OmegaCon (After the Flaw: Oligarchy, Chapter 24)
Title: OmegaCon (After the Flaw: Oligarchy, Chapter 24)
Author: kanedax
Spoilers: Previous Chapters
Rating: R for language
Summary: Harry Potter confronts fandom.
Notes: I'm not judging. Okay, maybe I am. A little. Satirically. But boy it's fun.
If you haven't already, please take my reader's poll regarding my posting schedule.
I own these characters. The others belong to JK Rowling.
Final Preparations / Previous Chapters / Zero Hour
"Did you ever have the feeling like you were living in a story?" Harry Potter asked as he looked around the convention center ballroom. "Like everything that you've ever done, ever thought, is because some author in another world decided that it was going to happen? Like, I don't know, they were sitting on a train and said 'Hey, I have a brilliant idea!', and, poof, there you were?"
"If you asked me that a year ago, I would have laughed," said Dean Thomas, his eyes wide. "Now? Not so sure."
The ballroom was packed. At the front was a long folding table, covered by a white plastic cloth, four microphones, and a pitcher of water. The table itself elevated a series of platforms so it could be seen over the rows and rows of stackable chairs that were lined across the ballroom's floor. The room itself was at near capacity, with Muggles from ages five to fifty packed into every available space. Most of them were dressed normally: jeans, sweaters, t-shirts. Street wear. Many of them looked like what you would normally expect when you heard the phrase "Science Fiction Convention." You had Trekkies, your Jedi, your superheroes and cartoon characters and Hobbits.
But then there were the others.
Muggles in Quidditch robes. Muggles in Hogwarts robes. Muggles in Death Eater robes and dress robes and deep blue robes that reminded Harry painfully of the late Albus Dumbledore. These latter were usually clad, as well, in tall blue hats and long, fake white beards. Many Muggles were dressed just like wizards look if they were trying to dress like Muggles, with mismatched, misapplied, and outright inappropriate clothing.
There were boys with fake scars drawn onto their faces and stuffed owls on their shoulders, greasy men with lank hair and shredded Azkaban robes, girls with fake Time-Turners around their necks and hair so curled and bushy that Harry knew they wouldn't be caught dead looking like that outside of the building. He had an eleven-year-old daughter who would spend an hour in the bathroom making sure that her hair didn't look like that, so he assumed that it still wasn't very fashionable in the Muggle world, either. Of course, he'd never tell Hermione that...
And everywhere there were fake wands, and fake broomsticks, and fake Swords of Gryffindor. People in Quirrell-like turbans and Hagrid-like wigs and Voldemort-like skull caps. And there were more, and more, and more, everywhere he looked there were Muggles who seemed like they wanted nothing more than to be Jimmy Porter and his friends, which meant that they wanted nothing more than to be Harry Potter and his friends.
"There is definitely a weird meta thing going," said Teddy as the three men, along with Hermione Caroline and Hermione Jean, found seats near the back of the room. "It's like they took all your lives and gave it a JJ Abrams reboot."
"I have no idea what that means," Jean hissed under her breath, "but would you all please watch what you're saying? Just because they're all dressed like this doesn't mean that you can talk about whatever you want around them."
"Sorry," said Harry, who had caught a glimpse of an attractive redhead girl, no more than twenty, wearing so little clothing that it was amazing she had even made it across the parking lot without catching frostbite on her--
"Is that supposed to be Ginny?" Dean muttered to Harry.
"Yes? No?" Harry shrugged. "That's her, um, evil twin? Evil... merged... thing?"
"Dark Gwen," said Caroline with an appreciative nod. "Good fabric work on that costume."
"What fabric?" Jean said, aghast. "She's wearing two postage stamps and a shoestring!"
"No, she's not," Harry retored. "More like, um, two pieces of masking tape in a strategic V formation? And if you even for a second," he added, pointing to Dean, "start imagining Ginny in that outfit, I'm going to--"
"Too late," Dean said with a shake of his head as two teenage girls sidled their way into the row in front of them.
"Wow!" said one of the girls, flashing her braces as she examined Teddy. "Nice costume!"
"Thanks!" said Teddy with a proud smile.
"Did you make it yourself?" the girl, wearing a Simon Tanaka Is My Professor t-shirt, asked.
"You could say that," said Teddy, brushing his sleeveless yellow jacket proudly. Caroline snorted laughter under her breath, knowing full well that it was simply a vest that he had bought second-hand and Transfigured yesterday afternoon.
"How did you get your hair like that?" asked the other girl. "That must have taken a ton of bleach jobs!"
"Yeah, it's a little crinkly," Teddy lied through his teeth, running his hand through his gray-blue locks. "I'll probably have to shave it off and grow it back afterwards, but it was definitely worth it."
"Oh, definitely!" said the two girls with a giggle that caused Caroline to roll her eyes. "You should sign up for Masquerade," the first girl added. "You'd place, easily."
"Thanks," Teddy said again, knowing full well that entering a Muggle contest using enchanted equipment would violate the terms of the Statute. "I'll have to see what my schedule's looking like."
"Who are you supposed to be again?" Harry asked Teddy as the two girls continued their way down the aisle.
"Riku?" said Teddy. "From Kingdom Hearts? That game I played all the time with the Disney--"
"Never mind, I'm old," Harry said, waving him off as the audience began to roar. A man had jumped up onto the stage and jogged over to the microphone on the far left end of the table.
"Afternoon, everyone!" the man said loudly into the microphone. "How's everyone enjoying OmegaCon so far? That's great!" he said after the audience's cheered approval died down. "My name's Taylor Jacobs, I am the vice chairman of the OmegaCon committee, and it is my great, great pleasure to have been chosen to emcee this extremely special guest panel."
As the man spoke, Jean pulled a notepad and pen from her purse and began writing. After a few seconds, though, she cursed silently and clicked the button on the end of the pen. Harry chuckled; she was so used to using quills that she had forgotten that it was a ballpoint.
"Now I could go into a huge speech about how much of an honor it is to see so many faces out there today," Taylor continued, "or about all of the hard work and dedication that has been put in over the last days and weeks and months by our fabulous volunteers--" He was cut off by the crowd once again cheering, and he waited for it to subside before continuing, "--but we have so much to talk about and so little time to do it and, quite frankly, who wants to hear me anyway, right? So, without further ado, let me first introduce a man who have seen on the big screen in such films as Rampage and The Dark Tower, and on the small screen as The Informant. Oh, who am I kidding? He's our Professor Presto! France Clancy!"
The audience broke into screaming cheers as a silver-haired man in a nice suit climbed the steps and took a seat on the far end of the table from the emcee, waving to the audience and pouring himself a glass of water.
"Next," Taylor said, "we have a woman whose acting chops stretch so far that, in the same year, she won an Academy Award for Memories of the Heart and a Saturn for her portrayal of Wonder Woman in Justice League. She uses that same broad range in Jimmy Porter, as the voice of both Sally Guildenstern and, I bet you didn't know this, the vocal sample for the Enchanted Forest's Spider Queen! Ladies and gentlemen, Genevieve Thompson!"
Wolf whistles were intermixed this time as the raven-haired woman, Amazon-like in her stature, sat down beside Clancy.
"And finally, the man you've all been waiting for," said Taylor after the crowd's applause for Thompson died down. "You've seen his work on Carbine, Two-Tunes Tommy, and far too many Cartoon Network programmes to list. But all we care about today is that he gave us the vision, the style, that is uniquely Porter. Simon! Tanaka!"
The assembled fans rose to their feet and cheered as Tanaka jumped onto the stage. In his early thirties, slightly overweight and with a black string beard that matched his black messy hair, he looked like he came from both European and Asian parentage, Unlike France, Taylor, and Genevieve, who were all dressed business casual, Simon's bright floral Hawaiian shirt, untucked over baggy shorts and Airwalk trainers, showed off more than a bit of low-key eccentricity for such a high-profile event. Indeed, he raised his arms over his head right before he sat down, practically begging the audience to rise up in fits of glee unheard of for the previous introductions. The audience, of course, responded with gusto, to the point where Dean and Harry flinched at the copius amounts of high-pitched squeals from the largely female fanbase. Jean, however, looked over at the Lupins to discover, with more than a little amusement, that they were both on their feet, cheering and screaming along with the rest of the Muggles.
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The following are highlighted excerpts from the Adventures of Jimmy Porter panel discussion at OmegaCon, London, January 4th, 2020. Transcript prepared by Hermione Weasley, DoMLE Head. Prepared questions were first asked by Taylor Jacobs, Muggle, and then by various Muggles in the audience. Interviewees included France Clancy, Muggle actor; Simon Tanaka, Muggle artist; and Genevieve Thompson, Muggle actress.
On hand for this discussion were Dean Thomas, Head of DoMLE's Muggle Liaison Office; Harry Potter, Muggle Liaison; Theodore Lupin, private wizarding citizen; and Hermione Lupin, private Muggle citizen with wizarding connections.
JACOBS: So, is everyone ready to answer some questions?
TANAKA: Let's do it!
JACOBS: These questions are all from actual Jimmy Porter fans, compiled from the Porter Message Board at the official Jimmy Porter website. The first one comes from PorterPhile in New York: How did you first get involved with Jimmy Porter? How did you and Tsunami first hook up and come up with this idea?
TANAKA: Well, it's Tsunami, you know? The man's a friggin genius. When he comes to you with an idea, you just have to do it. And the ideas that he came up with were just so visually appealing... Well, he had sent me this email back in, oh, late '15, early '16, I think? It was just one simple statement: Kid goes to wizard school. The next thing I knew, I had drawn up a notebook full of sketches, and I hadn't even given him an answer.
JACOBS: And those sketches became the basis for Jimmy Porter?
TANAKA: The basis. The really early basis. Like I said, I only had the one phrase to go with. But Tsu's the man, he's the writer, he's the brains. So we started emailing each other back and forth. He tossed me ideas, I tossed him ideas. The product just developed from there.
JACOBS: So how much of those early sketches would you say are actually in Porter?
TANAKA: Oh, I don't know... Ten percent? Five percent? Jimmy himself came from his original design. Minus the scar, of course. Presto, since he's just so... wizardy, you know? He's just so... historically magical--
CLANCY: Merlin, Gandalf...
