20.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You weren't dating Ray."
"No," Gerard says, "it doesn't mean I didn't love him."
"Was this an unrequited love, then?"
Gerard stares blankly at her for a moment before putting his fingers to his temples and muttering. She waits, and Gerard takes a deep breath before looking up again.
"Ray was my friend. What is it with you and making weird assumptions?"
"You set a precedent, I'm just making sure of the facts."
"I don't want to talk to you anymore."
t.
People get old. People die. People decay. People fade away until they're nothing more than bones in the ground or dust in the wind. That's the part that's shit, right there. You have something beautiful and perfect and pure, right? You've got something that shines brighter than any star you've ever seen and it totally blinds you, totally takes you by surprise, and you want to hoard it. Like a firefly, like something you can catch and keep in your hand forever and ever and ever.
Some people never figure out how to catch fireflies. Gerard did.
21.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Are you okay?"
Gerard laughs, "Isn't it your job to tell me the answer to that question?"
u.
Half a cup of antifreeze. Some digitalis in a salad. Oleander in the tea. Iron crushed into the food. A simple stir-fry with Death Cap mushroom. Belladonna-stuffed olives in a salad. An accidental snake bite. Doll's Eye berries mixed into a shake. Tea, with just a touch of thallium.
That's all it took.
It shouldn't have been so simple.
Why was it so simple?
22.
The psychotheranalyst says: "People all die."
"I know," Gerard says back, "That's why I save them."
"Won't you die?"
"Eventually," Gerard folds in on himself, "and no one is going to save me, but it doesn't matter. No one knows what happens when you die, but I'll have them. That's all I wanted, you know. I just didn't want to be alone."
v.
Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.
Gerard doesn't remember where he read it or who's meant to have said it, but he remembers it. The phrase seems particularly poignant now that everyone thinks he's a monster and he knows he's just human. Maybe what he did was wrong. Maybe it wasn't. That's not what anyone really cares about. They only care about pressing judgment onto other people.
You're guilty.
You're ugly.
You're mean.
The reason it hurts, Gerard thinks, is that what they teach you as a child is wrong. It's not that a person is made of rubber or glue, but that everyone is made of glue and everything they hear or read or see or taste or touch or smell then sticks to them and becomes part of who they are. You can't get rid of the sharp things that people say, because they're stuck to you. The only thing you can hope for is that more things, good things, will stick to you and cover up the imperfections made by sharp words.
Goodness is hard to come by nowadays, though.
foxglove.
For most intents and purposes, Gerard only has two friends: he has Mikey and he has Ray. He's never needed anyone closer and yes, he has quite a few acquaintances of varying levels, but there's mostly just him, Mikey and Ray. Ray is the only friend that Gerard's ever made himself, which is a pretty exciting and cool thing.
He went over to Ray, because Ray had Magic cards and Gerard had never seen anyone at his school with Magic cards so it was exciting and Gerard was talking to Ray before he really had any idea what he was doing which kind of caused him to freak out for a little while but it all turned out okay.
Ray is cool people, and Gerard feels like Ray is the most easy-going person that Gerard knows. He brought Ray home and introduced him to Mikey, leaning in close to whisper that he made a friend into Mikey's ear, and Ray just blinks and then smiles.
"Hey," he says, "I'm Ray, it's nice to meet you Mikey."
Mikey raises an eyebrow, "Nice to meet you too. Do you play Magic?"
"A little," Ray says, "but I'd be happy to learn more."
There's a long pause where Gerard holds his breath, and then Mikey smiles so Gerard knows that Ray is okay and there's nothing Ray can do that would make Gerard give him up and he can breathe. Gerard would have been very confused if Mikey didn't like Ray, though-especially since Ray seems to be excited about their comic book collection and excited to play D&D with them and excited to be friends with them in general. Gerard's never had a friend like that, so the experience is new, novel. It never stops exciting him that Ray has chosen to be friends with them, has chosen to be a loser just like them, and Gerard's not sure that feeling will ever go away.
It feels like accomplishment, kind of, only it really just feels like Gerard's just eaten something amazing and there's the warm joy spreading throughout him. Except that sounds kind of creepy so maybe not. Whatever. It's just a really awesome feeling and Gerard doesn't ever want it to go away.
Gerard's not even sure that he could handle if Ray ever decided to actually become the crazy-awesome person Gerard knows he could be. He thinks that he'd try to be happy for Ray, because you should always be happy for people and people's happiness is the thing that's most important in life or whatever, but secretly he'd be really sad. Or maybe angry.
Then again, Gerard doesn't know if he could ever really be mad at Ray. He doesn't really want to find out if he can, though.
23.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Define love."
"That's a dumb question."
"Humor me."
Gerard doesn't know if the psychotheranalyst is really in a position to be making requests like that, but she's the one with a clipboard and he's the one cuffed to the table. There's a definite power imbalance there.
