Poly subreddit tourists, and the mistakes I made
I don't pay attention to Reddit every day, but when I do I'm struck by the sameness of it. The poly subreddit attracts a never-ending series of people who have the exact same problems and are looking for advice. They seem not to scroll down to see that nearly everybody else posting has the same problems they do.
Every day there's somebody who is monogamous and in a long-term relationship, but their partner has just "come out" as poly and they want advice. There's somebody else in a monogamous long-term relationship who has just "realized" they are poly and want advice. There are couples who have been in monogamous long-term relationships who have decided to "open up" their relationships and want to find a third, generally a bisexual woman, to join their heterosexual household. There are couples that decided to "open up" who are struggling with unexpected jealousy, with their partners breaking the rules they'd carefully crafted, or now one partner wants to "close back up" while the other doesn't.
I know poly isn't easy, though I think people forget that monogamy isn't easy either, we have a cultural bias toward monogamy that leads people to think that if you're in a monogamous relationship you must be fine, when lots of monogamous relationships involve physical & emotional abuse, nonconsensual sex, "dead bedrooms", cheating, and ultimately divorce.
But the way I think of poly, if you aren't good at having one relationship, trying to have more than one isn't going to work either. Most relationship skills are the same regardless of how many relationships you have.
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I would so do my poly relationships differently if I were starting over. My relationships with K and Ben are super relaxed, super sexy, and generally low-drama. I don't think T was ever suitable for a poly relationship with me, but we had a lot of other things in common back then, and he claimed to be OK with a poly relationship, and I took the poly things slowly ... and here I am still living with him all these years later, though we haven't had sex in years.
Probably shouldn't have had a relationship with T in the first place, or should've broken up with him instead of buying a house with him. But at the time I needed him. Then I felt I owed him. Then we were in a triad. Then I refused to break up with either of them, even as they broke up with each other. But my romantic relationship with T was effectively over when I failed to break up with K -- T was just too resentful of my continuing to see K. So, we live together ... for now ... but I know I'm eventually moving out ... and then Quarantine kind of froze everything ...
Starting over, I'd just be a lot more independent. I like having relationships with people who have other relationships. Ben lives with his partner, K lives with his partner, I have zero problem with being the so-called "third wheel". I think I'd continue looking for a combination of young fellas who want an older fuckbuddy, and older fellas who live with a partner but have common interests, such as kinks and board games.
Would I need to live with another human if I had a sufficient collection of other relationships? I think not, although I'd probably have pets, and I'd be open to living with somebody, especially if they were OK with my butt toy habit -- which T is not, which is a major reason for having the condo right now, and a major reason I think we aren't compatible even to live together over the long term. It's only workable right now because I literally have ANOTHER HOME.
Anyway. When I started out on this poly journey I wanted a primary relationship. I tried to have one with that guy David, but he was too fucking jealous. Then I tried to have one with Moose, but our mutual experimentations at being in a primary relationship were stressful over time. Then I tried to have one with T. I think my biggest mistake was thinking I wanted a primary relationship, and then second biggest mistake was thinking I wanted triads.
Yes, you can be mistaken about what you want.
What really works for me is being secondary to a bunch of fellas, and being friends with a bunch of fellas, all of whom already have primary relationships. I even get along better with T when he has a functioning relationship with B.
I don't want to be anybody's primary! And definitely don't want to be in a triad or anything that complicated.
I'm a relationship anarchist.
OK, time to go running, the sun is getting too high and it's way too humid.
Every day there's somebody who is monogamous and in a long-term relationship, but their partner has just "come out" as poly and they want advice. There's somebody else in a monogamous long-term relationship who has just "realized" they are poly and want advice. There are couples who have been in monogamous long-term relationships who have decided to "open up" their relationships and want to find a third, generally a bisexual woman, to join their heterosexual household. There are couples that decided to "open up" who are struggling with unexpected jealousy, with their partners breaking the rules they'd carefully crafted, or now one partner wants to "close back up" while the other doesn't.
I know poly isn't easy, though I think people forget that monogamy isn't easy either, we have a cultural bias toward monogamy that leads people to think that if you're in a monogamous relationship you must be fine, when lots of monogamous relationships involve physical & emotional abuse, nonconsensual sex, "dead bedrooms", cheating, and ultimately divorce.
But the way I think of poly, if you aren't good at having one relationship, trying to have more than one isn't going to work either. Most relationship skills are the same regardless of how many relationships you have.
-----
I would so do my poly relationships differently if I were starting over. My relationships with K and Ben are super relaxed, super sexy, and generally low-drama. I don't think T was ever suitable for a poly relationship with me, but we had a lot of other things in common back then, and he claimed to be OK with a poly relationship, and I took the poly things slowly ... and here I am still living with him all these years later, though we haven't had sex in years.
Probably shouldn't have had a relationship with T in the first place, or should've broken up with him instead of buying a house with him. But at the time I needed him. Then I felt I owed him. Then we were in a triad. Then I refused to break up with either of them, even as they broke up with each other. But my romantic relationship with T was effectively over when I failed to break up with K -- T was just too resentful of my continuing to see K. So, we live together ... for now ... but I know I'm eventually moving out ... and then Quarantine kind of froze everything ...
Starting over, I'd just be a lot more independent. I like having relationships with people who have other relationships. Ben lives with his partner, K lives with his partner, I have zero problem with being the so-called "third wheel". I think I'd continue looking for a combination of young fellas who want an older fuckbuddy, and older fellas who live with a partner but have common interests, such as kinks and board games.
Would I need to live with another human if I had a sufficient collection of other relationships? I think not, although I'd probably have pets, and I'd be open to living with somebody, especially if they were OK with my butt toy habit -- which T is not, which is a major reason for having the condo right now, and a major reason I think we aren't compatible even to live together over the long term. It's only workable right now because I literally have ANOTHER HOME.
Anyway. When I started out on this poly journey I wanted a primary relationship. I tried to have one with that guy David, but he was too fucking jealous. Then I tried to have one with Moose, but our mutual experimentations at being in a primary relationship were stressful over time. Then I tried to have one with T. I think my biggest mistake was thinking I wanted a primary relationship, and then second biggest mistake was thinking I wanted triads.
Yes, you can be mistaken about what you want.
What really works for me is being secondary to a bunch of fellas, and being friends with a bunch of fellas, all of whom already have primary relationships. I even get along better with T when he has a functioning relationship with B.
I don't want to be anybody's primary! And definitely don't want to be in a triad or anything that complicated.
I'm a relationship anarchist.
OK, time to go running, the sun is getting too high and it's way too humid.