(for zhgyi) dismantle, repair - part 2 of 2
For: zhgyi
Title: dismantle, repair
It's a Saturday afternoon, the sun is about to set and the sky is a stained peach and bleeding softly, slowly stretching reds and oranges and pinks across the horizon. It's the perfect time to take a walk but Jongin's having none of that.
He's currently inside the grocery store a few blocks away from his apartment because he's just run out of food, having discovered his empty fridge and cabinets when he was in the middle of a movie marathon and he'd run into the kitchen in the hopes of having something to munch on, only to be met with disappointment.
It's been a few weeks since his night with Kyungsoo and he remembers a time when he used to do this with the other boy. Kyungsoo had mostly nagged at Jongin's choice of unhealthy snacks, especially Jongin's penchant for instant noodles. "Jongin, you can't live on ramyun! I demand you put those back on the shelf or there will be no kissing for an entire week!" Kyungsoo used to say with an indignant huff and Jongin would laugh and kiss him right there in the middle of the aisle anyway as if to prove a point.
It's kind of unfair actually. The past two years Jongin's been trying so hard to forget about the older boy and move on but Kyungsoo suddenly comes waltzing into his life again like a typhoon and Jongin can't help but get caught up in the little whirlwind. It's like the past months (actually, 24 months and 11 days because Jongin had finally bothered to count) of trying to heal old wounds are being put to waste because just one kiss, one touch, one whisper of his name and Jongin instantly got lost in the moment, drowned in wide eyes all over again and it's haunting him now.
Kyungsoo had been so beautiful and so real, just an arms reach for Jongin to curl onto his side again just like old times but he was also worlds away and Jongin knows that he no longer belongs with him. Beautiful, real things that you've already broken are painful to touch.
Jongin lets out a long suffering sigh at the thoughts running through his head, grabbing a box of cereal and heading towards Aisle 23 where the coffee's located.
He stops wheeling his cart around and flinches when he hears a familiar voice call out his name.
"Jongin?"
No. Fucking no. His sorry excuse of a life's not a freaking TV show, god damn it.
And yet when Jongin turns around, he sees the boy he's been trying to force himself into thinking that he doesn't love anymore.
"Kyungsoo," he acknowledges the smaller man, his voice quivering at the last syllable and if Kyungsoo caught it, he doesn't let it show.
Kyungsoo lets a hesitant smile grace his lips. "Hey, are you out alone?"
Jongin nods, feeling rather embarrassed and looking meekly at his cart. "Yeah, I am. You?"
"Actually, I --"
"Kyungsoo! I found the brand of tomato sauce that you wanted."
The unfamiliar voice has Jongin's head jerking up and his eyes land on a tall, taller than him, guy who drops a pack of spaghetti sauce on Kyungsoo's cart. Jongin eyes the newcomer warily. He's seen him around the campus before, who wouldn't when the guy practically towered over everyone else, but never cared enough to know his name.
Until now, that is.
Tall Guy looks up from the cart and when he sees Jongin, he instantly smiles, all white teeth and crinkled eyes. Jongin decides he doesn't like Tall Guy, not when Kyungsoo's looking at him gratefully, the same way he used to look at Jongin whenever he successfully found the brand of canned mushroom soup that the older boy's always liked.
"Hey, who's this?" Tall Guy asks Kyungsoo while gesturing to Jongin, who's standing awkwardly feeling very much like a third wheel. Out of place, like he doesn't belong. Which he really doesn't.
Kyungsoo jumps a little and Jongin would think it's adorable if his heart wasn't hurting so much right now. "Right, silly me." He laughs nervously. "Chanyeol, this is Jongin. He's my, um ... my-"
"Friend." Jongin reaches out a hand for Chanyeol to shake. "I'm Kyungsoo's friend." The word's tearing Jongin apart and he can see Kyungsoo fidget uncomfortably. The awkwardness mixed with the pain is so suffocating that Jongin feels like crying.
Chanyeol takes Jongin's hand and proceeds to pull Jongin in for a half-hug. Jongin winces when his shoulder collides with Chanyeol's and Jongin would have pushed him away if he didn't want to come off as rude. "Hey, Jongin. I'm Chanyeol! Kyungsoo's roommate," Chanyeol says to him good-naturedly with a wide grin.
The words "You have a roommate?" die on Jongin's lips before he gets the chance to ask Kyungsoo because Chanyeol suddenly says, "We're having dinner in the apartment tonight! Kyungsoo's cooking, have you tried his dishes before? If you haven't, you absolutely have to because they're amazing!"
Jongin briefly thinks that Chanyeol looks like an overexcited little puppy, and acts like one. He can't imagine Kyungsoo spending most of his time with a human version of a Golden Retriever. He's never been good with noise and huge bundles of energy.
He looks over at Kyungsoo and the older boy's eyes are wider than their usual size, almost as if he's afraid of what Jongin's going to reply to such an innocent question.
"Yeah, I have," he replies, shrugging nonchalantly as if it's no big deal even though it really is.
Chanyeol now sports a look of mild surprise mixed with confusion. "Oh, really? You must be pretty close with Kyungsoo then, how come I've never seen you before?" He looks down at Kyungsoo for some enlightenment.
"I could say the same for you," Jongin wants to snap but he lets the words dissipate on his tongue because he doesn't like picking fights and he has a hunch that Chanyeol's just going to look like a kicked puppy instead of feeling offended. The last thing Jongin wants to do is hurt unsuspecting puppies.
Kyungsoo looks like doesn't trust himself to speak and Jongin can't find any words to explain either but things are getting really awkward and Jongin feels like he's being smothered by a wave of unwanted emotions so he says smoothly, "Kyungsoo and I go a long way back." And before Chanyeol can ask any more stupid questions that would require equally stupid answers, he adds "I, uh I need to get going. See you guys around."
"Yeah, sure, of course!" Chanyeol waves goodbye as Jongin starts to head towards the direction of the counters.
