Scar Tissue (Part Two) -- Chapter 21
.
Scar Tissue (Part Two)
Chapter 21
Authors: kennedysbitch & livelovelearneg
Beta'd by englishstrawbie
Rating: NC-17 [Depictions of violence, PTSD, Language, Sexual Content]
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer
Scar Tissue [masterpost]
Summary: When Arizona Robbins’ brother dies in Iraq, her life takes off in a completely different direction. Now a highly-rated trauma surgeon with the United States Marine Corps, she spends the three years following his death serving their country overseas - until an insurgent attack leaves her with debilitating injuries. Traveling to Seattle at her father’s request, she falls under the care of orthopedic surgeon Dr. Calliope Torres. Damaged emotionally and physically, Arizona tries to start the healing process with the help of a headstrong woman she never saw coming.
Part Two: Now free from the confines of a hospital bed for the first time
in almost five months, Arizona begins her physical and emotional recovery while
navigating a budding yet rocky relationship with Callie Torres.
Warnings: Depictions of violence, PTSD, Language, Sexual Content
Trailer:
---
Callie knew she was going to make a run for it before they even entered the apartment.
Sure enough, Arizona remained mute as she removed her shoes and hung up her jacket, each movement methodical and precise. She picked her way into the main room on her crutches and started towards the back hall without so much as a backward glance. She felt too unstable to do anything other than collapse into bed and release the tight hold she had been keeping on her emotions the entire trip home.
“Wait.”
Callie’s voice made her stop but she didn’t turn around.
“Arizona, please,” Callie said quietly. “You can’t pretend this isn’t happening. Not anymore. I need you to stop and sit down for a minute.”
Arizona swallowed hard, feeling her heartbeat increase with anxiety. Her first instinct was to ignore the request but this wasn’t just about her anymore. It was hard on Callie too, she knew it was; so as much as she wanted to be selfish and lock herself away, she couldn’t turn her back on one of the only people who had it these days. She felt sick as she turned around and met her girlfriend’s gaze, nodding tightly without saying a word.
She didn’t want to do this.
Callie took a step closer and gently guided Arizona over to the couch before she could bolt, setting the crutches aside and helping her sit down. She took a seat next to her and twisted her upper body around so they were face to face - or face to side profile, as it were; Arizona still wouldn’t look at her.
Arizona felt the heat rise in her cheeks as Callie’s eyes bore into the side of her head. She stayed as still a statue, staring hard at the coffee table and keeping her mind blank so that she didn’t have to relive what had just happened.
“Hey.” Callie slowly reached out to run a hand along Arizona’s back, ignoring the way she stiffened in response. “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now. You must be exhausted.”
“Among other things,” Arizona said, her voice strained as she spoke for the first time since leaving the wharf. She sounded hoarse and had to clear her throat to make herself heard. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
Callie furrowed her brow. “You have nothing to be sorry for. What happened wasn’t your fault.”
Arizona let out a harsh laugh and closed her eyes. She wrapped her arms tightly around her midsection as though trying to hold herself together. “Wasn’t it? Somebody knocked over a giant box and I lost my mind. It was pathetic.”
Callie’s heart ached at the self-hatred in Arizona’s voice. She scooted closer and took her hand. “You went through something horrible six months ago and you’re still standing, regardless of what you think about yourself. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is complicated and it’s not something you can just get over. You’re a doctor, you know how it works.”
“It’s one thing to know about it as a professional and another to lose control of your own body every time you...” Arizona trailed off, for the first time looking directly at Callie. “I thought I was getting better. I thought if I could just forget…but I can’t. I don’t know if I ever will.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Callie said, reaching up to run her fingers through blonde curls.
“I mean it, Callie,” Arizona said firmly, emotion clicking behind her words for the first time. “You didn’t sign up for this. You had no way of knowing it would get this bad. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to cut and run before it gets any messier.”
“Stop it.” Callie took Arizona’s face in between her hands. “That is never going to happen, when are you going to get that through your head? I meant what I said when you moved in - no matter how bad it gets, I want to help you through it. I’m not going to bail just because you’re in pain.”
“Out of pity? Or obligation?” Arizona challenged. “I would hate myself forever if you felt like you had to stay just because you said you would. It’s one thing to be a little jumpy when we’re at home but the fact that I can’t even go out in public without embarrassing myself-”
“Arizona-”
“I know you said that you wanted to help me,” Arizona blurted out loudly, “and you have no idea how grateful I am for that, but I’m giving you an out.” Her voice cracked and she took a second to get it back. “You didn’t sign up for this, Calliope. I’m saying you can walk away right now and I won’t hold it against you.”
Callie pursed her lips, a flare of anger rising up in her chest. She dropped her hands from Arizona’s face but didn’t budge an inch on the couch. “No.”
Arizona started to argue but Callie quickly cut her off.
“No,” Callie repeated, glaring. “I am not staying out of pity or obligation or any of the other offensive reasons you think I’m here for. You can’t keep telling me to leave you. It’s not fair.”
Arizona released an exasperated sigh. “Callie-”
“I said no.” Callie cocked a severe eyebrow and crossed her arms defiantly. “Maybe I don’t understand what you’re going through and maybe I don’t know exactly how to help, but what I do know is that I’m not giving up, because I’m crazy about you, even if you’re stubborn and make me want to throttle you sometimes. I gave you your space and didn’t push, but I won’t let you lock yourself away and drown in it just because you refuse to let someone in. So no, Arizona, you can take your exit strategy and shove it because you’re stuck with me. Got it?”
Arizona was struck speechless. The fierceness behind Callie’s words surprised her. For the life of her she couldn’t understand why Callie would want to stay and deal with her growing mountain of baggage when it would be so much easier just to walk away.
Callie watched an array of emotions flicker across her girlfriend’s face and her rigid stance faded when she got no response. “There are ways to deal with what you’re experiencing,” she said gently. “People that can help you process what happened.”
Arizona let out a harsh laugh and stared at her lap. “No offense, but some yahoo sitting in an office with a clipboard has no idea what it’s like coming back from that - the things you see, the things you do. The things other people do to each other and the mess that’s left behind for you to clean up.” She dropped her forehead into her hands, rubbing her brow.
Callie sagged into the couch, keeping a hand on Arizona’s back. “Does the military not have psychologists on hand to help people deal with coming back? There’s been so much research lately about soldiers returning with PTSD...”
“They do, but they’re told not to ‘over-exaggerate’ the effects of it on service members.” Arizona turned her head and smiled ruefully at Callie. “You wouldn’t believe how little the US military cares about former soldiers once they’ve served their purpose. A diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder guarantees a lifetime of coverage and treatment, whereas an anxiety disorder can be pre-existing and not their problem. The less people know about it, the less they have to cash out.”
“That’s horrible,” Callie said disbelievingly.
“Tim went through it with some of his Marine buddies a few years ago. It was pretty bad.” Arizona took in a deep breath through her nose and exhaled through her mouth. “The disability pay system is already complicated enough. It’s like jumping through hoops of fire when you’ve only got one working leg to stand on. And believe it or not, I’m one of the lucky ones. Some of these guys come back with much less than I did and they’re expected to survive on their own.”
Callie took a moment to absorb the information, finding it hard to believe that the US government could so willingly discard those that had risked their lives for it. Up until now it had merely been something she had seen in the news or read in a passing article on the internet; living with someone who was a survivor and going through the process first-hand was opening her eyes in a huge way.
It made her angry. For Arizona and for the others who were suffering needlessly.
Arizona leaned back next to Callie, looking contemplative as well as exhausted. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I really did start to feel better after I moved in with you, but lately it’s just felt like things have been moving in the wrong direction. Not with us,” she clarified, “just me. Like I’m trying to walk forward but the ground is moving the other way and I can’t keep up. I don’t know why.”
Frowning, Callie brushed a stray hair away from Arizona’s face. She didn’t try to coax any answers out of her or pry for more information; she simply waited patiently for Arizona to gather her words and speak on her own time.
Arizona chewed on her bottom lip for a long moment before finally deciding to continue. “I’ve been having these dreams.” The words tasted heavy as they left her mouth. “Night terrors, flashbacks, whatever you want to call them. I’ve been having them a lot lately.”
Callie sat up, looking concerned.
Arizona swallowed thickly and stared at her hands some more. “Leaving Seattle Grace was the first time since I got hurt that I wasn’t on a truckload of medication or being woken up every two hours by a nurse on rounds. The dreams would get bad when I was in the motel, almost every night of the week, but at least when I woke up I knew it wasn’t real.”
“But not anymore?”
