Arashi: Hung Up On Love
AUTHOR: Marineko/mylittlecthulhu
FANDOM: Arashi
PAIRING: Juntoshi, barely there Aimiya, (ex)Junba
RATING: PG
DATE: June 18th, 2011
WORD COUNT: 6,434
NOTES/DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Arashi. This is an AU fic. Contains mention of self-harm.
**This was written for the Japan Earthquake & Tsunami Relief Fund. Thank you, senshi_san for donating! :D
Hung Up On Love
1.
The place Jun works is a little unusual, even for a game store. It’s Nino that had found it first - his best friend had always had trouble with sleeping at night, and sometimes just takes walks in random streets. Nino would enter small, all-night diners and make friends with strangers, people he might never meet again, people he would never have had the chance to meet in his day to day life. He boasts to Jun that he’s met a famous enka singer once, and a comedy duo, but Jun doesn’t know whether to believe him; and even if it’s true, he doesn’t know if he particularly cares. But it was during one of these night-time prowls that Nino finds Aibaland, the tiny, claustrophobic designer game store that seems to only open at night.
Nino only plays console games, with the exception with one or two card games that he got interested in once, and the one online multi-player game that he’s been obsessed with forever. He never plays board games, thinking that they’re for kids and amateurs, but the games in Aibaland intrigued him. They were unique, one-of-a-kind, all designed by the same person. Nino’s convinced that the designer could make a fortune if they would venture into more popular forms of game play. But Sakurai-san, the manager of the store tells him that the designer likes board games, and does it mostly as a hobby.
Nino tells the manager that it’s a shame, and also that he has a friend who’s looking for a job.
Jun gets the job.
He isn’t too picky about where he works - beggars can’t be choosers, after all, and not many people wanted to hire someone who hadn’t gone to high school. But even a few years later, he still wonders why Nino had decided to ask Sakurai-san if the store was hiring.
2.
“Jun-kun, I like you.”
Jun is always honest with his expectations - that way, no one gets hurt.
When Satoshi first confessed to him, he had politely rejected the other man. It’s not that Satoshi isn’t attractive - he works in a kind of erotic theatre (not a strip club, Aiba would insist) and Jun had only watched his show the once, but he could swear that the man was pure sex. There really isn’t any concrete reason to say no, except for the fact that Jun has never been able to shake the feeling that Satoshi would only lead to heartbreak. Since he isn’t the kind of guy who likes to put his heart into things in the first place, rejecting Satoshi seems like the right thing to do.
Except that Satoshi’s stubborn. He would drop by every day after work, sometimes not even completely out of the ridiculous outfits he dances in, and he’d say the same thing.
I like you.
That day Sakurai-san is on the same shift, and the look the store manager gives him makes him wish he could disappear into a hole and never return. Instead, he pushes away embarrassment and holds on to his anger, pulling Satoshi out of the store.
“Will you stop coming in all the time? That’s my boss in there.”
Satoshi just looks at him blankly and says, as if he can’t help it, “I was only telling the truth.”
“Well, stop it.” Jun glances back at the store, and pulls Satoshi a bit to the side, so that Sakurai-san can’t see them from inside. “I’ve already told you that I can’t accept your feelings -“
“Jun-kun doesn’t reject anyone,” Satoshi cuts in. Jun breathes in quickly, like he’s been hit.
“What have you heard - no, it doesn’t matter,” he says quickly. “It’s true. But I’m rejecting you now, okay? I can’t give you what you want.”
Satoshi’s head tilts slightly in puzzlement. “You don’t even know what I want.”
Jun takes a moment to consider the determination in Satoshi’s eyes, and nods, saying, “Why don’t you tell me, then.”
That’s when Satoshi kisses him.
That’s when he knows that Satoshi has won, and that he has lost. He is lost.
3.
It takes two days of working at Aibaland for Jun to find out that it’s named for the designer of the games, Aiba Masaki. He’d spent the first two days at work following the only other staff, Toma, closely. Not that there really is much to do. He doesn’t know how the store could even afford to have more than one staff on hand on a single day, or why they would need an extra person in the first place. It isn’t as if it’s crawling with people in the middle of the night, which is its working hours, and it isn’t as if it’s even that big.
He’s grateful to have a job at all, and a job that allows him to sleep during the day in particular, so he doesn’t say his thoughts out loud.
On his third day, Toma has the day off, and Jun panics at the thought of being left to his own devices. But then Aiba had come along, cheerfully informing Jun that he created the games and that he’s there to help out if Jun needed it.
4.
“I’m not going to stop seeing other guys.” Jun speaks slowly and carefully, wanting Satoshi to understand that he means what he’s saying. “Just because I’m saying yes, it doesn’t mean we’re exclusive.”
He thinks that he’s got it - he expects Satoshi to be angry, or upset, and give up. Or, if Satoshi really likes him as much as he says he does, perhaps he’d even accept Jun’s proposition as is. Either way, it’s a problem solved.
Instead, Satoshi surprises Jun. He looks calculating as he asks, “does that go both ways?”
Jun frowns. “What do you mean?”
“If you can see other guys, does that mean that I could, too?”
He hadn’t expected that. But when he thinks about it, even though the idea brings a certain amount of discomfort, it does seem like a fair arrangement. “I suppose,” he says. “It’s only fair.”
“Okay, then.”
“…okay.”
Jun gets his way, but somehow he feels like he’s lost again.
5.
Nino drops by the store a lot, and before long, like Jun, he’s befriended both Aiba and Toma. He gets along particularly well with Aiba; they dive into their friendship so fast and so sudden that Jun feels jealous at times, although he can’t decide who he’s more jealous of. Nino seems to be really taken with Aiba’s games, and it doesn’t take long for him to suggest that the four of them spend any time they’re all free to have gaming sessions.
There’s still a lot Jun doesn’t understand about Aibaland - how they’ve survived for as long as they have, how Aiba had ended up running it with Sakurai-san’s help. Aiba shrugs when it comes to questions about money, but the fact that he calls Sakurai-san “Sho-chan” and the way he talks to Sakurai-san makes Jun think that it’s like with him and Nino.
Jun finds Aiba interesting, too, so when Aiba asks him out, he said yes.
6.
Only two weeks into their relationship and Jun feels like they’re already living together. Satoshi is almost always over at his place, and he never really minds. In fact, he doesn’t even notice that anything is out of the ordinary until Nino calls him.
“I don’t know,” he says. “I think I feel like staying in tonight.”
“You’ve become rather domesticated, haven’t you?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“It’s just that - ever since you’ve been seeing that Ohno guy, you haven’t had any time for hanging out. And I’ve never seen you devote so much time to just one person before. Toma says that you don’t even do overtimes anymore, and that that guy comes over to pick you up after work. It’s just not like you.”
Nino’s right, Jun realises. He’s given Satoshi too much of himself.
7.
A heart like an artichoke, Aiba had once said to him. That’s what he has - a leaf for everyone, a meal for no one.
He’d just broken up with yet another guy who had thought they could handle his inability to commit, and Aiba is there, looking at him with disappointment. Something unpleasant curls in Jun, and at that moment he wishes that he could make things right with Aiba - one of the few exes who’d ended up a good friend - but he knows that he couldn’t help who he is.
“They knew what they’re getting into,” he had says defensively. “I never lie.”
Aiba had responds with a shrug and a grin as he tells Jun that they ought to be out getting drunk. “I know just the place,” he says, “and maybe you’ll find someone new while you’re at it.”
Aiba takes Jun to the place where Satoshi works, that night, and Jun finds himself mesmerised. At one point he thinks their eyes meet, and he forgets to breathe long enough that he let out a small gasp. Aiba notices, and asked quietly, “want to meet him?”
Yes, he thinks. “No,” he says. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
8.
“Hey, Jun-kun.”
It should annoy him that Satoshi still calls him that, but somehow it feels right. He is just “Jun” or “MatsuJun” to his friends, and “Matsumoto” to everyone else, but he’s only “Jun-kun” to Satoshi. Not that he’d tell Satoshi about this; it would only be leading the other man on to think that what they had was special. Which it wasn’t, Jun reminds himself. That’s why he had gone out with Nino that night, instead of spending a quiet evening at home with Satoshi.
