Pieces of Her, 16/?
Title: Pieces of Her, 16/?
Author: Kagekamay
Rating: R
Length: 2,721
Spoilers: AU after Special Education
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Rachel Berry wasn't unbreakable. Now she's broken and the only person who can put her back together is Quinn Fabray. WARNING deals with self harm
AN: Part 2 of the last chapter! This was my favorite chapter to write, so I hope you enjoy it :)
The silence in the room was palpable. Quinn stared in shock, stock-still, her body refusing to move while Hiram continued to stare at her, his initial surprise quickly fading. This wasn't good. Quinn would have given anything for the ground to open up and swallow her right then and there, but Rachel was having none of it.
The diva chose that moment to grab her hand and pull her off the couch towards her dad, a sickeningly sweet smile plastered across her face, "This is Quinn, Dad. She was keeping me company until you arrived home."
The blonde awkwardly held out her hand to shake, but Hiram didn't make a move to grasp it.
"Quinn?" he repeated, the tone in his voice shifting, "Quinn Fabray, the cheerio captain?"
The tension in the room doubled as Rachel's gaze flitted from her dad to Quinn, "Yes sir," Quinn said, her heart hammering as she lowered her hand.
His eyes narrowed at her confirmation, "I see," he replied curtly, giving her another once over, "And what exactly were you doing here in my house?"
Rachel glanced nervously at Quinn, and the blonde could tell she was mentally deciding how best to diffuse the situation. There wasn't much she could do at this point, Quinn thought ruefully. Judging by the animosity in his voice, it was obvious that he knew who she was and what she had done at one time or another.
"I came over to spend some time with Rachel," she replied calmly, deciding the truth was the best policy.
"Well I find that hard to believe," Hiram stated, his eyes continuing to bore into Quinn's.
Quinn nodded, taking his admission in stride. She had expected as much; it wasn't like she had given him any reason to think she actually cared about Rachel.
"I understand, sir, but - "
"Why?"
The question startled Quinn, and she turned to face Rachel, whose face had gone frighteningly blank.
For the first time since entering the house, Hiram took his eyes off of Quinn and looked incredulously at his daughter, "What did you say?"
Rachel took a sharp intake of breath, her hands twitching slightly at her sides as if she were about to curl them into fists before she spoke, "Why is it difficult to believe that Quinn would want to spend time with me?"
The man moved forward to place a comforting hand on her, shooting a look in Quinn's direction as if to say this was all her fault, "Sweetheart, it's just that I don't think Quinn is," he hesitated, searching for the right words to describe the situation, "the most appropriate person to be spending time with."
The words were a low blow for Quinn. She kept her expression neutral as she fought to keep her anger from showing. Did the man not see her standing right next to him? She was tempted to scream that he had no right to dictate who Rachel could and couldn't be friends with, but another part of her, the part of her that remembered the slushying and name calling a little too vividly, thought that he had a point.
"Why not spend time with Finn? I hardly see him around here anymore."
At his remark, Rachel stiffened, her eyes dropping down to stare at the floor, "I'm afraid that is entirely impossible. Finn and I broke up almost two months ago, and he no longer has any wish to talk to me."
The pain behind the words made Quinn's blood boil, scenarios involving Finn Hudson suffering severe bodily harm drifting through her mind. He had had no right to hurt Rachel like that, to completely break her to the point that Quinn had had trouble recognizing who the diva was anymore.
"Ah. I see," Hiram said uncomfortably, removing his hand from Rachel's shoulder. "I'm sorry things couldn't work out, honey."
Rachel nodded mechanically, accepting his sympathy with silence, while Quinn could only watch. The need to reach out and protectively wrap the brunette in a hug was suddenly very overwhelming. Even though moments ago it had been Rachel offering the comfort, the balance had shifted. She needed Quinn now, and the cheerio was going to make damn sure that she did whatever she could to be there for her.
Hiram was still standing awkwardly, unsure how to continue. Sighing he ran his hand over his bald head, "You know I love you very much, and I only have your best interests at heart - "
He reached towards Rachel to take her hand in his, but she scrambled away from his touch, moving closer to Quinn in the process.
