Scar Tissue (Part Two) -- Chapter 22
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Scar Tissue (Part Two)
Chapter 22
Authors: kennedysbitch & livelovelearneg
Beta'd by englishstrawbie
Rating: NC-17 [Depictions of violence, PTSD, Language, Sexual Content]
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer
Scar Tissue [masterpost]
Summary: When Arizona Robbins’ brother dies in Iraq, her life takes off in a completely different direction. Now a highly-rated trauma surgeon with the United States Marine Corps, she spends the three years following his death serving their country overseas - until an insurgent attack leaves her with debilitating injuries. Traveling to Seattle at her father’s request, she falls under the care of orthopedic surgeon Dr. Calliope Torres. Damaged emotionally and physically, Arizona tries to start the healing process with the help of a headstrong woman she never saw coming.
Part Two: Now free from the confines of a hospital bed for the first time
in almost five months, Arizona begins her physical and emotional recovery while
navigating a budding yet rocky relationship with Callie Torres.
Warnings: Depictions of violence, PTSD, Language, Sexual Content
Trailer:
A/N: No, you didn’t miss 21B. By the time this portion was fleshed out the way I wanted it, it was long enough to stand as its own chapter, so it has simply been turned into chapter 22 instead. (This makes things easier when posting on websites other than Livejournal.)
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June 10th, 2009
“All I’m saying is that this might be an option worth considering,” Callie was saying in a low voice, directing her words to the woman perched across the kitchen counter on one of their stools. She was pouring their second refill of the night as they took a moment away from the others.
“Are you trying to get me drunk?” Arizona asked, ignoring the question as she watched the level of red wine pass the halfway mark of her glass.
Callie flashed her an amused smirk and only stopped when the bottle was empty. “Maybe. You did volunteer to join in with the crazy, remember? Getting drunk is an official part of it.”
The background noise rose and momentarily drew their attention to the living room. Teddy, Cristina, her friend Meredith Grey and Meredith’s sister, Lexie, had joined them for Callie and Cristina’s infamous game night. They were howling with laughter, induced by alcohol and a split-screen session of Grand Theft Auto.
Arizona was glad that the others were distracted because she knew Callie wouldn’t give up easily. “Can we not do this here, please?” she asked quietly, picking up her glass and taking a long sip.
Callie set the empty bottle aside and worked a corkscrew into another. She spared the hooligans in the living room a glance before focusing on Arizona. “That’s what you said earlier, remember? I really don’t want to drag this out into next week.” She tried to say it humorously but it came out sounding flat.
Arizona released an exasperated sigh. “Calliope…”
“It would only be a short-term solution,” Callie continued in a rush. “Plenty of people take these prescriptions and they can really help.”
“They also have more side effects than I’m willing to risk,” Arizona argued, lifting an eyebrow over the rim of her glass. “Try to understand; I’ve had enough drugs in my system to last me a lifetime. We’ll find another way.”
It was a subject that had them going in circles since eight o’clock the night before, when Callie had received Arizona’s test results back. She had analyzed them closely and found no problems beyond elevated blood pressure. There was no doubt in Callie’s mind that it was caused by Arizona’s stress levels. It was unhealthy for a person to feel that way for such a long period of time and she had tentatively suggested that Arizona consider taking lorazepam or some other kind of low-dosage anti-anxiety medication until they found a better solution. In Callie’s mind, she didn’t see Arizona’s situation truly getting better until she sought help in vanquishing her personal demons, but until then things could not keep going on like they had been.
Arizona, however, was vehemently against the idea of prescription drugs. Callie could respect her reasons why, but she was more concerned about the long-term effects on her body in the meantime. Stress could do some ugly things to a person when allowed to accumulate and Callie didn’t want to sit by and watch things get worse.
Coming out of her revere, Callie struggled with the corkscrew. “Look, your scans came back clean and you don’t have a brain tumour, which is great and everything, but you’re still getting migraines and nosebleeds and can’t sleep through the night.” The cork jerked out with a hollow ‘pop’ and she refilled her own glass, splashing wine around in her agitated state. “I could put you on antihypertensives for your BP but we both know that’s not going to solve the problem. I’m just worried about you, okay? This isn’t something you can brush off like it’s no big deal.”
Despite her desire to drop the subject into the Puget Sound and let it sink, Arizona could see how worked up Callie was getting. She reached across the counter to take her hand as Callie set down the bottle. “I’ll be okay, I promise,” she said with a soft smile. “I’ve got you now, remember? You’ve already helped me feel better in three days than I’ve felt in the last six months.”
When Callie pursed her lips, Arizona squeezed her fingers reassuringly. This was one of the reasons she had kept everything to herself for so long; she felt guilty that Callie was losing sleep over her personal issues.
“No more worrying,” Arizona said firmly. “Tonight I just want to relax and meet your friends, not think about all of the other stuff going on. We can talk about this tomorrow, I promise.” She paused, waiting through a few seconds of terse silence. “Please? Just for tonight. I need a break from everything.”
Part of Callie wanted to argue, but the big doe-eyes Arizona was throwing her way were disarming. “Okay,” she agreed reluctantly, forcing out a weak smile. “You win. I’ll drop it.”
Arizona tugged on Callie’s arm, guiding her around the edge of the counter before pulling her up to the stool. “Thank you.” She tilted her head back and stole a small kiss, smiling when she felt some of the tension leave her girlfriend’s body.
Callie sighed into the kiss, knowing it would be impossible not to dwell on the subject, but she was willing to give Arizona the space that she needed. The woman deserved a night off after everything she had been through and Callie wasn’t about to force another hard discussion on her when she wasn’t ready.
“Gross,” Cristina called over, ruining the tender moment. “Stop making out. Bring us more popcorn.”
Arizona pulled back with a smirk, never taking her eyes off of Callie. “Shall we join them?” She toyed with the hem of the brunette’s t-shirt, letting it be known that she wouldn’t object to a private moment somewhere else instead.
Callie chuckled and took Arizona’s hand, helping her stand up and get situated on one of the new forearm crutches she had recently acquired. “I’ll take the booze, you take the food.”
Arizona carried the massive popcorn bowl in her left hand as she hobbled over to the group, setting it down before plunking into her spot on the couch. The food was instantly mauled by four sets of hands in a flurry of action.
Handing Arizona her wine and setting the crutch aside again, Callie settled onto the floor next to her legs, stretching her own out in front of her. Teddy occupied the other half of the couch and Cristina was sprawled across her favourite chair, while Meredith and Lexie were also seated on the carpet.
“Why are you picking up a hooker?” Teddy was asking Cristina, whose corner of the screen showed the exterior of a car with a scantily-clad woman getting in.
“It doses up your health,” Cristina replied. “Hookers and stuffing your face with chicken give you the energy to shoot things. I didn’t make the rules.”
Meredith glanced over. “But you’re losing money. The other districts have cheaper girls.”
Cristina’s smirk said it all. “Not if I kill the bitch after.”
Lexie looked horrified. “Ew. Think of all the STDs.” She recoiled when Cristina backed her car up over the on-screen prostitute. “This game is horrible. What is wrong with you two?”
“It’s glorifying violence and everything that’s wrong in the world,” Callie agreed. “But just wait until you get your hands on a rocket launcher. It’s wicked.”
Arizona laughed as the split-screen shenanigans between Cristina and Meredith continued. “So this is what you do with your free time? Video games and alcohol?” she asked her girlfriend.
Callie shrugged. “Pretty much. We’re basically over-aged college kids with better paying jobs.” Cristina crashed and blew up so Callie launched forward, setting her wine on the table. “Oh! My turn!” Snatching the controller away, she sat back against the base of the couch and trained her eyes on the TV.
“Don’t screw up my progress,” Cristina called out, reaching down to grab a slice of pizza from the box on the table.
“How can I mess with your progress?” Callie asked. She navigated her character over to yank an innocent bystander into the street and stole his car. “You just blew yourself up for fun. You haven’t made any progress.”
Lexie took a sip of her beer, still looking rather confused. “Wait, so...what’s the point of this? Besides having unprotected sex in the back of stolen vehicles and killing prostitutes.”
Callie grinned as she drove her car straight into a police cruiser, causing it to flip and roll off an embankment. “We have no clue,” she admitted. “We just blow shit up and run from the cops.”
Arizona glanced down at her. “You’re kind of twisted. It’s oddly attractive.”
“If zombies invade, I’m on Torres’ team,” Teddy announced, munching on a slice of pizza.
Arizona nudged Callie in the shoulder with her leg. “Me too.”
“Another hooker?” Lexie asked in disbelief, this time aiming it at her sister. “Ew, Mer. You’ll get herpes.”
“Lexie, it’s not real,” Meredith pointed out. “Besides, there’s no Cluckin’ Bell anywhere and I need more life so I can go blow up a tour bus.”
“Cluckin’ Bell?” Lexie echoed warily. “Is that like KFC with tacos or something?”
“Who knows,” Cristina chimed in. “But the kid behind the counter looks like George when he was sixteen.” Callie successfully blew up a police helicopter and Cristina pumped a fist in the air on her behalf. “Four wanted stars! Everybody drink!”
Laughter broke out among the three participants while Lexie just continued to look mystified. Like a group of teenagers, they all took a long drink from their respective beverages. Arizona shook her head in disbelief and followed suit. She couldn’t remember the last time she had done something like this. It was probably back in university when she was in her early twenties.
“I feel like I’m going to hell just by witnessing this,” Lexie pointed out, her words slightly slurred. She had tagged along because Mark was gone and she was depressed and lonely. Cristina and Meredith had practically been siphoning shots down her throat for the better part of an hour in an attempt to make her feel better.
Arizona shared a bemused grin with the younger resident. “Don’t worry, I’m not really into blowing people up with rocket launchers either.” She leaned forward and grabbed some popcorn. “It’s not nearly as fun as it looks when you’re on the other side.”
The room went quiet. Only some random bystander’s scream echoed from the television.
Arizona paused mid-chew. “Wow. Tough room. That was a joke.”
Meredith handed her controller to a smirking Cristina. “What was that like, anyway?” Meredith asked. “Being surrounded year-round by hot, sweaty men in uniform with lots of muscles and the tendency to do pushups?”
Arizona lifted an eyebrow. “I’m really not the person to be asking,” she pointed out, glancing at the woman by her feet.
“It had its perks,” Teddy chimed in.
“Maybe I should join the Navy,” Cristina said mildly, mashing buttons with increasing agitation as her character got shot at. “Torres! Some cover here, please?”
“I’m busy,” Callie said distractedly, focused on the game.
“You couldn’t join the Navy,” Meredith scolded. “You can’t even swim. And you hate dirty places.”
Callie snorted. “You’d never know it by looking at her bedroom.”
Cristina ignored her. “They don’t have four star hotels in Kandahar?”
Arizona gave her roommate a weird look. “That’s in Afghanistan. We were in Iraq.”
“Whatever,” Cristina shot back flippantly. “Give me a hot, muscular, shirtless man on my table and I’ll cut his heart open in the back of a dump truck for all I care.”
“You’d be surprised how intense it can be, Yang. Total culture shock my first week there,” Teddy said. “It’s not your grandmother’s OR. Sand, dirt, wind, thousand degree heat...”
“Plus you’re getting shot at and blown to pieces while trying to fix people,” Lexie said casually, only to realize her mistake a moment too late. “Oh!” A hand shot up to cover her mouth and she stared wide-eyed at Arizona. “I’m so sorry, that was totally insensitive of me.”
Callie stiffened next to Arizona’s legs but otherwise kept her eyes on the screen, listening closely to the exchange.
Arizona didn’t seem fazed. “It’s okay, really. I’m not that fragile.”
Lexie smiled sheepishly, even as her eyes automatically dropped down to Arizona’s legs. “Do you still...I mean, does it still hurt?”
