(for lehunn) It Starts With a Promise
For: lehunn
Title: It Starts With a Promise
Pairings: Kai/D.O, [I advise you not to click this]Suho/Chen
Rating: R
Word Count: 6,632
Warnings: [I also advise you not to click this]character death/s, suicide, mental illness
Summary: i wish that I could wake up with amnesia / and forget about the stupid little things / like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you / and the memories I never can escape / 'cause I'm not fine at all
Author’s Note: thank you to c for giving this a quick once-over and for the very helpful suggestion. to a, thank you for your help despite the exchange deadlines you were buried in as well. to my betas j and c, you guys are my lifesavers. there aren't enough words in the world to show how grateful I am towards you guys. to lehunn, you had amazing prompts, I hope I was able to give at least one of them justice.
The loud banging sound echoes in the dead of the night and startles the nurses making their rounds. Jongdae almost spills his coffee. He instinctively turns his head to where the sound came from and peers through the hallways from the nurses' station.
The lighting of the hospital gives the halls an eerie ambiance, discouraging patients from wandering around. Another bang resonates from the hallway to Jongdae's right. He swallows as he realizes what may be causing it, or rather, who could be causing it.
A few of the new nurses nearby hear the commotion, and they approach the nurses’ station with questions at the ready for Jongdae. But almost everyone looks too sheepish to ask, eyes turning to each other to urge someone else. Jongdae pretends not to notice and waits for someone to ask.
Another bang sounds followed by another. Soon the banging becomes frequent and comes in shorter gaps, the sound consistent and loud, threatening to wake the sleeping patients. Jongdae faces the new nurses and waits for one of them to speak up, but none of the nurses have asked what's going on yet. Seeing as time is running out, he opens his mouth to tell them.
“Everyone -” The banging cuts him off as it is followed by muffled screaming.
The group of nurses have terrified looks on their faces and Jongdae curses knowing he doesn't have enough time to explain.
It’s fortunate that one of the senior nurses appear by the station. The look in the senior nurse’s eyes tell Jongdae he understands what's going on. Jongdae nods as he decides to give directions left and right rather than explain the situation.
"Nurse Sunkyu," he begins. "Please call Dr. Kim. Nurse Jinri, get me a tranquilizer. The rest of you follow me. I will explain the situation after we've calmed things down. Right now, everyone must follow my orders." The group nods and Jongdae exits out of the station, passing by the senior nurse. He stops and faces him.
"Chanyeol," he whispers. "Get Youngwoon and Jungsoo." Chanyeol nods and runs to get the nurses.
Jongdae motions for the group of nurses to follow him, walking with quick but quiet steps to where the commotion is loudest. The screaming echoes in the hallway and becomes clearer as they walk towards the room at the end of the hall. From the distance Jongdae's in, he notices the door vibrates with each bang.
"Head Nurse Kim," Jungsoo greets, walking further ahead from the group behind Jongdae. Beside him, Youngwoon stands with a ready expression.
"Youngwoon, Jungsoo, I want you guys to walk further ahead. On the count of three, we're going to open the door and you guys will have to force Patient Kim down." When he sees them nod, he signals for them to go ahead.
"Where's the tranquilizer?" Jongdae shouts to the group and Jinri squirms her way through the crowd with the tranquilizer at hand.
"Thanks," Jongdae says. He faces the group of nurses, and with a serious expression he says, "We're going to open that door on the count of three. The rest of you will have to help Youngwoon and Jungsoo pin Patient Kim down. Do not, at all cost, let him get away. Understood?"
When he hears the chorus of affirmative replies, Jongdae turns back and walks forward once more.
"Kyungsoo!" The screams echoes. "Kyungsoo! Where are you, Kyungsoo?" the patient shouts, each word emphasized with a bang.
"You can't hide him from me! Kyungsoo! Kyungsoo! Where are you, Kyungsoo? You don't have to worry! I'll protect you!"
Jongdae feels a shudder break through his body and he does his best to keep his expression calm. He doesn't want to alert the rest of the nurses. He takes a deep breath and tries not to let the screaming get to him.
"One," he begins counting, Youngwoon and Jungsoo just a few steps away from the door. "Two." Jongdae gulps and motions for the rest of the group to go before him. "Three!"
Youngwoon and Jungsoo unlock the door and barely a crack has been open, when the patient inside comes barreling through it. He collides with Youngwoon and Jungsoo's body wall but doesn't stop trying to fight their hold. He tries to push his body of out their hold, the task made more difficult by the straightjacket restricting his movements.
The other nurses gather around the patient to help Youngwoon and Jungsoo hold him down to the ground. Once the nurses have pinned the man down, Jongdae pulls the patient’s pants down and injects him with the tranquilizer.
"You're going to be alright now, Patient Kim," Jongdae shouts in the chaos.
The drug slows Patient Kim’s movement. Soon, he stops fighting from the nurses hold and lets his body fall limp in the arms of Youngwoon and Jungsoo. As they turn him around, Jongdae feels his heart ache at the tear tracks drying on his face.
"Kyungsoo," the patient whispers, his voice hoarse and broken from all the screaming. Jongdae watches the rabid look in the patient's eyes disappear, glazing over as the drug begins to take away his consciousness.
Jongdae lets out a deep breath, trying to ease the pressure on his chest. "Take him back to his room. Strap him down," he orders before motioning for the rest to follow him.
When they're farther from the room, he explains to the group the situation. "Patient Kim, a.k.a. Kim Jongin. He's been here for three years. He is under Dr. Kim Joonmyun. All you need to know is that he suffers from Schizophrenia and has gotten worse since being admitted here. Do Kyungsoo was his lover whom he witnessed die in a car crash. He has occasional psychotic episodes like this from time to time. It usually occurs at night, so please be a little more prepared and less frightened." When they all nod in understanding, Jongdae orders for them to go back to their rounds.
Jongdae goes back to the nurses' station and takes a seat, the adrenaline rush leaving a weariness in his bones. He aches for a soft bed where he can cover himself with warm blankets and rest his head on soft pillows.
"Head Nurse Kim." Sunkyu appears, interrupting Jongdae's daydreams. "Dr. Kim says he'll be here soon."
"Thank you, Sunkyu. If you have questions regarding the situation a while ago, direct them with your groupmates. In the meantime, you can continue with your rounds." Sunkyu nods and leaves the area, disappearing into one of the hallways in the hospital.
Jongdae relishes the momentary peace and quiet, refusing to look at the round clock on the wall in front of him. The cup of coffee has gone cold from neglect and he grimaces as he downs it in one go.
"Hey," Chanyeol greets, his loud voice almost booming in the station. "Nice work out there."
"Thanks, although I don't know if I should be glad that I handled the situation the way I did because I'm used to it." Chanyeol pats him on the back and gives him a comforting smile.
"You know," Chanyeol begins. "It's never our fault these patients turn out the way they do. You have to remember that."
Jongdae nods, the words doing very little to console how he feels.
"Patient Kim has been strapped down in his room. We've also locked the door," Youngwoon says as he and Jungsoo walk by the station. They hand Jongdae the key to Jongin's room and go back to their rounds.
As the minutes tick by, Jongdae lets temptation take the best of him and watches the clock. He counts down to the minutes it will take for Dr. Kim to arrive.
Barely ten minutes have passed when Dr. Kim rushes through the halls, his white coat haphazardly worn.
"Head Nurse Kim," he pants in greeting, gulping lungfuls of air as best as he can. "What happened?"
Jongdae gives him a rueful smile. "The usual. We have him sedated for now. Here's the key to his room so you can check on him. Ask Youngwoon to accompany you just in case something happens." Joonmyun nods in thanks as he walks away to look for Youngwoon.
Jongdae watches Joonmyun walk away, feels the pressure on his chest suffocate him and then looks away.
Joonmyun returns to the station almost thirty minutes later, parting ways with Youngwoon. Jongdae smiles at him.
"How was it?"
Joonmyun returns the smile albeit his a little more tired than Jongdae's. "His vital signs are normal. I'm guessing he must have had the same nightmare again and woke up." Joonmyun rubs the tiredness away from his eyes and sighs. "I'll have to wait until our session in the afternoon to make sure though."
Jongdae almost scoffs. Two years ago, when Jongin was first admitted, he did. But the situation calls for a different reaction this time around. He gives Joonmyun the most encouraging smile he can muster and wishes him luck.
"Thanks," Joonmyun whispers. "I'll be going home then. Gonna try and get as much sleep as I can."
"Good night, Dr. Kim," Jongdae says and he watches Joonmyun wave before walking away.
love is patient
The lights flashing before his closed eyes wakes Joonmyun's mind and he waits a few more minutes before he blinks them open. He sees a figure walk past before disappearing to the bathroom.