"No," she whimpered, shrinking into Quinn's side, her arms wrapped around herself like a shield.
Hiram retracted his hand, glancing exasperatedly at Quinn, who had thrown an arm over Rachel's shoulder, "Now Rachel - "
"No, Dad!" The yell tore from the girl's throat, the raw power of it making the man's eyes widen.
"You do not get to stand there and tell me with whom I can be friends! Quinn is the one person I trust, and I can't stand the thought of you trying to take her from me. She was the only one who was there for me, while you and Daddy were too busy to give a damn."
Hiram looked completely dumbfounded. His mouth was hanging slightly open as he stared at Rachel, but the girl was far from finished.
"When was the last time you actually asked about my day, or asked if I wanted to spend some time with you or Daddy?"
The bald man spluttered, still reeling from Rachel's outburst. The brunette smiled lowly, his response reinforcing what she had said.
"That's what I thought." She hurried past him, yanking open the front door with Quinn close behind her. The blonde didn't spare a second glance at the man still standing frozen in the hallway before she shut the door in his face.
-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-
Rachel was already walking quickly toward Quinn's car, the tears she had been holding back starting to slide down her cheeks. She couldn't believe her father had had the nerve to say those things, in front of Quinn no less. He may have known a little bit of what the girl had done, but things were different. Quinn was different. She waited for the beep that meant the car was unlocked before she opened the passenger door and slipped inside. Quinn was in the driver's seat seconds later, the car whirring to life as she turned the key in the ignition.
"What do you need me to do?" she asked softly, looking intently at Rachel.
Rachel's heart constricted in her chest at the concern in the blonde's voice. She still wasn't used to hearing Quinn talk to her like that.
Her lip trembled as more emotions overwhelmed her, "Quinn..."
Quinn instinctively reached towards her, copying Rachel's actions from earlier by gently wiping away her tears, "Shh, it's okay. Just tell me where you want to go."
Rachel cupped Quinn's hand on her cheek, possibilities rushing through her mind before she settled on one.
"There's a park…not too far from here."
Quinn's eyes lit up in recognition and she slowly pulled her hand away from Rachel's, her touch sending shivers down Rachel's spine.
"I know where it is," Quinn murmured softly, shifting the car into reverse as she backed out of the driveway.
Minutes later, they were pulling into the parking lot of an empty playground. The sun was starting to dip into the horizon, the trees casting long shadows across the ground. The wind was blowing slightly, rustling the leaves as Rachel and Quinn stepped out of the car. Rachel crossed her arms, trying to hold in any small semblance of warmth as she moved toward the swing sets. She lowered herself into one of them, holding on to the worn chains as she used her legs to rock back and forth while keeping them planted on the ground. Quinn sat down on the swing next to Rachel, patiently waiting to see if she would talk.
The silence wasn't awkward, but it still weighed heavily on the two girls as it stretched between them. Rachel grasped the chains tighter, as she steeled herself to say what needed to be said. She was ready to talk now; the confrontation with her dad had given her the strength to finally open up to Quinn.
"I know I should have done this sooner," she began, eyes fixated on her lap as she continued to rock back and forth, "but I was too scared to say it out loud. It would make it too real."
Quinn stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt Rachel. The brunette could feel the hazel eyes staring intently at her, which surprisingly calmed her down. Taking a deep breath she continued, "I'm not okay, Quinn. I'm sure you've known that for quite some time. There are days where I feel as if I were to suddenly disappear no one would really care. Everyone at school hates me, and my dads - " her voice broke as she thought of her fathers.
"They're not bad people, and I know they're busy working. I just wish they'd show that they cared about me, instead of taking every possible opportunity to avoid me."
She laughed bitterly, more tears falling down her cheeks, "But why would they want to? I'm selfish, overbearing, bossy. There isn't any reason that anyone would want to spend time with me."
Slowly she raised her head to look at Quinn.
"Do you ever wonder why I was so obsessed with my dreams of Broadway?"
