The Authenticity of Illusion
Title: The Authenticity of Illusion
Author: Kinwad
Pairing: Brian and Justin
Rating: NC-17
Summary: What we have been is what we are ©D.Theater
A/Ns: A belated Halloween fic that got away from me
Disclaimer: I own nothing w/QAF
You think you're dreaming, but you're awake and somehow you know this day could last a thousand years if you wanted it to.
I noticed the difference only recently-nothing I could put my finger on, but there was something different about him, about us. I can usually spot these changes a mile away, but I was completely blindsided. By what I don’t know. Love? Sex? I have no fucking idea!
It started a couple of weeks ago with the nightmares. We hadn’t suffered those for almost a year, so it was surprising-all right, kind of frightening-when they started up again for no apparent reason. Even more confusing, there was no rhyme or reason when they occurred and the randomness ratcheted up the tension between us. Our reactions to them were getting more intense as well, more visceral; but at the same time, it seemed as if we were becoming strangers, turning into different people.
It was a domino effect. As sleep became a forgotten luxury, nerves shot themselves to hell. We started walking on eggshells, never really knowing what was going on in the other’s head. And the sex was getting weird, too. I can’t describe it, other than it was like getting inside each other. And I don’t mean physically.
We were also having a problem with the heat and electricity in the loft. The lights would flicker on and off for no apparent reason. It was either too hot or too cold-yeah, I know, it sounds like a Goldilocks’ fairytale.
We were freaking out, getting on each other’s nerves, feeling as if we were going to explode, and it was getting worse. So of course, we decided that a night of good ole’ fashioned debauchery, or business as usual, was exactly what we needed.
That’s how we wound up at Babylon tonight. Under normal circumstances, we wouldn't be caught dead there or anywhere else, other than the loft, on Halloween. But these weren’t normal circumstances, so we took a few deep breaths and entered the Halloween version of Sodom & Gomorrah, Babylon style.
The place was overflowing with sweaty frankensteins, vampires, ghosts draculas, witches, wizards, and other various mythical characters. And all were writhing and squirming on the dance floor with an “it’s the end of the world as we know it” abandon, almost forming a single undulating shape.
“Christ! Look at this! This is why we never go out on Halloween!" I shouted over the raucous thumping. "No wonder they’re such an easy target! They’re just asking for criticism and hate!”
“What do you suggest? Line them all up and annihilate them?” Justin's sarcasm couldn't be missed.
“No, asshole! Of course not! It’s just that-”
“It’s just nothing! That’s a long-term problem and it doesn’t concern us. What they look like, what we...” he said pointedly in my direction, “look like doesn’t matter.”
We were mesmerized by the sights and sounds, each pulsing beat sending a shiver through us, each accidental brush of costumed flesh traveling straight to our cocks. The atmosphere was loud and visual, familiar yet eerily strange.
“Some things that happen for the first time, seem to be happening again.” ©Rogers&Hart
We elbowed our way through the crowd, both of us desperately needing a drink, a few, actually. Everyone was already dutifully in place at the bar, plastered, metaphorically speaking.
Ben was dressed, of course, as a Buddhist monk. Talk about typecasting! Emmett and Michael decided to re-kindle the flame from their trip, pun intended, to Camp Fairy Fuck. Ted was looking as morose as ever in his accountant’s costume. Wait! Nope, not a costume.
“Ooooo! Here they are guys!” Emmett’s squeal could hardly be heard over the din, but his trademark hand clapping and sprinkling of fairy dust made it fairly obvious that he was glad to see us.
“Hey, Em!”
“Not tonight, my fellow fairies! I’m Clear Day, at least until the witching hour of midnight, or should I be Clear Night?" He frowned. "Well, anyway...” he gave a shake of his head, kindly showering us with more of his glitter, “you both know Dumpling?”
Michael was grinning like a loon through the joking and teasing. I guess they had more of a head start on the evening than I realized. All of it would have continued until Ben finally brokered a truce. See what I mean about typecasting?
Ted briefly interrupted his fascination with Babylon’s Halloween treat, an LED winking willie stirrer, to give us his evil eye. “You two look like shit! Maybe you should try something new, like sleeping perhaps?”
His comment, of course, shifted attention to everyone’s favorite duo. Just what we wanted and needed.
“He’s right, sweeties!” Emmett peered at us through bloodshot eyes. “I hope you’re saving some condoms for the rest of us!”
“Is that why we haven’t seen the two of you that much these past couple of weeks?” The predictable whine in Michael’s voice came through loud and clear.
