SGA fic: The Crawling Hand
Title: The Crawling Hand
Author: Kajikia
Pairing/Rating: Lorne/Zelenka, PG
Warnings/Spoilers: 2x13 Critical Mass
Length: ~3000 words
For xanphibian's B-Movie Ficathon.
Prompt: After an astronaut space capsule is detonated in orbit, a teenager finds a severed arm among wreckage on earth. Soon the thing returns to life to murder and possess the young man's mind.
Hidden at the edge of the forest, Achates and Doran froze when the Wraith Well burst to life. A deathbird shot out of the rippling surface of the Well and arced towards the villages.
Achates slapped Doran on the shoulder. "Go," he hissed. "Tell Keras what's happening."
Doran took off running and Achates crept cautiously into the clearing. Heart in his throat, he tracked the path of the ship. He could tell the exact moment when flight turned to falling. The horrible whine of the deathbird cut off abruptly and it plummeted from the sky like a stone. He lost sight of it when it dropped beneath the treeline, but he heard the crash and saw the plume of smoke rise up. He closed his eyes and breathed a silent prayer of thanks that the shield of the Ancestors had held, had protected them again.
The Well shut down after a few minutes, but he waited there until Keras sent two older boys to relieve him. The fear had passed and he was eager to see the fallen deathbird. It was easy to find-he followed the smoke and then the sound of voices.
The deathbird had crashed into the bluffs on the far side of the river. The ship was nothing more than a crumpled, smoldering mass of metal. To his disappointment, the elders would not let anyone cross the river to see it more closely.
"We will investigate it tomorrow," Keras said, "when it has cooled completely."
There was an impromptu celebration that night, with music and a bonfire. Achates snuck away close to midnight. He had tried to persuade Doran to come with him, but Doran had shuddered and said, "I'm not going anywhere near that thing at night. Truly, Achates, let it be."
Achates had shrugged off his arm and the offered wineskin, and went by himself to the river. The guards were gone. The river was shallow over the gravel flats there, and in summer no deeper than his knees when he waded across.
Up close there was still not much to see. He could barely tell it was a ship. He circled it hopefully, but it was still too hot to touch. Wandering down the riverbank, he found a few chunks of metal from the explosion, and something small and pretty and half-melted that he picked up and tucked away. He was about to give up and return with everyone else in the daylight when he stumbled over it. Literally. He turned to see what had tripped him and realized with a thrill of horror that it was an arm. A severed Wraith arm. He scrambled back away from it.
It did nothing, and after a moment, his racing heart slowed. He could bring this back, like a trophy, like the Wraith skeleton in the center of the village. The more he thought on it, the better the idea seemed. He would hide it away until the mid-summer festival and bring it out for the blessing ceremony. Everyone would be so impressed…
He approached warily and nudged it with the toe of his boot. It remained limp and inert. He stripped off his tunic and wrapped the arm up in it. He slunk back to the village, hugging his bundle to his chest. He met no one and his hut was empty when he returned. He wrapped the arm in a blanket and shoved it under his bed.
That night, Achates dreamed of what he had to do.
***
Radek and Lorne stood at the base of the gate ramp, waiting for the go. Lorne shot him a sideways glance.
"Sheppard says they're a great group of kids," he offered.
Radek snorted. Sheppard had, in fact, said the same thing to him, in his "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing near you" voice. It had made Radek want to punch him very hard in the face.
"Tell me, Major, what did you do to piss Sheppard off?"
"Nothing! Nothing at all. Why, what did you do to piss McKay off?"
"I think it was getting out of bed this morning."
"Yeah," Lorne said glumly, acknowledging gate control with a wave, "Sometimes that's your big mistake right there," and they trudged up the ramp and through the gate.
Keras was waiting for them on the other side with a small delegation of children. Children who seemed very interested in the expensive Earth technology. Radek glared at them and cursed the day he had agreed with Rodney about the unpleasantness of children.
***
Radek pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment, then keyed his mic. "Taylor, Deveaux, have you reached the relay stations yet?"
They hadn't.
"I believe I have found the problem. Radio me when you have completed your diagnostics, and I will reactivate the shield."
"You know what is wrong?" Keras asked. "You can fix it?"