Quinn shook her head, staring deeply into Rachel's chocolate eyes.
"I needed something to keep the taunts and slushies from getting to me. I needed to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have to think about how I didn't have any real friends. When Finn came along, I thought I finally had someone who cared about me, supported me, but I was wrong."
She stopped rocking, digging her heels into the ground so that she was sitting still, "I latched onto Finn because he represented the one thing that I wanted. When our...relationship was over, everything inside me felt broken. I was broken. I had completely entrusted my heart to Finn, and just like before, he shattered it."
She paused to compose herself, the old hurt rushing back as she talked about Finn. Now came the hard part.
"That was the last straw for me. I started listening to the insults and the name calling. I felt terrible, and I felt like I deserved it. I started cutting because I had no one to turn to. It makes me feel better, and it helps me deal with things when they become too much. Seeing the cuts are a comfort, and it reminds me that at least I have control of one thing in my life. I was fine, or at least I thought I was. I still felt empty inside, but I lived for those small moments when the adrenaline would rush through me when I cut and I would feel something other than sadness and disgust. When I didn't feel quite as worthless."
Rachel stood up shakily from the swing, no longer able to sit still. She walked forward, her back to Quinn her arms crossed, "Then you came along, and things changed. Cutting was still all I had, but for the first time I found myself wondering if I had the strength to stop. I'm not ready for it yet, and I still need it to cope, but I'm not cutting nearly as much as I used to."
She heard the creaking of the swing as Quinn got up and approached her. Soon, she felt warm arms encasing her, and she leaned back into the blonde, taking in the familiar vanilla scent.
"I cut last week because for one terrifying moment, I thought I had lost you. I thought I was all alone again, and I couldn't deal with it. You're all I have right now. I need you." Tears sprang to Quinn's eyes at Rachel's admission, and she tightened her grip around the diva.
"You need me?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Rachel nodded turning around so her face was inches from Quinn, "so much so that it scares me sometimes."
Hazel eyes burned brightly as they stared back at her, the emotion in them making Rachel feel lightheaded, "I'm not going to leave you, Rach, and I'm trying to understand why you feel the way you do. You don't have to stop cutting if you're not ready, but will you at least tell me when you feel like you want to? Maybe if you talk to me before you do anything, it'll help."
"Okay," Rachel promised, tucking her head in the crook of Quinn's neck, emotionally drained after confessing everything to Quinn.
"You're not worthless." Rachel swore her heart had stopped, and she raised her head to look at Quinn.
"W-what?"
Quinn looked completely sincere as she stared down at Rachel, her head tilted slightly to the side, "You're not. You're amazing, and I wish you could see that just like you used to."
"Really?" Rachel whispered, half-believing she was dreaming.
Quinn nodded, "Really."
Rachel suddenly became aware of how very close their faces were, along with a strange charge to the air. The blonde's gaze was intense, her hair framed perfectly by the setting sun. Even in her current state, Rachel was struck by how beautiful she was. Quinn hesitantly lifted a hand to cup her cheek, her touch burning Rachel just like before. Her heart was beating so fast Rachel felt as if the beats had blended into one long continuous beat.
She was so entranced by the blonde before her, that she didn't question why Quinn's face was moving closer, or why her breath had suddenly sped up. She felt her eyelids flutter shut, whether on instinct or not, she didn't know nor care. All she was aware of was the soft pressure of Quinn's lips on hers, and the realization that she was kissing her back. Something had ignited inside of her, making her earlier kisses with Finn and Jesse pale in comparison. This was something entirely new, and exciting. And terrifying.
She forcibly detached herself from Quinn, panting heavily as she inhaled large gulps of oxygen. Quinn was staring at her, her own chest rising and falling rapidly, but there was panic in her eyes.
"Rach?"
"Don't," Rachel said frantically, backing away from the blonde slowly, the gravity of the situation catching up to her. She needed to get her thoughts back, to think clearly, but she couldn't do it around her.
Before she could register what she was doing, she had taken off, her shoes slapping against the concrete, running as fast as she could, away from Quinn. Away from everything.
