"It's winter in January-- It's strange and beautiful!"
So I was chit-chattin' with an internet friend earlier today. We were both bemoaning the fact that there just isn't a Dating Sim market out there for mature women with sophisticated tastes like us. "If only," I said, "there was a Dating Sim out there that catered to the kind of boyfriend I want!"
"I know!" The friend agreed. "There are so many games out there with handsome men to be seduced by the female player, or handsome men to be seduced by a "male" player, but there isn't a game for us."
"If only," I whispered, wiping a tear of sorrow from my eye, "If only there was a Dating Sim out there where you could play as human girl in an all-bird high school and seduce pigeons."
And then the Wish-Pixies heard our pleas and directed us to "Hatoful Boyfriend".
Oh, this is very much so a real game. I will be sharing screenshots with you momentarily, but first the summary of this fine piece of computer simulation as TV Tropes puts it: "Hatoful Boyfriend (Japanese title はーとふる彼氏) is a game about a human hunter-gatherer girl (named by you, default Hiyoko Tousaka) who decides to go to a high school for birds, St. PigeoNation's Institute. There, she dates pigeons."
So, after the lengthy process of downloading the game, downloading the English patch, informing Dragonendalia of the mere existence of said game and sending it her way, I booted up for some pigeon action.
Ah, a good sign indeed. By the pigeon and for the pigeon-- we are in good hands.
SO MANY ELIGIBLE BACHELORS. WHICH ONE WILL I CHOOSE?
I was asked to pick a name to play as, so I went with "Katiria". Then it asked me to choose a last name too, so I went with "Statham", because I can think of no other last name to better suit the lone human student of St. PigeoNation's Institute.
...and a normal human? Am I to take from this that the most gifted birds are on par with a human who obviously has severe psychological issues and can't be trusted with other human students? Is that it, Hatoful Boyfriend?
I just assumed you didn't have a choice in the matter.
Oh, 'sup Bro?
This is apparently my childhood pigeon friend.
Ha ha ha, that's right, Ryouta the pigeon. You chastise Statham for being late.
UH WAIT, WHAT? I THOUGHT THIS WAS A PIGEON DATING GAME. WHY IS THERE A HUMAN FORM?
Actually, I can explain this one. When the game initially started up, it asked me something about "portraits" that I clicked through. Turns out I agreed to allow the "human form aura" or whatever I get upon meeting new characters. However, as I have stated many times now, I intend to treat this as a legit pigeon dating game, so no longer will you guys be privy to their human appearances; you will seem them in their feathered beauty and no other way.
Moving on. I whined to Ryouta the pigeon about being hungry and sucking at finding food in bird-school land. He had a solution.
Would you, Ryouta? You're a pal. Welp, let's get to class. I want to meet more birds. If your my only "date" option, I'll be disappointed.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
...oh, hello, Homeroom Teacher. What's your deal?
Math from a quail, I can live with that. He's a bit narcoleptic, always falling asleep or what not, but it makes for HILAAAARIOUS dialogue. Also, there is a new transfer student.
He does not wish to introduce himself to us commoners. I assume he will be filling the "stuck up rich kid" role.
I know I'm proud of your tail too. Coming from the lone human student, you should be honored, S.U.R.K. (which I will use to refer to him now, as it's easier than worrying about his name).
After the obligatory, "Why are you such a jerk? Why can't we all get along?" plea from my character, I decided to return the books I guess I had out all summer to the library.
Yeah, seriously! I can't see anybirdie! What gives? Also, if this is a bird school, why is all the furniture catered to humans? Was there some sort of bird-flu apocalypse? Has humanity all but been wiped out while the birds have evolved to pick up the slack, but not enough to craft their own chairs?
Anyhow, there's one mourning dove just hanging out, so I introduced myself.
You guys have to admit, "Katiria Statham" is a pretty sweet name.
Believe me, I've done you all a favor. He looks like a little girl in "human" form. Anyhow, me and Emo kid chatted awhile, but then I left, thinking profound thoughts about my new friend.