"Someone has removed the ZPM and reinserted it in the wrong orientation." The words "idiot children" hung in the air, unsaid but audible nonetheless. "It is simple to fix."
"I cannot believe any of my people would play with this device, now that we know its value."
"Maybe you should post a guard, just to be on the safe side," Lorne suggested.
"Of course, of course," Keras said, and left with a single anxious glance back.
***
"And at least Sheppard hasn't made any of the Marines cry," Lorne said as they walked back towards the ruins. They'd spent most of the trip commiserating about their superiors.
"Unwillingness to publicly crush the souls of subordinates is always a good trait in a leader."
The shield was up again; they'd found the edge by walking until the energy detector started working. Outside the shield, they'd been able to radio Taylor and Deveaux, who confirmed that the relay stations were working and the edge of the shield was where it was supposed to be. All they had to do now was pack up and they would be home in time for dinner.
"Still," Radek said. "At least McKay doesn't expect us to die horribly to protect the city."
Lorne rolled his eyes. "Sheppard doesn't expect us to die horribly while defending the city!"
Radek made a noncommittal noise.
"Okay," Lorne said after a moment, "maybe he's a little disappointed that we haven't made more of an effort on that front."
Radek was still grinning when came around the bend into the ruins. It had been a long day, however, full of tedious diagnostics and hiking on an alien planet, so when he saw the children clustered around the electronic equipment they'd left behind with Keras's guard, he might have reacted more sharply than he should have.
"Blbecek!" he shouted, lunging forward.
The kid holding the stunner yelped and spun around. There was a brilliant flash of light. The last thing Radek felt before he hit the ground was the sick shock of a Wraith stunner and a pleasant sense of vindication.
***
When he regained consciousness, he was staring at the ceiling of a hut while small children did something to his hair. And his face. They were apparently painting his face.
And he could do nothing about it.
He tried to will the children away with his mind, but that only gave him a headache. After awhile, he gave up and switched to his plans for revenge when he got back to Atlantis. He was on number seventeen, unpleasant things he would make come out of McKay's shower-cold water was for amateurs-when the last effects of the stunner blast wore off.
"Ngarghh," he said and sat up.
The children scattered as he stumbled out of the hut. Lorne made a valiant but ultimately futile attempt not to smile.
"Oh," Keras said. "They were supposed to ask your permission first. They meant it as an honor."
"An honor."
"Yes. Tonight we celebrate Midsummer's Eve, and the oldest man and the oldest woman in the village act as the spirits of the forest and the field for the blessing ceremony. As you are the oldest man in the village right now, we would be honored if you fulfilled that role."
Radek stared at him. "Ah, yes, I see. Charming. But that is not important now. What is important is-"
"That the shield is down again," Lorne said, not smiling anymore. "I told your engineers to rerun their diagnostics, but-"
Radek shook his head. "The relay stations draw power from the central generator to extend the shield. The field would not fail here if the problem was there. We must check the ZPM. Where was the guard?"
"Unconscious in the bushes. Someone choked him until he passed out and then hid him in some bushes. He doesn't remember anything."
Radek felt a cold little trickle of fear in his belly. "A Wraith? One who beamed down before the dart crashed?"
"Maybe," Lorne said quietly. "But if you ask me, the bruises on the guard's throat are a little small for Wraith hands."
"A human."
Lorne shrugged. "Either way, I told Grant and Hernandez to keep an eye out. Keras is assigning us extra guards, too."
***
It turned out the problem was the ZPM, or rather, the lack thereof.
Radek cursed under his breath and dug out the energy detector. "The ZPM was used recently-there will still be enough residual energy to track, if we act quickly."
They found it buried in a pile of leaves a few hundred meters away. On the way back to the generator, a boy stepped out of the woods in front of them.
"Achates!" one of the guards said. "Are you well?"
The boy looked awful, pale and sweating, with heavy dark circles under his eyes. Radek noted unhappily that he had a spear. He didn't respond to the question, but stood there swaying slightly from side to side. His eyes tracked slowly over everyone in the group, until they settled on the ZPM in Radek's arms.
