Original - Prologue

[umbrellaofdoom]

Title: Prologue
Fandom: Original
Rating: PG
Sumamry: A teaser for what I'm slowly beginning to work on: a (hopefully) novel length story about Ryouta and Shinya, the two from Of Sticky Fingers and Ice Cream Kisses

I'd love to hear what you think of this!

Comments

[tayles]

Typo picks first! Just a couple (I know, I'm a grammar-Nazi pain in the ass :/ Sorry)

blue, yellows
Think that should be a semi-colon rather than a comma, to break up the two images.

This wasn’t how it was suppose to be.
I see you do this a lot, so maybe it's an across-the-pond thing, but to me that should be 'supposed'. Ditto for the following time it's used.

What worse
What 'was' worse, presumably?

The second where their eyes connected, then quickly broke apart lasted forever.Something about this line doesn't sit right. I think the comma doesn't help. Maybe swap it for an 'and'? And maybe it should be 'when' instead of 'where'? I dunno

[umbrellaofdoom]

Yeah, I was thinking that with the colours but was way too tired to do another grammar edit. And I do that suppose/supposed and use/used thing a lot. It's wrong, and I'm trying to get it out of my system. It just looks wrong to me. XD

[tayles]

Ah~ I always wondered if it was a you-specific thing or one of those spellings from across the pond that I just don't get (like 'drug' instead of 'dragged'. It seems really common amongst American writers especially and everytime I read it in a fic I twitch :/). At least you know you're doing it XD I end up going back over my fics erasing all the apostrophes from possessive 'its' because my brain just puts them in without my permission :/

I am a natural grammar nazi - I edit as I type, which is helpful, but it means I HATE myself when I do come across ones I've missed XD;;; Which I do a lot when I'm as tired as I have been lately. Buu

Detail is good, as long as it's not constant Tolkein-esque detail (*dies*). It's good for scene setting, like here, but used to often and I get twitchy because I like using my own imagination, dammit. This level is just right for the scene.

My inbox sent your password details to spam, but I rescued it XD I look forward to reading more!

[subetehoshi]

Oh, I LIKE. A LOT.

I'm super-exhausted at this point in time, so I'm going to have to come back and read this again to comprehend the wonderfulness of it all fully, but I LIKE WHAT I READ.

I am a little confused as to what happened; but that could be because I am SO TIRED. And it IS a prologue afterall, I'm not supposed to get it right away, I guess. XD

But yes, *insert facebook LIKE here*

[umbrellaofdoom]

Yeah, it's suppose to be a little confusing. Just enough of a taste to let you know that [a] these two are friends [b] Shinya has done something and [c] Whatever it is, it's changed everything between them. So the first half of the book will be about leading up to this moment.

Everyone needs Facebook icons. :D