Relatively profound.
BUT HEY, THERE'S A FIGHT GOING ON IN THE HALL.
Turns out some upperclassman is the half-brother of SURK and they had a spat about how they're not gonna consider the other family because he sucks too much. Not only do I appear to be the only human in the school, I'm the only girl.
SURK's upperclassman half-brother, blah blah blah. I don't have much interest in this guy, though Dragonendalia has apparently set her sights on him. Something about liking his glasses.*
*Not pictured: Yuuya's bespectacled human form.
Anyhow, the dude knows me even though I've never talked to him. I asked him why.
...and the only girl. Don't be forgetting that either, Yuuya.
The hell do I care about bird nobility? Unless this is the post apocalyptic society I suspect it must be, the nobility of birds plays very little into my daily life. Oh, and it sounds like my BFF Ryouta the pigeon is sick or something. Off to the infirmary.
...uh. Hi there, Doctor. You're not a sketchy looking bird or anything.
So that's what a partridge looks like. Also, my character makes a point in saying he's basically the Seishirou Sakurazuka of the school, so unless you want to be murdered or molested, don't get sick. That puts him pretty high on my "potential boyfriend" list.
Ryouta the pigeon apparently already went home, so I decided I was gonna go check out the bird track team for two reasons.
...wait, they actually run? Bird track sounds funny to watch; I support your decision to go mock the bird athletes, Katiria Statham.
Then I ran into this dude at the track. Before you think he's talking about me, allow me to explain-- he's mad at his pudding for being a lie.
Also, he's the only one who speaks in actual dove sounds, which are conveniently translated for us. Let's get his information.
You will notice I didn't censor this one. I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
KATIRIA 3:08 pm
I AM TOTALLY GOING AFTER THE BIRD WITH NO HUMAN FACE FORM
THIS IS A PIGEON SEDUCING GAME, I'M SEDUCING A PIGEON
DRAGONENDALIA 3:09 pm
XD
That's right, folks. Okosan will be my target for the remainder of this game.
I told Okosan to shut up about his pudding. He pimp slapped me.
That's my man! Tee-hee!
...and then continued to threaten pain and death upon pudding and pudding makers. I think I chose wisely.
A good day indeed! Not only did I meet my potential boyfriend, I met a cast of colorful characters as well. Who knows what tomorrow brings?
Well, specifically, it brings Homeroom Teacher asking us what clubs we want to join or if anyone wants to help out on student council with President SURK, who got the position merely by transferring to the school.
That is exactly how I talk. It's like Katiria Statham is me.
As much as I'd like to recreate middle school/Utena and serve on the student council again, I've decided I'm getting me a track star pigeon. So that means actually joining the track team. :X
Wait, why do I suddenly have stats? Does that mean I'm about to fight someone? Can I die in this thing? Technically I already know the answer to that and the answer is yes.
Oh. They have to do with this thing. WELP, GOTTA BE GOOD AT TRACK IF I WANT TO IMPRESS OKOSAN. GYM TIME.
...except I'm not able to participate in Gym because they're doing flight or some shit. It's the thought that counts, right?
Maybe some day I'll sprout wings and fly too, right, Hebei?
Hm. Apparently my lack of participation doesn't affect my physical fitness, though. Damn it, bird school. Why can't I just go hang out at a gym, not do anything, and get fit? It works for you.
So immediately following gym, I decided to go to Track. I don't know why I didn't just stay there, but don't judge me.
'sup today, future boyfriend?
Okosan, you're just too cool.
I told him I wanted to join the track team.
...what challenge? I just said I was gonna join the track team. There is no challenge.
So to join the team, I apparently need to beat him in either a sprint or a long distance race. I chose to sprint, as I think I could make it ten feet more easily than, say, 2 miles. Besides, he needs time to take off, right?
He beat me anyhow.
Shut up, Okosan.
Wait, he legitimately ran against me? If I lost a running match against a pigeon, I am weak. :/
My home sucks.
My diet and lifestyle may be contributing factors as to why I lost in a footrace against my pigeon boyfriend.