For someone who looked so ill, he moved shockingly fast, making a sudden lunge for Radek. Lorne tackled Radek from the side, knocking him out of the spear's path. Achates stumbled as he missed his target, but recovered. Lorne rolled off Radek and brought the stunner up.
Achates made an inarticulate noise at the first shot and tried to turn. Lorne shot him again and he went down.
"Okay," Lorne said. "I'm beginning to see your point about children, Doc."
***
Keras looked down sadly at the unconscious boy. "I did not want to believe that any of my people would willingly help the Wraith. It is almost a relief to know he is merely sick, or mad."
"We can send a doctor to check on him, when we get back to Atlantis," Lorne said.
"We would be grateful. But we are pleased that you will stay with us tonight. And I am sure the other villages are honored to host your companions. Have you decided, Doctor, whether you will participate tonight? The children could finish painting you in no time!"
Tired, bruised, and already itching from the paint, Radek opened his mouth to tell them exactly what they could do with their offer. Lorne slung an arm around his shoulder and leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Remember if you kill one of them, it'll be a lot harder to come back and steal their ZPM in our time of need."
Radek turned his head to look at him. Lorne grinned. "Fine," he said to Keras through gritted teeth. "I am honored."
Radek looked back at Lorne. "Debile," he muttered.
Lorne grinned wider, slapped him on the back, and replied, "Polib mi prdel."
Radek gaped at him as he walked off.
***
What Keras hadn't mentioned was the fact that the blessing ceremony consisted of kissing everyone in the village. But it was only a chaste kiss on the lips or forehead, like the kiss of peace at Mass. After the second cup of their pale, sweet wine, Radek stopped worrying about it. He sat on the dais beside the woman crowned with flowers who was the spirit of the fields, and throughout the night the villagers came up to kneel and receive the blessing. Out of politeness to their hosts, Lorne kissed the field woman-he didn't exactly blush afterwards, but even in the torchlight, Radek could see the tips of his ears turn red-then stood behind Radek's chair like a bodyguard for the rest of the night. People brought them food and wine, and tried to convince him to dance.
By the end of the night, Radek was pretty sure he had kissed more people than he had in his entire life. His lips tingled; from the wine or the kisses he wasn't sure. The bonfire had died down, and the musicians had stopped playing. A few people continued to dance, and several more were curled up sleeping on the ground, but most had gone to bed, singly or in pairs. The woman of the fields had taken the hand of the last man she'd blessed and drawn him off into the shadows.
"Everyone has received the blessing from you, Doctor," Keras said. "Go and sleep, if you wish." He scooped up a snoring child from beneath the dais and left.
Lorne came around to stand in front of him, and offered him a hand. "You haven't completed the ritual, you know. You haven't kissed everyone."
"Who did I miss?"
Lorne pulled him to his feet, but didn't let go of his hand. Instead, he leaned in and pressed his lips to Radek's. Oh, Radek thought. Lorne's mouth was soft and warm and sweet as wine, though he hadn't been drinking.
That, of course, was when the disembodied Wraith arm attacked.
"Ow," Lorne said. "My ankle."
They looked down.
"HOLY-get it off, get it off!" Lorne flailed about, trying to shake off the arm.
"Hold still!" Radek said. He grabbed Lorne's shoulder to steady himself and kicked the arm hard. It didn't budge.
"Okay," Lorne said tightly. "It's really starting to hurt now."
"Give me your knife." Radek knelt and stabbed the arm through the wrist. The hand spasmed and released Lorne's ankle, only to fling itself at Radek.
Radek shrieked and lurched backwards. The arm gathered itself for another leap and Lorne swung his P-90 around like a baseball bat, knocking the thing aside.
Horrified shouts rang out around them, and other people came running. The arm scuttled forward, but a teenager pinned it to the ground with a spear. The arm was soon bristling with pointy objects. It could no longer move forward, but the hand continued to twitch and grasp at anything that came too close.
"It appears we will have to burn it," Radek said.
"Right," Lorne said. "Just let me get my knife back."
***
It was well after dawn when they finished searching the crash site for more Wraith parts. Just to be on the safe side, they had poured lamp oil over the largest pieces of wreckage and lit them on fire. Which left them enough time to pack up and meet the rest of the team at the stargate.