“No, getting your leg blown to pieces feels like rainbows and sunshine,” Cristina quipped. “Do you ask all of your patients that, Little Grey? ‘Does it hurt?’” She mockingly dropped her voice an octave.
Lexie blushed and glared at her. “No,” she said hotly, looking at her sister for defense, but Meredith just grinned and stuffed more popcorn into her mouth.
“It still hurts,” Arizona answered. She could feel Callie getting agitated by her feet, her overprotective instincts no doubt kicking in. “But luckily my surgeon is awesome and I stand a good chance of walking again.” She shot Callie a playful wink when the woman glanced up at her.
“I still can’t believe she pulled an Izzie,” Cristina said loudly. “Way to go, Torres.”
“Shut it, Yang,” Callie barked, her invisible hackles rising.
“Izzie?” Arizona asked for clarification.
“She fell for a patient, cut his LVAD wire, got cancer, married Alex and left town,” Meredith supplied.
“And before that she cheated with Callie’s ex-husband.” Cristina again, of course. Apparently she liked playing with fire when she was drunk, because judging by the look on Callie’s face, she was about to get murdered in more than just their video game.
Arizona rested a hand on the back of Callie’s neck and subtly stroked her fingers through soft hair. “Right, that Izzie.” She frowned, thinking back to Callie’s first date explanation of how Seattle Grace worked like an episode of General Hospital. “Wait, didn’t he die? The guy whose LVAD got cut? How did she marry him if he died?”
“No, that was Denny,” Meredith corrected. “Izzie’s brain tumour made her sleep with his ghost but then she got together with Alex. He’s an ass but a pretty good guy. I think he’s sleeping with Alyssa and Demi from the ER interns now.”
By this point Arizona just looked confused as she tried to sort out who was who and what some guy’s ghost had to do with anything. It was beginning to give her a headache.
Teddy wore a similar expression. “I know that place is a gossip mill, but is it always so...dramatic?”
“Work there long enough and you’re likely to get either pregnant, divorced, stalked, hit by a car, appendicitis or dead,” Meredith replied. “And the first two options have a fifty-percent chance of happening with Mark Sloan.”
Lexie sulked at the mention of her missing boyfriend and took another long, drawn-out drink.
“I think I prefer getting blown up,” Arizona chuckled. “It sounds less complicated.”
Lexie scrunched her forehead. “That must’ve been awful. What was it like?”
“I think you pretty much summed it up with ‘awful’,” Teddy said pointedly, shooting Arizona a careful look.
“New game, anyone?” Callie said loudly, an edge of annoyance in her voice. She was fuming on the inside. These idiots wouldn’t leave her girlfriend alone with the twenty questions and it was starting to get to her. She had specifically told them not to grill Arizona or she would personally make sure they all spent the next month in the Pit training interns.
Arizona appreciated Callie’s bodyguard tendencies but she was relieved to find that she was doing okay on her own. Maybe it was because they were all surgeons that she didn’t mind talking about her injury. She chalked it up to their professional curiosity, knowing that residents in North America didn’t exactly see a lot of explosive wounds, especially when it came to modern warfare weaponry.
“It’s okay, Callie,” Arizona said reassuringly, giving the brunette’s shoulder a light squeeze before looking at Lexie. “I don’t remember a whole lot in detail, to be honest. Just bits and pieces from the first few days, and snippets of information that other people have told me. I haven’t seen pictures of the initial aftermath yet but I’ve heard it was pretty gruesome.”
“I’m not sure that you want to,” Teddy said quietly, her expression darkening. She remembered that day all too well.
Arizona glanced at her and smiled. “Altman saved my life. I would’ve been long gone by the time outside help arrived if she hadn’t done damage control. While the tent was on fire, might I add. She’s a badass.” Teddy rolled her eyes and Arizona shoulder-bumped her playfully.
“You were there?” Lexie asked. “What do you even do in a situation like that?”
“Try not to panic,” Teddy replied. “When your best friend and everyone around you is hurt, it’s surprisingly easy to focus. Arizona’s the trauma surgeon, though. I usually focus on abdominal injuries when we get multiple incoming. It was pretty crazy. I didn’t even hear if she had lived or not until two full days later.” She shook her head at the horrible memories and took a long, drawn-out drink.
Callie was torn between barking at the others to stuff a sock in it and wanting to hear more on the subject. This was the most she had ever heard from Arizona about that day or about her experiences in Iraq beyond their general discussion the other night.
Arizona could tell that the conversation was starting to wear on Teddy, however; a subtle tension in her posture noticeable to anyone that knew her well. She was also guzzling down another full beer, a sure sign of distress, so Arizona jumped at the chance to move the conversation along.
“Anyway, that’s in the past,” she said. “I think we’re both pretty happy being back in a city that rains. I’m jealous that you’ve had the chance to work with some of the new laparoscopic arms Callie’s been telling me about. I would kill to try those puppies out.”
“We definitely didn’t have any of those in our tent,” Teddy agreed, setting aside her empty bottle and exchanging it for a new one.
Cristina haphazardly tossed the controller at her boss and reached for more pizza. “I think I’ll stick with a real hospital. Besides, trauma surgeons are all meatballers; cardiovascular work takes real talent and I’d have no one to learn from out there.” Callie shot her a sharp look which she promptly ignored. “You don’t do piggyback transplants in a sandbox.”
“Meatballers?” Arizona echoed, cocking a challenging eyebrow.
“Just saying,” Cristina mumbled, avoiding eye contact and watching the television. “Trauma surgeons like to slap things together. Everyone knows that.”
Arizona smirked, sharing a knowing look with Teddy. “Have you ever pulled a piece of shrapnel the size of your fingernail out from the inside of the pulmonary artery? Without severing it?”
Cristina frowned.
“Or have you ever seen someone that’s stepped on a landmine and umbrellaed both of their legs? You have thirty seconds to clamp the bleeding before they’re dead, if that.” Teddy cracked open another beer and kicked her feet up on the table next to Arizona’s. “Sometimes you have three or four soldiers with the same injuries and only two surgeons on hand to get to them before they hit the triangle of death.”
“I once removed three ribs and a lung from a guy that was inside of a vehicle when it hit an IED. He survived,” Arizona added. “I’m not saying he was super happy about it when he woke up, but he lived and went home to his family. If you have a ‘prettier’ way of doing those things, we’d love to hear it.”
Cristina slowly shifted her dumbfounded gaze from Meredith to Lexie and then over to Callie, who was smirking, before finally landing back on Arizona. “Uh. No,” she said quietly, trying to hide her disappointment. “But that’s not to say that I couldn’t kick ass if I was given the opportunity. I’d make those surgeries my bitch.”
“Maybe someday, Yang,” Teddy said with a laugh.
“Try doing it all in one-hundred-twenty degree heat with a fleet of helicopters flying overhead, while inside of a tent that smells like armpits and with sand falling out of crevices that you shouldn’t have sand in,” Arizona added. She heard Teddy snort beside her as she tipped her beer in agreement. “Do all of those things and do them better, and then you can call us meatballers.”
Teddy and Arizona clinked glasses.
Lexie looked giddy at someone showing up Cristina. She still harboured resentment over being her intern last year. “I can’t figure out if those surgeries sound amazing or terrifying.”
“Amazing,” Cristina said without hesitation. “Except for the armpit tent. Give me a climate-controlled OR any day.”
Arizona shook her head and polished off the remainder of her wine. “Wuss.” That gained some laughter from the others.
Callie looked up at her girlfriend with a sly grin. Hearing her verbally spar with Cristina and successfully put the younger resident in her place filled her with a sense of pride. Not many people could do that so easily. Arizona caught her spying and returned the smile, a playful sparkle in her eyes. Callie handed over the controller, letting Arizona have a turn and giving herself a chance to relax. “Here. Let’s see your moves.”
“C’mon, sailors,” Cristina jeered as Teddy and Arizona started a new game session. “If you can drive a tank, you can drive a virtual car.”
“Drive a tank?” Arizona burst out laughing. “What the heck do you think they let us do over there?”
“Submarine, whatever you navy folk do.”
“Gee, I must’ve skipped that day,” Teddy mused. She jumped right into the action, stealing a car and taking off with squealing tires. “C’mon, Robbins. First one to the edge of the city map gets to watch the other polish off that bottle of whisky.”
“This isn’t gonna end well,” Arizona grumbled to herself as she hammered on the acceleration button and accidentally drove into a lake.
***
The next hour went by in a flurry of video games, more pizza, and an endless supply of beer and wine being passed around. Cristina was also mixing shooters of something that would undoubtedly have the others hugging porcelain the next morning, but Arizona had made a point to stop drinking after her third - or was it fourth? - glass of wine. She had a good enough buzz going that she didn’t feel the need to make it worse, especially since it had been a very long time since she had consumed this much alcohol in one sitting.
The residents were another story. She made a note to call them a cab at the end of the night, and maybe try to convince the Greys to take Cristina home with them.
Cristina and Callie argued about what game to switch Halo 3 out for, during which time Teddy struggled to stand up from the couch, climbing over several sets of legs before staggering down the back hall to use the facilities. Arizona followed her with her eyes, worry lines creasing her forehead until more weight flopped down to her right.
Callie was half grinning, half frowning at her, somehow making the two activities possible at once. “Everything okay? Are you having fun?”
Arizona nodded, pretending it wasn’t the fourth time that Callie had asked her that evening. “Yes, actually, I’m having a blast.” She peered down the back hall briefly. “I think Teddy’s kind of bummed, though. She’s had a rough week and dragging up the past was probably a bad idea on my part.”
Callie’s frown deepened and she played with a lock of Arizona’s hair around her finger. “Is everything okay?” she repeated, her eyes slightly fuzzy as she tried harder to focus. “Bad work stuff?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Arizona said with a quick nod, keeping her voice low. The others had split in different directions for a bathroom break, leaving them alone for at least thirty seconds, but she still didn’t want to be overheard.
“She heard from some military friends a few days ago and sometimes it’s hard to relive the stuff we went through. But she’ll be fine. That’s why I brought her along tonight, I thought she could use a pick-me-up.”
Callie reached over and plucked away the pretzel her girlfriend was just about to munch on. “You’re a good friend,” she stated, leaning in to replace the pretzel with her lips.
Arizona sighed happily, spending a moment gazing into Callie’s beautiful brown eyes when they parted. She didn’t need two litres of wine coursing through her system to feel lightheaded. “And you’re an even better girlfriend,” she replied earnestly. She really didn’t know what she had done to deserve someone so patient and kind, but she would be forever grateful for the chance to feel happy again.
With her gentle smile slowly morphing into something more mischievous, Callie was just starting to scoot her body closer to Arizona when a solid form suddenly plunked down between them, effectively wedging them apart.
“Cristina!” Callie snapped, steaming practically pouring out of her ears as she was forced to the side.
Cristina ignored the fact that she had just sat on them both and blindly handed Callie a controller, stealing the pretzel her roommate had taken from Arizona and shoving it into her mouth. “Game on, Torres. We’re gonna double team this loser online once and for all.”
Callie was still glowering at her vagina-blocking roommate and snatched the controller up in a huff. “Fine. But I swear to god, Yang, if you get me killed again, I will assassinate you myself.”
“I don’t think you’re supposed to tell the person you’re assassinating that you’re assassinating them,” Arizona pointed out helpfully, sipping some water with a slight pout on her lips. “Technically it’s not an assassination if they see it coming.”
Callie shot a side glance at her girlfriend. “Close your mouth and drink more wine. You haven’t gotten to the dancing-on-tables stage of being drunk yet and I want to see that.”
Arizona cocked an eyebrow. “I’ve never been drunk enough to dance on tables.”
