Surreal (After the Flaw: Oligarchy, Chapter 12)
Title: Surreal (After the Flaw: Oligarchy, Chapter 12)
Author: kanedax
Spoilers: Previous Chapters
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: The trio get their first look at themselves
Notes: I own these characters. Everyone else belongs to JK Rowling
Shit n' Piss / Previous Chapters / Fourteen
The abandoned stone hallway was dark and gloomy. All candles had been extinguished, the only light coming from the lightning outside the castle, which was flashing more and more frequently as the storm reached a fever pitch. Brief visions of cobwebs, dusty curtains, and rusted suits of armor. Even the frames lining the walls contained nothing more than landscapes and still-lifes, as if the portraits they once housed had found more appreciated paintings to populate.
The thunder rumbled outside, and a split-second later another bolt of lightning lit up a rain-soaked window, this time framing the silhouette of a small female form. Dressed in a poodle skirt and sweater with a large 'S' emblazoned on it, the girl was unassumingly plain, with large teeth and bushy hair that was tied up on both sides, giving her a poodle-eared look. She held a long, narrow wand out defensively, although one could quickly tell that she wasn't exactly comfortable with it yet. She kept jerking her head left and right nervously, and when a particularly loud crack of thunder boomed through the dark hall she jumped with a loud squeal.
"Calm down," she said to herself, loud enough for anyone to hear. "I can do this. I'll prove to Jimmy and Randall that I'm just as good at magic as they are."
"Sally?"
"Sally!"
Sally spun around, wand in hand, as the voices echoed through the hall.
"They're coming," she said to herself, frantically looking around for a place to hide.
"Sally?"
She spied a door with the words Girls Toilet printed across its face. A sign crookedly hung beneath it stated OUT OF ORDER, but when she tried opening it the doorknob turned easily. She pushed the door inwards and entered, closing it behind her just as two boys turned the corner. The tall, gangly redhead, dressed in a toga, lit the way with his wand while the owl on the other's shoulder, his white feathers colored green to accessorize the boy's pirate costume, looked around nervously.
"You know, this is great and all," said the owl, lifting his eye patch with one wing. "I love getting a tour of parts of the castle that I've never seen before. But yawn I'm really tired, so I'm gonna head back to the owlery and, yeah, not get killed."
"Quiet, Hoot Hoot," said the blond boy. "We have to stop Sally."
"Maybe we should go back, Jimmy," said the redhead. "Yer know, find some teachers ter help us 'ave a look for 'er. Wot if the troll finds us before it finds 'er?"
"There's no time, Randall," said Jimmy. "And I don't want her getting in any trouble."
"Why would she fink she could fight a troll all by 'erself? Why would she want to?"
"Because everyone's been making fun of her," the boy explained. "You know how Nero and the Viperheads have been making fun of her because her parents are Normalian. She's just trying to prove that she's as good as we are."
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"Normalian?" Harry said when his brain finally started making words again.
"It's what they call Muggles on the show," said Teddy from behind him.
"They actually used the term homo normalian in the pilot," Hermione Caroline elaborated. "And homo magician. Hasn't been used since. Its an obvious nod to the X-Men franchise, and I wager the BBC doesn't want Marvel Studios pursuing litigation."
"Right, whatever that means," said Ron, his amusement over the concept of television lost for the moment. "This is surreal."
"But this isn't how it happened," said Harry. He, Ron, and Hermione Jean Weasley were seated on the Lupins' sofa, watching as Sally Guildenstern, an obvious allusion to Hermione Jean Granger, opened the bathroom door to see a hulking silhouette, two gleaming red eyes staring back at her from across the threshold. Teddy Lupin leaned on the back of the sofa, while Hermione Caroline Lupin sat in a chair beside the trio, netbook in her lap and remote control in hand. The pizza they had ordered was sitting on the coffee table, forgotten in their amazement. "You didn't go after the troll!"
"Yes I did," said Jean quietly, elbows on her knees she watched the cartoon with an intensity she usually reserved for studying upcoming Wizengamot cases.
"Memory Charm hit you, love?" asked Ron. "You didn't go after a troll, and we didn't come try to find you. We went to find you because--"
He trailed off, looking guiltily at Caroline. He wasn't sure if Hermione had ever told her little sister, or anyone, that the trio had only become friends after she had hidden in the bathroom sobbing thanks to a particularly nasty series of insults from her future husband.
"I know why you went," Jean explained. "And you know why I went. But no one else does. Well, not many others. I told Ginny and Luna at some point later. And Caroline knows," she continued, as if reading Ron's mind. "But this, what's happening on the screen, is the story that I told Professors Snape and McGonagall. This is the story that travelled around the school. To everyone else, this is the true story of about how the three of us got together."
"I seriously doubt that," said Teddy as Jimmy Porter and Randall Wallenby sprinted towards the sound of Sally Guildenstern's screams. "Watch this part."
---------
Jimmy Porter and Randall Wallenby sprined towards the sound of Sally Guildenstern's screams.
