inell
in
kirk_mccoy
Fic: Playing Pretend [5/?] (Kirk/McCoy, NC17)
Title: Playing Pretend [5/?]
Authors: andrealyn and inell
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: Adult/NC17
Summary: When a visiting diplomat asks Bones out on a date, a little white lie starts a chain of events that changes his relationship with Jim
Word Count: 7540
Beta: florahart
A/N: This is our first co-write, and it's loosely inspired by several prompts from the Kink Meme. This is complete and will be posted as we edit each part! Thank you all so much for the comments!
McCoy was going to go on a date with Jim Kirk.
He'd been saying that to himself all day long and trying to ignore the small thrill that came with it, tagging along to pure and utter shock. It wasn't the part where they were going out, but rather the part of his brain that actually wanted to treat this as serious. Maybe it was crazy, but Jim was doing a hell of a job playing at being his fake boyfriend and the more McCoy thought about it, the fewer complications and barricades existed when it came to the thought of actually approaching this seriously. Maybe when Arlington left, they could even have a conversation and they wouldn't have to just end it.
Of course, that was McCoy's hope. He knew Jim had a spirited mind of his own and could do anything he liked. He knew that it wasn't just going to happen. After all, Jim had a long history of heading out on Shore Leave and enjoying himself with the girls he met. McCoy would actually have to make a concerted effort. And there was no crime in enjoying things until then, when Jim would decide he was ready to move on, find someone with a better rack than Bones had and continue on with his life.
He'd parted ways with Arlington after dinner and had started grabbing his things to get ready for the evening. It was exactly as a real date might have been. He got together beer and a blanket, and then found a couple of dessert recipes, taking the time to put together something as simple as a cobbler before heading to the deck to settle in the corner. Space was out there all around him, making him twitchy and nervous as it always did. As it always did, at least, when Jim wasn't there to remind him of their mission and what they were doing up in the black. Jim helped with McCoy's anxiety and always had. Now was no different. He'd even managed to dress up fairly nicely, if a dark green button-down and dark jeans could be considered that. It was enough to make him feel sixteen again, but he didn't exactly do fake relationships back then just to dissuade suitors.
There was a first time for everything, he supposed.
It had been a hell of a day. Whispers had followed Jim everywhere, and he’d overheard more than one conversation where the words ‘poor McCoy’ and ‘unfaithful boyfriend’ were used. His crew liked him as captain, he knew that, but it seemed that their belief in him didn’t extend to his personal life. Of course, with the reputation that he’d had at Academy and the encounters he’d had since, it was little surprise that they didn’t think he’d be able to treat Bones right. It still irritated him, especially since a lot of his reputation was overblown in the first place. It wasn’t any of their business anyway. He liked sex, liked the physical contact that sex involved, and he made no apologies for it.
That didn’t really make it any easier to be cast as the seductive evil villain in this whole scenario, since some of the crew seemed to think they’d kept their relationship a secret because he’d wanted to cheat or he’d been ashamed or for any other number of reasons that basically called his integrity into question. He was going to have to prepare for the backlash when this charade ended, because he doubted anyone would speak to him for ages when they thought he’d broken ‘poor McCoy’s’ heart. At least Spock hadn’t warned him not to hurt Bones. In fact, Spock hadn’t really said much of anything when Jim had told him about the relationship except congratulations and a remark about Jim not trusting him with this secret that made Jim feel guilty in less than thirty words.
All that was over now, fortunately. Work was finished, and Jim had gone to the gym right after. He hadn’t bothered to get dinner, since he knew Bones was dining with Arlington and he didn’t feel like dealing with more whispers and glares or curious looks from the crew. Instead, he stayed in the gym longer before he went back to his quarters to take a shower and to get ready for his date. With Bones. A date with Bones. He still didn’t know how he felt about their first date being part of a pretend relationship, but it wasn’t like he’d have gotten a date any other way. Hell, their first kiss had also been part of the fake thing, so he shouldn’t care. But, in a way, he did, not that he wanted to figure out why.
This was going to be a date, though, and who knew if Arlington or someone else might be watching, so he planned to focus and treat it like it was real. After his shower, he pulled on one of his best shirts, which just happened to be in a brilliant blue that complimented his eyes, and he chose a pair of dark gray pants that made his ass look great. It was a little dressier than he’d usually wear, especially on the ship, but this was a special occasion. He combed his hair, brushed his teeth, put on just a little cologne, and left his room.
When he reached the observation deck, he spotted Bones immediately. He had a sort of sixth sense when it came to that, a Bones Sense, and it was working spot-on tonight. Bones was wearing green, which looked really good on him, and Jim was glad that he’d decided to wear something nice or else he might have felt a little awkward seeing Bones dressed well. He crossed the room and smiled when he reached the blanket.
“Hope I’m not late,” he said, kneeling down beside Bones. He leaned over and brushed his lips across Bones’ mouth lightly. “I had to shower after working out.”
McCoy swore that something stopped and there was a palpitation in his chest the minute that he caught sight of Jim entering the observation deck. It was that shirt in combination with those pants and together, he was pretty sure that he could be forgiven if he lost the ability to properly speak when Jim looked like that. He was all beauty and a fair amount of sex on legs and McCoy shifted slightly to try and quell his blood from rushing to his cock and telling him to reschedule the date for more private quarters. He braced himself as Jim crossed the room and arranged the pillows they had so that he could lean back and try and at least appear casual.
"You're right on time," he promised when Jim knelt down beside him. McCoy shifted so that he could pat the space beside him, trying to encourage Jim to sit right with him, possibly to curl up so that McCoy could indulge in the intimacy that they had never really had on this level (though they'd done a good job of having everything but). "Made sure I got your favorite beer," he assured, lifting them from the bucket of ice, gesturing to the other basket. "And something to make up for breakfast this morning." He wanted this to go well and part of him wanted it to be even better because Arlington wasn't there and this was just them in a room with some of the crew, having a date. This was their first date. McCoy licked his lips and tried to settle himself as he flashed an anxious smile.
"What are you trying to make up from breakfast?" Jim asked curiously. He sat down next to Bones and shifted until he was comfortable against the pile of pillows. "Oh, you mean the bacon? Yeah, I was kinda annoyed at you being all scolding parent in front of the man who’s after you, but I should be used to it by now. For the record, I ate all sorts of green stuff for lunch, so I think that should cancel out the bacon." He kicked off his shoes and settled against Bones, enjoying the chance to sit so close without worrying if Bones would get weird about it.
"I figured we could eat here and look skywards. Heard we're seeing some pretty amazing constellations in this part of the sector," McCoy offered, ignoring everyone else around them and their issues from the morning. In that shirt, with that smile on his face, McCoy really only had eyes for Jim.
When Bones started to ramble about the stars, he looked at him and arched a brow. "You hate space," he said. "Or, at least, it bothers you, especially looking out at it like this. You don't have to pretend otherwise with me, Bones. I know you, remember?" He smiled and reached for a beer, handing it to Bones before taking one for himself. "The view is great." He looked out and admired it for a moment before he took a drink from his bottle. "It's funny, really, how much I love being out here when it was never really anything that I aimed for. In fact, I didn't want anything to do with space at all as a kid. Now look at me."
"I might hate space, but you have to admit that the stars never did anything horrible to me," he grumbled, hating to say that. "I'm not saying I'm ready to waltz out there in a suit that'll get punctured catching on God knows what but surely something and leave me to die, but I guess space has a couple of viewpoints that aren't entirely horrible. Plus, it reminds you of how small you are," McCoy said quietly. "Humbling, I guess. That you can travel the entire breadth of space and still only be a speck. Makes me think that if we're going to live under this vastness, the best we can do is just live the best lives we can, because the universe doesn't give a damn. But we should."
"You're right. The universe doesn't give a damn. No one gives a damn unless we do. It's a hard fact of life, really. If you don't care, no one will. Hell, even if you do, there's a good chance that no one else will." He glanced out at the sky around them. "Sometimes you get lucky, though, and you run into someone who does. Then you've got even more reason to want to live, to have the best life you can, and that helps make you not feel quite so small in the scheme of things." He looked back at Bones and smiled. "It's really nice to know someone else gives a damn."