...and that's where I'm going to stop for now. Would folks like to see more or should I leave my pigeon wooing attempts for my eyes only? :X
"I know!" The friend agreed. "There are so many games out there with handsome men to be seduced by the female player, or handsome men to be seduced by a "male" player, but there isn't a game for us."
"If only," I whispered, wiping a tear of sorrow from my eye, "If only there was a Dating Sim out there where you could play as human girl in an all-bird high school and seduce pigeons."
And then the Wish-Pixies heard our pleas and directed us to "Hatoful Boyfriend".
Oh, this is very much so a real game. I will be sharing screenshots with you momentarily, but first the summary of this fine piece of computer simulation as TV Tropes puts it: "Hatoful Boyfriend (Japanese title はーとふる彼氏) is a game about a human hunter-gatherer girl (named by you, default Hiyoko Tousaka) who decides to go to a high school for birds, St. PigeoNation's Institute. There, she dates pigeons."
So, after the lengthy process of downloading the game, downloading the English patch, informing Dragonendalia of the mere existence of said game and sending it her way, I booted up for some pigeon action.
Ah, a good sign indeed. By the pigeon and for the pigeon-- we are in good hands.
SO MANY ELIGIBLE BACHELORS. WHICH ONE WILL I CHOOSE?
I was asked to pick a name to play as, so I went with "Katiria". Then it asked me to choose a last name too, so I went with "Statham", because I can think of no other last name to better suit the lone human student of St. PigeoNation's Institute.
...and a normal human? Am I to take from this that the most gifted birds are on par with a human who obviously has severe psychological issues and can't be trusted with other human students? Is that it, Hatoful Boyfriend?
I just assumed you didn't have a choice in the matter.
Oh, 'sup Bro?
This is apparently my childhood pigeon friend.
Ha ha ha, that's right, Ryouta the pigeon. You chastise Statham for being late.
UH WAIT, WHAT? I THOUGHT THIS WAS A PIGEON DATING GAME. WHY IS THERE A HUMAN FORM?
Actually, I can explain this one. When the game initially started up, it asked me something about "portraits" that I clicked through. Turns out I agreed to allow the "human form aura" or whatever I get upon meeting new characters. However, as I have stated many times now, I intend to treat this as a legit pigeon dating game, so no longer will you guys be privy to their human appearances; you will seem them in their feathered beauty and no other way.
Moving on. I whined to Ryouta the pigeon about being hungry and sucking at finding food in bird-school land. He had a solution.
Would you, Ryouta? You're a pal. Welp, let's get to class. I want to meet more birds. If your my only "date" option, I'll be disappointed.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
...oh, hello, Homeroom Teacher. What's your deal?
Math from a quail, I can live with that. He's a bit narcoleptic, always falling asleep or what not, but it makes for HILAAAARIOUS dialogue. Also, there is a new transfer student.
He does not wish to introduce himself to us commoners. I assume he will be filling the "stuck up rich kid" role.
I know I'm proud of your tail too. Coming from the lone human student, you should be honored, S.U.R.K. (which I will use to refer to him now, as it's easier than worrying about his name).
After the obligatory, "Why are you such a jerk? Why can't we all get along?" plea from my character, I decided to return the books I guess I had out all summer to the library.
Yeah, seriously! I can't see anybirdie! What gives? Also, if this is a bird school, why is all the furniture catered to humans? Was there some sort of bird-flu apocalypse? Has humanity all but been wiped out while the birds have evolved to pick up the slack, but not enough to craft their own chairs?
Anyhow, there's one mourning dove just hanging out, so I introduced myself.
You guys have to admit, "Katiria Statham" is a pretty sweet name.
Believe me, I've done you all a favor. He looks like a little girl in "human" form. Anyhow, me and Emo kid chatted awhile, but then I left, thinking profound thoughts about my new friend.
Relatively profound.
BUT HEY, THERE'S A FIGHT GOING ON IN THE HALL.