"Hey, wait up, you guys!" Hoot Hoot the owl panted. "You guys! You're gonna get flattened!"
"Be quiet, Hoot Hoot!" both boys yelled at once.
They ran through the doorway, now less a door than an gaping hole, and skidded to a stop. As the music swelled with inspirational power chords, they got their first look at the troll. The animators had designed it to be considerably more terrifying than Harry, Ron, and Hermione remembered it, which was saying quite a bit. Easily twenty feet tall (the girl's bathroom, thanks to the animator's need for action space, had been stretched to ballroom-like proportions) and built more like a professional bodybuilder than a slow, lumpy boulder, the beast wielded a massive stone club with stalagmite-sized spikes protruding from its surface. Its other hand was also occupied; it held Sally Guildenstern thirty feet off the ground by the collar of her cheerleader's sweater. Its glowing red eyes stared with hatred and hunger into her screaming face.
"Eh up, rockhead!" Randall yelled in a painfully stereotyped Cockney. "Don't yer know that wool gives yer indigestion?"
The troll turned to the two boys and the fluttering green owl, and roared in sheer rage.
"Oh, brilliant!" Hoot Hoot said with exasperation. "Great idea, Wallenby, piss off the -- oof!"
Sally's body, hurled by the ferocious monster, collided with Hoot Hoot's in mid-air. The owl and the girl slammed into the far wall, the bird apparently cushioning her impact.
"Sally!" Jimmy yelled, running to the girl. "Sally, are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Hoot Hoot grumbled, using his wings to claw his way out from under the half-unconscious witch. "I'm just dandy, Jimmy. Thanks so much for asking."
"Jimmy, I just pissed off a giant troll!" Randall yelled. "A wee 'elp would be luvly!"
"Watch her," said Jimmy to the bird as Sally began to stir. "Keep her safe."
"What?" Hoot Hoot yelled. "How am I supposed to do that? Peck him to death?"
Jimmy ignored the owl's complaints, though, and joined the battle. The two young wizards circled the behemoth, firing colored bolts of energy from their wands as the electric guitars wailed in the background. Jimmy jumped higher than an a regular human, Muggle or wizard, could even dream as he dodged a swing from the troll's spiked club.
"Fireball!" he yelled, still in mid-air. A gigantic fireball erupted from the tip of his wand and connected with the troll's skin. The troll roared in pain, but seemed otherwise unaffected as it took aim at Randall. The boy rolled out of the way, barely avoiding the club, which slammed into the ground with a screen-shaking impact.
"Icicle!" Randall yelled, and shards of ice bounced harmlessly off the troll's skin.
"It's not working!" Hoot Hoot cried out to the boys as he waved a wing at Sally's dazed face. "You boys know what to do!"
"We sure do!" said Jimmy with a grin in Randall's direction. "Ready?"
"Let's give 'im a taste of Beastia," Randall replied.
The background disappeared in a blur of color as the two boys turned to face the giant troll. The viewer's attention is then focused on Randall, who spins around with the camera.
"Go Beastial Taurus!" he yelled out as the speed lines behind him shift to a yellow tint. "Attack!" Below him (as he's suddenly levitating in mid-air) a brown field appeared. From the horizon came a shimmering bull, made of pure yellow energy, charging towards the camera, steam billowing from its nostrils, which are pierced with a thick metal ring.
"Go Beastial Aquila!" Jimmy then commanded as the yellow background shifted to light blue. "Attack!" Above him, the roof now mysteriously disappearing, the clouds parted and a white-blue eagle, apparently formed of the same energy as the bull, bolted through the crack, a powerful scream following in its wake.
The screen flashed white and the troll flew backwards, slamming into the far wall. As Jimmy and Randall stood by in their hero shot, the bull and the eagle stood like faithful sentinels nearby. The troll, however, wasn't done. As the music faded, the great beast pushed itself to its feet and picked up its club.
"Oh no!" Hoot Hoot said. "He's mad now! Wake up, Sally!"
The troll charged the two boys. Their beast companions responded to the attack, but were easily flung aside by the troll, which seemed to have been strengthened by the attack instead of weakened. Randall hopelessly fired a few more bolts at the troll but, with an impact that would have killed anyone not in a cartoon, took the full brunt of the club and was propelled into the nearby rubble.
"No! No!" Jimmy screamed as the troll grabbed him by the neck and lifted him from the ground. Both legs kicking in the air, he grabbed the monstrous hand, trying desperately to release the grip.
As violins hummed ominous minor chords, Hoot Hoot the owl fluttered madly around Sally. "Get up!" he yelled. "Get up, they need you!"
"What?" Sally murmured, pushing herself into a sitting position.
"Jimmy and Randall need your help!" Hoot Hoot said frantically. "You have to fight the troll."
"I... I can't..." Sally sobbed. "I can't, I'm a horrible witch, I can't..."
"Yes, you can!" Hoot Hoot replied. "You're a great witch!"
"I'm just a Normalian!"