Joonmyun doesn't bother to greet his lover as he sits up from his desk. His back aches from sleeping in a slouched position and the feeling left on his face by sleeping on a flat surface stings. He shakes his head to wake him up and rubs the sting from his face. When he looks down at his desk, he grimaces when he realizes he fell asleep on Jongin’s profile. Inspecting it for drool, Joonmyun sighs in relief when he finds none.
He hears the shower run in the bathroom and Joonmyun stands from his desk to ready his things. When he hears the door open, Joonmyun takes his turn in the shower. He doesn't find his lover in the bathroom and so he locks the door and starts his day.
Darkness greets Joonmyun when he opens the door to their room. He takes careful steps to get ready, already used to such an environment. The lump on the bed tells him his lover has gotten cozy in the bed. When he finishes getting ready, he kneels down by the side of the bed and kisses his lover on the forehead.
"Good night," he whispers and then he leaves the room, closing the door on his way out.
Joonmyun arrives at the hospital early but the patients are already up and about. Some of his patients greet him when he walks by. Patients that think they're his doctor do the same and he greets them all with the gentlest smile he can muster.
Time doesn't fly by in the hospital today and Joonmyun doesn't know if he dreads it or not. His mind becomes preoccupied with Jongin's case, even as he makes his rounds. He tries to tone it down when he gets to one-on-one sessions with his patients, feeling his heart grow heavy as the hours go by.
A tall, muscular man who Joonmyun recognizes as Siwon, escorts Jongin to his office at the designated time and stands by the door. Before it closes, Joonmyun spots Baekhyun ready with a syringe in hand. Joonmyun greets Jongin as he normally does, a friendly smile on his face.
Jongin scoffs. "What? You gonna tell me that Kyungsoo isn't real again? You going to keep hiding him from me?"
"No, no." Joonmyun shakes his head, urgent to let Jongin know he sympathizes with him. "I just want to talk about what happened last night. Do you remember?"
A frightened expression replaces the hardened look Jongin wears. He squirms on the couch for a comfortable position and his eyes begin to glisten with unshed tears as he chokes back a sob.
"I saw Kyungsoo," Jongin whispers, his voice still hoarse and broken. "Doctors were taking him away from me." By this time, Jongin has let the tears fall, letting his sobs break his coherency but Joonmyun still understands. "There was so much blood and no one would tell me where he is. I just want to see Kyungsoo." He cries out and rests his head on his knees, having pulled them up towards his chest. "I just want to see Kyungsoo," he keeps repeating, whispering over and over again.
A few seconds tick by and Joonmyun watches as Jongin’s demeanor changes. His sobbing comes to a halt and he wipes his face on the fabric of his pants. He looks to Joonmyun's left and smiles, a bright innocent one that no longer fools anyone.
"Kyungsoo!" Jongin exclaims moving to where he thinks he sees Kyungsoo. "Kyungsoo, you're here, oh thank God! I was worried when I couldn't see you." Jongin moves as though someone holds him. Joonmyun only watches. He notes it down on Jongin's file.
Repeated the same story today. Aug. 8, 2017
It takes a few more seconds before Jongin sits back on the couch laughing and smiling. He talks to the space beside him and calls it Kyungsoo. When he finishes, he turns to Joonmyun and gives him an apologetic smile. This shocks Joonmyun and he hurriedly writes it down before he forgets.
"I'm sorry for my outburst last night," Jongin says, tilting his head to the side like an innocent child. "Kyungsoo told me I was causing you guys trouble and said I should apologize." Jongin turns to his left again and smiles, his eyes wide with expectation. When he closes them and leans in a little, Joonmyun thinks he may have gotten an imaginary pat on his head. Something in Joonmyun's heart stirs.
The rest of the session continues this way. Jongin interacts with the space beside him and Joonmyun does his best to pretend that he can see Kyungsoo, too. When the hour has passed, Joonmyun dismisses Jongin back to his room. Siwon escorts Jongin back, no longer surprised by the sudden changes in Jongin's mood.
Joonmyun relaxes back into his chair and makes a new note in Jongin's file.
Monitor Clozaril intake
Joonmyun finishes his food as best as he can with the images Jongin's stories give him, or what little stories he tells Joonmyun. The seat beside him scrapes against the floor as someone occupies it and he finds Dr. Lu, another psychiatrist, staring at him.
"How's your patient? Heard he caused a ruckus again." Lu Han's tone, although conversational, means something else entirely. Joonmyun sighs as he allows himself to confide in a friend, careful not to divulge too much information.
"His medication is supposed to help with his hallucinations and psychotic episodes but he might be finding ways to skip them." Joonmyun rubs his temples feeling a migraine start to form.
"At least he isn't suicidal," Lu Han retorts. Joonmyun cringes as the other doctor’s words make him think of a grim end for his patient.
"Not yet, you mean," Joonmyun whispers and Lu Han pats him on the back as comfortingly as possible.
"If it makes you feel better, my suicidal patient is starving himself to death that we had to sedate him so we could stick an IV into him." They both groan at the story, knowing it doesn't help the current predicament.
"I guess none of our patients are on the road to recovery, huh?" Lu Han doesn't wait for Joonmyun's answer. "But good luck with your patient. Remember, you can't give up on him."
love is kind
The door to Joonmyun’s office squeaks open and Joonmyun peers up from the folder he was reading in his lap to see Jongin with a slight smile on his face. Behind the patient walks Siwon, and as he closes the door, Baekhyun salutes to Joonmyun.
A giggle makes Joonmyun turn to face his patient and finds him seated on the couch with his legs crossed at the ankles. He doesn’t seem to notice Joonmyun looking at him as he keeps his gaze to his left.
“Kyungsoo,” Jongin scolds with a laugh. “You know I can’t do that.”
Joonmyun raises his brow but turns to peer down at Jongin’s profile on his lap. He pretends that he isn't listening in on the conversation Jongin is having with himself, hoping to catch something that will help him with the case. But Jongin doesn’t raise his voice anything above a whisper after that time.
It takes a while before Jongin faces Joonmyun. Jongin clears his throat as he sits up. The sound catches Joonmyun’s attention and he looks up from his papers to give Jongin his signature smile. Jongin's usual stoic expression has replaced the happiness that painted his face just a few seconds ago. Even so, Joonmyun takes it as a good sign and notes it down.
Back to his usual stoic expression when with me.
Only laughs and smiles at “Kyungsoo”
possibly no psychotic episodes anytime soon
After he’s finished writing, he observes Jongin one last time. The straightjacket he wears makes him look like he’s holding himself together. But he sits on the couch as straight as the jacket will allow him. Joonmyun feels glad that the hunch in his back that he had developed when he first started wearing the jacket has gone.
Jongin leans a little to the side and Joonmyun watches as the corners of his lips lift up into a small smile. Joonmyun sees him turn his head and finds a wide smile grace his features as he bends his head forward and keeps it suspended in the air. A groan sounds from Jongin and Joonmyun watches on perplexed at what’s going on in front of him.
Jongin sits up on the couch and glares at Joonmyun for a few seconds. After a few seconds, he sighs and softens his expression.
“Aren’t you going to ask me questions?” Jongin asks with obvious irritation but Joonmyun keeps his smile.
“Will you answer them?”
It takes a while for Jongin to respond. He turns his head away, avoiding Joonmyun’s eyes and there’s a second where he just looks wide eyed to his left before he sits up again.
“Maybe.” Jongin shrugs.
Joonmyun writes his observations as fast as possible before he proceeds to bombard Jongin with questions he has a feeling he will answer.
Asked him more personal questions than the basic
Answered most of them.
Improvements on his behavior with me.
Still interacting with “Kyungsoo”
Joonmyun eyes the nurses in the room and sees Jongdae, Chanyeol, Youngwoon, Jungsoo, Siwon and Baekhyun seated on the round table of the meeting room. Once he confirms they’re all complete, he takes a deep breath and drops Jongin’s profile on the table.
“I called you here today so we can discuss the current progress with Jongin.” Joonmyun watches as Baekhyun grabs the file and opens it. He doesn’t wait for everyone to glance at the folder before he continues to speak. “I’ve noticed during our sessions that he’s begun talking to me a bit more and has begun answering more personal questions instead of just avoiding the subject regarding Kyungsoo.”
“Is he finally telling you what he knows about the accident?” Chanyeol asks as the profile lands in his hands.
“Yes and it seems that he remembers exactly what happened. Every time he talks about it, he closes his eyes and seems to recall the accident. But he stops talking when I ask about the events after the accident.” Joonmyun sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“How does he seem to you guys when he’s not in psychotherapy?” Joonmyun asks.
“He’s been interacting with a few patients and has been a little bit more active in the group sessions,” Jungsoo replies just as the profile gets back to Joonmyun.
“How long has it been since his last psychotic episode?”
“Two weeks,” Jongdae replies.
Joonmyun writes all of their observations down on the folder and proceeds to ask more questions.
“Does he still talk to Kyungsoo?”