Arizona shook her head. “No. I mean, they’re not every night, and sometimes I actually sleep pretty good. But there’s been a few times where I open my eyes and it’s dark and it just feels…wrong.” She looked at Callie. “You know that feeling when you’re standing on a ledge and you just know you’re going to fall off if you so much as breathe? Or like someone is standing behind you, waiting to push you over? It’s kind of like that, only the details are muddled and I don’t know if I’m remembering something that actually happened or if it’s all mixing together in my brain. All I know is that I can’t breathe and my leg hurts and something bad feels like it’s about to happen.”
It killed Callie to know that she had missed this and that Arizona had been all alone, waking up in a panic. “You should’ve come get me. I would have been there for you in an instant.”
“I wasn’t gonna wake you up for that,” Arizona replied, smiling thankfully. “I’ve been having dreams about what happens over there ever since I came back. These bad ones come and go; sometimes I remember the content, sometimes I don’t. Either way, they’re just dreams. They won’t kill me.”
Callie pursed her lips. “It doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to deal with them on your own. I really wish you had told me sooner.”
Arizona lifted a hand to stroke Callie’s cheek, sighing. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this. I am trying.”
Callie took the hand and pressed a firm kiss to Arizona’s palm. “Is there anything we can do to prevent them? I can prescribe some sleep aids if you think it will help.”
Arizona shook her head. “No, I don’t want to add more drugs and side effects to my list of problems. Thank you, though.”
“There’s really nothing the military will do for you, is there?” Callie asked, absently stroking her other hand through Arizona’s hair.
“They shipped me a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star,” Arizona said with a smirk. “Which is basically a pat on the back and a ‘thanks for playing, see you never’.”
“You never told me that,” Callie objected, frowning at her again. “Arizona, that’s huge.”
“They give you the Purple Heart when you get injured or die,” Arizona said humorously. “So yay me, I got blown up and there’s a sticker for it. And the Bronze Star, it’s a joke. I don’t deserve it.”
“You saved lives by going into battle and treating people on the front lines,” Callie argued. “That’s not nothing. Stop underselling yourself.”
“I did my duty, which was to treat injured soldiers and insurgents. Tim went above and beyond every day and kept his unit safe during a deadly ambush before an IED killed him. He deserved the Bronze Star, not me.”
The crack in Arizona’s voice wasn’t lost on Callie. She didn’t want to upset her any more than she already was after such a rough afternoon, so she didn’t push the subject further. “Have they sent them to you yet? Isn’t there supposed to be some sort of ceremony?”
“They’re at my parents’ house,” Arizona sighed, sliding down a few inches on the couch and leaning sideways into Callie. Her cheek found its favourite nook just above the brunette’s collarbone and they fell into a contemplative silence.
“Damn it. I really wanted today to go smoothly.”
“It wasn’t all bad,” Callie said lightly, wrapping an arm around Arizona’s shoulders and pulling her closer. She pressed a loving kiss to the crown of her head. “I just wish I knew how to help you sleep better.”
“Orgasms,” Arizona murmured without hesitation, causing them both to start snickering. The light-hearted action helped lift her spirits significantly.
“You never give up, do you?” Callie smirked into her girlfriend’s hair, feeling better despite the heavy conversation. It meant a lot to her that Arizona had opened up.
“Not when it comes to a pretty girl like you.” Arizona closed her eyes and breathed in the familiar scent of Callie’s leather jacket, sliding a hand underneath it and across her belly. “I’ll be okay. Believe me when I say having you around has made my life a thousand times better. I was even more of a walking disaster before you took me in off the streets.”
“You were homeless but cute,” Callie teased, rubbing her hand up and down Arizona’s arm. “Would you think about it, though? Talking to someone? I can help you research your options. You don’t have to do it all alone.”
Arizona hesitated. “I’ll think about it,” she allowed, still not positive that she was ready to sit in a room with a total stranger and spill her guts. She did feel better after telling Callie about her nightmares, though. At least some of the weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Part of her still couldn’t understand why Callie hadn’t run for the hills yet but she was quickly learning it would be better to stop asking those kinds of questions. Especially since her girlfriend seemed poised to smack her the next time she tried.
“No wonder you’ve been so stressed out lately,” Callie sighed. “I thought you were just frustrated with how physical therapy was going.”
Arizona absently stroked her fingers along Callie’s cotton t-shirt. “There’s a little more to it,” she admitted, lifting her head from its comfortable spot. “I don’t think it’s really anything to be worried about. It’s probably just allergies on top of everything else.”
Callie frowned. “What’s just allergies?”
Arizona bit her bottom lip. “I’ve been getting these nosebleeds. Which isn’t entirely unusual, because I used to get them all the time growing up, but twice now it’s been because of these nightmares where I’m falling out of bed and knocking your designer lamp over.”
Callie sat up straighter, retracting her arm so she could face Arizona. “From hitting yourself in the face?”
“I don’t think so,” Arizona said, still hesitant about making a big deal of it. “I wake up already covered in blood, like they started while I was asleep. Seattle isn’t exactly a desert with no moisture in the air, so I thought it was a little unusual with the timing, that’s all.”
Callie’s frown deepened and she took Arizona’s head between her hands, switching into doctor mode as she inspected her eyes and turned her face to the side. “Any headaches?”
“Some pretty nasty migraines,” Arizona admitted, “but not always at the same time as the other stuff. I chalked it up to air pressure changes.” She placated Callie and went along with the examination even though she felt it was unnecessary.
“Chest pain?” Callie asked, tilting Arizona’s head to the left.
“I get a little wheezy sometimes,” Arizona said. “Never any pain. Most of it takes place after physical therapy. I’m a giant wet noodle these days, so that’s probably normal.”
“Is that usually when the nightmares start?” Callie traced her thumb across Arizona’s temple before feeling around the muscles lining the back of her neck.
Arizona shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. You think it’s related?”
Callie finally dropped her hands away and sighed. “I think you’ve been under a lot of stress lately and it’s doing unpleasant things to your body.” She chewed on the inside of her cheek. “I want you to come in for a physical tomorrow. I’ve got some time in the morning and I want to get a thorough idea of how you’re doing.”
“A physical?” Arizona’s eyes widened. “Please don’t tell me this’ll be the very first time you get a look at my lady parts. That’s not how I pictured it happening.”
Callie let out a bark of laughter. “No, I think we can skip that part for now. Though if you’re due for one I can recommend one of my female colleagues instead.”
“No thank you,” Arizona chuckled, “I’m good. But you really don’t have to waste your very precious, very valuable time tomorrow, Doctor Torres. I’m fine.”
Callie narrowed her eyes. “Nice try, Doctor Robbins. But you’re due for a post-op check-up anyway. Nine a.m. sound good?”
Arizona released a dramatic sigh. “Mmph, early. But okay, you’re the boss. I’ll be there.”
“Good girl.” Callie leaned in and gave her a small kiss. “Now how do I convince you to spend the night in my room?”
A slow, calculated eyebrow crept up Arizona’s forehead as Callie nipped teasingly at her mouth. “Um - rules, remember?” Callie ignored her and stole another kiss. “I thought we still had those,” Arizona murmured weakly.
Callie sighed and rested their foreheads together. “I know, but today was a shitty day and if stress has anything to do with these nightmares, you might not want to be alone.”
A knot formed in Arizona’s belly. “Yeah. I have to admit, I’m not really keen on going to sleep tonight.”
“Then stay with me.” Callie slipped an arm around her waist and tugged her closer. “Maybe it’ll help. I promise not to make any moves.”
“You won’t use your feminine wiles to trick me into getting naked?” Arizona mused as she began easing Callie back down against the couch.
Callie made a feeble effort at resisting, eventually finding herself on her back as Arizona settled on top of her. “Look who’s talking. You hardly need rescuing.”
Arizona tucked some hair behind her own ear. “I’m traumatized, remember? You’re supposed to let me have my way.”
It was Callie’s turn to arch a brow. “Who’s convincing who here?”
Laughing again, Arizona shortened their conversation and drew her girlfriend into another kiss. Given that she had expected to come home and fall apart in the solitude of her bedroom, finding herself in this position was a welcomed change of pace. Turning her brain off for a little while was working wonders for her sanity. It made the tired ache in her bones just a little less noticeable.
Callie’s hands found their way to Arizona’s hips, dipping just below the hem of her t-shirt without daring go any higher. It was ridiculous how smooth and perfect Arizona’s skin was, something Callie noted painfully every time they got close. While she was determined to let Arizona set the pace, it was impossible to shut down her own libido, especially when she spent her days kissing the hottest woman in Seattle on top of their designer couch.
That made for a lot of lonely, solo nights.
Grunting into the kiss, Callie waited for Arizona to pull back before flashing a cheeky grin at her. “I think I’m onto you.”
“Technically I’m onto you right now,” Arizona said innocently, trailing her lips along the brunette’s jaw. “But, semantics.”