"If you don't help them, they'll die!"
"Sally!" Jimmy yelled from above with a strangled cry. "You can do it! I know you can!"
The words seemed to cut through Sally's doubt. As the portentious strings gave way to a climactic guitar solo, Sally Guildenstern pulled herself to her feet. Once again, the background faded, this time into a dark blue.
"Beastial Aquarius!" she said as the camera angle twirled. "Attack!"
A vast, blue ocean appeared beneath her. The surface bubbled, and moments later, from beneath its surface, rose--
---------
"A dolphin?" Hermione Jean said with an air of distaste.
"Yup," said Hermione Caroline as the dark blue mammal flipped into the air.
"That's not my Patronus!" Jean said. "That's not any of our Patronuses!"
"She hates dolphins," Ron said to Teddy under her breath.
"I don't hate dolphins," Jean corrected. "I just... Why did it have to be something so feminine?"
"Could be worse," said Caroline. "Could be a unicorn. Or, you know, any kind of pony."
"They're going with an element theme," said Teddy. "Jimmy's air, Randall's earth, Sally's water. Now, see, they're merging up to form fire."
Indeed, as he spoke, the three animals transformed into comets of colored energy. Spinning around each other, they eventually merged into a bright orange phoenix, which attacked the troll and dealt it a killing blow.
"How does that even make sense?" asked Ron.
"It's a typical trope," Caroline explained. "You see the concept of elements or color coding in lots of programmes. Naruto, Power Rangers, Avatar--"
"Voltron," Harry said.
"Captain Planet," Jean continued. "What?" she said as the others gave her a look of surprise, "I couldn't watch cartoons growing up?"
"Not legally," said Harry before returning to the screen. "But, um, Patronuses... We didn't--"
"It's your special move," said Teddy. "Jimmy's, I mean. Everyone's. In the Porterverse--"
"Porterverse?" Ron asked, aghast.
"--if you have a wand you have a Beastial. You've been--Jimmy's been using his since he fought one of Kadaver's cronies in the first episode, and Randall's had his revealed since he fought Jimmy in episode two."
"Wait, we fought each other?"
"Everyone fights each other in these programmes," said Caroline. "Establishes a pecking order, I guess. Another trope. Plus they have to fill time," she continued, running her finger along her netbook's touchpad. "According to this website a ten-episode order for this season, which is supposed to cover Jimmy's first year at Magic Academy. That means ten episodes, ten conflicts. This is episode four, and Jimmy's already fought Randall, Nero, and one of Dark Lord Kadaver's henchmen."
"This is surreal," Ron repeated. "This is... This... Look, who are these people, and why the hell haven't they been arrested for breach of the Statute of Secrecy?"
"Who are they?" Harry asked Teddy and Caroline as the credits began to roll. "How much do you know about the creators?"
"We know their work," said Teddy. "Simon Tanaka's been animating for years. His design team does Carbine, which is one of our favorite programmes, and he's had a hand in half of Cartoon Network's lineup right now."
"So he's not new to the business," said Jean. "And the writers?"
"The creator goes by the name of Tsunami."
"Odd name," said Harry.
"Online handle," said Teddy. "He got his start writing webcomics about five years ago. Even after he got his big break writing Wyrmwood he kept it as a penname, alter-ego, whatever."
"What's his real name?"
"Don't know," Caroline shrugged. "Which, honestly, is an amazing thing nowadays. In the past, Heinlein could get away with using a bunch of different pennames, and Richard Bachman wrote four novels before people discovered he was Stephen King. But with the internet it's impossible to go too long without someone learning your name nowadays."
"But he has."
"Or she," said Caroline.
"So we know Tsunami's been writing for Muggles for at least five years," said Harry. "Maybe more, if he's using an alias. What do you think, Hermione? Squib?"
"Maybe," said Jean, who had pulled a notepad and Quick-Quote Quill from her bag. As they spoke, the quill was working furiously to keep up with their discussion. "Could be a relative of a wizard or witch who got the story second-hand. Might even be a witch or wizard themselves who are just living both sides, like Teddy."
"Which still doesn't answer my question," said Ron. "Why are they doing it? And why are they still doing it? I mean, this is a huge breach of the Statute, isn't it, Wife-Who-Happens-To-Run-The-Law-Enforcement-Division?"
Hermione Jean sat in deep thought as she stared through the television, which was now broadcasting BBC News at Ten.
"Hermione?" Ron asked as Richard Byrne told the United Kingdom about a restaurant fire in Saddleworth. "Did Robards say anything about this programme before he left? I mean, the Department had to know something, right?"
"Robards never said anything," Hermione said presently. "And, quite honestly, there's not a lot to say. I can't say that they're breaking any laws."
"What?" Ron gaped. "Hermione, it's the wizarding world, it's Hogwarts, it's us. A really fucked up intepretation, but it's still us."
"You haven't read the Statute, have you?"
"I have it memorized," said Ron. "No telling Muggles about magic, no doing magic in front of them."