"I always give a damn about you, Jim," McCoy promised, words meant to be just between them. He reached over to the basket and flipped the napkin over to reveal the dessert, placing it in front of Jim as he relaxed and tried to keep his gaze off the stars, but on fixed points inside the ship.
When Jim smelled food, his stomach began to growl, reminding him that he hadn't eaten since the veggie lunch, which hadn't been too filling. "Oh, that looks good. Did you cook it?" He picked up a fork and dug right into it, not wasting time to get a plate or anything. He moaned in appreciation at the first bite, licking his fork when he finished. "Damn, that's good." He continued to eat while listening to Bones and watching his face. Finally, he offered a forkful to Bones. "Try it." Jim leaned more into Bones and relaxed, enjoying the feel of his arm around his shoulders.
He took a long sip of beer, relaxing back and letting his hand drop from Jim's shoulder to his waist, brushing there lightly. "I know what my food tastes like," he said, still leaning up to eat the cobbler from the fork, swallowing it and nodding thoughtfully. "Only been making it since I was fourteen and my mother said it was the best thing she ever had." He'd done a lot for his mother and his father. Hell, that was part of the problem.
Bones was touching his waist now, which was more distracting than his shoulder and neck had been. "You made it then? Didn't think it tasted like it was from the replicator, but you've obviously been holding out on me. I demand baked goods more often," he decided, nudging his elbow into Bones' side. He was relieved that Bones seemed to be so comfortable with the touching and that aspect of this dating thing, but it was also almost too comfortable. It was too easy to forget that this was nothing more than pretend if he let himself. "Can you cook anything else? And why am I just now finding out about this hidden talent after six years?"
He lightly pried away the dessert when Jim started talking about more baked goods and more cooking. "I reserve cooking for special occasions like first dates. And besides, the last thing you need is a constant supply of cookies and pies," McCoy pointed out, tucking the cobbler away again to be had at another time. "You've eaten my food before, you just like to think it's the replicator and I never cared enough to correct you." But peach cobbler was a personal pride being as it went so far back in his family history.
Jim smiled wryly before he shook his head and concentrated his attention on Bones. "Peach cobbler making aside, how was your day?"
McCoy occupied himself by draping one arm around Jim's shoulders to idly keep him close by, thumb brushing light circles against his skin, a distracted and pleased movement that he could do and keep Jim safe by him, to keep him protected. He tried to do that in general, but Jim had an uncanny habit of finding trouble and making McCoy worry about his well-being. "My day was vaccines and longing looks with a side of Chapel glaring at me like I offended her cousin." He shifted and relaxed a little more onto the pillows. "She's concerned for you, apparently. Thinks that you need someone who isn't a primary physician and isn't so emotionally crippled from a divorce. Not the exact words, but it was hinted at." It hadn't been enough to put him off, though.
When he mentioned Chapel, Jim couldn't help but grin. "Really? She's on my side of it?" he asked, finding that difficult to believe but also exciting. "She's about the only one, I think. I never really knew how low so many people's opinions were about my personal character until today. I'm a very well-respected captain, but that doesn't seem to extend to my personal life. You, on the other hand, have a lot of people who worry about you getting hurt, so you must not scare them too much even when you're gruff and unpleasant. Remind me to give Christine a promotion," he teased.
"Give her a raise, not a promotion. You'll make her power-hungry and then I'll have to start worrying about hyposprays hiding around the corner," McCoy sighed, considering he wouldn’t put it past her (or any of the Medical staff who were career-minded).
Jim looked at Bones and became serious. "Seriously though, don't let it bother you. I'm trying not to let the whispers and other shit bother me. She's wrong, anyway. The divorced fucked you up some, sure, but we're all emotionally crippled in our own ways. You're exactly what I need, Bones, and that's that."
If gruff and unpleasant was still managing to somehow evade people and let them still like him, then McCoy had the feeling he needed to step up his game because apparently he was starting to appear cuddly. That was just ten kinds of wrong and he was a thirty-four year old man who could handle himself. He didn't need protection. "They can screw off for all I care," he announced sharply, tightening his grip on Jim's shoulder slightly, subconsciously and mildly aware of what he was doing. "I can take care of myself and even if this was this for the last three years, I'd have made sure I was happy or I would have ended it. They think I'm some weak-willed pussy of a man, if I was, I'd still be married." He knew better than to suffer, even if he was putting himself through hell with this (given that he was enjoying it too much).
"It's really stupid because there's no way that I'd ever cheat on you, but they all seem to believe that I can only think with my dick. It's also insulting because it's like I wouldn't be satisfied with just you, which is just wrong," he said, getting more annoyed as he thought about it. "I don't think they're protecting you because you're a pussy, Bones. They think I'm the type that can only hurt and cause trouble if I ever got close enough to someone like that, no matter how strong you are." He shrugged a shoulder. "I've heard worse, so fuck them."
McCoy put those painful memories aside and cleared his throat. "If the crew think that you're the bad guy, they're going to meet a very painful set of hyposprays next physical," McCoy assured, bending his head just enough to brush his lips against Jim's neck, closing his eyes as he took in the warmth and the familiar smell and everything about this situation that was all parts amazing and all parts tense at once. "Fuck 'em is right," he concurred sharply. "Hell, it's not like we went through the Academy without reputations."
McCoy had spent nearly a year trying to buck the 'he's just a failed alcoholic' after the shuttle and the first few weeks and sure, he'd contributed to it, but it wasn't all of who he was. He offered Jim a small bowl of whipped cream for the dessert, thinking about what they were talking about. "You ever think about finding someone out there in the long run? You know, someone to wake up to, someone that makes you want to live. I'm sure you've met some women that fit the description. The kind that're able to bear the Kirk genes?" he teased lightly, trying to keep the unpleasant feelings at bay that Jim's answer would be that yes, yes he did think about that, and he would rather have that than McCoy.
When Bones handed him a bowl with whipped cream, Jim allowed himself a moment to indulge in a very inappropriate fantasy involving his best friend, whipped cream, and lots of sex. He shifted slightly because his imagination was even more vivid now that he knew what kissing Bones tasted like and how their bodies felt pressed close together. At Bones' question, his fantasy ended abruptly and he looked up.
"I've already found someone like that," he said honestly, only realizing after that he probably should have kept that to himself. He smiled wryly. "I mean, I've found someone who makes me want to live, Bones. I found you." He dipped his finger into the whipped cream and sucked it off, giving himself time to think about Bones' real question. "And, yeah, of course I have. Not kids because, hell, I don't know. I probably wouldn't be a good father, and Sam's already taken care of ensuring that the Kirk name lives on, so no pressure there. But the waking up with someone and sharing all aspects of my life with them is something I've thought about. The thing is, I've already got one woman in my life who has to be my priority, is my greatest love, and there aren't many people, male or female, who would understand that and accept it. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but, well, so long as I've got you and my ship, the rest isn't that important."
He watched Jim and swallowed hard as he watched the whipped cream being sucked off his finger, shifting uncomfortably because Jim was going to feel a hard-on against his hip if McCoy wasn't careful about this. "Stop it with the whipped cream, you'll get a cavity with all that. It's pure calories," he grumbled. Better to sound like a complainer than worry about Jim feeling something he shouldn't.
"Damn it, Bones. Could you lay off my eating habits, just for a few hours?" He rolled his eyes and moved his hand over his belly, poking it. "I'm skinny, even if there's maybe a little bit of excess right here. My tests are not bad. I don't have cavities. It isn't even that often that I indulge in sweets, so the scolding is unnecessary. Besides, I'm hungry, and that cobbler is delicious." He looked at Bones. "What about you? Sure, things with the Ex didn't work out, but that shouldn't mean that you never try again. You ever think about finding someone else and trying again?"
"Your stress test wasn't as good as when you first came on board, Jim, I'm legitimately concerned here," he pointed out sharply, but he still leaned over to get the cobbler back and offer it out to Jim, relaxing back and stroking his fingers over Jim's waist still as he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drop into a fantasy that really was very tame compared to what he could have been thinking about (and was, to an extent, with him and Jim together, writhing on the blanket in a lonely observation deck...)
What about you? Well, what about him? The truth was that McCoy definitely spent a good bit of time thinking about the future and about waking up to someone and having someone in the capacity that he'd had Jocelyn once things were good. He tried not to think too hard on Jim saying that McCoy was the utmost important person in his life. They technically were, but it just wasn't really in the way that McCoy wanted it to be. And he couldn't just out and say that he wanted it to be more. He could lay his cards on the table and make it so that Jim was clear on what he wanted.