“You will be,” Cristina stated as she loaded their last Call of Duty 4 game session.
“Hello, bum leg, remember?” Arizona added. “The best I could manage is an incredibly awkward faceplant.”
Meredith and Lexie came back into the room at that point and collapsed at the foot of the couch, officially making it a little too crowded for Arizona’s taste. She handed off her spot to Lexie and struggled to her feet, grabbing the forearm crutch leaning up against the table.
Once in the kitchen, she took a moment to tidy a few things up, putting excess wrappers and napkins in the garbage and gathering the empty pizza boxes for recycling. The few dishes that couldn’t go into their dishwasher were loaded into the sink that she filled halfway with soapy water. Her eyes occasionally flickered towards Callie, who looked like she was having a ball. One of Arizona’s favourite things to do these days was to watch Callie when she wasn’t paying attention; she was so radiant and beautiful that it took Arizona’s breath away. She had never been with someone that was so open and free-spirited before. It was refreshing. And Callie had a killer smile to boot.
“You really are OCD, aren’t you?” Teddy announced as she appeared in the kitchen, wearing a cheeky grin as she grabbed a clean towel and started to dry the items Arizona had washed. “You and your mom are the same person some days.”
Arizona grimaced. “I’ll remember you said that,” she shot back.
They spent a moment in silence watching the others bicker over what level to play, during which time Teddy marveled at how enthralled Arizona seemed with Callie. When her friend wasn’t looking at the brunette, she was biting back a smile and staring much too hard into the bubbly water to be thinking about dishes.
“You have the willpower of an ox, Robbins,” Teddy chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief.
Arizona quickly looked up, perplexed. “Huh?”
Teddy nodded at Callie without taking her eyes away from Arizona. “I’m just saying, if it were me and I looked at some guy the way you look at Torres...I’d have hit that by now.” She figured there was no point in sugar coating it.
Arizona immediately blushed and flicked some soapy dish water at Teddy’s face. “Really? You sound like one of the those apes we used to work with. There are things in life other than sex, Theodora.”
Teddy cringed at the use of her full name. “Whatever. I still think you’re a Saint or a secret nun or something.” She was only teasing, well aware of her best friend’s hesitancies when it came to intimacy, but there was no doubt in her mind that they would be short lived. Arizona had never exactly been shy when it came to sharing stories about her conquests pre-injury, and Callie was so much more than that.
“So, are you having a good night?” Arizona said quickly, taking a leaf from Callie’s booklet in a desperate attempt to change the subject. When she received silence in return, she shot a worried look at Teddy, noting the unfocused look in her eyes. “Teddy?”
“Hm?” Teddy blinked and looked back. “What? Oh, yeah, sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “Yeah, tonight’s great. Thank you for inviting me.”
Arizona nodded, keeping her expression carefully neutral. “I’m glad you came, this is fun. And, y’know, I figured you could use some after you talked to Owen, so...”
Teddy set aside a dry wine glass and took the clean beer mug passed her way, rubbing it with the towel. “Very sneaky. I see how you did that.”
Arizona made a face and momentarily set the wash cloth down. “C’mon, I’m just curious. You’ve been getting these far off ‘looks’ ever since he called and I want to know if I’m gonna have to fly back over there and beat him with a cane. Or a crutch. Or the butt-end of an M4. Whatever’s handy.”
Teddy snickered and rolled her eyes. “Oh, you know how it goes. I worry about him, he tells me about everything going on, I worry some more. He seemed okay. Didn’t really say much about his plans after his tour is up.”
“Just as long as that ship has sailed,” Arizona said lightly. “Somewhere far, far away from here. Because if it comes anywhere near you or Seattle, I will go after him with my cannons a-blazin’.”
Teddy just looked amused. “And here I thought you two got along famously.”
“Oh, Owen’s great,” Arizona said perkily, returning her eyes to the shrinking pile of dishes. “But if he makes you cry one more time, he’s a dead man.”
In the living room, someone cranked up the volume on the television, suddenly amplifying the sounds of gunfire and shouting. Arizona and Teddy both looked up, startled, the irony of the timing not lost on either of them.
“And just when you thought you’d never hear that again,” Teddy said humorlessly. Her eyes dropped to the sink, detecting just the hint of a shake in Arizona’s hands. “You okay?”
“Peachy,” Arizona said with a quick smile. She was caught off-guard by the bombardment of noise. It was probably just the wine going to her head, but the familiar sounds made her uncomfortable, even if it was just a video game. Talking about their past was one thing, but Arizona wasn’t exactly keen on reliving it.
Teddy decided to continue as a distraction for them both and raised her voice enough so Arizona could still hear her. “He was discussing a trip to Vegas with his unit once they get discharged,” she continued. “He asked if I could convince you and some of the Marines to tag along.”
“Vegas isn’t really my thing,” Arizona admitted, not really wanting to discuss her other reasons for declining the invitation. The idea of seeing people from that part of her life again made her fidgety; she wasn’t anywhere near ready for that. Right now she was quite content with civilian life, even if it was starting to get a little boring during the day while her girlfriend was at work.
“Nick will probably be there,” Teddy prodded.
Arizona paused mid-wash, the glass in her hand still covered with a layer of soap. “That’s good. I’m sure he could use the break, too.”
Teddy pursed her lips and studied her friend closely. “Are you ever gonna call him? I know he wants to see you. He was going to fly to Seattle during his last leave, but you were having surgery again and I told him it wasn’t a good idea.”
“Yeah, of course I’m going to,” Arizona said in a rush. “Just not yet. Not until...” She hesitated, fumbling for an excuse. Until what? Until she stopped freaking out at loud noises and dreaming about the boy who killed himself in front of her? For all she knew, this was as good as she was ever going to get, mentally and physically. While she couldn’t imagine never seeing Nick again, she also couldn’t stand the thought of seeing pity in his eyes when he looked at her. It was bad enough after Tim had died, but at least back then they had both been suffering. She didn’t want him to see what a disaster she was now.
Aware that she had been silent just a little bit longer than was necessary, Arizona cleared her throat and continued washing. “I will, okay? Once everything here calms down.”
Teddy didn’t point out that Arizona’s life couldn’t be more calm at the moment. She knew the other woman’s desire to keep her two lives separate made sense on paper; she just didn’t understand why she was including her childhood best friend on that list.
“He’ll be home for good in a couple of months,” Teddy added after a brief silence passed. “I’m sure he’d be more than willing to visit Seattle. You know Army boys; they like the rain.”
Arizona closed her eyes as noise from the television rose again, making it even harder to collect her thoughts. Once upon a time it would have rolled off of her shoulders and been a non-issue, but with thoughts of Nick and Owen and the day she nearly lost her leg floating through her mind, sounds of gunfire and explosions were making her bristle. Leave it to her stupid brain to turn what had been a good night thus far into another bout of stomach-twisting nausea at the drop of a hat.
Or maybe that was just the mixture of wine and shooters she had been guzzling down. That was a much less pathetic excuse.
“Arizona?”
She opened her eyes and blinked at Teddy, producing a tight smile before glancing over at the television. She didn’t know who was playing, but it was close-quarters combat and the split-screen characters were charging in and out of houses along a narrow street. Someone rounded a corner and the face of an opposing player filled their screen. The person sitting on their couch pulled the trigger and blew a hole in their head. To Arizona’s dismay, it was Callie who raised her arms and let out a whoop of triumph.
She pictured it being Jimmy Bensmiller again; the young private who chose to end his life after being forced to shoot two Iraqi children in self-defense. Not for the first time, she wondered how his mother was holding up. Arizona had always liked his family. She wished she had been able to attend his funeral, but at the time it was too much of a reminder of Tim.
Suddenly feeling dizzy on her feet, Arizona dropped the final glass she was washing into the sink and fumbled for her crutch. “I have to pee,” she told Teddy, avoiding eye contact as she stumbled around her, feeling increasingly nauseous.
It registered on Teddy’s face, that look of concerned sympathy - the exact one that Arizona didn’t want to see on Nick or anyone else she knew from her past life. It wasn’t really their fault; if roles were reversed, Arizona knew she probably would have felt the same. She was just really sick and tired of people feeling sorry for her.
Once inside the bathroom, she shut the door and stumbled to the floor. The crutch clattered down beside her and Arizona pulled the toilet seat up, squeezing her eyes shut.
The last time she had thrown up when alcohol was involved, she had probably been in her early twenties. It usually took a lot more than this to make her feel sick. Considering that the others had consumed more than twice what she had, it made her feel kind of pathetic.
At least it wasn’t another panic attack, though. That was a bonus. She was fairly certain she wouldn’t have felt this bad had she been sober. But the booze, combined with the sudden and unexpected reality check - for lack of a better explanation - made her sick to her stomach. It took a lot of willpower not to throw up everything she had consumed right then and there.
The initial wave of nausea passed, allowing Arizona to sit back and breathe deeply. A dull ache in her knee was starting to rise up, brought on by kneeling on the cold tile, but at least it provided a distraction. She didn’t feel like reliving her dinner of pizza, popcorn and pretzels all over again. Once was more than enough.
When she was sure she wouldn’t start spewing in all directions, Arizona scooted back against the edge of the tub. She stretched her bad leg out in front of her and pulled the other knee up to rest her forehead against it, taking in deep gulps of air.
She tried not to think about the things she had seen over the last three years. They haunted her in her sleep often enough that she didn’t feel like dwelling on them in her waking hours, too. When the nightmares were really bad, she didn’t remember them, but there were other times when incidents from the past would creep up and catch her by surprise, and she could picture them clearly without trying.
Triggering them with small talk about army friends and video games seemed all too bizarre to her. People died over there under horrific circumstances that you just wouldn’t see in an emergency room in the middle of Seattle. She couldn’t stop picturing the look on the young private’s face before he took his life in front of her. He shouldn’t have died; she could have taken his pistol when she got to him and prevented it from happening. He was way too young.
They always were.
Not for the first time, Arizona wondered what her brother must have looked like after his vehicle drove over an IED and he bled out on the side of the road. She wondered if he still had his legs when he died. No one had told her and she had never asked for the details.
The nausea returned full force and Arizona barely managed to scramble forward in time. She retched into the toilet, by some miracle not emptying the entire contents of her stomach in one breath. Tears burned in her eyes as she held back the urge to do it again, knowing she wouldn’t be able to stop until the rest of the booze came back up.
***
The commotion going on around her kept Callie preoccupied and it wasn’t until she felt a hand on her shoulder that she looked up from the television.
Teddy stood behind the couch looking anxious. “Torres, you might want to check on her.”
“Hm?” Callie looked confused, and only after she glimpsed her surroundings did she notice that Arizona was missing. Immediately concerned, she handed her controller off to Meredith and leapt over the back of the couch.
“She’s in the bathroom,” Teddy said lightly, casting a wary look at the television.
“Crap,” Callie sighed, figuring that Arizona was probably tossing her cookies. Padding down the back hall, away from the noise, she leaned in and pressed her ear to the door. When there was no sound, she knocked. “Arizona?” Still nothing. “Are you okay in there?”
Becoming worried at the lack of a response, Callie put her hand on the doorknob when a loud, explosive noise burst out from the TV. She had just turned her head and shouted at the others to turn it down when an icy cold realization flooded through her.
Fuck.
“Arizona, I’m coming in,” she announced, keeping her voice relatively low so as to not alert the others. She twisted the knob and stepped inside, her heart immediately plummeting at what she saw.
Arizona was sitting back against the tub again, resting her forehead on her left knee, and she looked almost as shaky and pale as Callie had seen her that day at the pier.
Callie immediately closed the door behind her and rushed to kneel at her girlfriend’s side, relieved when the blonde raised her head and acknowledged her with a weak smile. It meant that she hadn’t shut down completely.