TANAKA: Merlin, Gandalf, Gygax's D&D wizards, absolutely, it's such a archetypical look, it was hard to get wrong. Even though, actually, I thought I had gone too archetype, but that's exactly the look that Tsu was looking for, at least for Presto. So, you know... Bonus.
JACOBS: France, did you look to those same sources of inspiration to find the voice of Presto?
CLANCY: Well, of course. McKellen's Gandalf, Swenson's Merlin from the old Disney cartoon. A bit of the Wizard of Oz, some Alec Guiness--
THOMPSON: Obi-Wan! I thought I heard that in there somewhere...
CLANCY: [laughing] How can you not put that old wizard into the pantheon?
TANAKA: It really came out in the last episode of season one.
CLANCY: Best time for Presto to get wisened is when he's talking to Jimmy about his history. Guiness fit perfectly there.
JACOBS: [To CLANCY and THOMPSON] So how did you two get involved? You're both such accomplished actors in your own right. Why an animated series?
THOMPSON: Well, because I don't have to spend an hour in the makeup chair every morning. [laughter from the audience] I'm serious! I can just walk into the studio in my grubbies, stand in front of the microphone for two hours, and I'm on my way.
CLANCY: You mean you wear grubbies? Rick just lets me strip down to my boxers. [laughter and whistling]
JACOBS: Really helps with the process?
CLANCY: Well, it's not like Presto's wearing pants under those robes. Helps me get into character. No! No, I'm joking! Please don't post that on the message boards, I get enough weird fan mail as it is. No, but seriously, it's more than the easy work hours.
THOMPSON: Exactly. Porter, it's so much more work, so much more commitment, than if you went in to do, say, a Pixar movie or Shrek or something like that. It's a seven-series commitment, at least.
JACOBS: So seven series is the word, then?
TANAKA: Oh, man, we sure hope so. Just everyone keep watching, keep downloading, and we'll make sure that we can get to seven seasons... series... whatever. I'm American, sue me.
CLANCY: Seven's the hope. That's what Tsunami told us when we first came on board, he has a seven year plan for the story.
JACOBS: And you know the plan?
THOMPSON: Bits and pieces.
JACOBS: Can you tell us anything about that plan?
THOMPSON: If I did, I'd have to kill you. And, well, that'd be a lot of people to kill, big full hall like this. I can tell you the obvious: Jimmy fights Kadaver.
JACOBS: Wow. Really going out on a limb there, aren't you? [audience laughs]
THOMPSON: I'm a rebel.
JACOBS: I could see how Clancy could get on board for seven series, at least. It's not like Presto's a front-and-center character. But, Genevieve, Sally Guildenstern is just a massive task, isn't she? She's in every episode of every series. Aren't you afraid that that's going to impede your work on, say, Justice League 2?
TANAKA: I love how no one's worried about how she's going to follow up her Oscar performance. Everyone's worried about the superhero flick. [laughs] I love fandom.
THOMPSON: You'd think Sally's a lot of work, but she's really not. I can do maybe a series worth of recordings in a weekend, so far. I'm looking at a little more in the next few series, since the commitment by the BBC's letting us have more episodes, but--
JACOBS: So series four is still under construction? Simon?
TANAKA: Yeah, definitely. Expect maybe a year before series four is ready to go. Oh, come on now... [audience groans disapproval] You're all spoiled, aren't you? We shouldn't have been so nice.
JACOBS: Why such a long gap after pumping out the first three series so fast?
TANAKA: Well, we already had the first two series ready to roll even before the BBC picked us up. We knew that this show couldn't go anywhere but prime time, and it's still really hard to get a prime time, animated, action-based serial running. You can have your Simpsons or your Family Guys or whatever, but their impact is so much less.
JACOBS: They're a half hour, they're comedies, they're--
TANAKA: They're isolated. Easily syndicated. Lots of money goes into their production, and they need to be made up somehow. Syndication pays a lot of those shows bills. Hell, it pays the bills for most shows, but animated shows are a whole other beast. Especially with Porter, which is, again, an hour, action, and really linear. You can't break them up into bite-sized pieces...
JACOBS: Shows like Lost, Heroes, 24--
TANAKA: All really hard to syndicate. Shows like Porter, they're easy to sell to Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network, but to get it onto a network, we had to have two seasons lined up and ready to go.
JACOBS: Voice talent and all?
TANAKA: Well, no. Voices for the first two seasons, at least the seasons that we sold the BBC, were done by me and some of my friends. Rick, our producer, was Randall; his wife was Sally. I got my mom to come in for a few characters; it was a hoot.
JACOBS: a Hoot Hoot, yeah?
TANAKA: A Hoot Hoot, yeah. But once we got the green light from the BBC, we found our voice talent and recorded their sessions with seasons one and two while prepping season three.
JACOBS: That's still a lot of work.
TANAKA: Well, I go by the Parker Stone method. They could pump out episodes of South Park two days after the subject matter became topical. Obviously, we're not construction paper and computers, and obviously we don't have three people doing all of the voices like they did, but I did learn how they managed their time, and we've been able to release episodes faster because of it.
JACOBS: Now, I know that you can't say anything about how the whole thing's going to end, but can you give us any tidbits about series four?
TANAKA: Wow, funny you should ask, Taylor! I just happen to have brought a few sketches--
[rest of phrase drowned out by audience]
JACOBS: I think they like that idea.
TANAKA: I think they do. Well, we might as well get to it, huh? But a few things I wanted to say first. Season four is going to be long. We're looking at twice as many episodes as we had in the previous three seasons.
JACOBS: And that's the plan for series five through seven, as well?
TANAKA: Here's hoping. I'm really excited about season four, because we're going to be introducing a lot of new elements into the series. We're going to have international schools, and professional Broomball, and just a lot of new characters. It's going to be fun.
JACOBS: International schools? We're going to be travelling?
TANAKA: Can't give that much away. But I'm really excited to see what everyone thinks. Because the characters are older, we're going back to the original designs and aging them up a bit. Eleven doesn't look much older than twelve, but now that they're fourteen and fifteen--
JACOBS: Going to sex them up a bit?
[audience laughs and whistles]
THOMPSON: Bad choice of phrase for a bunch of fourteen year olds, isn't it, Jacobs?
TANAKA: Well, in a sense, yeah, we are going to... um... sex them up. They're growing up. They're not adults, but they're not kids, either. We're hoping to make them look more like teenagers in this next season, especially since, as teenagers, they'll start looking at each other in different ways.
JACOBS: Relationships?
TANAKA: Relationships. By the end of season four, most everyone will have at least an interest in someone. Very Gossip Girl.
CLANCY: Oh, Lord, I hope it doesn't go that far.
JACOBS: So Jimmy and Sally are going to finally hook up?
[audience reaction is mixed, but vocal, with as many boos as there are cheers]
THOMPSON: Now that is something I can't give away.
TANAKA: Nor will I. Let's just say that you'll be surprised...
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"So what do you think?" asked Dean an hour later, as the crowd began to disburse. Some left for the doors, but others queued up in front of two tables set at ground level, where Simon, Genevieve, and France were now preparing to hand out autographs.
"I don't know," said Jean. "Tanaka's not letting on as much as he knows, I know that. No way those designs are pure coincidence. But they all say that Tsunami has a seven-year plan. He's the one who had the initial idea, and he has a seven-year plan. Harry?"
"I think there's only one way to find out," said Harry. "Want to get an autograph?"
"Let's do it," said Dean. "We'd better get in line fast, though. These Muggles are popular."
"Is it okay if we head back out to the convention?" Caroline asked. "I'm not much of an autograph person, and, well..."
"We have a feeling this meeting's going to get pretty Ministerial," said Teddy under his breath. "We'd feel weird sitting in on it."
"No, go ahead," said Harry. "Meet us back here in, say, an hour and a half? What do you think, Hermione?"
"Hour and a half should be more than enough time," said Jean. "Have fun," she said, giving her sister's arm a gentle squeeze. Caroline gave a smile back and, taking her husband's hand, left the ballroom for the convention center beyond, being careful not to bump too many people in the crowd with her broomstick.
As the three Ministry officials queued up, Hermione's pen still endlessly flying across her notebook, Harry's eyes kept drifting back to the front of the ballroom. There, projected in full color on the room's white draw-down screen, stood three figures. Although highly caricatured, they were instantly recognizable as Fleur Delacour, Viktor Krum, and Cedric Diggory. Seeing Cedric's face, a face that wasn't as obviously cartoony as Viktor's heavy brow, struck home Harry's feelings about this Jimmy Porter fiasco more than anything.
It was one thing for Tanaka and Tsunami and whoever else was involved to take his life, the lives of his friends, and put them on such distorted display. But it was Cedric that hurt. It was Sirius that hurt. And Dumbledore and Fred and Dobby and Colin Creevey. It was these people, people Harry had cared about, being put up on the screen, twisted like they were mere playthings for the creators. And what made it worse, even worse than that, was how popular these versions were becoming. They were becoming legendary in the minds of Muggles. It hurt Harry to know that Muggles would always see Professor Presto as an absent-minded goofball, or Orion Blanc as a psychotic killer. Whether redeemed or not, the picture painted in the first image was that of a twisted, murderous villain.
He was afraid that they would see Jimmy's own parents as some kind of superpowered 007s, hunted by Kadaver for their constant meddling. Because, in the end, perception is reality. If they thought that way about these fictional characters, then didn't that mean they felt that way about the real thing?
So lost in his thoughts, Harry didn't realize that they had reached the front of the queue until Hermione popped him with an elbow.
"So," said Simon Tanaka, reaching over to the side for a photocopied version of Jimmy, Sally, and Randall, "who do I make this out to?"
"Harry," he said. "Harry Potter."
Simon paused, his felt pen poised over the page. He looked up at Harry. His eyes continued moving, up at his scar.
"Holy shit," Simon breathed. "It's you." He quickly jumped out of his chair, knocking it over and backing away, terrified.
"What's wrong?" Hermione said with calming sweetness, knowing that they were causing a scene. "That's not how I'd expect someone to react after seeing their ex-girlfriend after all these years."