"That's not even close," said Hermione. "That's just what you were taught growing up because its the easiest way to teach it. But the Statute itself is huge. There are exceptions all over the place. Hell, you're sitting in the room with one right now." At this she pointed at her little sister. "Follow the Statute as you and most wizards have learned it, and Caroline would have never known about me. Neither would my parents. The Dursleys would have never known about Harry, either."
"What does that have to do with this?"
"It doesn't," Jean shrugged. "It's just an example of how vague things can get when you get down to specific examples. My cousins know about us, their husbands and wives don't. Danielle knows about us, but a lot of Caroline's friends don't. It's... It's pliable."
"Again, I ask..."
"There's a section on fictionalization," Jean continued. "An entire book on it, actually. When its allowed, when its not, what exceptions can be made, where the line is drawn."
"Fictionalization?" asked Ron. "What do you mean?"
"I think she means that the entire wizarding world isn't a mystery to Muggles, as much as they like to think it," said Harry, who, after receiving a nod from Jean, continued. "I grew up knowing about giants and unicorns and phoenixes even before I went to Hogwarts. But they were all pretend."
"It was impossible to completely wipe our existence from the world," Jean said to Ron, Teddy, and Caroline. "When wizards and Muggles co-existed, those magical beasts were well-known to both societies. Unfortunately, Muggles eventually learned that even while they couldn't have our power, they could at least harness the powers of those creatures. Many animals were practically wiped out before we put them into hiding; Muggles would hunt and poach them for their hair, their blood, their hides. But even after we isolated some creatures, and bred others to be invisible to Muggle eyes, their memories lived on in the Muggle world. So wizards stopped trying to cast Memory Charms on any Muggle who saw a gnome. After the centuries passed, the creatures stopped being fact and started becoming legend."
"Like Merlin," said Teddy. "He was real, but Muggles only think he was a storybook character."
"Wait," said Ron. "You mean Muggles have heard of Merlin?"
"Exceptions are made," Jean said. "This way we can't slap a violation on any schoolgirl who draws a fairy in her class notes. Even if she believes they're real, she doesn't know that they are, do you understand?"
"I guess," Ron said grudgingly. "But this is us, Hermione--"
"Not if the Muggles don't know that it's us," said Jean. "Tsunami, or whoever it is writing this story, is actually being quite smart about it. The names are all fictional, the places are all fictional, and the events aren't one-hundred percent accurate. It's a programme based on a series of events, not a programme documenting a series of events. Its an important distinction. Do you understand?"
"Yeah," Ron sighed. "And even if it was completely accurate, who'd believe it, right?"
"Exactly," said Jean. "No one is proclaiming that any of this is fact. Look, we can keep our eyes on it, do some research on those involved, but right now our hands are otherwise tied. This isn't even enough evidence to track down and interrogate anyone. Some might come up, but right now, none. Caroline, how many episodes do you have?"
"This is the fourth episode," said Caroline. "I have all four recorded on my DVR. And I downloaded four more episodes from the BBC website. The last episode has Jimmy, Sally, and Nero in the Haunted Forest."
Harry closed his eyes and repressed a shudder as he remembered that night in the Forbidden Forest, a memory he tried to forget as often as he could.
"Could I borrow them?" Jean asked Caroline.
"Can you?" asked Caroline. "I mean, do you even have a telly?"
"Oh, right," Jean amended. "Can I come over and watch the nights that they air? And can I sit down with your computer and watch the other episodes?"
"Mi casa es su casa," Caroline said. "Just so long as you bring some dinner once in a while."
"And keep your ears open, too, if you could," Jean said to both Lupins. "We'll try to find as much information on Tanaka and Tsunami as we can, but the Ministry's Muggle sources aren't as deep as we'd like outside of politics and crime. Anything you can pull up on them would be great."
"You might be able to meet them sometime," said Teddy. "Internet fandom is big on Jimmy Porter so far, and the show's already been renewed for two more seasons. It's only a matter of time before someone makes an appearance during convention season."
"But why would anyone want this?" Harry asked, remembering the thing that used to be Professor Quirrell slithering across the dead leaves, sucking blood from the dead unicorn. "I mean, why would they... write about it? Turn it into a cartoon?"
"Oh, come on," said Teddy, unmindful of Harry's discomfort. "You keep forgetting you're a bloody hero, Harry."
"But they didn't--"
"Harry, war stories have been told for centuries," said Jean. "The names are often changed, and the stories are rarely one-hundred percent accurate. As much as you hate to believe it, you're as important to the wizarding world as Merlin or Dumbledore. That mean's you're important to the Muggle world, too, even if the Muggles don't know it. And someone wants them to know about you. If they had to give you super powers, or make Hedwig talk, to keep it from crossing any lines of legality, then they have to do what they have to do."
"Could be worse," Ron said grumpily.
"How's that?" Harry asked, sighing in resignation.
"They could have made you the comic relief," he said. "I don't sound like that at all!"