“Yeah, didn’t you know? We’re fucking 24/7! Trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records! I’m surprised we can still walk!” A quick nudge in the ribs was the unmistakable signal to shut up so I grudgingly turned my attention elsewhere, namely the half-naked bodies on the dance floor.
The evening dragged on. I felt as if we were in a bubble, without a beginning or end. I didn’t know how to burst it, how to free us-or even if I wanted to-until....
“We have to get out of here. I can’t, I mean I-” The stricken look on his face said it all, taking my breath away with its emotion and confusion. I had the distinct impression that I’d seen it before and for some unexplained reason, I knew I would see it again and again.
“Shh, calm down,” I reassured. “It’s ok. We’re going. Promise!” I always keep my promises. I’ve always kept them, no matter where or when, with him.
Ignoring the raised eyebrows thrown in our direction because of our early departure, we said our hurried goodbyes, telling everyone that yes, we would most definitely be at Woody’s tomorrow night and yes, we would try not to spend so much time fucking-insert our raised eyebrows.
The trip back to the loft was one of our more quiet rides, each of us deeply lost in thought. Sure enough, he was the one to break the delicious silence.
“Do you think they ever wonder where they came from?”
I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. That last bump must have pushed him over the edge. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You know what I mean!” he glared at me. “You’re just choosing not to discuss it. But I know you know!”
“Fuck! I’m not going to dignify that ridiculous statement with an answer.”
“Fine! Whatever!” He blew out an exasperated sigh and slouched lower in the seat with his arms folded, staring out the window.
He pulls that crap all the time. It's one of his trademark comments and patented gestures. He perfected them ages ago. They always make me feel like shit.
We entered the loft cautiously, a habit that had become a habit because we were never sure what would greet us, never sure what we would find. When I tried the light switch, I wasn’t surprised the electricity didn't work, one of those never-ending puzzles that seemed to currently haunt us. He stood frozen by the door while I lit the candles.
“Brian?” He didn’t have to say anything else. I heard it all-the fear, the uncertainty, the need. The feelings were all too familiar.
“Easy, Sunshine. It’s ok.” I ruffled his hair, the incredible silkiness going straight to my cock perked up at the touch. “C’mon. It’s almost time.”
We made our way silently and stealthily to the bedroom, stopping on the top step. Our gaze naturally fell to the bed and the figures lying there.
“Everything’s as it should be,” I murmured, taking his hand. ”I’m going to fuck you so hard....”
He shivered at my words, the goose bumps rising on his pale skin as he stripped off his clothing, his cock already fully erect and leaking. I smiled. After all this time, he was still so predictable. But maybe it wasn’t his predictability at all. Maybe it was mine. What’s that saying in physics: 'to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction'? I’m sure there’s a message for me there, but I haven’t figured it out yet.
“I’m cold,” he chattered, his arms tight around his middle. “It’s freezing in here.”
“You know it’ll heat up soon enough,” I teased.
His eyes never left mine as I flung my clothes on the floor. He ran a moistened tongue across his lips, the intensity of his need randomly flickering throughout the loft like a morse code of love.
“I want you. I want to feel you filling me,” he whispered. His hunger hit me with unerring accuracy as his hands explored every inch of my flesh, taking me to the edge and back with years of expert knowledge.
“Bed!” I gritted, unable and unwilling to delay our moment in time.
We settled ourselves on the mattress, positioning our bodies with the utmost precision-we had done this before-and I slowly glided home, where I belonged, where I would always stay.
With a familiar rhythm borne out of eons of practice, we started the journey-in and out, back and forth, thrusting and grunting toward our destination. We were so close, almost there, intuitively picking up the pace.
“I love you! I love you!” His mantra was always the same-emotion-filled, gut-wrenching words bubbling up from the depth of his soul. The tears flowing freely now, he choked back a sob. “We can’t forget! Promise me!”
It will always be like this, same yet different. That’s why we have to remember, to imprint the moment. The more things stay the same, the more they change.
“We-thrust-will-thrust-remember!” I gasped. God! Fuck! Just a little more and.... “I PROMISE!”
In the blink of an eye it was done.
“One last time, we’ll lay down today.
One more time, we’ll slowly fade away.
As their bodies lie in sleep,
Our spirits rise through the air.
We’ll meet again, my friend.” ©D.Theater
But who knows where or when? ©Rogers&Hart
* * *
Brian squinted against the morning light, blinking rapidly in a game of visual chicken with the sun’s rays. Lying in bed with an arm across his eyes, he felt different somehow, but the explanation was too far away for serious thought.