Groaning, Callie circled Arizona’s torso with her arms and crushed their bodies together. One of these days Arizona was going to be the death of her. But in the spirit of taking things slow, she let the blonde set the pace, happily reciprocating when their lips met for a third time.
It wasn’t hard for Arizona to feel Callie’s desire for more, and given how saintly the woman had been thus far in their relationship, she vowed to make it well worth her while when she could.
Callie’s hands tangled themselves in her hair and Arizona deepened the kiss on instinct, drawing lines down the brunette’s collarbone with her fingertips, resisting the urge to cup a full breast in her palm. She couldn’t decide whether she wanted Callie’s jacket on or off, because God did she look sexy and badass and a dozen other very selective adjectives when she wore it.
It had been a while since Callie had seen aggressive Arizona come out to play. These weren’t exactly the circumstances in which she pictured it happening, but she wasn’t about to complain. For once Arizona wasn’t trying to distract her from other issues with kissing or groping, so she had no qualms about being a willing participant.
Still, she was ever mindful of the physical boundaries they had in place for a reason. She didn’t want to spook the blonde after finally getting through to her. Callie settled for digging her fingers into Arizona’s hips and groaning softly into the kiss, earning a playful smile from the woman on top.
They were woven together on the couch when keys turned in the apartment door a short time later, causing a break in their connection and a pair of heavy sighs. Arizona shifted down and rested her cheek against Callie’s chest just as Cristina came inside, hoping this would look more innocent than it actually was. Controlling her breathing was difficult with her blood pounding through her veins, yet somehow she managed not to pant like a total fool.
Callie was stiff as a board underneath Arizona when Cristina barged in, cursing her roommate’s existence and wondering what she did to deserve it. She couldn’t have cared less that their ‘kissing on the couch’ rule was in place for such a reason - interruptions ensured things never got too far - but that didn’t mean she wasn’t secretly plotting to put the next spider she found in Yang’s bed as revenge.
The hammering of Callie’s heart would have given them away if Cristina had been close enough to hear it. As it was Arizona, had to bite her tongue to keep from grinning, keeping her ear pressed to the centre of Callie’s chest just so she could listen.
Cristina spared them a glance, rolling her eyes at their positioning as she dropped her bag by the coffee table and strolled into the kitchen. “I thought you guys were out late tonight.”
“Bad pain management day,” Arizona replied, intertwining her legs with Callie’s. “Sorry.”
Clearing her throat and finding her voice lodged somewhere in the back of her lung, Callie reached for the TV remote on the table. “We’re, uh, gonna order takeout instead.”
“If you’re ordering Chinese, throw in some spring rolls and fried rice,” Cristina said, returning to the living room with a beer and collapsing in the arm chair kiddie-corner to the couch. “Today totally sucked.”
Callie put on the news and dropped the remote before returning her arms around Arizona’s waist. She would take what little contact she could get right now, even with Cristina sitting there. “Tell me about it.” She glanced down, hoping she hadn’t offended the blonde.
Arizona seemed unfazed, shifting her head so she could focus on the TV. “Root canals are more fun than today was,” she agreed, although she was happy not to go into any more detail than that,
Popping off the beer cap, Cristina slumped back in her chair. “I have Wednesday off and saw that you’re on the early shift. Game night?”
Callie felt some of her resentment towards Cristina dissipate at the suggestion. “Hell yeah! We haven’t done that in forever.”
“Game night?” Arizona echoed. “Like, board games?”
Cristina snorted. “Monopoly is for losers. Every month or so, Torres and I get hammered playing Xbox and gain twenty pounds in pizza consumption. It’s great.”
Callie snickered beneath her and Arizona lifted her head to smirk. “The fact that I haven’t seen you drunk yet is a little weird,” she mused.
“You could join,” Cristina offered, surprising them both. “You live here anyway.”
“Absolutely,” Callie agreed without hesitation, smiling at Arizona and lifting a hand to comb it through her hair. “But I’m still gonna kick your ass, so expect no mercy. You have to learn on your feet.”
“Please, I’m not that old. We played Playstation on the base all the time,” Arizona countered, rolling her eyes before resettling her cheek against Callie’s sternum. “I’m in.”
“Bring Teddy,” Cristina added. “Maybe if I get her drunk and feed her terrible food she’ll let me in on a couple of good surgeries.”
“I’ll see what she’s up to,” Arizona confirmed, tracing small circles along Callie’s stomach. The exhaustion from earlier came crashing back and she could feel her willpower to stay awake starting to ebb away.
A power nap couldn’t hurt. It would give her time to consider Callie’s offer of spending the night in her bed. The very idea of being alone in the darkness brought back the large knot in her stomach, so she was pretty sure already she knew her answer.
***
June 7th, 2009
“Baby, wake up.”
A husky whisper in her ear combined with the hand on her waist gradually dragged Arizona from the warm recess of sleep she had been curled up in for hours.
“Time to get up,” Callie repeated, gently rubbing Arizona’s side. “We have to be at the hospital in forty-five minutes.”
“Mmph,” Arizona murmured into the pillow, breathing in a lungful of Callie’s scent that brought a dopey smile to her face. She loved that the bed sheets smelled like her. “Don’t wanna.”
Her girlfriend was, without a doubt, the cutest sleepy person that Callie had ever seen, but despite that she knew they had to get going. She didn’t want Arizona putting off her check-up just because she was nervous. “C’mon, move your butt. Or I’ll drop you in the shower myself.”
Pouting, Arizona rolled over and peeled her eyes open, peering sleepily up at Callie. “Ow. Sunlight.”
“You’ll live.” Callie leaned against her left arm on the opposite side of Arizona’s body and reached up with her right hand to correct the erratic hairs sticking to her girlfriend’s forehead. “Did you sleep okay?”
Humming in response, Arizona blinked a few times just to make sure her eyelids didn’t glue themselves shut again. “Yeah, surprisingly. I don’t remember waking up at any point.”
“You were pretty tired.” Callie leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Arizona’s cheek. “Told you sleeping in my bed would work.”
“Mm, my protector,” Arizona said suggestively, reaching for the front of Callie’s shirt and pulling her back down for a kiss.
Callie held off, much to her lover’s dismay. “No kissing in the bedroom, remember?”
“Callie,” Arizona whined, feeling increasingly cranky at the early morning wake-up call and the withholding of physical comfort. She could handle one or the other but not both.
“Then get up, shower, and I’ll kiss you at breakfast.” Callie’s smug grin was not lost on either of them as she wiggled away from Arizona’s grip and stood up. “Forty minutes until we leave. I’ll put on some coffee.”
Emitting a groan of resignation, Arizona sat up and blinked tiredly around Callie’s bedroom. All she wanted to do was crawl deep under the covers and wrap herself around her Callie-shaped body pillow before sleeping through the rest of the week. But since said body pillow had just walked out the door, a hot shower would be the next best thing.
As she climbed out of bed and grabbed one of her crutches, Arizona allowed the knowledge that it was her girlfriend doing the physical exam in an hour to comfort her. Otherwise the last thing in the world she wanted to do was to set foot back in that hospital wing and hear more bad news. She’d had enough of that to last a lifetime.
***
While Callie went to change into her scrubs, Arizona found the room she was booked in and put on the goofy looking hospital gown provided. She sat on the edge of the exam table, swinging her legs back and forth out of sheer boredom, and focused on the stiffness in her knee every time she fully extended it. The sensation had never really gone away and she had a feeling it was at least part of the reason her balance was still so poor. Yesterday’s episode hadn’t helped and now the joint was ballooning. She must have tweaked something when she fell.
The door opened and Arizona looked up as Callie slipped inside, closing it behind her. She shut the blinds to give them total privacy.
“Have I ever mentioned how hot you look in scrubs?” Arizona questioned, sweeping her eyes up and down Callie’s form. “Because you really do. It’s a little ridiculous.”
Callie grinned and shrugged off her lab coat, setting it aside and pushing up the sleeves of her undershirt. “Are you gonna flirt with me the whole time?”
“That depends,” Arizona said innocently. “Are you going to tell on me?”
“I don’t really want my boss knowing that I’ve bedded the VIP patient he trusted me with,” Callie mused, even as she allowed Arizona to tug her forward by her scrubs. She succumbed to a light, teasing kiss, if only for the dimple-popping smile it brought to her girlfriend’s face. “I’m a professional, Dr. Robbins. We aren’t here to play ‘doctor’.”
“Ooh,” Arizona exclaimed, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.
Callie peeled the blonde’s hands away from her scrubs and set them carefully by her sides. “No. Behave.” She pointed a stern finger in Arizona’s face. “I know you and your methods of distraction very well by now. I want to get this done and I want to do it right.”
