Revised Logline Critique Round - #14

[justjess]

TITLE: Unitus
GENRE: YA

LOGLINE: Teenage girl seeks to escape her dystopian society through alien abduction, but the alien she summons turn out to be a fierce warrior who wants to kill her.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

Comments

[ninja_turbo]

I like what you have, but to slam it home for me, I'd want one more beat that would give me a sense of movement forward -- if the alien wants to kill her and has her held captive, it should be easy for said alien to do so. By giving me a bit more of a sense of what happens next, I get a sense of what else will happen.

Overall, you have done well, because my only complaint is that I want more -- and that's what you want the reader to be asking for.

[ext_823159]

Your first version had too much information, but now I feel like you've stripped it too bare. I don't feel a connection to the characters anymore. I'd suggest you at least use your protagonist's name. Other than that though, it looks like you did a great job whittling it down to the basic conflict of your book!

[ext_821881]

Just a little more here. I'd like the mc's name.

"dystopian society" is generic. Can you describe it in two or three words?

A point of clarity - is the mc kidnapping aliens or allowing herself to be kidnapped?

I wouldn't mind a hint of why the alien wants to kill her.

You have some elbow room to work with - it shouldn't take many words.

[ext_823314]

I agree that it's a little bare, but even so, I found it to be interesting. The last sentence left me asking, so what does she do? If you could answer that & maybe give us her name to connect with her better, I think this would be really good.

[ext_823371]

I agree with the commenter above who thought it needed another beat to close it out. At the moment, it ends with the alien wanting to kill her, which is not the most surprising thing when it comes to alien abduction (the surprising/interesting twist is that she is trying to get abducted.) I think it's important to include it, but maybe there could be some phrase that acknowledges that it's slightly expected. Like: "it's unfortunate when the alien turns out to be a fierce warrior..." or add another interesting plot point after it (like other suggested above) to close it out with a bang.

Super cool premise!