(for zhgyi) dismantle, repair - part 1 of 2
For: zhgyi
Title: dismantle, repair
Pairings: Kai/D.O, minor!Kai/Baekhyun
Rating: PG-15
Word Count: 11,357
Summary: It started with heartbeats that weren't in sync and ended with closed doors until they both lost their footing and everything spiraled out of control. But Jongin wants to try dancing again and Kyungsoo doesn't really know how to sing without Jongin beside him.
Author’s Note: i would like to thank my wonderful and amazing beta for all her help. i am eternally grateful. you know who you are and i love you. to my recipient, i'm not entirely sure if this is what you wanted but i hope you enjoy reading it! ^^
Seoul on a rainy night is unforgiving, the coldness not only drenching Jongin's coat but seeping deeper until it reaches the fabric of his skin and leaving him uncomfortable from head to toe. Normally, he finds solace in the rain and how the soft pitter-patter of melodious rainfall serves as music to massage his ears, company that doesn't require small talk nor deep conversations, the dripping symphony something he doesn't mind getting himself lost into.
Tonight though, the rain is just a nuisance.
He knows it's his fault for not bringing his umbrella along with him but weather forecasts aren't really his thing and he knows better than to believe Sehun's words of "Summer shower later, that coat's not going to be enough to protect you from Mother Nature" because his stupid best friend doesn't even watch the news. Jongin briefly wonders if Sehun is even interested in anything besides Zitao. Jongin contemplates for a moment. Jongin thinks not.
He sloshes his way through the streets, his beaten-up sneakers making little splashing sounds against stray puddles and wet concrete. The streetlights casting soft orange glows against the pavement serve as little amusement so he starts humming to himself, a song that he used to like back in high school when he listened to bands "nobody else heard about." Now, all he listens to are dance tracks from artists that nobody else still hears about. Some things never change.
For a few minutes, everything feels safe and well-accounted for. The rain has dwindled down into a decrescendo, hard pellets turning into a soft drizzle and even though he's soaked, the air has stopped nicking at his skin and a gentle breeze envelopes him in a subtle embrace instead. He passes by several bookstores and residences, blurs in his peripheral vision, yellow lights dancing gracefully around the outskirts of his focus. Jongin runs a hand through his wet hair strands, cringing slightly as he tugs on stubborn dark locks.
He's just making his way home until he realizes that he missed the corner where he was supposed to turn right and walk straight ahead towards his apartment. He mentally curses himself and the rain for his small mistake, throwing a little glare at the solemn black infinty stretched out above him. The sky does not twinkle back mischief with the stars, he is met with apathetic silence from the heavens and the slick crunch of rubber tires on wet asphalt as a car passes by.
He trudges through the dark with renewed vigor, impatience gnawing at his feet because he wants to be home as soon as possible. His steps are quick and deliberate until he passes by a certain coffee shop and he stops dead in his tracks, the memories flashing back in his mind like a faded film and making everything, even the way he breathes, hurt.
Faint thunder rumbles in the background and Jongin wonders that maybe his heart's like a thunderstorm - rough on the edges, a secret kept between flashes of lightning, a deep rumble somewhere down his throat that he doesn't know how to keep in touch with.
Two months is a long time but not enough for the pain to subside. Jongin doesn't like picking at wounds so that they'll leave scars that won't heal so he lets out a groan, his legs feeling heavier than before as he tries to pass by the coffee shop as quickly as possible. He's not fast enough though because the chimes ring loud and clear in the dying night as the door opens and reveals the shop's resident barista. Jongin's breath hitches as he sees the familiar face, his legs itching to break out into a run.
"Hey, Jongin! I knew it was you, long time no see!" Minseok greets him with a bright grin on his face that immediately stops when he sees Jongin's current situation. "Shit, you're drenched! Why don't you go inside and warm up?"
Jongin is about to protest when Minseok suddenly grabs his wrist and pulls him inside. "I've missed you, man. C'mon, we've got a lot of catching up to do." Minseok pats him on the shoulder and Jongin is thankful for the heater of the coffee shop and the added warmth of Minseok's presence. "I'll make you a cup of your usual, on the house. Just wait a sec."
Minseok turns to head over to the counter and he begins making Jongin's drink. Jongin shrugs and decides that he can't possibly turn down free coffee, even though the memories of the last time he's been in this place have him wanting to bolt straight to his safe, warm apartment where hurtful words coming from heart-shaped lips can't harm him.
He chooses a table near the counter as he eyes the neat pile of magazines on a nearby stand, trying not to let his gaze flicker to a glass table with two sofa armchairs where he was usually slumped over his homework, back when there was another peson threading fingers through his hair and murmuring small words of encouragement in hushed undertones like Jongin was the only person allowed to hear his words. Jongin used to relish in that luxury.
This coffee place had been their favorite, their own little heaven. Right now though, it just feels like a suffocating circle of hell for Jongin.
Minseok comes back with Jongin's cup of americano. If Jongin were going to be honest, he likes instant coffee the best but Minseok would be scandalized if he finds that out. And possibly take back the steaming cup of fresh-roasted coffee which is not something that Jongin's willing to risk.
Minseok sits on the cushioned chair across from him and slides the cup on the table towards the rainshowered boy, the small smile the older one's been wearing since minutes ago never leaving his face.
Jongin throws him a grateful beam in return and takes his first sip, humming a little as he lets the liquid flow down his throat until he feels a little bit warmer with coffee now in his belly. He crinkles his eyes at Minseok as a silent thank you and Minseok chuckles, his own eyes turning into crescents.
Before Jongin can take his second taste, Minseok suddenly blurts out, "Weird. Why aren't you sitting over there?" Minseok points to the table with the two sofa armchairs. "Isn't that kind of like yours and Kyungsoo's little corner of the universe?"
At the mention of his name, Jongin's grip on the cup's handle tightens, the coffee in his stomach starting to churn a little and he suddenly doesn't feel all that warm anymore. The memories come back in waves that hit him like icicles, little pinpricks lodging themselves into his heart and he finds it ironic, how he feels like his lungs are on fire but everything else is cold matter. He remembers cold stares, cold words, the coldness of an empty apartment.
But his lungs are on fire.
Jongin is burning in ice-cold water.
Minseok instantly senses the change in the atmosphere and he tenses up, his once loose limbs stiffening and he stares at Jongin with a worried look on his face. "Jongin, about that ... I haven't seen you nor Kyungsoo around for a while now." Minseok skitters his fingers over the edge of the table, his tone uneasy, eyebrows furrowed. "I know it's not in my place to ask but did ... did anything happen between the two of you?"
Jongin's initial reaction is to answer with an abrupt "No" but he contemplates for a moment whether he wants to talk about it with Minseok or not. The first and last time he's had this conversation was with Sehun, the same night the older boy had called things off, and Jongin had been in his drunken state of mind. He had regretted it instantly the morning after when Sehun had tried his best to cheer him up, even buying him lunch and cancelling his bubble tea date with Zitao to watch action flicks with his best friend instead.
It's not that Jongin doesn't trust people enough to confide in them, it's just that he doesn't want them to worry about him. People had enough problems on their plates and Jongin doesn't want to add to their growing pile. The look on Minseok's face right now doesn't sit well with him though. He thinks worry doesn't look good on Minseok and he knows that if he decides to keep his hyung in the dark, Minseok will just worry some more.
Jongin doesn't want to beat around the bush but he doesn't look Minseok in the eyes as he says, "We broke up." He says it in the same manner as someone who's telling the time of the day with his eyes trained on the cup in front of him. "Around two months ago. Same old sob story." He brings the coffee to his lips, blowing before taking another sip. "He felt like we weren't working well anymore." He swallows and he knows that the bitterness he tastes on his tongue isn't just from the coffee.
Minseok acknowledges the information with a small nod and sad eyes. "And you? Did you also feel like the both of you weren't working well anymore?"
Jongin stops swirling his coffee around, a habit of his when he finds it difficult to talk, and he opts to stare at his hands instead.
