Dear Female People

[khall]

A compliment does != hitting on you

Comments

[kushielsfire]

Unfortunately, for 99% of women, a compliment on something like boots, or wearing a nice necklace/dress/pair of jeans begins leading questions or comments into hitting upon. Many women want to head it off at the pass and make it clear they're not interested in engaging in any kind of conversation. I think if you change the gender, and a random woman approached a man in public to compliment him on some random article of clothing/part of his attire he would immediately perceive it as 'oh she's into me'.

So, while she could have been a little nicer about it, it sounds like she was not welcome to conversation. Only twice have I received non-creepy in person compliments(I could even say, genuine compliments with no hidden meaning) from men in my adult life. I remember both of them. I have forgotten most of the creepers, because it's just too common. So, I'm sorry for your male friend, but she didn't consent to being engaged in the conversation and she wanted an immediate out. Sounds like she got it.

[khall]

I don't condone harassing women in public, or any other place. Nor do I condone creepy behavior. But...walking down the sidewalk is not trespassing. It's...like sexual harassment inflation to throw 'consent' into a normal interaction. I think if you had changed his gender to 'female' she would not have reacted that way. Even though she could have as easily been someone into girls. And actively hitting on her. It wasn't someone I know, just some guy at the grocery store. I think it's awful that women have to do things, sometimes, to protect themselves that put them in a position of either being unsafe, or "rude". But...I also think talking to people you encounter at the grocery store is pretty common and part of being active in public. You can say "I have to go" or "Thanks"...I don't think...automatically assuming the guy is being anything other than nice is...a sane or reasonable way to act. It is not common, at all, for women to deal with catcalls or being followed down the street, in my small town. And I'm not sure he was even...

[musicman]

Instead of complimenting appearance, I just say "hello, how are you?" and meet someone's eyes. It is kindness, and it avoids the mistake of being a come on. If someone wants to use that as an opening to stop and talk, that is fine, and if not, I at least get a hello or a smile back. Sometimes they just keep walking, and I just keep walking. Nothing more need be said.

[ironphoenix]

That's one way--even a good way--to approach people; I don't see "Hello, how are you?" as an obligatory preface to a compliment on something one noticed, though.

[musicman]

You are right, it is not an obligatory preface to anything. I try to reserve compliments to people I know, and try to not substitutes them for getting to know someone as a person first.

[ironphoenix]

I don't see it as a substitution, I guess. I'm not sure if you see this as a matter of objectification, or whether I'm reading more into your reply than you intend.

I will also note that I haven't yet been misinterpreted the way this guy may have been, perhaps because I don't voice these things indiscriminately, but only when someone seems likely to receive it in the spirit in which I intend it.

These human interaction things aren't as algorithmic as some folks think, or pretend, or wish, them to be.

[ironphoenix]

Tone of voice, body language, etc. are always a part of the interaction, so I can't speak to the particular case; perhaps the guy in question was giving other signals that he was coming onto her, but perhaps not. If not, the assumption and brush-off were unkind.