Pouting, Arizona reluctantly nodded. “Fine. What do we do first?”
Callie flipped through Arizona’s old chart, rereading her previous notes even though she had all but memorized them by now. “I’m going to take your stats, inspect your knee, and I’ve booked you for a CT scan upstairs just to be safe.” She looked up and saw worry in Arizona’s blue eyes. “It’s just a precaution. I’m being thorough. We’ll do your head and your abdomen, then get some fresh x-rays of your leg so I get the full picture of how things are looking six months later.”
“It’s been almost seven since it happened. It’s weird thinking about it.” Arizona frowned and glanced down at her leg, dismayed with the visible scarring and deformities that would never go away.
Callie watched her for a moment before setting the chart aside, stepping up to the table again and placing one hand on each of Arizona’s shoulders. “Don’t get so down on yourself. Seven months and four surgeries later, you’re doing great.”
Arizona just lifted a skeptical eyebrow. “Mm-hm. Really great,” she said sarcastically.
“Of the two of us, which one is the orthopedic surgeon?” Callie challenged, cocking a eyebrow. “You might have seen your fair share of ortho injuries in your job but I deal with long-term recoveries all the time. I’m telling you, you’re doing great. Today is just a standard check-up that I do with all of my patients in your situation.”
“I know,” Arizona said quietly, her bravado fading as her nervousness began to show through.
“If it’ll make you feel any better, I can get a neutral third party in here to do it instead,” Callie offered, squeezing Arizona’s shoulders. “I don’t want you thinking I’m making any of this up just to spare your feelings.”
Arizona shook her head immediately. “No, I don’t want anyone else. I want you to do it. Just promise me that you’ll be one-hundred percent honest, no matter what you find, okay?”
“I promise,” Callie replied. She wanted to give Arizona good news but she wouldn’t lie to her if something came up. That wasn’t what she needed right now.
Arizona’s gaze followed Callie around the room as she grabbed gloves, blood testing supplies and various other things they would be using. She sat up straight when instructed and couldn’t help but get a little distracted as Callie leaned closer to press the stethoscope to her chest.
It was hard to breathe deeply and keep herself steady when the woman listening to her heart beat smelled like dessert and was well within licking distance. Her eyes glued themselves to her favourite spot on Callie’s neck, figuring it was a safer bet than staring down her shirt and accidentally skewing the test results. Even so her mind began to wander, and thinking about attaching her lips to said neck didn’t exactly help slow her pulse back to normal.
After a moment of listening to Arizona’s heart increasingly pound away, Callie switched the stethoscope to her back, cracking a big smile. She received a sheepish grin in return. “You need to relax or this isn’t going to work.”
“Sorry,” Arizona chuckled, sucking in a deep breath and releasing it again. “I’m trying.”
Callie focused on the sounds of Arizona’s breathing, automatically dropping her eyes down her back. She could see the big scar marring her girlfriend’s skin through the opening in the gown and resisted the urge to reach out and touch it. This wasn’t the time or the place.
“Your lungs sound good.” Callie swung the stethoscope around her neck. “Heart beat is a little fast, but in this case I’m not too worried.”
Arizona winced. “I can’t help it if I think you’re hot.”
“Next time you go for any kind of appointment I’m going to be jealous,” Callie teased, writing a few things down on her patient’s chart.
“Lucky for you, I only make out with hot orthopedic surgeons in exam rooms. I’m not a total monster.” Arizona smiled when that earned her a laugh.
Next Callie drew some blood, packaging the vials to go upstairs for testing at the end of the exam. She completed the standard ear, nose and throat tests before wrapping the pressure pump around Arizona’s bicep. This time Arizona felt calmer, relaxing into the comfortable silence as Callie took her blood pressure twice.
“Your BP’s a little high,” Callie said when she was done, setting the equipment aside and making some notes in her chart.
“That’s probably your fault,” Arizona teased.
Callie didn’t look overly amused this time. “I think the amount of stress and anxiety you’ve been feeling has contributed. It could explain the nosebleeds and the migraines, and given what you told me about those dreams yesterday and the fact that you’ve had them over a period of months, it’s no wonder your body is going through the ringer.”
“I am not taking anti-anxiety meds,” Arizona protested.
“I’m not saying you should,” Callie countered, lifting an eyebrow. “I still want you to get the head CT but I really think the most important thing we can do is figure out how to manage your…symptoms.”
“You mean talk to a shrink.”
Sighing, Callie fixed her with a look. “I’m saying it’s unhealthy to feel this way for long periods of time, Arizona. I’m not telling you to do anything. We’ll figure it out together, okay?”
Even talking about it made Arizona feel anxious, but she nodded anyway and watched as Callie pulled a rolling stool over to settle in front of her legs.
Arizona pulled the gown up to her thighs and let Callie gently manipulate her right leg, flashing back to the time she had her cast removed. In some ways she felt like she hadn’t progressed much farther beyond where she was back then.
Callie’s forehead scrunched in concentration as she felt around Arizona’s knee. “It’s pretty swollen after yesterday, huh?”
“It usually is after physical therapy or bearing weight for a couple of hours,” Arizona replied. “Some days are worse than others. The swelling goes down with rest and elevation.”
Since Callie only inspected Arizona’s knee a couple of times a week when she was allowed, she didn’t know how bad it got on a regular basis, but as of right now there was a fair amount of fluid build-up around the joint.
“The knee is the least of my problems,” Arizona said when Callie pointed out those concerns to her. “I’m really worried about muscle atrophy being worse than we thought. If it reaches a certain point I won’t be able to walk on my own again. I might already be there.”
Callie kneaded her fingers into Arizona’s calf, pausing only when the touch caused the blonde to cringe in discomfort. “I don’t think we’re at that point yet. You’ve been doing enough exercises that it should keep things from deteriorating too quickly from underuse.”
“Except it’s been weeks since the surgery and I can barely put any weight on it without pain or weakness,” Arizona argued. “You removed a lot of the damaged muscle to begin with. At this point I’m basically looking at life as Dr. House, or worse. With the degradation of what I have left this far into rehab-”
Callie rolled back a few inches on her stool and fixed Arizona with a stern look. “Stop that. You’re psyching yourself out.”
Arizona glanced away and tried not to fidget with the onset of nerves suddenly fluttering through her stomach. She had been trying not to think about the worst case scenario throughout all of this but now that they were back in an exam room, her worst fears came flooding back all at once.
With a sympathetic sigh, Callie took both of her girlfriend’s hands and squeezed them tightly. “You have a good diet, you do your exercises daily, and you are getting stronger, even if you don’t see it. You’re an optimist and you wanted to be further along by now, but these things take time. I cannot stress that enough.”
Arizona slumped forward, deflated, but remained silent and allowed Callie’s ‘doctor’ voice to bring her some comfort.
“You have a fair amount of fluid build-up in your knee,” Callie continued patiently, “so I’m going to send you up to radiology for your CT and x-rays, and when you get back I’m going to drain it. That should help relieve the pressure and hopefully make physical therapy easier on you for the next week or so. We’ll keep an eye on it and if the swelling comes back then we’ll do it again. In the meantime, I’m going to request your physical therapist’s notes and recommend some changes to your routine.”
“Such as?”
“For starters, I think if we throw in some swimming it might help,” Callie suggested. “That’ll allow you to build muscle while having a low impact on the joint. If you’re up for it during the week and outside of your physio timeslot, we can start going before I head into work. There’s a pool on the other side of the neighbourhood that’s open by five a.m.”
While she liked swimming, the idea of wearing a bathing suit twisted Arizona’s stomach into knots. She used to love the water and swam competitively for a few years in high school, but that was before she got injured. Way, way before. She still didn’t go out of the house in anything less than full length pants these days.
Callie read Arizona’s expression and lifted one hand to cradle her cheek. “I really do think it’ll help,” she said honestly. “I don’t want to make you do something you’re uncomfortable with, but it is worth considering. It could make a huge difference in how we work on your conditioning, and if you’re in less pain because of it, then maybe you’ll sleep better at night.”
Arizona mustered up a brave smile and nodded for Callie’s sake. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Great.” Callie clicked her pen shut and stuffed it back in her breast pocket. “Okay, I’m going to take you up to radiology and get a resident to bring you back down after. Then I’ll drain some of this nasty fluid, give you a cookie and send you on your way.”
“When will the results of the scans come in?” Arizona questioned as she pulled on a pair of yoga pants she had brought with her. Once her lower half was clothed, she slid into the wheelchair Callie brought over to the table.
“I think I can pull a few strings and get them within a day or two. We’ll go over them together.” Callie wheeled her towards the door. “Try not to worry so much. You’ll do great.”
Arizona sat in silence and didn’t mention the nausea swirling in her gut.