He hadn’t even told Satoshi that he was going out, and had another guy - whose name he can’t even recall now - with him when he had arrived home, to see Satoshi waiting at his front door. He had told the nameless guy to go home, but was cool towards Satoshi.
Satoshi’s eyes had widened with… something… when he’d seen Jun arrive with someone else, but then he had settled back into an expressionless face, and Jun had felt irrational discontent in Satoshi’s lack of response.
“What?” he asks now. Satoshi’s in the living room and he’s in the kitchen, pouring himself a mug of coffee.
“Why did you say no?”
He had said ‘no’ so many times that he doesn’t know what Satoshi’s talking about - refusing to be introduced, or all the rejections before he finally gave in. “You seem like someone who’d want too much,” he says. Satoshi seems like the kind of person who might make him want too much, he thinks.
He feels Satoshi coming closer, rather than hearing it. He makes sure that the mug in his hand is safely on the table before Satoshi touches him; a soft, almost touch, light as it traces down his arms. Satoshi fingers the sleeves at Jun’s wrist, before going back up to rest his hand on Jun’s arm.
“I wish that Jun-kun would stop doing this to himself,” Satoshi says, but his voice is too quiet, and Jun pretends not to hear.
Besides, he thinks, as he looks at the long sleeves that covers the thin white scars on his arms, he hasn’t been doing that to himself in a long time.
When Satoshi pulls him towards the bedroom, Jun lets him.
9.
Jun has never been in love, but he knows what love is. He had seen it in his mother’s eyes, manic, as she claims that some guy is “the one.” It lasts for a few weeks, or if she’s lucky, a few months. Then she starts to think that the guy must be keeping secrets from her, that he must be cheating on her, and it escalates to a point where she gets hysterical if he so much as leaves the house to buy cigarettes, and she checks his mail and his phone calls. They always end up leaving her, of course. Jun hates when this happens because she’d be in bed for days or weeks and he’d have to skip school to take on part-time jobs to make sure they could pay the rent, and he’d have to rush home all the time because she keeps threatening to kill herself, and he never knows when it might be true.
To be in love, he learns, is a terrible thing to happen to a person.
10.
“Three weeks,” Aiba announces as he sits next to Jun. He looks proud, like the fact that Jun has lasted with someone that long is his own personal achievement.
Jun gives him a dirty look and says testily, “It’s not like I break up with people for sport, you know. It’s just that he hasn’t given me any grief about my life or tried to change me in any way… so far.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Aiba waves away his argument as if it means nothing to him, which is probably true. “I heard from Kazu-chan that you’ve been house broken.”
“Nino,” Jun declares, “is a dead man. And it’s nothing of the sort; in fact, I’m seeing someone tonight. Someone who isn’t Ohno,” he adds, clearing things up for Aiba. He’s careful not to call Satoshi by name around others; he doesn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.
Aiba looks upset by the news. “Jun,” he says. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Oh-chan -”
“Ohno understands,” Jun interrupts. “He knew what he was getting into with me, Aiba. Just like everyone else.” He looks at Aiba pointedly, and Aiba looks away.
Aiba, too, had once agreed to a non-exclusive relationship. And, like everyone else before him, it hadn’t worked out in the end.
“Oh-chan’s like a brother to me,” Aiba says. “Be careful with him?”
“I’m always careful,” Jun replies. “You know that.”
“Then - don’t be careful,” Aiba says, amending his words, but Jun pays him no heed.
11.
When Jun returns from the washroom, he sees Aiba talking with the man from the show. They are laughing, and seemed like they’ve known each other before, and Jun immediately understands. Aiba had brought him there to meet this man.
Resigned, he takes his time walking towards them. He wants to be angry with Aiba, but it’s impossible. Jun had learned within the first week of knowing Aiba that it is impossible to get mad at him. He could try, but then he looks at Aiba and has to fight a grin. It must be some kind of special gift that Aiba has.
So now he isn’t mad as he goes over to meet the two. When Aiba introduces him to the man, whose name is Ohno, Jun’s smile is distant and polite. He asks how they knew each other; they speak at the same time and their answers don’t match.
12.
“We are so not going to the aquarium.”
“Why not?” Satoshi looks confused, like he really can’t figure out why Jun would be so vehement about it.
“Because.” Jun doesn’t really know how to say it without sounding foolish. “I know what you get like when it comes to fish. Aiba told me.”
“I went to that thing with you the other day.”
“That thing,” Jun says, “is a gaming session with our friends, and you came because Aiba asked you to. And, as I recall, you seemed to get along really well with Nino.” Jun doesn’t know why this irks him, but it does. Nino seems friendly, and he is, but he doesn’t really take to people easily. Jun had been surprised by how easily Nino had insinuated himself into a friendship with both Aiba and Toma, and how he and Satoshi had immediately gotten along.
“I like Nino,” Satoshi agrees. He’s still looking at the aquarium, but now with a somewhat dreamy expression on his face. “He’s nice.”
“Yeah? Then you should’ve brought him here instead.” Jun’s tone is sharp and annoyed. “You can call him up now; I bet he’d go to the aquarium with you.”
He doesn’t know why he lets Satoshi choose where to go when they go out - the last time Satoshi had taken him to a restaurant where his friend works, and had spent the whole time talking to his friend instead.
Remembering it only makes him more irritated. He contemplates telling Satoshi that he wants to leave, when Satoshi’s hand takes his, and it’s his turn to look confused.
“Come on,” Satoshi tells him. “It’ll be fun.”
Whatever he’s about to say leaves his mind as he freezes for a brief second, before feeling the warmth rushing in. He only manages a sort of sound that Satoshi interprets as an agreement, and anyway, they’re already walking towards the aquarium.
13.
Jun’s surprised to find Ohno entering Aibaland when his shift starts. “Aiba’s not working today,” he says, but Ohno doesn’t look like he’s put off or disappointed.
“Actually,” the man tells him, “I’m here to see you.”
His guard goes up even before Ohno tells him that they’ve met before, sort of. Ohno had noticed him at his last job at the bakery; he had loved that job, but had been let go when the place closed down. Apparently Ohno, although not a frequent customer, passes by the bakery a lot, and had been interested in him. “In a vague, not-something-I’d-pursue kind of way,” Ohno clarifies, but he hadn’t been able to forget about Jun when the bakery closed, and had found himself wishing that they had at least talked - Jun not looking up as he rings up Ohno’s purchases and saying “thank you, come again” didn’t count. Then Aiba had brought Jun to watch his show, and it seems like fate.
Jun is amused by this; he can’t help it. Ohno’s talking as if they’re already halfway in love with each other.
Ohno’s serious, though, and asks Jun out. Jun says no.
Later, he tells Nino about it. “It sounds so far-fetched,” he says. “I can’t believe Aiba knows a guy like that.”
“Aiba knows everybody,” Nino says, and Jun realises that this is true. Whenever they’re on the same shift Aiba always attends all the customers and know them by name, and even if they’re hanging out after work, and when they used to date, they were always stumbling upon Aiba’s friends or acquaintances. It really does seem like Aiba knows everybody.
Still, he wonders where and how Aiba would have met someone like Ohno.
14.
His date is nice and interesting and is the sort of good looking that makes everyone look their way wherever they go, but for some reason Jun feels like he isn’t getting into it. He keeps glancing at his watch while trying not to look like he is, and even as he enjoys the conversation he sometimes fall silent. Not because he doesn’t have anything to say, but because he doesn’t feel like talking at all.
“-but that’s the catch, isn’t it?” his date is saying. “They say one thing but do something else entirely. It’s like in that manga…”
Jun glances out the window, and catches his breath. He isn’t sure, but he thinks he sees a glimpse of Satoshi walking into the building opposite the restaurant, which leads to a karaoke place. He seems to be with someone else; he was already disappearing into the building when Jun had seen them, but he distinctly saw Satoshi’s hand on the small of someone’s back.
Is it a girl? A guy? Does it matter? It shouldn’t, he supposes; he’s on a date with someone else too.
