Poly subreddit tourists, and the mistakes I made

[kanzeon_2040]

I don't pay attention to Reddit every day, but when I do I'm struck by the sameness of it. The poly subreddit attracts a never-ending series of people who have the exact same problems and are looking for advice. They seem not to scroll down to see that nearly everybody else posting has the same problems they do

Comments

Part I

[matrixmann]

"if you aren't good at having one relationship, trying to have more than one isn't going to work either. Most relationship skills are the same regardless of how many relationships you have."

I think you got a strong point there...

Another thing that comes to mind for me here is: Why always the same problems and why do these things fail for the same reason?
I guess, the base scenario is nearly always the same too: A 2-people-relationship already lasts for years, and now the two get bored with each other. So they try to invite a third person into the game in order to stop being bored by each other.
- Which actually is the very wrong reason to start something like this, I think.
People aren't puppets, they have a will on their own and own needs. The only kind of people which follows your command like that is those which you pay for such actions/scenarios. And when it's a different person every time, so no bond creates and it's just simply about primitive drives

Part II

[matrixmann]

As far as I emotionally understand it until now: Look what works practically and what doesn't work. Don't try to press people into a concept which they personally don't want or aren't suitable for as a character. And recognize things which you regard as self-evident - they may not be so to someone else.

(I guess, the poly relationship complexes that live the best and longest are those which don't start with the dogma of strict monogamy. Either one already does what suits his/her needs and doesn't hide it, leaving it up to you to put of with that or to leave again, or you just enter the game with the base principle "Your needs and drives belong to you. You can do whatever you want with them. Only - regard these few rules.". (like e. g. "know where your home is - if you use me, your head's a wall decoration in my place"))

[gregmce]

Yes, you can be mistaken about what you want.

I think it's hard to separate what we want in theory what we want in reality until we turn those theories into reality and see how they play out. Nothing wrong with that, just the way life works.

[ahunter3]

I hear you.

The one that constantly has me shaking my head is couples thinking that the way to dip their toes into poly is to seek a third person for a triad. Yeesh. Triads are way complicated even if two of the three were NOT a prior couple, and all the more so when they ARE. I probably sound like a GarageBand audio loop but don't do that folks, just each of you be open to other girlfriends and/or boyfriends. Separately, not jointly.