Jongin doesn't spare the two another glance as he wheels his cart but he can feel both pairs of eyes trained on his back and he knows that the hairs on the nape of his neck are brought about by Kyungsoo's lingering gaze on him.
Chanyeol was one to talk. Of course Jongin's tried Kyungsoo's cooking. In fact, Kyungsoo used to make hoddeok for him during Saturday afternoons when they had nothing else to do, just like this one. Also, the way Chanyeol had slung his arm over Kyungsoo's shoulders when they thought Jongin wasn't looking had him wanting to snatch Kyungsoo away from the taller boy. It's absurd because he knows that he shouldn't jump to the conclusion that they're together but he feels irritated at the thought that Chanyeol is now more important than him to Kyungsoo.
Jongin feels something growing in the pit of his stomach. It's not hunger anymore. He thinks it might be jealousy.
The following days are a bit difficult for Jongin. He was on the brink of failing a test in English, his concentration elsewhere and flitting to a boy's smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Most nights, all he could think of was Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, Kyungsoo's voice, what Kyungsoo was doing, Kyungsoo this, Kyungsoo that, Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo, and most of all, why Kyungsoo wasn't beside him in this dark dark apartment that feels lonely and cold to the touch without the older boy's warmth.
During dance practice, Jongin slips near the ending of the song but it's nothing serious and instead of concerned looks, he's met with his instructor's stern face and a reprimanding tone saying "Focus, Jongin."
Focus, Jongin. Focus.
"Kyungsoo's been asking about you again," Yixing says to him as they pack up their things. The Chinese boy has that worried look on his face and Jongin doesn't want to care, doesn't want to get caught up in the tangled web of Kyungsoo all over again but he's falling and he's on his knees begging for a way out but he can't get up and he's lost and when Yixing asks softly, in the softest voice ever known that Jongin doesn't know how he managed to hear it but he hears it all the same and his heart cracks somewhere as the words leave the other dancer's mouth, "Did something happen between the two of you?"
All focus gone.
On lacquered wood at a Tuesday evening in a dance studio located somewhere a few blocks from Sehun's favorite bubble tea shop where said boy is happily drinking taro milk tea and chewing on tapioca pearls, his best friend breaks down and cries on Yixing's shoulder.
Jongin's busy studying for his quiz on Anthropology when he suddenly hears several continuous knocks on the door, the tapping of knuckles against wood impatient, and Jongin almost hollers at the other person to wait the fuck up before the knocking stops and he's met with silence as his hand grips the doorknob.
When he opens it, he doesn't expect to find Kyungsoo standing on his doorstep, face flushed and hair tousled.
"Jongin-ah!" Kyungsoo exclaims like a little child and he lets himself inside Jongin's apartment, pushing his way past the taller boy.
Jongin closes the door, his heart hammering against his chest because Kyungsoo is back again in his apartment and this is absurd. Also, he reeks of alcohol and Jongin knows that this can't be good.
Kyungsoo's sitting on the couch in a manner like he owns the place and maybe he used to back then when they shared everything from the same tube of toothpaste to arguing over dirty laundry but this is now. Now is two years too late for another round of wishful thinking. Jongin can't help but feel like Kyungsoo looks like he truly belongs here though. With him.
Out of all the questions swimming in his head, Jongin doesn't expect himself to blurt out, "How'd you get here?"
Kyungsoo looks up at him, an amused smile playing on his lips as he replies, "Taxi cab! Duuuuuh~" He slurs the last word and Jongin winces.
"Why are you here?"
"Because I wanted to see Jonginnie! I wanted to see my friend! We're friends, aren't we, Jongin-ah? That's what you told Yeollie in the supermarket." The older boy's lower lip juts out in a pout on the last word.
No, they're not but Jongin nods because drunk Kyungsoo is whiny Kyungsoo. "Yeah, we're friends." A lump in his throat but Jongin swallows and wills himself to be strong.
He sits beside the smaller boy, careful to put a considerable amount of distance between the two of them. "It's past midnight and you're drunk. You should've called either Jongdae-hyung or Junmyeon-hyung." Jongin furrows his eyebrows because the older boy should've known better, even in his inebriated state. "You're lucky the driver didn't bring you to an abandoned warehouse, tied you up, and held you for ransom."
Kyungsoo shrieks with exaggerated laughter, slapping his thighs and then punching Jongin on the shoulder. It doesn't hurt a bit but Kyungsoo's strength has always been like a kitten's. He just likes to hit people for fun.
"Jongin-ah, you're so funny! You weren't funny before! Remember, I never laughed at your jokes!" Kyungsoo continues to end all his sentences with exclamation points, the alcohol in his system turning him into a hyperactive overgrown child.
Jongin's about to grumble a reply when he suddenly has his arms full of Kyungsoo, the latter climbing onto his lap and burying his face against the crook of Jongin's neck. Jongin tries to pry him off but Kyungsoo clings on firmly and Jongin knows, Jongin knows that this is wrong and Kyungsoo probably won't remember any of this in the morning but Jongin will and it hurts that he wants so much more than what Kyungsoo can give him when he's sober.
Jongin lets his arms fall on the sofa while Kyungsoo squirms away from Jongin's shoulder and decides to plant his head on the younger boy's chest instead. Jongin wonders if Kyungsoo can feel and hear how fast his heart is beating at the moment.
"Hyung, you're drunk," Jongin says weakly after a moment of uncomfortable silence on his part.
There's another beat of silence before Kyungsoo speaks up. "You never called me hyung before." The response is uttered in hushed tones and he can hear the pout in the older boy's voice, a stark contrast to the way Kyungsoo was acting a few minutes ago. It makes Jongin's stomach clench and he wonders what he did wrong to deserve something like this -- when Kyungsoo's on his lap and so vulnerable, so easy to love again, but also so drunk out of his mind.
Kyungsoo looks up at him and Jongin feels so small, like a tiny speck in the universe undeserving of anything coming from the boy who's looking at him like he's his entire world.