He looks at the half-eaten food on his plate and thinks of how he hadn’t tasted any of it, despite his date exclaiming on how delicious the food had been. He had said that he couldn’t possibly eat any more, but the truth is he isn’t really full. He had been feeling empty all day, like it doesn’t matter how good things are going with his date - he still feels like something is missing.
He doesn’t like where his thoughts are taking him, so when his date asks him what’s wrong, he says that he doesn’t feel well, apologises, and goes home.
15.
The first time Aiba sees Jun’s scars, he just gives Jun a sad look, and holds Jun as if the scars are new, and Jun’s still the kid that had once drew blood, not to hurt himself, but because it offers a kind of relief that he hasn’t been able to find anywhere else. Jun tries to explain to Aiba that he isn’t that kid anymore, but Aiba’s too upset to listen.
In the end, that’s the real reason they break up - not because Aiba demands to have Jun all to himself, but because Jun realises that Aiba really cares, and he would rather have someone like that in his life without the complications that a romantic involvement would bring. He doesn’t want neediness and desperation and lies and secrets with Aiba. He just wants Aiba’s company.
16.
Jun is staring at his bare arms. He wonders if the scars make him less attractive, if they have ever scared or bothered Satoshi, the way it had with some of his exes. He had thought that Satoshi would be bothered by the fact that they were both allowed to see other people, but from the looks of it, it seems that Satoshi enjoys their current arrangement. He doesn’t know what he thinks of that. He wonders about the other person Satoshi is seeing, if they’re nicer to Satoshi than he is, if they’re the kind who would deserve being liked by someone like Satoshi - even if they were, just a little, then they’d still be more deserving than him. He had rejected Satoshi more times than he could count, and even now that they’re together, he knows perfectly well that he’s too cold towards Satoshi sometimes.
When he hears keys jangling and the door to the apartment open, he doesn’t turn. He doesn’t trust himself to look as casual as he sounds when he asks Satoshi about his evening. Satoshi sounds happy, saying that he’s had a great time.
“That’s good.” Jun knows that he doesn’t sound enthusiastic at all, but he doubts that Satoshi cares or notices. He pulls his sleeves back down to cover his arms before turning. “Have you had dinner? Do you want me to make something?”
“That’s alright.” Satoshi had gone to the new pizzeria that Jun had wanted to try. “It’s good; we’ll have to go together sometime.”
The image of Satoshi having dinner there with his date flashes in his mind, and Jun stands up, saying sharply that he isn’t interested.
“Jun-kun.”
“What?”
“Are you alright?”
“Why are you asking me that?”
“Because you seem angry and upset.”
“Well, I’m not.” He takes the jacket that’s hanging from the hook near the front door, and shrugs it on. “I’m going out.”
“Stay.”
“I don’t take orders -” Jun starts, but one look at Satoshi puts a hand on his arm and shakes his head.
“Stay. I’ll go.”
“But -” he doesn’t get to finish before Satoshi is out of the door. He stands where he is for a few moments before slowly taking off his jacket, and hanging it back on the hook.
17.
“Wait, let me get this straight,” Aiba says. He looks amused, which Jun doesn’t expect - he’s so used to people getting angry at him, throwing accusatory remarks and saying that he’d regret it one day. “You want to break up, because you like me too much?”
“I like our friendship,” Jun explains. “I don’t want to complicate that.” He looks worried. “We can be friends, can’t we?”
Aiba takes his time thinking it over. The longer Aiba’s silence lasts the more tense Jun gets. He wonders if he’s doing the wrong thing, if he’s wrong in thinking that they make better friends. He doesn’t really believe that he’s wrong, but Aiba might think so, and that would spoil any chance of keeping their friendship. “I don’t know,” Aiba says seriously at first, before ruining the effect with a goofy smile. “Actually, I think I get what you mean. Maybe it’s for the best?” Aiba laughs when Jun just looks surprised. “What, did you think that I’ll cry and rail at you? Did you want me to do that? Because I can, if you want…”
“Shut up,” Jun says, but he laughs too, out of relief more than anything else. But then he quietens and asks, “are you sure you’re okay with this?”
“Yeah,” Aiba replies. “I’m fine. I figured that this was coming sooner or later anyway, when you went on your ‘we’re not exclusive’ thing. ‘Cause, you know, one day I might get serious, and then there’d be trouble.” He sounds completely casual, like it doesn’t bother him at all, but it still makes Jun uncomfortable. Jun looks away, and doesn’t respond. “But, you know, JunJun?” Jun turns back to Aiba, who’s looking at him thoughtfully. “One day you’re going to want more from someone, and then what would you do?”
“That’s unlikely to happen,” Jun says drily, picking up his fork to stab at a cherry tomato.
“I hope it does, though,” Aiba says. Jun looks at him, trying to determine why Aiba would say something like that. “Because I do want you to be happy.”
“But I am. Happy, I mean. All I need are you and Nino.” This earns him one of Aiba’s beaming smiles, and he can’t help but smile in return.
“You forgot Toma and Sho-chan.”
“And Toma and Sakurai-san.”
“You should start calling Sho-chan by name already,” Aiba complains, but he lets it go and starts attacking his own plate of food.
It’s only when they’re leaving that Aiba says, “hey, Jun?”
“What?”
“If you’re ever unhappy about anything, you can talk to me first, okay? I’ll always be there,” Aiba says earnestly, and Jun knows that the other man is thinking about his scars. He also knows that no amount of reassurance is going to make Aiba think that the past is the past, so Jun just takes Aiba’s hand and thanks him.
18.
It’s late, and he knows that Aiba would be working at the store that day, so that’s where Jun heads to. Aiba’s supposed to be on the same shift with Toma, but Jun knows that Toma’s down with a cold, which leaves Aiba by himself. And they never really have customers at this time, so he’d be able to talk with Aiba.
When he reaches the entrance to Aibaland, though, Jun stops short. Aiba isn’t alone; there is someone else there, and that person is standing really close to Aiba. At first Jun thinks it’s Sakurai-san because he’s always been somewhat suspicious of their relationship, but the build of the other man is definitely different, even if equally familiar.
Nino.
At first Jun rationalises it in his head, thinking Aiba might have gotten something stuck in his hair and needs help getting it out (it actually has happened before, when his hair had been longer than it is now) but then he thinks the angle is wrong and Nino’s lips doesn’t have to be on Aiba’s in that case, and that’s when his mind goes blank.
He coughs, and the two spring apart so quickly that Jun almost thinks that he’s been imagining things. Aiba looks embarrassed, while Nino’s face is caught between expressions of guilt and amusement.
“Sorry,” he says. “For interrupting. I didn’t know that… I just… I’ll talk to you later, I guess.”
He leaves.
19.
It doesn’t take long for Jun to notice that he lets Satoshi gets his way more often than not. He thinks that it’s worrying at first, but every time he tells himself it’s the last time he gives in to Satoshi, something else happens, and after awhile he’s stopped trying. It isn’t as if he really minds it, most of the time. Satoshi always makes it worth it, in the end.
20.
“Jun!”
He stops, a few steps away from the station. Nino’s running towards him. He lets Nino catch up, and waits while Nino catches his breath.
“About me and Aiba,” Nino starts.
“It’s none of my business, is it?” Jun says quickly. He needs time to compute it first; he doesn’t want to talk about it yet.
Nino gives him a look that says that he knows exactly what Jun is thinking, but he doesn’t say anything, and nods once. “About Ohno, then.”
“And that’s none of your business.”
“Do you realise that besides Aiba, Ohno is the only one of your guys that I’ve met? I think that means something, don’t you?”
21.
Jun watches Satoshi’s sleeping form on the sofa. He had wanted to go to an all-night izakaya that Nino had recently discovered, but Satoshi had wanted a quiet night in. It isn’t really very often that their off days matched, so Jun had given in. He could always go to the izakaya with Nino some other time, he tells himself.
Satoshi had fallen asleep almost right after dinner. Jun contemplates letting Satoshi sleep and calling Nino; his best friend is bound to be awake and ready to go out despite the time. Instead, he switches on the television, lowering the volume so that it’s just a comforting murmur in the background, and takes out the book he had borrowed from Sakurai-san the previous week, and have yet to start reading.