“A little?” Youngwoon replies. “Every time I give him his medication for breakfast, he seems to be talking less and less to himself.”
“Same for the free periods. Before, I’d notice how he’d spend time alone in the corner talking and laughing to himself. He seems to do that less now,” Siwon adds.
“What about at night?”
“It seems his interactions with Kyungsoo are bit more excessive at night, but they’re starting to lessen as well. When I give Jongin his medication, before he’d either be laughing in his room or talking loudly to himself. Now I hear only little laughter when I pass by,” Jongdae says.
“Are you all monitoring his Clozaril intake?” When all the nurses nod, he closes the folder.
“So, we can all conclude that he’s improving?”
“Yes,” they all reply.
“Okay, we’ll observe him for one more week and if he retains the behavior or improves a little more, we can make him stop wearing a straightjacket.” When they nod, Joonmyun continues. “But keep watching him as closely as possible. I have a bad feeling about his quick improvement.”
“What do you mean?” Jongdae asks.
“I’m not sure, either. It’s more of a gut feeling,” Joonmyun concludes. “In any case, let’s just keep observing him for now.
As the weeks go by, Jongin's outbursts have come to a halt and Joonmyun instructs for his straightjacket to be removed.
Jongin comes into Joonmyun's office with a smile on his face and he smiles at Joonmyun before dropping it as soon as it appeared. His eyes have lost some of their usual madness in them and Joonmyun takes it as a good sign.
"You seem to be in a good mood?" Joonmyun asks conversationally and Jongin nods as he settles into the couch facing Joonmyun.
"Yeah, Kyungsoo has been keeping me company at night." Both Jongin and Joonmyun's eyes widen at his words and Jongin grimaces, unable to take his words back. Joonmyun quickly calms his panicked expression, forcing it to a friendly smile.
"Really? That must help out a lot," Joonmyun adds. At those words, Jongin nods and tells Joonmyun about how Kyungsoo holds him to sleep and takes the nightmares away. He goes on and on about all the things he and Kyungsoo do at night and by the time he finishes, Joonmyun’s hand trembles as he writes on Jongin’s profile.
Still converses and interacts with Kyungsoo
Seems to be trying to keep it a secret.
Continuously monitor Clozaril intake and watch out for behavioral changes.
In the following sessions, Jongin comes in with the same happy expression. He no longer drops the smile he gives Joonmyun as soon as it had appeared. Joonmyun notes it down as an improvement but doesn’t let his guard down.
Joonmyun continues to ask more and more personal questions. Sometimes, he repeats old questions that Jongin refused to answer and would be surprised when Jongin answers them this time around. He braces himself for the moment Jongin will suddenly bring Kyungsoo into the topic, which he often does. And Jongin doesn’t disappoint as he recounts an old date story for Joonmyun to hear. He tells him of the happiness he felt that day, the love he’d been overwhelmed with when he was with Kyungsoo. But Joonmyun doesn’t hear anything about the Kyungsoo he spends time with at the moment. All Jongin does for the rest of the session is flood Joonmyun with his happy memories of Kyungsoo.
Even with the noticeable improvement, the unpleasant feeling in his gut continues to dwell with Joonmyun. The feeling doesn’t leave even as the session ends, and Joonmyun sighs as he massages his temple, feeling a migraine coming on.
With the recent improvement on Jongin’s behavior, Joonmyun decides to change his questions a little.
"Jongin," he begins, interrupting Jongin with his recollection of childhood memories. "Do you still talk to Kyungsoo?"
Jongin stiffens in his seat and he avoids Joonmyun’s gaze once more, going around the room before stopping at a spot to Joonmyun’s right. Something in his eyes flicker before he regains a calm composure. He sits back relaxed on the couch and smiles at Joonmyun.
"I don’t know what you’re talking about," he replies with a confident smile. But Joonmyun notices how his eyes continue to stay in the spot on Joonmyun’s right and doesn’t seem to see the psychiatrist at all. A chill runs down his spine.
At the end of the session, Joonmyun writes his observations down.
Doesn’t talk about “Kyungsoo” but tells stories of Kyungsoo
Whenever he is asked a difficult question, he looks around the room and then focuses on a spot before replying.
What is he focusing on?
Looked to my right and kept his gaze there as he answered my question about Kyungsoo.
He might be lying.
Even though the feeling in his gut never leaves, without answers to Joonmyun’s questions, he considers Jongin’s recent behavioral changes as an improvement. Even so, he still advises his staff to keep a close eye on Jongin and to monitor his medication.
Joonmyun scribbles on Jongin’s profile before facing the patient lying casually on the couch. Jongin’s free arms play with the air, drawing patterns that Joonmyun can’t picture. He laughs a few times, mostly to himself before quickly keeping quiet. Before he gets distracted again, Joonmyun clears his throat to begin his session with Jongin.
“So,” Joonmyun begins as Jongin straightens in his seat with a small smile on his face. “Do you remember what else happened after the accident?”
Jongin’s eyes widen before he looks away to avoid Joonmyun’s gaze. He looks from side to side before settling his gaze to his left, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. Joonmyun takes note of the action before waiting for Jongin to speak.
It takes a while before anyone breaks the silence that has enveloped the room. But when it does get broken, it’s Jongin who speaks. “Kyungsoo loves me.” His quiet voice echoes in the room but Joonmyun feels as though the words weren’t meant to be heard. “He’d never leave me.”
Unsure of whether he should respond, Joonmyun waits for Jongin to continue with a more concrete answer. Joonmyun looks on to see Jongin turn to his left, his eyes focused on the window of the wall. But Joonmyun has a feeling it’s not the window or the scene outside he’s looking at.
“All I remember, when I woke up, was that Kyungsoo was holding my hand.” A smile graces Jongin’s features and Joonmyun watches as his expression brightens and softens. His eyes never stop focusing on the window. “He was crying and was thankful that I’d finally opened my eyes.” Jongin closes his eyes and leans his head a little to the side. “He kept repeating the promise we’d made on the night of the accident.”
“What promise was that?”
Jongin doesn’t answer, only continues to further lean his head to the side and then stop at an awkward angle. Alarm bells begin ringing in Joonmyun’s mind and the pace of his heart quickens.
“Kyungsoo,” Jongin whispers, so soft that Joonmyun would have missed it over the sound of his heartbeat ringing in his ears. Jongin’s eyes open soon after, not noticing he’d just blurted out the name of his dead lover. He turns and smiles at Joonmyun as he replies, “We promised we’d never leave each other’s side.”
The unpleasant feeling in Joonmyun’s gut finally makes sense.
As an answer for his question has finally appeared, Joonmyun calls for an emergency meeting as soon as he can.
"I think Jongin’s condition has gotten worse." Joonmyun skips beating around the bush as soon as he sees his staff is complete. The surprise on the nurses’ faces clearly tells Joonmyun they had not been expecting this development. Joonmyun takes a deep breath and takes a seat on the table.
“What do you mean?” Chanyeol asks. Joonmyun resists the urge to bite his nail as he gathers his observations and thoughts into a more coherent sentence.
"In all his recent sessions, Jongin hasn’t been talking with the Kyungsoo of his imagination. He only talks about memories of him. Not once has he mentioned that he interacts with Kyungsoo, right?" When all the nurses nod, Joonmyun continues his explanation. “But whenever we’re having a session, there’s a time when he avoids my gaze, looks around the room before settling on a spot.”
"What are you implying? Couldn’t it just be a sign that he’s lying?" Baekhyun asks and Joonmyun shakes his head, feeling as though all the words are ready to spill out of him.
“Before, in our older sessions he would force his imaginary Kyungsoo to participate. He would always look to him and focus on the spot where that Kyungsoo would sit or stand. Not only that, but when I asked Jongin questions, he would always seem to be asking this Kyungsoo permission if he could answer them.” Joonmyun waits for everyone to process his words before continuing. “His behavior is not much of a difference from before. The only difference is that he’s making it seem like he isn’t interacting with Kyungsoo. But he slips sometimes.”
“What makes you so sure it’s that?” Jongdae asks.
Joonmyun sighs and rubs the fatigue out of his eyes. “Kyungsoo seems to have been the one who made decisions in the relationship. And Jongin seems to have always taken into consideration whatever Kyungsoo has to say. It’s not impossible for Jongin to want to keep this trait alive in his imaginary Kyungsoo, especially if it held a lot significance during the times when Kyungsoo was alive.”
Almost everyone in the room groans.
“Well, shit,” Chanyeol, the only one who doesn’t groan (save for Joonmyun), curses.
Joonmyun tries his best not to chuckle, but fails. It’s more out of frustration than actual humor.
“What do you suggest we do?” Siwon asks as he looks at Jongin’s profile and reads the notes Joonmyun’s written all over it.