“Are you okay?” Callie murmured quietly, afraid to ask. She reached out and brushed a few strands of damp hair away from Arizona’s forehead, tucking them behind her ear before tracing a thumb along her temple.
Arizona managed to look sheepish as the corner of her mouth twitched up in a weak smile. “Yeah. I think I drank too much,” she replied in a shaky voice. “I’m okay.”
Callie swallowed thickly and glanced behind her at the door, then back at her girlfriend. “I am so sorry, baby, I-I should have known not to...I should’ve known better. It’s my fault, I didn’t think-”
“Don’t be silly,” Arizona chastised, her voice still hoarse. “It’s just a game. It doesn’t mean anything.”
Callie didn’t buy it for a second. “I should have used my brain before suggesting that we play it. I was stupid and didn’t think of you or Teddy.” She wanted to kick herself in the face right now, she was so furious. After all they had been through in the last few months, it should have been obvious that a violent war game wasn’t the best choice for entertainment. She was such an asshole.
“It’s just a video game,” Arizona repeated, licking her lips. “I shouldn’t be such a mental case about it.”
“You aren’t,” Callie said heatedly, taking Arizona’s hands in her own and squeezing them firmly. “I can’t imagine the kinds of horrible memories it must drag up. I’m so sorry.” She felt nauseous too, though it had everything to do with the guilt churning in her gut and not the drinks she had consumed. It was surprising how utterly stone-cold sober she felt right now.
Arizona was still quivering and for a moment she closed her eyes, worried that she would ruin the illusion of her iron will and upchuck in front of Callie. Not only was she mortified that the brunette got to see her in yet another vulnerable state, but she didn’t think she could handle puking in front of her this soon into their relationship. There was a line and she really didn’t want to cross it.
“I swear I’m usually more normal than this,” Arizona said with a flat attempt at being funny. “There were way less freak outs and panic attacks a year ago. I could even watch a whole movie without falling asleep on top of you. You’d have been impressed.”
Callie chuckled despite the sorrow she felt, seeing the woman she cared for looking so defeated. She slid in beside Arizona and pulled her close, glad when the woman willingly curled up against her side instead of fighting it. “Can I do something? Anything?” she asked, feeling utterly helpless. If she was responsible for throwing her partner back into the depths of her dark headspace, she would never forgive herself. Things had just finally started to look up again.
“I’m okay,” Arizona repeated, closing her eyes. “Still a bit nauseous. It’s really not your fault, I just haven’t drank this much since I got hurt. Back in the day I could drink any Marine under the table, so go figure.”
Callie pursed her lips but remained silent, squeezing Arizona’s shoulders and gently rubbing a hand up and down her arm. She understood Arizona’s desperate attempts to claim that it was just the booze, but she knew it went beyond that. She recognized the haunted look in those blue eyes all too well by now. She only wished that she had clued in sooner, before the noise and the violence had sent her girlfriend scrambling for cover.
“I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” Arizona said quietly, breaking the silence. Callie felt a cold shot of fear rush through her, wondering in what capacity the statement was meant.
“It’s exhausting,” Arizona continued, swallowing hard and nuzzling her cheek into Callie’s shoulder. “I just want to go back to how I was before.”
“You’ll get there,” Callie said reassuringly. “It’ll take time, but you will. Or you’ll get to a place where things don’t hurt so much anymore.”
“I wish I knew for sure.”
Arizona’s voice was so sad and defeated that it broke Callie’s heart. Callie wanted to tell her that in some capacity she knew it was true; that the pain and heartbreak of a traumatic event could heal over time. But sharing her own past experiences risked turning it into a conversation about herself, which wasn’t what she wanted right now, so she kept quiet.
“It’ll get better,” Callie said instead. “And you don’t have to do it alone. I’m going to keep reminding you of that.”
Arizona fell silent and allowed herself to relax into her girlfriend’s side. Eventually the shaking stopped and her temperature returned to a more comfortable state, though it left her feeling cold and clammy.
When enough time had passed and she was sure she wouldn’t throw up a third time, Arizona finally lifted her head and looked awkwardly away from Callie’s questioning gaze. “I’m kind of mortified at how bad my breath is right now,” she said sheepishly.
That made Callie smile. “I don’t care,” she replied, leaning closer.
Arizona lifted a hand and pushed her fingers into Callie’s lips, politely steering her head in the other direction. “No, seriously, Calliope. It’s bad on a whole new scale of the word. I really need to wash up.”
Easing forward from the tub, Callie helped Arizona to her feet, thankful that their combined lack of balance didn’t send them both tumbling back into the shower. She helped her walk the few steps over to the sink, keeping an arm wrapped around her waist for balance as Arizona brushed her teeth and gargled some mouthwash. Callie could tell that she was trying really hard to act coordinated, but every once in awhile Arizona’s hand would slip and nearly send the toothbrush up her nose.
It served to make them both laugh, even though the action was much more diluted than it would have been without the preceding heavy conversation. Even so, Callie could see just how utterly exhausted Arizona was. She felt guilty for being part of that reason. She still couldn’t believe her utter stupidity for playing a violent game that glorified war in the presence of two people that had lived through it. The Catholic part of her was screaming for some sort of self-flagellation in return. She deserved that and more as far as she was concerned.
Once Arizona was washed up, Callie situated her on the crutch and nodded at the door. “C’mon. You can change in my room while I get rid of the others. It’ll only take me a minute.”
Arizona immediately shook her head, regretting it as the action made her dizzy. “No, really, I’ll be fine. You have fun with your friends; I’m not going to ruin your night, too.”
“You are not ruining my night,” Callie argued. “I’m totally content to just curl up in bed and pass out. I’ve got a bottle of aspirin in the nightstand for tomorrow and I’ll make sure I grab a pitcher of water to go along with it.”
Callie’s natural assumption of their shared accommodation made Arizona smile, but it also made her feel even guiltier for what she was about to say. “Actually, um, I think I’m just going to...I-I’m gonna sleep in my room tonight,” she said slowly.
Callie furrowed her brow and looked taken back. “Oh, okay. Yeah, o-of course, that makes sense.”
“It’s not you,” Arizona said in a hurry. “Really, it’s just...I’m not feeling great and after everything, I think I just need to clear my head.” The disappointment on her girlfriend’s face made her feel even guiltier. She reached out to tug affectionately on the front of Callie’s shirt. “Are you mad?”
Callie’s expression immediately softened, not wanting Arizona to get the wrong idea. “No,” she said firmly, pulling the blonde into her arms and pressing a soft kiss to her temple. “Of course I’m not mad. I just need to know that you’ll be okay.”
“More than okay,” Arizona replied, even if ‘more than’ was probably overstating it. She would be fine, she just needed to be alone in her room to get her head on straight again without worrying about whether Callie was worrying or not. She didn’t have the energy to put on a brave face.
“Go play with your friends.” Arizona pulled away from the embrace and allowed herself to capture her girlfriend’s lips in a brief kiss now that her teeth were brushed and her mouth sanitized. “I’ll see you and that bottle of aspirin in the morning. Or possibly tomorrow afternoon, depending on how things go.”
“I think you drank enough water to flood the Sahara; you’ll be okay,” Callie chuckled, rubbing both hands up and down Arizona’s arms. “If you need anything, just holler or bang a crutch on the wall. Or call my cellphone if you don’t want to get up. I’ll leave it on my nightstand.” She was notorious for passing out cold and needing a giant earthquake to wake her up when she drank, and she worried about not hearing Arizona’s distress call if one was made. Tonight she had kept herself relatively in check, though, so hopefully she would be okay.
Knowing more reassurances wouldn’t serve to actually reassure, Arizona just nodded in confirmation. “Okay.”
“Can I help you to your room?” Callie asked tentatively.
“Actually, I’m going to take a minute in here. You go ahead.” Arizona saw another frown forming on her girlfriend’s face and quirked a tiny grin. “I have to pee.”
“Oh.” Callie blushed and looked sheepish. “Right, sorry. I’ll leave you to it.” She pulled open the bathroom door again but hesitated in actually leaving. “I really am sorry, Arizona. About everything.”
“I’m going to start throwing things the next time ‘I’m sorry’ comes out of your mouth,” Arizona teased. “I had a great night, Calliope. Thank you.”
Callie managed to smile. “Goodnight.”
Arizona returned it. “Night.”
The door swung closed behind Callie and the expression immediately fell from Arizona’s face. She sagged forward against the sink and let out a long breath that she felt like she had been holding throughout the entire conversation. Turning the water on again, she waited until it got cold before splashing a few handfuls onto her face. The frigid temperature helped clear her mind a little bit but not as much as she was hoping for. She decided to shower before retreating to her room; she couldn’t stand falling asleep all sweaty and gross.
No part of her blamed Callie for her own drastic change in mood; Arizona just couldn’t handle ruining yet another one of their plans because her mind and her body wouldn’t cooperate. With something as simple as a video game, it seemed too absurd that it would drag up all of the things she had spent the last few days trying to squash down again. She made a pact not to drink again until her issues were squared away, because she would lose her mind if this didn’t stop happening to her every time she tried to be happy.
Arizona stood up straight and grabbed a clean towel from the rack next to the sink, dabbing the water off of her face before staring hard into the mirror. Her eyes looked sunken and there were dark ovals beneath them. If it were even possible, she looked paler than she normally did. Arizona argued with herself that it could be attractive - ’y’know, if Callie were into that whole ‘Corpse Bride’ look,’ she thought to herself.
The angle between the mirror and the door was such that, from where she was standing, she didn’t see that it had been left open a crack. Callie stood at arm’s length on the other side, peering through the small space and seeing the heavy look in her girlfriend’s reflection. She was at a total loss and didn’t know what to do, because Arizona clearly didn’t want her help tonight, but it made her sick to her stomach thinking about leaving her alone again. What if this incident made her have another nightmare?
But she had fucked up enough for one night; she wasn’t about to blow this newly developed trust between her and Arizona just because she didn’t know when to stop hovering. Sooner or later she would drive the blonde crazy and she knew it. That didn’t mean she had to like learning when to walk away, though. It was too hard.
“Torres?”
It was Teddy’s voice from the end of the hall that dragged Callie from her thoughts. Not wanting Arizona to know that she was spying in case she walked out, she hurriedly stepped away and headed towards the main room. She could see the concern in Teddy’s eyes and tried to alleviate it with a forced smile.
“She’s okay; she’s just washing up and then going to bed.” Callie paused next to Teddy and glanced in the direction of the three residents on her couch. “I’m going to give them ten minutes so they don’t think it was Arizona’s fault, then I’m telling them to clear out.”
“Not a bad idea,” Teddy replied. “I can stick around long enough to help clean up if you want.”
“Nah, I’m just going to leave it for tomorrow,” Callie said with a deep sigh. “Too tired. We should probably call a cab for these punks, though.”
“That I can do.” Teddy pulled out her cellphone and stepped away to make the call.
When she heard the shower start up in the bathroom, Callie forced herself into the kitchen and started putting away whatever food was left out in the open; anything she could do to keep from running back in there and demolishing the trust Arizona had only just started building in her.
***
By the time Callie collapsed into bed forty-five minutes later, she was completely knackered. Arizona’s door was closed and her light was off when she checked, and despite the urge to peer inside and make sure she was sleeping soundly, Callie left her alone. She would just have to trust that Arizona would tell her the next day if something was still wrong. She liked to think they had come that far together.
That thought didn’t help Callie fall asleep, however. She alternated between lying on her back and sprawling flat on her stomach, desperate to find some sort of comfortable position that would let her rest until morning. Her overactive imagination refused to let that happen.
She could only hope that Arizona was already out cold across the hall and that no more nightmarish visions were haunting her mind.
Ironically, that night it was Callie who awoke with a start.