Jun sits on the edge of the sofa, pushing away Satoshi’s feet. He reads, but the book is a lot drier than he had thought it would be, and before he reaches the second chapter he, too, falls asleep.
He wakes before dawn with a headache, a backache, and a crick in his neck. The book is on the end table next to him, although he doesn’t remember setting it down before falling asleep. Satoshi’s head is on his lap; he had probably awakened sometime during the night and changed to a more comfortable position.
It never occurs to Jun that it’s unusual for him to spend the night with a lover when there’s no sex involved. It never occurs to him to move away, to go to the bedroom where it’s more comfortable, as his fingers runs through Satoshi’s hair, and he closes his eyes, letting slumber take him once more.
22.
Things are getting too… confusing, Jun thinks. Perhaps because they’ve been together longer than he had with anyone else. Perhaps because it’s Satoshi, and he had known that Satoshi was going to be a bad idea from the start.
He avoids Satoshi for the rest of the week, and the next. He ignores the calls and the e-mails, and he works more shifts than he’s supposed to. He sleeps over at Toma’s, although he made Toma swear not to tell anyone about it, even Aiba or Nino. By the second week, Satoshi comes looking for him at Aibaland.
Aiba’s working with Jun that day, and he isn’t helpful at all; he clears off almost as soon as Satoshi arrives.
“Traitor,” Jun mutters at Aiba’s retreating back.
Satoshi waits until Aiba’s completely gone before he speaks.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
Jun shrugs and looks at Satoshi as if to say, so, what are you going to do about it?
“Do you - ” Satoshi’s pause is deliberate, as his gaze on Jun sharpens. “Do you want to break up?”
Jun feels something clench in him, even though it isn’t as if what Satoshi’s saying is completely unexpected. “If that’s what you want,” he says offhandedly.
“I’m asking if it’s what you want.” Satoshi’s voice is hard, like he’s angry but trying to rein it in. “Ever since we met, I’ve been trying to do things the way you want, but it’s never enough.”
“What are you talking about?” Jun wonders if Satoshi’s confusing him with the other person he’s seeing. “Isn’t it the other way around?”
“You said you wanted to see other people,” Satoshi says. “I gave you that. I don’t care if I have to share you, if I get to have some of your time all to myself.”
“You say that, but you were seeing other people, too.”
“That’s because Aiba said -” Satoshi stops, like he’s about to say something he isn’t supposed to.
Jun’s eyes narrow dangerously. “What did Aiba say?”
“He said that if it seemed like I cared too much, I’d scare you away.”
Jun’s stunned by Satoshi’s admission. Aiba thought that? “He said that?”
“He - never mind. It doesn’t matter,” Satoshi says. “I’ll leave, if that’s what you want.”
23.
A heart like an artichoke, Aiba had once said. But what Aiba knows, and doesn’t say, is that Jun devotes himself to people more than most. He just refuses to accept anything in return. He gives so much of himself away that he has none left for himself.
“You have to be careful with Jun,” he tells Ohno. “He thinks he’s being careful with his heart, but really he keeps falling so completely, and it hurts him every time. But he always runs when it seems like the other person cares too much, so you’ll have to play by his rules.”
24.
A few weeks pass without Satoshi, and nothing much has changed. Or perhaps everything has changed. Jun doesn’t get mad at Aiba, because he still finds it impossible to do. But he stops going to their game nights, because he knows that Aiba always invites Satoshi now. He still hangs out with Nino, but they don’t go to the same places they used to - he just doesn’t feel like it anymore (besides, Aiba would kill Nino).
He misses Satoshi.
This much isn’t a big revelation; he had known from the dull ache in his chest when Satoshi had left that he’d miss him. But what surprises him are the things he misses - the ordinary, quiet moments when they’re together at his place, doing nothing in particular. The way Satoshi laughs. The way Satoshi spaces out, or says strange things that make Jun wonder if he really is the same person as the one in all those shows. The way he seems to know Jun’s moods without Jun having to say anything, and the way he always manages to placate him. The way he never quits.
He doesn’t tell anyone, but he suspects that Nino knows. On nights when he isn’t working he’d watch Satoshi perform, but he leaves early, so that he wouldn’t be seen. But one night he goes and Satoshi’s role is being played by someone else, so he leaves as soon as he realises. When he steps out of the theatre, he hears Satoshi’s voice.
“You’re not staying for the rest of the show?”
Jun hesitates, but answers truthfully. “It’s not the show that I came to see.”
They stand side by side in the narrow street, silent. Satoshi takes his time before speaking. “Nino told me about your mother.”
25.
Jun’s mother died when he’s sixteen. He’s already decided not to go to high school, since he needed to work full time in order to support them - it’s kind of funny, in a way that’s not funny at all, that after all the times she’s been threatening suicide, she falls ill. She doesn’t even put up much of a fight.
Nino’s family takes him in, and encourages him to go back to school. But between the debt he lands himself in from the hospital bills and the funeral, which he refuses to let the Ninomiyas worry about - they’ve already done so much for him - he continues working. But work gets harder and harder to come by as time went, and he keeps getting replaced with people who were younger or had paper qualifications, until Nino gets him a job at Aibaland.
26.
“Nino has a big mouth,” Jun remarks. He thinks he hears Satoshi let out something that sounds between a snort and a laugh, but it’s muffled, so he isn’t sure.
“Why are you here?”
“Aiba’s wrong, you know,” Jun says, ignoring Satoshi’s question. “Or maybe he’s only half-right. I didn’t stay away from you because you cared too much. I did it because I cared too much. You were different, somehow, and I didn’t know how to - no, I didn’t want to handle that.”
“And now?”
“Maybe I’m wrong, too. Maybe, if only I hadn’t gone and ruined everything, we would’ve done okay.”
“You haven’t ruined everything.” Satoshi voice is closer, and Jun could feel the warmth from how close they’re standing to each other. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”
Jun thinks of a hundred things he could say. More than a hundred. Funny things, sharp things, and even pretty things that might make Satoshi’s heart race as much as how his is doing. But when he opens his mouth, all that comes out is, “always?”
He feels Satoshi’s hand over his. “Always,” Satoshi says, solemnly. “Because I like Jun-kun.”
“I like Satoshi, too.” Jun says this with a playful grin, imitating the simple way Satoshi had spoken.
“Good.” Satoshi pauses again, before asking, “Does this mean I can kiss you now?”
Jun laughs.
27.
Love, Jun thinks, doesn’t have to be complicated. He had thought that love is dangerous, the way it affected his mother, the way she used to get drunk and addicted to it to the point where it’s never enough. But perhaps she had been wrong. Perhaps it didn’t have to be about neediness and desperation and lies and secrets. Perhaps it hadn’t been about grand gestures or knowing absolutely everything or winning or losing or worrying about which of them has the upper hand over the other. Perhaps it really is just all of the ordinary things, and the way that being with the right person make them seem like they’re anything but. Perhaps it’s really just about finding the person that makes him laugh, the person whose very presence makes him feel a little warmer inside.
When, a year since they first got together, Jun tells Satoshi that he loves him, Satoshi doesn’t jump for joy or show much of a reaction to it. Satoshi nods as if he’s been expecting it, and while Jun wonders how Satoshi seems to know him better than he knows himself, Satoshi gives him an encore, repeating the words he had said.
Perhaps it had always been that simple.
~ the end ~
Marineko's Notes:
1. To senshi_san, I know this doesn't really follow your prompt. Sorry about that! (T_T) I've done dozens of one-shots, literally, and all of them ended up not really fulfilling the prompt. I really hope that you enjoyed this anyway~
2. To everyone, I've been MIA for two months. Sorry about that. I had been writing and re-writing various fics that didn't quite end up the way I wanted, and then giving up and working on other stuff first, and when I got to a point where I have quite a lot done, my computer crashed and I lost everything. The prospect of re-writing everything demotivated me so much, I needed time to get over it. *sighs* I'm starting back from scratch now.