Exhausted, filthy, and reeking of burnt Wraith flesh, Radek and Lorne were the first ones there. Taylor and Hernandez showed up around mid-morning, looking entirely too smug and chipper. Taylor's face was painted and she wore a slightly crushed crown of flowers. That did not improve Radek's mood in the slightest. Deveaux arrived a little later, also painted and wearing straw in his hair. He was leaning heavily on his Marine and singing "Show Me the Way to Go Home" at the top of his lungs.
"I think he underestimated the strength of the wine," Grant said dryly.
Deveaux drew himself as upright as he could without actually letting go of Grant. "Radek, children were drinking it."
Radek felt his eyelid twitch.
"Okay, then," Lorne said hurriedly. "Home it is."
Elizabeth was waiting when they stepped through the gate. She took one look at his face and scheduled the debriefing for the next day. Radek grabbed a couple of passing scientists and explained that the sooner they got all the equipment back to the labs, the sooner they would be free to shower. The passing scientists took one look at his face and did not explain that showering wasn't a priority of theirs right then.
Because the day wasn't going badly enough already, they ran into McKay in the hallway.
"Hey, it's Mr. Mom! How were the kids?"
Radek choked on the description of how exactly the kids had been, which was a good thing, because the last sentence probably would have been, and I didn't even get to have sex in the end. The other scientists wisely kept their heads down and their feet moving.
"Do not even speak to me," he snarled, and continued to the labs.
In the infirmary, Carson took samples of the paint and foliage, and gave them a clean bill of health and instructions to return if they developed a rash.
The shower was everything Radek had hoped it would be, so when he looked in the mirror and saw that the paint hadn't washed off, he felt only a mild pang of irritation.
His door chimed. Lorne was on the other side. He'd obviously showered and changed as well. He held out a little pottery cup.
"Here," he said. "Keras gave this to me before we left. It'll take the paint off. I left some with Beckett for Taylor and Deveaux."
Radek eyed him for a moment, then grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside. He shoved him up against the wall.
"Hey, what-"
"Stop talking, please. It has been a shit day-I am at least getting a blow job out of it."
Lorne grinned. "Yeah, okay," he said, and kissed him.
Author: Kajikia
Pairing/Rating: Lorne/Zelenka, PG
Warnings/Spoilers: 2x13 Critical Mass
Length: ~3000 words
For xanphibian's B-Movie Ficathon.
Prompt: After an astronaut space capsule is detonated in orbit, a teenager finds a severed arm among wreckage on earth. Soon the thing returns to life to murder and possess the young man's mind.
Hidden at the edge of the forest, Achates and Doran froze when the Wraith Well burst to life. A deathbird shot out of the rippling surface of the Well and arced towards the villages.
Achates slapped Doran on the shoulder. "Go," he hissed. "Tell Keras what's happening."
Doran took off running and Achates crept cautiously into the clearing. Heart in his throat, he tracked the path of the ship. He could tell the exact moment when flight turned to falling. The horrible whine of the deathbird cut off abruptly and it plummeted from the sky like a stone. He lost sight of it when it dropped beneath the treeline, but he heard the crash and saw the plume of smoke rise up. He closed his eyes and breathed a silent prayer of thanks that the shield of the Ancestors had held, had protected them again.
The Well shut down after a few minutes, but he waited there until Keras sent two older boys to relieve him. The fear had passed and he was eager to see the fallen deathbird. It was easy to find-he followed the smoke and then the sound of voices.
The deathbird had crashed into the bluffs on the far side of the river. The ship was nothing more than a crumpled, smoldering mass of metal. To his disappointment, the elders would not let anyone cross the river to see it more closely.
"We will investigate it tomorrow," Keras said, "when it has cooled completely."
There was an impromptu celebration that night, with music and a bonfire. Achates snuck away close to midnight. He had tried to persuade Doran to come with him, but Doran had shuddered and said, "I'm not going anywhere near that thing at night. Truly, Achates, let it be."
Achates had shrugged off his arm and the offered wineskin, and went by himself to the river. The guards were gone. The river was shallow over the gravel flats there, and in summer no deeper than his knees when he waded across.