---
Scar Tissue (Part Two)
Chapter 22
Authors: kennedysbitch & livelovelearneg
Beta'd by englishstrawbie
Rating: NC-17 [Depictions of violence, PTSD, Language, Sexual Content]
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer
Scar Tissue [masterpost]
Summary: When Arizona Robbins’ brother dies in Iraq, her life takes off in a completely different direction. Now a highly-rated trauma surgeon with the United States Marine Corps, she spends the three years following his death serving their country overseas - until an insurgent attack leaves her with debilitating injuries. Traveling to Seattle at her father’s request, she falls under the care of orthopedic surgeon Dr. Calliope Torres. Damaged emotionally and physically, Arizona tries to start the healing process with the help of a headstrong woman she never saw coming.
Part Two: Now free from the confines of a hospital bed for the first time
in almost five months, Arizona begins her physical and emotional recovery while
navigating a budding yet rocky relationship with Callie Torres.
Warnings: Depictions of violence, PTSD, Language, Sexual Content
Trailer:
Click to viewA/N: No, you didn’t miss 21B. By the time this portion was fleshed out the way I wanted it, it was long enough to stand as its own chapter, so it has simply been turned into chapter 22 instead. (This makes things easier when posting on websites other than Livejournal.)
---
June 10th, 2009
“All I’m saying is that this might be an option worth considering,” Callie was saying in a low voice, directing her words to the woman perched across the kitchen counter on one of their stools. She was pouring their second refill of the night as they took a moment away from the others.
“Are you trying to get me drunk?” Arizona asked, ignoring the question as she watched the level of red wine pass the halfway mark of her glass.
Callie flashed her an amused smirk and only stopped when the bottle was empty. “Maybe. You did volunteer to join in with the crazy, remember? Getting drunk is an official part of it.”
The background noise rose and momentarily drew their attention to the living room. Teddy, Cristina, her friend Meredith Grey and Meredith’s sister, Lexie, had joined them for Callie and Cristina’s infamous game night. They were howling with laughter, induced by alcohol and a split-screen session of Grand Theft Auto.
Arizona was glad that the others were distracted because she knew Callie wouldn’t give up easily. “Can we not do this here, please?” she asked quietly, picking up her glass and taking a long sip.
Callie set the empty bottle aside and worked a corkscrew into another. She spared the hooligans in the living room a glance before focusing on Arizona. “That’s what you said earlier, remember? I really don’t want to drag this out into next week.” She tried to say it humorously but it came out sounding flat.
Arizona released an exasperated sigh. “Calliope…”
“It would only be a short-term solution,” Callie continued in a rush. “Plenty of people take these prescriptions and they can really help.”
“They also have more side effects than I’m willing to risk,” Arizona argued, lifting an eyebrow over the rim of her glass. “Try to understand; I’ve had enough drugs in my system to last me a lifetime. We’ll find another way.”
It was a subject that had them going in circles since eight o’clock the night before, when Callie had received Arizona’s test results back. She had analyzed them closely and found no problems beyond elevated blood pressure. There was no doubt in Callie’s mind that it was caused by Arizona’s stress levels. It was unhealthy for a person to feel that way for such a long period of time and she had tentatively suggested that Arizona consider taking lorazepam or some other kind of low-dosage anti-anxiety medication until they found a better solution. In Callie’s mind, she didn’t see Arizona’s situation truly getting better until she sought help in vanquishing her personal demons, but until then things could not keep going on like they had been.
Arizona, however, was vehemently against the idea of prescription drugs. Callie could respect her reasons why, but she was more concerned about the long-term effects on her body in the meantime. Stress could do some ugly things to a person when allowed to accumulate and Callie didn’t want to sit by and watch things get worse.
Coming out of her revere, Callie struggled with the corkscrew. “Look, your scans came back clean and you don’t have a brain tumour, which is great and everything, but you’re still getting migraines and nosebleeds and can’t sleep through the night.” The cork jerked out with a hollow ‘pop’ and she refilled her own glass, splashing wine around in her agitated state. “I could put you on antihypertensives for your BP but we both know that’s not going to solve the problem. I’m just worried about you, okay? This isn’t something you can brush off like it’s no big deal.”
Despite her desire to drop the subject into the Puget Sound and let it sink, Arizona could see how worked up Callie was getting. She reached across the counter to take her hand as Callie set down the bottle. “I’ll be okay, I promise,” she said with a soft smile. “I’ve got you now, remember? You’ve already helped me feel better in three days than I’ve felt in the last six months.”
When Callie pursed her lips, Arizona squeezed her fingers reassuringly. This was one of the reasons she had kept everything to herself for so long; she felt guilty that Callie was losing sleep over her personal issues.
“No more worrying,” Arizona said firmly. “Tonight I just want to relax and meet your friends, not think about all of the other stuff going on. We can talk about this tomorrow, I promise.” She paused, waiting through a few seconds of terse silence. “Please? Just for tonight. I need a break from everything.”
Part of Callie wanted to argue, but the big doe-eyes Arizona was throwing her way were disarming. “Okay,” she agreed reluctantly, forcing out a weak smile. “You win. I’ll drop it.”
Arizona tugged on Callie’s arm, guiding her around the edge of the counter before pulling her up to the stool. “Thank you.” She tilted her head back and stole a small kiss, smiling when she felt some of the tension leave her girlfriend’s body.
Callie sighed into the kiss, knowing it would be impossible not to dwell on the subject, but she was willing to give Arizona the space that she needed. The woman deserved a night off after everything she had been through and Callie wasn’t about to force another hard discussion on her when she wasn’t ready.
“Gross,” Cristina called over, ruining the tender moment. “Stop making out. Bring us more popcorn.”
Arizona pulled back with a smirk, never taking her eyes off of Callie. “Shall we join them?” She toyed with the hem of the brunette’s t-shirt, letting it be known that she wouldn’t object to a private moment somewhere else instead.
Callie chuckled and took Arizona’s hand, helping her stand up and get situated on one of the new forearm crutches she had recently acquired. “I’ll take the booze, you take the food.”
Arizona carried the massive popcorn bowl in her left hand as she hobbled over to the group, setting it down before plunking into her spot on the couch. The food was instantly mauled by four sets of hands in a flurry of action.
Handing Arizona her wine and setting the crutch aside again, Callie settled onto the floor next to her legs, stretching her own out in front of her. Teddy occupied the other half of the couch and Cristina was sprawled across her favourite chair, while Meredith and Lexie were also seated on the carpet.
“Why are you picking up a hooker?” Teddy was asking Cristina, whose corner of the screen showed the exterior of a car with a scantily-clad woman getting in.
“It doses up your health,” Cristina replied. “Hookers and stuffing your face with chicken give you the energy to shoot things. I didn’t make the rules.”
Meredith glanced over. “But you’re losing money. The other districts have cheaper girls.”
Cristina’s smirk said it all. “Not if I kill the bitch after.”
Lexie looked horrified. “Ew. Think of all the STDs.” She recoiled when Cristina backed her car up over the on-screen prostitute. “This game is horrible. What is wrong with you two?”
“It’s glorifying violence and everything that’s wrong in the world,” Callie agreed. “But just wait until you get your hands on a rocket launcher. It’s wicked.”
Arizona laughed as the split-screen shenanigans between Cristina and Meredith continued. “So this is what you do with your free time? Video games and alcohol?” she asked her girlfriend.
Callie shrugged. “Pretty much. We’re basically over-aged college kids with better paying jobs.” Cristina crashed and blew up so Callie launched forward, setting her wine on the table. “Oh! My turn!” Snatching the controller away, she sat back against the base of the couch and trained her eyes on the TV.
“Don’t screw up my progress,” Cristina called out, reaching down to grab a slice of pizza from the box on the table.
“How can I mess with your progress?” Callie asked. She navigated her character over to yank an innocent bystander into the street and stole his car. “You just blew yourself up for fun. You haven’t made any progress.”
Lexie took a sip of her beer, still looking rather confused. “Wait, so...what’s the point of this? Besides having unprotected sex in the back of stolen vehicles and killing prostitutes.”
Callie grinned as she drove her car straight into a police cruiser, causing it to flip and roll off an embankment. “We have no clue,” she admitted. “We just blow shit up and run from the cops.”
Arizona glanced down at her. “You’re kind of twisted. It’s oddly attractive.”
“If zombies invade, I’m on Torres’ team,” Teddy announced, munching on a slice of pizza.
Arizona nudged Callie in the shoulder with her leg. “Me too.”
“Another hooker?” Lexie asked in disbelief, this time aiming it at her sister. “Ew, Mer. You’ll get herpes.”
“Lexie, it’s not real,” Meredith pointed out. “Besides, there’s no Cluckin’ Bell anywhere and I need more life so I can go blow up a tour bus.”
“Cluckin’ Bell?” Lexie echoed warily. “Is that like KFC with tacos or something?”
“Who knows,” Cristina chimed in. “But the kid behind the counter looks like George when he was sixteen.” Callie successfully blew up a police helicopter and Cristina pumped a fist in the air on her behalf. “Four wanted stars! Everybody drink!”
Laughter broke out among the three participants while Lexie just continued to look mystified. Like a group of teenagers, they all took a long drink from their respective beverages. Arizona shook her head in disbelief and followed suit. She couldn’t remember the last time she had done something like this. It was probably back in university when she was in her early twenties.
“I feel like I’m going to hell just by witnessing this,” Lexie pointed out, her words slightly slurred. She had tagged along because Mark was gone and she was depressed and lonely. Cristina and Meredith had practically been siphoning shots down her throat for the better part of an hour in an attempt to make her feel better.
Arizona shared a bemused grin with the younger resident. “Don’t worry, I’m not really into blowing people up with rocket launchers either.” She leaned forward and grabbed some popcorn. “It’s not nearly as fun as it looks when you’re on the other side.”
The room went quiet. Only some random bystander’s scream echoed from the television.
Arizona paused mid-chew. “Wow. Tough room. That was a joke.”
Meredith handed her controller to a smirking Cristina. “What was that like, anyway?” Meredith asked. “Being surrounded year-round by hot, sweaty men in uniform with lots of muscles and the tendency to do pushups?”
Arizona lifted an eyebrow. “I’m really not the person to be asking,” she pointed out, glancing at the woman by her feet.
“It had its perks,” Teddy chimed in.
“Maybe I should join the Navy,” Cristina said mildly, mashing buttons with increasing agitation as her character got shot at. “Torres! Some cover here, please?”
“I’m busy,” Callie said distractedly, focused on the game.
“You couldn’t join the Navy,” Meredith scolded. “You can’t even swim. And you hate dirty places.”
Callie snorted. “You’d never know it by looking at her bedroom.”
Cristina ignored her. “They don’t have four star hotels in Kandahar?”
Arizona gave her roommate a weird look. “That’s in Afghanistan. We were in Iraq.”
“Whatever,” Cristina shot back flippantly. “Give me a hot, muscular, shirtless man on my table and I’ll cut his heart open in the back of a dump truck for all I care.”
“You’d be surprised how intense it can be, Yang. Total culture shock my first week there,” Teddy said. “It’s not your grandmother’s OR. Sand, dirt, wind, thousand degree heat...”
“Plus you’re getting shot at and blown to pieces while trying to fix people,” Lexie said casually, only to realize her mistake a moment too late. “Oh!” A hand shot up to cover her mouth and she stared wide-eyed at Arizona. “I’m so sorry, that was totally insensitive of me.”
Callie stiffened next to Arizona’s legs but otherwise kept her eyes on the screen, listening closely to the exchange.
Arizona didn’t seem fazed. “It’s okay, really. I’m not that fragile.”
Lexie smiled sheepishly, even as her eyes automatically dropped down to Arizona’s legs. “Do you still...I mean, does it still hurt?”