3. Also thanks to arashic0804 for reading it through first :D
FANDOM: Arashi
PAIRING: Juntoshi, barely there Aimiya, (ex)Junba
RATING: PG
DATE: June 18th, 2011
WORD COUNT: 6,434
NOTES/DISCLAIMERS: I do not own Arashi. This is an AU fic. Contains mention of self-harm.
**This was written for the Japan Earthquake & Tsunami Relief Fund. Thank you, senshi_san for donating! :D
Hung Up On Love
1.
The place Jun works is a little unusual, even for a game store. It’s Nino that had found it first - his best friend had always had trouble with sleeping at night, and sometimes just takes walks in random streets. Nino would enter small, all-night diners and make friends with strangers, people he might never meet again, people he would never have had the chance to meet in his day to day life. He boasts to Jun that he’s met a famous enka singer once, and a comedy duo, but Jun doesn’t know whether to believe him; and even if it’s true, he doesn’t know if he particularly cares. But it was during one of these night-time prowls that Nino finds Aibaland, the tiny, claustrophobic designer game store that seems to only open at night.
Nino only plays console games, with the exception with one or two card games that he got interested in once, and the one online multi-player game that he’s been obsessed with forever. He never plays board games, thinking that they’re for kids and amateurs, but the games in Aibaland intrigued him. They were unique, one-of-a-kind, all designed by the same person. Nino’s convinced that the designer could make a fortune if they would venture into more popular forms of game play. But Sakurai-san, the manager of the store tells him that the designer likes board games, and does it mostly as a hobby.
Nino tells the manager that it’s a shame, and also that he has a friend who’s looking for a job.
Jun gets the job.
He isn’t too picky about where he works - beggars can’t be choosers, after all, and not many people wanted to hire someone who hadn’t gone to high school. But even a few years later, he still wonders why Nino had decided to ask Sakurai-san if the store was hiring.
2.
“Jun-kun, I like you.”
Jun is always honest with his expectations - that way, no one gets hurt.
When Satoshi first confessed to him, he had politely rejected the other man. It’s not that Satoshi isn’t attractive - he works in a kind of erotic theatre (not a strip club, Aiba would insist) and Jun had only watched his show the once, but he could swear that the man was pure sex. There really isn’t any concrete reason to say no, except for the fact that Jun has never been able to shake the feeling that Satoshi would only lead to heartbreak. Since he isn’t the kind of guy who likes to put his heart into things in the first place, rejecting Satoshi seems like the right thing to do.
Except that Satoshi’s stubborn. He would drop by every day after work, sometimes not even completely out of the ridiculous outfits he dances in, and he’d say the same thing.
I like you.
That day Sakurai-san is on the same shift, and the look the store manager gives him makes him wish he could disappear into a hole and never return. Instead, he pushes away embarrassment and holds on to his anger, pulling Satoshi out of the store.
“Will you stop coming in all the time? That’s my boss in there.”
Satoshi just looks at him blankly and says, as if he can’t help it, “I was only telling the truth.”
“Well, stop it.” Jun glances back at the store, and pulls Satoshi a bit to the side, so that Sakurai-san can’t see them from inside. “I’ve already told you that I can’t accept your feelings -“
“Jun-kun doesn’t reject anyone,” Satoshi cuts in. Jun breathes in quickly, like he’s been hit.
“What have you heard - no, it doesn’t matter,” he says quickly. “It’s true. But I’m rejecting you now, okay? I can’t give you what you want.”
Satoshi’s head tilts slightly in puzzlement. “You don’t even know what I want.”
Jun takes a moment to consider the determination in Satoshi’s eyes, and nods, saying, “Why don’t you tell me, then.”
That’s when Satoshi kisses him.
That’s when he knows that Satoshi has won, and that he has lost. He is lost.
3.
It takes two days of working at Aibaland for Jun to find out that it’s named for the designer of the games, Aiba Masaki. He’d spent the first two days at work following the only other staff, Toma, closely. Not that there really is much to do. He doesn’t know how the store could even afford to have more than one staff on hand on a single day, or why they would need an extra person in the first place. It isn’t as if it’s crawling with people in the middle of the night, which is its working hours, and it isn’t as if it’s even that big.
He’s grateful to have a job at all, and a job that allows him to sleep during the day in particular, so he doesn’t say his thoughts out loud.
On his third day, Toma has the day off, and Jun panics at the thought of being left to his own devices. But then Aiba had come along, cheerfully informing Jun that he created the games and that he’s there to help out if Jun needed it.
4.
“I’m not going to stop seeing other guys.” Jun speaks slowly and carefully, wanting Satoshi to understand that he means what he’s saying. “Just because I’m saying yes, it doesn’t mean we’re exclusive.”
He thinks that he’s got it - he expects Satoshi to be angry, or upset, and give up. Or, if Satoshi really likes him as much as he says he does, perhaps he’d even accept Jun’s proposition as is. Either way, it’s a problem solved.
Instead, Satoshi surprises Jun. He looks calculating as he asks, “does that go both ways?”
Jun frowns. “What do you mean?”
“If you can see other guys, does that mean that I could, too?”
He hadn’t expected that. But when he thinks about it, even though the idea brings a certain amount of discomfort, it does seem like a fair arrangement. “I suppose,” he says. “It’s only fair.”
“Okay, then.”
“…okay.”
Jun gets his way, but somehow he feels like he’s lost again.
5.
Nino drops by the store a lot, and before long, like Jun, he’s befriended both Aiba and Toma. He gets along particularly well with Aiba; they dive into their friendship so fast and so sudden that Jun feels jealous at times, although he can’t decide who he’s more jealous of. Nino seems to be really taken with Aiba’s games, and it doesn’t take long for him to suggest that the four of them spend any time they’re all free to have gaming sessions.
There’s still a lot Jun doesn’t understand about Aibaland - how they’ve survived for as long as they have, how Aiba had ended up running it with Sakurai-san’s help. Aiba shrugs when it comes to questions about money, but the fact that he calls Sakurai-san “Sho-chan” and the way he talks to Sakurai-san makes Jun think that it’s like with him and Nino.
Jun finds Aiba interesting, too, so when Aiba asks him out, he said yes.
6.
Only two weeks into their relationship and Jun feels like they’re already living together. Satoshi is almost always over at his place, and he never really minds. In fact, he doesn’t even notice that anything is out of the ordinary until Nino calls him.
“I don’t know,” he says. “I think I feel like staying in tonight.”
“You’ve become rather domesticated, haven’t you?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“It’s just that - ever since you’ve been seeing that Ohno guy, you haven’t had any time for hanging out. And I’ve never seen you devote so much time to just one person before. Toma says that you don’t even do overtimes anymore, and that that guy comes over to pick you up after work. It’s just not like you.”
Nino’s right, Jun realises. He’s given Satoshi too much of himself.
7.
A heart like an artichoke, Aiba had once said to him. That’s what he has - a leaf for everyone, a meal for no one.
He’d just broken up with yet another guy who had thought they could handle his inability to commit, and Aiba is there, looking at him with disappointment. Something unpleasant curls in Jun, and at that moment he wishes that he could make things right with Aiba - one of the few exes who’d ended up a good friend - but he knows that he couldn’t help who he is.
“They knew what they’re getting into,” he had says defensively. “I never lie.”
Aiba had responds with a shrug and a grin as he tells Jun that they ought to be out getting drunk. “I know just the place,” he says, “and maybe you’ll find someone new while you’re at it.”
Aiba takes Jun to the place where Satoshi works, that night, and Jun finds himself mesmerised. At one point he thinks their eyes meet, and he forgets to breathe long enough that he let out a small gasp. Aiba notices, and asked quietly, “want to meet him?”
Yes, he thinks. “No,” he says. “I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
8.
“Hey, Jun-kun.”
It should annoy him that Satoshi still calls him that, but somehow it feels right. He is just “Jun” or “MatsuJun” to his friends, and “Matsumoto” to everyone else, but he’s only “Jun-kun” to Satoshi. Not that he’d tell Satoshi about this; it would only be leading the other man on to think that what they had was special. Which it wasn’t, Jun reminds himself. That’s why he had gone out with Nino that night, instead of spending a quiet evening at home with Satoshi.