Of course he didn't feel the same. He still has feelings for Kyungsoo even up to now and it's still as strong as the first time he held the other's smaller hand and let his fingers graze over the older boy's palm, still as strong as the first time he heard his name being panted from those sinfully beautiful heart-shaped lips as he trailed butterfly kisses from a pale neck down to the expanse of a milky white chest, still as strong as the bursting happiness he felt whenever Kyungsoo's laughter sounded in the air like a thousand unsung melodies while showing his teeth for the world to see, still as strong as the pain he felt when he had walked away from him and the life they once had together.
Two months is quite a long time but not when letting go is as hard as moving forward because as much as Jongin doesn't want to acknowledge it, his feet are still stuck on the past, the present is too painful to bear, and everything he hopes for in the future has the one person who doesn't want him back anymore.
"No." One word that contains so much false hope and a promise that he can't keep. "No, I didn't." He admits and his words linger in the air like an unwanted fog, making it difficult for him to see things clearly in perspective. There is a second of suffocating silence before he lets out, "And I still don't. I - I feel like we can still work." He fiddles with the button on his sleeve and lets out a sigh that sounds sadder than he inteded it to be. "It's just that I'm pretty sure he doesn't think the same."
Minseok reaches over to give him a small pat on the shoulder. "Then you know what to do."
Jongin leaves the coffee shop after an hour of catching up with Minseok. His first class tomorrow doesn't start until 10:30 in the morning so leaving a little after 9 doesn't really bother him, even with homework to be done. Besides, his apartment's just a short walk away.
"It was good to see you again, Jongin. I was beginning to think that you were avoiding me," Minseok teases him with a mischievous smile playing his lips.
Jongin laughs and it's genuine this time, unlike the ones he usually lets out when he's with other people, trying to assure them that he was okay because he didn't like the concerned looks they often threw his way. He couldn't find it in himself to pretend with Minseok though. His hyung had always known him well.
"I wasn't avoiding you," Jongin says with a wicked grin, "just your establishment."
Minseok punches him lightly on the arm and lets out a soft chuckle. "Yeah, well, drop by again sometime. I missed you, man."
Jongin feigns pain as he rubs the spot that Minseok punched but he suddenly remembers something and when he looks up back at Minseok, a serious expression replaces his former light-hearted one. It's been on the tip of his tongue for the past hour but whenever he tried to voice it out, he would just push it away to the back of his mind where he feels it truly belongs. Unspoken, untouched, something that's better left unknown. He can't help it right now though, he is consumed by the need to know.
"Has he ... has he been here?" he asks Minseok, the words coming out slow and unsure. "You know, ever since we..."
It takes a beat for Minseok to understand before he shakes his head. "No, he hasn't." He smiles a little, his eyes soft. The look on his face has something that Jongin doesn't like - pity. "It seems like you're not the only one who hasn't moved on yet."
Even though Jongin knows it's probably not true, he replies with a short nod and waves goodbye. He doesn't get why he felt the overwhelming need to know. It's not like it would change anything.
He grabs his jacket and strides to the entrance. Before he can open the glass door, he turns his head and says to Minseok, "Thanks again for the coffee and well, you know, everything." He puts on his jacket. "See you soon, hyung."
Minseok grins and does a shoo-ing motion, going back to serving a customer who had just arrived.
Jongin walks out of the shop, thankful that the rain didn't come back with a vengeance. The stars are starting to peek out from the clouds, shy and hesitant but tons better than the flashes of lightning that scattered and painted the sky an hour ago. He walks the short distance to his apartment, feeling better than he's felt in weeks.
When he opens the door to his apartment, the darkness doesn't feel as lonely as it used to. He breezes through his homework and when he brushes his teeth a little before midnight, he's thankful that he got dragged into the coffee shop earlier.
When Jongin sleeps that night though, he dreams of wide eyes and heart-shaped smiles.
In the morning after, he's back to feeling miserable and the acid in his veins won't seem to go away.
Jongin's daily routine consists of college and dance practice. He hasn't exactly been in good shape the past few weeks but he's still considered as one of the group's best dancers so he continues to give his all physically despite his heart not being in it.
He glides across lacquered wood and his moves are concise, structured, he never misses a beat. He's lost a good amount of passion though and when he was once a powerhouse of raw emotions whenever he danced, he is now just a flawless machine.
Unfeeling. Perfect. Polished to the touch.
And yet broken in ways that he longs to fix.
During a short break, one of his dance buddies, Yixing who also happens to be one of their university's exchange students, sidles up to him and gives him a bottle of cold water. Jongin throws him a grateful smile in return and he leans on the wall, letting his eyes scan over the wide practice room. He lets the cold water replenish his energy and after drinking the entire bottle in huge gulps, he's good to go. He begins stretching his muscles again, flexing his feet and trying to reach for his toes when Yixing suddenly speaks up.
"How are you?"
Jongin's response is automatic. "I'm fine," he grunts out. Two words, typical answer. Not the answer most people want but they should know better than to ask questions that Jongin doesn't like answering.
Yixing shoots him a look. "Don't give me that."
Jongin resists the urge to roll his eyes because seriously, Yixing cares too much about other people for his own good. "Really, hyung. I'm fine." He stretches out his legs and bends his ankles. "There's no need for you to worry about me."
Yixing raises an eyebrow. "Who says I'm the only one who's worried about you?"
That gets Jongin's attention. His head snaps up and he turns to look at Yixing, his eyes alert and questioning.
Yixing's expression turns soft when he sees the desperation and longing in Jongin's face. "He's my friend too, you know. We talk often. He's always asking about how you're doing."
Jongin feels something warm blossom in his chest but that feeling instantly dissipates and turns into anger instead. "Well, he could just ask me himself if he really wants to know." Jongin's aware that he's picking at a scab instead of letting it heal but Kyungsoo has wounded him in more ways than one and this newfound information is making Jongin even more confused and hurt. First, Kyungsoo leaves him with a sorry excuse but now, he's worried about how Jongin's doing? It doesn't make sense. And Jongin doesn't want to be given false hope.
The other had been the one to call it quits, why does he suddenly care when Jongin's trying so hard to move on?
"It's not really his fault, Jongin, don't put all the blame on him. He was just trying to protect you."
Now Jongin's positively enraged. "Protect me?" Jongin snaps and Yixing's eyes turn wide. He's not used to seeing this side of Jongin, no one is. Jongin is usually calm and reserved, not flashes of anger and wild eyes. "Protect me from what? From potential heartbreak in the future because he was still planning on ending things with me, anyway? Is that it?" Something inside him is causing him to flare up even more in intensity. Jongin thinks it's affliction gone wrong. "If this is his way of protecting me, then Do Kyungsoo is a load of bullshit!"
"Jongin!" Yixing gasps and even Jongin's surprised at the things he just said. But all the weeks of bottling up the pain inside him have finally taken their toll and he can't say he regrets his outburst. The alarm on Yixing's face is apparent though and the Chinese dancer grabs Jongin's hand and squeezes it, his voice almost pleading. "Jongin, I don't think you understand-"
"No, hyung. I used to think I didn't understand." Jongin's words are hard, his voice firm. "Now, I think I do."
"But I don't think he ever meant for you to get hurt like this-"
"Okay, break time over! Everyone, get into your positions."
Saved by their leader's exclamation, Jongin frees himself from Yixing's grasp and hurriedly scampers to the front of the line. When the music starts and Jongin begins to dance, this time he dances with reckless abandon, letting all his emotions feed on his movements until he is a powerhouse once again.
When practice is over and they're packing their things, Jongin gets a pat on the shoulder from their leader and he's told, "Good to see you're back in the game, Jongin. I was beginning to wonder if you're losing your touch."
He bows down to Yunho muttering a polite thank you but when Jongin goes back up, he doesn't miss the concerned look that Yixing throws him.
Jongin quickly looks away.
He used to think that Kyungsoo was his song but maybe Jongin can dance without Kyungsoo after all.
The colors of Seoul change with the seasons and Jongin rides along waves of expectations. Summer starts to fray around the edges and Autumn rolls in turning the world into a huge sunset.