Turns out some upperclassman is the half-brother of SURK and they had a spat about how they're not gonna consider the other family because he sucks too much. Not only do I appear to be the only human in the school, I'm the only girl.
SURK's upperclassman half-brother, blah blah blah. I don't have much interest in this guy, though Dragonendalia has apparently set her sights on him. Something about liking his glasses.*
*Not pictured: Yuuya's bespectacled human form.
Anyhow, the dude knows me even though I've never talked to him. I asked him why.
...and the only girl. Don't be forgetting that either, Yuuya.
The hell do I care about bird nobility? Unless this is the post apocalyptic society I suspect it must be, the nobility of birds plays very little into my daily life. Oh, and it sounds like my BFF Ryouta the pigeon is sick or something. Off to the infirmary.
...uh. Hi there, Doctor. You're not a sketchy looking bird or anything.
So that's what a partridge looks like. Also, my character makes a point in saying he's basically the Seishirou Sakurazuka of the school, so unless you want to be murdered or molested, don't get sick. That puts him pretty high on my "potential boyfriend" list.
Ryouta the pigeon apparently already went home, so I decided I was gonna go check out the bird track team for two reasons.
...wait, they actually run? Bird track sounds funny to watch; I support your decision to go mock the bird athletes, Katiria Statham.
Then I ran into this dude at the track. Before you think he's talking about me, allow me to explain-- he's mad at his pudding for being a lie.
Also, he's the only one who speaks in actual dove sounds, which are conveniently translated for us. Let's get his information.
You will notice I didn't censor this one. I DIDN'T HAVE TO.
KATIRIA 3:08 pm
I AM TOTALLY GOING AFTER THE BIRD WITH NO HUMAN FACE FORM
THIS IS A PIGEON SEDUCING GAME, I'M SEDUCING A PIGEON
DRAGONENDALIA 3:09 pm
XD
That's right, folks. Okosan will be my target for the remainder of this game.
I told Okosan to shut up about his pudding. He pimp slapped me.
That's my man! Tee-hee!
...and then continued to threaten pain and death upon pudding and pudding makers. I think I chose wisely.
A good day indeed! Not only did I meet my potential boyfriend, I met a cast of colorful characters as well. Who knows what tomorrow brings?
Well, specifically, it brings Homeroom Teacher asking us what clubs we want to join or if anyone wants to help out on student council with President SURK, who got the position merely by transferring to the school.
That is exactly how I talk. It's like Katiria Statham is me.
As much as I'd like to recreate middle school/Utena and serve on the student council again, I've decided I'm getting me a track star pigeon. So that means actually joining the track team. :X
Wait, why do I suddenly have stats? Does that mean I'm about to fight someone? Can I die in this thing? Technically I already know the answer to that and the answer is yes.
Oh. They have to do with this thing. WELP, GOTTA BE GOOD AT TRACK IF I WANT TO IMPRESS OKOSAN. GYM TIME.
...except I'm not able to participate in Gym because they're doing flight or some shit. It's the thought that counts, right?
Maybe some day I'll sprout wings and fly too, right, Hebei?
Hm. Apparently my lack of participation doesn't affect my physical fitness, though. Damn it, bird school. Why can't I just go hang out at a gym, not do anything, and get fit? It works for you.
So immediately following gym, I decided to go to Track. I don't know why I didn't just stay there, but don't judge me.
'sup today, future boyfriend?
Okosan, you're just too cool.
I told him I wanted to join the track team.
...what challenge? I just said I was gonna join the track team. There is no challenge.
So to join the team, I apparently need to beat him in either a sprint or a long distance race. I chose to sprint, as I think I could make it ten feet more easily than, say, 2 miles. Besides, he needs time to take off, right?
He beat me anyhow.
Shut up, Okosan.
Wait, he legitimately ran against me? If I lost a running match against a pigeon, I am weak. :/
My home sucks.
My diet and lifestyle may be contributing factors as to why I lost in a footrace against my pigeon boyfriend.
...and that's where I'm going to stop for now. Would folks like to see more or should I leave my pigeon wooing attempts for my eyes only? :X