He hadn’t even told Satoshi that he was going out, and had another guy - whose name he can’t even recall now - with him when he had arrived home, to see Satoshi waiting at his front door. He had told the nameless guy to go home, but was cool towards Satoshi.
Satoshi’s eyes had widened with… something… when he’d seen Jun arrive with someone else, but then he had settled back into an expressionless face, and Jun had felt irrational discontent in Satoshi’s lack of response.
“What?” he asks now. Satoshi’s in the living room and he’s in the kitchen, pouring himself a mug of coffee.
“Why did you say no?”
He had said ‘no’ so many times that he doesn’t know what Satoshi’s talking about - refusing to be introduced, or all the rejections before he finally gave in. “You seem like someone who’d want too much,” he says. Satoshi seems like the kind of person who might make him want too much, he thinks.
He feels Satoshi coming closer, rather than hearing it. He makes sure that the mug in his hand is safely on the table before Satoshi touches him; a soft, almost touch, light as it traces down his arms. Satoshi fingers the sleeves at Jun’s wrist, before going back up to rest his hand on Jun’s arm.
“I wish that Jun-kun would stop doing this to himself,” Satoshi says, but his voice is too quiet, and Jun pretends not to hear.
Besides, he thinks, as he looks at the long sleeves that covers the thin white scars on his arms, he hasn’t been doing that to himself in a long time.
When Satoshi pulls him towards the bedroom, Jun lets him.
9.
Jun has never been in love, but he knows what love is. He had seen it in his mother’s eyes, manic, as she claims that some guy is “the one.” It lasts for a few weeks, or if she’s lucky, a few months. Then she starts to think that the guy must be keeping secrets from her, that he must be cheating on her, and it escalates to a point where she gets hysterical if he so much as leaves the house to buy cigarettes, and she checks his mail and his phone calls. They always end up leaving her, of course. Jun hates when this happens because she’d be in bed for days or weeks and he’d have to skip school to take on part-time jobs to make sure they could pay the rent, and he’d have to rush home all the time because she keeps threatening to kill herself, and he never knows when it might be true.
To be in love, he learns, is a terrible thing to happen to a person.
10.
“Three weeks,” Aiba announces as he sits next to Jun. He looks proud, like the fact that Jun has lasted with someone that long is his own personal achievement.
Jun gives him a dirty look and says testily, “It’s not like I break up with people for sport, you know. It’s just that he hasn’t given me any grief about my life or tried to change me in any way… so far.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Aiba waves away his argument as if it means nothing to him, which is probably true. “I heard from Kazu-chan that you’ve been house broken.”
“Nino,” Jun declares, “is a dead man. And it’s nothing of the sort; in fact, I’m seeing someone tonight. Someone who isn’t Ohno,” he adds, clearing things up for Aiba. He’s careful not to call Satoshi by name around others; he doesn’t want anyone to get the wrong idea.
Aiba looks upset by the news. “Jun,” he says. “Are you sure that’s a good idea? Oh-chan -”
“Ohno understands,” Jun interrupts. “He knew what he was getting into with me, Aiba. Just like everyone else.” He looks at Aiba pointedly, and Aiba looks away.
Aiba, too, had once agreed to a non-exclusive relationship. And, like everyone else before him, it hadn’t worked out in the end.
“Oh-chan’s like a brother to me,” Aiba says. “Be careful with him?”
“I’m always careful,” Jun replies. “You know that.”
“Then - don’t be careful,” Aiba says, amending his words, but Jun pays him no heed.
11.
When Jun returns from the washroom, he sees Aiba talking with the man from the show. They are laughing, and seemed like they’ve known each other before, and Jun immediately understands. Aiba had brought him there to meet this man.
Resigned, he takes his time walking towards them. He wants to be angry with Aiba, but it’s impossible. Jun had learned within the first week of knowing Aiba that it is impossible to get mad at him. He could try, but then he looks at Aiba and has to fight a grin. It must be some kind of special gift that Aiba has.
So now he isn’t mad as he goes over to meet the two. When Aiba introduces him to the man, whose name is Ohno, Jun’s smile is distant and polite. He asks how they knew each other; they speak at the same time and their answers don’t match.
12.
“We are so not going to the aquarium.”
“Why not?” Satoshi looks confused, like he really can’t figure out why Jun would be so vehement about it.
“Because.” Jun doesn’t really know how to say it without sounding foolish. “I know what you get like when it comes to fish. Aiba told me.”
“I went to that thing with you the other day.”
“That thing,” Jun says, “is a gaming session with our friends, and you came because Aiba asked you to. And, as I recall, you seemed to get along really well with Nino.” Jun doesn’t know why this irks him, but it does. Nino seems friendly, and he is, but he doesn’t really take to people easily. Jun had been surprised by how easily Nino had insinuated himself into a friendship with both Aiba and Toma, and how he and Satoshi had immediately gotten along.
“I like Nino,” Satoshi agrees. He’s still looking at the aquarium, but now with a somewhat dreamy expression on his face. “He’s nice.”
“Yeah? Then you should’ve brought him here instead.” Jun’s tone is sharp and annoyed. “You can call him up now; I bet he’d go to the aquarium with you.”
He doesn’t know why he lets Satoshi choose where to go when they go out - the last time Satoshi had taken him to a restaurant where his friend works, and had spent the whole time talking to his friend instead.
Remembering it only makes him more irritated. He contemplates telling Satoshi that he wants to leave, when Satoshi’s hand takes his, and it’s his turn to look confused.
“Come on,” Satoshi tells him. “It’ll be fun.”
Whatever he’s about to say leaves his mind as he freezes for a brief second, before feeling the warmth rushing in. He only manages a sort of sound that Satoshi interprets as an agreement, and anyway, they’re already walking towards the aquarium.
13.
Jun’s surprised to find Ohno entering Aibaland when his shift starts. “Aiba’s not working today,” he says, but Ohno doesn’t look like he’s put off or disappointed.
“Actually,” the man tells him, “I’m here to see you.”
His guard goes up even before Ohno tells him that they’ve met before, sort of. Ohno had noticed him at his last job at the bakery; he had loved that job, but had been let go when the place closed down. Apparently Ohno, although not a frequent customer, passes by the bakery a lot, and had been interested in him. “In a vague, not-something-I’d-pursue kind of way,” Ohno clarifies, but he hadn’t been able to forget about Jun when the bakery closed, and had found himself wishing that they had at least talked - Jun not looking up as he rings up Ohno’s purchases and saying “thank you, come again” didn’t count. Then Aiba had brought Jun to watch his show, and it seems like fate.
Jun is amused by this; he can’t help it. Ohno’s talking as if they’re already halfway in love with each other.
Ohno’s serious, though, and asks Jun out. Jun says no.
Later, he tells Nino about it. “It sounds so far-fetched,” he says. “I can’t believe Aiba knows a guy like that.”
“Aiba knows everybody,” Nino says, and Jun realises that this is true. Whenever they’re on the same shift Aiba always attends all the customers and know them by name, and even if they’re hanging out after work, and when they used to date, they were always stumbling upon Aiba’s friends or acquaintances. It really does seem like Aiba knows everybody.
Still, he wonders where and how Aiba would have met someone like Ohno.
14.
His date is nice and interesting and is the sort of good looking that makes everyone look their way wherever they go, but for some reason Jun feels like he isn’t getting into it. He keeps glancing at his watch while trying not to look like he is, and even as he enjoys the conversation he sometimes fall silent. Not because he doesn’t have anything to say, but because he doesn’t feel like talking at all.
“-but that’s the catch, isn’t it?” his date is saying. “They say one thing but do something else entirely. It’s like in that manga…”
Jun glances out the window, and catches his breath. He isn’t sure, but he thinks he sees a glimpse of Satoshi walking into the building opposite the restaurant, which leads to a karaoke place. He seems to be with someone else; he was already disappearing into the building when Jun had seen them, but he distinctly saw Satoshi’s hand on the small of someone’s back.
Is it a girl? A guy? Does it matter? It shouldn’t, he supposes; he’s on a date with someone else too.
