Revised Logline Critique Round - #18

Oct 07, 2011 16:18

Title: Unwritten ( Read more... )

critiques, writing, loglines

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Comments 8

ext_823175 October 7 2011, 20:42:55 UTC
I love the first sentence of this, and the whole daughter versus mom conflict. For me, though, it kind of falls apart in the second half. The childhood trauma thing feels like it comes out of nowhere; is it directly related to the mom? I'm assuming yes, but I'd like some specifics. Same with the professor-- it feels disconnected from what I think the main conflict is, and sort of tacked on in a way that makes it seem like an irrelevant afterthought. I almost think it would be stronger without it, as written. You may need to ask yourself how important her love for him is to the CENTRAL plot. Loglines aren't really the place for subplots.

Good luck!

-Stefanie

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ext_823314 October 8 2011, 00:10:13 UTC
I agreed with Stefanie. The two sentences almost didn't seem to be from the same story. I was confused as to what the main conflict and goals were. With the first sentence, I thought it would be about keeping her rep intact in the face of her mother's slander (taking place in the present), but the second seemed to be talking about a different conflict, one that happened in the MC's childhood. Great ideas though!

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ext_821881 October 8 2011, 00:24:09 UTC
I agree with the other commenters. I think the reader can figure out the mc's childhood wasn't so hot if her mother launches a vicious smear campaign.

Think about antecedents - "...image she's" refers to the mother. You might want the mc's name here. Then: "Now she must regain the respect of her fans or ....consequences.

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anonymous October 8 2011, 00:58:39 UTC
Thanks so much for the feedback! Based on the comments so far, I've come up with this revised logline that hopefully ties together the 2 sentences. Does this sound better:

When pop superstar Katherine Hayes’ estranged mother launches a vicious smear campaign against her, Kate’s positive image is tarnished and a budding romance with college professor Josh Randall is thrown into jeopardy. With details of a traumatic childhood assault now front page news, Kate must battle a debilitating stress disorder to regain the respect of her fans and fight for her chance at love.

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justjess October 9 2011, 18:58:30 UTC
I think this revision makes it more complicated. It starts off well, but I think the smear campaign is enough--I don't think you need the assault or the stress disorder. Maybe:
"When pop superstar Katherine Hayes’ estranged mother launches a vicious smear campaign against her, Kate’s positive image is tarnished and a budding romance with college professor Josh Randall is thrown into jeopardy. With traumatic details about her past splashed across the front page, Kate must battle to regain the respect of her fans and fight for her chance at love."

Good luck!

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anonymous October 8 2011, 21:17:02 UTC
I too love the first sentence. The rest needs to tie in more. I think if you explained more about the childhood trauma that might work. The college professor either needs to be included more in the first area-where we hear about her problems or it might be able to be cut.

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