Ignoring the SL partner
anonymous
September 10 2008, 17:32:03 UTC
"I think that for the sake of mental clarity it might often be important for a person to put Second Life partners out of their mind before making a decision about their First Life relationship. If you have a different point of view, though, please do post it somewhere I can read it!"
I definitely have a different point of view! The Second Life partner is a real person, too, after all, with real needs and feelings and obligations and so on. It would be wrong imho to just put them out of your mind when making a decision. If you've made promises to that person, then you've *made promises to that person*. The fact that it was done in SL doesn't mean that those promises magically evaporate. The SL partner can't be ignored any more than an RL partner could be if someone was cheating on a spouse with an RL partner. I'd be fascinated to hear an argument on the other side; the fact that SL wouldn't exist without RL seems entirely irrelevant to me...
Re: Ignoring the SL partnerkateamdahlSeptember 10 2008, 17:47:48 UTC
Thanks for commenting about this...it's such a difficult question to work out. I realized in reading your response that my reasoning really isn't entirely because of Second Life being (in my opinion) less important than First Life (yes, rebuttals to that are welcome), because I think the same thing about First Life affairs, that it's important to consider the base relationship before considering the affair.
Then again, maybe there's one pertinent question to think about with the affair before thinking about the base relationship, and that's this: is this relationship worth losing my main/First Life/base/marriage relationship over? If the answer's "yes", then at least a person knows which option to pick: the "announce it's over to your First Life partner" option.
And if the affair *isn't* more important than the base relationship, then the base relationship needs to take priority, I think.
Re: Ignoring the SL partner
anonymous
September 13 2008, 18:37:46 UTC
(me again) Sure, giving the base relationship -priority- in some sense is fine (in either case). I was objecting to the original wording, about putting the other party out of one's mind entirely. I think it's always wrong to ignore the needs and rights of someone involved in a situation. It's possible that someone else has a stronger claim or a prior claim, but it's still obligatory to take everyone's claims into account. If someone's make conflicting promises to an RL spouse and an SL lover, for instance, it might be right to keep the RL promise and break the SL one, but it's still right and proper to break the SL one in a considerate and humane way. That's the sort of thing I was trying to say... :)
Re: Ignoring the SL partnerkateamdahlSeptember 13 2008, 18:55:19 UTC
You know, I think there's still a tricky question here that you're bringing into the light, something I haven't fully figured out. It seems to me that if a person tries to figure out what to do about two relationships at the same time, it's hopelessly complicated because there are too many concerns involved and a lot of them are going to clash with each other...like not hurting the Second Life partner and not hurting the First Life partner. Somebody - maybe everybody - is probably going to be upset in some way, and it's probably necessary to accept that and try to minimize it
( ... )
Option 2 happened to me
anonymous
September 11 2008, 13:51:24 UTC
When i discovered the blatant infidelity that was going on in SL, I killed my partner's avatar in a fit of blind rage. Luckily i knew her password.
I found it extremely humiliating that she would violate the terms of our SL existence and partnership by proclaiming her undying love for me (RL and SL) in her profile, while secretly developing real emotional attachments for a couple of other guys -- and taking pictures of their SL sexual activities. So i killed her avatar, chopped it up into pieces, and buried the dregs in my backyard.
RL, we are working together on those "needs" that drove her to commit such destructive dishonesty that threatens our 19 year marriage as never before.
Honesty is always the best in RL & SL
anonymous
September 11 2008, 21:10:37 UTC
First thank you so much for such well thought out blog. Plus I like the fact you are more than willing to continue examining and reevaluating the subject
( ... )
Re: Honesty is always the best in RL & SLkateamdahlSeptember 11 2008, 21:40:26 UTC
Thank you for commenting, and I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts on this. I wonder if many people can (or do!) use Second Life in that way, to spice up their First Life sex lives with Second Life sexual play? For couples who feel comfortable with that approach, it sounds like a win-win to me! :)
Or maybe...
anonymous
September 11 2008, 23:36:38 UTC
....having an SL relationship while maintaining one in RL just shows that men and women need variety, full stop? Its seems to me people in SL run riot with "something on the side" all the while being in a committed RL relationship just because they can. Is SL infidelity necessarily a product of unfulfilled needs or a by-product of our inner makeup? Perhaps its the EASE at which we can engage in extra-partner affairs in SL that makes it so common place. Just wondering...
Re: Or maybe...kateamdahlSeptember 12 2008, 00:50:17 UTC
OK, that's an interesting question. But online affairs take time and effort. There are lots of things people could do with their time that wouldn't take the effort and planning and secrecy that virtual infidelity requires. Surely people are driven to do that kind of thing because they get something out of it that they can't get more easily elsewhere?
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I definitely have a different point of view! The Second Life partner is a real person, too, after all, with real needs and feelings and obligations and so on. It would be wrong imho to just put them out of your mind when making a decision. If you've made promises to that person, then you've *made promises to that person*. The fact that it was done in SL doesn't mean that those promises magically evaporate. The SL partner can't be ignored any more than an RL partner could be if someone was cheating on a spouse with an RL partner. I'd be fascinated to hear an argument on the other side; the fact that SL wouldn't exist without RL seems entirely irrelevant to me...
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Then again, maybe there's one pertinent question to think about with the affair before thinking about the base relationship, and that's this: is this relationship worth losing my main/First Life/base/marriage relationship over? If the answer's "yes", then at least a person knows which option to pick: the "announce it's over to your First Life partner" option.
And if the affair *isn't* more important than the base relationship, then the base relationship needs to take priority, I think.
What do you think? Is that closer to the mark?
^^^\ Kate /^^^
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I found it extremely humiliating that she would violate the terms of our SL existence and partnership by proclaiming her undying love for me (RL and SL) in her profile, while secretly developing real emotional attachments for a couple of other guys -- and taking pictures of their SL sexual activities. So i killed her avatar, chopped it up into pieces, and buried the dregs in my backyard.
RL, we are working together on those "needs" that drove her to commit such destructive dishonesty that threatens our 19 year marriage as never before.
Signed,
Slacker Husband.
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It sounds as though things are changing, though? I hope that picking up the pieces helps heal some of the damage that has been done.
^^^\ Kate /^^^
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^^^\ Kate /^^^
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^^^\ Kate /^^^
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http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-name-love/200809/is-chatting-cheating
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