He looks at the half-eaten food on his plate and thinks of how he hadn’t tasted any of it, despite his date exclaiming on how delicious the food had been. He had said that he couldn’t possibly eat any more, but the truth is he isn’t really full. He had been feeling empty all day, like it doesn’t matter how good things are going with his date - he still feels like something is missing.
He doesn’t like where his thoughts are taking him, so when his date asks him what’s wrong, he says that he doesn’t feel well, apologises, and goes home.
15.
The first time Aiba sees Jun’s scars, he just gives Jun a sad look, and holds Jun as if the scars are new, and Jun’s still the kid that had once drew blood, not to hurt himself, but because it offers a kind of relief that he hasn’t been able to find anywhere else. Jun tries to explain to Aiba that he isn’t that kid anymore, but Aiba’s too upset to listen.
In the end, that’s the real reason they break up - not because Aiba demands to have Jun all to himself, but because Jun realises that Aiba really cares, and he would rather have someone like that in his life without the complications that a romantic involvement would bring. He doesn’t want neediness and desperation and lies and secrets with Aiba. He just wants Aiba’s company.
16.
Jun is staring at his bare arms. He wonders if the scars make him less attractive, if they have ever scared or bothered Satoshi, the way it had with some of his exes. He had thought that Satoshi would be bothered by the fact that they were both allowed to see other people, but from the looks of it, it seems that Satoshi enjoys their current arrangement. He doesn’t know what he thinks of that. He wonders about the other person Satoshi is seeing, if they’re nicer to Satoshi than he is, if they’re the kind who would deserve being liked by someone like Satoshi - even if they were, just a little, then they’d still be more deserving than him. He had rejected Satoshi more times than he could count, and even now that they’re together, he knows perfectly well that he’s too cold towards Satoshi sometimes.
When he hears keys jangling and the door to the apartment open, he doesn’t turn. He doesn’t trust himself to look as casual as he sounds when he asks Satoshi about his evening. Satoshi sounds happy, saying that he’s had a great time.
“That’s good.” Jun knows that he doesn’t sound enthusiastic at all, but he doubts that Satoshi cares or notices. He pulls his sleeves back down to cover his arms before turning. “Have you had dinner? Do you want me to make something?”
“That’s alright.” Satoshi had gone to the new pizzeria that Jun had wanted to try. “It’s good; we’ll have to go together sometime.”
The image of Satoshi having dinner there with his date flashes in his mind, and Jun stands up, saying sharply that he isn’t interested.
“Jun-kun.”
“What?”
“Are you alright?”
“Why are you asking me that?”
“Because you seem angry and upset.”
“Well, I’m not.” He takes the jacket that’s hanging from the hook near the front door, and shrugs it on. “I’m going out.”
“Stay.”
“I don’t take orders -” Jun starts, but one look at Satoshi puts a hand on his arm and shakes his head.
“Stay. I’ll go.”
“But -” he doesn’t get to finish before Satoshi is out of the door. He stands where he is for a few moments before slowly taking off his jacket, and hanging it back on the hook.
17.
“Wait, let me get this straight,” Aiba says. He looks amused, which Jun doesn’t expect - he’s so used to people getting angry at him, throwing accusatory remarks and saying that he’d regret it one day. “You want to break up, because you like me too much?”
“I like our friendship,” Jun explains. “I don’t want to complicate that.” He looks worried. “We can be friends, can’t we?”
Aiba takes his time thinking it over. The longer Aiba’s silence lasts the more tense Jun gets. He wonders if he’s doing the wrong thing, if he’s wrong in thinking that they make better friends. He doesn’t really believe that he’s wrong, but Aiba might think so, and that would spoil any chance of keeping their friendship. “I don’t know,” Aiba says seriously at first, before ruining the effect with a goofy smile. “Actually, I think I get what you mean. Maybe it’s for the best?” Aiba laughs when Jun just looks surprised. “What, did you think that I’ll cry and rail at you? Did you want me to do that? Because I can, if you want…”
“Shut up,” Jun says, but he laughs too, out of relief more than anything else. But then he quietens and asks, “are you sure you’re okay with this?”
“Yeah,” Aiba replies. “I’m fine. I figured that this was coming sooner or later anyway, when you went on your ‘we’re not exclusive’ thing. ‘Cause, you know, one day I might get serious, and then there’d be trouble.” He sounds completely casual, like it doesn’t bother him at all, but it still makes Jun uncomfortable. Jun looks away, and doesn’t respond. “But, you know, JunJun?” Jun turns back to Aiba, who’s looking at him thoughtfully. “One day you’re going to want more from someone, and then what would you do?”
“That’s unlikely to happen,” Jun says drily, picking up his fork to stab at a cherry tomato.
“I hope it does, though,” Aiba says. Jun looks at him, trying to determine why Aiba would say something like that. “Because I do want you to be happy.”
“But I am. Happy, I mean. All I need are you and Nino.” This earns him one of Aiba’s beaming smiles, and he can’t help but smile in return.
“You forgot Toma and Sho-chan.”
“And Toma and Sakurai-san.”
“You should start calling Sho-chan by name already,” Aiba complains, but he lets it go and starts attacking his own plate of food.
It’s only when they’re leaving that Aiba says, “hey, Jun?”
“What?”
“If you’re ever unhappy about anything, you can talk to me first, okay? I’ll always be there,” Aiba says earnestly, and Jun knows that the other man is thinking about his scars. He also knows that no amount of reassurance is going to make Aiba think that the past is the past, so Jun just takes Aiba’s hand and thanks him.
18.
It’s late, and he knows that Aiba would be working at the store that day, so that’s where Jun heads to. Aiba’s supposed to be on the same shift with Toma, but Jun knows that Toma’s down with a cold, which leaves Aiba by himself. And they never really have customers at this time, so he’d be able to talk with Aiba.
When he reaches the entrance to Aibaland, though, Jun stops short. Aiba isn’t alone; there is someone else there, and that person is standing really close to Aiba. At first Jun thinks it’s Sakurai-san because he’s always been somewhat suspicious of their relationship, but the build of the other man is definitely different, even if equally familiar.
Nino.
At first Jun rationalises it in his head, thinking Aiba might have gotten something stuck in his hair and needs help getting it out (it actually has happened before, when his hair had been longer than it is now) but then he thinks the angle is wrong and Nino’s lips doesn’t have to be on Aiba’s in that case, and that’s when his mind goes blank.
He coughs, and the two spring apart so quickly that Jun almost thinks that he’s been imagining things. Aiba looks embarrassed, while Nino’s face is caught between expressions of guilt and amusement.
“Sorry,” he says. “For interrupting. I didn’t know that… I just… I’ll talk to you later, I guess.”
He leaves.
19.
It doesn’t take long for Jun to notice that he lets Satoshi gets his way more often than not. He thinks that it’s worrying at first, but every time he tells himself it’s the last time he gives in to Satoshi, something else happens, and after awhile he’s stopped trying. It isn’t as if he really minds it, most of the time. Satoshi always makes it worth it, in the end.
20.
“Jun!”
He stops, a few steps away from the station. Nino’s running towards him. He lets Nino catch up, and waits while Nino catches his breath.
“About me and Aiba,” Nino starts.
“It’s none of my business, is it?” Jun says quickly. He needs time to compute it first; he doesn’t want to talk about it yet.
Nino gives him a look that says that he knows exactly what Jun is thinking, but he doesn’t say anything, and nods once. “About Ohno, then.”
“And that’s none of your business.”
“Do you realise that besides Aiba, Ohno is the only one of your guys that I’ve met? I think that means something, don’t you?”
21.
Jun watches Satoshi’s sleeping form on the sofa. He had wanted to go to an all-night izakaya that Nino had recently discovered, but Satoshi had wanted a quiet night in. It isn’t really very often that their off days matched, so Jun had given in. He could always go to the izakaya with Nino some other time, he tells himself.
Satoshi had fallen asleep almost right after dinner. Jun contemplates letting Satoshi sleep and calling Nino; his best friend is bound to be awake and ready to go out despite the time. Instead, he switches on the television, lowering the volume so that it’s just a comforting murmur in the background, and takes out the book he had borrowed from Sakurai-san the previous week, and have yet to start reading.