Author: Kagekamay
Rating: R
Length: 2,721
Spoilers: AU after Special Education
Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Rachel Berry wasn't unbreakable. Now she's broken and the only person who can put her back together is Quinn Fabray. WARNING deals with self harm
AN: Part 2 of the last chapter! This was my favorite chapter to write, so I hope you enjoy it :)
The silence in the room was palpable. Quinn stared in shock, stock-still, her body refusing to move while Hiram continued to stare at her, his initial surprise quickly fading. This wasn't good. Quinn would have given anything for the ground to open up and swallow her right then and there, but Rachel was having none of it.
The diva chose that moment to grab her hand and pull her off the couch towards her dad, a sickeningly sweet smile plastered across her face, "This is Quinn, Dad. She was keeping me company until you arrived home."
The blonde awkwardly held out her hand to shake, but Hiram didn't make a move to grasp it.
"Quinn?" he repeated, the tone in his voice shifting, "Quinn Fabray, the cheerio captain?"
The tension in the room doubled as Rachel's gaze flitted from her dad to Quinn, "Yes sir," Quinn said, her heart hammering as she lowered her hand.
His eyes narrowed at her confirmation, "I see," he replied curtly, giving her another once over, "And what exactly were you doing here in my house?"
Rachel glanced nervously at Quinn, and the blonde could tell she was mentally deciding how best to diffuse the situation. There wasn't much she could do at this point, Quinn thought ruefully. Judging by the animosity in his voice, it was obvious that he knew who she was and what she had done at one time or another.
"I came over to spend some time with Rachel," she replied calmly, deciding the truth was the best policy.
"Well I find that hard to believe," Hiram stated, his eyes continuing to bore into Quinn's.
Quinn nodded, taking his admission in stride. She had expected as much; it wasn't like she had given him any reason to think she actually cared about Rachel.
"I understand, sir, but - "
"Why?"
The question startled Quinn, and she turned to face Rachel, whose face had gone frighteningly blank.
For the first time since entering the house, Hiram took his eyes off of Quinn and looked incredulously at his daughter, "What did you say?"
Rachel took a sharp intake of breath, her hands twitching slightly at her sides as if she were about to curl them into fists before she spoke, "Why is it difficult to believe that Quinn would want to spend time with me?"
The man moved forward to place a comforting hand on her, shooting a look in Quinn's direction as if to say this was all her fault, "Sweetheart, it's just that I don't think Quinn is," he hesitated, searching for the right words to describe the situation, "the most appropriate person to be spending time with."
The words were a low blow for Quinn. She kept her expression neutral as she fought to keep her anger from showing. Did the man not see her standing right next to him? She was tempted to scream that he had no right to dictate who Rachel could and couldn't be friends with, but another part of her, the part of her that remembered the slushying and name calling a little too vividly, thought that he had a point.
"Why not spend time with Finn? I hardly see him around here anymore."
At his remark, Rachel stiffened, her eyes dropping down to stare at the floor, "I'm afraid that is entirely impossible. Finn and I broke up almost two months ago, and he no longer has any wish to talk to me."
The pain behind the words made Quinn's blood boil, scenarios involving Finn Hudson suffering severe bodily harm drifting through her mind. He had had no right to hurt Rachel like that, to completely break her to the point that Quinn had had trouble recognizing who the diva was anymore.
"Ah. I see," Hiram said uncomfortably, removing his hand from Rachel's shoulder. "I'm sorry things couldn't work out, honey."
Rachel nodded mechanically, accepting his sympathy with silence, while Quinn could only watch. The need to reach out and protectively wrap the brunette in a hug was suddenly very overwhelming. Even though moments ago it had been Rachel offering the comfort, the balance had shifted. She needed Quinn now, and the cheerio was going to make damn sure that she did whatever she could to be there for her.
Hiram was still standing awkwardly, unsure how to continue. Sighing he ran his hand over his bald head, "You know I love you very much, and I only have your best interests at heart - "
He reached towards Rachel to take her hand in his, but she scrambled away from his touch, moving closer to Quinn in the process.