"Me? Always figured I'd remarry, I guess," he admitted as he took away the whipped cream and lay down on the blanket, one arm behind his head, the other still draped over Jim. "I guess I just miss the happy parts of my marriage. It was unlike anything I've ever had."
Bones started talking about remarrying, which didn't really put Jim into a great mood. He'd have to be best man, of course, and he'd have to shut the door firmly on any feelings and attraction that he felt for Bones because he wouldn't want to give the new wife any reason to hate him and keep him away. He frowned and shifted so that he was lying down beside Bones, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm glad you can remember the happy parts of marriage. That's a sign of improvement from when we first met," he said finally. He really couldn't hate some hypothetical bride to be so it was pointless to let that ruin his mood or their date. "What was it like? Being married. Hell, even being in a relationship beforehand. Today has been my first experience with that sort of thing, and I can see parts of it being real nice”
The fantasies idly running through McCoy’s mind dissipated, though, when Jim starting talking about the marriage. "It was...comfortable. Like the best pair of shoes you've ever had. They've molded to you and you know every aspect of them and every day, you can't wait to get home to them," McCoy explained with a pleased smile on his face, relaxing a little more as he cast Jim in that role in his mind. "And the sex is better. I stand by that.”
Jim snorted. "Don't think I've ever heard you talking so fondly about shoes before," he said, teasing just a little. What Bones talked about sounded unlike anything Jim had ever felt before, and he was possibly envious of the Ex for being able to have that. Of course, she'd been stupid enough to throw it away, so maybe he wasn't that envious, after all. It wasn't like he was going to be marrying Bones or anything. Arlington would be convinced easily enough without a wedding. Besides, Bones had already refused to marry him yesterday, so there was no point in even indulging in thoughts about that. Everything was getting all mixed up now, though, with long buried attraction and interest no longer carefully tucked away in the back of his mind where it wouldn't interfere with his normal thoughts.
"Well, marriage-shoes are good shoes," McCoy teased right back, opening his eyes and letting the fantasies slowly dissipate away until all he was left with was reality. It was all he actually had and he wasn't going to have it for that much longer, so there was no point in spending all his time worried about that.
"Marriage-shoes. Got it." Jim laughed and moved closer to Bones. This was more fun than he expected. Not the date part, since he figured he'd enjoy that, but the just lying around and talking quietly about random things part. They talked a lot, even actually said important things sometimes, and he never really got tired of it. Bones' ability to actually listen to him and not just write him off as either a loser or a brainless pretty face was one of many reasons why they've been able to become such good friends. Jim actually let him in when he normally keeps everyone out. He still did that, even if he'd developed friendships with a few of his crew over the years. His friendship with Spock was strong and solid, but it was nothing like the epic thing that old Spock talked about whenever they visited.
Jim sort of thought that the whole 'universe changing' thing had extended to that, too, because he had Bones and Spock had Uhura in this reality. "Was the sex better because of the marriage or the relationship?" Jim asked, as if he couldn’t let the conversation go any further without knowing. He rolled his head slightly so he could look at Bones. "I mean, I know there's a difference in the sex I have and what it'd be like with someone I actually planned to see again or cared about. I don't have to experience both kinds to realize that. But do you mean that the sex was better when you were married or just when you were in love with her?" It was a stupid question, a totally ridiculous minor point he needed to know, but maybe there was a chance that Bones would have sex with him one day and he could feel that whatever it was Bones was talking about since he knew there wouldn't be any marriage. And the fact that he was actually thinking about that was probably something he should consider worrisome.
"Well," McCoy continued. "The honeymoon is still the bar to which I compare all my other experiences." Not that he had a lot of them, but it was still the one he set high enough for himself. His mind took a small detour and tried to occupy him with aspects of possibilities, of Jim and him in a bed together, of having that connection, but he tucked it away and did his best not to focus on it. “I know it's going to sound stupid as anything, Jim, I really do, but the sex was better after the papers were signed and we had rings. Beyond all of that, it’d be nice to be able to give Jo a step-parent," he said carefully, not wanting to say 'mother' or 'father' when this was all just hypotheticals.
“Do you really think that Jo would want a stepmother? I mean, you listed that as like a primary reason you've considered getting married again. I was just curious how high up on the list that is. My experience with step-parents isn't the best, so I can't really figure whether she'd want one or not," he mused. "She probably wants you to be happy, though, so she'll deal with whatever happened like that. I do, too. Want you to be happy, I mean."
“Jo likes you," McCoy said and regretted before he took a moment to wonder why he should regret that. He opened his eyes and looked at Jim and let him take whatever he wanted from that. "You're a good paternal figure and she likes you.”
"Yeah, she does. Has bad taste, obviously, like her dad." He grinned when he thought about Jo. Being a parent wouldn't be so bad if all kids were as easy to deal with as she was. "I like her, too." He didn't really know what that had to do with Jo liking or disliking a stepmother, but maybe Bones meant that she'd always have Jim in her life regardless. Reassuring him, most likely, since he obviously knew that Jim was scared about being pushed out of his life if he got seriously involved with some woman who didn't like Jim hanging around all the time. "Not sure I'd call myself a good paternal figure, but I certainly plan to give her a talk about boys and their habit of thinking with their dicks until they're in their late twenties and to just stay away from them. But, knowing her, that'd make her not stay away, so then I'll give her the lecture about pregnancy and STDs that's not all boring and medical like yours would be."
"Now, Jim-boy, please tell me you don't do all your thinking with your dick," Bones drawled. And as opposed to earlier, this was a genuine use of it as he warmly teased Jim.
When Bones started to tease him again, drawling quietly, Jim smiled. He loved hearing Bones talk like that, even if it usually only happened when he was really worried or angry or, more rarely, when he was relaxed. He always wondered if it'd slip out during sex, when Bones was flushed and excited and so aroused that he couldn't stay in control. And that was definitely not the best thing to be thinking when they were basically cuddling under a blanket like a couple of teenagers. "Nah, I don't. Not all of it," he said, grinning as he moved his fingers over the back of Bones' hand. "Just some of it.
Bones noticed, vaguely, that they were suddenly the only two people in the entire deck. And they could possibly stop pretending. Instead, though, he rubbed the back of his hand against Jim's cheek and brushed it down his neck. "So it wasn't your dick that was talking to me last night, telling me it wanted that cuddle?" he couldn't help teasing.
If there was another thing to add to the list of reasons to be thankful for this charade, it was the fact that it was causing Bones to touch so freely. Jim was already getting spoiled to that, just after a day, and he was going to miss it when this was over. Bones was touching his face now and then down his neck, touching the mark there that had gotten more than a few stares during the day. "If my dick was talking to you, it wouldn't be wanting a cuddle," he said. "You're the one who dragged me across the bed, so maybe your dick was trying to tell you something."
"I am ignoring this conversation before it gets utterly out of hand. We were talking about Joanna and Jo adores you," Bones echoed fondly and smiled warmly. "And you can give her the lecture on pregnancy, STD's, men-as-jerks, and you can also tell her all the dangers of space travel, seeing as I'm convinced she tunes me out now when I try and give her warnings about the fact that it's not the safest place in the world up amidst the stars." He shuffled as he said that, reaching for a spare blanket he'd brought with him and draped it over the both of them, trying to fight a chill as he spoke about space and the black of it made him colder just to think on it.
And just why would I want to tell her about the dangers of space when I fully intend to see her become captain one day?" he asked, reaching down to touch Bones' hand as it smoothed a blanket over them. "Or CMO, since she still hasn't decided if she wants to go into medical or consider a command program. I'm encouraging her to pursue engineering or science if she chooses the latter, because I think it would make her well-rounded, even if I don't have that myself."
"She is not captaining," McCoy grunted firmly, stubbornness reigning his voice. "She's going into Medical, she just doesn't know it yet. She has to follow in the McCoy footsteps. My father did it, I did it, now it's her turn because Jocelyn and I never got around to giving her a baby brother." Not that they hadn't tried before things started to turn bad.
"I think Jo'd be a brilliant captain." He smirked. "I bought her a shirt in gold for her birthday last year, remember? She took to the color naturally. Besides, she'll be whatever she wants, whether you like it or not." His smirk faded slightly as he added, "And you're young enough that she could very well get a little brother at some point, if you decide to remarry."