Relishing the silence, he let his mind drift. And then it hit him, the reason why he felt so odd. He felt rested and holy shit, refreshed! He couldn’t remember the last time he felt this way. It seemed so long ago. He pulled himself up to a sitting position, expecting his body to betray him and collapse back onto the mattress. Swiveling his head to make sure this wasn’t some kind of cosmic joke, he tentatively stood and stretched. Everything was in working order.
With a stupid grin, he turned toward the bed and realized something, someone, was missing. His smile immediately morphed into a frown and a jolt of anxiety buzzed through his system. He checked the bathroom and found it empty.
He always got up before Justin, always had to drag his sorry ass out of bed-granted, after he usually dragged it in. Trying to process this unexpected turn of events, he resisted the temptation to call everyone they knew with an SOS. Mouth set in a grim line, he pulled on a pair of jeans and was halfway across the living room when the loft door banged open.
“Hey, sleepy head! You’re finally up! This is a first! I was up before you!” Justin chirped, closing the door with a grinding thud. “I figured since I was awake, I’d get breakfast.” He bounded toward the kitchen and started emptying the bags of food. When strong arms encircled his waist, he gave a contented sigh and then another when he felt a kiss on his neck and a chin on his shoulder.
Rationalizing that there was always time for breakfast, he turned around in the small space between Brian and the cabinet. “What was that for? I think I should get breakfast more often.”
Brian stroked the blond hair, suddenly feeling foolish. Just an over-active imagination, he told himself. What the fuck was he worried about? Justin was here and he was all right.
“You ok?” The blue eyes clouded over with concern.
“I'm fabulouso! Why wouldn’t I be? It’s a beautiful sunny day and I have a fresh breakfast waiting for me.” He added with a smirk, “Both courses!”
With a playful smack to the bare arm, Justin pushed away and continued to unpack the food. “You know, I haven’t had such a good night’s sleep and felt this great since- I honestly can’t remember. I slept like a log!”
“You always sleep like a log!” Leaning against the counter, Brian uncovered his coffee and took a thoughtful sip. “But I know what you mean.” Shaking his head, a small laugh sneaked out. “I guess whatever shit we took-” He threw a quizzical look at Justin. “We did go to Babylon last night, didn’t we?”
“Well, yeah, sure. Where else would we have gone? We wouldn’t have stayed home, right?”
The hazel eyes narrowed with suspicion. “Are you asking or telling? Because honestly? I’m a little fuzzy. Not that I don’t remember, it’s just not clear, you know?” He swallowed a mouthful of the bitter liquid, the caffeine’s appeal of a focused mind too strong to ignore. “Jesus Christ! Can they make this shit any hotter?” He touched his tongue with his index finger.
“Aw, poor thing! That’s why you can’t gulp it.” Justin ignored the glare and teased, “It's not like other liquids that go down your throat much easier." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Anyway, do you want them to serve cold coffee? You’d be the first in line bitching and moaning!” He drank hesitantly from his own cup. “So, what were you saying before you injured one of your best assets?” When he didn't get an answer, he prodded, “Brian?”
“It’s nothing. Just that-” Brian shook his head to clear the cobweb of a misty memory. “I don’t know! I mean, I know we were there but....”
“But it also feels as if we weren’t,” Justin finished softly, holding his breath.
“Yeah, exactly! How’d you....” Although unnerved by Justin’s corroboration, he was relieved. At least he wasn’t going crazy alone.
Justin swirled his remaining liquid, wishing he could remember more clearly. He grimaced at the ironic deja vu of the thought. “I was with you, remember? Although ‘remember’ might be entirely subjective now.”
Brian decided he'd had enough. It was time to move on and forget about Halloween. “I say fuck it!” Squaring his shoulders, he grabbed Justin’s cup and threw it into the garbage, nudging him toward the bedroom. “Come on, Mr. Taylor, time for my first breakfast course.”
As they shuffled out of the kitchen, Justin whispered, “Why Mr. Kinney, sir, are you planning on taking advantage of my innocent self?”
Brian smirked, still pushing them along. “Only in your dreams, Sunshine, only in your dreams.”
So hypnotized by each other, so in love with each other, they didn’t notice two shadows skimming across the loft-also, very much in love.
We are the echoes of your past, the spirits of your future. All of your yesterdays and all of your tomorrows are forever bound with ours. Tethered and chained, we are forever...together