---
Scar Tissue (Part Two)
Chapter 21
Authors: kennedysbitch & livelovelearneg
Beta'd by englishstrawbie
Rating: NC-17 [Depictions of violence, PTSD, Language, Sexual Content]
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Disclaimer
Scar Tissue [masterpost]
Summary: When Arizona Robbins’ brother dies in Iraq, her life takes off in a completely different direction. Now a highly-rated trauma surgeon with the United States Marine Corps, she spends the three years following his death serving their country overseas - until an insurgent attack leaves her with debilitating injuries. Traveling to Seattle at her father’s request, she falls under the care of orthopedic surgeon Dr. Calliope Torres. Damaged emotionally and physically, Arizona tries to start the healing process with the help of a headstrong woman she never saw coming.
Part Two: Now free from the confines of a hospital bed for the first time
in almost five months, Arizona begins her physical and emotional recovery while
navigating a budding yet rocky relationship with Callie Torres.
Warnings: Depictions of violence, PTSD, Language, Sexual Content
Trailer:
Click to view---
Callie knew she was going to make a run for it before they even entered the apartment.
Sure enough, Arizona remained mute as she removed her shoes and hung up her jacket, each movement methodical and precise. She picked her way into the main room on her crutches and started towards the back hall without so much as a backward glance. She felt too unstable to do anything other than collapse into bed and release the tight hold she had been keeping on her emotions the entire trip home.
“Wait.”
Callie’s voice made her stop but she didn’t turn around.
“Arizona, please,” Callie said quietly. “You can’t pretend this isn’t happening. Not anymore. I need you to stop and sit down for a minute.”
Arizona swallowed hard, feeling her heartbeat increase with anxiety. Her first instinct was to ignore the request but this wasn’t just about her anymore. It was hard on Callie too, she knew it was; so as much as she wanted to be selfish and lock herself away, she couldn’t turn her back on one of the only people who had it these days. She felt sick as she turned around and met her girlfriend’s gaze, nodding tightly without saying a word.
She didn’t want to do this.
Callie took a step closer and gently guided Arizona over to the couch before she could bolt, setting the crutches aside and helping her sit down. She took a seat next to her and twisted her upper body around so they were face to face - or face to side profile, as it were; Arizona still wouldn’t look at her.
Arizona felt the heat rise in her cheeks as Callie’s eyes bore into the side of her head. She stayed as still a statue, staring hard at the coffee table and keeping her mind blank so that she didn’t have to relive what had just happened.
“Hey.” Callie slowly reached out to run a hand along Arizona’s back, ignoring the way she stiffened in response. “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now. You must be exhausted.”
“Among other things,” Arizona said, her voice strained as she spoke for the first time since leaving the wharf. She sounded hoarse and had to clear her throat to make herself heard. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
Callie furrowed her brow. “You have nothing to be sorry for. What happened wasn’t your fault.”
Arizona let out a harsh laugh and closed her eyes. She wrapped her arms tightly around her midsection as though trying to hold herself together. “Wasn’t it? Somebody knocked over a giant box and I lost my mind. It was pathetic.”
Callie’s heart ached at the self-hatred in Arizona’s voice. She scooted closer and took her hand. “You went through something horrible six months ago and you’re still standing, regardless of what you think about yourself. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is complicated and it’s not something you can just get over. You’re a doctor, you know how it works.”
“It’s one thing to know about it as a professional and another to lose control of your own body every time you...” Arizona trailed off, for the first time looking directly at Callie. “I thought I was getting better. I thought if I could just forget…but I can’t. I don’t know if I ever will.”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” Callie said, reaching up to run her fingers through blonde curls.
“I mean it, Callie,” Arizona said firmly, emotion clicking behind her words for the first time. “You didn’t sign up for this. You had no way of knowing it would get this bad. I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to cut and run before it gets any messier.”
“Stop it.” Callie took Arizona’s face in between her hands. “That is never going to happen, when are you going to get that through your head? I meant what I said when you moved in - no matter how bad it gets, I want to help you through it. I’m not going to bail just because you’re in pain.”
“Out of pity? Or obligation?” Arizona challenged. “I would hate myself forever if you felt like you had to stay just because you said you would. It’s one thing to be a little jumpy when we’re at home but the fact that I can’t even go out in public without embarrassing myself-”
“Arizona-”
“I know you said that you wanted to help me,” Arizona blurted out loudly, “and you have no idea how grateful I am for that, but I’m giving you an out.” Her voice cracked and she took a second to get it back. “You didn’t sign up for this, Calliope. I’m saying you can walk away right now and I won’t hold it against you.”
Callie pursed her lips, a flare of anger rising up in her chest. She dropped her hands from Arizona’s face but didn’t budge an inch on the couch. “No.”
Arizona started to argue but Callie quickly cut her off.
“No,” Callie repeated, glaring. “I am not staying out of pity or obligation or any of the other offensive reasons you think I’m here for. You can’t keep telling me to leave you. It’s not fair.”
Arizona released an exasperated sigh. “Callie-”
“I said no.” Callie cocked a severe eyebrow and crossed her arms defiantly. “Maybe I don’t understand what you’re going through and maybe I don’t know exactly how to help, but what I do know is that I’m not giving up, because I’m crazy about you, even if you’re stubborn and make me want to throttle you sometimes. I gave you your space and didn’t push, but I won’t let you lock yourself away and drown in it just because you refuse to let someone in. So no, Arizona, you can take your exit strategy and shove it because you’re stuck with me. Got it?”
Arizona was struck speechless. The fierceness behind Callie’s words surprised her. For the life of her she couldn’t understand why Callie would want to stay and deal with her growing mountain of baggage when it would be so much easier just to walk away.
Callie watched an array of emotions flicker across her girlfriend’s face and her rigid stance faded when she got no response. “There are ways to deal with what you’re experiencing,” she said gently. “People that can help you process what happened.”
Arizona let out a harsh laugh and stared at her lap. “No offense, but some yahoo sitting in an office with a clipboard has no idea what it’s like coming back from that - the things you see, the things you do. The things other people do to each other and the mess that’s left behind for you to clean up.” She dropped her forehead into her hands, rubbing her brow.
Callie sagged into the couch, keeping a hand on Arizona’s back. “Does the military not have psychologists on hand to help people deal with coming back? There’s been so much research lately about soldiers returning with PTSD...”
“They do, but they’re told not to ‘over-exaggerate’ the effects of it on service members.” Arizona turned her head and smiled ruefully at Callie. “You wouldn’t believe how little the US military cares about former soldiers once they’ve served their purpose. A diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder guarantees a lifetime of coverage and treatment, whereas an anxiety disorder can be pre-existing and not their problem. The less people know about it, the less they have to cash out.”
“That’s horrible,” Callie said disbelievingly.
“Tim went through it with some of his Marine buddies a few years ago. It was pretty bad.” Arizona took in a deep breath through her nose and exhaled through her mouth. “The disability pay system is already complicated enough. It’s like jumping through hoops of fire when you’ve only got one working leg to stand on. And believe it or not, I’m one of the lucky ones. Some of these guys come back with much less than I did and they’re expected to survive on their own.”
Callie took a moment to absorb the information, finding it hard to believe that the US government could so willingly discard those that had risked their lives for it. Up until now it had merely been something she had seen in the news or read in a passing article on the internet; living with someone who was a survivor and going through the process first-hand was opening her eyes in a huge way.
It made her angry. For Arizona and for the others who were suffering needlessly.
Arizona leaned back next to Callie, looking contemplative as well as exhausted. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I really did start to feel better after I moved in with you, but lately it’s just felt like things have been moving in the wrong direction. Not with us,” she clarified, “just me. Like I’m trying to walk forward but the ground is moving the other way and I can’t keep up. I don’t know why.”
Frowning, Callie brushed a stray hair away from Arizona’s face. She didn’t try to coax any answers out of her or pry for more information; she simply waited patiently for Arizona to gather her words and speak on her own time.
Arizona chewed on her bottom lip for a long moment before finally deciding to continue. “I’ve been having these dreams.” The words tasted heavy as they left her mouth. “Night terrors, flashbacks, whatever you want to call them. I’ve been having them a lot lately.”
Callie sat up, looking concerned.
Arizona swallowed thickly and stared at her hands some more. “Leaving Seattle Grace was the first time since I got hurt that I wasn’t on a truckload of medication or being woken up every two hours by a nurse on rounds. The dreams would get bad when I was in the motel, almost every night of the week, but at least when I woke up I knew it wasn’t real.”
“But not anymore?”