Jun sits on the edge of the sofa, pushing away Satoshi’s feet. He reads, but the book is a lot drier than he had thought it would be, and before he reaches the second chapter he, too, falls asleep.
He wakes before dawn with a headache, a backache, and a crick in his neck. The book is on the end table next to him, although he doesn’t remember setting it down before falling asleep. Satoshi’s head is on his lap; he had probably awakened sometime during the night and changed to a more comfortable position.
It never occurs to Jun that it’s unusual for him to spend the night with a lover when there’s no sex involved. It never occurs to him to move away, to go to the bedroom where it’s more comfortable, as his fingers runs through Satoshi’s hair, and he closes his eyes, letting slumber take him once more.
22.
Things are getting too… confusing, Jun thinks. Perhaps because they’ve been together longer than he had with anyone else. Perhaps because it’s Satoshi, and he had known that Satoshi was going to be a bad idea from the start.
He avoids Satoshi for the rest of the week, and the next. He ignores the calls and the e-mails, and he works more shifts than he’s supposed to. He sleeps over at Toma’s, although he made Toma swear not to tell anyone about it, even Aiba or Nino. By the second week, Satoshi comes looking for him at Aibaland.
Aiba’s working with Jun that day, and he isn’t helpful at all; he clears off almost as soon as Satoshi arrives.
“Traitor,” Jun mutters at Aiba’s retreating back.
Satoshi waits until Aiba’s completely gone before he speaks.
“You’ve been avoiding me.”
Jun shrugs and looks at Satoshi as if to say, so, what are you going to do about it?
“Do you - ” Satoshi’s pause is deliberate, as his gaze on Jun sharpens. “Do you want to break up?”
Jun feels something clench in him, even though it isn’t as if what Satoshi’s saying is completely unexpected. “If that’s what you want,” he says offhandedly.
“I’m asking if it’s what you want.” Satoshi’s voice is hard, like he’s angry but trying to rein it in. “Ever since we met, I’ve been trying to do things the way you want, but it’s never enough.”
“What are you talking about?” Jun wonders if Satoshi’s confusing him with the other person he’s seeing. “Isn’t it the other way around?”
“You said you wanted to see other people,” Satoshi says. “I gave you that. I don’t care if I have to share you, if I get to have some of your time all to myself.”
“You say that, but you were seeing other people, too.”
“That’s because Aiba said -” Satoshi stops, like he’s about to say something he isn’t supposed to.
Jun’s eyes narrow dangerously. “What did Aiba say?”
“He said that if it seemed like I cared too much, I’d scare you away.”
Jun’s stunned by Satoshi’s admission. Aiba thought that? “He said that?”
“He - never mind. It doesn’t matter,” Satoshi says. “I’ll leave, if that’s what you want.”
23.
A heart like an artichoke, Aiba had once said. But what Aiba knows, and doesn’t say, is that Jun devotes himself to people more than most. He just refuses to accept anything in return. He gives so much of himself away that he has none left for himself.
“You have to be careful with Jun,” he tells Ohno. “He thinks he’s being careful with his heart, but really he keeps falling so completely, and it hurts him every time. But he always runs when it seems like the other person cares too much, so you’ll have to play by his rules.”
24.
A few weeks pass without Satoshi, and nothing much has changed. Or perhaps everything has changed. Jun doesn’t get mad at Aiba, because he still finds it impossible to do. But he stops going to their game nights, because he knows that Aiba always invites Satoshi now. He still hangs out with Nino, but they don’t go to the same places they used to - he just doesn’t feel like it anymore (besides, Aiba would kill Nino).
He misses Satoshi.
This much isn’t a big revelation; he had known from the dull ache in his chest when Satoshi had left that he’d miss him. But what surprises him are the things he misses - the ordinary, quiet moments when they’re together at his place, doing nothing in particular. The way Satoshi laughs. The way Satoshi spaces out, or says strange things that make Jun wonder if he really is the same person as the one in all those shows. The way he seems to know Jun’s moods without Jun having to say anything, and the way he always manages to placate him. The way he never quits.
He doesn’t tell anyone, but he suspects that Nino knows. On nights when he isn’t working he’d watch Satoshi perform, but he leaves early, so that he wouldn’t be seen. But one night he goes and Satoshi’s role is being played by someone else, so he leaves as soon as he realises. When he steps out of the theatre, he hears Satoshi’s voice.
“You’re not staying for the rest of the show?”
Jun hesitates, but answers truthfully. “It’s not the show that I came to see.”
They stand side by side in the narrow street, silent. Satoshi takes his time before speaking. “Nino told me about your mother.”
25.
Jun’s mother died when he’s sixteen. He’s already decided not to go to high school, since he needed to work full time in order to support them - it’s kind of funny, in a way that’s not funny at all, that after all the times she’s been threatening suicide, she falls ill. She doesn’t even put up much of a fight.
Nino’s family takes him in, and encourages him to go back to school. But between the debt he lands himself in from the hospital bills and the funeral, which he refuses to let the Ninomiyas worry about - they’ve already done so much for him - he continues working. But work gets harder and harder to come by as time went, and he keeps getting replaced with people who were younger or had paper qualifications, until Nino gets him a job at Aibaland.
26.
“Nino has a big mouth,” Jun remarks. He thinks he hears Satoshi let out something that sounds between a snort and a laugh, but it’s muffled, so he isn’t sure.
“Why are you here?”
“Aiba’s wrong, you know,” Jun says, ignoring Satoshi’s question. “Or maybe he’s only half-right. I didn’t stay away from you because you cared too much. I did it because I cared too much. You were different, somehow, and I didn’t know how to - no, I didn’t want to handle that.”
“And now?”
“Maybe I’m wrong, too. Maybe, if only I hadn’t gone and ruined everything, we would’ve done okay.”
“You haven’t ruined everything.” Satoshi voice is closer, and Jun could feel the warmth from how close they’re standing to each other. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”
Jun thinks of a hundred things he could say. More than a hundred. Funny things, sharp things, and even pretty things that might make Satoshi’s heart race as much as how his is doing. But when he opens his mouth, all that comes out is, “always?”
He feels Satoshi’s hand over his. “Always,” Satoshi says, solemnly. “Because I like Jun-kun.”
“I like Satoshi, too.” Jun says this with a playful grin, imitating the simple way Satoshi had spoken.
“Good.” Satoshi pauses again, before asking, “Does this mean I can kiss you now?”
Jun laughs.
27.
Love, Jun thinks, doesn’t have to be complicated. He had thought that love is dangerous, the way it affected his mother, the way she used to get drunk and addicted to it to the point where it’s never enough. But perhaps she had been wrong. Perhaps it didn’t have to be about neediness and desperation and lies and secrets. Perhaps it hadn’t been about grand gestures or knowing absolutely everything or winning or losing or worrying about which of them has the upper hand over the other. Perhaps it really is just all of the ordinary things, and the way that being with the right person make them seem like they’re anything but. Perhaps it’s really just about finding the person that makes him laugh, the person whose very presence makes him feel a little warmer inside.
When, a year since they first got together, Jun tells Satoshi that he loves him, Satoshi doesn’t jump for joy or show much of a reaction to it. Satoshi nods as if he’s been expecting it, and while Jun wonders how Satoshi seems to know him better than he knows himself, Satoshi gives him an encore, repeating the words he had said.
Perhaps it had always been that simple.
~ the end ~
Marineko's Notes:
1. To senshi_san, I know this doesn't really follow your prompt. Sorry about that! (T_T) I've done dozens of one-shots, literally, and all of them ended up not really fulfilling the prompt. I really hope that you enjoyed this anyway~
2. To everyone, I've been MIA for two months. Sorry about that. I had been writing and re-writing various fics that didn't quite end up the way I wanted, and then giving up and working on other stuff first, and when I got to a point where I have quite a lot done, my computer crashed and I lost everything. The prospect of re-writing everything demotivated me so much, I needed time to get over it. *sighs* I'm starting back from scratch now.
3. Also thanks to arashic0804 for reading it through first :D