[video] || [private]keptdownOctober 26 2010, 22:22:40 UTC
[it's her when he sees this. marianne vi britannia. the woman who did not care for her children, the woman that he, lelouch, and c.c. faced. the woman who stood beside her husband, beside charles, selfishly. the woman who didn't care about nunnally. that woman --
-- who did not deserve to live. he has to bite that back down his throat, seeing lelouch, knowing he's -- replying now. jumping out of the tree and already heading off before he speaks, quietly:]
Hey. Where are you, Lelouch?
[zero's mask and suit left back in the tree with his belt, as suzaku prefers the lighter clothing he has on (something back from that long lost childhood of his, perhaps the matsuri here even), and he's walking
( ... )
[audio] || [private]dramatic_capeOctober 27 2010, 00:36:04 UTC
[ Suzaku, Lelouch doesn't want to talk to you right now. He still feels sick, sick and strange. There is something wrong with the air, maybe. Or with him. ]
[reaction]/[audio][private]firebendingteaOctober 27 2010, 01:09:18 UTC
Lelouch.
[It was always hard to know what to say after a dream. But Iroh couldn't stay silent. He had seen too much about what war did to the young -- Lu Ten, dead; Azula driven to insanity by her father's ambitions; Zuko maimed and still recovering from the same father, bent but not broken. And... well, who knew what it had done to his generation.]
Perhaps the old wives' tale about avoiding naps after eating is correct.
[Humor helped, he hoped. It gave an opening at least, for this young man who wasn't his kin but could easily have been born to the Fire Nation Royal Family. ]
[Gau watches, because he almost feels, once he has seen the beginning, that he cannot not watch.
Not only does he watch. Once he has watched it, he walks over and turns out the light. He reaches for the Hitomi, pulls it to himself, and holds it clutched against him... so that he may feel.
He lies in darkness, alone, gasping for breath, and experiences every moment of it, every shred of pain.
He can't say why he does it. Is it -- Mother, missing your Mother, unable to avenge, unable to save, Mother -- or is it just that his mindset at the moment is rather... shaky?
When he's done, he flips on the voice, and speaks very quietly.]
I do hope you get more restful rest soon, Lelouch-san. And... I've felt a little like this.
[voice | private]dramatic_capeOctober 27 2010, 04:17:20 UTC
No, it's - I don't know why I brought it up. Forget it.
[ Lelouch's voice is still slightly hoarse. He's close to whispering, too, which doesn't help. ]
I saw Raikou the other day, when he got attacked by that - thing. You did a really good job patching him up. [ Oh, damn it, why is he thinking about that day? He'd really rather not. ]
[Reaction + Video]hirac_utzumOctober 28 2010, 01:54:56 UTC
[Elfangor's mouth runs dry as he watches Lelouch's dream play out. He'd suspected that Lelouch had experienced some terrible things in his own world--he would have had to, for there to be something that would drive him to ask his friend to kill him--but he did not know, not for certain, not until now.
To see what pain and guilt Lelouch carries... it strikes up something fierce within him. Oh, not any anger at him, but a recognition. A sense of I know this, I know what it is to feel this.
Because when you've been involved in war for long enough... when you've killed and done whatever was necessary to ensure victory, it changes you. It makes you persistently aware that there are circumstances, there are always circumstances, that will bring into question the very nature of what it is you fight for. (Freedom, hope, those whom you love...) And sometimes
( ... )
[video | private] much later, after suzaku leavesdramatic_capeOctober 28 2010, 02:36:08 UTC
I know that. [ This is a different Lelouch than the one Elfangor might be used to talking to. There's no faked cheer, or drunken distractability, or opaque politeness. There's something dark in his eyes, something usually hidden. He breaks eye contact with the camera often, something he's not wont to do. ] I know the consequences of war, Elfangor. I know what's necessary.
[ He is silent for a long time. Several times, Lelouch seems on the verge of saying something, but gets the better of himself, until: ]
Marco told me a little about the kinds of enemies you face.
[video | private]hirac_utzumOctober 28 2010, 02:57:51 UTC
Do you?