"I'm gay," Simon said, obviously not sure why he was even saying it.
"That's not how I'd expect someone to react after seeing their ex-boyfriend after all these years," Dean quickly corrected, patting Harry on the shoulder.
"You're not in trouble," said Harry, stepping around the table. As he did, Simon backed up a few more steps. "We're just here to talk."
"Mr. Tanaka, is there a problem?" asked one of the security guards, quickly approaching the table. Simon looked at the guard, then back at Harry. His eyes found Hermione, and they widened even more. He recognized her as well as he recognized Harry.
"You know us, Mr. Tanaka," said Hermione, trying her best to be both clear to Simon yet unthreateningly vague to the other Muggles now looking on. "There's no trouble here. You know who we represent, so you know why we're here. We just want to talk. That's all."
Simon looked around the room, back at Hermione and Dean. His eyes, however, kept finding Harry and, most obviously, Harry's scar.
"Nothing to see here!" Simon yelled, raising his hands. "False alarm! I'm fine! We're all fine!"
The crowd of Muggles let out a collective sigh of relief as Simon re-approached the table and, leaning in to Harry, muttered,
"It's not like you guys are going to let me go anyway, right?"
"We'd rather not," said Harry.
"Go wait over there," Simon said, pointing to a bare patch of wall. "Let me finish my fans, and we'll talk afterwards. Cool?"
"Cool," said Harry, motioning for Hermione and Dean to follow him.
"Well, that answered one question," said Hermione, leaning against the wall, her arms crossed. "He obviously knows us."
"But do we know him?" asked Dean. "He doesn't look familiar."
"Not at all," Harry said. "But we can assume he's Muggle, or else he would have pulled a wand on us. Now we just have to find out who he really is, how much he knows, and how he learned it..."
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"Oh, it's so obvious! Jimmy and Sally are perfect for each other!"
"And how does that work?" the fanboy, dressed in a Jimmy Porter t-shirt, asked as he leaned against the dealer's table.
"Well, one, they're so close to each other," said the dealer, adjusting his boxes of Jimmy Porter action figures. "You write a female sidekick with that much screen time, they're obviously building towards the big hookup. Besides, there's the chemistry factor, the whole Mulder and Scully thing. They're perfect for each other."
"Alright, so there's sexual tension," the fanboy responded. "But that doesn't mean anything. What about Gwen?"
"What about her?"
"First girl that Jimmy ever saw. First girl that ever had an obvious crush on Jimmy..."
"...Which she'll outgrow by the end of the series," said the dealer. "She's the Xander to Jimmy's Buffy. Hell, she's not even Xander, she's Jonathan to his Buffy. She has a thing for him now, yeah, but she'll learn her place soon enough and move on with, I don't know, Orville or Dan or that Cyrus character that Tanaka just showed off. Obviously he's going to be there to be a relationship conflict. Meanwhile, look at Jimmy and Sally: good friends, lots of close scrapes. And look at their Beastials!"
"What about them?"
"Aquila and Aquarius? They could have come up with so many other names, but they came up with two that sounded so close to each other. It's an obvious match."
"Am I the only one completely weirded out that so many people want Harry to hook up with my sister?" Hermione asked Teddy quietly as they looked through a box of comic books at an adjacent table.
"I'm rooting for Jimmy and Nero," said a girl in a Sailor Moon outfit, joining the heated discussion. "That'd be hot."
"Yeah, whatever," said the fanboy with a snort. "Yaoi lover."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Because they hate each other! And it's gay!"
"What's wrong with gay?"
"Nothing's wrong with gay," said the dealer quickly. "But they're nemesises... nemisi... nemisees? That's like Batman doing it with The Joker."
"Heath Ledger Joker or Jack Nicholson Joker?" asked the fanboy.
"Does it matter?" the dealer asked with a look of disgust.
"Mark Hamill Joker had a lot going for him in the Animated Series," the girl interjected. "I could see that relationship working."
"You might as well say that Jimmy's OTP is with Snively."
"Okay, now I'm going to be sick," Teddy groaned.
"Let's get out of here," Hermione said, grabbing his arm and ushering him away from the debate. The Lupins spent the next ten minutes walking up and down aisles of toy and gift salesmen, comic book and manga collectors, and table after table of amateur artists. Many of them were selling their own independent graphic novels (free autograph from someone you've never heard of with purchase!), while others were simply handing out their works for free while selling hand-drawn art on the side.
It was at one of these tables that Teddy and Hermione eventually stopped. A ponytailed man sat at the table with a tablet of paper and a mug (big with the Doctor Who logo on the front) filled with a collection of pencils, pens, and felt tips. COMMISSIONS FOR SALE, the hand-drawn sign above the booth read. 20 FOR INKED, 30 FOR COLOR, 10 FOR EACH ADDITIONAL CHARACTER.
"So what do you think?" asked Teddy. "Want to get something?"
"Really?" said Hermione, lighting up. "Yes yes yes!"
"So what can I do for you?" the artist asked. "Let me guess... Porter?" he said, looking at Hermione's costume.
"Umm, sure," said Hermione.
"Not like I've been drawing anything else today," he said, pulling out his tablet. "Which character?"
"Sally's little sister," said Teddy, giving Hermione a smirk.
The artist paused over the paper, then looked up. "Sally has a sister?"
"Well, we read some weird fanfiction," Hermione giggled.
"Not too surprising," the artist said, shaking his head. "Friggin' Mary Sues everywhere. Any description?"
"I don't know," Teddy shrugged. "Younger sister, blond, not so much of a bookworm as Sally."
"I can pull that off," said the artist, beginning his sketch. "Hell, for all we know, she might even have a sister. It's not like they ever talk about her family on the show."
"You know, I never really noticed," Hermione said. Which was true. She supposed that was probably why she and Teddy had been able to get into the programme so much more than the others. Hermione's sister was up there, of course, and Teddy's father had just recently made his first appearance in the form of Romulus Logan. But Charlotte and Daniel Granger had been suspiciously absent from the series so far, which had, Hermione now suspected, probably allowed her to keep some sort of mental distance from the storyline.
"Well, sure," said the artist. "We know all the Wallenbys, even down to the two brothers not at the Academy. We know the Draconises and the Pups and the Goodmoons. But why no Guildensterns?"
"That is odd," said Teddy with a knowing glance at Hermione. She knew what he was saying with the glance: It was a very interesting question. One to bring up to Jean later.
"The way I see it," the artist continued, "that's a reason to argue against the whole Jimmy/Sally arrangement. How can you say that two people are so close that they're destined to be together if he doesn't even know her parents' names or faces after three years?"
"So you're in the Jimmy/Gwen camp?" asked Teddy. "That's where we're at."
"Actually, I'm rooting for Jimmy/Lana, but I know that's never going to happen," said the artist. "But considering how many commissions I've had for that pairing in the last few months, you'd be surprised how much fan support is behind it."
"Quite a bit?"
"More than Jimmy/Gwen," he said. "Hell, I've had more Lana/Gwen requests than Jimmy/Gwen."
"Which one's your most popular request?" asked Teddy, not quite sure if he really wanted to know the answer.
"Hmmm," the artist paused, tapping his chin with his pencil as he thought. "I suppose it depends on what kind of category you're talking about: conceivable, out there, and just complete and utter crack. Cuz, I tell you, I had a request for Gwen with Hagger--"
"No!" Teddy said, closing his eyes in horror. "No, no, no..."
"Yeah, wasn't pretty," the artist said. "But the girl paid well, so what are you gonna do? I did the best I could, even though there's no way they were going to be anatomically compatible--"
"The less I hear you talk about that the happier I'd be," said Teddy, now looking a little green.
"Talk is done," said the artist quickly. "I don't want to lose a sale, sorry, buddy. But, anyway, yeah, your question... Well, Jimmy/Sally's popular. Actually, any combination of the trio are equally popular. You know, Sally/Randall, Randall/Jimmy."
"Once again, ew," said Teddy.
"Hey, openminded would be nice," said the artist, pointing his felt tip at Teddy. "Guys on guys sell well, and there's nothing wrong with it."
"Not exactly what I was worried about," Teddy said with a helpless look at Hermione, who now, like Teddy, had a horrible mental image of Ron and Uncle Harry snogging.
"I've been getting a lot of new requests for Jimmy's parents and their friends now that season three's going," the artist continued. "Romulus/Orion's extremely popular. I think it fits, too. They seem to have a connection, and no mention so far of old girlfriends, you know?"
"Oh, Remus is straight," Teddy said quickly. "I mean, Romulus..."
"I get them mixed up all the time, too," said the artist with a wave of his hand. "Tsunami loves his mythological names. But how do you know that Romulus is straight?"
"I just know," Teddy said. "Inside information. I mean, he might be bisexual," he added, looking extremely uncomfortable even considering his passed father's sexual orientation, "but he definitely gets married and has a kid."
"Wow," the artist said after a slow whistle. "Do you have a blog?"
"No," said Teddy.
"You should start," the artist replied. "If you have a source telling you what happens by season seven, you'll get some heavy readership. Sell some t-shirts, you'll make a mint."
"Yeah, probably not," said Teddy with a glance at Hermione. "My 'source' would be pissed if I let anything else slip."
"Well, it's your bank account," the artist shrugged, "speaking of, do you want this in color? Cuz that's gonna take more time and more money."
"Ink's fine," said Hermione.
"Want anything else?"
"I don't know," Teddy said, examining the picture, which looked suspiciously like the girl standing next to him. The artist, he was sure, had assumed that Hermione was the author of said Mary Sue, and had drawn accordingly.
"Oh, I know," said Hermione, putting her hand on Teddy's arm. "Let's get something for Vic!"
Teddy paused. "Um, sure," he said. "Sure, that'd be cool. But, I don't know what we should get her?"
"Maybe a hippogriff?" Hermione asked, her words faltering. There was something in Teddy's voice... Something odd.
And why were there suddenly goose pimples on his bare arm?
"If you want a hippogriff, I can try," the artist admitted. "But I'm not so great drawing animals. Try Terry, next row over, at the Turn the Page booth. Best beast artist you can find."
"Oh, okay," said Teddy hastily. "Thanks."
"No problem," said the artist. "Tell him Jared sent you to him, he'll scratch my back later."