“No, getting your leg blown to pieces feels like rainbows and sunshine,” Cristina quipped. “Do you ask all of your patients that, Little Grey? ‘Does it hurt?’” She mockingly dropped her voice an octave.
Lexie blushed and glared at her. “No,” she said hotly, looking at her sister for defense, but Meredith just grinned and stuffed more popcorn into her mouth.
“It still hurts,” Arizona answered. She could feel Callie getting agitated by her feet, her overprotective instincts no doubt kicking in. “But luckily my surgeon is awesome and I stand a good chance of walking again.” She shot Callie a playful wink when the woman glanced up at her.
“I still can’t believe she pulled an Izzie,” Cristina said loudly. “Way to go, Torres.”
“Shut it, Yang,” Callie barked, her invisible hackles rising.
“Izzie?” Arizona asked for clarification.
“She fell for a patient, cut his LVAD wire, got cancer, married Alex and left town,” Meredith supplied.
“And before that she cheated with Callie’s ex-husband.” Cristina again, of course. Apparently she liked playing with fire when she was drunk, because judging by the look on Callie’s face, she was about to get murdered in more than just their video game.
Arizona rested a hand on the back of Callie’s neck and subtly stroked her fingers through soft hair. “Right, that Izzie.” She frowned, thinking back to Callie’s first date explanation of how Seattle Grace worked like an episode of General Hospital. “Wait, didn’t he die? The guy whose LVAD got cut? How did she marry him if he died?”
“No, that was Denny,” Meredith corrected. “Izzie’s brain tumour made her sleep with his ghost but then she got together with Alex. He’s an ass but a pretty good guy. I think he’s sleeping with Alyssa and Demi from the ER interns now.”
By this point Arizona just looked confused as she tried to sort out who was who and what some guy’s ghost had to do with anything. It was beginning to give her a headache.
Teddy wore a similar expression. “I know that place is a gossip mill, but is it always so...dramatic?”
“Work there long enough and you’re likely to get either pregnant, divorced, stalked, hit by a car, appendicitis or dead,” Meredith replied. “And the first two options have a fifty-percent chance of happening with Mark Sloan.”
Lexie sulked at the mention of her missing boyfriend and took another long, drawn-out drink.
“I think I prefer getting blown up,” Arizona chuckled. “It sounds less complicated.”
Lexie scrunched her forehead. “That must’ve been awful. What was it like?”
“I think you pretty much summed it up with ‘awful’,” Teddy said pointedly, shooting Arizona a careful look.
“New game, anyone?” Callie said loudly, an edge of annoyance in her voice. She was fuming on the inside. These idiots wouldn’t leave her girlfriend alone with the twenty questions and it was starting to get to her. She had specifically told them not to grill Arizona or she would personally make sure they all spent the next month in the Pit training interns.
Arizona appreciated Callie’s bodyguard tendencies but she was relieved to find that she was doing okay on her own. Maybe it was because they were all surgeons that she didn’t mind talking about her injury. She chalked it up to their professional curiosity, knowing that residents in North America didn’t exactly see a lot of explosive wounds, especially when it came to modern warfare weaponry.
“It’s okay, Callie,” Arizona said reassuringly, giving the brunette’s shoulder a light squeeze before looking at Lexie. “I don’t remember a whole lot in detail, to be honest. Just bits and pieces from the first few days, and snippets of information that other people have told me. I haven’t seen pictures of the initial aftermath yet but I’ve heard it was pretty gruesome.”
“I’m not sure that you want to,” Teddy said quietly, her expression darkening. She remembered that day all too well.
Arizona glanced at her and smiled. “Altman saved my life. I would’ve been long gone by the time outside help arrived if she hadn’t done damage control. While the tent was on fire, might I add. She’s a badass.” Teddy rolled her eyes and Arizona shoulder-bumped her playfully.
“You were there?” Lexie asked. “What do you even do in a situation like that?”
“Try not to panic,” Teddy replied. “When your best friend and everyone around you is hurt, it’s surprisingly easy to focus. Arizona’s the trauma surgeon, though. I usually focus on abdominal injuries when we get multiple incoming. It was pretty crazy. I didn’t even hear if she had lived or not until two full days later.” She shook her head at the horrible memories and took a long, drawn-out drink.
Callie was torn between barking at the others to stuff a sock in it and wanting to hear more on the subject. This was the most she had ever heard from Arizona about that day or about her experiences in Iraq beyond their general discussion the other night.
Arizona could tell that the conversation was starting to wear on Teddy, however; a subtle tension in her posture noticeable to anyone that knew her well. She was also guzzling down another full beer, a sure sign of distress, so Arizona jumped at the chance to move the conversation along.
“Anyway, that’s in the past,” she said. “I think we’re both pretty happy being back in a city that rains. I’m jealous that you’ve had the chance to work with some of the new laparoscopic arms Callie’s been telling me about. I would kill to try those puppies out.”
“We definitely didn’t have any of those in our tent,” Teddy agreed, setting aside her empty bottle and exchanging it for a new one.
Cristina haphazardly tossed the controller at her boss and reached for more pizza. “I think I’ll stick with a real hospital. Besides, trauma surgeons are all meatballers; cardiovascular work takes real talent and I’d have no one to learn from out there.” Callie shot her a sharp look which she promptly ignored. “You don’t do piggyback transplants in a sandbox.”
“Meatballers?” Arizona echoed, cocking a challenging eyebrow.
“Just saying,” Cristina mumbled, avoiding eye contact and watching the television. “Trauma surgeons like to slap things together. Everyone knows that.”
Arizona smirked, sharing a knowing look with Teddy. “Have you ever pulled a piece of shrapnel the size of your fingernail out from the inside of the pulmonary artery? Without severing it?”
Cristina frowned.
“Or have you ever seen someone that’s stepped on a landmine and umbrellaed both of their legs? You have thirty seconds to clamp the bleeding before they’re dead, if that.” Teddy cracked open another beer and kicked her feet up on the table next to Arizona’s. “Sometimes you have three or four soldiers with the same injuries and only two surgeons on hand to get to them before they hit the triangle of death.”
“I once removed three ribs and a lung from a guy that was inside of a vehicle when it hit an IED. He survived,” Arizona added. “I’m not saying he was super happy about it when he woke up, but he lived and went home to his family. If you have a ‘prettier’ way of doing those things, we’d love to hear it.”
Cristina slowly shifted her dumbfounded gaze from Meredith to Lexie and then over to Callie, who was smirking, before finally landing back on Arizona. “Uh. No,” she said quietly, trying to hide her disappointment. “But that’s not to say that I couldn’t kick ass if I was given the opportunity. I’d make those surgeries my bitch.”
“Maybe someday, Yang,” Teddy said with a laugh.
“Try doing it all in one-hundred-twenty degree heat with a fleet of helicopters flying overhead, while inside of a tent that smells like armpits and with sand falling out of crevices that you shouldn’t have sand in,” Arizona added. She heard Teddy snort beside her as she tipped her beer in agreement. “Do all of those things and do them better, and then you can call us meatballers.”
Teddy and Arizona clinked glasses.
Lexie looked giddy at someone showing up Cristina. She still harboured resentment over being her intern last year. “I can’t figure out if those surgeries sound amazing or terrifying.”
“Amazing,” Cristina said without hesitation. “Except for the armpit tent. Give me a climate-controlled OR any day.”
Arizona shook her head and polished off the remainder of her wine. “Wuss.” That gained some laughter from the others.
Callie looked up at her girlfriend with a sly grin. Hearing her verbally spar with Cristina and successfully put the younger resident in her place filled her with a sense of pride. Not many people could do that so easily. Arizona caught her spying and returned the smile, a playful sparkle in her eyes. Callie handed over the controller, letting Arizona have a turn and giving herself a chance to relax. “Here. Let’s see your moves.”
“C’mon, sailors,” Cristina jeered as Teddy and Arizona started a new game session. “If you can drive a tank, you can drive a virtual car.”
“Drive a tank?” Arizona burst out laughing. “What the heck do you think they let us do over there?”
“Submarine, whatever you navy folk do.”
“Gee, I must’ve skipped that day,” Teddy mused. She jumped right into the action, stealing a car and taking off with squealing tires. “C’mon, Robbins. First one to the edge of the city map gets to watch the other polish off that bottle of whisky.”
“This isn’t gonna end well,” Arizona grumbled to herself as she hammered on the acceleration button and accidentally drove into a lake.
***
The next hour went by in a flurry of video games, more pizza, and an endless supply of beer and wine being passed around. Cristina was also mixing shooters of something that would undoubtedly have the others hugging porcelain the next morning, but Arizona had made a point to stop drinking after her third - or was it fourth? - glass of wine. She had a good enough buzz going that she didn’t feel the need to make it worse, especially since it had been a very long time since she had consumed this much alcohol in one sitting.
The residents were another story. She made a note to call them a cab at the end of the night, and maybe try to convince the Greys to take Cristina home with them.
Cristina and Callie argued about what game to switch Halo 3 out for, during which time Teddy struggled to stand up from the couch, climbing over several sets of legs before staggering down the back hall to use the facilities. Arizona followed her with her eyes, worry lines creasing her forehead until more weight flopped down to her right.
Callie was half grinning, half frowning at her, somehow making the two activities possible at once. “Everything okay? Are you having fun?”
Arizona nodded, pretending it wasn’t the fourth time that Callie had asked her that evening. “Yes, actually, I’m having a blast.” She peered down the back hall briefly. “I think Teddy’s kind of bummed, though. She’s had a rough week and dragging up the past was probably a bad idea on my part.”
Callie’s frown deepened and she played with a lock of Arizona’s hair around her finger. “Is everything okay?” she repeated, her eyes slightly fuzzy as she tried harder to focus. “Bad work stuff?”
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Arizona said with a quick nod, keeping her voice low. The others had split in different directions for a bathroom break, leaving them alone for at least thirty seconds, but she still didn’t want to be overheard.
“She heard from some military friends a few days ago and sometimes it’s hard to relive the stuff we went through. But she’ll be fine. That’s why I brought her along tonight, I thought she could use a pick-me-up.”
Callie reached over and plucked away the pretzel her girlfriend was just about to munch on. “You’re a good friend,” she stated, leaning in to replace the pretzel with her lips.
Arizona sighed happily, spending a moment gazing into Callie’s beautiful brown eyes when they parted. She didn’t need two litres of wine coursing through her system to feel lightheaded. “And you’re an even better girlfriend,” she replied earnestly. She really didn’t know what she had done to deserve someone so patient and kind, but she would be forever grateful for the chance to feel happy again.
With her gentle smile slowly morphing into something more mischievous, Callie was just starting to scoot her body closer to Arizona when a solid form suddenly plunked down between them, effectively wedging them apart.
“Cristina!” Callie snapped, steaming practically pouring out of her ears as she was forced to the side.
Cristina ignored the fact that she had just sat on them both and blindly handed Callie a controller, stealing the pretzel her roommate had taken from Arizona and shoving it into her mouth. “Game on, Torres. We’re gonna double team this loser online once and for all.”
Callie was still glowering at her vagina-blocking roommate and snatched the controller up in a huff. “Fine. But I swear to god, Yang, if you get me killed again, I will assassinate you myself.”
“I don’t think you’re supposed to tell the person you’re assassinating that you’re assassinating them,” Arizona pointed out helpfully, sipping some water with a slight pout on her lips. “Technically it’s not an assassination if they see it coming.”
Callie shot a side glance at her girlfriend. “Close your mouth and drink more wine. You haven’t gotten to the dancing-on-tables stage of being drunk yet and I want to see that.”
Arizona cocked an eyebrow. “I’ve never been drunk enough to dance on tables.”
“You will be,” Cristina stated as she loaded their last Call of Duty 4 game session.