[There is no sarcasm - only an almost gentle curiosity.]
Then you must know it's also necessary to live with yourself and whatever you've done. You can't do that if you let the guilt consume you. Lelouch, I know what it is to live like that, and it... [He breaks off, eyes darting away. There's something there, in the edges, that only those touched by war could recognize: something wild, scrambling to get free, only tenuously restrained.] It only makes you crazy.
[He knew that Marco had told Lelouch something of the war back home, but not exactly what that was. But now, he thinks he can figure that out well enough.]
If he told you... then why? Why think that anything you might do could compare to Yeerk infestation?
[video | private]dramatic_capeOctober 28 2010, 03:33:11 UTC
[ Marco had told him. The people with Yeerks in their skulls could not control their actions, were nothing but passengers in their own bodies. Rationally, Lelouch knew it wasn't quite the same. The Geass erased the memory of its use - and he knew this personally to be true because he'd used it on himself that time with Mao. It's not exactly the same. Not exactly. But comparable. Perhaps even worse. The Yeerks can't crush free will. They could not force a person in their heart of hearts to choose to do what they would never do.
But I could. That thought. That unthinkable thought. It's the kind that curls up his spine at night. Whispers in serpentine hisses. Three words. But I could. Should he? No. Would he? Not unless it were necessary. But he could. He could
( ... )
[The last time Marco sees somebody dreaming about him, Iruka dreamed of Bob Junior cutting Marco up while halfway in llama morph for dinner. Oddly enough, Marco prefers that than to this. Because it gives the implication of Lelouch does in his world that doesn't sit well him, purely on the fact Marco has fought against the Yeerks for so long.
Marco wants to lie to himself that it's just a dream, that it means nothing. But all he has to do is look into his own dreams broadcasted on the networks and understand that dreams here have a little more truth than what they do back home. There's something about Kannagara that undoubtedly brings out the worse in you and occasional glimpses of the best.
But what can Marco say to Lelouch?
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Because Lelouch doesn't want to talk about that.
What's in the dream is something he doesn't want to talk about to people he barely knows and when he does, it's for his closest friends from his world. What is in the dream is something you have to decide for yourself. To get up
( ... )
[Private] [Video] dramatic_capeOctober 28 2010, 03:50:42 UTC
I didn't know you could be allergic to DNA.
[ The distant tension is almost palpable, even though they aren't speaking face-to-face. Lelouch knows Marco is just saying things. Saying things just to say them. It's a coping mechanism, yeah. It's a way to get by. Probably healthier than saying nothing at all. Maybe. ]
Anyway. I probably won't be the last to dream about her. She was... [ Pause, to find a word. ] Unsettling.
Comments 77
-- who did not deserve to live. he has to bite that back down his throat, seeing lelouch, knowing he's -- replying now. jumping out of the tree and already heading off before he speaks, quietly:]
Hey. Where are you, Lelouch?
[zero's mask and suit left back in the tree with his belt, as suzaku prefers the lighter clothing he has on (something back from that long lost childhood of his, perhaps the matsuri here even), and he's walking ( ... )
Reply
Where else would I be?
[ His voice is hoarse from coughing. ]
Reply
Where are you exactly? [pressing for an answer, before he tries to find him blindly. lord knows he'll look all week.]
Reply
Kusasato. Third house to the north. The one with the badly-constructed back door. [ At least they fixed the unicorn hole before it got really cold. ]
Reply
[It was always hard to know what to say after a dream. But Iroh couldn't stay silent. He had seen too much about what war did to the young -- Lu Ten, dead; Azula driven to insanity by her father's ambitions; Zuko maimed and still recovering from the same father, bent but not broken. And... well, who knew what it had done to his generation.]
Perhaps the old wives' tale about avoiding naps after eating is correct.
[Humor helped, he hoped. It gave an opening at least, for this young man who wasn't his kin but could easily have been born to the Fire Nation Royal Family. ]
Reply
[ He's done with niceties. There is something he can feel in the air itself. There is something wrong, somewhere. ]
Since that goddess spoke on the network, something hasn't felt right. Do you feel the same way?
Reply
[Iroh considered it.]