"Great," said Teddy, handing over the money as Jared roll up the picture and slip it into a cardboard tube. "Thanks."
"Live long and whatever," said Jared with a wave as the Lupins departed for Turn the Page. After that brief moment of weirdness, Teddy seemed to be back to his normal self. But Hermione felt otherwise. She felt like she had been given a jigsaw puzzle piece-by-piece, and she was slowly putting something together. She wasn't sure what the final picture was going to be, and she wasn't sure she was going to like it, but she was putting it together nonetheless.
Vic?
---------
The following interview was conducted at OmegaCon, London, January 4th, 2020. Transcript prepared by Hermione Weasley, DoMLE Head. Interviewee: Simon Tanaka, Muggle artist, co-creator of The Adventures of Jimmy Porter. Interiewers: Hermione Weasley, DoMLE Head; Dean Thomas, DoMLE Muggle Liaison Office Head; Harry Potter, Muggle Liaison officer.
Interview was conducted in a projection room above the hotel ballroom where the Jimmy Porter panel had occurred earlier. Before the interview began, Hermione Weasley secured the scene using Muffliato and Repello Muggletum spells.
TANAKA: Am I in trouble?
WEASLEY: Probably not. But that would depend on how you answer our questions. So let's get right down to it, and we'll know where you stand from there.
TANAKA: That doesn't exactly fill me to the brim with confidence.
WEASLEY: Are you a wizard?
TANAKA: No.
WEASLEY:Do you have any relatives who are wizards or witches?
TANAKA: No.
WEASLEY: Personal relations?
TANAKA: Nope.
THOMAS: What about Tsunami? Is he a wizard?
TANAKA: Not a clue. And I'm telling the truth, don't worry. I know you all have, like, truth serums and stuff. Veritaserum, right?
POTTER: How well do you know Tsunami?
TANAKA: Not well at all. I mean, I feel like I'm a friend, since we've been emailing back and forth to each other since his days on Heroic Endeavours.
WEASLEY: Heroic Endeavours?
POTTER: The online comic, yeah? The one he was writing before Wyrmwood?
TANAKA: Yup. We've been emailing each other for years, but I've never met him face to face.
THOMAS: Even after all the work you two put into Porter, you've never met him in person?
TANAKA: You'd be amazed just how much work can get done over computers. He sends me a script, I scan my work and email it to him for critique, he'll send me other ideas, and we go back-and-forth like that.
WEASLEY: So Tsunami's the idea man behind this story?
TANAKA: Well, I suppose. I mean, I can't say he can claim all the credit.
WEASLEY: You'd take the rest?
TANAKA: Not as much as I'd like. Actually, I was thinking that you all would take the rest of the credit. I mean, it's your story, right?
WEASLEY: And how do you know that? How do you know that what Tsunami's giving you is based on actual fact?
TANAKA: I'm not in trouble, right?
WEASLEY: No.
TANAKA: Because I can't break a law if I don't even know that the government instituting the law even exists.
WEASLEY: You're not in--
TANAKA: Because I have my rights! And-and-and your laws aren't our laws, we humans don't know we're supposed to be following them, so you can't just send me to Azkaban or wherever because--
THOMAS: Mr. Tanaka, please. You're not in trouble. Please calm down. We're simply trying to find where the leak originated.
TANAKA: Not in trouble.
POTTER: Not in trouble.
WEASLEY: How do you know about Azkaban? How do you know about Veritaserum? How do you know about us, Mr. Tanaka?
TANAKA: Well... Um... I was having trouble figuring out just what I was looking at. When I was first getting my character designs down, Tsunami was just... Well, he wasn't liking them. They weren't real enough for him. So, one day, I get this envelope in the mail. I opened it up. And you were in it.
WEASLEY: Me?
TANAKA: Yeah. You and your husband. A picture. Some tabloid photo, torn out of an old newspaper. And... And it was moving. You and your husband, um, Ron, you were at some party, dancing, and I was watching you dance.
WEASLEY: A party...
POTTER: Was there a date?
TANAKA: Umm... 2001? Not sure of the month...
POTTER: There was a picture of you two in the Prophet, right after you got married. The paparazzi were all over all four of us because it was our first Christmas married. It was taken at the Ministry's holiday party. Remember?
WEASLEY: Harry, please be careful about how much you say around him--
POTTER: I think it's safe to say he knows about the Prophet, Hermione. Simon, what else was in that envelope?
TANAKA: A letter from Tsunami. At least, I think it was from Tsunami. His name was on it, but it's not like I'd ever recognize his handwriting, you know?
THOMAS: And the note said--?
TANAKA: Here's our Sally and Randall.
WEASLEY: That's all?
TANAKA: For that picture, yeah.
THOMAS: And there have been others?
WEASLEY: Of course there have been others. How else would he have been able to draw Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade as accurately as he has? You haven't been there, have you, Simon?
TANAKA: Have I ever been to Diagon Alley? Hogsmeade? The Ministry of Magic? Hell, no, I haven't. I only wish I could. I don't have a Muggle Charm, and you need one of those, right?
THOMAS: Do you know where they are?
TANAKA: London? No, I don't know where any of them are at. I've only seen the insides.
POTTER: So Tsunami's sent you those photographs? Of the insides, that is?
TANAKA: Tons of them. Locations, items, people. Articles, too. Lots of you, Harry -- um, Mr. Potter...
POTTER: Harry's fine.
TANAKA: Pictures of Ginny and Neville and Draco and everyone. One day he even sent me a photograph of a Patronus. That one was killer.
THOMAS: A news clipping or an actual photograph?
TANAKA: An actual, color picture.
POTTER: Taken personally by someone, I'm sure. Patronuses aren't usually put into books or newspapers.
TANAKA: Yeah, it was a photograph photograph. On photo stock. Dunno if Tsunami took the picture or if he got it from someone else.
WEASLEY: What was the Patronus?
TANAKA: A bird. I used it as the template for Aquila.
WEASLEY: Do you remember what type of bird it was?
TANAKA: Hawk, falcon, who knows? Like I said, looked like Aquila. But it wasn't exactly clear. All I know is that it was shiny. And I mean that in both the literal and Captain Reynolds sense.
POTTER: So Tsunami wanted the designs to accurately reflect what he was sending you?
TANAKA: As close as possible.
POTTER: Then why do some of the characters look so different on the programme?
TANAKA: Blame the suits for that. The studio. Look, I love the BBC, they've given us so much more leeway in our vision than any of the networks would have in the US. That's why we premiered it here and not on Fox or CBS. But that doesn't mean the Brits don't like to put their sticky fingers into the works whenever possible. They haven't had a cash cow like Porter in decades, maybe ever. They want to put their two cents in, so who are we to say no thanks, no paycheck for us?
WEASLEY: What did you do with the photographs he sent you?
TANAKA: Well, I probably should have burned them, since he specifically told me that I shouldn't show anyone...
THOMAS: Have you shown anyone?
TANAKA: Oh, hell no! I'm not stupid; I read those articles. I know all about the Statute of Secrecy. No way in hell I was ever going to let it slip.
WEASLEY: But you also didn't want to get rid of them.
TANAKA: They're locked up in a safe back in California. Fireproof, tamperproof, no one gets to them without my say so.
WEASLEY: Does anyone else have access to that safe, Mr. Tanaka? Mr. Tanaka? Simon?
TANAKA: Is that an owl?
---------
"What's wrong?"
"What's wrong with what?"
"Ted," Hermione Caroline sighed, stopping the middle of the crowded convention center and, grabbing Ted's arm, turning him towards her. "Something's going on. You've been weird ever since the attack back in October..."
"It's nothing," he said.
"And for a guy who's brilliant onstage, you're a horrible actor," she said, crossing her arms. "There's something you're not telling me."
"There's... There's nothing to say."
"Victoire."
"What?" he said, his voice cracking. "What about her?"
"You see?" Hermione said firmly.
"Ooh, pretty!" a girl said from behind Teddy, looking up above the crowd.
"What's happening?" Hermione asked. "Why do you keep acting weird whenever you see Victoire, or whenever she's even mentioned?"
"No one said there'd be actual owls in here," said the girl's friend. "I hope they don't poo on me."
"Hermione..." Ted said quietly.
"Is there something going on between you two?"
"Hermione, wait..."
"No, I will not wait!" Hermione said, blood draining from her face as the pieces really started connecting now. "Are you... Are you and she...?"
"Hermione," he said, grabbing her arm. His eyes weren't even on her, but were, instead, over her shoulder. "That owl..."
"Don't you--" Hermione stumbled, her voice shaking. "Answer me! Are you and... Are you and Victoire...?" She couldn't even finish the sentence. She didn't even know how to finish it. Everything that she could think of, every possible outcome, was just too brutal to even say aloud.
"The owl," said Ted, still not looking at her; for all she knew, he wasn't even listening to her. "It's... It's real. It's Ministry."
"What?"
"It's trouble," he said, grabbing her hand and chasing the owl as it alit and flew towards the ballroom. "Come on."
---------
"Is that an owl?"
Hermione Weasley, sitting in a folding chair, looked up from her notebook. Simon Tanaka was staring at the projector where, perched upon it, was a large, majestic eagle owl.
"Holy shit, is that a real owl?" Simon said, standing up.
"It must have come in through the projector's window," Dean asked as he and Harry pushed themselves off of the folding table upon which they had been sitting. "Why did it fly through a giant convention hall filled with Muggles? They don't do that, unless--"
"Unless it's an emergency," Harry said, his mouth dry. He stepped forward to retrieve the note on the owl's leg, but it raised it up to Hermione, who approached it first and undid the ribbon. Harry knew that Hermione recognized the severity of the situation, as well: An owl of this size flying through a Muggle building would surely cause the Ministry undue attention. As she read it, her hands began to shake slightly.
"Hermione..." Harry said, moving to her as her eyes traveled back up to the top. And again. "Hermione, what is it?"
Without another word, she handed the parchment to him. He took it from her with numb fingers, and read:
Hermione Jean Weasley,
Explosion at Puddlemere Quidditch Pitch. Minister Shacklebolt dead.
Return to Ministry IMMEDIATELY to be sworn in as new Minister of Magic.