Yixing doesn't talk to him about anything else except choreography anymore and he's thankful but not pleased. Hesitant smiles are what they have between them until Jongin grabs the older one's wrist during a 5-minute break and wraps him in an awkward hug, arms a bit stiff and his voice unsure as he mumbles, "I'm sorry." His words are sincere and regretful.
Jongin feels a little like he's suffocating even though he's the one who initiated contact but Yixing's tinkling laughter and the hair ruffle he gets in return are worth it. They're back to casual conversations but they never mention his name.
By the fifth month, Kyungsoo's scent on Jongin's skin begins to fade, his heart's starting to feel a little bit lighter. He starts spending more time with his friends, joining Sehun and Zitao on their beach trips, pale cinnamon flesh turning golden in the autumn sunlight. This time, the salt on his skin isn't from the sting of someone's words, it's from wading into the ocean trying to wash away the pain of yesterday.
Sometimes Junmyeon and Jongdae invite him over to their shared apartment and sometimes he goes there without telling them first, demanding for dinner with an uncharacteristic pout. Jongdae whacks him on the head and calls him a brat but lets him in nonetheless, laughter ringing in the air, and the three of them share Chinese take-out meant for two. But really, their company is all Jongin wants and the other two know that the real reason behind Jongin's visits isn't free food.
During dance practices, he jokes around with Taemin and steals from Sehun's bottle of Gatorade when his best friend's too busy talking to Zitao about the Chinese boy's latest flip in the choreo meant for their next showcase.
Jongin still frequents the coffee shop but only during mornings when he's deprived of sleep and he hasn't restocked on his supply of instant coffee. His visits are rare but Minseok always has a smile to offer him whenever he walks in, knapsack slung haphazardly over his shoulder and a yawn escaping from his lips. Sometimes when Minseok's in a good mood, he throws in a blueberry muffin or a brownie with Jongin's usual cup of americano and Jongin swears that when he's no longer a poor college student, he'll buy Minseok a new coffee machine.
He focuses all of his attention on dance and college, passing by milky white skin and heart-shaped lips in the hallways without so much as a second glance and he doesn't notice the wide eyes that linger on his back a beat too long for the gazes to be considered fleeting. Even if Jongin did notice, he would have chosen not to care. He thinks things are better this way.
By the seventh month, Kyungsoo's scent on Jongin's skin is faint, hazelnut no longer mixing in with citrus. Jongin thinks he can breathe properly now.
He lets himself be led to the right path as he dances everything away, the music coursing through his veins as he pops and locks and moves his body as if he is art in motion and poetry in the way he breathes. He tries to erase memories of past nights in his apartment when he would dance to the voice of someone singing, the darkness swallowing them whole as his fluid movements traced invisible patterns in the shadows of everything he once held dear, back when someone's heartbeats lulled him to sleep when his bones have done enough for the day and all he wants to do is snuggle against a warm chest. He tries to erase them because he is so close to forgetting and he doesn't want to replay rhythms and tempos that no longer move in sync with him.
By the ninth month, Kyungsoo's scent is entirely gone, not a trace of it left. Jongin's heart doesn't feel heavy anymore. The weight has lifted.
"So you're finally over him, huh?" Sehun asks over greasy fries and burgers with too much cheese for them to be considered healthy.
Jongin looks up from drinking his soda, face perplexed at Sehun's sudden concern and he shrugs. "I guess." Sehun lets out a snort and Jongin clears his throat. "I mean, uh, yeah I like to think so." He goes back to attacking his burger and the subject drops.
Sehun quirks an eyebrow but doesn't say anything more.
By the thirteenth month, Jongin stops by a random book store and meets beautiful Byun Baekhyun, who wraps Jongin's purchase with a nice brown ribbon with fingers that Jongin wants to touch, wondering if they're as soft and as smooth as they look. Beautiful Byun Baekhyun with the sun in his smile and the stars in his eyes and skin the color of peaches-and-cream. Beautiful Byun Baekhyun whose laughter makes Jongin's heart leap and Jongin does take a leap when he asks Baekhyun out on a date during his third visit because the book store's not so random anymore ever since Jongin saw the beautiful man who works there.
When Jongin ever so casually asks Baekhyun out between the aisles of classics for a movie and dinner, he's never heard an "I would love to! I'm free this Saturday night?" and a chuckle so sweet since - no, he's not going there. A flash of raven black hair and warm eyes pass in his mind but he quickly pushes the images away, focusing on the radiant smile on Baekhyun's lips.
"That's great! What time do you want to meet up?"
They agree to see the latest romcom movie that Baekhyun admits he's been looking forward to and dinner at the cheap Italian restaurant that serves good chicken fettucine located down the street of the movie theater.
The movie is surprisingly funny and engaging, Jongin laughs at all the right times but he doesn't miss Baekhyun's hands brushing against his and before he can stop himself, he intertwines their fingers together. Jongin finds out that they are as soft and as smooth as they look.
Baekhyun looks up at him, surprise evident on his face but there's also a pleasant flush spreading across his cheeks and Jongin leans down to meet him halfway. The kiss is quick, just a press of lips on lips and when Jongin pulls back, the dazed look on Baekhyun's face makes him look even more beautiful than he usually does.
At the end of the night, he walks Baekhyun home and this time, the shorter boy stands on his toes and kisses Jongin deeply. Jongin automatically wraps his arms around Baekhyun's waist and Baekhyun drags him inside his apartment and somewhere along the way to Baekhyun's bed, both shirts are strewn to the floor.
By the end of the thirteenth month, they call each other boyfriends and have each other on speed dial.
The next few weeks pass by in a blur of stolen kisses between polished bookshelves and fast food dinners in Jongin's apartment because Baekhyun doesn't know how to cook and it's easier to make phone calls to the nearest Kyochon than to search online for recipes that they both know will just end in disaster. Jongin feels like he's on top of the world again when Baekhyun hand-feeds him fried chicken with his long slender fingers but even though his mind doesn't want to acknowledge it, his taste buds miss someone's homecooked japchae and kimchi jjigae.
By the fifteenth month, Baekhyun tells Jongin that he loves him under the blankets, his breath uneven and both of their hair tousled, their clothes on the floor. Jongin pretends to have fallen asleep but he hears the soft sigh that Baekhyun lets out, barely concealed heartache lingering in the air and Jongin wants to punch himself in the gut because he feels like a huge asshole who doesn't deserve any of this, doesn't deserve Baekhyun who's nestled in his arms.
By the seventeenth month, Jongin still hasn't replied back to Baekhyun's confession.
Baekhyun doesn't let his disappointment show but Jongin can see it nonetheless, hidden behind smiles that are a tad too forced and sometimes Baekhyun hugs Jongin like he doesn't want to let go. And Jongin wonders why, wonders why he can't seem to say it back. Baekhyun is wonderful and easygoing and makes Jongin feel happy. He lets Jongin steal all the fries on his plate and visits Jongin's apartment during late nights when the younger boy craves for company and sometimes Baekhyun sings because Jongin asks him to.
Baekhyun has a beautiful voice but it's not the song Jongin's looking for.
And Baekhyun knows. Baekhyun knows that it's not his company that Jongin craves but he's so stupidly in love with the dancer to care. And along with his foolish love, Baekhyun still hopes that maybe someday, he can tuck himself in Jongin's heart comfortably like he belongs there.
By the nineteenth month, Jongin no longer asks him to sing. Baekhyun stops hoping.
By the end of the nineteenth month, he leads Jongin to a secluded part of the bookshop, pushes him against the wall and kisses the younger boy long and hard, sucking on plump lips and dragging his tongue along the roof of Jongin's mouth.
Jongin kisses back, his fingers caught in the soft strands of the shorter one's chestnut hair, letting himself get lost in the ecstasy and the feeling of Baekhyun's warm body pressed against his.
His moment of bliss is brought to an abrupt stop when he tastes salt and he immediately pulls back. Baekhyun is crying.
"Baek, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" he cups Baekhyun's face in his hands, voice on the edge of worry but confusion on his face. "Did I do something wrong? Don't cry."