"Jongin-ah, I'm sorry. I don't want to be friends."
The sentence strikes through Jongin like an arrow piercing his chest but before he can ask the older boy about what he meant, Kyungsoo falls back on his shoulder and he hears soft snoring.
Jongin starts threading his fingers through Kyungsoo's hair, an old habit of theirs, and he glances at the clock only to see that it's already nearing 1 a.m.
Jongin has a test tomorrow in Anthropology but he realizes that the boy in his arms is much more important.
Jongin wakes up and his back is aching but of course it does because the same moment he feels the pain go to his brain, he also remembers that he spent the night sleeping on the couch with a 21-year old on his lap. But said 21-year old is currently nowhere to be found.
He spies the forgotten Anthropology textbook lying forlornly on his coffee table and he mutters "Shit" under his breath before he drags panicked eyes over to the wall clock. He heaves a sigh of relief. More than two hours before his first class. He'll manage.
He stands up to stretch and he can smell breakfast cooking. He pads over to the kitchen on socked feet and he finds Kyungsoo by the stove flipping pancakes. There are two steaming mugs of coffee beside two plates on the table.
Kyungsoo notices his presence and he doesn't greet Jongin a good morning. He just smiles and focuses his attention back to cooking.
"Your head --"
"I'm okay," Kyungsoo replies, eyes never leaving the frying pan. "I took some aspirin from your medicine cabinet and I'll be much better after I've drank some coffee. I started making breakfast by the way. I hope you don't mind."
"I don't mind. I should thank you for that actually."
Kyungsoo just hums and Jongin takes a seat, knowing that Kyungsoo doesn't like being disturbed whenever he's cooking. The silence hangs over them but it's not like a raincloud, it's almost bearable, just gray skies not strong enough to hurt, not strong enough to wreak havoc and cause unwanted misery. Of course, when Kyungsoo sits down on the chair opposite him, Jongin decides to ruin the peaceful thrum by opening his mouth and his timing is really fucking brilliant, he deserves all the awards.
"Hyung, we need to talk."
Kyungsoo begins slicing his pancakes, dividing them into little pieces and his eyes never leave his plate. He looks eerily calm and Jongin's frustrated because he doesn't know what this is all about, where this is all going, what's going to happen to the both of them. He's frustrated and he feels like tearing his hair out at the sight of Kyungsoo in his kitchen, like all those months ago (more than 25 months but Jongin's stopped counting the days, it's not like it really matters), all the same yet so different and just so fucking frustrating it's enough to drive Jongin nuts.
There's a knife on the table but Jongin doesn't need that to cut his heart out open for the older boy to see what's in it.
Before he can stop himself, he blurts out, "These past two years, I have been trying to forget the things you did and said to me and I think somewhere along the way, I succeeded. But despite that, I'm still on the losing end because not once did I forget about the way you made me feel. And fucking shit, Kyungsoo, it felt incredibly amazing -- being with you. But it also hurt like hell when you left and I don't want to go through that again." He finishes and he's out of breath and out of his mind but it had to be said, it had to be done.
Jongin doesn't really expect a reply but anything, literally anything -- even a rejection or an affirmation that he's right, they can't learn to love each other again -- is better than the silence that's currently shrouding the both of them in an uncomfortable embrace.
"Hyung."
The seconds continue to tick by on the wall clock. He wants to reach out and to hold Kyungsoo but everything is a touch too delicate or a touch too hard on the knees and Jongin's not sure if the bruises have healed enough to withstand the pain of a love that never came easy.
"Hyung."
"Stop calling me that," Kyungsoo snaps, finally looking up, a flicker of anger in his eyes matching the fire in his voice.
Jongin visibly deflates and it's his turn to look down. Maybe he read this wrong all along. He clears his throat. "Last night ... last night, you said you didn't want to be friends."
Kyungsoo's eyes soften at the fidgeting younger boy in front of him. "Jongin..." He picks up his glass and takes a sip of water. "I always mean the things I say when I'm drunk."
"I know."
"And you also know I just end up regretting them the morning after."
A pause. Painful for Jongin, contemplative for Kyungsoo.
Of course, of course he did.
"But not this one." The words are soft, coming from the older boy's mouth but they're also firm in a way that he means them. "I don't want to be friends. I want more. More of you, more of us, more of what we had before I ruined it." His eyes start to glisten and Jongin's heart swells. Kyungsoo doesn't cry easily. "And I'm fucking sorry for hurting you. I really am. I honestly thought that we were better off without each other but that may have been my biggest mistake because I ended up miserable. And maybe I'm being the most selfish asshole in the planet but I want more of Kyungsoo and Jongin. Again."
Jongin looks up and he sees something in Kyungsoo's eyes -- yet again a mixture of heartbreak and exhaustion but it's different from the look he had two years ago. While that one had looked like the end, this one had fear mixed in and maybe, if Jongin wasn't deluding himself, a little spark of hope.
But what about Jongin? Is this what he wants as well? Is he really sure that he wants to go down this road again? He is afraid of pain, afraid of getting hurt, but he can't deny to himself that what he's most afraid of is losing Kyungsoo again especially when the older is looking at him with eyes that speak volumes of fear and uncertainty as well. Kyungsoo had been his first kiss, first love, first real heartbreak. And naive as he was, he had been completely dead-set on making Kyungsoo his last.
Kyungsoo bites down on his upper lip, eyebrows knitted and Jongin's heart trembles a little. The older boy opens his mouth to say something but Jongin beats him to it.
"Wecan," the two words sound rushed in his haste so he clears his throat and starts over. "We can try." He swallows and he wonders if Kyungsoo can sense how nervous and uncertain he is at the moment. "I want it too."
The words tumble out awkwardly and Jongin almost winces because he feels silly but Kyungsoo stops worrying his lip and a hint of a smile spreads a little, a bit of sunshine after the rain. Jongin's world is a drizzle but it also feels like it's on the brink of a typhoon because Kyungsoo's always been the mighty storm that he can't help but get caught up in.