Shit n' Piss / Previous Chapters / Fourteen
Author: kanedax
Spoilers: Previous Chapters
Rating: PG13 for language
Summary: The trio get their first look at themselves
Notes: I own these characters. Everyone else belongs to JK Rowling
Shit n' Piss / Previous Chapters / Fourteen
The abandoned stone hallway was dark and gloomy. All candles had been extinguished, the only light coming from the lightning outside the castle, which was flashing more and more frequently as the storm reached a fever pitch. Brief visions of cobwebs, dusty curtains, and rusted suits of armor. Even the frames lining the walls contained nothing more than landscapes and still-lifes, as if the portraits they once housed had found more appreciated paintings to populate.
The thunder rumbled outside, and a split-second later another bolt of lightning lit up a rain-soaked window, this time framing the silhouette of a small female form. Dressed in a poodle skirt and sweater with a large 'S' emblazoned on it, the girl was unassumingly plain, with large teeth and bushy hair that was tied up on both sides, giving her a poodle-eared look. She held a long, narrow wand out defensively, although one could quickly tell that she wasn't exactly comfortable with it yet. She kept jerking her head left and right nervously, and when a particularly loud crack of thunder boomed through the dark hall she jumped with a loud squeal.
"Calm down," she said to herself, loud enough for anyone to hear. "I can do this. I'll prove to Jimmy and Randall that I'm just as good at magic as they are."
"Sally?"
"Sally!"
Sally spun around, wand in hand, as the voices echoed through the hall.
"They're coming," she said to herself, frantically looking around for a place to hide.
"Sally?"
She spied a door with the words Girls Toilet printed across its face. A sign crookedly hung beneath it stated OUT OF ORDER, but when she tried opening it the doorknob turned easily. She pushed the door inwards and entered, closing it behind her just as two boys turned the corner. The tall, gangly redhead, dressed in a toga, lit the way with his wand while the owl on the other's shoulder, his white feathers colored green to accessorize the boy's pirate costume, looked around nervously.
"You know, this is great and all," said the owl, lifting his eye patch with one wing. "I love getting a tour of parts of the castle that I've never seen before. But yawn I'm really tired, so I'm gonna head back to the owlery and, yeah, not get killed."
"Quiet, Hoot Hoot," said the blond boy. "We have to stop Sally."
"Maybe we should go back, Jimmy," said the redhead. "Yer know, find some teachers ter help us 'ave a look for 'er. Wot if the troll finds us before it finds 'er?"
"There's no time, Randall," said Jimmy. "And I don't want her getting in any trouble."
"Why would she fink she could fight a troll all by 'erself? Why would she want to?"
"Because everyone's been making fun of her," the boy explained. "You know how Nero and the Viperheads have been making fun of her because her parents are Normalian. She's just trying to prove that she's as good as we are."
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"Normalian?" Harry said when his brain finally started making words again.
"It's what they call Muggles on the show," said Teddy from behind him.
"They actually used the term homo normalian in the pilot," Hermione Caroline elaborated. "And homo magician. Hasn't been used since. Its an obvious nod to the X-Men franchise, and I wager the BBC doesn't want Marvel Studios pursuing litigation."
"Right, whatever that means," said Ron, his amusement over the concept of television lost for the moment. "This is surreal."
"But this isn't how it happened," said Harry. He, Ron, and Hermione Jean Weasley were seated on the Lupins' sofa, watching as Sally Guildenstern, an obvious allusion to Hermione Jean Granger, opened the bathroom door to see a hulking silhouette, two gleaming red eyes staring back at her from across the threshold. Teddy Lupin leaned on the back of the sofa, while Hermione Caroline Lupin sat in a chair beside the trio, netbook in her lap and remote control in hand. The pizza they had ordered was sitting on the coffee table, forgotten in their amazement. "You didn't go after the troll!"
"Yes I did," said Jean quietly, elbows on her knees she watched the cartoon with an intensity she usually reserved for studying upcoming Wizengamot cases.
"Memory Charm hit you, love?" asked Ron. "You didn't go after a troll, and we didn't come try to find you. We went to find you because--"
He trailed off, looking guiltily at Caroline. He wasn't sure if Hermione had ever told her little sister, or anyone, that the trio had only become friends after she had hidden in the bathroom sobbing thanks to a particularly nasty series of insults from her future husband.
"I know why you went," Jean explained. "And you know why I went. But no one else does. Well, not many others. I told Ginny and Luna at some point later. And Caroline knows," she continued, as if reading Ron's mind. "But this, what's happening on the screen, is the story that I told Professors Snape and McGonagall. This is the story that travelled around the school. To everyone else, this is the true story of about how the three of us got together."
"I seriously doubt that," said Teddy as Jimmy Porter and Randall Wallenby sprinted towards the sound of Sally Guildenstern's screams. "Watch this part."
---------
Jimmy Porter and Randall Wallenby sprined towards the sound of Sally Guildenstern's screams.