Baekhyun wipes his tears away and shakes his head, there's a sad smile on his face that makes Jongin want to kiss it away. The shorter man looks up at him with tear-streaked eyes as he says in a cheeky voice, "I'm breaking up with you, Kim Jongin~"
Jongin immediately drops his hands as if burned and he starts wondering if this is a hidden camera joke, plotted by his friends and Baekhyun is simply in on it too. This sounds suspiciously like something Jongdae would do.
"Haha, very funny, Baek. You almost got me there," he says wryly, his eyebrows furrowed. "C'mon, let's eat. Junmyeon-hyung told me about this place that has the best bongchu jjimdak."
He turns around and is about to walk away when Baekhyun grabs his wrist and drags him with enough strength to turn him back around so that they're facing each other again. Jongin is surprised by the look on Baekhyun's face - it's a mixture between exhaustion and heartbreak. He's seen that look once on a different person, it hurts seeing it again.
That night, Jongin walks home alone. He doesn't call Sehun, he doesn't get drunk, he doesn't feel anything except vast emptiness. He realizes that he misses someone.
It takes him only a second that feels more like an eternity to realize that the person he misses isn't Baekhyun.
"Great job tonight, Jongin!" He barely catches the words as he struggles to move against the crowd that's vibrating with burning energy. He feels sweat trickling down the nape of his neck and there are hooded eyes staring at him with such smoldering intensity that he feels like they could set him ablaze if they tried hard enough.
"Thanks, Xing! You too!" he shouts back and he lets a familiar pair of hands plant themselves on his waist and guide him to the bar.
The club's packed with throngs of people and the plethora of noises mixing in with the loudness of Jongin's heartbeats are enough to pump the adrenaline in his veins even though he's trying to shake himself off from his performance high. His dance group had been one of the acts tonight and even though they weren't the highlight, a lot of people from their university had come to see them dance on stage and the bright lights had been a little blinding but the deafening cheers and screams from the audience had Jongin reeling in the best way possible.
He plops himself on one of the bar stools, Yixing sitting right beside him. He orders a mixed drink with not too much alcohol content in it while Yixing orders something a little stronger. He doesn't want to get drunk tonight, he just wants to be able to relax.
Jongin's got two weeks of break ahead of him and he doesn't exactly know what to do with all the free time. Sehun and Zitao had offered for him to join them in their little trek up the mountains but he doesn't exactly want to be a third wheel, especially since the other two are almost always attached at the hip and are infamous for their blatant public displays of affection. Jongin momentarily shudders at the memory of him walking in on one of their heated make-out sessions and it's not exactly something he wants to relive again.
The bartender pushes their drinks towards them, a fragile-looking man with pixie-like features and a nice eye-smile. He heard Yixing call for him earlier, Luhan or Huhan or something. The noise is vibrating in Jongin's ears.
He leans his back on the bar and lets his eyes scan over the dance floor. Taemin's in the center with Kibum, spotlight on them as they pop and lock to the beat of the music and there's a growing audience cheering them on. Sehun and Zitao are watching them until Sehun leans over to whisper something in Zitao's ear. Zitao nods and the two start moving their way out of the throng of people, going god knows where to do god knows what that Jongin doesn't want to think about.
Jongin focuses his attention somewhere else and it lands on Junmyeon and Jongdae, who are both seated at a corner booth. Jongin had invited all of his friends to watch their group's performance tonight and after finishing his drink in one gulp, he puts the glass down and is about to head over to his hyungs when someone beats him to it.
Do fucking Kyungsoo beats him to it.
Jongin recoils and in his moment of shock, he bumps into someone. The girl glares at him but Jongin couldn't care less as he tries to walk back to the bar on feet that feel like jelly and he calls for the bartender, Luhan or Huhan or something, and orders a shot of tequila. He downs it all in one go and it burns, it fucking burns and stings and his eyes start to water. He doesn't feel any better though so he orders another. He feels like he's drinking fire as the liquid scorches its way down his throat but he still feels fucking miserable so he orders another one and the bartender, Luhan or Huhan or something, begins to have this look of worry but Jongin brushes it off and promises to himself, and maybe to the bartender as well but he's not really sure, that this will be his last because any more than this and he knows he's going to feel more dead than drunk. He downs the shot and the initial spice has him feeling gaseous and warm until his head starts swimming in all directions and the people in the dance floor start looking like jellyfish.
So much for not getting drunk tonight.
Jongin doesn't know how he got himself into this situation but Kyungsoo is peppering kisses down his throat and Jongin feels heat going south and he knows that any minute now, he's going to be painfully hard and he's unsure if Kyungsoo will be willing to suck him off.
Jongin had staggered from the bar to the corner booth where Junmyeon, Jongdae, and Kyungsoo had been drinking bottle after bottle of beer but after some time, the couple had opted to have some fun on the dance floor when in all honesty, they're both shit at dancing -- even more so when they're drunk and high on each other's love and all that jazz, but Kyungsoo had stayed and if Jongin hadn't been so hell-bent on getting himself intoxicated, he would have noticed Kyungsoo's lingering gazes on him all throughout the night.
He slips into the booth and Kyungsoo looks at him with hooded eyes and for a contemplative second, Jongin wants to bolt through the doors of the club and never come back because he's just an arms reach away from the boy who broke his heart all those months ago (twenty three months, something days that Jongin's tried hard not to count) but before he can move, Kyungsoo leans over and kisses him, kisses him full on the lips and he tastes like ashes and alcohol and Jongin can't get enough so he kisses Kyungsoo back and wonders if he'll get even more intoxicated by the taste of Kyungsoo's tongue on his and the faint scent of hazelnut on the older boy's skin.
He still smells like hazelnut. Jongin still smells like citrus. Some things never change.
They break apart and both of their lips are swollen, bee-stung beautiful and it would've been such a sight to behold if there were any spectators but at the moment, it's just the two of them, so drunk on lust and nothing matters except for the both of them because the rest of the world is drinking themselves into oblivion and dancing, thrusting, shaking to rhythms and beats unknown so Kyungsoo takes the other's hand in his, leans over a second time to whisper into Jongin's ear, "Come home with me tonight."
And that's how he found himself body flush against the older boy's, shirts on the floor, his back against Kyungsoo's bed in Kyungsoo's goddamn apartment somewhere Jongin doesn't know. The direction of Kyungsoo's kisses are going downward and Jongin is now painfully hard and he doesn't want Kyungsoo to suck him off anymore because he wants to bury himself inside the older boy's warmth and feel Kyungsoo move against him again.
He's not sure if he's fueled by emotions right now, he think he's fueled by lust and alcohol and the need to feel wanted again, even just for a single night that he'll regret in the morning, but when Kyungsoo looks into his eyes as he unzips Jongin's pants -- Jongin might have to go with the former.
Kyungsoo looks so beautiful that Jongin can't help but look away. He holds down his tears and wills himself to forget everything except for the way Kyungsoo looks tonight.
Sunlight streams in through the blinds -- Kyungsoo's always hated curtains -- when Jongin stirs awake and he's greeted by a hangover and christ his head hurts so much. He's face to face with Kyungsoo's unfamiliar closet in this unfamiliar room in this unfamiliar apartment that Jongin knows is located in an unfamiliar street but when he turns around, he's met with a familiar sight.
Kyungsoo's peaceful sleeping face still manages to take his breath away.
He gets up somewhat reluctantly because his head feels heavy and so does his heart but he needs to be out of here before the older boy wakes up. He quietly gathers his clothes from the floor and puts them on, walking quickly out of the room as he inserts his arms through the sleeves of his shirt. He doesn't look back at the precious bundle of blankets and sleeping human before he closes the door.
He treads lightly through the tiled floor and finds his way out of the apartment with ease. He opens the wooden front door and before it can close behind him with a soft click, he thinks he can the hear the faint padding of someone's footsteps but when the sound of the door closing resonates throughout the deserted hallway, Jongin feels very very small and very very foolish.
And really, Jongin doesn't expect for Kyungsoo to suddenly wake up and chase after him because this is not a sappy love story nor a best-selling romance novel. This is Jongin's life and it's so ordinary it hurts.