McCoy had to take a moment to think about the notion of remarrying and before he even realized it, he was speaking aloud. “If I ever did remarry, it’d have to be with someone that I could trust. I mean, there’s really something about that bond with someone else, when you just abandon the idea of ever being with anyone else, even in the back of your heads, and..." He gave a weary laugh as he shook his head.
"Did that ever scare you, the giving up anyone else just for them part? Did you stop even fantasizing about other women?" He looked back at the ceiling and considered the concept. In a way, he was faithful to the Enterprise. He'd sworn off casual sex and wild drunken nights when he accepted the captaincy of her, and he'd been pretty damn faithful to her ever since. He didn't have nearly as much sex as he wanted to, but he refused to have the complication of being involved with a crew member just to satisfy his biological urges. He could get the affection and even the touching that he craved from Bones and Gaila and Chekov, the latter two of whom were also touchy like him, so it worked out well for casual hugs and stuff. But during shore leave and the occasional planetside mission, he took advantage of the opportunity for sex with a willing partner, so he'd never actually just had one partner only for any length of time. "I'd think it might get boring, but it's not like you couldn't try new things sometimes to shake things up if it did, I suppose."
Bones stopped to consider the frightening part of marriage, knowing that it could be terrifying, but then...well, he supposed the best way to explain it was to use one of Jim's experiences. "It's like standing at the edge of a cliff with the bungee equipment securely fastened on your back," he explained as he shifted under the blanket. "You're tethered to someone at the top, but you have to take a leap of faith that it's not going to snap and break. And the fall is incredible, but you have to have trust in your partner. That's what it's like. You have to be willing to take that leap, but you have to be sure that you're anchored at a fixed point." He was feeling talkative that evening and he was going to blame Jim for that, since he normally might not have said half of what he did. "I mean, of course you have the odd fantasy about the brunette with the gorgeous behind or the man who winks at you in the hotel on your second anniversary trip, but they're just thoughts. Thoughts can't break up a marriage until you act on them.
"I'm good with those leaps of faith," Jim said thoughtfully. He'd never really considered a relationship like jumping off a cliff, but it sounded more appealing in that context. When he realized something else Bones had said, he looked at him with more surprise than he intended. "Wait, Bones. The man?" He cleared his throat and licked suddenly dry lips. "You mean that in an abstract way, right? Because you're not attracted to men. Not in that way." He needed to hear Bones clarify that so that his imagination would stop running away from him and he could focus back on this pretending without thoughts that maybe it wasn't nearly as fake as he wanted to believe.
McCoy shifted slightly away from Jim and braced himself lightly as he sat up from where he was lying down, trying not to disturb Jim too much as he did so, a look of discomfort flickering over his face. "It's not going to be a problem with us if I say yes, is it? That I can be attracted to them?" He didn't think this was going to happen, of all things. Jim seemed so open about things and considering their little ruse, Jim seemed plenty capable of performing it, too. So why was he suddenly acting as if McCoy being attracted to men was something like killing puppies? He ignored the rest, ignored the comment about Jo, about a little brother for her, definitely ignored the argument he doubted he was ever going to win about who had shifted in bed.
Plain and simple, McCoy wanted to take a shot at this. Except that he wasn't entirely sure of it when Jim was looking at him like that and he didn't know what to do about it.
"Hell, Jim, if it makes you feel better, I'll tell you that I've never thought about another man that way?" he offered, but it was a little less than convincing. If Jim wanted to be in denial enough, though, he could run with it. Anything to get them back to the status quo (even if that meant that McCoy had to then give up on any hope of prolonging this arrangement so that...well, so that it never did end).
Bones pulled away and started talking about problems and other shit that Jim wasn't really listening to because he was still focused on the fact that Bones was attracted to men. "What?" He blinked and frowned. "It wouldn't make me feel better if you lied to me, asshole. How can it be a problem if you're being honest? Anyway, it's not like I don't also find men attractive sometimes and all." He reached up and dragged his thumb over the curve of Bones' lips. "I'm just trying to figure it out. Why did you come up with this plan if you weren't uncomfortable that Arlington was a man?" he asked. "I mean, you told me your excuse about authority and being transferred, but, honestly, that's a cop-out, isn't it? You know that I'd fight for you, my best friend and brilliant CMO even without the recent changes, so I thought it must be due to the man thing. But if it isn't that, then I just don't understand, and, yeah, maybe that bugs me because I usually get you in ways I can never figure anyone else out."
"Jim, I panicked, plain and simple. Don't look for deeper meaning, don't think it has anything to do with the fact that Arlington wants me, I don't want him, and I don't want the consequence of turning him down on the basis of 'you're not my type'," McCoy said, leaning away from Jim's thumb before it could do other things to him, like make him take his fingers into his mouth and suck on them. Jim's fingers were very powerful in their own way and he didn't want to deal with that. "Okay? I didn't want you fighting for me like that. Because my reputation gets shot to shit when I need the Captain to come protect me and you wind up looking like you can't operate without me around. Neither of us needed that, so I panicked, Jim, I just...panicked."
And he was panicking now, too, recalling how vast space was and how close it was just outside of the observation deck and the glass and he nearly lunged for the alcohol, taking a deep pull as he tugged at his collar, trying to avert a panic attack from taking over and making him useless. Shit, he needed to get out of there.
As Bones talked, Jim sat up. "Hey, stop," he said. "You know me. I'm like a dog with a bone. Or, in this case, Bones?" He grimaced at how bad that joke turned out when verbalized. "I'm just not used to you being the rash and impulsive one, so I'm still trying to decide if I should be proud of you or worried." He touched Bones' shoulders, moving so he could rest his chin on one after seeing the panicked look on his face and the way his pulse was racing. "Deep breaths. Look at me, not outside."
He touched Bones' face, thinking that touching couldn't hurt when Bones was sitting there all tense and starting to fidget with his collar. "It doesn't matter, all right? You're right. It wouldn't have done either of us any good if it had been pushed to a fight." He tried to keep his voice calm and soothing because he didn't want their date to end in another fight, especially not one he caused by being so damn curious and possibly even a little insecure. "You look really good tonight," he blurted out. "That color green and those jeans. Well, it's a deadly combination for anyone with eyes, you know?"
Jim was being the anchor for him and he took in a shaky deep breath and listened to what Jim was coaxing him to do, trying to focus on Jim and not the endless vacuum just past his shoulder. He pulled in a long inhalation and focused on perfect blue eyes and just stared there, his fingers clasping a handful of Jim's shirt and clenching the fabric hard, trying to hold on to him as best as he could. "He'll be gone soon enough, Jim, we can do things by our own normal pace soon enough," he said roughly, half to himself to make sure he wouldn't go over the edge and need to find a bathroom to throw up in.
The compliment, though, came out of nowhere. "This? Jo gave me the shirt. Said the color looked pretty next to my hair. In her defense, she was young at the time." McCoy still felt threadbare, like his voice was too thin and he might fall apart any second. "Besides, I've got nothing on you."
"That's right. Our own pace," he repeated when Bones looked at him and seemed to start calming down. "Just keep looking at me and breathing, okay?" He was so proud of Bones for managing to deal with his phobia, especially enough to accept an assignment on a damn starship. He moved his hand up to stroke the back of Bones' neck and head lightly. “You can handle this. It always amazes me how well you deal with it, how strong you are to be able to work up here despite the fear.”
"She's right. The color looks good on you." This was odd conversation for them, discussing shirts and colors, but maybe it was appropriate for a date. Fortunately, it seemed to be distracting Bones, which was the most important thing. "We're not competing for hottest guy on the ship, so there's no need to compare ourselves. You're good looking, and you have to know it because you're not stupid. Also, your ass is always fantastic in jeans, so I doubt tonight is any exception." He grinned. "Feeling any better?"
"Honestly?" McCoy managed, brushing the back of his hand against his forehead. "I feel like I could throw up, still." And it wasn't something he intended to do on the observation deck. "Come back to my room, I've got the shutters set so I can make it seem like I'm not in space." He needed that for a while, a feeling of being safely encased by walls and not floating in orbit, millions of light years away from home. His stomach felt at unease and it was for the best that they didn't relive their first meeting anytime soon.
