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kiseop-centric, jaeseop/kiseop; pg; angst
a/n: mini rant in fic-form. awful, angsty shit, the usual.
(Stare at the small, slender digital recorder in palm. Hand is shaking ever so slightly, skin cold and clammy with perspiration. Take a deep breath, hesitate for a moment. Press play.)
H-hello? Is this thing working?
[crackling static. clearing of throat.]
Yeah, so. It's me. Kiseop. And, before I say anything else, I just want to apologise for this... sudden turn of things. I'm walking out of the company building now, and I'm already starting to regret my decision. But I can't change anything now, can I?
[bitter laughter. soft sniffling. cars rushing past, the whir and rumble of motors barely audible.]
I mean, I can. I guess. But I just... I really need a break right now. Yeah, I told Hwaseok hyung that there's a family emergency and I'm going back to Yatap-dong but honestly, I just want to get away from all this... All this idol stuff for a while. Go back home, spend time with my parents and eat my mother's cooking, maybe catch up with my high school friends.
I... I know, I'm being selfish and unfair to you and the others because you guys are just as stressed out. You're probably in the practice room now, or having vocal training and I suppose Hwaseok hyung will be coming in soon, to announce that I'll be going on a hiatus. And... I know that I'm a coward, for not telling any of you about this and letting everyone down. Disappointing all of you. By the time you receive this recorder, I'll already be on the train back home, but --
[choked sob. sniffling. static, fumbling sounds. more sniffling.]
I can't do this anymore, Jaeseop. I'm tired. I'm tired of giving my all to please everyone, tired of pretending to be someone else on broadcasts, in interviews, when we're out in public. Sometimes... Sometimes, it's just so hard, separating myself from my onstage persona. Maybe you won't understand, because AJ and Jaeseop are two different people, and you've always had AJ to hide behind onstage. But I... I'm just Kiseop. Kiseop in public, Kiseop behind cameras.
It's like ink stains seeping through my clothes to leave permanent patches of black on my skin, a stain that's starting to cover and overwhelm me in a layer of darkness and... There are times when I wonder if it's worth it, working so hard just to keep up this façade. Because I'm scared, Jaeseop, I really am, of the day when this mask begins to crack and fall apart and --
[static. watery hiccups. noise of traffic getting louder.]
S-sorry. I... I won't be joining you guys for our next round of promotions. Tell Soohyun and the others not to worry, okay? I'll be fine. I think. And... Tell them that I'm sorry. For being a coward and giving up like this. But I'll be stronger when I return, I promise! I just need some time away to gather my thoughts and --
[beeping. distant shouting.]
Jaeseop? Wh-what are you doing here?
[more shouting. rumble of car engines sound even closer.]
I can't hear you? Jae?
[tyres screeching, horn blaring. loud crunching noise. shattering glass.]
Jae... Jaeseop?
[static.]
(Muffle cries with hands, lean back in chair and drop the recorder into lap. Take a moment to compose self. Rewind track. Close eyes. Press play.)
kiseop-centric, jaeseop/kiseop; pg; angst
a/n: mini rant in fic-form. awful, angsty shit, the usual.
(Stare at the small, slender digital recorder in palm. Hand is shaking ever so slightly, skin cold and clammy with perspiration. Take a deep breath, hesitate for a moment. Press play.)
H-hello? Is this thing working?
[crackling static. clearing of throat.]
Yeah, so. It's me. Kiseop. And, before I say anything else, I just want to apologise for this... sudden turn of things. I'm walking out of the company building now, and I'm already starting to regret my decision. But I can't change anything now, can I?
[bitter laughter. soft sniffling. cars rushing past, the whir and rumble of motors barely audible.]
I mean, I can. I guess. But I just... I really need a break right now. Yeah, I told Hwaseok hyung that there's a family emergency and I'm going back to Yatap-dong but honestly, I just want to get away from all this... All this idol stuff for a while. Go back home, spend time with my parents and eat my mother's cooking, maybe catch up with my high school friends.
I... I know, I'm being selfish and unfair to you and the others because you guys are just as stressed out. You're probably in the practice room now, or having vocal training and I suppose Hwaseok hyung will be coming in soon, to announce that I'll be going on a hiatus. And... I know that I'm a coward, for not telling any of you about this and letting everyone down. Disappointing all of you. By the time you receive this recorder, I'll already be on the train back home, but --
[choked sob. sniffling. static, fumbling sounds. more sniffling.]
I can't do this anymore, Jaeseop. I'm tired. I'm tired of giving my all to please everyone, tired of pretending to be someone else on broadcasts, in interviews, when we're out in public. Sometimes... Sometimes, it's just so hard, separating myself from my onstage persona. Maybe you won't understand, because AJ and Jaeseop are two different people, and you've always had AJ to hide behind onstage. But I... I'm just Kiseop. Kiseop in public, Kiseop behind cameras.
It's like ink stains seeping through my clothes to leave permanent patches of black on my skin, a stain that's starting to cover and overwhelm me in a layer of darkness and... There are times when I wonder if it's worth it, working so hard just to keep up this façade. Because I'm scared, Jaeseop, I really am, of the day when this mask begins to crack and fall apart and --
[static. watery hiccups. noise of traffic getting louder.]
S-sorry. I... I won't be joining you guys for our next round of promotions. Tell Soohyun and the others not to worry, okay? I'll be fine. I think. And... Tell them that I'm sorry. For being a coward and giving up like this. But I'll be stronger when I return, I promise! I just need some time away to gather my thoughts and --
[beeping. distant shouting.]
Jaeseop? Wh-what are you doing here?
[more shouting. rumble of car engines sound even closer.]
I can't hear you? Jae?
[tyres screeching, horn blaring. loud crunching noise. shattering glass.]
Jae... Jaeseop?
[static.]
(Muffle cries with hands, lean back in chair and drop the recorder into lap. Take a moment to compose self. Rewind track. Close eyes. Press play.)