Kyungsoo stays put but Jongin feels a firm tug and he falls again, harder this time and so very afraid but also ready to brave the unpredictable weather.
Because he knows that sunshine alone won't make the flowers grow. Everything needs a little bit of rain, even love. The world is always more beautiful when the skies are clear but Jongin wants to fall in love like the rain.
"So why do I have meet this Chan too tall guy again?"
Kyungsoo glares at him but Jongin doesn't really feel threatened because he's still taller than the older boy and whenever Kyungsoo looks offended, he just looks like a disgruntled kitten. "His name is Chanyeol," Kyungsoo snaps. "And we're meeting him in Minseok-hyung's coffee shop because he asked nicely and he's brought his boyfriend along with him. Plus, he's my roommate and I live with him. Be nice."
He swallows the words "Just move in with me" before he can let them out and wreak potential havoc because it's only been two weeks since they got back together and even though he feels like he's on top of the world again whenever Kyungsoo's in his arms and looking up at him with a smile that can light up the world, Jongin knows it's a little bit too early for those kinds of things. He's willing to take baby steps because he knows that the wait will be worth it. Kyungsoo's worth it. Kyungsoo will always be worth it.
Kyungsoo opens the glass door to the coffee shop and Jongin breathes in the familiar smell of coffee and cinnamon. This is how Minseok smells like most of the time too.
Speaking of Minseok, he's nowhere to be seen. There's a new guy behind the counter and when Jongin and Kyungsoo walk over to order, Jongin's surprised to see that the new guy looks familiar.
New Guy seems like he knows him too, judging by the way he has this glint in his eyes that's making Jongin uncomfortable.
"Hi, Luhan! How are you?" Kyungsoo asks cheerfully and Jongin's eyes widen. Kyungsoo knows him? And where did Jongin hear that name again? Luhan or Huhan or something.
Luhan or Huhan or something (ugh Jongin really needs to listen more carefully next time) hands them their change but even though his words are directed at Kyungsoo, he's looking at Jongin. "Oh, I'm fine. Who's your friend?"
Kyungsoo looks at the blonde-haired boy, then at Jongin, and he breaks out into a grin. "Oh, right! Silly me. Luhan, this is Jongin. Jongin, this is Luhan. He's Minseok-hyung's new barista," Kyungsoo lets out a fake cough. "And maybe even more than that."
Luhan scowls at Kyungsoo but then refocuses his attention on Jongin. "So this is the infamous Kim Jongin. Minseok's told me all about you." Luhan pauses and the glint in his eyes turn mischievous. "Did it kill ya?"
Jongin furrows his eyebrows. "Huh?"
"Tequila." Luhan smirks. "Did it te kill ya?"
That has got to be the worst joke ever but Jongin blushes and Luhan snickers and Kyungsoo just looks plain confused. Luhan has the decency to wave his hands and brush them off though, saying that he'll just call them over once their drinks are finished.
Of course. That Luhan (finally!) dude was the bartender from the club.
"What was that all about?" Kyungsoo nudges him but before Jongin can come up with an embarassing reply, his heart drops down to his stomach and he pales when they reach the table where Chanyeol and his boyfriend are sitting.
It's not because they're sitting at Kyungsoo's and Jongin's usual place, not because Chanyeol's sporting an unusually wide grin with his teeth so unusually white, and it's not even because Chanyeol has just dyed his hair a fiery red color that looks like the top of his head's on fire.
It's because sitting next to Chanyeol and looking just as flustered as Jongin is Byun Baekhyun.
"You owe me," Jongin grumbles into Kyungsoo's neck and Kyungsoo shivers a little bit at the feeling of Jongin's breath against his skin.
It's been a couple of hours since their little double date and although things have been sufficiently awkward after introductions were made and Baekhyun had confessed that they already knew each other (which inevitably led to them explaining the reason behind it), the uncomfortable feeling nestling within the little group eventually vanished as time passed by and Jongin was more than happy to see Baekhyun's smile again. It seems like Baekhyun really likes Chanyeol and it would take an idiot not to notice that the new redhead practically adores Baekhyun. Boy's whipped.
"Hey," Kyungsoo mutters weakly as Jongin begins planting kisses down his neck. "How was I supposed to know that my roommate's boyfriend is actually your ex? I didn't even know you dated someone else!"
Jongin stops kissing him just he was trailing butterfly kisses on Kyungsoo's collarbones and the older boy keeps in the whine that threatened to come out of his mouth at the loss of contact.
Jongin quirks an eyebrow. "As if you didn't?"
Kyungsoo looks up at him with an unreadable expression on his face, a little bit offended, a lot indignant, and huffs, "Well, I fooled around with Hyunsik and Dongwoon but I didn't get into any serious relationships since..." He trails off and there's a knowing smirk on Jongin's lips.
"Since?" Jongin teases.
"Oh, since you, you dickhead." Kyungsoo glares and punches Jongin on the shoulder.
"That didn't even hurt!" Jongin laughs out loud because it will never hurt, Kyungsoo's always had the strength of a kitten. He just likes to hit people for fun.
Kyungsoo glares some more because Jongin's still laughing and he's getting annoyed so he shuts him up with a kiss.
It's not perfect, what they have, and it will never be but that's okay. Kyungsoo has hurt him in all the ways a heart can bruise but it's not love if it doesn't hurt.
And really, Jongin's just happy because he finally has the song that he can dance to again. It's different now, of course. A lot has happened in two years and they are back to learning more things about each other and stumbling into moments that catch them off-guard.
But some things remain unchanged - like how Kyungsoo still smells like hazelnut and Jongin still uses the same citrus-scented bar of soap - because Kyungsoo's always had the voice Jongin can't help but lose his footing in and then regaining his balance somewhere along the way until a few fluttering of his arms transform into a beautiful work of art, the most amazing masterpiece of all, the one that dismantles and repairs itself when two people cannot deny that what they have for each other is real - love.