Chapter 4 | Chapter 6
Authors: andrealyn and inell
Pairing: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: Adult/NC17
Summary: When a visiting diplomat asks Bones out on a date, a little white lie starts a chain of events that changes his relationship with Jim
Word Count: 7540
Beta: florahart
A/N: This is our first co-write, and it's loosely inspired by several prompts from the Kink Meme. This is complete and will be posted as we edit each part! Thank you all so much for the comments!
McCoy was going to go on a date with Jim Kirk.
He'd been saying that to himself all day long and trying to ignore the small thrill that came with it, tagging along to pure and utter shock. It wasn't the part where they were going out, but rather the part of his brain that actually wanted to treat this as serious. Maybe it was crazy, but Jim was doing a hell of a job playing at being his fake boyfriend and the more McCoy thought about it, the fewer complications and barricades existed when it came to the thought of actually approaching this seriously. Maybe when Arlington left, they could even have a conversation and they wouldn't have to just end it.
Of course, that was McCoy's hope. He knew Jim had a spirited mind of his own and could do anything he liked. He knew that it wasn't just going to happen. After all, Jim had a long history of heading out on Shore Leave and enjoying himself with the girls he met. McCoy would actually have to make a concerted effort. And there was no crime in enjoying things until then, when Jim would decide he was ready to move on, find someone with a better rack than Bones had and continue on with his life.
He'd parted ways with Arlington after dinner and had started grabbing his things to get ready for the evening. It was exactly as a real date might have been. He got together beer and a blanket, and then found a couple of dessert recipes, taking the time to put together something as simple as a cobbler before heading to the deck to settle in the corner. Space was out there all around him, making him twitchy and nervous as it always did. As it always did, at least, when Jim wasn't there to remind him of their mission and what they were doing up in the black. Jim helped with McCoy's anxiety and always had. Now was no different. He'd even managed to dress up fairly nicely, if a dark green button-down and dark jeans could be considered that. It was enough to make him feel sixteen again, but he didn't exactly do fake relationships back then just to dissuade suitors.
There was a first time for everything, he supposed.
It had been a hell of a day. Whispers had followed Jim everywhere, and he’d overheard more than one conversation where the words ‘poor McCoy’ and ‘unfaithful boyfriend’ were used. His crew liked him as captain, he knew that, but it seemed that their belief in him didn’t extend to his personal life. Of course, with the reputation that he’d had at Academy and the encounters he’d had since, it was little surprise that they didn’t think he’d be able to treat Bones right. It still irritated him, especially since a lot of his reputation was overblown in the first place. It wasn’t any of their business anyway. He liked sex, liked the physical contact that sex involved, and he made no apologies for it.
That didn’t really make it any easier to be cast as the seductive evil villain in this whole scenario, since some of the crew seemed to think they’d kept their relationship a secret because he’d wanted to cheat or he’d been ashamed or for any other number of reasons that basically called his integrity into question. He was going to have to prepare for the backlash when this charade ended, because he doubted anyone would speak to him for ages when they thought he’d broken ‘poor McCoy’s’ heart. At least Spock hadn’t warned him not to hurt Bones. In fact, Spock hadn’t really said much of anything when Jim had told him about the relationship except congratulations and a remark about Jim not trusting him with this secret that made Jim feel guilty in less than thirty words.
All that was over now, fortunately. Work was finished, and Jim had gone to the gym right after. He hadn’t bothered to get dinner, since he knew Bones was dining with Arlington and he didn’t feel like dealing with more whispers and glares or curious looks from the crew. Instead, he stayed in the gym longer before he went back to his quarters to take a shower and to get ready for his date. With Bones. A date with Bones. He still didn’t know how he felt about their first date being part of a pretend relationship, but it wasn’t like he’d have gotten a date any other way. Hell, their first kiss had also been part of the fake thing, so he shouldn’t care. But, in a way, he did, not that he wanted to figure out why.
This was going to be a date, though, and who knew if Arlington or someone else might be watching, so he planned to focus and treat it like it was real. After his shower, he pulled on one of his best shirts, which just happened to be in a brilliant blue that complimented his eyes, and he chose a pair of dark gray pants that made his ass look great. It was a little dressier than he’d usually wear, especially on the ship, but this was a special occasion. He combed his hair, brushed his teeth, put on just a little cologne, and left his room.
When he reached the observation deck, he spotted Bones immediately. He had a sort of sixth sense when it came to that, a Bones Sense, and it was working spot-on tonight. Bones was wearing green, which looked really good on him, and Jim was glad that he’d decided to wear something nice or else he might have felt a little awkward seeing Bones dressed well. He crossed the room and smiled when he reached the blanket.
“Hope I’m not late,” he said, kneeling down beside Bones. He leaned over and brushed his lips across Bones’ mouth lightly. “I had to shower after working out.”
McCoy swore that something stopped and there was a palpitation in his chest the minute that he caught sight of Jim entering the observation deck. It was that shirt in combination with those pants and together, he was pretty sure that he could be forgiven if he lost the ability to properly speak when Jim looked like that. He was all beauty and a fair amount of sex on legs and McCoy shifted slightly to try and quell his blood from rushing to his cock and telling him to reschedule the date for more private quarters. He braced himself as Jim crossed the room and arranged the pillows they had so that he could lean back and try and at least appear casual.
"You're right on time," he promised when Jim knelt down beside him. McCoy shifted so that he could pat the space beside him, trying to encourage Jim to sit right with him, possibly to curl up so that McCoy could indulge in the intimacy that they had never really had on this level (though they'd done a good job of having everything but). "Made sure I got your favorite beer," he assured, lifting them from the bucket of ice, gesturing to the other basket. "And something to make up for breakfast this morning." He wanted this to go well and part of him wanted it to be even better because Arlington wasn't there and this was just them in a room with some of the crew, having a date. This was their first date. McCoy licked his lips and tried to settle himself as he flashed an anxious smile.
"What are you trying to make up from breakfast?" Jim asked curiously. He sat down next to Bones and shifted until he was comfortable against the pile of pillows. "Oh, you mean the bacon? Yeah, I was kinda annoyed at you being all scolding parent in front of the man who’s after you, but I should be used to it by now. For the record, I ate all sorts of green stuff for lunch, so I think that should cancel out the bacon." He kicked off his shoes and settled against Bones, enjoying the chance to sit so close without worrying if Bones would get weird about it.
"I figured we could eat here and look skywards. Heard we're seeing some pretty amazing constellations in this part of the sector," McCoy offered, ignoring everyone else around them and their issues from the morning. In that shirt, with that smile on his face, McCoy really only had eyes for Jim.
When Bones started to ramble about the stars, he looked at him and arched a brow. "You hate space," he said. "Or, at least, it bothers you, especially looking out at it like this. You don't have to pretend otherwise with me, Bones. I know you, remember?" He smiled and reached for a beer, handing it to Bones before taking one for himself. "The view is great." He looked out and admired it for a moment before he took a drink from his bottle. "It's funny, really, how much I love being out here when it was never really anything that I aimed for. In fact, I didn't want anything to do with space at all as a kid. Now look at me."
"I might hate space, but you have to admit that the stars never did anything horrible to me," he grumbled, hating to say that. "I'm not saying I'm ready to waltz out there in a suit that'll get punctured catching on God knows what but surely something and leave me to die, but I guess space has a couple of viewpoints that aren't entirely horrible. Plus, it reminds you of how small you are," McCoy said quietly. "Humbling, I guess. That you can travel the entire breadth of space and still only be a speck. Makes me think that if we're going to live under this vastness, the best we can do is just live the best lives we can, because the universe doesn't give a damn. But we should."
"You're right. The universe doesn't give a damn. No one gives a damn unless we do. It's a hard fact of life, really. If you don't care, no one will. Hell, even if you do, there's a good chance that no one else will." He glanced out at the sky around them. "Sometimes you get lucky, though, and you run into someone who does. Then you've got even more reason to want to live, to have the best life you can, and that helps make you not feel quite so small in the scheme of things." He looked back at Bones and smiled. "It's really nice to know someone else gives a damn."
"I always give a damn about you, Jim," McCoy promised, words meant to be just between them. He reached over to the basket and flipped the napkin over to reveal the dessert, placing it in front of Jim as he relaxed and tried to keep his gaze off the stars, but on fixed points inside the ship.