Arizona shook her head. “No. I mean, they’re not every night, and sometimes I actually sleep pretty good. But there’s been a few times where I open my eyes and it’s dark and it just feels…wrong.” She looked at Callie. “You know that feeling when you’re standing on a ledge and you just know you’re going to fall off if you so much as breathe? Or like someone is standing behind you, waiting to push you over? It’s kind of like that, only the details are muddled and I don’t know if I’m remembering something that actually happened or if it’s all mixing together in my brain. All I know is that I can’t breathe and my leg hurts and something bad feels like it’s about to happen.”
It killed Callie to know that she had missed this and that Arizona had been all alone, waking up in a panic. “You should’ve come get me. I would have been there for you in an instant.”
“I wasn’t gonna wake you up for that,” Arizona replied, smiling thankfully. “I’ve been having dreams about what happens over there ever since I came back. These bad ones come and go; sometimes I remember the content, sometimes I don’t. Either way, they’re just dreams. They won’t kill me.”
Callie pursed her lips. “It doesn’t mean you have to force yourself to deal with them on your own. I really wish you had told me sooner.”
Arizona lifted a hand to stroke Callie’s cheek, sighing. “I’m sorry. I’m not very good at this. I am trying.”
Callie took the hand and pressed a firm kiss to Arizona’s palm. “Is there anything we can do to prevent them? I can prescribe some sleep aids if you think it will help.”
Arizona shook her head. “No, I don’t want to add more drugs and side effects to my list of problems. Thank you, though.”
“There’s really nothing the military will do for you, is there?” Callie asked, absently stroking her other hand through Arizona’s hair.
“They shipped me a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star,” Arizona said with a smirk. “Which is basically a pat on the back and a ‘thanks for playing, see you never’.”
“You never told me that,” Callie objected, frowning at her again. “Arizona, that’s huge.”
“They give you the Purple Heart when you get injured or die,” Arizona said humorously. “So yay me, I got blown up and there’s a sticker for it. And the Bronze Star, it’s a joke. I don’t deserve it.”
“You saved lives by going into battle and treating people on the front lines,” Callie argued. “That’s not nothing. Stop underselling yourself.”
“I did my duty, which was to treat injured soldiers and insurgents. Tim went above and beyond every day and kept his unit safe during a deadly ambush before an IED killed him. He deserved the Bronze Star, not me.”
The crack in Arizona’s voice wasn’t lost on Callie. She didn’t want to upset her any more than she already was after such a rough afternoon, so she didn’t push the subject further. “Have they sent them to you yet? Isn’t there supposed to be some sort of ceremony?”
“They’re at my parents’ house,” Arizona sighed, sliding down a few inches on the couch and leaning sideways into Callie. Her cheek found its favourite nook just above the brunette’s collarbone and they fell into a contemplative silence.
“Damn it. I really wanted today to go smoothly.”
“It wasn’t all bad,” Callie said lightly, wrapping an arm around Arizona’s shoulders and pulling her closer. She pressed a loving kiss to the crown of her head. “I just wish I knew how to help you sleep better.”
“Orgasms,” Arizona murmured without hesitation, causing them both to start snickering. The light-hearted action helped lift her spirits significantly.
“You never give up, do you?” Callie smirked into her girlfriend’s hair, feeling better despite the heavy conversation. It meant a lot to her that Arizona had opened up.
“Not when it comes to a pretty girl like you.” Arizona closed her eyes and breathed in the familiar scent of Callie’s leather jacket, sliding a hand underneath it and across her belly. “I’ll be okay. Believe me when I say having you around has made my life a thousand times better. I was even more of a walking disaster before you took me in off the streets.”
“You were homeless but cute,” Callie teased, rubbing her hand up and down Arizona’s arm. “Would you think about it, though? Talking to someone? I can help you research your options. You don’t have to do it all alone.”
Arizona hesitated. “I’ll think about it,” she allowed, still not positive that she was ready to sit in a room with a total stranger and spill her guts. She did feel better after telling Callie about her nightmares, though. At least some of the weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Part of her still couldn’t understand why Callie hadn’t run for the hills yet but she was quickly learning it would be better to stop asking those kinds of questions. Especially since her girlfriend seemed poised to smack her the next time she tried.
“No wonder you’ve been so stressed out lately,” Callie sighed. “I thought you were just frustrated with how physical therapy was going.”
Arizona absently stroked her fingers along Callie’s cotton t-shirt. “There’s a little more to it,” she admitted, lifting her head from its comfortable spot. “I don’t think it’s really anything to be worried about. It’s probably just allergies on top of everything else.”
Callie frowned. “What’s just allergies?”
Arizona bit her bottom lip. “I’ve been getting these nosebleeds. Which isn’t entirely unusual, because I used to get them all the time growing up, but twice now it’s been because of these nightmares where I’m falling out of bed and knocking your designer lamp over.”
Callie sat up straighter, retracting her arm so she could face Arizona. “From hitting yourself in the face?”
“I don’t think so,” Arizona said, still hesitant about making a big deal of it. “I wake up already covered in blood, like they started while I was asleep. Seattle isn’t exactly a desert with no moisture in the air, so I thought it was a little unusual with the timing, that’s all.”
Callie’s frown deepened and she took Arizona’s head between her hands, switching into doctor mode as she inspected her eyes and turned her face to the side. “Any headaches?”
“Some pretty nasty migraines,” Arizona admitted, “but not always at the same time as the other stuff. I chalked it up to air pressure changes.” She placated Callie and went along with the examination even though she felt it was unnecessary.
“Chest pain?” Callie asked, tilting Arizona’s head to the left.
“I get a little wheezy sometimes,” Arizona said. “Never any pain. Most of it takes place after physical therapy. I’m a giant wet noodle these days, so that’s probably normal.”
“Is that usually when the nightmares start?” Callie traced her thumb across Arizona’s temple before feeling around the muscles lining the back of her neck.
Arizona shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. You think it’s related?”
Callie finally dropped her hands away and sighed. “I think you’ve been under a lot of stress lately and it’s doing unpleasant things to your body.” She chewed on the inside of her cheek. “I want you to come in for a physical tomorrow. I’ve got some time in the morning and I want to get a thorough idea of how you’re doing.”
“A physical?” Arizona’s eyes widened. “Please don’t tell me this’ll be the very first time you get a look at my lady parts. That’s not how I pictured it happening.”
Callie let out a bark of laughter. “No, I think we can skip that part for now. Though if you’re due for one I can recommend one of my female colleagues instead.”
“No thank you,” Arizona chuckled, “I’m good. But you really don’t have to waste your very precious, very valuable time tomorrow, Doctor Torres. I’m fine.”
Callie narrowed her eyes. “Nice try, Doctor Robbins. But you’re due for a post-op check-up anyway. Nine a.m. sound good?”
Arizona released a dramatic sigh. “Mmph, early. But okay, you’re the boss. I’ll be there.”
“Good girl.” Callie leaned in and gave her a small kiss. “Now how do I convince you to spend the night in my room?”
A slow, calculated eyebrow crept up Arizona’s forehead as Callie nipped teasingly at her mouth. “Um - rules, remember?” Callie ignored her and stole another kiss. “I thought we still had those,” Arizona murmured weakly.
Callie sighed and rested their foreheads together. “I know, but today was a shitty day and if stress has anything to do with these nightmares, you might not want to be alone.”
A knot formed in Arizona’s belly. “Yeah. I have to admit, I’m not really keen on going to sleep tonight.”
“Then stay with me.” Callie slipped an arm around her waist and tugged her closer. “Maybe it’ll help. I promise not to make any moves.”
“You won’t use your feminine wiles to trick me into getting naked?” Arizona mused as she began easing Callie back down against the couch.
Callie made a feeble effort at resisting, eventually finding herself on her back as Arizona settled on top of her. “Look who’s talking. You hardly need rescuing.”
Arizona tucked some hair behind her own ear. “I’m traumatized, remember? You’re supposed to let me have my way.”
It was Callie’s turn to arch a brow. “Who’s convincing who here?”
Laughing again, Arizona shortened their conversation and drew her girlfriend into another kiss. Given that she had expected to come home and fall apart in the solitude of her bedroom, finding herself in this position was a welcomed change of pace. Turning her brain off for a little while was working wonders for her sanity. It made the tired ache in her bones just a little less noticeable.
Callie’s hands found their way to Arizona’s hips, dipping just below the hem of her t-shirt without daring go any higher. It was ridiculous how smooth and perfect Arizona’s skin was, something Callie noted painfully every time they got close. While she was determined to let Arizona set the pace, it was impossible to shut down her own libido, especially when she spent her days kissing the hottest woman in Seattle on top of their designer couch.
That made for a lot of lonely, solo nights.
Grunting into the kiss, Callie waited for Arizona to pull back before flashing a cheeky grin at her. “I think I’m onto you.”
“Technically I’m onto you right now,” Arizona said innocently, trailing her lips along the brunette’s jaw. “But, semantics.”