Title: dismantle, repair
It's a Saturday afternoon, the sun is about to set and the sky is a stained peach and bleeding softly, slowly stretching reds and oranges and pinks across the horizon. It's the perfect time to take a walk but Jongin's having none of that.
He's currently inside the grocery store a few blocks away from his apartment because he's just run out of food, having discovered his empty fridge and cabinets when he was in the middle of a movie marathon and he'd run into the kitchen in the hopes of having something to munch on, only to be met with disappointment.
It's been a few weeks since his night with Kyungsoo and he remembers a time when he used to do this with the other boy. Kyungsoo had mostly nagged at Jongin's choice of unhealthy snacks, especially Jongin's penchant for instant noodles. "Jongin, you can't live on ramyun! I demand you put those back on the shelf or there will be no kissing for an entire week!" Kyungsoo used to say with an indignant huff and Jongin would laugh and kiss him right there in the middle of the aisle anyway as if to prove a point.
It's kind of unfair actually. The past two years Jongin's been trying so hard to forget about the older boy and move on but Kyungsoo suddenly comes waltzing into his life again like a typhoon and Jongin can't help but get caught up in the little whirlwind. It's like the past months (actually, 24 months and 11 days because Jongin had finally bothered to count) of trying to heal old wounds are being put to waste because just one kiss, one touch, one whisper of his name and Jongin instantly got lost in the moment, drowned in wide eyes all over again and it's haunting him now.
Kyungsoo had been so beautiful and so real, just an arms reach for Jongin to curl onto his side again just like old times but he was also worlds away and Jongin knows that he no longer belongs with him. Beautiful, real things that you've already broken are painful to touch.
Jongin lets out a long suffering sigh at the thoughts running through his head, grabbing a box of cereal and heading towards Aisle 23 where the coffee's located.
He stops wheeling his cart around and flinches when he hears a familiar voice call out his name.
"Jongin?"
No. Fucking no. His sorry excuse of a life's not a freaking TV show, god damn it.
And yet when Jongin turns around, he sees the boy he's been trying to force himself into thinking that he doesn't love anymore.
"Kyungsoo," he acknowledges the smaller man, his voice quivering at the last syllable and if Kyungsoo caught it, he doesn't let it show.
Kyungsoo lets a hesitant smile grace his lips. "Hey, are you out alone?"
Jongin nods, feeling rather embarrassed and looking meekly at his cart. "Yeah, I am. You?"
"Actually, I --"
"Kyungsoo! I found the brand of tomato sauce that you wanted."
The unfamiliar voice has Jongin's head jerking up and his eyes land on a tall, taller than him, guy who drops a pack of spaghetti sauce on Kyungsoo's cart. Jongin eyes the newcomer warily. He's seen him around the campus before, who wouldn't when the guy practically towered over everyone else, but never cared enough to know his name.
Until now, that is.
Tall Guy looks up from the cart and when he sees Jongin, he instantly smiles, all white teeth and crinkled eyes. Jongin decides he doesn't like Tall Guy, not when Kyungsoo's looking at him gratefully, the same way he used to look at Jongin whenever he successfully found the brand of canned mushroom soup that the older boy's always liked.
"Hey, who's this?" Tall Guy asks Kyungsoo while gesturing to Jongin, who's standing awkwardly feeling very much like a third wheel. Out of place, like he doesn't belong. Which he really doesn't.
Kyungsoo jumps a little and Jongin would think it's adorable if his heart wasn't hurting so much right now. "Right, silly me." He laughs nervously. "Chanyeol, this is Jongin. He's my, um ... my-"
"Friend." Jongin reaches out a hand for Chanyeol to shake. "I'm Kyungsoo's friend." The word's tearing Jongin apart and he can see Kyungsoo fidget uncomfortably. The awkwardness mixed with the pain is so suffocating that Jongin feels like crying.
Chanyeol takes Jongin's hand and proceeds to pull Jongin in for a half-hug. Jongin winces when his shoulder collides with Chanyeol's and Jongin would have pushed him away if he didn't want to come off as rude. "Hey, Jongin. I'm Chanyeol! Kyungsoo's roommate," Chanyeol says to him good-naturedly with a wide grin.
The words "You have a roommate?" die on Jongin's lips before he gets the chance to ask Kyungsoo because Chanyeol suddenly says, "We're having dinner in the apartment tonight! Kyungsoo's cooking, have you tried his dishes before? If you haven't, you absolutely have to because they're amazing!"
Jongin briefly thinks that Chanyeol looks like an overexcited little puppy, and acts like one. He can't imagine Kyungsoo spending most of his time with a human version of a Golden Retriever. He's never been good with noise and huge bundles of energy.
He looks over at Kyungsoo and the older boy's eyes are wider than their usual size, almost as if he's afraid of what Jongin's going to reply to such an innocent question.
"Yeah, I have," he replies, shrugging nonchalantly as if it's no big deal even though it really is.
Chanyeol now sports a look of mild surprise mixed with confusion. "Oh, really? You must be pretty close with Kyungsoo then, how come I've never seen you before?" He looks down at Kyungsoo for some enlightenment.
"I could say the same for you," Jongin wants to snap but he lets the words dissipate on his tongue because he doesn't like picking fights and he has a hunch that Chanyeol's just going to look like a kicked puppy instead of feeling offended. The last thing Jongin wants to do is hurt unsuspecting puppies.
Kyungsoo looks like doesn't trust himself to speak and Jongin can't find any words to explain either but things are getting really awkward and Jongin feels like he's being smothered by a wave of unwanted emotions so he says smoothly, "Kyungsoo and I go a long way back." And before Chanyeol can ask any more stupid questions that would require equally stupid answers, he adds "I, uh I need to get going. See you guys around."
"Yeah, sure, of course!" Chanyeol waves goodbye as Jongin starts to head towards the direction of the counters.