When Jim smelled food, his stomach began to growl, reminding him that he hadn't eaten since the veggie lunch, which hadn't been too filling. "Oh, that looks good. Did you cook it?" He picked up a fork and dug right into it, not wasting time to get a plate or anything. He moaned in appreciation at the first bite, licking his fork when he finished. "Damn, that's good." He continued to eat while listening to Bones and watching his face. Finally, he offered a forkful to Bones. "Try it." Jim leaned more into Bones and relaxed, enjoying the feel of his arm around his shoulders.
He took a long sip of beer, relaxing back and letting his hand drop from Jim's shoulder to his waist, brushing there lightly. "I know what my food tastes like," he said, still leaning up to eat the cobbler from the fork, swallowing it and nodding thoughtfully. "Only been making it since I was fourteen and my mother said it was the best thing she ever had." He'd done a lot for his mother and his father. Hell, that was part of the problem.
Bones was touching his waist now, which was more distracting than his shoulder and neck had been. "You made it then? Didn't think it tasted like it was from the replicator, but you've obviously been holding out on me. I demand baked goods more often," he decided, nudging his elbow into Bones' side. He was relieved that Bones seemed to be so comfortable with the touching and that aspect of this dating thing, but it was also almost too comfortable. It was too easy to forget that this was nothing more than pretend if he let himself. "Can you cook anything else? And why am I just now finding out about this hidden talent after six years?"
He lightly pried away the dessert when Jim started talking about more baked goods and more cooking. "I reserve cooking for special occasions like first dates. And besides, the last thing you need is a constant supply of cookies and pies," McCoy pointed out, tucking the cobbler away again to be had at another time. "You've eaten my food before, you just like to think it's the replicator and I never cared enough to correct you." But peach cobbler was a personal pride being as it went so far back in his family history.
Jim smiled wryly before he shook his head and concentrated his attention on Bones. "Peach cobbler making aside, how was your day?"
McCoy occupied himself by draping one arm around Jim's shoulders to idly keep him close by, thumb brushing light circles against his skin, a distracted and pleased movement that he could do and keep Jim safe by him, to keep him protected. He tried to do that in general, but Jim had an uncanny habit of finding trouble and making McCoy worry about his well-being. "My day was vaccines and longing looks with a side of Chapel glaring at me like I offended her cousin." He shifted and relaxed a little more onto the pillows. "She's concerned for you, apparently. Thinks that you need someone who isn't a primary physician and isn't so emotionally crippled from a divorce. Not the exact words, but it was hinted at." It hadn't been enough to put him off, though.
When he mentioned Chapel, Jim couldn't help but grin. "Really? She's on my side of it?" he asked, finding that difficult to believe but also exciting. "She's about the only one, I think. I never really knew how low so many people's opinions were about my personal character until today. I'm a very well-respected captain, but that doesn't seem to extend to my personal life. You, on the other hand, have a lot of people who worry about you getting hurt, so you must not scare them too much even when you're gruff and unpleasant. Remind me to give Christine a promotion," he teased.
"Give her a raise, not a promotion. You'll make her power-hungry and then I'll have to start worrying about hyposprays hiding around the corner," McCoy sighed, considering he wouldn’t put it past her (or any of the Medical staff who were career-minded).
Jim looked at Bones and became serious. "Seriously though, don't let it bother you. I'm trying not to let the whispers and other shit bother me. She's wrong, anyway. The divorced fucked you up some, sure, but we're all emotionally crippled in our own ways. You're exactly what I need, Bones, and that's that."
If gruff and unpleasant was still managing to somehow evade people and let them still like him, then McCoy had the feeling he needed to step up his game because apparently he was starting to appear cuddly. That was just ten kinds of wrong and he was a thirty-four year old man who could handle himself. He didn't need protection. "They can screw off for all I care," he announced sharply, tightening his grip on Jim's shoulder slightly, subconsciously and mildly aware of what he was doing. "I can take care of myself and even if this was this for the last three years, I'd have made sure I was happy or I would have ended it. They think I'm some weak-willed pussy of a man, if I was, I'd still be married." He knew better than to suffer, even if he was putting himself through hell with this (given that he was enjoying it too much).
"It's really stupid because there's no way that I'd ever cheat on you, but they all seem to believe that I can only think with my dick. It's also insulting because it's like I wouldn't be satisfied with just you, which is just wrong," he said, getting more annoyed as he thought about it. "I don't think they're protecting you because you're a pussy, Bones. They think I'm the type that can only hurt and cause trouble if I ever got close enough to someone like that, no matter how strong you are." He shrugged a shoulder. "I've heard worse, so fuck them."
McCoy put those painful memories aside and cleared his throat. "If the crew think that you're the bad guy, they're going to meet a very painful set of hyposprays next physical," McCoy assured, bending his head just enough to brush his lips against Jim's neck, closing his eyes as he took in the warmth and the familiar smell and everything about this situation that was all parts amazing and all parts tense at once. "Fuck 'em is right," he concurred sharply. "Hell, it's not like we went through the Academy without reputations."
McCoy had spent nearly a year trying to buck the 'he's just a failed alcoholic' after the shuttle and the first few weeks and sure, he'd contributed to it, but it wasn't all of who he was. He offered Jim a small bowl of whipped cream for the dessert, thinking about what they were talking about. "You ever think about finding someone out there in the long run? You know, someone to wake up to, someone that makes you want to live. I'm sure you've met some women that fit the description. The kind that're able to bear the Kirk genes?" he teased lightly, trying to keep the unpleasant feelings at bay that Jim's answer would be that yes, yes he did think about that, and he would rather have that than McCoy.
When Bones handed him a bowl with whipped cream, Jim allowed himself a moment to indulge in a very inappropriate fantasy involving his best friend, whipped cream, and lots of sex. He shifted slightly because his imagination was even more vivid now that he knew what kissing Bones tasted like and how their bodies felt pressed close together. At Bones' question, his fantasy ended abruptly and he looked up.
"I've already found someone like that," he said honestly, only realizing after that he probably should have kept that to himself. He smiled wryly. "I mean, I've found someone who makes me want to live, Bones. I found you." He dipped his finger into the whipped cream and sucked it off, giving himself time to think about Bones' real question. "And, yeah, of course I have. Not kids because, hell, I don't know. I probably wouldn't be a good father, and Sam's already taken care of ensuring that the Kirk name lives on, so no pressure there. But the waking up with someone and sharing all aspects of my life with them is something I've thought about. The thing is, I've already got one woman in my life who has to be my priority, is my greatest love, and there aren't many people, male or female, who would understand that and accept it. Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but, well, so long as I've got you and my ship, the rest isn't that important."
He watched Jim and swallowed hard as he watched the whipped cream being sucked off his finger, shifting uncomfortably because Jim was going to feel a hard-on against his hip if McCoy wasn't careful about this. "Stop it with the whipped cream, you'll get a cavity with all that. It's pure calories," he grumbled. Better to sound like a complainer than worry about Jim feeling something he shouldn't.
"Damn it, Bones. Could you lay off my eating habits, just for a few hours?" He rolled his eyes and moved his hand over his belly, poking it. "I'm skinny, even if there's maybe a little bit of excess right here. My tests are not bad. I don't have cavities. It isn't even that often that I indulge in sweets, so the scolding is unnecessary. Besides, I'm hungry, and that cobbler is delicious." He looked at Bones. "What about you? Sure, things with the Ex didn't work out, but that shouldn't mean that you never try again. You ever think about finding someone else and trying again?"
"Your stress test wasn't as good as when you first came on board, Jim, I'm legitimately concerned here," he pointed out sharply, but he still leaned over to get the cobbler back and offer it out to Jim, relaxing back and stroking his fingers over Jim's waist still as he closed his eyes and allowed himself to drop into a fantasy that really was very tame compared to what he could have been thinking about (and was, to an extent, with him and Jim together, writhing on the blanket in a lonely observation deck...)
What about you? Well, what about him? The truth was that McCoy definitely spent a good bit of time thinking about the future and about waking up to someone and having someone in the capacity that he'd had Jocelyn once things were good. He tried not to think too hard on Jim saying that McCoy was the utmost important person in his life. They technically were, but it just wasn't really in the way that McCoy wanted it to be. And he couldn't just out and say that he wanted it to be more. He could lay his cards on the table and make it so that Jim was clear on what he wanted.
