Comments | justjess: Revised Logline Critique Round

justjess

Revised Logline Critique Round - #14

Oct 07, 2011 16:14

TITLE: Unitus
GENRE: YA

LOGLINE: Teenage girl seeks to escape her dystopian society through alien abduction, but the alien she summons turn out to be a fierce warrior who wants to kill her.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

critiques, writing, loglines

Comments 10

anonymous October 8 2011, 14:51:03 UTC

Pop a name in for your MC. Too much distance with, 'teenage girl.' And what sort
of dystopian society are we talking about? :)

anonymous October 8 2011, 21:34:21 UTC

Too generic. Give short description of character at least.

kimberlyfdr October 9 2011, 01:16:05 UTC

Teenage girl is too vague. Give her a name so we can connect with her. It's pretty bare, though. We need more explanation of what's going on. Is she summoning the aliens to kidnap her or is she abducting them as a means of escape?

justjess October 9 2011, 18:41:03 UTC

I agree with everyone else here. You went from too complex to too bare bones. Find a happy medium, and this will work well!

ext_319388 October 10 2011, 16:15:12 UTC

Some of this has been said but...
1) You need to be more specific about the protagonist. Is she a specific age? Does she have a name? Any specific qualities that are going to make this story more interesting or challenging? There are already a ton of books about teenage girls facing dystopian societies so you need to stand out here.
2) You need something at the beginning to incite the story. WHY does she decide to escape NOW?
3) You need a little more information about how she will try to both meet her goal to escape and defeat the alien.

Holly