Revised Logline Critique Round - #17

[justjess]

TITLE: Ravishing Midnight

Comments

[ext_821881]

I so want to read this.

I got bogged down in the explanation of the witches' plot. Can you simplify that? Maybe...

...she discovers the witches plan to use demon/human hybrids like her to eradicate the demons, and with them their magical energy. However, that will destroy the witches' own magic and Rieve must use the power from her demon heart to stop them or see an all out apocalypse.

Meh - I'm sure you can do better.

Hmm - my captcha appears to be in Hebrew - appropriate for the day.

[matril]

I feel like this is very close, but there's just so much information it's a little overwhelming. Maybe you don't have to explain everything about the witches and demon magic - just the really crucial part, that their plot will inadvertently turn into an apocalypse if Rieve doesn't stop them? If this were just a bit cleaner, it really would be perfect. Good luck!

[ext_823314]

I had to read this twice before I realized it was a really interesting story idea. I think it was a little overly-wordy right in the first sentence. If you trimmed it down a bit, it'll make the awesome premise shine.

[ext_420320]

I agree with the others: simplifying will make this really strong. My recommendation would be to cut this part of the first sentence: "and sever their dependence on demon energy for stronger magic."

Also, I think all-out should be hyphenated, but I'm not sure. Maybe a different word there would be better.

Great revision. You're so close!

Ann

[ext_823198]

I do really like this story, and I like it's change. I too think that it is a little wordy, I had to read it a couple times to make sense of it.
Think Heather has given you a great example, and sure you will be able to use it to good advantage.

Really am intrigued by this idea though.