Groaning, Callie circled Arizona’s torso with her arms and crushed their bodies together. One of these days Arizona was going to be the death of her. But in the spirit of taking things slow, she let the blonde set the pace, happily reciprocating when their lips met for a third time.
It wasn’t hard for Arizona to feel Callie’s desire for more, and given how saintly the woman had been thus far in their relationship, she vowed to make it well worth her while when she could.
Callie’s hands tangled themselves in her hair and Arizona deepened the kiss on instinct, drawing lines down the brunette’s collarbone with her fingertips, resisting the urge to cup a full breast in her palm. She couldn’t decide whether she wanted Callie’s jacket on or off, because God did she look sexy and badass and a dozen other very selective adjectives when she wore it.
It had been a while since Callie had seen aggressive Arizona come out to play. These weren’t exactly the circumstances in which she pictured it happening, but she wasn’t about to complain. For once Arizona wasn’t trying to distract her from other issues with kissing or groping, so she had no qualms about being a willing participant.
Still, she was ever mindful of the physical boundaries they had in place for a reason. She didn’t want to spook the blonde after finally getting through to her. Callie settled for digging her fingers into Arizona’s hips and groaning softly into the kiss, earning a playful smile from the woman on top.
They were woven together on the couch when keys turned in the apartment door a short time later, causing a break in their connection and a pair of heavy sighs. Arizona shifted down and rested her cheek against Callie’s chest just as Cristina came inside, hoping this would look more innocent than it actually was. Controlling her breathing was difficult with her blood pounding through her veins, yet somehow she managed not to pant like a total fool.
Callie was stiff as a board underneath Arizona when Cristina barged in, cursing her roommate’s existence and wondering what she did to deserve it. She couldn’t have cared less that their ‘kissing on the couch’ rule was in place for such a reason - interruptions ensured things never got too far - but that didn’t mean she wasn’t secretly plotting to put the next spider she found in Yang’s bed as revenge.
The hammering of Callie’s heart would have given them away if Cristina had been close enough to hear it. As it was Arizona, had to bite her tongue to keep from grinning, keeping her ear pressed to the centre of Callie’s chest just so she could listen.
Cristina spared them a glance, rolling her eyes at their positioning as she dropped her bag by the coffee table and strolled into the kitchen. “I thought you guys were out late tonight.”
“Bad pain management day,” Arizona replied, intertwining her legs with Callie’s. “Sorry.”
Clearing her throat and finding her voice lodged somewhere in the back of her lung, Callie reached for the TV remote on the table. “We’re, uh, gonna order takeout instead.”
“If you’re ordering Chinese, throw in some spring rolls and fried rice,” Cristina said, returning to the living room with a beer and collapsing in the arm chair kiddie-corner to the couch. “Today totally sucked.”
Callie put on the news and dropped the remote before returning her arms around Arizona’s waist. She would take what little contact she could get right now, even with Cristina sitting there. “Tell me about it.” She glanced down, hoping she hadn’t offended the blonde.
Arizona seemed unfazed, shifting her head so she could focus on the TV. “Root canals are more fun than today was,” she agreed, although she was happy not to go into any more detail than that,
Popping off the beer cap, Cristina slumped back in her chair. “I have Wednesday off and saw that you’re on the early shift. Game night?”
Callie felt some of her resentment towards Cristina dissipate at the suggestion. “Hell yeah! We haven’t done that in forever.”
“Game night?” Arizona echoed. “Like, board games?”
Cristina snorted. “Monopoly is for losers. Every month or so, Torres and I get hammered playing Xbox and gain twenty pounds in pizza consumption. It’s great.”
Callie snickered beneath her and Arizona lifted her head to smirk. “The fact that I haven’t seen you drunk yet is a little weird,” she mused.
“You could join,” Cristina offered, surprising them both. “You live here anyway.”
“Absolutely,” Callie agreed without hesitation, smiling at Arizona and lifting a hand to comb it through her hair. “But I’m still gonna kick your ass, so expect no mercy. You have to learn on your feet.”
“Please, I’m not that old. We played Playstation on the base all the time,” Arizona countered, rolling her eyes before resettling her cheek against Callie’s sternum. “I’m in.”
“Bring Teddy,” Cristina added. “Maybe if I get her drunk and feed her terrible food she’ll let me in on a couple of good surgeries.”
“I’ll see what she’s up to,” Arizona confirmed, tracing small circles along Callie’s stomach. The exhaustion from earlier came crashing back and she could feel her willpower to stay awake starting to ebb away.
A power nap couldn’t hurt. It would give her time to consider Callie’s offer of spending the night in her bed. The very idea of being alone in the darkness brought back the large knot in her stomach, so she was pretty sure already she knew her answer.
***
June 7th, 2009
“Baby, wake up.”
A husky whisper in her ear combined with the hand on her waist gradually dragged Arizona from the warm recess of sleep she had been curled up in for hours.
“Time to get up,” Callie repeated, gently rubbing Arizona’s side. “We have to be at the hospital in forty-five minutes.”
“Mmph,” Arizona murmured into the pillow, breathing in a lungful of Callie’s scent that brought a dopey smile to her face. She loved that the bed sheets smelled like her. “Don’t wanna.”
Her girlfriend was, without a doubt, the cutest sleepy person that Callie had ever seen, but despite that she knew they had to get going. She didn’t want Arizona putting off her check-up just because she was nervous. “C’mon, move your butt. Or I’ll drop you in the shower myself.”
Pouting, Arizona rolled over and peeled her eyes open, peering sleepily up at Callie. “Ow. Sunlight.”
“You’ll live.” Callie leaned against her left arm on the opposite side of Arizona’s body and reached up with her right hand to correct the erratic hairs sticking to her girlfriend’s forehead. “Did you sleep okay?”
Humming in response, Arizona blinked a few times just to make sure her eyelids didn’t glue themselves shut again. “Yeah, surprisingly. I don’t remember waking up at any point.”
“You were pretty tired.” Callie leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Arizona’s cheek. “Told you sleeping in my bed would work.”
“Mm, my protector,” Arizona said suggestively, reaching for the front of Callie’s shirt and pulling her back down for a kiss.
Callie held off, much to her lover’s dismay. “No kissing in the bedroom, remember?”
“Callie,” Arizona whined, feeling increasingly cranky at the early morning wake-up call and the withholding of physical comfort. She could handle one or the other but not both.
“Then get up, shower, and I’ll kiss you at breakfast.” Callie’s smug grin was not lost on either of them as she wiggled away from Arizona’s grip and stood up. “Forty minutes until we leave. I’ll put on some coffee.”
Emitting a groan of resignation, Arizona sat up and blinked tiredly around Callie’s bedroom. All she wanted to do was crawl deep under the covers and wrap herself around her Callie-shaped body pillow before sleeping through the rest of the week. But since said body pillow had just walked out the door, a hot shower would be the next best thing.
As she climbed out of bed and grabbed one of her crutches, Arizona allowed the knowledge that it was her girlfriend doing the physical exam in an hour to comfort her. Otherwise the last thing in the world she wanted to do was to set foot back in that hospital wing and hear more bad news. She’d had enough of that to last a lifetime.
***
While Callie went to change into her scrubs, Arizona found the room she was booked in and put on the goofy looking hospital gown provided. She sat on the edge of the exam table, swinging her legs back and forth out of sheer boredom, and focused on the stiffness in her knee every time she fully extended it. The sensation had never really gone away and she had a feeling it was at least part of the reason her balance was still so poor. Yesterday’s episode hadn’t helped and now the joint was ballooning. She must have tweaked something when she fell.
The door opened and Arizona looked up as Callie slipped inside, closing it behind her. She shut the blinds to give them total privacy.
“Have I ever mentioned how hot you look in scrubs?” Arizona questioned, sweeping her eyes up and down Callie’s form. “Because you really do. It’s a little ridiculous.”
Callie grinned and shrugged off her lab coat, setting it aside and pushing up the sleeves of her undershirt. “Are you gonna flirt with me the whole time?”
“That depends,” Arizona said innocently. “Are you going to tell on me?”
“I don’t really want my boss knowing that I’ve bedded the VIP patient he trusted me with,” Callie mused, even as she allowed Arizona to tug her forward by her scrubs. She succumbed to a light, teasing kiss, if only for the dimple-popping smile it brought to her girlfriend’s face. “I’m a professional, Dr. Robbins. We aren’t here to play ‘doctor’.”
“Ooh,” Arizona exclaimed, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.
Callie peeled the blonde’s hands away from her scrubs and set them carefully by her sides. “No. Behave.” She pointed a stern finger in Arizona’s face. “I know you and your methods of distraction very well by now. I want to get this done and I want to do it right.”