"Hey, wait up, you guys!" Hoot Hoot the owl panted. "You guys! You're gonna get flattened!"
"Be quiet, Hoot Hoot!" both boys yelled at once.
They ran through the doorway, now less a door than an gaping hole, and skidded to a stop. As the music swelled with inspirational power chords, they got their first look at the troll. The animators had designed it to be considerably more terrifying than Harry, Ron, and Hermione remembered it, which was saying quite a bit. Easily twenty feet tall (the girl's bathroom, thanks to the animator's need for action space, had been stretched to ballroom-like proportions) and built more like a professional bodybuilder than a slow, lumpy boulder, the beast wielded a massive stone club with stalagmite-sized spikes protruding from its surface. Its other hand was also occupied; it held Sally Guildenstern thirty feet off the ground by the collar of her cheerleader's sweater. Its glowing red eyes stared with hatred and hunger into her screaming face.
"Eh up, rockhead!" Randall yelled in a painfully stereotyped Cockney. "Don't yer know that wool gives yer indigestion?"
The troll turned to the two boys and the fluttering green owl, and roared in sheer rage.
"Oh, brilliant!" Hoot Hoot said with exasperation. "Great idea, Wallenby, piss off the -- oof!"
Sally's body, hurled by the ferocious monster, collided with Hoot Hoot's in mid-air. The owl and the girl slammed into the far wall, the bird apparently cushioning her impact.
"Sally!" Jimmy yelled, running to the girl. "Sally, are you alright?"
"I'm fine," Hoot Hoot grumbled, using his wings to claw his way out from under the half-unconscious witch. "I'm just dandy, Jimmy. Thanks so much for asking."
"Jimmy, I just pissed off a giant troll!" Randall yelled. "A wee 'elp would be luvly!"
"Watch her," said Jimmy to the bird as Sally began to stir. "Keep her safe."
"What?" Hoot Hoot yelled. "How am I supposed to do that? Peck him to death?"
Jimmy ignored the owl's complaints, though, and joined the battle. The two young wizards circled the behemoth, firing colored bolts of energy from their wands as the electric guitars wailed in the background. Jimmy jumped higher than an a regular human, Muggle or wizard, could even dream as he dodged a swing from the troll's spiked club.
"Fireball!" he yelled, still in mid-air. A gigantic fireball erupted from the tip of his wand and connected with the troll's skin. The troll roared in pain, but seemed otherwise unaffected as it took aim at Randall. The boy rolled out of the way, barely avoiding the club, which slammed into the ground with a screen-shaking impact.
"Icicle!" Randall yelled, and shards of ice bounced harmlessly off the troll's skin.
"It's not working!" Hoot Hoot cried out to the boys as he waved a wing at Sally's dazed face. "You boys know what to do!"
"We sure do!" said Jimmy with a grin in Randall's direction. "Ready?"
"Let's give 'im a taste of Beastia," Randall replied.
The background disappeared in a blur of color as the two boys turned to face the giant troll. The viewer's attention is then focused on Randall, who spins around with the camera.
"Go Beastial Taurus!" he yelled out as the speed lines behind him shift to a yellow tint. "Attack!" Below him (as he's suddenly levitating in mid-air) a brown field appeared. From the horizon came a shimmering bull, made of pure yellow energy, charging towards the camera, steam billowing from its nostrils, which are pierced with a thick metal ring.
"Go Beastial Aquila!" Jimmy then commanded as the yellow background shifted to light blue. "Attack!" Above him, the roof now mysteriously disappearing, the clouds parted and a white-blue eagle, apparently formed of the same energy as the bull, bolted through the crack, a powerful scream following in its wake.
The screen flashed white and the troll flew backwards, slamming into the far wall. As Jimmy and Randall stood by in their hero shot, the bull and the eagle stood like faithful sentinels nearby. The troll, however, wasn't done. As the music faded, the great beast pushed itself to its feet and picked up its club.
"Oh no!" Hoot Hoot said. "He's mad now! Wake up, Sally!"
The troll charged the two boys. Their beast companions responded to the attack, but were easily flung aside by the troll, which seemed to have been strengthened by the attack instead of weakened. Randall hopelessly fired a few more bolts at the troll but, with an impact that would have killed anyone not in a cartoon, took the full brunt of the club and was propelled into the nearby rubble.
"No! No!" Jimmy screamed as the troll grabbed him by the neck and lifted him from the ground. Both legs kicking in the air, he grabbed the monstrous hand, trying desperately to release the grip.
As violins hummed ominous minor chords, Hoot Hoot the owl fluttered madly around Sally. "Get up!" he yelled. "Get up, they need you!"
"What?" Sally murmured, pushing herself into a sitting position.
"Jimmy and Randall need your help!" Hoot Hoot said frantically. "You have to fight the troll."
"I... I can't..." Sally sobbed. "I can't, I'm a horrible witch, I can't..."
"Yes, you can!" Hoot Hoot replied. "You're a great witch!"
"I'm just a Normalian!"
"If you don't help them, they'll die!"