“Hello, bum leg, remember?” Arizona added. “The best I could manage is an incredibly awkward faceplant.”
Meredith and Lexie came back into the room at that point and collapsed at the foot of the couch, officially making it a little too crowded for Arizona’s taste. She handed off her spot to Lexie and struggled to her feet, grabbing the forearm crutch leaning up against the table.
Once in the kitchen, she took a moment to tidy a few things up, putting excess wrappers and napkins in the garbage and gathering the empty pizza boxes for recycling. The few dishes that couldn’t go into their dishwasher were loaded into the sink that she filled halfway with soapy water. Her eyes occasionally flickered towards Callie, who looked like she was having a ball. One of Arizona’s favourite things to do these days was to watch Callie when she wasn’t paying attention; she was so radiant and beautiful that it took Arizona’s breath away. She had never been with someone that was so open and free-spirited before. It was refreshing. And Callie had a killer smile to boot.
“You really are OCD, aren’t you?” Teddy announced as she appeared in the kitchen, wearing a cheeky grin as she grabbed a clean towel and started to dry the items Arizona had washed. “You and your mom are the same person some days.”
Arizona grimaced. “I’ll remember you said that,” she shot back.
They spent a moment in silence watching the others bicker over what level to play, during which time Teddy marveled at how enthralled Arizona seemed with Callie. When her friend wasn’t looking at the brunette, she was biting back a smile and staring much too hard into the bubbly water to be thinking about dishes.
“You have the willpower of an ox, Robbins,” Teddy chuckled, shaking her head in disbelief.
Arizona quickly looked up, perplexed. “Huh?”
Teddy nodded at Callie without taking her eyes away from Arizona. “I’m just saying, if it were me and I looked at some guy the way you look at Torres...I’d have hit that by now.” She figured there was no point in sugar coating it.
Arizona immediately blushed and flicked some soapy dish water at Teddy’s face. “Really? You sound like one of the those apes we used to work with. There are things in life other than sex, Theodora.”
Teddy cringed at the use of her full name. “Whatever. I still think you’re a Saint or a secret nun or something.” She was only teasing, well aware of her best friend’s hesitancies when it came to intimacy, but there was no doubt in her mind that they would be short lived. Arizona had never exactly been shy when it came to sharing stories about her conquests pre-injury, and Callie was so much more than that.
“So, are you having a good night?” Arizona said quickly, taking a leaf from Callie’s booklet in a desperate attempt to change the subject. When she received silence in return, she shot a worried look at Teddy, noting the unfocused look in her eyes. “Teddy?”
“Hm?” Teddy blinked and looked back. “What? Oh, yeah, sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “Yeah, tonight’s great. Thank you for inviting me.”
Arizona nodded, keeping her expression carefully neutral. “I’m glad you came, this is fun. And, y’know, I figured you could use some after you talked to Owen, so...”
Teddy set aside a dry wine glass and took the clean beer mug passed her way, rubbing it with the towel. “Very sneaky. I see how you did that.”
Arizona made a face and momentarily set the wash cloth down. “C’mon, I’m just curious. You’ve been getting these far off ‘looks’ ever since he called and I want to know if I’m gonna have to fly back over there and beat him with a cane. Or a crutch. Or the butt-end of an M4. Whatever’s handy.”
Teddy snickered and rolled her eyes. “Oh, you know how it goes. I worry about him, he tells me about everything going on, I worry some more. He seemed okay. Didn’t really say much about his plans after his tour is up.”
“Just as long as that ship has sailed,” Arizona said lightly. “Somewhere far, far away from here. Because if it comes anywhere near you or Seattle, I will go after him with my cannons a-blazin’.”
Teddy just looked amused. “And here I thought you two got along famously.”
“Oh, Owen’s great,” Arizona said perkily, returning her eyes to the shrinking pile of dishes. “But if he makes you cry one more time, he’s a dead man.”
In the living room, someone cranked up the volume on the television, suddenly amplifying the sounds of gunfire and shouting. Arizona and Teddy both looked up, startled, the irony of the timing not lost on either of them.
“And just when you thought you’d never hear that again,” Teddy said humorlessly. Her eyes dropped to the sink, detecting just the hint of a shake in Arizona’s hands. “You okay?”
“Peachy,” Arizona said with a quick smile. She was caught off-guard by the bombardment of noise. It was probably just the wine going to her head, but the familiar sounds made her uncomfortable, even if it was just a video game. Talking about their past was one thing, but Arizona wasn’t exactly keen on reliving it.
Teddy decided to continue as a distraction for them both and raised her voice enough so Arizona could still hear her. “He was discussing a trip to Vegas with his unit once they get discharged,” she continued. “He asked if I could convince you and some of the Marines to tag along.”
“Vegas isn’t really my thing,” Arizona admitted, not really wanting to discuss her other reasons for declining the invitation. The idea of seeing people from that part of her life again made her fidgety; she wasn’t anywhere near ready for that. Right now she was quite content with civilian life, even if it was starting to get a little boring during the day while her girlfriend was at work.
“Nick will probably be there,” Teddy prodded.
Arizona paused mid-wash, the glass in her hand still covered with a layer of soap. “That’s good. I’m sure he could use the break, too.”
Teddy pursed her lips and studied her friend closely. “Are you ever gonna call him? I know he wants to see you. He was going to fly to Seattle during his last leave, but you were having surgery again and I told him it wasn’t a good idea.”
“Yeah, of course I’m going to,” Arizona said in a rush. “Just not yet. Not until...” She hesitated, fumbling for an excuse. Until what? Until she stopped freaking out at loud noises and dreaming about the boy who killed himself in front of her? For all she knew, this was as good as she was ever going to get, mentally and physically. While she couldn’t imagine never seeing Nick again, she also couldn’t stand the thought of seeing pity in his eyes when he looked at her. It was bad enough after Tim had died, but at least back then they had both been suffering. She didn’t want him to see what a disaster she was now.
Aware that she had been silent just a little bit longer than was necessary, Arizona cleared her throat and continued washing. “I will, okay? Once everything here calms down.”
Teddy didn’t point out that Arizona’s life couldn’t be more calm at the moment. She knew the other woman’s desire to keep her two lives separate made sense on paper; she just didn’t understand why she was including her childhood best friend on that list.
“He’ll be home for good in a couple of months,” Teddy added after a brief silence passed. “I’m sure he’d be more than willing to visit Seattle. You know Army boys; they like the rain.”
Arizona closed her eyes as noise from the television rose again, making it even harder to collect her thoughts. Once upon a time it would have rolled off of her shoulders and been a non-issue, but with thoughts of Nick and Owen and the day she nearly lost her leg floating through her mind, sounds of gunfire and explosions were making her bristle. Leave it to her stupid brain to turn what had been a good night thus far into another bout of stomach-twisting nausea at the drop of a hat.
Or maybe that was just the mixture of wine and shooters she had been guzzling down. That was a much less pathetic excuse.
“Arizona?”
She opened her eyes and blinked at Teddy, producing a tight smile before glancing over at the television. She didn’t know who was playing, but it was close-quarters combat and the split-screen characters were charging in and out of houses along a narrow street. Someone rounded a corner and the face of an opposing player filled their screen. The person sitting on their couch pulled the trigger and blew a hole in their head. To Arizona’s dismay, it was Callie who raised her arms and let out a whoop of triumph.
She pictured it being Jimmy Bensmiller again; the young private who chose to end his life after being forced to shoot two Iraqi children in self-defense. Not for the first time, she wondered how his mother was holding up. Arizona had always liked his family. She wished she had been able to attend his funeral, but at the time it was too much of a reminder of Tim.
Suddenly feeling dizzy on her feet, Arizona dropped the final glass she was washing into the sink and fumbled for her crutch. “I have to pee,” she told Teddy, avoiding eye contact as she stumbled around her, feeling increasingly nauseous.
It registered on Teddy’s face, that look of concerned sympathy - the exact one that Arizona didn’t want to see on Nick or anyone else she knew from her past life. It wasn’t really their fault; if roles were reversed, Arizona knew she probably would have felt the same. She was just really sick and tired of people feeling sorry for her.
Once inside the bathroom, she shut the door and stumbled to the floor. The crutch clattered down beside her and Arizona pulled the toilet seat up, squeezing her eyes shut.
The last time she had thrown up when alcohol was involved, she had probably been in her early twenties. It usually took a lot more than this to make her feel sick. Considering that the others had consumed more than twice what she had, it made her feel kind of pathetic.
At least it wasn’t another panic attack, though. That was a bonus. She was fairly certain she wouldn’t have felt this bad had she been sober. But the booze, combined with the sudden and unexpected reality check - for lack of a better explanation - made her sick to her stomach. It took a lot of willpower not to throw up everything she had consumed right then and there.
The initial wave of nausea passed, allowing Arizona to sit back and breathe deeply. A dull ache in her knee was starting to rise up, brought on by kneeling on the cold tile, but at least it provided a distraction. She didn’t feel like reliving her dinner of pizza, popcorn and pretzels all over again. Once was more than enough.
When she was sure she wouldn’t start spewing in all directions, Arizona scooted back against the edge of the tub. She stretched her bad leg out in front of her and pulled the other knee up to rest her forehead against it, taking in deep gulps of air.
She tried not to think about the things she had seen over the last three years. They haunted her in her sleep often enough that she didn’t feel like dwelling on them in her waking hours, too. When the nightmares were really bad, she didn’t remember them, but there were other times when incidents from the past would creep up and catch her by surprise, and she could picture them clearly without trying.
Triggering them with small talk about army friends and video games seemed all too bizarre to her. People died over there under horrific circumstances that you just wouldn’t see in an emergency room in the middle of Seattle. She couldn’t stop picturing the look on the young private’s face before he took his life in front of her. He shouldn’t have died; she could have taken his pistol when she got to him and prevented it from happening. He was way too young.
They always were.
Not for the first time, Arizona wondered what her brother must have looked like after his vehicle drove over an IED and he bled out on the side of the road. She wondered if he still had his legs when he died. No one had told her and she had never asked for the details.
The nausea returned full force and Arizona barely managed to scramble forward in time. She retched into the toilet, by some miracle not emptying the entire contents of her stomach in one breath. Tears burned in her eyes as she held back the urge to do it again, knowing she wouldn’t be able to stop until the rest of the booze came back up.
***
The commotion going on around her kept Callie preoccupied and it wasn’t until she felt a hand on her shoulder that she looked up from the television.
Teddy stood behind the couch looking anxious. “Torres, you might want to check on her.”
“Hm?” Callie looked confused, and only after she glimpsed her surroundings did she notice that Arizona was missing. Immediately concerned, she handed her controller off to Meredith and leapt over the back of the couch.
“She’s in the bathroom,” Teddy said lightly, casting a wary look at the television.
“Crap,” Callie sighed, figuring that Arizona was probably tossing her cookies. Padding down the back hall, away from the noise, she leaned in and pressed her ear to the door. When there was no sound, she knocked. “Arizona?” Still nothing. “Are you okay in there?”
Becoming worried at the lack of a response, Callie put her hand on the doorknob when a loud, explosive noise burst out from the TV. She had just turned her head and shouted at the others to turn it down when an icy cold realization flooded through her.
Fuck.
“Arizona, I’m coming in,” she announced, keeping her voice relatively low so as to not alert the others. She twisted the knob and stepped inside, her heart immediately plummeting at what she saw.
Arizona was sitting back against the tub again, resting her forehead on her left knee, and she looked almost as shaky and pale as Callie had seen her that day at the pier.
Callie immediately closed the door behind her and rushed to kneel at her girlfriend’s side, relieved when the blonde raised her head and acknowledged her with a weak smile. It meant that she hadn’t shut down completely.