"No," she whimpered, shrinking into Quinn's side, her arms wrapped around herself like a shield.
Hiram retracted his hand, glancing exasperatedly at Quinn, who had thrown an arm over Rachel's shoulder, "Now Rachel - "
"No, Dad!" The yell tore from the girl's throat, the raw power of it making the man's eyes widen.
"You do not get to stand there and tell me with whom I can be friends! Quinn is the one person I trust, and I can't stand the thought of you trying to take her from me. She was the only one who was there for me, while you and Daddy were too busy to give a damn."
Hiram looked completely dumbfounded. His mouth was hanging slightly open as he stared at Rachel, but the girl was far from finished.
"When was the last time you actually asked about my day, or asked if I wanted to spend some time with you or Daddy?"
The bald man spluttered, still reeling from Rachel's outburst. The brunette smiled lowly, his response reinforcing what she had said.
"That's what I thought." She hurried past him, yanking open the front door with Quinn close behind her. The blonde didn't spare a second glance at the man still standing frozen in the hallway before she shut the door in his face.
-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-8-
Rachel was already walking quickly toward Quinn's car, the tears she had been holding back starting to slide down her cheeks. She couldn't believe her father had had the nerve to say those things, in front of Quinn no less. He may have known a little bit of what the girl had done, but things were different. Quinn was different. She waited for the beep that meant the car was unlocked before she opened the passenger door and slipped inside. Quinn was in the driver's seat seconds later, the car whirring to life as she turned the key in the ignition.
"What do you need me to do?" she asked softly, looking intently at Rachel.
Rachel's heart constricted in her chest at the concern in the blonde's voice. She still wasn't used to hearing Quinn talk to her like that.
Her lip trembled as more emotions overwhelmed her, "Quinn..."
Quinn instinctively reached towards her, copying Rachel's actions from earlier by gently wiping away her tears, "Shh, it's okay. Just tell me where you want to go."
Rachel cupped Quinn's hand on her cheek, possibilities rushing through her mind before she settled on one.
"There's a park…not too far from here."
Quinn's eyes lit up in recognition and she slowly pulled her hand away from Rachel's, her touch sending shivers down Rachel's spine.
"I know where it is," Quinn murmured softly, shifting the car into reverse as she backed out of the driveway.
Minutes later, they were pulling into the parking lot of an empty playground. The sun was starting to dip into the horizon, the trees casting long shadows across the ground. The wind was blowing slightly, rustling the leaves as Rachel and Quinn stepped out of the car. Rachel crossed her arms, trying to hold in any small semblance of warmth as she moved toward the swing sets. She lowered herself into one of them, holding on to the worn chains as she used her legs to rock back and forth while keeping them planted on the ground. Quinn sat down on the swing next to Rachel, patiently waiting to see if she would talk.
The silence wasn't awkward, but it still weighed heavily on the two girls as it stretched between them. Rachel grasped the chains tighter, as she steeled herself to say what needed to be said. She was ready to talk now; the confrontation with her dad had given her the strength to finally open up to Quinn.
"I know I should have done this sooner," she began, eyes fixated on her lap as she continued to rock back and forth, "but I was too scared to say it out loud. It would make it too real."
Quinn stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt Rachel. The brunette could feel the hazel eyes staring intently at her, which surprisingly calmed her down. Taking a deep breath she continued, "I'm not okay, Quinn. I'm sure you've known that for quite some time. There are days where I feel as if I were to suddenly disappear no one would really care. Everyone at school hates me, and my dads - " her voice broke as she thought of her fathers.
"They're not bad people, and I know they're busy working. I just wish they'd show that they cared about me, instead of taking every possible opportunity to avoid me."
She laughed bitterly, more tears falling down her cheeks, "But why would they want to? I'm selfish, overbearing, bossy. There isn't any reason that anyone would want to spend time with me."
Slowly she raised her head to look at Quinn.
"Do you ever wonder why I was so obsessed with my dreams of Broadway?"
Quinn shook her head, staring deeply into Rachel's chocolate eyes.