( Part Two )
Title: dismantle, repair
Pairings: Kai/D.O, minor!Kai/Baekhyun
Rating: PG-15
Word Count: 11,357
Summary: It started with heartbeats that weren't in sync and ended with closed doors until they both lost their footing and everything spiraled out of control. But Jongin wants to try dancing again and Kyungsoo doesn't really know how to sing without Jongin beside him.
Author’s Note: i would like to thank my wonderful and amazing beta for all her help. i am eternally grateful. you know who you are and i love you. to my recipient, i'm not entirely sure if this is what you wanted but i hope you enjoy reading it! ^^
Seoul on a rainy night is unforgiving, the coldness not only drenching Jongin's coat but seeping deeper until it reaches the fabric of his skin and leaving him uncomfortable from head to toe. Normally, he finds solace in the rain and how the soft pitter-patter of melodious rainfall serves as music to massage his ears, company that doesn't require small talk nor deep conversations, the dripping symphony something he doesn't mind getting himself lost into.
Tonight though, the rain is just a nuisance.
He knows it's his fault for not bringing his umbrella along with him but weather forecasts aren't really his thing and he knows better than to believe Sehun's words of "Summer shower later, that coat's not going to be enough to protect you from Mother Nature" because his stupid best friend doesn't even watch the news. Jongin briefly wonders if Sehun is even interested in anything besides Zitao. Jongin contemplates for a moment. Jongin thinks not.
He sloshes his way through the streets, his beaten-up sneakers making little splashing sounds against stray puddles and wet concrete. The streetlights casting soft orange glows against the pavement serve as little amusement so he starts humming to himself, a song that he used to like back in high school when he listened to bands "nobody else heard about." Now, all he listens to are dance tracks from artists that nobody else still hears about. Some things never change.
For a few minutes, everything feels safe and well-accounted for. The rain has dwindled down into a decrescendo, hard pellets turning into a soft drizzle and even though he's soaked, the air has stopped nicking at his skin and a gentle breeze envelopes him in a subtle embrace instead. He passes by several bookstores and residences, blurs in his peripheral vision, yellow lights dancing gracefully around the outskirts of his focus. Jongin runs a hand through his wet hair strands, cringing slightly as he tugs on stubborn dark locks.
He's just making his way home until he realizes that he missed the corner where he was supposed to turn right and walk straight ahead towards his apartment. He mentally curses himself and the rain for his small mistake, throwing a little glare at the solemn black infinty stretched out above him. The sky does not twinkle back mischief with the stars, he is met with apathetic silence from the heavens and the slick crunch of rubber tires on wet asphalt as a car passes by.
He trudges through the dark with renewed vigor, impatience gnawing at his feet because he wants to be home as soon as possible. His steps are quick and deliberate until he passes by a certain coffee shop and he stops dead in his tracks, the memories flashing back in his mind like a faded film and making everything, even the way he breathes, hurt.
Faint thunder rumbles in the background and Jongin wonders that maybe his heart's like a thunderstorm - rough on the edges, a secret kept between flashes of lightning, a deep rumble somewhere down his throat that he doesn't know how to keep in touch with.
Two months is a long time but not enough for the pain to subside. Jongin doesn't like picking at wounds so that they'll leave scars that won't heal so he lets out a groan, his legs feeling heavier than before as he tries to pass by the coffee shop as quickly as possible. He's not fast enough though because the chimes ring loud and clear in the dying night as the door opens and reveals the shop's resident barista. Jongin's breath hitches as he sees the familiar face, his legs itching to break out into a run.
"Hey, Jongin! I knew it was you, long time no see!" Minseok greets him with a bright grin on his face that immediately stops when he sees Jongin's current situation. "Shit, you're drenched! Why don't you go inside and warm up?"
Jongin is about to protest when Minseok suddenly grabs his wrist and pulls him inside. "I've missed you, man. C'mon, we've got a lot of catching up to do." Minseok pats him on the shoulder and Jongin is thankful for the heater of the coffee shop and the added warmth of Minseok's presence. "I'll make you a cup of your usual, on the house. Just wait a sec."
Minseok turns to head over to the counter and he begins making Jongin's drink. Jongin shrugs and decides that he can't possibly turn down free coffee, even though the memories of the last time he's been in this place have him wanting to bolt straight to his safe, warm apartment where hurtful words coming from heart-shaped lips can't harm him.
He chooses a table near the counter as he eyes the neat pile of magazines on a nearby stand, trying not to let his gaze flicker to a glass table with two sofa armchairs where he was usually slumped over his homework, back when there was another peson threading fingers through his hair and murmuring small words of encouragement in hushed undertones like Jongin was the only person allowed to hear his words. Jongin used to relish in that luxury.
This coffee place had been their favorite, their own little heaven. Right now though, it just feels like a suffocating circle of hell for Jongin.
Minseok comes back with Jongin's cup of americano. If Jongin were going to be honest, he likes instant coffee the best but Minseok would be scandalized if he finds that out. And possibly take back the steaming cup of fresh-roasted coffee which is not something that Jongin's willing to risk.
Minseok sits on the cushioned chair across from him and slides the cup on the table towards the rainshowered boy, the small smile the older one's been wearing since minutes ago never leaving his face.
Jongin throws him a grateful beam in return and takes his first sip, humming a little as he lets the liquid flow down his throat until he feels a little bit warmer with coffee now in his belly. He crinkles his eyes at Minseok as a silent thank you and Minseok chuckles, his own eyes turning into crescents.
Before Jongin can take his second taste, Minseok suddenly blurts out, "Weird. Why aren't you sitting over there?" Minseok points to the table with the two sofa armchairs. "Isn't that kind of like yours and Kyungsoo's little corner of the universe?"
At the mention of his name, Jongin's grip on the cup's handle tightens, the coffee in his stomach starting to churn a little and he suddenly doesn't feel all that warm anymore. The memories come back in waves that hit him like icicles, little pinpricks lodging themselves into his heart and he finds it ironic, how he feels like his lungs are on fire but everything else is cold matter. He remembers cold stares, cold words, the coldness of an empty apartment.
But his lungs are on fire.
Jongin is burning in ice-cold water.
Minseok instantly senses the change in the atmosphere and he tenses up, his once loose limbs stiffening and he stares at Jongin with a worried look on his face. "Jongin, about that ... I haven't seen you nor Kyungsoo around for a while now." Minseok skitters his fingers over the edge of the table, his tone uneasy, eyebrows furrowed. "I know it's not in my place to ask but did ... did anything happen between the two of you?"
Jongin's initial reaction is to answer with an abrupt "No" but he contemplates for a moment whether he wants to talk about it with Minseok or not. The first and last time he's had this conversation was with Sehun, the same night the older boy had called things off, and Jongin had been in his drunken state of mind. He had regretted it instantly the morning after when Sehun had tried his best to cheer him up, even buying him lunch and cancelling his bubble tea date with Zitao to watch action flicks with his best friend instead.
It's not that Jongin doesn't trust people enough to confide in them, it's just that he doesn't want them to worry about him. People had enough problems on their plates and Jongin doesn't want to add to their growing pile. The look on Minseok's face right now doesn't sit well with him though. He thinks worry doesn't look good on Minseok and he knows that if he decides to keep his hyung in the dark, Minseok will just worry some more.
Jongin doesn't want to beat around the bush but he doesn't look Minseok in the eyes as he says, "We broke up." He says it in the same manner as someone who's telling the time of the day with his eyes trained on the cup in front of him. "Around two months ago. Same old sob story." He brings the coffee to his lips, blowing before taking another sip. "He felt like we weren't working well anymore." He swallows and he knows that the bitterness he tastes on his tongue isn't just from the coffee.
Minseok acknowledges the information with a small nod and sad eyes. "And you? Did you also feel like the both of you weren't working well anymore?"
Jongin stops swirling his coffee around, a habit of his when he finds it difficult to talk, and he opts to stare at his hands instead.