Final Preparations / Previous Chapters / Zero Hour
Author: kanedax
Spoilers: Previous Chapters
Rating: R for language
Summary: Harry Potter confronts fandom.
Notes: I'm not judging. Okay, maybe I am. A little. Satirically. But boy it's fun.
If you haven't already, please take my reader's poll regarding my posting schedule.
I own these characters. The others belong to JK Rowling.
Final Preparations / Previous Chapters / Zero Hour
"Did you ever have the feeling like you were living in a story?" Harry Potter asked as he looked around the convention center ballroom. "Like everything that you've ever done, ever thought, is because some author in another world decided that it was going to happen? Like, I don't know, they were sitting on a train and said 'Hey, I have a brilliant idea!', and, poof, there you were?"
"If you asked me that a year ago, I would have laughed," said Dean Thomas, his eyes wide. "Now? Not so sure."
The ballroom was packed. At the front was a long folding table, covered by a white plastic cloth, four microphones, and a pitcher of water. The table itself elevated a series of platforms so it could be seen over the rows and rows of stackable chairs that were lined across the ballroom's floor. The room itself was at near capacity, with Muggles from ages five to fifty packed into every available space. Most of them were dressed normally: jeans, sweaters, t-shirts. Street wear. Many of them looked like what you would normally expect when you heard the phrase "Science Fiction Convention." You had Trekkies, your Jedi, your superheroes and cartoon characters and Hobbits.
But then there were the others.
Muggles in Quidditch robes. Muggles in Hogwarts robes. Muggles in Death Eater robes and dress robes and deep blue robes that reminded Harry painfully of the late Albus Dumbledore. These latter were usually clad, as well, in tall blue hats and long, fake white beards. Many Muggles were dressed just like wizards look if they were trying to dress like Muggles, with mismatched, misapplied, and outright inappropriate clothing.
There were boys with fake scars drawn onto their faces and stuffed owls on their shoulders, greasy men with lank hair and shredded Azkaban robes, girls with fake Time-Turners around their necks and hair so curled and bushy that Harry knew they wouldn't be caught dead looking like that outside of the building. He had an eleven-year-old daughter who would spend an hour in the bathroom making sure that her hair didn't look like that, so he assumed that it still wasn't very fashionable in the Muggle world, either. Of course, he'd never tell Hermione that...
And everywhere there were fake wands, and fake broomsticks, and fake Swords of Gryffindor. People in Quirrell-like turbans and Hagrid-like wigs and Voldemort-like skull caps. And there were more, and more, and more, everywhere he looked there were Muggles who seemed like they wanted nothing more than to be Jimmy Porter and his friends, which meant that they wanted nothing more than to be Harry Potter and his friends.
"There is definitely a weird meta thing going," said Teddy as the three men, along with Hermione Caroline and Hermione Jean, found seats near the back of the room. "It's like they took all your lives and gave it a JJ Abrams reboot."
"I have no idea what that means," Jean hissed under her breath, "but would you all please watch what you're saying? Just because they're all dressed like this doesn't mean that you can talk about whatever you want around them."
"Sorry," said Harry, who had caught a glimpse of an attractive redhead girl, no more than twenty, wearing so little clothing that it was amazing she had even made it across the parking lot without catching frostbite on her--
"Is that supposed to be Ginny?" Dean muttered to Harry.
"Yes? No?" Harry shrugged. "That's her, um, evil twin? Evil... merged... thing?"
"Dark Gwen," said Caroline with an appreciative nod. "Good fabric work on that costume."
"What fabric?" Jean said, aghast. "She's wearing two postage stamps and a shoestring!"
"No, she's not," Harry retored. "More like, um, two pieces of masking tape in a strategic V formation? And if you even for a second," he added, pointing to Dean, "start imagining Ginny in that outfit, I'm going to--"
"Too late," Dean said with a shake of his head as two teenage girls sidled their way into the row in front of them.
"Wow!" said one of the girls, flashing her braces as she examined Teddy. "Nice costume!"
"Thanks!" said Teddy with a proud smile.
"Did you make it yourself?" the girl, wearing a Simon Tanaka Is My Professor t-shirt, asked.
"You could say that," said Teddy, brushing his sleeveless yellow jacket proudly. Caroline snorted laughter under her breath, knowing full well that it was simply a vest that he had bought second-hand and Transfigured yesterday afternoon.
"How did you get your hair like that?" asked the other girl. "That must have taken a ton of bleach jobs!"
"Yeah, it's a little crinkly," Teddy lied through his teeth, running his hand through his gray-blue locks. "I'll probably have to shave it off and grow it back afterwards, but it was definitely worth it."
"Oh, definitely!" said the two girls with a giggle that caused Caroline to roll her eyes. "You should sign up for Masquerade," the first girl added. "You'd place, easily."
"Thanks," Teddy said again, knowing full well that entering a Muggle contest using enchanted equipment would violate the terms of the Statute. "I'll have to see what my schedule's looking like."
"Who are you supposed to be again?" Harry asked Teddy as the two girls continued their way down the aisle.
"Riku?" said Teddy. "From Kingdom Hearts? That game I played all the time with the Disney--"
"Never mind, I'm old," Harry said, waving him off as the audience began to roar. A man had jumped up onto the stage and jogged over to the microphone on the far left end of the table.
"Afternoon, everyone!" the man said loudly into the microphone. "How's everyone enjoying OmegaCon so far? That's great!" he said after the audience's cheered approval died down. "My name's Taylor Jacobs, I am the vice chairman of the OmegaCon committee, and it is my great, great pleasure to have been chosen to emcee this extremely special guest panel."
As the man spoke, Jean pulled a notepad and pen from her purse and began writing. After a few seconds, though, she cursed silently and clicked the button on the end of the pen. Harry chuckled; she was so used to using quills that she had forgotten that it was a ballpoint.
"Now I could go into a huge speech about how much of an honor it is to see so many faces out there today," Taylor continued, "or about all of the hard work and dedication that has been put in over the last days and weeks and months by our fabulous volunteers--" He was cut off by the crowd once again cheering, and he waited for it to subside before continuing, "--but we have so much to talk about and so little time to do it and, quite frankly, who wants to hear me anyway, right? So, without further ado, let me first introduce a man who have seen on the big screen in such films as Rampage and The Dark Tower, and on the small screen as The Informant. Oh, who am I kidding? He's our Professor Presto! France Clancy!"
The audience broke into screaming cheers as a silver-haired man in a nice suit climbed the steps and took a seat on the far end of the table from the emcee, waving to the audience and pouring himself a glass of water.
"Next," Taylor said, "we have a woman whose acting chops stretch so far that, in the same year, she won an Academy Award for Memories of the Heart and a Saturn for her portrayal of Wonder Woman in Justice League. She uses that same broad range in Jimmy Porter, as the voice of both Sally Guildenstern and, I bet you didn't know this, the vocal sample for the Enchanted Forest's Spider Queen! Ladies and gentlemen, Genevieve Thompson!"
Wolf whistles were intermixed this time as the raven-haired woman, Amazon-like in her stature, sat down beside Clancy.
"And finally, the man you've all been waiting for," said Taylor after the crowd's applause for Thompson died down. "You've seen his work on Carbine, Two-Tunes Tommy, and far too many Cartoon Network programmes to list. But all we care about today is that he gave us the vision, the style, that is uniquely Porter. Simon! Tanaka!"
The assembled fans rose to their feet and cheered as Tanaka jumped onto the stage. In his early thirties, slightly overweight and with a black string beard that matched his black messy hair, he looked like he came from both European and Asian parentage, Unlike France, Taylor, and Genevieve, who were all dressed business casual, Simon's bright floral Hawaiian shirt, untucked over baggy shorts and Airwalk trainers, showed off more than a bit of low-key eccentricity for such a high-profile event. Indeed, he raised his arms over his head right before he sat down, practically begging the audience to rise up in fits of glee unheard of for the previous introductions. The audience, of course, responded with gusto, to the point where Dean and Harry flinched at the copius amounts of high-pitched squeals from the largely female fanbase. Jean, however, looked over at the Lupins to discover, with more than a little amusement, that they were both on their feet, cheering and screaming along with the rest of the Muggles.
---------
The following are highlighted excerpts from the Adventures of Jimmy Porter panel discussion at OmegaCon, London, January 4th, 2020. Transcript prepared by Hermione Weasley, DoMLE Head. Prepared questions were first asked by Taylor Jacobs, Muggle, and then by various Muggles in the audience. Interviewees included France Clancy, Muggle actor; Simon Tanaka, Muggle artist; and Genevieve Thompson, Muggle actress.
On hand for this discussion were Dean Thomas, Head of DoMLE's Muggle Liaison Office; Harry Potter, Muggle Liaison; Theodore Lupin, private wizarding citizen; and Hermione Lupin, private Muggle citizen with wizarding connections.
JACOBS: So, is everyone ready to answer some questions?
TANAKA: Let's do it!
JACOBS: These questions are all from actual Jimmy Porter fans, compiled from the Porter Message Board at the official Jimmy Porter website. The first one comes from PorterPhile in New York: How did you first get involved with Jimmy Porter? How did you and Tsunami first hook up and come up with this idea?
TANAKA: Well, it's Tsunami, you know? The man's a friggin genius. When he comes to you with an idea, you just have to do it. And the ideas that he came up with were just so visually appealing... Well, he had sent me this email back in, oh, late '15, early '16, I think? It was just one simple statement: Kid goes to wizard school. The next thing I knew, I had drawn up a notebook full of sketches, and I hadn't even given him an answer.
JACOBS: And those sketches became the basis for Jimmy Porter?
TANAKA: The basis. The really early basis. Like I said, I only had the one phrase to go with. But Tsu's the man, he's the writer, he's the brains. So we started emailing each other back and forth. He tossed me ideas, I tossed him ideas. The product just developed from there.
JACOBS: So how much of those early sketches would you say are actually in Porter?
TANAKA: Oh, I don't know... Ten percent? Five percent? Jimmy himself came from his original design. Minus the scar, of course. Presto, since he's just so... wizardy, you know? He's just so... historically magical--
CLANCY: Merlin, Gandalf...