“Are you okay?” Callie murmured quietly, afraid to ask. She reached out and brushed a few strands of damp hair away from Arizona’s forehead, tucking them behind her ear before tracing a thumb along her temple.
Arizona managed to look sheepish as the corner of her mouth twitched up in a weak smile. “Yeah. I think I drank too much,” she replied in a shaky voice. “I’m okay.”
Callie swallowed thickly and glanced behind her at the door, then back at her girlfriend. “I am so sorry, baby, I-I should have known not to...I should’ve known better. It’s my fault, I didn’t think-”
“Don’t be silly,” Arizona chastised, her voice still hoarse. “It’s just a game. It doesn’t mean anything.”
Callie didn’t buy it for a second. “I should have used my brain before suggesting that we play it. I was stupid and didn’t think of you or Teddy.” She wanted to kick herself in the face right now, she was so furious. After all they had been through in the last few months, it should have been obvious that a violent war game wasn’t the best choice for entertainment. She was such an asshole.
“It’s just a video game,” Arizona repeated, licking her lips. “I shouldn’t be such a mental case about it.”
“You aren’t,” Callie said heatedly, taking Arizona’s hands in her own and squeezing them firmly. “I can’t imagine the kinds of horrible memories it must drag up. I’m so sorry.” She felt nauseous too, though it had everything to do with the guilt churning in her gut and not the drinks she had consumed. It was surprising how utterly stone-cold sober she felt right now.
Arizona was still quivering and for a moment she closed her eyes, worried that she would ruin the illusion of her iron will and upchuck in front of Callie. Not only was she mortified that the brunette got to see her in yet another vulnerable state, but she didn’t think she could handle puking in front of her this soon into their relationship. There was a line and she really didn’t want to cross it.
“I swear I’m usually more normal than this,” Arizona said with a flat attempt at being funny. “There were way less freak outs and panic attacks a year ago. I could even watch a whole movie without falling asleep on top of you. You’d have been impressed.”
Callie chuckled despite the sorrow she felt, seeing the woman she cared for looking so defeated. She slid in beside Arizona and pulled her close, glad when the woman willingly curled up against her side instead of fighting it. “Can I do something? Anything?” she asked, feeling utterly helpless. If she was responsible for throwing her partner back into the depths of her dark headspace, she would never forgive herself. Things had just finally started to look up again.
“I’m okay,” Arizona repeated, closing her eyes. “Still a bit nauseous. It’s really not your fault, I just haven’t drank this much since I got hurt. Back in the day I could drink any Marine under the table, so go figure.”
Callie pursed her lips but remained silent, squeezing Arizona’s shoulders and gently rubbing a hand up and down her arm. She understood Arizona’s desperate attempts to claim that it was just the booze, but she knew it went beyond that. She recognized the haunted look in those blue eyes all too well by now. She only wished that she had clued in sooner, before the noise and the violence had sent her girlfriend scrambling for cover.
“I don’t know if I can keep doing this,” Arizona said quietly, breaking the silence. Callie felt a cold shot of fear rush through her, wondering in what capacity the statement was meant.
“It’s exhausting,” Arizona continued, swallowing hard and nuzzling her cheek into Callie’s shoulder. “I just want to go back to how I was before.”
“You’ll get there,” Callie said reassuringly. “It’ll take time, but you will. Or you’ll get to a place where things don’t hurt so much anymore.”
“I wish I knew for sure.”
Arizona’s voice was so sad and defeated that it broke Callie’s heart. Callie wanted to tell her that in some capacity she knew it was true; that the pain and heartbreak of a traumatic event could heal over time. But sharing her own past experiences risked turning it into a conversation about herself, which wasn’t what she wanted right now, so she kept quiet.
“It’ll get better,” Callie said instead. “And you don’t have to do it alone. I’m going to keep reminding you of that.”
Arizona fell silent and allowed herself to relax into her girlfriend’s side. Eventually the shaking stopped and her temperature returned to a more comfortable state, though it left her feeling cold and clammy.
When enough time had passed and she was sure she wouldn’t throw up a third time, Arizona finally lifted her head and looked awkwardly away from Callie’s questioning gaze. “I’m kind of mortified at how bad my breath is right now,” she said sheepishly.
That made Callie smile. “I don’t care,” she replied, leaning closer.
Arizona lifted a hand and pushed her fingers into Callie’s lips, politely steering her head in the other direction. “No, seriously, Calliope. It’s bad on a whole new scale of the word. I really need to wash up.”
Easing forward from the tub, Callie helped Arizona to her feet, thankful that their combined lack of balance didn’t send them both tumbling back into the shower. She helped her walk the few steps over to the sink, keeping an arm wrapped around her waist for balance as Arizona brushed her teeth and gargled some mouthwash. Callie could tell that she was trying really hard to act coordinated, but every once in awhile Arizona’s hand would slip and nearly send the toothbrush up her nose.
It served to make them both laugh, even though the action was much more diluted than it would have been without the preceding heavy conversation. Even so, Callie could see just how utterly exhausted Arizona was. She felt guilty for being part of that reason. She still couldn’t believe her utter stupidity for playing a violent game that glorified war in the presence of two people that had lived through it. The Catholic part of her was screaming for some sort of self-flagellation in return. She deserved that and more as far as she was concerned.
Once Arizona was washed up, Callie situated her on the crutch and nodded at the door. “C’mon. You can change in my room while I get rid of the others. It’ll only take me a minute.”
Arizona immediately shook her head, regretting it as the action made her dizzy. “No, really, I’ll be fine. You have fun with your friends; I’m not going to ruin your night, too.”
“You are not ruining my night,” Callie argued. “I’m totally content to just curl up in bed and pass out. I’ve got a bottle of aspirin in the nightstand for tomorrow and I’ll make sure I grab a pitcher of water to go along with it.”
Callie’s natural assumption of their shared accommodation made Arizona smile, but it also made her feel even guiltier for what she was about to say. “Actually, um, I think I’m just going to...I-I’m gonna sleep in my room tonight,” she said slowly.
Callie furrowed her brow and looked taken back. “Oh, okay. Yeah, o-of course, that makes sense.”
“It’s not you,” Arizona said in a hurry. “Really, it’s just...I’m not feeling great and after everything, I think I just need to clear my head.” The disappointment on her girlfriend’s face made her feel even guiltier. She reached out to tug affectionately on the front of Callie’s shirt. “Are you mad?”
Callie’s expression immediately softened, not wanting Arizona to get the wrong idea. “No,” she said firmly, pulling the blonde into her arms and pressing a soft kiss to her temple. “Of course I’m not mad. I just need to know that you’ll be okay.”
“More than okay,” Arizona replied, even if ‘more than’ was probably overstating it. She would be fine, she just needed to be alone in her room to get her head on straight again without worrying about whether Callie was worrying or not. She didn’t have the energy to put on a brave face.
“Go play with your friends.” Arizona pulled away from the embrace and allowed herself to capture her girlfriend’s lips in a brief kiss now that her teeth were brushed and her mouth sanitized. “I’ll see you and that bottle of aspirin in the morning. Or possibly tomorrow afternoon, depending on how things go.”
“I think you drank enough water to flood the Sahara; you’ll be okay,” Callie chuckled, rubbing both hands up and down Arizona’s arms. “If you need anything, just holler or bang a crutch on the wall. Or call my cellphone if you don’t want to get up. I’ll leave it on my nightstand.” She was notorious for passing out cold and needing a giant earthquake to wake her up when she drank, and she worried about not hearing Arizona’s distress call if one was made. Tonight she had kept herself relatively in check, though, so hopefully she would be okay.
Knowing more reassurances wouldn’t serve to actually reassure, Arizona just nodded in confirmation. “Okay.”
“Can I help you to your room?” Callie asked tentatively.
“Actually, I’m going to take a minute in here. You go ahead.” Arizona saw another frown forming on her girlfriend’s face and quirked a tiny grin. “I have to pee.”
“Oh.” Callie blushed and looked sheepish. “Right, sorry. I’ll leave you to it.” She pulled open the bathroom door again but hesitated in actually leaving. “I really am sorry, Arizona. About everything.”
“I’m going to start throwing things the next time ‘I’m sorry’ comes out of your mouth,” Arizona teased. “I had a great night, Calliope. Thank you.”
Callie managed to smile. “Goodnight.”
Arizona returned it. “Night.”
The door swung closed behind Callie and the expression immediately fell from Arizona’s face. She sagged forward against the sink and let out a long breath that she felt like she had been holding throughout the entire conversation. Turning the water on again, she waited until it got cold before splashing a few handfuls onto her face. The frigid temperature helped clear her mind a little bit but not as much as she was hoping for. She decided to shower before retreating to her room; she couldn’t stand falling asleep all sweaty and gross.
No part of her blamed Callie for her own drastic change in mood; Arizona just couldn’t handle ruining yet another one of their plans because her mind and her body wouldn’t cooperate. With something as simple as a video game, it seemed too absurd that it would drag up all of the things she had spent the last few days trying to squash down again. She made a pact not to drink again until her issues were squared away, because she would lose her mind if this didn’t stop happening to her every time she tried to be happy.
Arizona stood up straight and grabbed a clean towel from the rack next to the sink, dabbing the water off of her face before staring hard into the mirror. Her eyes looked sunken and there were dark ovals beneath them. If it were even possible, she looked paler than she normally did. Arizona argued with herself that it could be attractive - ’y’know, if Callie were into that whole ‘Corpse Bride’ look,’ she thought to herself.
The angle between the mirror and the door was such that, from where she was standing, she didn’t see that it had been left open a crack. Callie stood at arm’s length on the other side, peering through the small space and seeing the heavy look in her girlfriend’s reflection. She was at a total loss and didn’t know what to do, because Arizona clearly didn’t want her help tonight, but it made her sick to her stomach thinking about leaving her alone again. What if this incident made her have another nightmare?
But she had fucked up enough for one night; she wasn’t about to blow this newly developed trust between her and Arizona just because she didn’t know when to stop hovering. Sooner or later she would drive the blonde crazy and she knew it. That didn’t mean she had to like learning when to walk away, though. It was too hard.
“Torres?”
It was Teddy’s voice from the end of the hall that dragged Callie from her thoughts. Not wanting Arizona to know that she was spying in case she walked out, she hurriedly stepped away and headed towards the main room. She could see the concern in Teddy’s eyes and tried to alleviate it with a forced smile.
“She’s okay; she’s just washing up and then going to bed.” Callie paused next to Teddy and glanced in the direction of the three residents on her couch. “I’m going to give them ten minutes so they don’t think it was Arizona’s fault, then I’m telling them to clear out.”
“Not a bad idea,” Teddy replied. “I can stick around long enough to help clean up if you want.”
“Nah, I’m just going to leave it for tomorrow,” Callie said with a deep sigh. “Too tired. We should probably call a cab for these punks, though.”
“That I can do.” Teddy pulled out her cellphone and stepped away to make the call.
When she heard the shower start up in the bathroom, Callie forced herself into the kitchen and started putting away whatever food was left out in the open; anything she could do to keep from running back in there and demolishing the trust Arizona had only just started building in her.
***
By the time Callie collapsed into bed forty-five minutes later, she was completely knackered. Arizona’s door was closed and her light was off when she checked, and despite the urge to peer inside and make sure she was sleeping soundly, Callie left her alone. She would just have to trust that Arizona would tell her the next day if something was still wrong. She liked to think they had come that far together.
That thought didn’t help Callie fall asleep, however. She alternated between lying on her back and sprawling flat on her stomach, desperate to find some sort of comfortable position that would let her rest until morning. Her overactive imagination refused to let that happen.
She could only hope that Arizona was already out cold across the hall and that no more nightmarish visions were haunting her mind.
Ironically, that night it was Callie who awoke with a start.
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