Revised Logline Critique Round - #17

[justjess]

TITLE: Ravishing Midnight

Comments

[anonymous]

It sounds very interesting, but very complicated, which makes it hard to summarize in fewer than 100 words. ( I had the same problem). So I don't know if this will help much, but if you could be more clear, with fewer words-really tighten and explain more. Like: After discovering that her new heart derived from her enemy, Demon Control officer Rieve uncovers a plot to use demon-human hybrids...etc. You obviously understand this better.Also I got confused between the demons being the bad guys and the witches.

[kimberlyfdr]

There's a bit too much information in this and not enough of it is relevant. Is Rieve a hybrid because of the heart or was she one to begin with? I'd cut down on the witch's plot explanation and just focus on Rieve and her actions.

[justjess]

I agree with everyone about the wordiness. Particularly, I think you can snip "for stronger magic" and then figure out a way to simplify the explanation of the witches' plot. Maybe:
"When Demon Control officer Rieve discovers that her transplanted heart is a demon’s, she uncovers the witches’ plot to use hybrids like her to eradicate the demons. However, the witches don’t realize that destroying the demons will destroy their own magic, turning their plot into an all out apocalypse--and only Rieve knows how to stop them."

You can probably do better, but that's how I'd tighten it up based on the information I have here.

I love the idea of this story.

[ext_319388]

Your inciting incident is leading to a discovery which kind of leads to an assumed goal with no motivation. You need to focus on telling us why SHE needs to go on this journey and what SHE will lose if she doesn't succeed.

Holly

Thanks!

[anonymous]

Thanks a lot for the feedback, it really helped me work on the logline more and I think I have something I'm happier with.