"I needed something to keep the taunts and slushies from getting to me. I needed to keep myself busy so I wouldn't have to think about how I didn't have any real friends. When Finn came along, I thought I finally had someone who cared about me, supported me, but I was wrong."
She stopped rocking, digging her heels into the ground so that she was sitting still, "I latched onto Finn because he represented the one thing that I wanted. When our...relationship was over, everything inside me felt broken. I was broken. I had completely entrusted my heart to Finn, and just like before, he shattered it."
She paused to compose herself, the old hurt rushing back as she talked about Finn. Now came the hard part.
"That was the last straw for me. I started listening to the insults and the name calling. I felt terrible, and I felt like I deserved it. I started cutting because I had no one to turn to. It makes me feel better, and it helps me deal with things when they become too much. Seeing the cuts are a comfort, and it reminds me that at least I have control of one thing in my life. I was fine, or at least I thought I was. I still felt empty inside, but I lived for those small moments when the adrenaline would rush through me when I cut and I would feel something other than sadness and disgust. When I didn't feel quite as worthless."
Rachel stood up shakily from the swing, no longer able to sit still. She walked forward, her back to Quinn her arms crossed, "Then you came along, and things changed. Cutting was still all I had, but for the first time I found myself wondering if I had the strength to stop. I'm not ready for it yet, and I still need it to cope, but I'm not cutting nearly as much as I used to."
She heard the creaking of the swing as Quinn got up and approached her. Soon, she felt warm arms encasing her, and she leaned back into the blonde, taking in the familiar vanilla scent.
"I cut last week because for one terrifying moment, I thought I had lost you. I thought I was all alone again, and I couldn't deal with it. You're all I have right now. I need you." Tears sprang to Quinn's eyes at Rachel's admission, and she tightened her grip around the diva.
"You need me?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper.
Rachel nodded turning around so her face was inches from Quinn, "so much so that it scares me sometimes."
Hazel eyes burned brightly as they stared back at her, the emotion in them making Rachel feel lightheaded, "I'm not going to leave you, Rach, and I'm trying to understand why you feel the way you do. You don't have to stop cutting if you're not ready, but will you at least tell me when you feel like you want to? Maybe if you talk to me before you do anything, it'll help."
"Okay," Rachel promised, tucking her head in the crook of Quinn's neck, emotionally drained after confessing everything to Quinn.
"You're not worthless." Rachel swore her heart had stopped, and she raised her head to look at Quinn.
"W-what?"
Quinn looked completely sincere as she stared down at Rachel, her head tilted slightly to the side, "You're not. You're amazing, and I wish you could see that just like you used to."
"Really?" Rachel whispered, half-believing she was dreaming.
Quinn nodded, "Really."
Rachel suddenly became aware of how very close their faces were, along with a strange charge to the air. The blonde's gaze was intense, her hair framed perfectly by the setting sun. Even in her current state, Rachel was struck by how beautiful she was. Quinn hesitantly lifted a hand to cup her cheek, her touch burning Rachel just like before. Her heart was beating so fast Rachel felt as if the beats had blended into one long continuous beat.
She was so entranced by the blonde before her, that she didn't question why Quinn's face was moving closer, or why her breath had suddenly sped up. She felt her eyelids flutter shut, whether on instinct or not, she didn't know nor care. All she was aware of was the soft pressure of Quinn's lips on hers, and the realization that she was kissing her back. Something had ignited inside of her, making her earlier kisses with Finn and Jesse pale in comparison. This was something entirely new, and exciting. And terrifying.
She forcibly detached herself from Quinn, panting heavily as she inhaled large gulps of oxygen. Quinn was staring at her, her own chest rising and falling rapidly, but there was panic in her eyes.
"Rach?"
"Don't," Rachel said frantically, backing away from the blonde slowly, the gravity of the situation catching up to her. She needed to get her thoughts back, to think clearly, but she couldn't do it around her.
Before she could register what she was doing, she had taken off, her shoes slapping against the concrete, running as fast as she could, away from Quinn. Away from everything.