Jongin doesn't spare the two another glance as he wheels his cart but he can feel both pairs of eyes trained on his back and he knows that the hairs on the nape of his neck are brought about by Kyungsoo's lingering gaze on him.
Chanyeol was one to talk. Of course Jongin's tried Kyungsoo's cooking. In fact, Kyungsoo used to make hoddeok for him during Saturday afternoons when they had nothing else to do, just like this one. Also, the way Chanyeol had slung his arm over Kyungsoo's shoulders when they thought Jongin wasn't looking had him wanting to snatch Kyungsoo away from the taller boy. It's absurd because he knows that he shouldn't jump to the conclusion that they're together but he feels irritated at the thought that Chanyeol is now more important than him to Kyungsoo.
Jongin feels something growing in the pit of his stomach. It's not hunger anymore. He thinks it might be jealousy.
The following days are a bit difficult for Jongin. He was on the brink of failing a test in English, his concentration elsewhere and flitting to a boy's smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Most nights, all he could think of was Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, Kyungsoo's voice, what Kyungsoo was doing, Kyungsoo this, Kyungsoo that, Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo, and most of all, why Kyungsoo wasn't beside him in this dark dark apartment that feels lonely and cold to the touch without the older boy's warmth.
During dance practice, Jongin slips near the ending of the song but it's nothing serious and instead of concerned looks, he's met with his instructor's stern face and a reprimanding tone saying "Focus, Jongin."
Focus, Jongin. Focus.
"Kyungsoo's been asking about you again," Yixing says to him as they pack up their things. The Chinese boy has that worried look on his face and Jongin doesn't want to care, doesn't want to get caught up in the tangled web of Kyungsoo all over again but he's falling and he's on his knees begging for a way out but he can't get up and he's lost and when Yixing asks softly, in the softest voice ever known that Jongin doesn't know how he managed to hear it but he hears it all the same and his heart cracks somewhere as the words leave the other dancer's mouth, "Did something happen between the two of you?"
All focus gone.
On lacquered wood at a Tuesday evening in a dance studio located somewhere a few blocks from Sehun's favorite bubble tea shop where said boy is happily drinking taro milk tea and chewing on tapioca pearls, his best friend breaks down and cries on Yixing's shoulder.
Jongin's busy studying for his quiz on Anthropology when he suddenly hears several continuous knocks on the door, the tapping of knuckles against wood impatient, and Jongin almost hollers at the other person to wait the fuck up before the knocking stops and he's met with silence as his hand grips the doorknob.
When he opens it, he doesn't expect to find Kyungsoo standing on his doorstep, face flushed and hair tousled.
"Jongin-ah!" Kyungsoo exclaims like a little child and he lets himself inside Jongin's apartment, pushing his way past the taller boy.
Jongin closes the door, his heart hammering against his chest because Kyungsoo is back again in his apartment and this is absurd. Also, he reeks of alcohol and Jongin knows that this can't be good.
Kyungsoo's sitting on the couch in a manner like he owns the place and maybe he used to back then when they shared everything from the same tube of toothpaste to arguing over dirty laundry but this is now. Now is two years too late for another round of wishful thinking. Jongin can't help but feel like Kyungsoo looks like he truly belongs here though. With him.
Out of all the questions swimming in his head, Jongin doesn't expect himself to blurt out, "How'd you get here?"
Kyungsoo looks up at him, an amused smile playing on his lips as he replies, "Taxi cab! Duuuuuh~" He slurs the last word and Jongin winces.
"Why are you here?"
"Because I wanted to see Jonginnie! I wanted to see my friend! We're friends, aren't we, Jongin-ah? That's what you told Yeollie in the supermarket." The older boy's lower lip juts out in a pout on the last word.
No, they're not but Jongin nods because drunk Kyungsoo is whiny Kyungsoo. "Yeah, we're friends." A lump in his throat but Jongin swallows and wills himself to be strong.
He sits beside the smaller boy, careful to put a considerable amount of distance between the two of them. "It's past midnight and you're drunk. You should've called either Jongdae-hyung or Junmyeon-hyung." Jongin furrows his eyebrows because the older boy should've known better, even in his inebriated state. "You're lucky the driver didn't bring you to an abandoned warehouse, tied you up, and held you for ransom."
Kyungsoo shrieks with exaggerated laughter, slapping his thighs and then punching Jongin on the shoulder. It doesn't hurt a bit but Kyungsoo's strength has always been like a kitten's. He just likes to hit people for fun.
"Jongin-ah, you're so funny! You weren't funny before! Remember, I never laughed at your jokes!" Kyungsoo continues to end all his sentences with exclamation points, the alcohol in his system turning him into a hyperactive overgrown child.
Jongin's about to grumble a reply when he suddenly has his arms full of Kyungsoo, the latter climbing onto his lap and burying his face against the crook of Jongin's neck. Jongin tries to pry him off but Kyungsoo clings on firmly and Jongin knows, Jongin knows that this is wrong and Kyungsoo probably won't remember any of this in the morning but Jongin will and it hurts that he wants so much more than what Kyungsoo can give him when he's sober.
Jongin lets his arms fall on the sofa while Kyungsoo squirms away from Jongin's shoulder and decides to plant his head on the younger boy's chest instead. Jongin wonders if Kyungsoo can feel and hear how fast his heart is beating at the moment.
"Hyung, you're drunk," Jongin says weakly after a moment of uncomfortable silence on his part.
There's another beat of silence before Kyungsoo speaks up. "You never called me hyung before." The response is uttered in hushed tones and he can hear the pout in the older boy's voice, a stark contrast to the way Kyungsoo was acting a few minutes ago. It makes Jongin's stomach clench and he wonders what he did wrong to deserve something like this -- when Kyungsoo's on his lap and so vulnerable, so easy to love again, but also so drunk out of his mind.
Kyungsoo looks up at him and Jongin feels so small, like a tiny speck in the universe undeserving of anything coming from the boy who's looking at him like he's his entire world.