"I suspect Kyungsoo’s been telling him do these things so we need to inspect his room in case he’s been cheating on his medication. We should probably be prepared for the worst. If Jongin’s going through the trouble of pretending to be better, I believe something even worse will happen.” When Joonmyun finishes, he dismisses everyone to go back to their rounds.
Jongdae stays and waits until all the people have left the room before approaching Joonmyun. Joonmyun rests his head on his intertwined hands and feels the comforting warmth of Jongdae’s hand on his back.
"I thought he was getting better." Joonmyun's voice doesn't break or falter, but the vulnerability in it echoes in the room.
Jongdae feels his heart quake. Joonmyun buries his head in his hands and breathes in heavily, almost as if he’s gasping for air. Jongdae sighs and slides his hand to Joonmyun's arm while whispering words he hopes will make Joonmyun feel better.
When Joonmyun has calmed, he looks up from his hands to see Jongdae give him a comforting smile.
"Whatever happens, it's not your fault. You have to believe that." Jongdae kneels down in front of Joonmyun and grips his arms tight. "Jongin loves Kyungsoo and as unbelievable as it may be, losing him became a terrible loss in Jongin's life. It literally made his heart and mind unable to cope."
Joonmyun nods despite barely understanding Jongdae's words. Right now, the warmth seeping from Jongdae's hands and the comfort laced in his tone is enough.
"You're a psychiatrist, Joonmyun. Your job is to help people, not cure them. Whatever happens, what matters is that you didn't give up."
love means slowly losing your mind
On January 12, 2018, Joonmyun warns his staff to be more cautious than ever. Having Jongin’s condition worsen and being admitted for almost four years, they have learned to expect the worst.
"Tomorrow," Joonmyun tells the nurses in the hospital. "Is the death anniversary of Jongin's lover. In the past, he would lash out as soon as he woke up. He would threaten to kill anyone and himself if he did not see Kyungsoo anywhere. We have reason to believe that he is still skipping his medication and has begun to follow the voices inside his head that may make him act out of character. Everyone must be careful. But please do not act out of ordinary." Joonmyun waits for the nods of understanding before dismissing the nurses gathered around. His staff remains behind him awaiting further instruction.
"Are you sure there was nothing you could find in his room?" Joonmyun confirms and they all nod.
"Okay, tomorrow, we will follow Jongin's schedule and prepare for the worst. You may go home."
Joonmyun sighs as he takes off his coat, hanging it limply on his arm and leaving the hospital. He pauses when he reaches his car, taking deep breaths and repeating a mantra of 'it's going to be okay,' in his head. His heart feels heavy all of a sudden and it makes it hard to leave the hospital.
He shakes off the feeling and drives home, letting the thought of his lover waiting for him at home take his mind off things.
Joonmyun comes to work earlier than expected. He walks the halls with his staff following closely behind him. When they reach the end of the hall, they find Siwon waiting by the door of Jongin’s room.
The time for the patient’s to take their morning medication comes and Joonmyun motions for Siwon to open the door. The quiet atmosphere makes their hearts pound. Siwon pulls open the door as fast as he can to get this over with. Siwon enters the room first and Joonmyun and the rest of his staff follow. The sight that greets them elicits a gasp from one of the nurses behind Joonmyun.
Jongin lies on the bed, his mouth frothing and his skin incredibly pale. A nurse peeking in gags and Baekhyun hurriedly turns to escort her away from the area. Chanyeol and Jungsoo barricade the door as Joonmyun presses two fingers to Jongin's wrist.
The arm in his hand feels as cold as ice and when he presses harder to feel for a pulse, nothing happens.
"He's dead," he confirms. Jongdae pats him on the back as they walk away.
Jongdae offers to make all the calls for Joonmyun. In turn, the psychiatrist tries his best to help, as his mind has become fuddled with unnecessary thinking. He keeps coming up with mistakes he didn't make and blames himself when he comes up with solutions for them. He only stops thinking when Jongdae rests a hand on his shoulder.
"The coroner will pick up the body as soon as possible and send us an autopsy report tomorrow," he informs Joonmyun.
"The autopsy report says Jongin died of drug overdose." Jongdae drops the papers on the table and takes a seat on one of the vacant chairs.
"He had ingested a lethal amount of exposed Clozaril pills," Jongdae informs the team. Joonmyun sits by the side, his silence making everyone wary to speak.
"I wonder if the Kyungsoo in his head drove him to do it," Baekhyun absentmindedly comments. He regrets the words as soon as they're out. They all turn to see Joonmyun's reaction, who only sits straighter in his chair, unperturbed. It surprises them when he replies.
"Probably." Joonmyun doesn't meet their eyes. "I think the Kyungsoo he thought of told him to do many things. From lying to us to killing himself." He takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes, feeling the burn ebb. "But I also think deep inside, he knew that Kyungsoo was no longer alive and he simply couldn't keep living with something that wasn’t real."
Joonmyun picks up the paper and looks for the time of death. He smiles ruefully and tries not to vomit, pushing the papers away from him.
"Jongin died almost the same time Kyungsoo did. Only a minute difference." Joonmyun shakes his head and whispers, "He definitely knew Kyungsoo died. He just refused to acknowledge it."
Joonmyun tries to rid himself of all thoughts of Jongin as he drives home. He fills his mind with thoughts of a warm bed and warm body, holding him through the night.
The lights of a car parked in the driveway tell Joonmyun his lover has just gotten home. He hurries in parking his car, right beside his lover's and meets him halfway through the door.
"Hey," Joonmyun calls out, voice almost inaudible. His lover turns to face him, the moonlight bathing him in its glow. He pulls Joonmyun in the house and closes the door behind him.
"Hey," he greets back. He steps forward until their chests are centimeters apart, the warmth of their bodies mingling with each other.
"Jongdae," Joonmyun whispers. He caresses Jongdae's cheeks with his hands. He thumbs the apple of his cheeks, shining from moonlight seeping through their windows.
"Are you alright?" Jongdae asks, his hands finding refuge on Joonmyun's arms. His grips the fabric of his white shirt as Joonmyun leans up to kiss him on the forehead.
"Nothing you can't fix," Joonmyun whispers, his lips grazing the skin of Jongdae's forehead.
In the past, Jongdae would have laughed and pushed Joonmyun away. But in the years that they've been through together, Jongdae has learned to empathize with Joonmyun. He has learned to let him feel vulnerable.
Jongdae simply kisses Joonmyun on his temple, whispering words of comfort in his ear. And despite barely understanding his words, Joonmyun feels comforted. He kisses the side of Jongdae’s neck and thanks him.
"I love you," Jongdae whispers, moving his arms to embrace Joonmyun. And it's those words that allow Joonmyun to push all thoughts of Jongin far away.
"I love you, too," Joonmyun replies as he pulls away and kisses Jongdae, a simple touch of the lips.
When they break apart, he smiles at the way Jongdae’s face glows. And he wonders, for just a second, if Jongin was this smitten with Kyungsoo to have been unable to let him go. The thought passes almost as soon as it comes and he focuses in the moment, focuses on Jongdae.
Joonmyun lets Jongdae bury him in his arms and chest. Jongdae holds him in a tight grip but Joonmyun doesn’t mind as he holds Jongdae just as tight. The desperation between them makes itself known.
"Joonmyun," Jongdae whispers, his hold on Joonmyun loosening just a bit. "Promise me that will never happen to us." Jongdae sounds more broken than he's ever been in all the years he's worked with Joonmyun.
"Don't love me so much that you lose yourself. Don't be like Jongin. Promise me," he continues. Joonmyun knows that Jongdae's trying to hold back his own tears and he swallows the lump in his throat.
Joonmyun pulls away, caresses Jongdae’s cheeks with both of his hands and sees the unshed tears glisten at the corner of Jongdae's eyes. He kisses them away as best as he can before looking into Jongdae’s eyes.
"We're never going to be like Jongin and Kyungsoo," Joonmyun whispers as Jongdae tightens the grip he has on Joonmyun’s polo. He leave kisses all over Jongdae’s face and kisses him on the lips just as he says, "I promise."
That night, Joonmyun dreams of Jongin for the last time.
"Kyungsoo promised he'd never leave me, that he'd always be beside me. Kyungsoo always keeps his promises."
notes:
disclaimer: I am not a psychiatrist/mental hospital nurse/patient. Everything I’ve written here is based purely on my research so I apologize for whatever inaccuracies I may have written. If you spot any, please leave them in the comments and I will do my best to fix them when the exchange is over.
1. Sunkyu, Jinri, Youngwoon, Jungsoo and Siwon - SMTOWN artists aka Sunny, Sulli, Kangin, Leeteuk and Siwon respectively.
