Dear Female People

[khall]

A compliment does != hitting on you

Comments

[kushielsfire]

Unfortunately, for 99% of women, a compliment on something like boots, or wearing a nice necklace/dress/pair of jeans begins leading questions or comments into hitting upon. Many women want to head it off at the pass and make it clear they're not interested in engaging in any kind of conversation. I think if you change the gender, and a random woman approached a man in public to compliment him on some random article of clothing/part of his attire he would immediately perceive it as 'oh she's into me'.

So, while she could have been a little nicer about it, it sounds like she was not welcome to conversation. Only twice have I received non-creepy in person compliments(I could even say, genuine compliments with no hidden meaning) from men in my adult life. I remember both of them. I have forgotten most of the creepers, because it's just too common. So, I'm sorry for your male friend, but she didn't consent to being engaged in the conversation and she wanted an immediate out. Sounds like she got it.

[khall]

I don't condone harassing women in public, or any other place. Nor do I condone creepy behavior. But...walking down the sidewalk is not trespassing. It's...like sexual harassment inflation to throw 'consent' into a normal interaction. I think if you had changed his gender to 'female' she would not have reacted that way. Even though she could have as easily been someone into girls. And actively hitting on her. It wasn't someone I know, just some guy at the grocery store. I think it's awful that women have to do things, sometimes, to protect themselves that put them in a position of either being unsafe, or "rude". But...I also think talking to people you encounter at the grocery store is pretty common and part of being active in public. You can say "I have to go" or "Thanks"...I don't think...automatically assuming the guy is being anything other than nice is...a sane or reasonable way to act. It is not common, at all, for women to deal with catcalls or being followed down the street, in my small town. And I'm not sure he was even...

[musicman]

Instead of complimenting appearance, I just say "hello, how are you?" and meet someone's eyes. It is kindness, and it avoids the mistake of being a come on. If someone wants to use that as an opening to stop and talk, that is fine, and if not, I at least get a hello or a smile back. Sometimes they just keep walking, and I just keep walking. Nothing more need be said.

[ironphoenix]

That's one way--even a good way--to approach people; I don't see "Hello, how are you?" as an obligatory preface to a compliment on something one noticed, though.

[ironphoenix]

I don't think it's just female people. A guy complimenting a guy can be misinterpreted as coming onto him, with all the potential for homophobic reactions attached. The social context is different, but the underlying potential misinterpretation is the same: that the reason for complimenting a stranger is to open a flirtation.

[musicman]

It might just be that someone is not into the complimenter, it doesn't have to be homophobic for a guy to not want compliments from another guy, or attention. Maybe he is not gay. That doesn't mean it is homophobic to not be interested. Or maybe if he is gay, he is not interested in that particular complimenter, or as with some of us, try not to use physical beauty and accouterments to stand in for the real person (yes, in my other compliments, I was implying that I try to stay away from beauty and try to compliment people on what they do, who they are, what their values are, rather than just beauty/attraciveness)

[ironphoenix]

I'm certainly onside with complimenting strangers' choices, not their inherent attractiveness... "Your eyes are beautiful" is something to be shared rather more intimately than "That's a really nice scarf".

[free_of_whip]

Yeah, I respond positively to people who say, "Your bike is cool." That comes about as often from women as from men, and none of those people have ever responded by trying to hit on me. "Your eyes are beautiful" would get a far more hostile response than khall described. "That's a really nice scarf" depends on the context.

[amynthe]

So sad. A well-meaning compliment is one of my favorite things. Timed just right, and one can carry me through the worst of days. I hate thinking that someone might hold their tongue for fear of my reaction.

[khall]

I adore you so much.

K.

[amynthe]

Day. Made.

;)

[free_of_whip]

The thing is, about 98% of the time, if a male stranger compliments a woman on her appearance, he is hitting on her. Maybe that shouldn't be true, but I think if you poll your female friends, you'll discover their experience is similar to mine. And someone who is just trying to get her shopping done may find it easier to cut off a conversation before it starts than to extricate herself afterward.

[blushing_grace]

This.

[ahunter3]

When the compliment occurs, it doesn't take place in a vaccuum, but in a context. And the context includes the backdrop of the woman's prior experiences with these things.

A very large contingent of males have spoiled the possibilities for the rest of us, by being pushy and moving forward with pretty aggressive coming-on behaviors. Which means that no male person gets to simply behave in whatever fashion feels natural because the behavior will be evaluated in context.

One woman provided this memorable description: "You know how when you're in the mall and walking down the corridor, and anyone who approaches you and tries to talk to you turns out to be a salesperson trying to sell you something? Now imagine that they're all selling the same product - dick. It gets really old"