Up close there was still not much to see. He could barely tell it was a ship. He circled it hopefully, but it was still too hot to touch. Wandering down the riverbank, he found a few chunks of metal from the explosion, and something small and pretty and half-melted that he picked up and tucked away. He was about to give up and return with everyone else in the daylight when he stumbled over it. Literally. He turned to see what had tripped him and realized with a thrill of horror that it was an arm. A severed Wraith arm. He scrambled back away from it.
It did nothing, and after a moment, his racing heart slowed. He could bring this back, like a trophy, like the Wraith skeleton in the center of the village. The more he thought on it, the better the idea seemed. He would hide it away until the mid-summer festival and bring it out for the blessing ceremony. Everyone would be so impressed…
He approached warily and nudged it with the toe of his boot. It remained limp and inert. He stripped off his tunic and wrapped the arm up in it. He slunk back to the village, hugging his bundle to his chest. He met no one and his hut was empty when he returned. He wrapped the arm in a blanket and shoved it under his bed.
That night, Achates dreamed of what he had to do.
***
Radek and Lorne stood at the base of the gate ramp, waiting for the go. Lorne shot him a sideways glance.
"Sheppard says they're a great group of kids," he offered.
Radek snorted. Sheppard had, in fact, said the same thing to him, in his "I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing near you" voice. It had made Radek want to punch him very hard in the face.
"Tell me, Major, what did you do to piss Sheppard off?"
"Nothing! Nothing at all. Why, what did you do to piss McKay off?"
"I think it was getting out of bed this morning."
"Yeah," Lorne said glumly, acknowledging gate control with a wave, "Sometimes that's your big mistake right there," and they trudged up the ramp and through the gate.
Keras was waiting for them on the other side with a small delegation of children. Children who seemed very interested in the expensive Earth technology. Radek glared at them and cursed the day he had agreed with Rodney about the unpleasantness of children.
***
Radek pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment, then keyed his mic. "Taylor, Deveaux, have you reached the relay stations yet?"
They hadn't.
"I believe I have found the problem. Radio me when you have completed your diagnostics, and I will reactivate the shield."
"You know what is wrong?" Keras asked. "You can fix it?"
"Someone has removed the ZPM and reinserted it in the wrong orientation." The words "idiot children" hung in the air, unsaid but audible nonetheless. "It is simple to fix."
"I cannot believe any of my people would play with this device, now that we know its value."
"Maybe you should post a guard, just to be on the safe side," Lorne suggested.
"Of course, of course," Keras said, and left with a single anxious glance back.
***
"And at least Sheppard hasn't made any of the Marines cry," Lorne said as they walked back towards the ruins. They'd spent most of the trip commiserating about their superiors.
"Unwillingness to publicly crush the souls of subordinates is always a good trait in a leader."
The shield was up again; they'd found the edge by walking until the energy detector started working. Outside the shield, they'd been able to radio Taylor and Deveaux, who confirmed that the relay stations were working and the edge of the shield was where it was supposed to be. All they had to do now was pack up and they would be home in time for dinner.
"Still," Radek said. "At least McKay doesn't expect us to die horribly to protect the city."
Lorne rolled his eyes. "Sheppard doesn't expect us to die horribly while defending the city!"
Radek made a noncommittal noise.
"Okay," Lorne said after a moment, "maybe he's a little disappointed that we haven't made more of an effort on that front."
Radek was still grinning when came around the bend into the ruins. It had been a long day, however, full of tedious diagnostics and hiking on an alien planet, so when he saw the children clustered around the electronic equipment they'd left behind with Keras's guard, he might have reacted more sharply than he should have.
"Blbecek!" he shouted, lunging forward.
The kid holding the stunner yelped and spun around. There was a brilliant flash of light. The last thing Radek felt before he hit the ground was the sick shock of a Wraith stunner and a pleasant sense of vindication.
***
When he regained consciousness, he was staring at the ceiling of a hut while small children did something to his hair. And his face. They were apparently painting his face.
And he could do nothing about it.
He tried to will the children away with his mind, but that only gave him a headache. After awhile, he gave up and switched to his plans for revenge when he got back to Atlantis. He was on number seventeen, unpleasant things he would make come out of McKay's shower-cold water was for amateurs-when the last effects of the stunner blast wore off.
"Ngarghh," he said and sat up.
