Checking In. Moving forward.
I keep saying things like “I want to get my voice back” or “I want to get back on my game” or “I am going to make a comeback” or other things like that. Note that the one word these phrases share in common is “back.” Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe back isn’t where I need to be going.
A friend of mine’s father died a few weeks ago. I saw her and we talked about our experiences dealing with the death of our fathers. She said something that really hit home for me. She said, “I wasn’t expecting that I would never be the same person again.”
I think it’s time I acknowledge that. My dad died. He was a part of my life for my entire 51.5 years on the planet before his death. Somehow my life orbited around him even though I didn’t even realize it. When he died, I lost what little grounding I had in life. I felt like my plug was pulled, and I had no light left inside me.
But that’s not true. I have to accept that now I have a new light. A different light. No, I am not going to get myself “back.” Not the way I was. But I am going to move forward.
One of the biggest things I’m doing for myself is playing guitar. When I play guitar, everything changes. I don’t play it well, but I make music from my heart. I decided that I don’t want to learn how to play songs right now. They will be too confining and lock me into something that’s not mine. I just want to learn some technique and chords, so I can create my own sound, something that is distinct that comes from inside me.
On that note (pun intended), I bought myself a new guitar for an early birthday present. Here I am with it. It’s an Epiphone Wildkat Hollowbody Electric Guitar with Bigsby Wine Red. It is a beautiful guitar. The sound is melancholy, spooky, rhythmic, atmospheric and completely different from the sound of my Strat. It also comes with a vibrato bar that allows me to make excellent movie music sounds. It’s a real beauty.
I had to buy it today because it was the only red one left in stock and Epiphone stopped making it in red. I paid for it with money I earned from art sales and writing, so that felt good. I played my new guitar for two hours today. I played until my fingers couldn’t play anymore. In fact, my fingertips are tender as I type these words, yet I want to play it some more now. I want to go to the place playing guitar takes me.
I need to STOP thinking that I need to get back. Instead, I need to take life one moment at a time. I need to move forward. I’m really trying.
After I played guitar I made a fifteen minute art in my Rock Moleskine. I’m ready to start working on larger mixed media pieces again. I’m going to stay with the same size - 18 x24 - but using heavier paper so I can integrate paint with Cheap Ass Ballpoint Pen. It will be an in between step eventually taking me to a place where I will work on larger canvases. The drawing isn’t very good, but hey I made it in fifteen minutes. What do you expect?
Remember the place where the doors were smashed?
Cheap Ass Ballpoint Pen in Rock Moleskine
I have to come up with a list of 100 favorite films for CounterPunch. Going to do that now. Just checking in.
XO
KDD
A friend of mine’s father died a few weeks ago. I saw her and we talked about our experiences dealing with the death of our fathers. She said something that really hit home for me. She said, “I wasn’t expecting that I would never be the same person again.”
I think it’s time I acknowledge that. My dad died. He was a part of my life for my entire 51.5 years on the planet before his death. Somehow my life orbited around him even though I didn’t even realize it. When he died, I lost what little grounding I had in life. I felt like my plug was pulled, and I had no light left inside me.
But that’s not true. I have to accept that now I have a new light. A different light. No, I am not going to get myself “back.” Not the way I was. But I am going to move forward.
One of the biggest things I’m doing for myself is playing guitar. When I play guitar, everything changes. I don’t play it well, but I make music from my heart. I decided that I don’t want to learn how to play songs right now. They will be too confining and lock me into something that’s not mine. I just want to learn some technique and chords, so I can create my own sound, something that is distinct that comes from inside me.
On that note (pun intended), I bought myself a new guitar for an early birthday present. Here I am with it. It’s an Epiphone Wildkat Hollowbody Electric Guitar with Bigsby Wine Red. It is a beautiful guitar. The sound is melancholy, spooky, rhythmic, atmospheric and completely different from the sound of my Strat. It also comes with a vibrato bar that allows me to make excellent movie music sounds. It’s a real beauty.
I had to buy it today because it was the only red one left in stock and Epiphone stopped making it in red. I paid for it with money I earned from art sales and writing, so that felt good. I played my new guitar for two hours today. I played until my fingers couldn’t play anymore. In fact, my fingertips are tender as I type these words, yet I want to play it some more now. I want to go to the place playing guitar takes me.
I need to STOP thinking that I need to get back. Instead, I need to take life one moment at a time. I need to move forward. I’m really trying.
After I played guitar I made a fifteen minute art in my Rock Moleskine. I’m ready to start working on larger mixed media pieces again. I’m going to stay with the same size - 18 x24 - but using heavier paper so I can integrate paint with Cheap Ass Ballpoint Pen. It will be an in between step eventually taking me to a place where I will work on larger canvases. The drawing isn’t very good, but hey I made it in fifteen minutes. What do you expect?
Remember the place where the doors were smashed?
Cheap Ass Ballpoint Pen in Rock Moleskine
I have to come up with a list of 100 favorite films for CounterPunch. Going to do that now. Just checking in.
XO
KDD