2. The lines in between parts: “love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.” - Kevin Doyle; 27 Dresses
3. The summary comes for 5 Seconds of Summer’s Amnesia.
4. Read on Schizophrenia here. And Clozaril here.
5. A Day In The Life of A Mental Hospital Patient helped me a lot with the schedule. It’s a good read.
Title: It Starts With a Promise
Pairings: Kai/D.O, [I advise you not to click this]Suho/Chen
Rating: R
Word Count: 6,632
Warnings: [I also advise you not to click this]character death/s, suicide, mental illness
Summary: i wish that I could wake up with amnesia / and forget about the stupid little things / like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you / and the memories I never can escape / 'cause I'm not fine at all
Author’s Note: thank you to c for giving this a quick once-over and for the very helpful suggestion. to a, thank you for your help despite the exchange deadlines you were buried in as well. to my betas j and c, you guys are my lifesavers. there aren't enough words in the world to show how grateful I am towards you guys. to lehunn, you had amazing prompts, I hope I was able to give at least one of them justice.
The loud banging sound echoes in the dead of the night and startles the nurses making their rounds. Jongdae almost spills his coffee. He instinctively turns his head to where the sound came from and peers through the hallways from the nurses' station.
The lighting of the hospital gives the halls an eerie ambiance, discouraging patients from wandering around. Another bang resonates from the hallway to Jongdae's right. He swallows as he realizes what may be causing it, or rather, who could be causing it.
A few of the new nurses nearby hear the commotion, and they approach the nurses’ station with questions at the ready for Jongdae. But almost everyone looks too sheepish to ask, eyes turning to each other to urge someone else. Jongdae pretends not to notice and waits for someone to ask.
Another bang sounds followed by another. Soon the banging becomes frequent and comes in shorter gaps, the sound consistent and loud, threatening to wake the sleeping patients. Jongdae faces the new nurses and waits for one of them to speak up, but none of the nurses have asked what's going on yet. Seeing as time is running out, he opens his mouth to tell them.
“Everyone -” The banging cuts him off as it is followed by muffled screaming.
The group of nurses have terrified looks on their faces and Jongdae curses knowing he doesn't have enough time to explain.
It’s fortunate that one of the senior nurses appear by the station. The look in the senior nurse’s eyes tell Jongdae he understands what's going on. Jongdae nods as he decides to give directions left and right rather than explain the situation.
"Nurse Sunkyu," he begins. "Please call Dr. Kim. Nurse Jinri, get me a tranquilizer. The rest of you follow me. I will explain the situation after we've calmed things down. Right now, everyone must follow my orders." The group nods and Jongdae exits out of the station, passing by the senior nurse. He stops and faces him.
"Chanyeol," he whispers. "Get Youngwoon and Jungsoo." Chanyeol nods and runs to get the nurses.
Jongdae motions for the group of nurses to follow him, walking with quick but quiet steps to where the commotion is loudest. The screaming echoes in the hallway and becomes clearer as they walk towards the room at the end of the hall. From the distance Jongdae's in, he notices the door vibrates with each bang.
"Head Nurse Kim," Jungsoo greets, walking further ahead from the group behind Jongdae. Beside him, Youngwoon stands with a ready expression.
"Youngwoon, Jungsoo, I want you guys to walk further ahead. On the count of three, we're going to open the door and you guys will have to force Patient Kim down." When he sees them nod, he signals for them to go ahead.
"Where's the tranquilizer?" Jongdae shouts to the group and Jinri squirms her way through the crowd with the tranquilizer at hand.
"Thanks," Jongdae says. He faces the group of nurses, and with a serious expression he says, "We're going to open that door on the count of three. The rest of you will have to help Youngwoon and Jungsoo pin Patient Kim down. Do not, at all cost, let him get away. Understood?"
When he hears the chorus of affirmative replies, Jongdae turns back and walks forward once more.
"Kyungsoo!" The screams echoes. "Kyungsoo! Where are you, Kyungsoo?" the patient shouts, each word emphasized with a bang.
"You can't hide him from me! Kyungsoo! Kyungsoo! Where are you, Kyungsoo? You don't have to worry! I'll protect you!"
Jongdae feels a shudder break through his body and he does his best to keep his expression calm. He doesn't want to alert the rest of the nurses. He takes a deep breath and tries not to let the screaming get to him.
"One," he begins counting, Youngwoon and Jungsoo just a few steps away from the door. "Two." Jongdae gulps and motions for the rest of the group to go before him. "Three!"
Youngwoon and Jungsoo unlock the door and barely a crack has been open, when the patient inside comes barreling through it. He collides with Youngwoon and Jungsoo's body wall but doesn't stop trying to fight their hold. He tries to push his body of out their hold, the task made more difficult by the straightjacket restricting his movements.
The other nurses gather around the patient to help Youngwoon and Jungsoo hold him down to the ground. Once the nurses have pinned the man down, Jongdae pulls the patient’s pants down and injects him with the tranquilizer.
"You're going to be alright now, Patient Kim," Jongdae shouts in the chaos.
The drug slows Patient Kim’s movement. Soon, he stops fighting from the nurses hold and lets his body fall limp in the arms of Youngwoon and Jungsoo. As they turn him around, Jongdae feels his heart ache at the tear tracks drying on his face.
"Kyungsoo," the patient whispers, his voice hoarse and broken from all the screaming. Jongdae watches the rabid look in the patient's eyes disappear, glazing over as the drug begins to take away his consciousness.
Jongdae lets out a deep breath, trying to ease the pressure on his chest. "Take him back to his room. Strap him down," he orders before motioning for the rest to follow him.
When they're farther from the room, he explains to the group the situation. "Patient Kim, a.k.a. Kim Jongin. He's been here for three years. He is under Dr. Kim Joonmyun. All you need to know is that he suffers from Schizophrenia and has gotten worse since being admitted here. Do Kyungsoo was his lover whom he witnessed die in a car crash. He has occasional psychotic episodes like this from time to time. It usually occurs at night, so please be a little more prepared and less frightened." When they all nod in understanding, Jongdae orders for them to go back to their rounds.
Jongdae goes back to the nurses' station and takes a seat, the adrenaline rush leaving a weariness in his bones. He aches for a soft bed where he can cover himself with warm blankets and rest his head on soft pillows.
"Head Nurse Kim." Sunkyu appears, interrupting Jongdae's daydreams. "Dr. Kim says he'll be here soon."
"Thank you, Sunkyu. If you have questions regarding the situation a while ago, direct them with your groupmates. In the meantime, you can continue with your rounds." Sunkyu nods and leaves the area, disappearing into one of the hallways in the hospital.
Jongdae relishes the momentary peace and quiet, refusing to look at the round clock on the wall in front of him. The cup of coffee has gone cold from neglect and he grimaces as he downs it in one go.
"Hey," Chanyeol greets, his loud voice almost booming in the station. "Nice work out there."
"Thanks, although I don't know if I should be glad that I handled the situation the way I did because I'm used to it." Chanyeol pats him on the back and gives him a comforting smile.
"You know," Chanyeol begins. "It's never our fault these patients turn out the way they do. You have to remember that."
Jongdae nods, the words doing very little to console how he feels.
"Patient Kim has been strapped down in his room. We've also locked the door," Youngwoon says as he and Jungsoo walk by the station. They hand Jongdae the key to Jongin's room and go back to their rounds.
As the minutes tick by, Jongdae lets temptation take the best of him and watches the clock. He counts down to the minutes it will take for Dr. Kim to arrive.
Barely ten minutes have passed when Dr. Kim rushes through the halls, his white coat haphazardly worn.
"Head Nurse Kim," he pants in greeting, gulping lungfuls of air as best as he can. "What happened?"
Jongdae gives him a rueful smile. "The usual. We have him sedated for now. Here's the key to his room so you can check on him. Ask Youngwoon to accompany you just in case something happens." Joonmyun nods in thanks as he walks away to look for Youngwoon.
Jongdae watches Joonmyun walk away, feels the pressure on his chest suffocate him and then looks away.
Joonmyun returns to the station almost thirty minutes later, parting ways with Youngwoon. Jongdae smiles at him.
"How was it?"
Joonmyun returns the smile albeit his a little more tired than Jongdae's. "His vital signs are normal. I'm guessing he must have had the same nightmare again and woke up." Joonmyun rubs the tiredness away from his eyes and sighs. "I'll have to wait until our session in the afternoon to make sure though."
Jongdae almost scoffs. Two years ago, when Jongin was first admitted, he did. But the situation calls for a different reaction this time around. He gives Joonmyun the most encouraging smile he can muster and wishes him luck.
"Thanks," Joonmyun whispers. "I'll be going home then. Gonna try and get as much sleep as I can."
"Good night, Dr. Kim," Jongdae says and he watches Joonmyun wave before walking away.
love is patient
The lights flashing before his closed eyes wakes Joonmyun's mind and he waits a few more minutes before he blinks them open. He sees a figure walk past before disappearing to the bathroom.
Joonmyun doesn't bother to greet his lover as he sits up from his desk. His back aches from sleeping in a slouched position and the feeling left on his face by sleeping on a flat surface stings. He shakes his head to wake him up and rubs the sting from his face. When he looks down at his desk, he grimaces when he realizes he fell asleep on Jongin’s profile. Inspecting it for drool, Joonmyun sighs in relief when he finds none.