The children scattered as he stumbled out of the hut. Lorne made a valiant but ultimately futile attempt not to smile.
"Oh," Keras said. "They were supposed to ask your permission first. They meant it as an honor."
"An honor."
"Yes. Tonight we celebrate Midsummer's Eve, and the oldest man and the oldest woman in the village act as the spirits of the forest and the field for the blessing ceremony. As you are the oldest man in the village right now, we would be honored if you fulfilled that role."
Radek stared at him. "Ah, yes, I see. Charming. But that is not important now. What is important is-"
"That the shield is down again," Lorne said, not smiling anymore. "I told your engineers to rerun their diagnostics, but-"
Radek shook his head. "The relay stations draw power from the central generator to extend the shield. The field would not fail here if the problem was there. We must check the ZPM. Where was the guard?"
"Unconscious in the bushes. Someone choked him until he passed out and then hid him in some bushes. He doesn't remember anything."
Radek felt a cold little trickle of fear in his belly. "A Wraith? One who beamed down before the dart crashed?"
"Maybe," Lorne said quietly. "But if you ask me, the bruises on the guard's throat are a little small for Wraith hands."
"A human."
Lorne shrugged. "Either way, I told Grant and Hernandez to keep an eye out. Keras is assigning us extra guards, too."
***
It turned out the problem was the ZPM, or rather, the lack thereof.
Radek cursed under his breath and dug out the energy detector. "The ZPM was used recently-there will still be enough residual energy to track, if we act quickly."
They found it buried in a pile of leaves a few hundred meters away. On the way back to the generator, a boy stepped out of the woods in front of them.
"Achates!" one of the guards said. "Are you well?"
The boy looked awful, pale and sweating, with heavy dark circles under his eyes. Radek noted unhappily that he had a spear. He didn't respond to the question, but stood there swaying slightly from side to side. His eyes tracked slowly over everyone in the group, until they settled on the ZPM in Radek's arms.
For someone who looked so ill, he moved shockingly fast, making a sudden lunge for Radek. Lorne tackled Radek from the side, knocking him out of the spear's path. Achates stumbled as he missed his target, but recovered. Lorne rolled off Radek and brought the stunner up.
Achates made an inarticulate noise at the first shot and tried to turn. Lorne shot him again and he went down.
"Okay," Lorne said. "I'm beginning to see your point about children, Doc."
***
Keras looked down sadly at the unconscious boy. "I did not want to believe that any of my people would willingly help the Wraith. It is almost a relief to know he is merely sick, or mad."
"We can send a doctor to check on him, when we get back to Atlantis," Lorne said.
"We would be grateful. But we are pleased that you will stay with us tonight. And I am sure the other villages are honored to host your companions. Have you decided, Doctor, whether you will participate tonight? The children could finish painting you in no time!"
Tired, bruised, and already itching from the paint, Radek opened his mouth to tell them exactly what they could do with their offer. Lorne slung an arm around his shoulder and leaned in to whisper in his ear, "Remember if you kill one of them, it'll be a lot harder to come back and steal their ZPM in our time of need."
Radek turned his head to look at him. Lorne grinned. "Fine," he said to Keras through gritted teeth. "I am honored."
Radek looked back at Lorne. "Debile," he muttered.
Lorne grinned wider, slapped him on the back, and replied, "Polib mi prdel."
Radek gaped at him as he walked off.
***
What Keras hadn't mentioned was the fact that the blessing ceremony consisted of kissing everyone in the village. But it was only a chaste kiss on the lips or forehead, like the kiss of peace at Mass. After the second cup of their pale, sweet wine, Radek stopped worrying about it. He sat on the dais beside the woman crowned with flowers who was the spirit of the fields, and throughout the night the villagers came up to kneel and receive the blessing. Out of politeness to their hosts, Lorne kissed the field woman-he didn't exactly blush afterwards, but even in the torchlight, Radek could see the tips of his ears turn red-then stood behind Radek's chair like a bodyguard for the rest of the night. People brought them food and wine, and tried to convince him to dance.