"Sally!" Jimmy yelled from above with a strangled cry. "You can do it! I know you can!"
The words seemed to cut through Sally's doubt. As the portentious strings gave way to a climactic guitar solo, Sally Guildenstern pulled herself to her feet. Once again, the background faded, this time into a dark blue.
"Beastial Aquarius!" she said as the camera angle twirled. "Attack!"
A vast, blue ocean appeared beneath her. The surface bubbled, and moments later, from beneath its surface, rose--
---------
"A dolphin?" Hermione Jean said with an air of distaste.
"Yup," said Hermione Caroline as the dark blue mammal flipped into the air.
"That's not my Patronus!" Jean said. "That's not any of our Patronuses!"
"She hates dolphins," Ron said to Teddy under her breath.
"I don't hate dolphins," Jean corrected. "I just... Why did it have to be something so feminine?"
"Could be worse," said Caroline. "Could be a unicorn. Or, you know, any kind of pony."
"They're going with an element theme," said Teddy. "Jimmy's air, Randall's earth, Sally's water. Now, see, they're merging up to form fire."
Indeed, as he spoke, the three animals transformed into comets of colored energy. Spinning around each other, they eventually merged into a bright orange phoenix, which attacked the troll and dealt it a killing blow.
"How does that even make sense?" asked Ron.
"It's a typical trope," Caroline explained. "You see the concept of elements or color coding in lots of programmes. Naruto, Power Rangers, Avatar--"
"Voltron," Harry said.
"Captain Planet," Jean continued. "What?" she said as the others gave her a look of surprise, "I couldn't watch cartoons growing up?"
"Not legally," said Harry before returning to the screen. "But, um, Patronuses... We didn't--"
"It's your special move," said Teddy. "Jimmy's, I mean. Everyone's. In the Porterverse--"
"Porterverse?" Ron asked, aghast.
"--if you have a wand you have a Beastial. You've been--Jimmy's been using his since he fought one of Kadaver's cronies in the first episode, and Randall's had his revealed since he fought Jimmy in episode two."
"Wait, we fought each other?"
"Everyone fights each other in these programmes," said Caroline. "Establishes a pecking order, I guess. Another trope. Plus they have to fill time," she continued, running her finger along her netbook's touchpad. "According to this website a ten-episode order for this season, which is supposed to cover Jimmy's first year at Magic Academy. That means ten episodes, ten conflicts. This is episode four, and Jimmy's already fought Randall, Nero, and one of Dark Lord Kadaver's henchmen."
"This is surreal," Ron repeated. "This is... This... Look, who are these people, and why the hell haven't they been arrested for breach of the Statute of Secrecy?"
"Who are they?" Harry asked Teddy and Caroline as the credits began to roll. "How much do you know about the creators?"
"We know their work," said Teddy. "Simon Tanaka's been animating for years. His design team does Carbine, which is one of our favorite programmes, and he's had a hand in half of Cartoon Network's lineup right now."
"So he's not new to the business," said Jean. "And the writers?"
"The creator goes by the name of Tsunami."
"Odd name," said Harry.
"Online handle," said Teddy. "He got his start writing webcomics about five years ago. Even after he got his big break writing Wyrmwood he kept it as a penname, alter-ego, whatever."
"What's his real name?"
"Don't know," Caroline shrugged. "Which, honestly, is an amazing thing nowadays. In the past, Heinlein could get away with using a bunch of different pennames, and Richard Bachman wrote four novels before people discovered he was Stephen King. But with the internet it's impossible to go too long without someone learning your name nowadays."
"But he has."
"Or she," said Caroline.
"So we know Tsunami's been writing for Muggles for at least five years," said Harry. "Maybe more, if he's using an alias. What do you think, Hermione? Squib?"
"Maybe," said Jean, who had pulled a notepad and Quick-Quote Quill from her bag. As they spoke, the quill was working furiously to keep up with their discussion. "Could be a relative of a wizard or witch who got the story second-hand. Might even be a witch or wizard themselves who are just living both sides, like Teddy."
"Which still doesn't answer my question," said Ron. "Why are they doing it? And why are they still doing it? I mean, this is a huge breach of the Statute, isn't it, Wife-Who-Happens-To-Run-The-Law-Enforcement-Division?"
Hermione Jean sat in deep thought as she stared through the television, which was now broadcasting BBC News at Ten.
"Hermione?" Ron asked as Richard Byrne told the United Kingdom about a restaurant fire in Saddleworth. "Did Robards say anything about this programme before he left? I mean, the Department had to know something, right?"
"Robards never said anything," Hermione said presently. "And, quite honestly, there's not a lot to say. I can't say that they're breaking any laws."
"What?" Ron gaped. "Hermione, it's the wizarding world, it's Hogwarts, it's us. A really fucked up intepretation, but it's still us."
"You haven't read the Statute, have you?"
"I have it memorized," said Ron. "No telling Muggles about magic, no doing magic in front of them."
