It's Time Part 2 Chs.3,4,5
PART 2 (cont'd)
(this part is R, but some pics are NSFW)
CH. III
If you think you know me, think again. If you think you hear me, listen harder.
If you think you see me, look closer, For I am an illusion of smoke and mirrors.
Brian stared at his image. Granted, his hair was longer and styled differently, but the person looking back at him seemed anxious, with a little sadness thrown in for good measure. He barely recognized him. What happened to the man with the swagger and the attitude? Would he ever get him back?
“Will the real Brian Kinney please stand up?” he murmured, straightening his tie. “Who the fuck are you? I liked the old you. Where the fuck did that bastard go? Life was a lot simpler with him, less complicated.”
“I can see you’re new to this. You don’t know the rules.
You’re just another one in a long line of fools.” ©A.Lifeson
He slumped in his chair with a mental note to hit the gym in the morning, no matter what time his evening ended. He could always wring out more time if necessary. With a couple of hours sleep and a little help from his medicinal friends, he could easily make it through the next day and night.
He pinched the bridge of his nose to ward off an early morning headache and scanned his messages and mail, recognizing Cynthia’s handiwork in the artful arrangement of folders on his desk.
He couldn’t run his office without her, and she never missed an opportunity to remind him. More importantly, he considered her a friend, valued her judgment and trusted her implicitly, assured that she would never divulge anything said or seen in confidence. And she had seen and heard plenty.
She breezed in with half a knock. “Did you honestly think you could slink in without being seen?”
“Of course not. I knew your nose would sniff me out.”
“Meaning what exactly? Care to explain yourself?”
“Do I ever?”
“No,” she agreed. “But I thought I’d ask anyway. By the way, in case no one's told you, you look like shit.”
The hazel eyes shimmered their annoyance. “That’s why I keep you around. You’re so good for my ego.”
“Hey, I call’em as I see’em, Mr. Boss Man. Had a good teacher.”
When silence met her sarcasm, she impulsively decided to risk life, limb and job. Steeled for battle, David challenged Goliath. “Brian, it’s been a year. How long are you going to keep this up, torturing yourself because of your stupid Kinney Code of Ethics? Either call him or move on. Don’t you think you should....”
He shifted his attention to the mountain of paperwork in a vain attempt to tune her out. The well-meaning concern did nothing to fill the emptiness or dull the sorrow that had plagued him since Justin left.
“You decide if you still want to play this game.
The price to you for this is nothing will ever be the same.” ©A.Lifeson
“No, I fucking don't! And neither should you!” He slammed a fist on the desk, the force scattering pens and pencils across the room. He didn’t need sympathy. He didn’t need sympathy or platitudes to reinforce what he already knew-he was pathetic.
When he noticed her troubled expression, a sign that more words churned beneath the surface, he glared and couldn't keep the sting out of his voice. “Now, if it's not too much trouble, can we move on to more important matters?” He shuffled the papers on his desk to give his shaking hands something to do. You plan on alienating everyone in your life, Kinney?
Unflappable throughout the chaos, she almost spoke again but instead left without a word. She had barely closed the door when a bitter fuck and another crash rang through the hall. How much longer could he keep up the pretense?
“Just like Pagliacci did, I try to keep my surface hid. Smiling in the crowd I try,
but in a lonely room I cry the tears of a clown.” ©Robinson
###
CH. IV
It is quite the fool who makes a promise he can’t keep, a promise made before he goes to sleep.
For in the morning, when he wakes, he will realize it was all a big mistake.
The shrill alarm penetrated Brian’s sleep, mocking his foolhardy promise from the day before to hit the gym. He forced one eye open, tempted to wreak vengeful havoc on the contraption, until reality pushed through with visions of yesterday’s mirrored reflection. He dragged himself out of bed for a quick shower to wash away the previous night’s grime and slugged a few hefty gulps of guava juice. Good as new. Almost.
“Time waits for no one, no favors has he.Time waits for no one and he won’t wait for me” ©Richards/Jagger
Loathe as he was to admit it, he did feel the tentacles of time pulling him kicking and screaming from one year to the next. Even more distressing, the shadows of his past selves were always on the sidelines, ridiculing his efforts. Not only couldn't he escape from himself, it was increasingly difficult to live with himself. There were options, of course-all possible, but none probable, regardless how many scenarios he conjured up.
The drive to the gym was fast and furious, peppered with curses to make a truck driver blush as memories bombarded his senses with familiar scents, touches and sounds-a 3-D movie of his life on rewind.