"Me? Always figured I'd remarry, I guess," he admitted as he took away the whipped cream and lay down on the blanket, one arm behind his head, the other still draped over Jim. "I guess I just miss the happy parts of my marriage. It was unlike anything I've ever had."
Bones started talking about remarrying, which didn't really put Jim into a great mood. He'd have to be best man, of course, and he'd have to shut the door firmly on any feelings and attraction that he felt for Bones because he wouldn't want to give the new wife any reason to hate him and keep him away. He frowned and shifted so that he was lying down beside Bones, staring up at the ceiling. "I'm glad you can remember the happy parts of marriage. That's a sign of improvement from when we first met," he said finally. He really couldn't hate some hypothetical bride to be so it was pointless to let that ruin his mood or their date. "What was it like? Being married. Hell, even being in a relationship beforehand. Today has been my first experience with that sort of thing, and I can see parts of it being real nice”
The fantasies idly running through McCoy’s mind dissipated, though, when Jim starting talking about the marriage. "It was...comfortable. Like the best pair of shoes you've ever had. They've molded to you and you know every aspect of them and every day, you can't wait to get home to them," McCoy explained with a pleased smile on his face, relaxing a little more as he cast Jim in that role in his mind. "And the sex is better. I stand by that.”
Jim snorted. "Don't think I've ever heard you talking so fondly about shoes before," he said, teasing just a little. What Bones talked about sounded unlike anything Jim had ever felt before, and he was possibly envious of the Ex for being able to have that. Of course, she'd been stupid enough to throw it away, so maybe he wasn't that envious, after all. It wasn't like he was going to be marrying Bones or anything. Arlington would be convinced easily enough without a wedding. Besides, Bones had already refused to marry him yesterday, so there was no point in even indulging in thoughts about that. Everything was getting all mixed up now, though, with long buried attraction and interest no longer carefully tucked away in the back of his mind where it wouldn't interfere with his normal thoughts.
"Well, marriage-shoes are good shoes," McCoy teased right back, opening his eyes and letting the fantasies slowly dissipate away until all he was left with was reality. It was all he actually had and he wasn't going to have it for that much longer, so there was no point in spending all his time worried about that.
"Marriage-shoes. Got it." Jim laughed and moved closer to Bones. This was more fun than he expected. Not the date part, since he figured he'd enjoy that, but the just lying around and talking quietly about random things part. They talked a lot, even actually said important things sometimes, and he never really got tired of it. Bones' ability to actually listen to him and not just write him off as either a loser or a brainless pretty face was one of many reasons why they've been able to become such good friends. Jim actually let him in when he normally keeps everyone out. He still did that, even if he'd developed friendships with a few of his crew over the years. His friendship with Spock was strong and solid, but it was nothing like the epic thing that old Spock talked about whenever they visited.
Jim sort of thought that the whole 'universe changing' thing had extended to that, too, because he had Bones and Spock had Uhura in this reality. "Was the sex better because of the marriage or the relationship?" Jim asked, as if he couldn’t let the conversation go any further without knowing. He rolled his head slightly so he could look at Bones. "I mean, I know there's a difference in the sex I have and what it'd be like with someone I actually planned to see again or cared about. I don't have to experience both kinds to realize that. But do you mean that the sex was better when you were married or just when you were in love with her?" It was a stupid question, a totally ridiculous minor point he needed to know, but maybe there was a chance that Bones would have sex with him one day and he could feel that whatever it was Bones was talking about since he knew there wouldn't be any marriage. And the fact that he was actually thinking about that was probably something he should consider worrisome.
"Well," McCoy continued. "The honeymoon is still the bar to which I compare all my other experiences." Not that he had a lot of them, but it was still the one he set high enough for himself. His mind took a small detour and tried to occupy him with aspects of possibilities, of Jim and him in a bed together, of having that connection, but he tucked it away and did his best not to focus on it. “I know it's going to sound stupid as anything, Jim, I really do, but the sex was better after the papers were signed and we had rings. Beyond all of that, it’d be nice to be able to give Jo a step-parent," he said carefully, not wanting to say 'mother' or 'father' when this was all just hypotheticals.
“Do you really think that Jo would want a stepmother? I mean, you listed that as like a primary reason you've considered getting married again. I was just curious how high up on the list that is. My experience with step-parents isn't the best, so I can't really figure whether she'd want one or not," he mused. "She probably wants you to be happy, though, so she'll deal with whatever happened like that. I do, too. Want you to be happy, I mean."
“Jo likes you," McCoy said and regretted before he took a moment to wonder why he should regret that. He opened his eyes and looked at Jim and let him take whatever he wanted from that. "You're a good paternal figure and she likes you.”
"Yeah, she does. Has bad taste, obviously, like her dad." He grinned when he thought about Jo. Being a parent wouldn't be so bad if all kids were as easy to deal with as she was. "I like her, too." He didn't really know what that had to do with Jo liking or disliking a stepmother, but maybe Bones meant that she'd always have Jim in her life regardless. Reassuring him, most likely, since he obviously knew that Jim was scared about being pushed out of his life if he got seriously involved with some woman who didn't like Jim hanging around all the time. "Not sure I'd call myself a good paternal figure, but I certainly plan to give her a talk about boys and their habit of thinking with their dicks until they're in their late twenties and to just stay away from them. But, knowing her, that'd make her not stay away, so then I'll give her the lecture about pregnancy and STDs that's not all boring and medical like yours would be."
"Now, Jim-boy, please tell me you don't do all your thinking with your dick," Bones drawled. And as opposed to earlier, this was a genuine use of it as he warmly teased Jim.
When Bones started to tease him again, drawling quietly, Jim smiled. He loved hearing Bones talk like that, even if it usually only happened when he was really worried or angry or, more rarely, when he was relaxed. He always wondered if it'd slip out during sex, when Bones was flushed and excited and so aroused that he couldn't stay in control. And that was definitely not the best thing to be thinking when they were basically cuddling under a blanket like a couple of teenagers. "Nah, I don't. Not all of it," he said, grinning as he moved his fingers over the back of Bones' hand. "Just some of it.
Bones noticed, vaguely, that they were suddenly the only two people in the entire deck. And they could possibly stop pretending. Instead, though, he rubbed the back of his hand against Jim's cheek and brushed it down his neck. "So it wasn't your dick that was talking to me last night, telling me it wanted that cuddle?" he couldn't help teasing.
If there was another thing to add to the list of reasons to be thankful for this charade, it was the fact that it was causing Bones to touch so freely. Jim was already getting spoiled to that, just after a day, and he was going to miss it when this was over. Bones was touching his face now and then down his neck, touching the mark there that had gotten more than a few stares during the day. "If my dick was talking to you, it wouldn't be wanting a cuddle," he said. "You're the one who dragged me across the bed, so maybe your dick was trying to tell you something."
"I am ignoring this conversation before it gets utterly out of hand. We were talking about Joanna and Jo adores you," Bones echoed fondly and smiled warmly. "And you can give her the lecture on pregnancy, STD's, men-as-jerks, and you can also tell her all the dangers of space travel, seeing as I'm convinced she tunes me out now when I try and give her warnings about the fact that it's not the safest place in the world up amidst the stars." He shuffled as he said that, reaching for a spare blanket he'd brought with him and draped it over the both of them, trying to fight a chill as he spoke about space and the black of it made him colder just to think on it.
And just why would I want to tell her about the dangers of space when I fully intend to see her become captain one day?" he asked, reaching down to touch Bones' hand as it smoothed a blanket over them. "Or CMO, since she still hasn't decided if she wants to go into medical or consider a command program. I'm encouraging her to pursue engineering or science if she chooses the latter, because I think it would make her well-rounded, even if I don't have that myself."
"She is not captaining," McCoy grunted firmly, stubbornness reigning his voice. "She's going into Medical, she just doesn't know it yet. She has to follow in the McCoy footsteps. My father did it, I did it, now it's her turn because Jocelyn and I never got around to giving her a baby brother." Not that they hadn't tried before things started to turn bad.
"I think Jo'd be a brilliant captain." He smirked. "I bought her a shirt in gold for her birthday last year, remember? She took to the color naturally. Besides, she'll be whatever she wants, whether you like it or not." His smirk faded slightly as he added, "And you're young enough that she could very well get a little brother at some point, if you decide to remarry."
