Letting Go of Guilt
I did not have a typical childhood upbringing.
Does anyone have a typical upbringing? I think it's just Disney-ied idea that exists in our minds now.
Anyway. When I was 2 my mother dropped me off at my grandparents' house and didn't come back for 2 weeks. When she did come back my grandmother wouldn't let go with her.
My mother stayed in my life, but I never lived with her. I was there on weekends, we did birthday parties and trick or treating, but she didn't raise me. The older I got the more strained our relationship became.
She got married (to an asshole) and had 3 more kids. She got divorced, had a traumatic relationship with them and their father. I had grandparents that loved and spoiled me.
It was weird as the differences between my childhood and my sibling's childhood became more pronounced. My mother struggled with keeping a roof over their heads, keeping them fed, school fell to the wayside. I always had a bed, a meal and someone pushing me to do my best in school.
I've always felt a profound sense of guilt over that.
How different would their lives have been if they'd had the same opportunities that I did?
Would I have ended up differently if I didn't have those opportunities?
Now we're adults and I find myself letting them get away with behavior that I'd get pissed at if my friends acted the same way.
My brother drinks too much and starts a fight at a party? It's okay because he didn't have a strong father figure. My sister ditches me at a concert without telling anyone she's leaving? It's okay, she didn't have a stable home when she was little.
Now, I wonder am I doing them any favors? Am I doing myself a favor?
In some cases I can see that they use my deference to them in their favor. They've found the right phrase or look on their face that has me ponying up money for a dinner or a concert ticket or driving all over the place doing them favors.
I'm letting my guilt over being raised differently and my feelings over not having close relationships with them make me treat them differently. I'm putting them in little bubbles and waiting for them to grow into responsible adults.
But I'm enabling them to keep acting like the overgrown teenagers they are right now.
So now the question, how do I find the balance between reconciling my issues with our various childhoods and developing healthy relationships with them as adults?
Is it even possible?
Does anyone have a typical upbringing? I think it's just Disney-ied idea that exists in our minds now.
Anyway. When I was 2 my mother dropped me off at my grandparents' house and didn't come back for 2 weeks. When she did come back my grandmother wouldn't let go with her.
My mother stayed in my life, but I never lived with her. I was there on weekends, we did birthday parties and trick or treating, but she didn't raise me. The older I got the more strained our relationship became.
She got married (to an asshole) and had 3 more kids. She got divorced, had a traumatic relationship with them and their father. I had grandparents that loved and spoiled me.
It was weird as the differences between my childhood and my sibling's childhood became more pronounced. My mother struggled with keeping a roof over their heads, keeping them fed, school fell to the wayside. I always had a bed, a meal and someone pushing me to do my best in school.
I've always felt a profound sense of guilt over that.
How different would their lives have been if they'd had the same opportunities that I did?
Would I have ended up differently if I didn't have those opportunities?
Now we're adults and I find myself letting them get away with behavior that I'd get pissed at if my friends acted the same way.
My brother drinks too much and starts a fight at a party? It's okay because he didn't have a strong father figure. My sister ditches me at a concert without telling anyone she's leaving? It's okay, she didn't have a stable home when she was little.
Now, I wonder am I doing them any favors? Am I doing myself a favor?
In some cases I can see that they use my deference to them in their favor. They've found the right phrase or look on their face that has me ponying up money for a dinner or a concert ticket or driving all over the place doing them favors.
I'm letting my guilt over being raised differently and my feelings over not having close relationships with them make me treat them differently. I'm putting them in little bubbles and waiting for them to grow into responsible adults.
But I'm enabling them to keep acting like the overgrown teenagers they are right now.
So now the question, how do I find the balance between reconciling my issues with our various childhoods and developing healthy relationships with them as adults?
Is it even possible?