"Jongin-ah, I'm sorry. I don't want to be friends."
The sentence strikes through Jongin like an arrow piercing his chest but before he can ask the older boy about what he meant, Kyungsoo falls back on his shoulder and he hears soft snoring.
Jongin starts threading his fingers through Kyungsoo's hair, an old habit of theirs, and he glances at the clock only to see that it's already nearing 1 a.m.
Jongin has a test tomorrow in Anthropology but he realizes that the boy in his arms is much more important.
Jongin wakes up and his back is aching but of course it does because the same moment he feels the pain go to his brain, he also remembers that he spent the night sleeping on the couch with a 21-year old on his lap. But said 21-year old is currently nowhere to be found.
He spies the forgotten Anthropology textbook lying forlornly on his coffee table and he mutters "Shit" under his breath before he drags panicked eyes over to the wall clock. He heaves a sigh of relief. More than two hours before his first class. He'll manage.
He stands up to stretch and he can smell breakfast cooking. He pads over to the kitchen on socked feet and he finds Kyungsoo by the stove flipping pancakes. There are two steaming mugs of coffee beside two plates on the table.
Kyungsoo notices his presence and he doesn't greet Jongin a good morning. He just smiles and focuses his attention back to cooking.
"Your head --"
"I'm okay," Kyungsoo replies, eyes never leaving the frying pan. "I took some aspirin from your medicine cabinet and I'll be much better after I've drank some coffee. I started making breakfast by the way. I hope you don't mind."
"I don't mind. I should thank you for that actually."
Kyungsoo just hums and Jongin takes a seat, knowing that Kyungsoo doesn't like being disturbed whenever he's cooking. The silence hangs over them but it's not like a raincloud, it's almost bearable, just gray skies not strong enough to hurt, not strong enough to wreak havoc and cause unwanted misery. Of course, when Kyungsoo sits down on the chair opposite him, Jongin decides to ruin the peaceful thrum by opening his mouth and his timing is really fucking brilliant, he deserves all the awards.
"Hyung, we need to talk."
Kyungsoo begins slicing his pancakes, dividing them into little pieces and his eyes never leave his plate. He looks eerily calm and Jongin's frustrated because he doesn't know what this is all about, where this is all going, what's going to happen to the both of them. He's frustrated and he feels like tearing his hair out at the sight of Kyungsoo in his kitchen, like all those months ago (more than 25 months but Jongin's stopped counting the days, it's not like it really matters), all the same yet so different and just so fucking frustrating it's enough to drive Jongin nuts.
There's a knife on the table but Jongin doesn't need that to cut his heart out open for the older boy to see what's in it.
Before he can stop himself, he blurts out, "These past two years, I have been trying to forget the things you did and said to me and I think somewhere along the way, I succeeded. But despite that, I'm still on the losing end because not once did I forget about the way you made me feel. And fucking shit, Kyungsoo, it felt incredibly amazing -- being with you. But it also hurt like hell when you left and I don't want to go through that again." He finishes and he's out of breath and out of his mind but it had to be said, it had to be done.
Jongin doesn't really expect a reply but anything, literally anything -- even a rejection or an affirmation that he's right, they can't learn to love each other again -- is better than the silence that's currently shrouding the both of them in an uncomfortable embrace.
"Hyung."
The seconds continue to tick by on the wall clock. He wants to reach out and to hold Kyungsoo but everything is a touch too delicate or a touch too hard on the knees and Jongin's not sure if the bruises have healed enough to withstand the pain of a love that never came easy.
"Hyung."
"Stop calling me that," Kyungsoo snaps, finally looking up, a flicker of anger in his eyes matching the fire in his voice.
Jongin visibly deflates and it's his turn to look down. Maybe he read this wrong all along. He clears his throat. "Last night ... last night, you said you didn't want to be friends."
Kyungsoo's eyes soften at the fidgeting younger boy in front of him. "Jongin..." He picks up his glass and takes a sip of water. "I always mean the things I say when I'm drunk."
"I know."
"And you also know I just end up regretting them the morning after."
A pause. Painful for Jongin, contemplative for Kyungsoo.
Of course, of course he did.
"But not this one." The words are soft, coming from the older boy's mouth but they're also firm in a way that he means them. "I don't want to be friends. I want more. More of you, more of us, more of what we had before I ruined it." His eyes start to glisten and Jongin's heart swells. Kyungsoo doesn't cry easily. "And I'm fucking sorry for hurting you. I really am. I honestly thought that we were better off without each other but that may have been my biggest mistake because I ended up miserable. And maybe I'm being the most selfish asshole in the planet but I want more of Kyungsoo and Jongin. Again."
Jongin looks up and he sees something in Kyungsoo's eyes -- yet again a mixture of heartbreak and exhaustion but it's different from the look he had two years ago. While that one had looked like the end, this one had fear mixed in and maybe, if Jongin wasn't deluding himself, a little spark of hope.
But what about Jongin? Is this what he wants as well? Is he really sure that he wants to go down this road again? He is afraid of pain, afraid of getting hurt, but he can't deny to himself that what he's most afraid of is losing Kyungsoo again especially when the older is looking at him with eyes that speak volumes of fear and uncertainty as well. Kyungsoo had been his first kiss, first love, first real heartbreak. And naive as he was, he had been completely dead-set on making Kyungsoo his last.
Kyungsoo bites down on his upper lip, eyebrows knitted and Jongin's heart trembles a little. The older boy opens his mouth to say something but Jongin beats him to it.
"Wecan," the two words sound rushed in his haste so he clears his throat and starts over. "We can try." He swallows and he wonders if Kyungsoo can sense how nervous and uncertain he is at the moment. "I want it too."
The words tumble out awkwardly and Jongin almost winces because he feels silly but Kyungsoo stops worrying his lip and a hint of a smile spreads a little, a bit of sunshine after the rain. Jongin's world is a drizzle but it also feels like it's on the brink of a typhoon because Kyungsoo's always been the mighty storm that he can't help but get caught up in.