Perhaps a bit of a chill in the air. I'd assumed it was just the turning of the seasons, but...
Reply
[ But, all the same... ]
Reply
Not only does he watch. Once he has watched it, he walks over and turns out the light. He reaches for the Hitomi, pulls it to himself, and holds it clutched against him... so that he may feel.
He lies in darkness, alone, gasping for breath, and experiences every moment of it, every shred of pain.
He can't say why he does it. Is it -- Mother, missing your Mother, unable to avenge, unable to save, Mother -- or is it just that his mindset at the moment is rather... shaky?
When he's done, he flips on the voice, and speaks very quietly.]
I do hope you get more restful rest soon, Lelouch-san. And... I've felt a little like this.
Reply
Gau. It's been a while.
[ He pauses. For a long time. ]
There are things... I don't really like to talk about. Things I'm not proud of.
Reply
But he does, because he hasn't spoken to Lelouch in a long while, and he feels sorry for that.]
It's been way too long. I'm sorry. My life has been... things have been... odd.
[He shrugs his shoulders, too used to using video to remember that Lelouch can't see him. The movement comes across in a rustle of fabric.]
It's all right if you don't want to talk about it.
Reply
[ Lelouch's voice is still slightly hoarse. He's close to whispering, too, which doesn't help. ]
I saw Raikou the other day, when he got attacked by that - thing. You did a really good job patching him up. [ Oh, damn it, why is he thinking about that day? He'd really rather not. ]
Reply
To see what pain and guilt Lelouch carries... it strikes up something fierce within him. Oh, not any anger at him, but a recognition. A sense of I know this, I know what it is to feel this.
Because when you've been involved in war for long enough... when you've killed and done whatever was necessary to ensure victory, it changes you. It makes you persistently aware that there are circumstances, there are always circumstances, that will bring into question the very nature of what it is you fight for. (Freedom, hope, those whom you love...) And sometimes ( ... )
Reply
[ He is silent for a long time. Several times, Lelouch seems on the verge of saying something, but gets the better of himself, until: ]
Marco told me a little about the kinds of enemies you face.
Reply
[There is no sarcasm - only an almost gentle curiosity.]
Then you must know it's also necessary to live with yourself and whatever you've done. You can't do that if you let the guilt consume you. Lelouch, I know what it is to live like that, and it... [He breaks off, eyes darting away. There's something there, in the edges, that only those touched by war could recognize: something wild, scrambling to get free, only tenuously restrained.] It only makes you crazy.
[He knew that Marco had told Lelouch something of the war back home, but not exactly what that was. But now, he thinks he can figure that out well enough.]
If he told you... then why? Why think that anything you might do could compare to Yeerk infestation?
Reply
But I could. That thought. That unthinkable thought. It's the kind that curls up his spine at night. Whispers in serpentine hisses. Three words. But I could. Should he? No. Would he? Not unless it were necessary. But he could. He could ( ... )
Reply
Marco wants to lie to himself that it's just a dream, that it means nothing. But all he has to do is look into his own dreams broadcasted on the networks and understand that dreams here have a little more truth than what they do back home. There's something about Kannagara that undoubtedly brings out the worse in you and occasional glimpses of the best.
But what can Marco say to Lelouch?
Nothing.
Nothing at all.
Because Lelouch doesn't want to talk about that.
What's in the dream is something he doesn't want to talk about to people he barely knows and when he does, it's for his closest friends from his world. What is in the dream is something you have to decide for yourself. To get up ( ... )
Reply
[Yeah. Pure bullshit way to deal. But Marco is a master of bullshit, and he suspects so is Lelouch, so it can go either way.]
Also: I expect people would be getting a lot of nightmares from that dead lady pretty soon.
Reply
[ The distant tension is almost palpable, even though they aren't speaking face-to-face. Lelouch knows Marco is just saying things. Saying things just to say them. It's a coping mechanism, yeah. It's a way to get by. Probably healthier than saying nothing at all. Maybe. ]
Anyway. I probably won't be the last to dream about her. She was... [ Pause, to find a word. ] Unsettling.
Reply
Reply
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