Needing to blow off steam before working it off, he parked a few blocks away and walked the rest of the distance, his gym bag slung over his shoulder. He smirked as the neon sign, BOYD’S BOYZ, came into view.
He had to give Emmett credit. Despite his continued affection for Drew Boyd, he made an uncharacteristically levelheaded decision to give the former quarterback much needed time and space to fan his inner fairy flame. While Emmett’s blazed loud and proud, Drew’s flickered, depending on his latest crisis of spirit or the latest item in the gossip columns.
During one of their frequent accidentally-on-purpose meetings, Emmett mentioned the rundown condition of the local gym to Drew who said he was looking for a business investment. The result of their brainstorming was BOYD’S BOYZ, an upscale gym and financial success for both of them, thanks to an innovative advertising campaign by Kinnetik.
He worked out until his skin glistened with sweat. Disturbed by the lack of color in his skin tone, he impulsively decided to use the tanning bed, It had been a routine necessary indulgence but lately....
He paused before getting in and inspected his nude body, courtesy of the mirrored walls. Regardless of the angle, his glossy nakedness was flawless-ass taut and firm, legs long and lean. A muscular back, smoothly toned torso, and well-developed arms rounded out the picture. He gave a smug smile. There wasn’t a plastic surgeon on the planet who could improve the image.
A fifteen minute visit to the steam room was next, followed by a whack in a hot and soapy shower. He rested his head on the tile as streams of pulsing water washed away an unfulfilling orgasm. He hated what he had become. He had spent his whole life cultivating control and the past year, he never felt more out of control. But he couldn’t change the script, couldn’t rewrite a second draft. The words and plot had already played out, the story complete. Why then, couldn’t he let go, swallow the pain, and move on?
"None of your past experiences prepared you for this consequence." Piller/Berman
He turned off the water, the silence in his ears daring him to answer. Only when he was leaving, did he offer his confession. Because I’m not that strong, especially about you.
###
CH. V
"And now you're trembling on a rocky ledge, staring out into a heartless sea.
Done with life on a razor's edge. Nothing's what you thought it would be." ©Peart,Lee,Lifeson
“Get a move on, will ya? I don’t have all day.” The driver’s gruff voice pierced his concentration.
“What?” Immersed in thought, Justin didn’t realize the taxi had arrived at the loft. With less traffic on a Saturday, the ride from the airport was shorter than usual, even with the rain. Panic stricken, he didn't rush to get out. Ignoring the scowls from the front seat, he pulled out a handful of wrinkled bills from his jacket, counting in between hesitant glances at the red brick building.
“Look, kid, are you going or staying?”
He shivered as the words skated across his skin in an icy deja vu. Shut the door. Are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying? I want you to always remember this, so no matter where you are, I’ll always be there. How fucking prophetic! Brian Kinney sees all, knows all, fucks all.
“Well? What’s it gonna be?”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, sorry. Here.” He handed over the crumpled wad and scrambled out of the cab. Fighting the urge to climb back in, he dragged his bags from the trunk and stood on the sidewalk, unable to move. This had to be one of the most idiotic decisions he ever made, right up there with all of his other idiotic decisions. Blinking raindrops from his lashes, he lumbered toward the entrance and jiggled the doorknob. When it turned on the first try, he breathed a relieved sigh and wiped his sweaty palm on his jeans.
To buy time, he trudged up the steps instead of taking the elevator. Standing in front of the loft door, he prayed for inspiration to infuse him with wordy brilliance. What would he say? It couldn’t be the tried and true. What could he anticipate in response? It wouldn’t be the expected. The standard in this situation wasn’t the norm with them, never was. Old cliches need not apply. Not here, not with Brian. His chest tightened, each breath more anxious and labored than the one before.
“The faster I’m breathing, the further I’m sinking. My mouth is dry. It feels like it’s wartime.” ©P.J.Harvey
One more deep inhale, one more forceful exhale-he had to do this now before he lost his nerve -and then a tentative knock. Suspended in that limbo of time experienced only by those who anxiously wait, his skin chilled and his heart thudded. He ridiculously half-hoped he wasn’t home and analytically half-wondered why he never considered the possibility. Even worse, he never considered that Brian might have, that someone else could have....
The lock clicked. And he froze. It was all he could do not to hurtle back down the stairs. His eyes squeezed shut as the past six years flashed forwarded through his head. They flew open when the metal groaned and squeaked out a greeting.
“Justin! The unexpected sunshine at my door on a rainy afternoon.”
Continue to P. 3 here: http://kinfic2.livejournal.com/35243.html