"That's not even close," said Hermione. "That's just what you were taught growing up because its the easiest way to teach it. But the Statute itself is huge. There are exceptions all over the place. Hell, you're sitting in the room with one right now." At this she pointed at her little sister. "Follow the Statute as you and most wizards have learned it, and Caroline would have never known about me. Neither would my parents. The Dursleys would have never known about Harry, either."
"What does that have to do with this?"
"It doesn't," Jean shrugged. "It's just an example of how vague things can get when you get down to specific examples. My cousins know about us, their husbands and wives don't. Danielle knows about us, but a lot of Caroline's friends don't. It's... It's pliable."
"Again, I ask..."
"There's a section on fictionalization," Jean continued. "An entire book on it, actually. When its allowed, when its not, what exceptions can be made, where the line is drawn."
"Fictionalization?" asked Ron. "What do you mean?"
"I think she means that the entire wizarding world isn't a mystery to Muggles, as much as they like to think it," said Harry, who, after receiving a nod from Jean, continued. "I grew up knowing about giants and unicorns and phoenixes even before I went to Hogwarts. But they were all pretend."
"It was impossible to completely wipe our existence from the world," Jean said to Ron, Teddy, and Caroline. "When wizards and Muggles co-existed, those magical beasts were well-known to both societies. Unfortunately, Muggles eventually learned that even while they couldn't have our power, they could at least harness the powers of those creatures. Many animals were practically wiped out before we put them into hiding; Muggles would hunt and poach them for their hair, their blood, their hides. But even after we isolated some creatures, and bred others to be invisible to Muggle eyes, their memories lived on in the Muggle world. So wizards stopped trying to cast Memory Charms on any Muggle who saw a gnome. After the centuries passed, the creatures stopped being fact and started becoming legend."
"Like Merlin," said Teddy. "He was real, but Muggles only think he was a storybook character."
"Wait," said Ron. "You mean Muggles have heard of Merlin?"
"Exceptions are made," Jean said. "This way we can't slap a violation on any schoolgirl who draws a fairy in her class notes. Even if she believes they're real, she doesn't know that they are, do you understand?"
"I guess," Ron said grudgingly. "But this is us, Hermione--"
"Not if the Muggles don't know that it's us," said Jean. "Tsunami, or whoever it is writing this story, is actually being quite smart about it. The names are all fictional, the places are all fictional, and the events aren't one-hundred percent accurate. It's a programme based on a series of events, not a programme documenting a series of events. Its an important distinction. Do you understand?"
"Yeah," Ron sighed. "And even if it was completely accurate, who'd believe it, right?"
"Exactly," said Jean. "No one is proclaiming that any of this is fact. Look, we can keep our eyes on it, do some research on those involved, but right now our hands are otherwise tied. This isn't even enough evidence to track down and interrogate anyone. Some might come up, but right now, none. Caroline, how many episodes do you have?"
"This is the fourth episode," said Caroline. "I have all four recorded on my DVR. And I downloaded four more episodes from the BBC website. The last episode has Jimmy, Sally, and Nero in the Haunted Forest."
Harry closed his eyes and repressed a shudder as he remembered that night in the Forbidden Forest, a memory he tried to forget as often as he could.
"Could I borrow them?" Jean asked Caroline.
"Can you?" asked Caroline. "I mean, do you even have a telly?"
"Oh, right," Jean amended. "Can I come over and watch the nights that they air? And can I sit down with your computer and watch the other episodes?"
"Mi casa es su casa," Caroline said. "Just so long as you bring some dinner once in a while."
"And keep your ears open, too, if you could," Jean said to both Lupins. "We'll try to find as much information on Tanaka and Tsunami as we can, but the Ministry's Muggle sources aren't as deep as we'd like outside of politics and crime. Anything you can pull up on them would be great."
"You might be able to meet them sometime," said Teddy. "Internet fandom is big on Jimmy Porter so far, and the show's already been renewed for two more seasons. It's only a matter of time before someone makes an appearance during convention season."
"But why would anyone want this?" Harry asked, remembering the thing that used to be Professor Quirrell slithering across the dead leaves, sucking blood from the dead unicorn. "I mean, why would they... write about it? Turn it into a cartoon?"
"Oh, come on," said Teddy, unmindful of Harry's discomfort. "You keep forgetting you're a bloody hero, Harry."
"But they didn't--"
"Harry, war stories have been told for centuries," said Jean. "The names are often changed, and the stories are rarely one-hundred percent accurate. As much as you hate to believe it, you're as important to the wizarding world as Merlin or Dumbledore. That mean's you're important to the Muggle world, too, even if the Muggles don't know it. And someone wants them to know about you. If they had to give you super powers, or make Hedwig talk, to keep it from crossing any lines of legality, then they have to do what they have to do."
"Could be worse," Ron said grumpily.
"How's that?" Harry asked, sighing in resignation.
"They could have made you the comic relief," he said. "I don't sound like that at all!"
Shit n' Piss / Previous Chapters / Fourteen