Kyungsoo stays put but Jongin feels a firm tug and he falls again, harder this time and so very afraid but also ready to brave the unpredictable weather.
Because he knows that sunshine alone won't make the flowers grow. Everything needs a little bit of rain, even love. The world is always more beautiful when the skies are clear but Jongin wants to fall in love like the rain.
"So why do I have meet this Chan too tall guy again?"
Kyungsoo glares at him but Jongin doesn't really feel threatened because he's still taller than the older boy and whenever Kyungsoo looks offended, he just looks like a disgruntled kitten. "His name is Chanyeol," Kyungsoo snaps. "And we're meeting him in Minseok-hyung's coffee shop because he asked nicely and he's brought his boyfriend along with him. Plus, he's my roommate and I live with him. Be nice."
He swallows the words "Just move in with me" before he can let them out and wreak potential havoc because it's only been two weeks since they got back together and even though he feels like he's on top of the world again whenever Kyungsoo's in his arms and looking up at him with a smile that can light up the world, Jongin knows it's a little bit too early for those kinds of things. He's willing to take baby steps because he knows that the wait will be worth it. Kyungsoo's worth it. Kyungsoo will always be worth it.
Kyungsoo opens the glass door to the coffee shop and Jongin breathes in the familiar smell of coffee and cinnamon. This is how Minseok smells like most of the time too.
Speaking of Minseok, he's nowhere to be seen. There's a new guy behind the counter and when Jongin and Kyungsoo walk over to order, Jongin's surprised to see that the new guy looks familiar.
New Guy seems like he knows him too, judging by the way he has this glint in his eyes that's making Jongin uncomfortable.
"Hi, Luhan! How are you?" Kyungsoo asks cheerfully and Jongin's eyes widen. Kyungsoo knows him? And where did Jongin hear that name again? Luhan or Huhan or something.
Luhan or Huhan or something (ugh Jongin really needs to listen more carefully next time) hands them their change but even though his words are directed at Kyungsoo, he's looking at Jongin. "Oh, I'm fine. Who's your friend?"
Kyungsoo looks at the blonde-haired boy, then at Jongin, and he breaks out into a grin. "Oh, right! Silly me. Luhan, this is Jongin. Jongin, this is Luhan. He's Minseok-hyung's new barista," Kyungsoo lets out a fake cough. "And maybe even more than that."
Luhan scowls at Kyungsoo but then refocuses his attention on Jongin. "So this is the infamous Kim Jongin. Minseok's told me all about you." Luhan pauses and the glint in his eyes turn mischievous. "Did it kill ya?"
Jongin furrows his eyebrows. "Huh?"
"Tequila." Luhan smirks. "Did it te kill ya?"
That has got to be the worst joke ever but Jongin blushes and Luhan snickers and Kyungsoo just looks plain confused. Luhan has the decency to wave his hands and brush them off though, saying that he'll just call them over once their drinks are finished.
Of course. That Luhan (finally!) dude was the bartender from the club.
"What was that all about?" Kyungsoo nudges him but before Jongin can come up with an embarassing reply, his heart drops down to his stomach and he pales when they reach the table where Chanyeol and his boyfriend are sitting.
It's not because they're sitting at Kyungsoo's and Jongin's usual place, not because Chanyeol's sporting an unusually wide grin with his teeth so unusually white, and it's not even because Chanyeol has just dyed his hair a fiery red color that looks like the top of his head's on fire.
It's because sitting next to Chanyeol and looking just as flustered as Jongin is Byun Baekhyun.
"You owe me," Jongin grumbles into Kyungsoo's neck and Kyungsoo shivers a little bit at the feeling of Jongin's breath against his skin.
It's been a couple of hours since their little double date and although things have been sufficiently awkward after introductions were made and Baekhyun had confessed that they already knew each other (which inevitably led to them explaining the reason behind it), the uncomfortable feeling nestling within the little group eventually vanished as time passed by and Jongin was more than happy to see Baekhyun's smile again. It seems like Baekhyun really likes Chanyeol and it would take an idiot not to notice that the new redhead practically adores Baekhyun. Boy's whipped.
"Hey," Kyungsoo mutters weakly as Jongin begins planting kisses down his neck. "How was I supposed to know that my roommate's boyfriend is actually your ex? I didn't even know you dated someone else!"
Jongin stops kissing him just he was trailing butterfly kisses on Kyungsoo's collarbones and the older boy keeps in the whine that threatened to come out of his mouth at the loss of contact.
Jongin quirks an eyebrow. "As if you didn't?"
Kyungsoo looks up at him with an unreadable expression on his face, a little bit offended, a lot indignant, and huffs, "Well, I fooled around with Hyunsik and Dongwoon but I didn't get into any serious relationships since..." He trails off and there's a knowing smirk on Jongin's lips.
"Since?" Jongin teases.
"Oh, since you, you dickhead." Kyungsoo glares and punches Jongin on the shoulder.
"That didn't even hurt!" Jongin laughs out loud because it will never hurt, Kyungsoo's always had the strength of a kitten. He just likes to hit people for fun.
Kyungsoo glares some more because Jongin's still laughing and he's getting annoyed so he shuts him up with a kiss.
It's not perfect, what they have, and it will never be but that's okay. Kyungsoo has hurt him in all the ways a heart can bruise but it's not love if it doesn't hurt.
And really, Jongin's just happy because he finally has the song that he can dance to again. It's different now, of course. A lot has happened in two years and they are back to learning more things about each other and stumbling into moments that catch them off-guard.
But some things remain unchanged - like how Kyungsoo still smells like hazelnut and Jongin still uses the same citrus-scented bar of soap - because Kyungsoo's always had the voice Jongin can't help but lose his footing in and then regaining his balance somewhere along the way until a few fluttering of his arms transform into a beautiful work of art, the most amazing masterpiece of all, the one that dismantles and repairs itself when two people cannot deny that what they have for each other is real - love.