He hears the shower run in the bathroom and Joonmyun stands from his desk to ready his things. When he hears the door open, Joonmyun takes his turn in the shower. He doesn't find his lover in the bathroom and so he locks the door and starts his day.
Darkness greets Joonmyun when he opens the door to their room. He takes careful steps to get ready, already used to such an environment. The lump on the bed tells him his lover has gotten cozy in the bed. When he finishes getting ready, he kneels down by the side of the bed and kisses his lover on the forehead.
"Good night," he whispers and then he leaves the room, closing the door on his way out.
Joonmyun arrives at the hospital early but the patients are already up and about. Some of his patients greet him when he walks by. Patients that think they're his doctor do the same and he greets them all with the gentlest smile he can muster.
Time doesn't fly by in the hospital today and Joonmyun doesn't know if he dreads it or not. His mind becomes preoccupied with Jongin's case, even as he makes his rounds. He tries to tone it down when he gets to one-on-one sessions with his patients, feeling his heart grow heavy as the hours go by.
A tall, muscular man who Joonmyun recognizes as Siwon, escorts Jongin to his office at the designated time and stands by the door. Before it closes, Joonmyun spots Baekhyun ready with a syringe in hand. Joonmyun greets Jongin as he normally does, a friendly smile on his face.
Jongin scoffs. "What? You gonna tell me that Kyungsoo isn't real again? You going to keep hiding him from me?"
"No, no." Joonmyun shakes his head, urgent to let Jongin know he sympathizes with him. "I just want to talk about what happened last night. Do you remember?"
A frightened expression replaces the hardened look Jongin wears. He squirms on the couch for a comfortable position and his eyes begin to glisten with unshed tears as he chokes back a sob.
"I saw Kyungsoo," Jongin whispers, his voice still hoarse and broken. "Doctors were taking him away from me." By this time, Jongin has let the tears fall, letting his sobs break his coherency but Joonmyun still understands. "There was so much blood and no one would tell me where he is. I just want to see Kyungsoo." He cries out and rests his head on his knees, having pulled them up towards his chest. "I just want to see Kyungsoo," he keeps repeating, whispering over and over again.
A few seconds tick by and Joonmyun watches as Jongin’s demeanor changes. His sobbing comes to a halt and he wipes his face on the fabric of his pants. He looks to Joonmyun's left and smiles, a bright innocent one that no longer fools anyone.
"Kyungsoo!" Jongin exclaims moving to where he thinks he sees Kyungsoo. "Kyungsoo, you're here, oh thank God! I was worried when I couldn't see you." Jongin moves as though someone holds him. Joonmyun only watches. He notes it down on Jongin's file.
Repeated the same story today. Aug. 8, 2017
It takes a few more seconds before Jongin sits back on the couch laughing and smiling. He talks to the space beside him and calls it Kyungsoo. When he finishes, he turns to Joonmyun and gives him an apologetic smile. This shocks Joonmyun and he hurriedly writes it down before he forgets.
"I'm sorry for my outburst last night," Jongin says, tilting his head to the side like an innocent child. "Kyungsoo told me I was causing you guys trouble and said I should apologize." Jongin turns to his left again and smiles, his eyes wide with expectation. When he closes them and leans in a little, Joonmyun thinks he may have gotten an imaginary pat on his head. Something in Joonmyun's heart stirs.
The rest of the session continues this way. Jongin interacts with the space beside him and Joonmyun does his best to pretend that he can see Kyungsoo, too. When the hour has passed, Joonmyun dismisses Jongin back to his room. Siwon escorts Jongin back, no longer surprised by the sudden changes in Jongin's mood.
Joonmyun relaxes back into his chair and makes a new note in Jongin's file.
Monitor Clozaril intake
Joonmyun finishes his food as best as he can with the images Jongin's stories give him, or what little stories he tells Joonmyun. The seat beside him scrapes against the floor as someone occupies it and he finds Dr. Lu, another psychiatrist, staring at him.
"How's your patient? Heard he caused a ruckus again." Lu Han's tone, although conversational, means something else entirely. Joonmyun sighs as he allows himself to confide in a friend, careful not to divulge too much information.
"His medication is supposed to help with his hallucinations and psychotic episodes but he might be finding ways to skip them." Joonmyun rubs his temples feeling a migraine start to form.
"At least he isn't suicidal," Lu Han retorts. Joonmyun cringes as the other doctor’s words make him think of a grim end for his patient.
"Not yet, you mean," Joonmyun whispers and Lu Han pats him on the back as comfortingly as possible.
"If it makes you feel better, my suicidal patient is starving himself to death that we had to sedate him so we could stick an IV into him." They both groan at the story, knowing it doesn't help the current predicament.
"I guess none of our patients are on the road to recovery, huh?" Lu Han doesn't wait for Joonmyun's answer. "But good luck with your patient. Remember, you can't give up on him."
love is kind
The door to Joonmyun’s office squeaks open and Joonmyun peers up from the folder he was reading in his lap to see Jongin with a slight smile on his face. Behind the patient walks Siwon, and as he closes the door, Baekhyun salutes to Joonmyun.
A giggle makes Joonmyun turn to face his patient and finds him seated on the couch with his legs crossed at the ankles. He doesn’t seem to notice Joonmyun looking at him as he keeps his gaze to his left.
“Kyungsoo,” Jongin scolds with a laugh. “You know I can’t do that.”
Joonmyun raises his brow but turns to peer down at Jongin’s profile on his lap. He pretends that he isn't listening in on the conversation Jongin is having with himself, hoping to catch something that will help him with the case. But Jongin doesn’t raise his voice anything above a whisper after that time.
It takes a while before Jongin faces Joonmyun. Jongin clears his throat as he sits up. The sound catches Joonmyun’s attention and he looks up from his papers to give Jongin his signature smile. Jongin's usual stoic expression has replaced the happiness that painted his face just a few seconds ago. Even so, Joonmyun takes it as a good sign and notes it down.
Back to his usual stoic expression when with me.
Only laughs and smiles at “Kyungsoo”
possibly no psychotic episodes anytime soon
After he’s finished writing, he observes Jongin one last time. The straightjacket he wears makes him look like he’s holding himself together. But he sits on the couch as straight as the jacket will allow him. Joonmyun feels glad that the hunch in his back that he had developed when he first started wearing the jacket has gone.
Jongin leans a little to the side and Joonmyun watches as the corners of his lips lift up into a small smile. Joonmyun sees him turn his head and finds a wide smile grace his features as he bends his head forward and keeps it suspended in the air. A groan sounds from Jongin and Joonmyun watches on perplexed at what’s going on in front of him.
Jongin sits up on the couch and glares at Joonmyun for a few seconds. After a few seconds, he sighs and softens his expression.
“Aren’t you going to ask me questions?” Jongin asks with obvious irritation but Joonmyun keeps his smile.
“Will you answer them?”
It takes a while for Jongin to respond. He turns his head away, avoiding Joonmyun’s eyes and there’s a second where he just looks wide eyed to his left before he sits up again.
“Maybe.” Jongin shrugs.
Joonmyun writes his observations as fast as possible before he proceeds to bombard Jongin with questions he has a feeling he will answer.
Asked him more personal questions than the basic
Answered most of them.
Improvements on his behavior with me.
Still interacting with “Kyungsoo”
Joonmyun eyes the nurses in the room and sees Jongdae, Chanyeol, Youngwoon, Jungsoo, Siwon and Baekhyun seated on the round table of the meeting room. Once he confirms they’re all complete, he takes a deep breath and drops Jongin’s profile on the table.
“I called you here today so we can discuss the current progress with Jongin.” Joonmyun watches as Baekhyun grabs the file and opens it. He doesn’t wait for everyone to glance at the folder before he continues to speak. “I’ve noticed during our sessions that he’s begun talking to me a bit more and has begun answering more personal questions instead of just avoiding the subject regarding Kyungsoo.”
“Is he finally telling you what he knows about the accident?” Chanyeol asks as the profile lands in his hands.
“Yes and it seems that he remembers exactly what happened. Every time he talks about it, he closes his eyes and seems to recall the accident. But he stops talking when I ask about the events after the accident.” Joonmyun sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.
“How does he seem to you guys when he’s not in psychotherapy?” Joonmyun asks.
“He’s been interacting with a few patients and has been a little bit more active in the group sessions,” Jungsoo replies just as the profile gets back to Joonmyun.
“How long has it been since his last psychotic episode?”
“Two weeks,” Jongdae replies.
Joonmyun writes all of their observations down on the folder and proceeds to ask more questions.
“Does he still talk to Kyungsoo?”
“A little?” Youngwoon replies. “Every time I give him his medication for breakfast, he seems to be talking less and less to himself.”