McCoy had to take a moment to think about the notion of remarrying and before he even realized it, he was speaking aloud. “If I ever did remarry, it’d have to be with someone that I could trust. I mean, there’s really something about that bond with someone else, when you just abandon the idea of ever being with anyone else, even in the back of your heads, and..." He gave a weary laugh as he shook his head.
"Did that ever scare you, the giving up anyone else just for them part? Did you stop even fantasizing about other women?" He looked back at the ceiling and considered the concept. In a way, he was faithful to the Enterprise. He'd sworn off casual sex and wild drunken nights when he accepted the captaincy of her, and he'd been pretty damn faithful to her ever since. He didn't have nearly as much sex as he wanted to, but he refused to have the complication of being involved with a crew member just to satisfy his biological urges. He could get the affection and even the touching that he craved from Bones and Gaila and Chekov, the latter two of whom were also touchy like him, so it worked out well for casual hugs and stuff. But during shore leave and the occasional planetside mission, he took advantage of the opportunity for sex with a willing partner, so he'd never actually just had one partner only for any length of time. "I'd think it might get boring, but it's not like you couldn't try new things sometimes to shake things up if it did, I suppose."
Bones stopped to consider the frightening part of marriage, knowing that it could be terrifying, but then...well, he supposed the best way to explain it was to use one of Jim's experiences. "It's like standing at the edge of a cliff with the bungee equipment securely fastened on your back," he explained as he shifted under the blanket. "You're tethered to someone at the top, but you have to take a leap of faith that it's not going to snap and break. And the fall is incredible, but you have to have trust in your partner. That's what it's like. You have to be willing to take that leap, but you have to be sure that you're anchored at a fixed point." He was feeling talkative that evening and he was going to blame Jim for that, since he normally might not have said half of what he did. "I mean, of course you have the odd fantasy about the brunette with the gorgeous behind or the man who winks at you in the hotel on your second anniversary trip, but they're just thoughts. Thoughts can't break up a marriage until you act on them.
"I'm good with those leaps of faith," Jim said thoughtfully. He'd never really considered a relationship like jumping off a cliff, but it sounded more appealing in that context. When he realized something else Bones had said, he looked at him with more surprise than he intended. "Wait, Bones. The man?" He cleared his throat and licked suddenly dry lips. "You mean that in an abstract way, right? Because you're not attracted to men. Not in that way." He needed to hear Bones clarify that so that his imagination would stop running away from him and he could focus back on this pretending without thoughts that maybe it wasn't nearly as fake as he wanted to believe.
McCoy shifted slightly away from Jim and braced himself lightly as he sat up from where he was lying down, trying not to disturb Jim too much as he did so, a look of discomfort flickering over his face. "It's not going to be a problem with us if I say yes, is it? That I can be attracted to them?" He didn't think this was going to happen, of all things. Jim seemed so open about things and considering their little ruse, Jim seemed plenty capable of performing it, too. So why was he suddenly acting as if McCoy being attracted to men was something like killing puppies? He ignored the rest, ignored the comment about Jo, about a little brother for her, definitely ignored the argument he doubted he was ever going to win about who had shifted in bed.
Plain and simple, McCoy wanted to take a shot at this. Except that he wasn't entirely sure of it when Jim was looking at him like that and he didn't know what to do about it.
"Hell, Jim, if it makes you feel better, I'll tell you that I've never thought about another man that way?" he offered, but it was a little less than convincing. If Jim wanted to be in denial enough, though, he could run with it. Anything to get them back to the status quo (even if that meant that McCoy had to then give up on any hope of prolonging this arrangement so that...well, so that it never did end).
Bones pulled away and started talking about problems and other shit that Jim wasn't really listening to because he was still focused on the fact that Bones was attracted to men. "What?" He blinked and frowned. "It wouldn't make me feel better if you lied to me, asshole. How can it be a problem if you're being honest? Anyway, it's not like I don't also find men attractive sometimes and all." He reached up and dragged his thumb over the curve of Bones' lips. "I'm just trying to figure it out. Why did you come up with this plan if you weren't uncomfortable that Arlington was a man?" he asked. "I mean, you told me your excuse about authority and being transferred, but, honestly, that's a cop-out, isn't it? You know that I'd fight for you, my best friend and brilliant CMO even without the recent changes, so I thought it must be due to the man thing. But if it isn't that, then I just don't understand, and, yeah, maybe that bugs me because I usually get you in ways I can never figure anyone else out."
"Jim, I panicked, plain and simple. Don't look for deeper meaning, don't think it has anything to do with the fact that Arlington wants me, I don't want him, and I don't want the consequence of turning him down on the basis of 'you're not my type'," McCoy said, leaning away from Jim's thumb before it could do other things to him, like make him take his fingers into his mouth and suck on them. Jim's fingers were very powerful in their own way and he didn't want to deal with that. "Okay? I didn't want you fighting for me like that. Because my reputation gets shot to shit when I need the Captain to come protect me and you wind up looking like you can't operate without me around. Neither of us needed that, so I panicked, Jim, I just...panicked."
And he was panicking now, too, recalling how vast space was and how close it was just outside of the observation deck and the glass and he nearly lunged for the alcohol, taking a deep pull as he tugged at his collar, trying to avert a panic attack from taking over and making him useless. Shit, he needed to get out of there.
As Bones talked, Jim sat up. "Hey, stop," he said. "You know me. I'm like a dog with a bone. Or, in this case, Bones?" He grimaced at how bad that joke turned out when verbalized. "I'm just not used to you being the rash and impulsive one, so I'm still trying to decide if I should be proud of you or worried." He touched Bones' shoulders, moving so he could rest his chin on one after seeing the panicked look on his face and the way his pulse was racing. "Deep breaths. Look at me, not outside."
He touched Bones' face, thinking that touching couldn't hurt when Bones was sitting there all tense and starting to fidget with his collar. "It doesn't matter, all right? You're right. It wouldn't have done either of us any good if it had been pushed to a fight." He tried to keep his voice calm and soothing because he didn't want their date to end in another fight, especially not one he caused by being so damn curious and possibly even a little insecure. "You look really good tonight," he blurted out. "That color green and those jeans. Well, it's a deadly combination for anyone with eyes, you know?"
Jim was being the anchor for him and he took in a shaky deep breath and listened to what Jim was coaxing him to do, trying to focus on Jim and not the endless vacuum just past his shoulder. He pulled in a long inhalation and focused on perfect blue eyes and just stared there, his fingers clasping a handful of Jim's shirt and clenching the fabric hard, trying to hold on to him as best as he could. "He'll be gone soon enough, Jim, we can do things by our own normal pace soon enough," he said roughly, half to himself to make sure he wouldn't go over the edge and need to find a bathroom to throw up in.
The compliment, though, came out of nowhere. "This? Jo gave me the shirt. Said the color looked pretty next to my hair. In her defense, she was young at the time." McCoy still felt threadbare, like his voice was too thin and he might fall apart any second. "Besides, I've got nothing on you."
"That's right. Our own pace," he repeated when Bones looked at him and seemed to start calming down. "Just keep looking at me and breathing, okay?" He was so proud of Bones for managing to deal with his phobia, especially enough to accept an assignment on a damn starship. He moved his hand up to stroke the back of Bones' neck and head lightly. “You can handle this. It always amazes me how well you deal with it, how strong you are to be able to work up here despite the fear.”
"She's right. The color looks good on you." This was odd conversation for them, discussing shirts and colors, but maybe it was appropriate for a date. Fortunately, it seemed to be distracting Bones, which was the most important thing. "We're not competing for hottest guy on the ship, so there's no need to compare ourselves. You're good looking, and you have to know it because you're not stupid. Also, your ass is always fantastic in jeans, so I doubt tonight is any exception." He grinned. "Feeling any better?"
"Honestly?" McCoy managed, brushing the back of his hand against his forehead. "I feel like I could throw up, still." And it wasn't something he intended to do on the observation deck. "Come back to my room, I've got the shutters set so I can make it seem like I'm not in space." He needed that for a while, a feeling of being safely encased by walls and not floating in orbit, millions of light years away from home. His stomach felt at unease and it was for the best that they didn't relive their first meeting anytime soon.
Chapter 4 | Chapter 6