"Love," Gerard says finally, "is something you'll do anything, even the worst thing, for. Love is what makes people into monsters-or doesn't, depending. Harry Potter was saved because of love, Romeo and Juliet died for it. It's a complicated thing. Does that answer your question?"
"Yes," she says carefully, "thank you."
w.
Sometimes the only thing that a person can do is move forward through what's ahead for them and try not to stop for fear that they might be stopped forever and not make anything of themselves which seems to be the problem with a lot of people now-it's like they've all stopped and they're just repeating the same motions over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over
until they stop.
24.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You don't seem nervous."
"You don't move forward if you're nervous. You just stay in the same place, and I don't want to do that."
x.
He's not sorry.
He's not.
. . . Most of the time.
25.
The psychotheranalyst says: "You know what's going to happen to you, don't you?"
"Maybe," Gerard says, "but I'm no Doctor Manhattan."
y.
There are many different ways to be sorry. You can be sorry something happened, sorry something didn't, sorry something won't, sorry something could, sorry something should, and sorry for everything-just to name a few. Gerard knows the differences between them, he thinks, and he's absolutely sure that he's not most kinds of sorry about what he did. He's only one kind of sorry out of many, which is not very sorry at all in the grand scheme of things to be honest.
But he is sorry that it had to happen the way it did.
There was just no helping it.
26.
The psychotheranalyst says: "Goodbye, Gerard."
Gerard doesn't say anything, because it isn't a good bye. It's a bad one.
z.
The boy named Gerard practiced dark magic and began to rearrange his world so it suited him once more. It took him a long time to put all the pieces where they were supposed to be and save everything that needed to be saved, but Gerard did it. He worked very hard, not realizing that the harder he worked, the farther into darkness he fell. His heart and his soul became consumed with a darkness that could not be purged as he worked, and this is why Gerard was stopped.
A piece of his perfect world escaped and ran away, telling the good and pure Queen of Gerard's plans. The Queen listened and knew that such a force of Darkness could not be allowed to exist unchecked. She went to Gerard thinking that perhaps he could be saved.
When she found him, the Queen asked question after question after question of Gerard so she could determine how much darkness there was in Gerard and if some of it could be purged. Gerard answered all of her questions, becoming increasingly irritated with the Queen, and she knew. She knew but she did not wish to admit that it was true, for she liked to believe that everyone had some good within them. It was too late for Gerard, though, as any last bit of good in him had been consumed by his need to fix the world as he saw it.
He could not be saved.
antifreeze.
MikeyandGerard. That's the way it's always been, Mikey going out and making friends and them having to get through Gerard to be approved. If they didn't like Gerard, then they didn't last very long. It went the other way too, but Gerard didn't really make friends so mostly Mikey brought them home and Gerard approved them. That's just how it always was, and neither of them thought it was odd. Sure, their mother sometimes sighed at them and asked if that was really necessary, but mostly no one bothered them and very few people came into their little world.
Because that's what it was, MikeyandGerardia. No one else was allowed in unless both Mikey and Gerard could agree on them. They also weren't allowed if they didn't like Star Wars and couldn't name at least three superheros, but those weren't too much to ask of a person. One of the superheros could even be Aquaman, because Mikey and Gerard didn't judge. They just expected the same treatment in return, someone that didn't think it was "freaky" that Mikey and Gerard sometimes slept in the same bed (more correctly: passed out in) and could finish each other's sentences nine times out of ten. Someone who could accept that people were sometimes not what you expected and that not everyone fit into neat, tidy little boxes and that expecting them to was stupid.
Because Mikey and Gerard surely didn't fit into the boxes that everyone wanted them to. Gerard was talkative, emotive and a lot of other -ives. Mikey was silent, patient, and a lot of other -ents. They didn't look like brothers, but that's what they were as sure as the sun would shine and the moon would rise. If he ever had to choose between Mikey and someone else, Gerard would always choose Mikey. There was no other choice. There was no other option.
Whenever Gerard felt like giving up on the world and everyone in it, Mikey always bumped their shoulders together and reminded Gerard why the world was a beautiful place. Reminded Gerard why he should never give up hope and should always believe in something, no matter how insignificant.
Most of the things that Gerard did were rooted in Mikey, because Gerard believed in Mikey and Mikey believed in Gerard and that's just the way it's always been.
There is no other way for them to be, because there's no one else to whisper secrets to and have lame in-jokes with. Sure, they let other people into their world, but those people weren't meant to stay there forever. They would eventually fade, like so many friendships did, but there would always be MikeyandGerard. That was the one constant in the world, the one thing they could always count on, and no one could take that away from them because it wasn't something the rest of the world understood or even cared to understand. It was just between them, like a language constructed out of half-smiles and bumped shoulders that was incomprehensible to any outsiders. Maybe it was just brotherly love, but it was probably something deeper than that.
Gerard needs Mikey like anemones need clown fish and Mikey needs Gerard like clown fish need anemones. Without one, the other can't survive.
27.
"He should have thanked me, you know," Gerard says to no one in particular, "I would have saved him."
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