“Same for the free periods. Before, I’d notice how he’d spend time alone in the corner talking and laughing to himself. He seems to do that less now,” Siwon adds.
“What about at night?”
“It seems his interactions with Kyungsoo are bit more excessive at night, but they’re starting to lessen as well. When I give Jongin his medication, before he’d either be laughing in his room or talking loudly to himself. Now I hear only little laughter when I pass by,” Jongdae says.
“Are you all monitoring his Clozaril intake?” When all the nurses nod, he closes the folder.
“So, we can all conclude that he’s improving?”
“Yes,” they all reply.
“Okay, we’ll observe him for one more week and if he retains the behavior or improves a little more, we can make him stop wearing a straightjacket.” When they nod, Joonmyun continues. “But keep watching him as closely as possible. I have a bad feeling about his quick improvement.”
“What do you mean?” Jongdae asks.
“I’m not sure, either. It’s more of a gut feeling,” Joonmyun concludes. “In any case, let’s just keep observing him for now.
As the weeks go by, Jongin's outbursts have come to a halt and Joonmyun instructs for his straightjacket to be removed.
Jongin comes into Joonmyun's office with a smile on his face and he smiles at Joonmyun before dropping it as soon as it appeared. His eyes have lost some of their usual madness in them and Joonmyun takes it as a good sign.
"You seem to be in a good mood?" Joonmyun asks conversationally and Jongin nods as he settles into the couch facing Joonmyun.
"Yeah, Kyungsoo has been keeping me company at night." Both Jongin and Joonmyun's eyes widen at his words and Jongin grimaces, unable to take his words back. Joonmyun quickly calms his panicked expression, forcing it to a friendly smile.
"Really? That must help out a lot," Joonmyun adds. At those words, Jongin nods and tells Joonmyun about how Kyungsoo holds him to sleep and takes the nightmares away. He goes on and on about all the things he and Kyungsoo do at night and by the time he finishes, Joonmyun’s hand trembles as he writes on Jongin’s profile.
Still converses and interacts with Kyungsoo
Seems to be trying to keep it a secret.
Continuously monitor Clozaril intake and watch out for behavioral changes.
In the following sessions, Jongin comes in with the same happy expression. He no longer drops the smile he gives Joonmyun as soon as it had appeared. Joonmyun notes it down as an improvement but doesn’t let his guard down.
Joonmyun continues to ask more and more personal questions. Sometimes, he repeats old questions that Jongin refused to answer and would be surprised when Jongin answers them this time around. He braces himself for the moment Jongin will suddenly bring Kyungsoo into the topic, which he often does. And Jongin doesn’t disappoint as he recounts an old date story for Joonmyun to hear. He tells him of the happiness he felt that day, the love he’d been overwhelmed with when he was with Kyungsoo. But Joonmyun doesn’t hear anything about the Kyungsoo he spends time with at the moment. All Jongin does for the rest of the session is flood Joonmyun with his happy memories of Kyungsoo.
Even with the noticeable improvement, the unpleasant feeling in his gut continues to dwell with Joonmyun. The feeling doesn’t leave even as the session ends, and Joonmyun sighs as he massages his temple, feeling a migraine coming on.
With the recent improvement on Jongin’s behavior, Joonmyun decides to change his questions a little.
"Jongin," he begins, interrupting Jongin with his recollection of childhood memories. "Do you still talk to Kyungsoo?"
Jongin stiffens in his seat and he avoids Joonmyun’s gaze once more, going around the room before stopping at a spot to Joonmyun’s right. Something in his eyes flicker before he regains a calm composure. He sits back relaxed on the couch and smiles at Joonmyun.
"I don’t know what you’re talking about," he replies with a confident smile. But Joonmyun notices how his eyes continue to stay in the spot on Joonmyun’s right and doesn’t seem to see the psychiatrist at all. A chill runs down his spine.
At the end of the session, Joonmyun writes his observations down.
Doesn’t talk about “Kyungsoo” but tells stories of Kyungsoo
Whenever he is asked a difficult question, he looks around the room and then focuses on a spot before replying.
What is he focusing on?
Looked to my right and kept his gaze there as he answered my question about Kyungsoo.
He might be lying.
Even though the feeling in his gut never leaves, without answers to Joonmyun’s questions, he considers Jongin’s recent behavioral changes as an improvement. Even so, he still advises his staff to keep a close eye on Jongin and to monitor his medication.
Joonmyun scribbles on Jongin’s profile before facing the patient lying casually on the couch. Jongin’s free arms play with the air, drawing patterns that Joonmyun can’t picture. He laughs a few times, mostly to himself before quickly keeping quiet. Before he gets distracted again, Joonmyun clears his throat to begin his session with Jongin.
“So,” Joonmyun begins as Jongin straightens in his seat with a small smile on his face. “Do you remember what else happened after the accident?”
Jongin’s eyes widen before he looks away to avoid Joonmyun’s gaze. He looks from side to side before settling his gaze to his left, keeping his eyes trained on the floor. Joonmyun takes note of the action before waiting for Jongin to speak.
It takes a while before anyone breaks the silence that has enveloped the room. But when it does get broken, it’s Jongin who speaks. “Kyungsoo loves me.” His quiet voice echoes in the room but Joonmyun feels as though the words weren’t meant to be heard. “He’d never leave me.”
Unsure of whether he should respond, Joonmyun waits for Jongin to continue with a more concrete answer. Joonmyun looks on to see Jongin turn to his left, his eyes focused on the window of the wall. But Joonmyun has a feeling it’s not the window or the scene outside he’s looking at.
“All I remember, when I woke up, was that Kyungsoo was holding my hand.” A smile graces Jongin’s features and Joonmyun watches as his expression brightens and softens. His eyes never stop focusing on the window. “He was crying and was thankful that I’d finally opened my eyes.” Jongin closes his eyes and leans his head a little to the side. “He kept repeating the promise we’d made on the night of the accident.”
“What promise was that?”
Jongin doesn’t answer, only continues to further lean his head to the side and then stop at an awkward angle. Alarm bells begin ringing in Joonmyun’s mind and the pace of his heart quickens.
“Kyungsoo,” Jongin whispers, so soft that Joonmyun would have missed it over the sound of his heartbeat ringing in his ears. Jongin’s eyes open soon after, not noticing he’d just blurted out the name of his dead lover. He turns and smiles at Joonmyun as he replies, “We promised we’d never leave each other’s side.”
The unpleasant feeling in Joonmyun’s gut finally makes sense.
As an answer for his question has finally appeared, Joonmyun calls for an emergency meeting as soon as he can.
"I think Jongin’s condition has gotten worse." Joonmyun skips beating around the bush as soon as he sees his staff is complete. The surprise on the nurses’ faces clearly tells Joonmyun they had not been expecting this development. Joonmyun takes a deep breath and takes a seat on the table.
“What do you mean?” Chanyeol asks. Joonmyun resists the urge to bite his nail as he gathers his observations and thoughts into a more coherent sentence.
"In all his recent sessions, Jongin hasn’t been talking with the Kyungsoo of his imagination. He only talks about memories of him. Not once has he mentioned that he interacts with Kyungsoo, right?" When all the nurses nod, Joonmyun continues his explanation. “But whenever we’re having a session, there’s a time when he avoids my gaze, looks around the room before settling on a spot.”
"What are you implying? Couldn’t it just be a sign that he’s lying?" Baekhyun asks and Joonmyun shakes his head, feeling as though all the words are ready to spill out of him.
“Before, in our older sessions he would force his imaginary Kyungsoo to participate. He would always look to him and focus on the spot where that Kyungsoo would sit or stand. Not only that, but when I asked Jongin questions, he would always seem to be asking this Kyungsoo permission if he could answer them.” Joonmyun waits for everyone to process his words before continuing. “His behavior is not much of a difference from before. The only difference is that he’s making it seem like he isn’t interacting with Kyungsoo. But he slips sometimes.”
“What makes you so sure it’s that?” Jongdae asks.
Joonmyun sighs and rubs the fatigue out of his eyes. “Kyungsoo seems to have been the one who made decisions in the relationship. And Jongin seems to have always taken into consideration whatever Kyungsoo has to say. It’s not impossible for Jongin to want to keep this trait alive in his imaginary Kyungsoo, especially if it held a lot significance during the times when Kyungsoo was alive.”
Almost everyone in the room groans.
“Well, shit,” Chanyeol, the only one who doesn’t groan (save for Joonmyun), curses.
Joonmyun tries his best not to chuckle, but fails. It’s more out of frustration than actual humor.
“What do you suggest we do?” Siwon asks as he looks at Jongin’s profile and reads the notes Joonmyun’s written all over it.
"I suspect Kyungsoo’s been telling him do these things so we need to inspect his room in case he’s been cheating on his medication. We should probably be prepared for the worst. If Jongin’s going through the trouble of pretending to be better, I believe something even worse will happen.” When Joonmyun finishes, he dismisses everyone to go back to their rounds.