By the end of the night, Radek was pretty sure he had kissed more people than he had in his entire life. His lips tingled; from the wine or the kisses he wasn't sure. The bonfire had died down, and the musicians had stopped playing. A few people continued to dance, and several more were curled up sleeping on the ground, but most had gone to bed, singly or in pairs. The woman of the fields had taken the hand of the last man she'd blessed and drawn him off into the shadows.
"Everyone has received the blessing from you, Doctor," Keras said. "Go and sleep, if you wish." He scooped up a snoring child from beneath the dais and left.
Lorne came around to stand in front of him, and offered him a hand. "You haven't completed the ritual, you know. You haven't kissed everyone."
"Who did I miss?"
Lorne pulled him to his feet, but didn't let go of his hand. Instead, he leaned in and pressed his lips to Radek's. Oh, Radek thought. Lorne's mouth was soft and warm and sweet as wine, though he hadn't been drinking.
That, of course, was when the disembodied Wraith arm attacked.
"Ow," Lorne said. "My ankle."
They looked down.
"HOLY-get it off, get it off!" Lorne flailed about, trying to shake off the arm.
"Hold still!" Radek said. He grabbed Lorne's shoulder to steady himself and kicked the arm hard. It didn't budge.
"Okay," Lorne said tightly. "It's really starting to hurt now."
"Give me your knife." Radek knelt and stabbed the arm through the wrist. The hand spasmed and released Lorne's ankle, only to fling itself at Radek.
Radek shrieked and lurched backwards. The arm gathered itself for another leap and Lorne swung his P-90 around like a baseball bat, knocking the thing aside.
Horrified shouts rang out around them, and other people came running. The arm scuttled forward, but a teenager pinned it to the ground with a spear. The arm was soon bristling with pointy objects. It could no longer move forward, but the hand continued to twitch and grasp at anything that came too close.
"It appears we will have to burn it," Radek said.
"Right," Lorne said. "Just let me get my knife back."
***
It was well after dawn when they finished searching the crash site for more Wraith parts. Just to be on the safe side, they had poured lamp oil over the largest pieces of wreckage and lit them on fire. Which left them enough time to pack up and meet the rest of the team at the stargate.
Exhausted, filthy, and reeking of burnt Wraith flesh, Radek and Lorne were the first ones there. Taylor and Hernandez showed up around mid-morning, looking entirely too smug and chipper. Taylor's face was painted and she wore a slightly crushed crown of flowers. That did not improve Radek's mood in the slightest. Deveaux arrived a little later, also painted and wearing straw in his hair. He was leaning heavily on his Marine and singing "Show Me the Way to Go Home" at the top of his lungs.
"I think he underestimated the strength of the wine," Grant said dryly.
Deveaux drew himself as upright as he could without actually letting go of Grant. "Radek, children were drinking it."
Radek felt his eyelid twitch.
"Okay, then," Lorne said hurriedly. "Home it is."
Elizabeth was waiting when they stepped through the gate. She took one look at his face and scheduled the debriefing for the next day. Radek grabbed a couple of passing scientists and explained that the sooner they got all the equipment back to the labs, the sooner they would be free to shower. The passing scientists took one look at his face and did not explain that showering wasn't a priority of theirs right then.
Because the day wasn't going badly enough already, they ran into McKay in the hallway.
"Hey, it's Mr. Mom! How were the kids?"
Radek choked on the description of how exactly the kids had been, which was a good thing, because the last sentence probably would have been, and I didn't even get to have sex in the end. The other scientists wisely kept their heads down and their feet moving.
"Do not even speak to me," he snarled, and continued to the labs.
In the infirmary, Carson took samples of the paint and foliage, and gave them a clean bill of health and instructions to return if they developed a rash.
The shower was everything Radek had hoped it would be, so when he looked in the mirror and saw that the paint hadn't washed off, he felt only a mild pang of irritation.
His door chimed. Lorne was on the other side. He'd obviously showered and changed as well. He held out a little pottery cup.
"Here," he said. "Keras gave this to me before we left. It'll take the paint off. I left some with Beckett for Taylor and Deveaux."
Radek eyed him for a moment, then grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside. He shoved him up against the wall.
"Hey, what-"
"Stop talking, please. It has been a shit day-I am at least getting a blow job out of it."
Lorne grinned. "Yeah, okay," he said, and kissed him.