TANAKA: Merlin, Gandalf, Gygax's D&D wizards, absolutely, it's such a archetypical look, it was hard to get wrong. Even though, actually, I thought I had gone too archetype, but that's exactly the look that Tsu was looking for, at least for Presto. So, you know... Bonus.
JACOBS: France, did you look to those same sources of inspiration to find the voice of Presto?
CLANCY: Well, of course. McKellen's Gandalf, Swenson's Merlin from the old Disney cartoon. A bit of the Wizard of Oz, some Alec Guiness--
THOMPSON: Obi-Wan! I thought I heard that in there somewhere...
CLANCY: [laughing] How can you not put that old wizard into the pantheon?
TANAKA: It really came out in the last episode of season one.
CLANCY: Best time for Presto to get wisened is when he's talking to Jimmy about his history. Guiness fit perfectly there.
JACOBS: [To CLANCY and THOMPSON] So how did you two get involved? You're both such accomplished actors in your own right. Why an animated series?
THOMPSON: Well, because I don't have to spend an hour in the makeup chair every morning. [laughter from the audience] I'm serious! I can just walk into the studio in my grubbies, stand in front of the microphone for two hours, and I'm on my way.
CLANCY: You mean you wear grubbies? Rick just lets me strip down to my boxers. [laughter and whistling]
JACOBS: Really helps with the process?
CLANCY: Well, it's not like Presto's wearing pants under those robes. Helps me get into character. No! No, I'm joking! Please don't post that on the message boards, I get enough weird fan mail as it is. No, but seriously, it's more than the easy work hours.
THOMPSON: Exactly. Porter, it's so much more work, so much more commitment, than if you went in to do, say, a Pixar movie or Shrek or something like that. It's a seven-series commitment, at least.
JACOBS: So seven series is the word, then?
TANAKA: Oh, man, we sure hope so. Just everyone keep watching, keep downloading, and we'll make sure that we can get to seven seasons... series... whatever. I'm American, sue me.
CLANCY: Seven's the hope. That's what Tsunami told us when we first came on board, he has a seven year plan for the story.
JACOBS: And you know the plan?
THOMPSON: Bits and pieces.
JACOBS: Can you tell us anything about that plan?
THOMPSON: If I did, I'd have to kill you. And, well, that'd be a lot of people to kill, big full hall like this. I can tell you the obvious: Jimmy fights Kadaver.
JACOBS: Wow. Really going out on a limb there, aren't you? [audience laughs]
THOMPSON: I'm a rebel.
JACOBS: I could see how Clancy could get on board for seven series, at least. It's not like Presto's a front-and-center character. But, Genevieve, Sally Guildenstern is just a massive task, isn't she? She's in every episode of every series. Aren't you afraid that that's going to impede your work on, say, Justice League 2?
TANAKA: I love how no one's worried about how she's going to follow up her Oscar performance. Everyone's worried about the superhero flick. [laughs] I love fandom.
THOMPSON: You'd think Sally's a lot of work, but she's really not. I can do maybe a series worth of recordings in a weekend, so far. I'm looking at a little more in the next few series, since the commitment by the BBC's letting us have more episodes, but--
JACOBS: So series four is still under construction? Simon?
TANAKA: Yeah, definitely. Expect maybe a year before series four is ready to go. Oh, come on now... [audience groans disapproval] You're all spoiled, aren't you? We shouldn't have been so nice.
JACOBS: Why such a long gap after pumping out the first three series so fast?
TANAKA: Well, we already had the first two series ready to roll even before the BBC picked us up. We knew that this show couldn't go anywhere but prime time, and it's still really hard to get a prime time, animated, action-based serial running. You can have your Simpsons or your Family Guys or whatever, but their impact is so much less.
JACOBS: They're a half hour, they're comedies, they're--
TANAKA: They're isolated. Easily syndicated. Lots of money goes into their production, and they need to be made up somehow. Syndication pays a lot of those shows bills. Hell, it pays the bills for most shows, but animated shows are a whole other beast. Especially with Porter, which is, again, an hour, action, and really linear. You can't break them up into bite-sized pieces...
JACOBS: Shows like Lost, Heroes, 24--
TANAKA: All really hard to syndicate. Shows like Porter, they're easy to sell to Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network, but to get it onto a network, we had to have two seasons lined up and ready to go.
JACOBS: Voice talent and all?
TANAKA: Well, no. Voices for the first two seasons, at least the seasons that we sold the BBC, were done by me and some of my friends. Rick, our producer, was Randall; his wife was Sally. I got my mom to come in for a few characters; it was a hoot.
JACOBS: a Hoot Hoot, yeah?
TANAKA: A Hoot Hoot, yeah. But once we got the green light from the BBC, we found our voice talent and recorded their sessions with seasons one and two while prepping season three.
JACOBS: That's still a lot of work.
TANAKA: Well, I go by the Parker Stone method. They could pump out episodes of South Park two days after the subject matter became topical. Obviously, we're not construction paper and computers, and obviously we don't have three people doing all of the voices like they did, but I did learn how they managed their time, and we've been able to release episodes faster because of it.
JACOBS: Now, I know that you can't say anything about how the whole thing's going to end, but can you give us any tidbits about series four?
TANAKA: Wow, funny you should ask, Taylor! I just happen to have brought a few sketches--
[rest of phrase drowned out by audience]
JACOBS: I think they like that idea.
TANAKA: I think they do. Well, we might as well get to it, huh? But a few things I wanted to say first. Season four is going to be long. We're looking at twice as many episodes as we had in the previous three seasons.
JACOBS: And that's the plan for series five through seven, as well?
TANAKA: Here's hoping. I'm really excited about season four, because we're going to be introducing a lot of new elements into the series. We're going to have international schools, and professional Broomball, and just a lot of new characters. It's going to be fun.
JACOBS: International schools? We're going to be travelling?
TANAKA: Can't give that much away. But I'm really excited to see what everyone thinks. Because the characters are older, we're going back to the original designs and aging them up a bit. Eleven doesn't look much older than twelve, but now that they're fourteen and fifteen--
JACOBS: Going to sex them up a bit?
[audience laughs and whistles]
THOMPSON: Bad choice of phrase for a bunch of fourteen year olds, isn't it, Jacobs?
TANAKA: Well, in a sense, yeah, we are going to... um... sex them up. They're growing up. They're not adults, but they're not kids, either. We're hoping to make them look more like teenagers in this next season, especially since, as teenagers, they'll start looking at each other in different ways.
JACOBS: Relationships?
TANAKA: Relationships. By the end of season four, most everyone will have at least an interest in someone. Very Gossip Girl.
CLANCY: Oh, Lord, I hope it doesn't go that far.
JACOBS: So Jimmy and Sally are going to finally hook up?
[audience reaction is mixed, but vocal, with as many boos as there are cheers]
THOMPSON: Now that is something I can't give away.
TANAKA: Nor will I. Let's just say that you'll be surprised...
---------
"So what do you think?" asked Dean an hour later, as the crowd began to disburse. Some left for the doors, but others queued up in front of two tables set at ground level, where Simon, Genevieve, and France were now preparing to hand out autographs.
"I don't know," said Jean. "Tanaka's not letting on as much as he knows, I know that. No way those designs are pure coincidence. But they all say that Tsunami has a seven-year plan. He's the one who had the initial idea, and he has a seven-year plan. Harry?"
"I think there's only one way to find out," said Harry. "Want to get an autograph?"
"Let's do it," said Dean. "We'd better get in line fast, though. These Muggles are popular."
"Is it okay if we head back out to the convention?" Caroline asked. "I'm not much of an autograph person, and, well..."
"We have a feeling this meeting's going to get pretty Ministerial," said Teddy under his breath. "We'd feel weird sitting in on it."
"No, go ahead," said Harry. "Meet us back here in, say, an hour and a half? What do you think, Hermione?"
"Hour and a half should be more than enough time," said Jean. "Have fun," she said, giving her sister's arm a gentle squeeze. Caroline gave a smile back and, taking her husband's hand, left the ballroom for the convention center beyond, being careful not to bump too many people in the crowd with her broomstick.
As the three Ministry officials queued up, Hermione's pen still endlessly flying across her notebook, Harry's eyes kept drifting back to the front of the ballroom. There, projected in full color on the room's white draw-down screen, stood three figures. Although highly caricatured, they were instantly recognizable as Fleur Delacour, Viktor Krum, and Cedric Diggory. Seeing Cedric's face, a face that wasn't as obviously cartoony as Viktor's heavy brow, struck home Harry's feelings about this Jimmy Porter fiasco more than anything.
It was one thing for Tanaka and Tsunami and whoever else was involved to take his life, the lives of his friends, and put them on such distorted display. But it was Cedric that hurt. It was Sirius that hurt. And Dumbledore and Fred and Dobby and Colin Creevey. It was these people, people Harry had cared about, being put up on the screen, twisted like they were mere playthings for the creators. And what made it worse, even worse than that, was how popular these versions were becoming. They were becoming legendary in the minds of Muggles. It hurt Harry to know that Muggles would always see Professor Presto as an absent-minded goofball, or Orion Blanc as a psychotic killer. Whether redeemed or not, the picture painted in the first image was that of a twisted, murderous villain.
He was afraid that they would see Jimmy's own parents as some kind of superpowered 007s, hunted by Kadaver for their constant meddling. Because, in the end, perception is reality. If they thought that way about these fictional characters, then didn't that mean they felt that way about the real thing?
So lost in his thoughts, Harry didn't realize that they had reached the front of the queue until Hermione popped him with an elbow.
"So," said Simon Tanaka, reaching over to the side for a photocopied version of Jimmy, Sally, and Randall, "who do I make this out to?"
"Harry," he said. "Harry Potter."
Simon paused, his felt pen poised over the page. He looked up at Harry. His eyes continued moving, up at his scar.
"Holy shit," Simon breathed. "It's you." He quickly jumped out of his chair, knocking it over and backing away, terrified.
"What's wrong?" Hermione said with calming sweetness, knowing that they were causing a scene. "That's not how I'd expect someone to react after seeing their ex-girlfriend after all these years."
"I'm gay," Simon said, obviously not sure why he was even saying it.