Pouting, Arizona reluctantly nodded. “Fine. What do we do first?”
Callie flipped through Arizona’s old chart, rereading her previous notes even though she had all but memorized them by now. “I’m going to take your stats, inspect your knee, and I’ve booked you for a CT scan upstairs just to be safe.” She looked up and saw worry in Arizona’s blue eyes. “It’s just a precaution. I’m being thorough. We’ll do your head and your abdomen, then get some fresh x-rays of your leg so I get the full picture of how things are looking six months later.”
“It’s been almost seven since it happened. It’s weird thinking about it.” Arizona frowned and glanced down at her leg, dismayed with the visible scarring and deformities that would never go away.
Callie watched her for a moment before setting the chart aside, stepping up to the table again and placing one hand on each of Arizona’s shoulders. “Don’t get so down on yourself. Seven months and four surgeries later, you’re doing great.”
Arizona just lifted a skeptical eyebrow. “Mm-hm. Really great,” she said sarcastically.
“Of the two of us, which one is the orthopedic surgeon?” Callie challenged, cocking a eyebrow. “You might have seen your fair share of ortho injuries in your job but I deal with long-term recoveries all the time. I’m telling you, you’re doing great. Today is just a standard check-up that I do with all of my patients in your situation.”
“I know,” Arizona said quietly, her bravado fading as her nervousness began to show through.
“If it’ll make you feel any better, I can get a neutral third party in here to do it instead,” Callie offered, squeezing Arizona’s shoulders. “I don’t want you thinking I’m making any of this up just to spare your feelings.”
Arizona shook her head immediately. “No, I don’t want anyone else. I want you to do it. Just promise me that you’ll be one-hundred percent honest, no matter what you find, okay?”
“I promise,” Callie replied. She wanted to give Arizona good news but she wouldn’t lie to her if something came up. That wasn’t what she needed right now.
Arizona’s gaze followed Callie around the room as she grabbed gloves, blood testing supplies and various other things they would be using. She sat up straight when instructed and couldn’t help but get a little distracted as Callie leaned closer to press the stethoscope to her chest.
It was hard to breathe deeply and keep herself steady when the woman listening to her heart beat smelled like dessert and was well within licking distance. Her eyes glued themselves to her favourite spot on Callie’s neck, figuring it was a safer bet than staring down her shirt and accidentally skewing the test results. Even so her mind began to wander, and thinking about attaching her lips to said neck didn’t exactly help slow her pulse back to normal.
After a moment of listening to Arizona’s heart increasingly pound away, Callie switched the stethoscope to her back, cracking a big smile. She received a sheepish grin in return. “You need to relax or this isn’t going to work.”
“Sorry,” Arizona chuckled, sucking in a deep breath and releasing it again. “I’m trying.”
Callie focused on the sounds of Arizona’s breathing, automatically dropping her eyes down her back. She could see the big scar marring her girlfriend’s skin through the opening in the gown and resisted the urge to reach out and touch it. This wasn’t the time or the place.
“Your lungs sound good.” Callie swung the stethoscope around her neck. “Heart beat is a little fast, but in this case I’m not too worried.”
Arizona winced. “I can’t help it if I think you’re hot.”
“Next time you go for any kind of appointment I’m going to be jealous,” Callie teased, writing a few things down on her patient’s chart.
“Lucky for you, I only make out with hot orthopedic surgeons in exam rooms. I’m not a total monster.” Arizona smiled when that earned her a laugh.
Next Callie drew some blood, packaging the vials to go upstairs for testing at the end of the exam. She completed the standard ear, nose and throat tests before wrapping the pressure pump around Arizona’s bicep. This time Arizona felt calmer, relaxing into the comfortable silence as Callie took her blood pressure twice.
“Your BP’s a little high,” Callie said when she was done, setting the equipment aside and making some notes in her chart.
“That’s probably your fault,” Arizona teased.
Callie didn’t look overly amused this time. “I think the amount of stress and anxiety you’ve been feeling has contributed. It could explain the nosebleeds and the migraines, and given what you told me about those dreams yesterday and the fact that you’ve had them over a period of months, it’s no wonder your body is going through the ringer.”
“I am not taking anti-anxiety meds,” Arizona protested.
“I’m not saying you should,” Callie countered, lifting an eyebrow. “I still want you to get the head CT but I really think the most important thing we can do is figure out how to manage your…symptoms.”
“You mean talk to a shrink.”
Sighing, Callie fixed her with a look. “I’m saying it’s unhealthy to feel this way for long periods of time, Arizona. I’m not telling you to do anything. We’ll figure it out together, okay?”
Even talking about it made Arizona feel anxious, but she nodded anyway and watched as Callie pulled a rolling stool over to settle in front of her legs.
Arizona pulled the gown up to her thighs and let Callie gently manipulate her right leg, flashing back to the time she had her cast removed. In some ways she felt like she hadn’t progressed much farther beyond where she was back then.
Callie’s forehead scrunched in concentration as she felt around Arizona’s knee. “It’s pretty swollen after yesterday, huh?”
“It usually is after physical therapy or bearing weight for a couple of hours,” Arizona replied. “Some days are worse than others. The swelling goes down with rest and elevation.”
Since Callie only inspected Arizona’s knee a couple of times a week when she was allowed, she didn’t know how bad it got on a regular basis, but as of right now there was a fair amount of fluid build-up around the joint.
“The knee is the least of my problems,” Arizona said when Callie pointed out those concerns to her. “I’m really worried about muscle atrophy being worse than we thought. If it reaches a certain point I won’t be able to walk on my own again. I might already be there.”
Callie kneaded her fingers into Arizona’s calf, pausing only when the touch caused the blonde to cringe in discomfort. “I don’t think we’re at that point yet. You’ve been doing enough exercises that it should keep things from deteriorating too quickly from underuse.”
“Except it’s been weeks since the surgery and I can barely put any weight on it without pain or weakness,” Arizona argued. “You removed a lot of the damaged muscle to begin with. At this point I’m basically looking at life as Dr. House, or worse. With the degradation of what I have left this far into rehab-”
Callie rolled back a few inches on her stool and fixed Arizona with a stern look. “Stop that. You’re psyching yourself out.”
Arizona glanced away and tried not to fidget with the onset of nerves suddenly fluttering through her stomach. She had been trying not to think about the worst case scenario throughout all of this but now that they were back in an exam room, her worst fears came flooding back all at once.
With a sympathetic sigh, Callie took both of her girlfriend’s hands and squeezed them tightly. “You have a good diet, you do your exercises daily, and you are getting stronger, even if you don’t see it. You’re an optimist and you wanted to be further along by now, but these things take time. I cannot stress that enough.”
Arizona slumped forward, deflated, but remained silent and allowed Callie’s ‘doctor’ voice to bring her some comfort.
“You have a fair amount of fluid build-up in your knee,” Callie continued patiently, “so I’m going to send you up to radiology for your CT and x-rays, and when you get back I’m going to drain it. That should help relieve the pressure and hopefully make physical therapy easier on you for the next week or so. We’ll keep an eye on it and if the swelling comes back then we’ll do it again. In the meantime, I’m going to request your physical therapist’s notes and recommend some changes to your routine.”
“Such as?”
“For starters, I think if we throw in some swimming it might help,” Callie suggested. “That’ll allow you to build muscle while having a low impact on the joint. If you’re up for it during the week and outside of your physio timeslot, we can start going before I head into work. There’s a pool on the other side of the neighbourhood that’s open by five a.m.”
While she liked swimming, the idea of wearing a bathing suit twisted Arizona’s stomach into knots. She used to love the water and swam competitively for a few years in high school, but that was before she got injured. Way, way before. She still didn’t go out of the house in anything less than full length pants these days.
Callie read Arizona’s expression and lifted one hand to cradle her cheek. “I really do think it’ll help,” she said honestly. “I don’t want to make you do something you’re uncomfortable with, but it is worth considering. It could make a huge difference in how we work on your conditioning, and if you’re in less pain because of it, then maybe you’ll sleep better at night.”
Arizona mustered up a brave smile and nodded for Callie’s sake. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”
“Great.” Callie clicked her pen shut and stuffed it back in her breast pocket. “Okay, I’m going to take you up to radiology and get a resident to bring you back down after. Then I’ll drain some of this nasty fluid, give you a cookie and send you on your way.”
“When will the results of the scans come in?” Arizona questioned as she pulled on a pair of yoga pants she had brought with her. Once her lower half was clothed, she slid into the wheelchair Callie brought over to the table.
“I think I can pull a few strings and get them within a day or two. We’ll go over them together.” Callie wheeled her towards the door. “Try not to worry so much. You’ll do great.”
Arizona sat in silence and didn’t mention the nausea swirling in her gut.
---