Of course he didn't feel the same. He still has feelings for Kyungsoo even up to now and it's still as strong as the first time he held the other's smaller hand and let his fingers graze over the older boy's palm, still as strong as the first time he heard his name being panted from those sinfully beautiful heart-shaped lips as he trailed butterfly kisses from a pale neck down to the expanse of a milky white chest, still as strong as the bursting happiness he felt whenever Kyungsoo's laughter sounded in the air like a thousand unsung melodies while showing his teeth for the world to see, still as strong as the pain he felt when he had walked away from him and the life they once had together.
Two months is quite a long time but not when letting go is as hard as moving forward because as much as Jongin doesn't want to acknowledge it, his feet are still stuck on the past, the present is too painful to bear, and everything he hopes for in the future has the one person who doesn't want him back anymore.
"No." One word that contains so much false hope and a promise that he can't keep. "No, I didn't." He admits and his words linger in the air like an unwanted fog, making it difficult for him to see things clearly in perspective. There is a second of suffocating silence before he lets out, "And I still don't. I - I feel like we can still work." He fiddles with the button on his sleeve and lets out a sigh that sounds sadder than he inteded it to be. "It's just that I'm pretty sure he doesn't think the same."
Minseok reaches over to give him a small pat on the shoulder. "Then you know what to do."
Jongin leaves the coffee shop after an hour of catching up with Minseok. His first class tomorrow doesn't start until 10:30 in the morning so leaving a little after 9 doesn't really bother him, even with homework to be done. Besides, his apartment's just a short walk away.
"It was good to see you again, Jongin. I was beginning to think that you were avoiding me," Minseok teases him with a mischievous smile playing his lips.
Jongin laughs and it's genuine this time, unlike the ones he usually lets out when he's with other people, trying to assure them that he was okay because he didn't like the concerned looks they often threw his way. He couldn't find it in himself to pretend with Minseok though. His hyung had always known him well.
"I wasn't avoiding you," Jongin says with a wicked grin, "just your establishment."
Minseok punches him lightly on the arm and lets out a soft chuckle. "Yeah, well, drop by again sometime. I missed you, man."
Jongin feigns pain as he rubs the spot that Minseok punched but he suddenly remembers something and when he looks up back at Minseok, a serious expression replaces his former light-hearted one. It's been on the tip of his tongue for the past hour but whenever he tried to voice it out, he would just push it away to the back of his mind where he feels it truly belongs. Unspoken, untouched, something that's better left unknown. He can't help it right now though, he is consumed by the need to know.
"Has he ... has he been here?" he asks Minseok, the words coming out slow and unsure. "You know, ever since we..."
It takes a beat for Minseok to understand before he shakes his head. "No, he hasn't." He smiles a little, his eyes soft. The look on his face has something that Jongin doesn't like - pity. "It seems like you're not the only one who hasn't moved on yet."
Even though Jongin knows it's probably not true, he replies with a short nod and waves goodbye. He doesn't get why he felt the overwhelming need to know. It's not like it would change anything.
He grabs his jacket and strides to the entrance. Before he can open the glass door, he turns his head and says to Minseok, "Thanks again for the coffee and well, you know, everything." He puts on his jacket. "See you soon, hyung."
Minseok grins and does a shoo-ing motion, going back to serving a customer who had just arrived.
Jongin walks out of the shop, thankful that the rain didn't come back with a vengeance. The stars are starting to peek out from the clouds, shy and hesitant but tons better than the flashes of lightning that scattered and painted the sky an hour ago. He walks the short distance to his apartment, feeling better than he's felt in weeks.
When he opens the door to his apartment, the darkness doesn't feel as lonely as it used to. He breezes through his homework and when he brushes his teeth a little before midnight, he's thankful that he got dragged into the coffee shop earlier.
When Jongin sleeps that night though, he dreams of wide eyes and heart-shaped smiles.
In the morning after, he's back to feeling miserable and the acid in his veins won't seem to go away.
Jongin's daily routine consists of college and dance practice. He hasn't exactly been in good shape the past few weeks but he's still considered as one of the group's best dancers so he continues to give his all physically despite his heart not being in it.
He glides across lacquered wood and his moves are concise, structured, he never misses a beat. He's lost a good amount of passion though and when he was once a powerhouse of raw emotions whenever he danced, he is now just a flawless machine.
Unfeeling. Perfect. Polished to the touch.
And yet broken in ways that he longs to fix.
During a short break, one of his dance buddies, Yixing who also happens to be one of their university's exchange students, sidles up to him and gives him a bottle of cold water. Jongin throws him a grateful smile in return and he leans on the wall, letting his eyes scan over the wide practice room. He lets the cold water replenish his energy and after drinking the entire bottle in huge gulps, he's good to go. He begins stretching his muscles again, flexing his feet and trying to reach for his toes when Yixing suddenly speaks up.
"How are you?"
Jongin's response is automatic. "I'm fine," he grunts out. Two words, typical answer. Not the answer most people want but they should know better than to ask questions that Jongin doesn't like answering.
Yixing shoots him a look. "Don't give me that."
Jongin resists the urge to roll his eyes because seriously, Yixing cares too much about other people for his own good. "Really, hyung. I'm fine." He stretches out his legs and bends his ankles. "There's no need for you to worry about me."
Yixing raises an eyebrow. "Who says I'm the only one who's worried about you?"
That gets Jongin's attention. His head snaps up and he turns to look at Yixing, his eyes alert and questioning.
Yixing's expression turns soft when he sees the desperation and longing in Jongin's face. "He's my friend too, you know. We talk often. He's always asking about how you're doing."
Jongin feels something warm blossom in his chest but that feeling instantly dissipates and turns into anger instead. "Well, he could just ask me himself if he really wants to know." Jongin's aware that he's picking at a scab instead of letting it heal but Kyungsoo has wounded him in more ways than one and this newfound information is making Jongin even more confused and hurt. First, Kyungsoo leaves him with a sorry excuse but now, he's worried about how Jongin's doing? It doesn't make sense. And Jongin doesn't want to be given false hope.
The other had been the one to call it quits, why does he suddenly care when Jongin's trying so hard to move on?
"It's not really his fault, Jongin, don't put all the blame on him. He was just trying to protect you."
Now Jongin's positively enraged. "Protect me?" Jongin snaps and Yixing's eyes turn wide. He's not used to seeing this side of Jongin, no one is. Jongin is usually calm and reserved, not flashes of anger and wild eyes. "Protect me from what? From potential heartbreak in the future because he was still planning on ending things with me, anyway? Is that it?" Something inside him is causing him to flare up even more in intensity. Jongin thinks it's affliction gone wrong. "If this is his way of protecting me, then Do Kyungsoo is a load of bullshit!"
"Jongin!" Yixing gasps and even Jongin's surprised at the things he just said. But all the weeks of bottling up the pain inside him have finally taken their toll and he can't say he regrets his outburst. The alarm on Yixing's face is apparent though and the Chinese dancer grabs Jongin's hand and squeezes it, his voice almost pleading. "Jongin, I don't think you understand-"
"No, hyung. I used to think I didn't understand." Jongin's words are hard, his voice firm. "Now, I think I do."
"But I don't think he ever meant for you to get hurt like this-"
"Okay, break time over! Everyone, get into your positions."
Saved by their leader's exclamation, Jongin frees himself from Yixing's grasp and hurriedly scampers to the front of the line. When the music starts and Jongin begins to dance, this time he dances with reckless abandon, letting all his emotions feed on his movements until he is a powerhouse once again.
When practice is over and they're packing their things, Jongin gets a pat on the shoulder from their leader and he's told, "Good to see you're back in the game, Jongin. I was beginning to wonder if you're losing your touch."
He bows down to Yunho muttering a polite thank you but when Jongin goes back up, he doesn't miss the concerned look that Yixing throws him.
Jongin quickly looks away.
He used to think that Kyungsoo was his song but maybe Jongin can dance without Kyungsoo after all.
The colors of Seoul change with the seasons and Jongin rides along waves of expectations. Summer starts to fray around the edges and Autumn rolls in turning the world into a huge sunset.