"That's not how I'd expect someone to react after seeing their ex-boyfriend after all these years," Dean quickly corrected, patting Harry on the shoulder.
"You're not in trouble," said Harry, stepping around the table. As he did, Simon backed up a few more steps. "We're just here to talk."
"Mr. Tanaka, is there a problem?" asked one of the security guards, quickly approaching the table. Simon looked at the guard, then back at Harry. His eyes found Hermione, and they widened even more. He recognized her as well as he recognized Harry.
"You know us, Mr. Tanaka," said Hermione, trying her best to be both clear to Simon yet unthreateningly vague to the other Muggles now looking on. "There's no trouble here. You know who we represent, so you know why we're here. We just want to talk. That's all."
Simon looked around the room, back at Hermione and Dean. His eyes, however, kept finding Harry and, most obviously, Harry's scar.
"Nothing to see here!" Simon yelled, raising his hands. "False alarm! I'm fine! We're all fine!"
The crowd of Muggles let out a collective sigh of relief as Simon re-approached the table and, leaning in to Harry, muttered,
"It's not like you guys are going to let me go anyway, right?"
"We'd rather not," said Harry.
"Go wait over there," Simon said, pointing to a bare patch of wall. "Let me finish my fans, and we'll talk afterwards. Cool?"
"Cool," said Harry, motioning for Hermione and Dean to follow him.
"Well, that answered one question," said Hermione, leaning against the wall, her arms crossed. "He obviously knows us."
"But do we know him?" asked Dean. "He doesn't look familiar."
"Not at all," Harry said. "But we can assume he's Muggle, or else he would have pulled a wand on us. Now we just have to find out who he really is, how much he knows, and how he learned it..."
---------
"Oh, it's so obvious! Jimmy and Sally are perfect for each other!"
"And how does that work?" the fanboy, dressed in a Jimmy Porter t-shirt, asked as he leaned against the dealer's table.
"Well, one, they're so close to each other," said the dealer, adjusting his boxes of Jimmy Porter action figures. "You write a female sidekick with that much screen time, they're obviously building towards the big hookup. Besides, there's the chemistry factor, the whole Mulder and Scully thing. They're perfect for each other."
"Alright, so there's sexual tension," the fanboy responded. "But that doesn't mean anything. What about Gwen?"
"What about her?"
"First girl that Jimmy ever saw. First girl that ever had an obvious crush on Jimmy..."
"...Which she'll outgrow by the end of the series," said the dealer. "She's the Xander to Jimmy's Buffy. Hell, she's not even Xander, she's Jonathan to his Buffy. She has a thing for him now, yeah, but she'll learn her place soon enough and move on with, I don't know, Orville or Dan or that Cyrus character that Tanaka just showed off. Obviously he's going to be there to be a relationship conflict. Meanwhile, look at Jimmy and Sally: good friends, lots of close scrapes. And look at their Beastials!"
"What about them?"
"Aquila and Aquarius? They could have come up with so many other names, but they came up with two that sounded so close to each other. It's an obvious match."
"Am I the only one completely weirded out that so many people want Harry to hook up with my sister?" Hermione asked Teddy quietly as they looked through a box of comic books at an adjacent table.
"I'm rooting for Jimmy and Nero," said a girl in a Sailor Moon outfit, joining the heated discussion. "That'd be hot."
"Yeah, whatever," said the fanboy with a snort. "Yaoi lover."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Because they hate each other! And it's gay!"
"What's wrong with gay?"
"Nothing's wrong with gay," said the dealer quickly. "But they're nemesises... nemisi... nemisees? That's like Batman doing it with The Joker."
"Heath Ledger Joker or Jack Nicholson Joker?" asked the fanboy.
"Does it matter?" the dealer asked with a look of disgust.
"Mark Hamill Joker had a lot going for him in the Animated Series," the girl interjected. "I could see that relationship working."
"You might as well say that Jimmy's OTP is with Snively."
"Okay, now I'm going to be sick," Teddy groaned.
"Let's get out of here," Hermione said, grabbing his arm and ushering him away from the debate. The Lupins spent the next ten minutes walking up and down aisles of toy and gift salesmen, comic book and manga collectors, and table after table of amateur artists. Many of them were selling their own independent graphic novels (free autograph from someone you've never heard of with purchase!), while others were simply handing out their works for free while selling hand-drawn art on the side.
It was at one of these tables that Teddy and Hermione eventually stopped. A ponytailed man sat at the table with a tablet of paper and a mug (big with the Doctor Who logo on the front) filled with a collection of pencils, pens, and felt tips. COMMISSIONS FOR SALE, the hand-drawn sign above the booth read. 20 FOR INKED, 30 FOR COLOR, 10 FOR EACH ADDITIONAL CHARACTER.
"So what do you think?" asked Teddy. "Want to get something?"
"Really?" said Hermione, lighting up. "Yes yes yes!"
"So what can I do for you?" the artist asked. "Let me guess... Porter?" he said, looking at Hermione's costume.
"Umm, sure," said Hermione.
"Not like I've been drawing anything else today," he said, pulling out his tablet. "Which character?"
"Sally's little sister," said Teddy, giving Hermione a smirk.
The artist paused over the paper, then looked up. "Sally has a sister?"
"Well, we read some weird fanfiction," Hermione giggled.
"Not too surprising," the artist said, shaking his head. "Friggin' Mary Sues everywhere. Any description?"
"I don't know," Teddy shrugged. "Younger sister, blond, not so much of a bookworm as Sally."
"I can pull that off," said the artist, beginning his sketch. "Hell, for all we know, she might even have a sister. It's not like they ever talk about her family on the show."
"You know, I never really noticed," Hermione said. Which was true. She supposed that was probably why she and Teddy had been able to get into the programme so much more than the others. Hermione's sister was up there, of course, and Teddy's father had just recently made his first appearance in the form of Romulus Logan. But Charlotte and Daniel Granger had been suspiciously absent from the series so far, which had, Hermione now suspected, probably allowed her to keep some sort of mental distance from the storyline.
"Well, sure," said the artist. "We know all the Wallenbys, even down to the two brothers not at the Academy. We know the Draconises and the Pups and the Goodmoons. But why no Guildensterns?"
"That is odd," said Teddy with a knowing glance at Hermione. She knew what he was saying with the glance: It was a very interesting question. One to bring up to Jean later.
"The way I see it," the artist continued, "that's a reason to argue against the whole Jimmy/Sally arrangement. How can you say that two people are so close that they're destined to be together if he doesn't even know her parents' names or faces after three years?"
"So you're in the Jimmy/Gwen camp?" asked Teddy. "That's where we're at."
"Actually, I'm rooting for Jimmy/Lana, but I know that's never going to happen," said the artist. "But considering how many commissions I've had for that pairing in the last few months, you'd be surprised how much fan support is behind it."
"Quite a bit?"
"More than Jimmy/Gwen," he said. "Hell, I've had more Lana/Gwen requests than Jimmy/Gwen."
"Which one's your most popular request?" asked Teddy, not quite sure if he really wanted to know the answer.
"Hmmm," the artist paused, tapping his chin with his pencil as he thought. "I suppose it depends on what kind of category you're talking about: conceivable, out there, and just complete and utter crack. Cuz, I tell you, I had a request for Gwen with Hagger--"
"No!" Teddy said, closing his eyes in horror. "No, no, no..."
"Yeah, wasn't pretty," the artist said. "But the girl paid well, so what are you gonna do? I did the best I could, even though there's no way they were going to be anatomically compatible--"
"The less I hear you talk about that the happier I'd be," said Teddy, now looking a little green.
"Talk is done," said the artist quickly. "I don't want to lose a sale, sorry, buddy. But, anyway, yeah, your question... Well, Jimmy/Sally's popular. Actually, any combination of the trio are equally popular. You know, Sally/Randall, Randall/Jimmy."
"Once again, ew," said Teddy.
"Hey, openminded would be nice," said the artist, pointing his felt tip at Teddy. "Guys on guys sell well, and there's nothing wrong with it."
"Not exactly what I was worried about," Teddy said with a helpless look at Hermione, who now, like Teddy, had a horrible mental image of Ron and Uncle Harry snogging.
"I've been getting a lot of new requests for Jimmy's parents and their friends now that season three's going," the artist continued. "Romulus/Orion's extremely popular. I think it fits, too. They seem to have a connection, and no mention so far of old girlfriends, you know?"
"Oh, Remus is straight," Teddy said quickly. "I mean, Romulus..."
"I get them mixed up all the time, too," said the artist with a wave of his hand. "Tsunami loves his mythological names. But how do you know that Romulus is straight?"
"I just know," Teddy said. "Inside information. I mean, he might be bisexual," he added, looking extremely uncomfortable even considering his passed father's sexual orientation, "but he definitely gets married and has a kid."
"Wow," the artist said after a slow whistle. "Do you have a blog?"
"No," said Teddy.
"You should start," the artist replied. "If you have a source telling you what happens by season seven, you'll get some heavy readership. Sell some t-shirts, you'll make a mint."
"Yeah, probably not," said Teddy with a glance at Hermione. "My 'source' would be pissed if I let anything else slip."
"Well, it's your bank account," the artist shrugged, "speaking of, do you want this in color? Cuz that's gonna take more time and more money."
"Ink's fine," said Hermione.
"Want anything else?"
"I don't know," Teddy said, examining the picture, which looked suspiciously like the girl standing next to him. The artist, he was sure, had assumed that Hermione was the author of said Mary Sue, and had drawn accordingly.
"Oh, I know," said Hermione, putting her hand on Teddy's arm. "Let's get something for Vic!"
Teddy paused. "Um, sure," he said. "Sure, that'd be cool. But, I don't know what we should get her?"
"Maybe a hippogriff?" Hermione asked, her words faltering. There was something in Teddy's voice... Something odd.
And why were there suddenly goose pimples on his bare arm?
"If you want a hippogriff, I can try," the artist admitted. "But I'm not so great drawing animals. Try Terry, next row over, at the Turn the Page booth. Best beast artist you can find."
"Oh, okay," said Teddy hastily. "Thanks."
"No problem," said the artist. "Tell him Jared sent you to him, he'll scratch my back later."