Jongdae stays and waits until all the people have left the room before approaching Joonmyun. Joonmyun rests his head on his intertwined hands and feels the comforting warmth of Jongdae’s hand on his back.
"I thought he was getting better." Joonmyun's voice doesn't break or falter, but the vulnerability in it echoes in the room.
Jongdae feels his heart quake. Joonmyun buries his head in his hands and breathes in heavily, almost as if he’s gasping for air. Jongdae sighs and slides his hand to Joonmyun's arm while whispering words he hopes will make Joonmyun feel better.
When Joonmyun has calmed, he looks up from his hands to see Jongdae give him a comforting smile.
"Whatever happens, it's not your fault. You have to believe that." Jongdae kneels down in front of Joonmyun and grips his arms tight. "Jongin loves Kyungsoo and as unbelievable as it may be, losing him became a terrible loss in Jongin's life. It literally made his heart and mind unable to cope."
Joonmyun nods despite barely understanding Jongdae's words. Right now, the warmth seeping from Jongdae's hands and the comfort laced in his tone is enough.
"You're a psychiatrist, Joonmyun. Your job is to help people, not cure them. Whatever happens, what matters is that you didn't give up."
love means slowly losing your mind
On January 12, 2018, Joonmyun warns his staff to be more cautious than ever. Having Jongin’s condition worsen and being admitted for almost four years, they have learned to expect the worst.
"Tomorrow," Joonmyun tells the nurses in the hospital. "Is the death anniversary of Jongin's lover. In the past, he would lash out as soon as he woke up. He would threaten to kill anyone and himself if he did not see Kyungsoo anywhere. We have reason to believe that he is still skipping his medication and has begun to follow the voices inside his head that may make him act out of character. Everyone must be careful. But please do not act out of ordinary." Joonmyun waits for the nods of understanding before dismissing the nurses gathered around. His staff remains behind him awaiting further instruction.
"Are you sure there was nothing you could find in his room?" Joonmyun confirms and they all nod.
"Okay, tomorrow, we will follow Jongin's schedule and prepare for the worst. You may go home."
Joonmyun sighs as he takes off his coat, hanging it limply on his arm and leaving the hospital. He pauses when he reaches his car, taking deep breaths and repeating a mantra of 'it's going to be okay,' in his head. His heart feels heavy all of a sudden and it makes it hard to leave the hospital.
He shakes off the feeling and drives home, letting the thought of his lover waiting for him at home take his mind off things.
Joonmyun comes to work earlier than expected. He walks the halls with his staff following closely behind him. When they reach the end of the hall, they find Siwon waiting by the door of Jongin’s room.
The time for the patient’s to take their morning medication comes and Joonmyun motions for Siwon to open the door. The quiet atmosphere makes their hearts pound. Siwon pulls open the door as fast as he can to get this over with. Siwon enters the room first and Joonmyun and the rest of his staff follow. The sight that greets them elicits a gasp from one of the nurses behind Joonmyun.
Jongin lies on the bed, his mouth frothing and his skin incredibly pale. A nurse peeking in gags and Baekhyun hurriedly turns to escort her away from the area. Chanyeol and Jungsoo barricade the door as Joonmyun presses two fingers to Jongin's wrist.
The arm in his hand feels as cold as ice and when he presses harder to feel for a pulse, nothing happens.
"He's dead," he confirms. Jongdae pats him on the back as they walk away.
Jongdae offers to make all the calls for Joonmyun. In turn, the psychiatrist tries his best to help, as his mind has become fuddled with unnecessary thinking. He keeps coming up with mistakes he didn't make and blames himself when he comes up with solutions for them. He only stops thinking when Jongdae rests a hand on his shoulder.
"The coroner will pick up the body as soon as possible and send us an autopsy report tomorrow," he informs Joonmyun.
"The autopsy report says Jongin died of drug overdose." Jongdae drops the papers on the table and takes a seat on one of the vacant chairs.
"He had ingested a lethal amount of exposed Clozaril pills," Jongdae informs the team. Joonmyun sits by the side, his silence making everyone wary to speak.
"I wonder if the Kyungsoo in his head drove him to do it," Baekhyun absentmindedly comments. He regrets the words as soon as they're out. They all turn to see Joonmyun's reaction, who only sits straighter in his chair, unperturbed. It surprises them when he replies.
"Probably." Joonmyun doesn't meet their eyes. "I think the Kyungsoo he thought of told him to do many things. From lying to us to killing himself." He takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes, feeling the burn ebb. "But I also think deep inside, he knew that Kyungsoo was no longer alive and he simply couldn't keep living with something that wasn’t real."
Joonmyun picks up the paper and looks for the time of death. He smiles ruefully and tries not to vomit, pushing the papers away from him.
"Jongin died almost the same time Kyungsoo did. Only a minute difference." Joonmyun shakes his head and whispers, "He definitely knew Kyungsoo died. He just refused to acknowledge it."
Joonmyun tries to rid himself of all thoughts of Jongin as he drives home. He fills his mind with thoughts of a warm bed and warm body, holding him through the night.
The lights of a car parked in the driveway tell Joonmyun his lover has just gotten home. He hurries in parking his car, right beside his lover's and meets him halfway through the door.
"Hey," Joonmyun calls out, voice almost inaudible. His lover turns to face him, the moonlight bathing him in its glow. He pulls Joonmyun in the house and closes the door behind him.
"Hey," he greets back. He steps forward until their chests are centimeters apart, the warmth of their bodies mingling with each other.
"Jongdae," Joonmyun whispers. He caresses Jongdae's cheeks with his hands. He thumbs the apple of his cheeks, shining from moonlight seeping through their windows.
"Are you alright?" Jongdae asks, his hands finding refuge on Joonmyun's arms. His grips the fabric of his white shirt as Joonmyun leans up to kiss him on the forehead.
"Nothing you can't fix," Joonmyun whispers, his lips grazing the skin of Jongdae's forehead.
In the past, Jongdae would have laughed and pushed Joonmyun away. But in the years that they've been through together, Jongdae has learned to empathize with Joonmyun. He has learned to let him feel vulnerable.
Jongdae simply kisses Joonmyun on his temple, whispering words of comfort in his ear. And despite barely understanding his words, Joonmyun feels comforted. He kisses the side of Jongdae’s neck and thanks him.
"I love you," Jongdae whispers, moving his arms to embrace Joonmyun. And it's those words that allow Joonmyun to push all thoughts of Jongin far away.
"I love you, too," Joonmyun replies as he pulls away and kisses Jongdae, a simple touch of the lips.
When they break apart, he smiles at the way Jongdae’s face glows. And he wonders, for just a second, if Jongin was this smitten with Kyungsoo to have been unable to let him go. The thought passes almost as soon as it comes and he focuses in the moment, focuses on Jongdae.
Joonmyun lets Jongdae bury him in his arms and chest. Jongdae holds him in a tight grip but Joonmyun doesn’t mind as he holds Jongdae just as tight. The desperation between them makes itself known.
"Joonmyun," Jongdae whispers, his hold on Joonmyun loosening just a bit. "Promise me that will never happen to us." Jongdae sounds more broken than he's ever been in all the years he's worked with Joonmyun.
"Don't love me so much that you lose yourself. Don't be like Jongin. Promise me," he continues. Joonmyun knows that Jongdae's trying to hold back his own tears and he swallows the lump in his throat.
Joonmyun pulls away, caresses Jongdae’s cheeks with both of his hands and sees the unshed tears glisten at the corner of Jongdae's eyes. He kisses them away as best as he can before looking into Jongdae’s eyes.
"We're never going to be like Jongin and Kyungsoo," Joonmyun whispers as Jongdae tightens the grip he has on Joonmyun’s polo. He leave kisses all over Jongdae’s face and kisses him on the lips just as he says, "I promise."
That night, Joonmyun dreams of Jongin for the last time.
"Kyungsoo promised he'd never leave me, that he'd always be beside me. Kyungsoo always keeps his promises."
notes:
disclaimer: I am not a psychiatrist/mental hospital nurse/patient. Everything I’ve written here is based purely on my research so I apologize for whatever inaccuracies I may have written. If you spot any, please leave them in the comments and I will do my best to fix them when the exchange is over.
1. Sunkyu, Jinri, Youngwoon, Jungsoo and Siwon - SMTOWN artists aka Sunny, Sulli, Kangin, Leeteuk and Siwon respectively.
2. The lines in between parts: “love is patient, love is kind, love means slowly losing your mind.” - Kevin Doyle; 27 Dresses
3. The summary comes for 5 Seconds of Summer’s Amnesia.
4. Read on Schizophrenia here. And Clozaril here.
5. A Day In The Life of A Mental Hospital Patient helped me a lot with the schedule. It’s a good read.