Yixing doesn't talk to him about anything else except choreography anymore and he's thankful but not pleased. Hesitant smiles are what they have between them until Jongin grabs the older one's wrist during a 5-minute break and wraps him in an awkward hug, arms a bit stiff and his voice unsure as he mumbles, "I'm sorry." His words are sincere and regretful.
Jongin feels a little like he's suffocating even though he's the one who initiated contact but Yixing's tinkling laughter and the hair ruffle he gets in return are worth it. They're back to casual conversations but they never mention his name.
By the fifth month, Kyungsoo's scent on Jongin's skin begins to fade, his heart's starting to feel a little bit lighter. He starts spending more time with his friends, joining Sehun and Zitao on their beach trips, pale cinnamon flesh turning golden in the autumn sunlight. This time, the salt on his skin isn't from the sting of someone's words, it's from wading into the ocean trying to wash away the pain of yesterday.
Sometimes Junmyeon and Jongdae invite him over to their shared apartment and sometimes he goes there without telling them first, demanding for dinner with an uncharacteristic pout. Jongdae whacks him on the head and calls him a brat but lets him in nonetheless, laughter ringing in the air, and the three of them share Chinese take-out meant for two. But really, their company is all Jongin wants and the other two know that the real reason behind Jongin's visits isn't free food.
During dance practices, he jokes around with Taemin and steals from Sehun's bottle of Gatorade when his best friend's too busy talking to Zitao about the Chinese boy's latest flip in the choreo meant for their next showcase.
Jongin still frequents the coffee shop but only during mornings when he's deprived of sleep and he hasn't restocked on his supply of instant coffee. His visits are rare but Minseok always has a smile to offer him whenever he walks in, knapsack slung haphazardly over his shoulder and a yawn escaping from his lips. Sometimes when Minseok's in a good mood, he throws in a blueberry muffin or a brownie with Jongin's usual cup of americano and Jongin swears that when he's no longer a poor college student, he'll buy Minseok a new coffee machine.
He focuses all of his attention on dance and college, passing by milky white skin and heart-shaped lips in the hallways without so much as a second glance and he doesn't notice the wide eyes that linger on his back a beat too long for the gazes to be considered fleeting. Even if Jongin did notice, he would have chosen not to care. He thinks things are better this way.
By the seventh month, Kyungsoo's scent on Jongin's skin is faint, hazelnut no longer mixing in with citrus. Jongin thinks he can breathe properly now.
He lets himself be led to the right path as he dances everything away, the music coursing through his veins as he pops and locks and moves his body as if he is art in motion and poetry in the way he breathes. He tries to erase memories of past nights in his apartment when he would dance to the voice of someone singing, the darkness swallowing them whole as his fluid movements traced invisible patterns in the shadows of everything he once held dear, back when someone's heartbeats lulled him to sleep when his bones have done enough for the day and all he wants to do is snuggle against a warm chest. He tries to erase them because he is so close to forgetting and he doesn't want to replay rhythms and tempos that no longer move in sync with him.
By the ninth month, Kyungsoo's scent is entirely gone, not a trace of it left. Jongin's heart doesn't feel heavy anymore. The weight has lifted.
"So you're finally over him, huh?" Sehun asks over greasy fries and burgers with too much cheese for them to be considered healthy.
Jongin looks up from drinking his soda, face perplexed at Sehun's sudden concern and he shrugs. "I guess." Sehun lets out a snort and Jongin clears his throat. "I mean, uh, yeah I like to think so." He goes back to attacking his burger and the subject drops.
Sehun quirks an eyebrow but doesn't say anything more.
By the thirteenth month, Jongin stops by a random book store and meets beautiful Byun Baekhyun, who wraps Jongin's purchase with a nice brown ribbon with fingers that Jongin wants to touch, wondering if they're as soft and as smooth as they look. Beautiful Byun Baekhyun with the sun in his smile and the stars in his eyes and skin the color of peaches-and-cream. Beautiful Byun Baekhyun whose laughter makes Jongin's heart leap and Jongin does take a leap when he asks Baekhyun out on a date during his third visit because the book store's not so random anymore ever since Jongin saw the beautiful man who works there.
When Jongin ever so casually asks Baekhyun out between the aisles of classics for a movie and dinner, he's never heard an "I would love to! I'm free this Saturday night?" and a chuckle so sweet since - no, he's not going there. A flash of raven black hair and warm eyes pass in his mind but he quickly pushes the images away, focusing on the radiant smile on Baekhyun's lips.
"That's great! What time do you want to meet up?"
They agree to see the latest romcom movie that Baekhyun admits he's been looking forward to and dinner at the cheap Italian restaurant that serves good chicken fettucine located down the street of the movie theater.
The movie is surprisingly funny and engaging, Jongin laughs at all the right times but he doesn't miss Baekhyun's hands brushing against his and before he can stop himself, he intertwines their fingers together. Jongin finds out that they are as soft and as smooth as they look.
Baekhyun looks up at him, surprise evident on his face but there's also a pleasant flush spreading across his cheeks and Jongin leans down to meet him halfway. The kiss is quick, just a press of lips on lips and when Jongin pulls back, the dazed look on Baekhyun's face makes him look even more beautiful than he usually does.
At the end of the night, he walks Baekhyun home and this time, the shorter boy stands on his toes and kisses Jongin deeply. Jongin automatically wraps his arms around Baekhyun's waist and Baekhyun drags him inside his apartment and somewhere along the way to Baekhyun's bed, both shirts are strewn to the floor.
By the end of the thirteenth month, they call each other boyfriends and have each other on speed dial.
The next few weeks pass by in a blur of stolen kisses between polished bookshelves and fast food dinners in Jongin's apartment because Baekhyun doesn't know how to cook and it's easier to make phone calls to the nearest Kyochon than to search online for recipes that they both know will just end in disaster. Jongin feels like he's on top of the world again when Baekhyun hand-feeds him fried chicken with his long slender fingers but even though his mind doesn't want to acknowledge it, his taste buds miss someone's homecooked japchae and kimchi jjigae.
By the fifteenth month, Baekhyun tells Jongin that he loves him under the blankets, his breath uneven and both of their hair tousled, their clothes on the floor. Jongin pretends to have fallen asleep but he hears the soft sigh that Baekhyun lets out, barely concealed heartache lingering in the air and Jongin wants to punch himself in the gut because he feels like a huge asshole who doesn't deserve any of this, doesn't deserve Baekhyun who's nestled in his arms.
By the seventeenth month, Jongin still hasn't replied back to Baekhyun's confession.
Baekhyun doesn't let his disappointment show but Jongin can see it nonetheless, hidden behind smiles that are a tad too forced and sometimes Baekhyun hugs Jongin like he doesn't want to let go. And Jongin wonders why, wonders why he can't seem to say it back. Baekhyun is wonderful and easygoing and makes Jongin feel happy. He lets Jongin steal all the fries on his plate and visits Jongin's apartment during late nights when the younger boy craves for company and sometimes Baekhyun sings because Jongin asks him to.
Baekhyun has a beautiful voice but it's not the song Jongin's looking for.
And Baekhyun knows. Baekhyun knows that it's not his company that Jongin craves but he's so stupidly in love with the dancer to care. And along with his foolish love, Baekhyun still hopes that maybe someday, he can tuck himself in Jongin's heart comfortably like he belongs there.
By the nineteenth month, Jongin no longer asks him to sing. Baekhyun stops hoping.
By the end of the nineteenth month, he leads Jongin to a secluded part of the bookshop, pushes him against the wall and kisses the younger boy long and hard, sucking on plump lips and dragging his tongue along the roof of Jongin's mouth.
Jongin kisses back, his fingers caught in the soft strands of the shorter one's chestnut hair, letting himself get lost in the ecstasy and the feeling of Baekhyun's warm body pressed against his.
His moment of bliss is brought to an abrupt stop when he tastes salt and he immediately pulls back. Baekhyun is crying.
"Baek, what's wrong? Why are you crying?" he cups Baekhyun's face in his hands, voice on the edge of worry but confusion on his face. "Did I do something wrong? Don't cry."