"Great," said Teddy, handing over the money as Jared roll up the picture and slip it into a cardboard tube. "Thanks."
"Live long and whatever," said Jared with a wave as the Lupins departed for Turn the Page. After that brief moment of weirdness, Teddy seemed to be back to his normal self. But Hermione felt otherwise. She felt like she had been given a jigsaw puzzle piece-by-piece, and she was slowly putting something together. She wasn't sure what the final picture was going to be, and she wasn't sure she was going to like it, but she was putting it together nonetheless.
Vic?
---------
The following interview was conducted at OmegaCon, London, January 4th, 2020. Transcript prepared by Hermione Weasley, DoMLE Head. Interviewee: Simon Tanaka, Muggle artist, co-creator of The Adventures of Jimmy Porter. Interiewers: Hermione Weasley, DoMLE Head; Dean Thomas, DoMLE Muggle Liaison Office Head; Harry Potter, Muggle Liaison officer.
Interview was conducted in a projection room above the hotel ballroom where the Jimmy Porter panel had occurred earlier. Before the interview began, Hermione Weasley secured the scene using Muffliato and Repello Muggletum spells.
TANAKA: Am I in trouble?
WEASLEY: Probably not. But that would depend on how you answer our questions. So let's get right down to it, and we'll know where you stand from there.
TANAKA: That doesn't exactly fill me to the brim with confidence.
WEASLEY: Are you a wizard?
TANAKA: No.
WEASLEY:Do you have any relatives who are wizards or witches?
TANAKA: No.
WEASLEY: Personal relations?
TANAKA: Nope.
THOMAS: What about Tsunami? Is he a wizard?
TANAKA: Not a clue. And I'm telling the truth, don't worry. I know you all have, like, truth serums and stuff. Veritaserum, right?
POTTER: How well do you know Tsunami?
TANAKA: Not well at all. I mean, I feel like I'm a friend, since we've been emailing back and forth to each other since his days on Heroic Endeavours.
WEASLEY: Heroic Endeavours?
POTTER: The online comic, yeah? The one he was writing before Wyrmwood?
TANAKA: Yup. We've been emailing each other for years, but I've never met him face to face.
THOMAS: Even after all the work you two put into Porter, you've never met him in person?
TANAKA: You'd be amazed just how much work can get done over computers. He sends me a script, I scan my work and email it to him for critique, he'll send me other ideas, and we go back-and-forth like that.
WEASLEY: So Tsunami's the idea man behind this story?
TANAKA: Well, I suppose. I mean, I can't say he can claim all the credit.
WEASLEY: You'd take the rest?
TANAKA: Not as much as I'd like. Actually, I was thinking that you all would take the rest of the credit. I mean, it's your story, right?
WEASLEY: And how do you know that? How do you know that what Tsunami's giving you is based on actual fact?
TANAKA: I'm not in trouble, right?
WEASLEY: No.
TANAKA: Because I can't break a law if I don't even know that the government instituting the law even exists.
WEASLEY: You're not in--
TANAKA: Because I have my rights! And-and-and your laws aren't our laws, we humans don't know we're supposed to be following them, so you can't just send me to Azkaban or wherever because--
THOMAS: Mr. Tanaka, please. You're not in trouble. Please calm down. We're simply trying to find where the leak originated.
TANAKA: Not in trouble.
POTTER: Not in trouble.
WEASLEY: How do you know about Azkaban? How do you know about Veritaserum? How do you know about us, Mr. Tanaka?
TANAKA: Well... Um... I was having trouble figuring out just what I was looking at. When I was first getting my character designs down, Tsunami was just... Well, he wasn't liking them. They weren't real enough for him. So, one day, I get this envelope in the mail. I opened it up. And you were in it.
WEASLEY: Me?
TANAKA: Yeah. You and your husband. A picture. Some tabloid photo, torn out of an old newspaper. And... And it was moving. You and your husband, um, Ron, you were at some party, dancing, and I was watching you dance.
WEASLEY: A party...
POTTER: Was there a date?
TANAKA: Umm... 2001? Not sure of the month...
POTTER: There was a picture of you two in the Prophet, right after you got married. The paparazzi were all over all four of us because it was our first Christmas married. It was taken at the Ministry's holiday party. Remember?
WEASLEY: Harry, please be careful about how much you say around him--
POTTER: I think it's safe to say he knows about the Prophet, Hermione. Simon, what else was in that envelope?
TANAKA: A letter from Tsunami. At least, I think it was from Tsunami. His name was on it, but it's not like I'd ever recognize his handwriting, you know?
THOMAS: And the note said--?
TANAKA: Here's our Sally and Randall.
WEASLEY: That's all?
TANAKA: For that picture, yeah.
THOMAS: And there have been others?
WEASLEY: Of course there have been others. How else would he have been able to draw Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade as accurately as he has? You haven't been there, have you, Simon?
TANAKA: Have I ever been to Diagon Alley? Hogsmeade? The Ministry of Magic? Hell, no, I haven't. I only wish I could. I don't have a Muggle Charm, and you need one of those, right?
THOMAS: Do you know where they are?
TANAKA: London? No, I don't know where any of them are at. I've only seen the insides.
POTTER: So Tsunami's sent you those photographs? Of the insides, that is?
TANAKA: Tons of them. Locations, items, people. Articles, too. Lots of you, Harry -- um, Mr. Potter...
POTTER: Harry's fine.
TANAKA: Pictures of Ginny and Neville and Draco and everyone. One day he even sent me a photograph of a Patronus. That one was killer.
THOMAS: A news clipping or an actual photograph?
TANAKA: An actual, color picture.
POTTER: Taken personally by someone, I'm sure. Patronuses aren't usually put into books or newspapers.
TANAKA: Yeah, it was a photograph photograph. On photo stock. Dunno if Tsunami took the picture or if he got it from someone else.
WEASLEY: What was the Patronus?
TANAKA: A bird. I used it as the template for Aquila.
WEASLEY: Do you remember what type of bird it was?
TANAKA: Hawk, falcon, who knows? Like I said, looked like Aquila. But it wasn't exactly clear. All I know is that it was shiny. And I mean that in both the literal and Captain Reynolds sense.
POTTER: So Tsunami wanted the designs to accurately reflect what he was sending you?
TANAKA: As close as possible.
POTTER: Then why do some of the characters look so different on the programme?
TANAKA: Blame the suits for that. The studio. Look, I love the BBC, they've given us so much more leeway in our vision than any of the networks would have in the US. That's why we premiered it here and not on Fox or CBS. But that doesn't mean the Brits don't like to put their sticky fingers into the works whenever possible. They haven't had a cash cow like Porter in decades, maybe ever. They want to put their two cents in, so who are we to say no thanks, no paycheck for us?
WEASLEY: What did you do with the photographs he sent you?
TANAKA: Well, I probably should have burned them, since he specifically told me that I shouldn't show anyone...
THOMAS: Have you shown anyone?
TANAKA: Oh, hell no! I'm not stupid; I read those articles. I know all about the Statute of Secrecy. No way in hell I was ever going to let it slip.
WEASLEY: But you also didn't want to get rid of them.
TANAKA: They're locked up in a safe back in California. Fireproof, tamperproof, no one gets to them without my say so.
WEASLEY: Does anyone else have access to that safe, Mr. Tanaka? Mr. Tanaka? Simon?
TANAKA: Is that an owl?
---------
"What's wrong?"
"What's wrong with what?"
"Ted," Hermione Caroline sighed, stopping the middle of the crowded convention center and, grabbing Ted's arm, turning him towards her. "Something's going on. You've been weird ever since the attack back in October..."
"It's nothing," he said.
"And for a guy who's brilliant onstage, you're a horrible actor," she said, crossing her arms. "There's something you're not telling me."
"There's... There's nothing to say."
"Victoire."
"What?" he said, his voice cracking. "What about her?"
"You see?" Hermione said firmly.
"Ooh, pretty!" a girl said from behind Teddy, looking up above the crowd.
"What's happening?" Hermione asked. "Why do you keep acting weird whenever you see Victoire, or whenever she's even mentioned?"
"No one said there'd be actual owls in here," said the girl's friend. "I hope they don't poo on me."
"Hermione..." Ted said quietly.
"Is there something going on between you two?"
"Hermione, wait..."
"No, I will not wait!" Hermione said, blood draining from her face as the pieces really started connecting now. "Are you... Are you and she...?"
"Hermione," he said, grabbing her arm. His eyes weren't even on her, but were, instead, over her shoulder. "That owl..."
"Don't you--" Hermione stumbled, her voice shaking. "Answer me! Are you and... Are you and Victoire...?" She couldn't even finish the sentence. She didn't even know how to finish it. Everything that she could think of, every possible outcome, was just too brutal to even say aloud.
"The owl," said Ted, still not looking at her; for all she knew, he wasn't even listening to her. "It's... It's real. It's Ministry."
"What?"
"It's trouble," he said, grabbing her hand and chasing the owl as it alit and flew towards the ballroom. "Come on."
---------
"Is that an owl?"
Hermione Weasley, sitting in a folding chair, looked up from her notebook. Simon Tanaka was staring at the projector where, perched upon it, was a large, majestic eagle owl.
"Holy shit, is that a real owl?" Simon said, standing up.
"It must have come in through the projector's window," Dean asked as he and Harry pushed themselves off of the folding table upon which they had been sitting. "Why did it fly through a giant convention hall filled with Muggles? They don't do that, unless--"
"Unless it's an emergency," Harry said, his mouth dry. He stepped forward to retrieve the note on the owl's leg, but it raised it up to Hermione, who approached it first and undid the ribbon. Harry knew that Hermione recognized the severity of the situation, as well: An owl of this size flying through a Muggle building would surely cause the Ministry undue attention. As she read it, her hands began to shake slightly.
"Hermione..." Harry said, moving to her as her eyes traveled back up to the top. And again. "Hermione, what is it?"
Without another word, she handed the parchment to him. He took it from her with numb fingers, and read:
Hermione Jean Weasley,
Explosion at Puddlemere Quidditch Pitch. Minister Shacklebolt dead.
Return to Ministry IMMEDIATELY to be sworn in as new Minister of Magic.
Final Preparations / Previous Chapters / Zero Hour