Baekhyun wipes his tears away and shakes his head, there's a sad smile on his face that makes Jongin want to kiss it away. The shorter man looks up at him with tear-streaked eyes as he says in a cheeky voice, "I'm breaking up with you, Kim Jongin~"
Jongin immediately drops his hands as if burned and he starts wondering if this is a hidden camera joke, plotted by his friends and Baekhyun is simply in on it too. This sounds suspiciously like something Jongdae would do.
"Haha, very funny, Baek. You almost got me there," he says wryly, his eyebrows furrowed. "C'mon, let's eat. Junmyeon-hyung told me about this place that has the best bongchu jjimdak."
He turns around and is about to walk away when Baekhyun grabs his wrist and drags him with enough strength to turn him back around so that they're facing each other again. Jongin is surprised by the look on Baekhyun's face - it's a mixture between exhaustion and heartbreak. He's seen that look once on a different person, it hurts seeing it again.
That night, Jongin walks home alone. He doesn't call Sehun, he doesn't get drunk, he doesn't feel anything except vast emptiness. He realizes that he misses someone.
It takes him only a second that feels more like an eternity to realize that the person he misses isn't Baekhyun.
"Great job tonight, Jongin!" He barely catches the words as he struggles to move against the crowd that's vibrating with burning energy. He feels sweat trickling down the nape of his neck and there are hooded eyes staring at him with such smoldering intensity that he feels like they could set him ablaze if they tried hard enough.
"Thanks, Xing! You too!" he shouts back and he lets a familiar pair of hands plant themselves on his waist and guide him to the bar.
The club's packed with throngs of people and the plethora of noises mixing in with the loudness of Jongin's heartbeats are enough to pump the adrenaline in his veins even though he's trying to shake himself off from his performance high. His dance group had been one of the acts tonight and even though they weren't the highlight, a lot of people from their university had come to see them dance on stage and the bright lights had been a little blinding but the deafening cheers and screams from the audience had Jongin reeling in the best way possible.
He plops himself on one of the bar stools, Yixing sitting right beside him. He orders a mixed drink with not too much alcohol content in it while Yixing orders something a little stronger. He doesn't want to get drunk tonight, he just wants to be able to relax.
Jongin's got two weeks of break ahead of him and he doesn't exactly know what to do with all the free time. Sehun and Zitao had offered for him to join them in their little trek up the mountains but he doesn't exactly want to be a third wheel, especially since the other two are almost always attached at the hip and are infamous for their blatant public displays of affection. Jongin momentarily shudders at the memory of him walking in on one of their heated make-out sessions and it's not exactly something he wants to relive again.
The bartender pushes their drinks towards them, a fragile-looking man with pixie-like features and a nice eye-smile. He heard Yixing call for him earlier, Luhan or Huhan or something. The noise is vibrating in Jongin's ears.
He leans his back on the bar and lets his eyes scan over the dance floor. Taemin's in the center with Kibum, spotlight on them as they pop and lock to the beat of the music and there's a growing audience cheering them on. Sehun and Zitao are watching them until Sehun leans over to whisper something in Zitao's ear. Zitao nods and the two start moving their way out of the throng of people, going god knows where to do god knows what that Jongin doesn't want to think about.
Jongin focuses his attention somewhere else and it lands on Junmyeon and Jongdae, who are both seated at a corner booth. Jongin had invited all of his friends to watch their group's performance tonight and after finishing his drink in one gulp, he puts the glass down and is about to head over to his hyungs when someone beats him to it.
Do fucking Kyungsoo beats him to it.
Jongin recoils and in his moment of shock, he bumps into someone. The girl glares at him but Jongin couldn't care less as he tries to walk back to the bar on feet that feel like jelly and he calls for the bartender, Luhan or Huhan or something, and orders a shot of tequila. He downs it all in one go and it burns, it fucking burns and stings and his eyes start to water. He doesn't feel any better though so he orders another. He feels like he's drinking fire as the liquid scorches its way down his throat but he still feels fucking miserable so he orders another one and the bartender, Luhan or Huhan or something, begins to have this look of worry but Jongin brushes it off and promises to himself, and maybe to the bartender as well but he's not really sure, that this will be his last because any more than this and he knows he's going to feel more dead than drunk. He downs the shot and the initial spice has him feeling gaseous and warm until his head starts swimming in all directions and the people in the dance floor start looking like jellyfish.
So much for not getting drunk tonight.
Jongin doesn't know how he got himself into this situation but Kyungsoo is peppering kisses down his throat and Jongin feels heat going south and he knows that any minute now, he's going to be painfully hard and he's unsure if Kyungsoo will be willing to suck him off.
Jongin had staggered from the bar to the corner booth where Junmyeon, Jongdae, and Kyungsoo had been drinking bottle after bottle of beer but after some time, the couple had opted to have some fun on the dance floor when in all honesty, they're both shit at dancing -- even more so when they're drunk and high on each other's love and all that jazz, but Kyungsoo had stayed and if Jongin hadn't been so hell-bent on getting himself intoxicated, he would have noticed Kyungsoo's lingering gazes on him all throughout the night.
He slips into the booth and Kyungsoo looks at him with hooded eyes and for a contemplative second, Jongin wants to bolt through the doors of the club and never come back because he's just an arms reach away from the boy who broke his heart all those months ago (twenty three months, something days that Jongin's tried hard not to count) but before he can move, Kyungsoo leans over and kisses him, kisses him full on the lips and he tastes like ashes and alcohol and Jongin can't get enough so he kisses Kyungsoo back and wonders if he'll get even more intoxicated by the taste of Kyungsoo's tongue on his and the faint scent of hazelnut on the older boy's skin.
He still smells like hazelnut. Jongin still smells like citrus. Some things never change.
They break apart and both of their lips are swollen, bee-stung beautiful and it would've been such a sight to behold if there were any spectators but at the moment, it's just the two of them, so drunk on lust and nothing matters except for the both of them because the rest of the world is drinking themselves into oblivion and dancing, thrusting, shaking to rhythms and beats unknown so Kyungsoo takes the other's hand in his, leans over a second time to whisper into Jongin's ear, "Come home with me tonight."
And that's how he found himself body flush against the older boy's, shirts on the floor, his back against Kyungsoo's bed in Kyungsoo's goddamn apartment somewhere Jongin doesn't know. The direction of Kyungsoo's kisses are going downward and Jongin is now painfully hard and he doesn't want Kyungsoo to suck him off anymore because he wants to bury himself inside the older boy's warmth and feel Kyungsoo move against him again.
He's not sure if he's fueled by emotions right now, he think he's fueled by lust and alcohol and the need to feel wanted again, even just for a single night that he'll regret in the morning, but when Kyungsoo looks into his eyes as he unzips Jongin's pants -- Jongin might have to go with the former.
Kyungsoo looks so beautiful that Jongin can't help but look away. He holds down his tears and wills himself to forget everything except for the way Kyungsoo looks tonight.
Sunlight streams in through the blinds -- Kyungsoo's always hated curtains -- when Jongin stirs awake and he's greeted by a hangover and christ his head hurts so much. He's face to face with Kyungsoo's unfamiliar closet in this unfamiliar room in this unfamiliar apartment that Jongin knows is located in an unfamiliar street but when he turns around, he's met with a familiar sight.
Kyungsoo's peaceful sleeping face still manages to take his breath away.
He gets up somewhat reluctantly because his head feels heavy and so does his heart but he needs to be out of here before the older boy wakes up. He quietly gathers his clothes from the floor and puts them on, walking quickly out of the room as he inserts his arms through the sleeves of his shirt. He doesn't look back at the precious bundle of blankets and sleeping human before he closes the door.
He treads lightly through the tiled floor and finds his way out of the apartment with ease. He opens the wooden front door and before it can close behind him with a soft click, he thinks he can the hear the faint padding of someone's footsteps but when the sound of the door closing resonates throughout the deserted hallway, Jongin feels very very small and very very foolish.
And really, Jongin doesn't expect for Kyungsoo to suddenly wake up and chase after him because this is not a sappy love story nor a best-selling romance novel. This is Jongin's life and it's so ordinary it hurts.
( Part Two )