Revised Logline Critique Round - #9

[justjess]

TITLE: RAVEN'S WING
GENRE: YA fantasy with SF elements

When the king tries to force Veldt and her sisters to secretly bear his heirs, she escapes and joins the rebels as a spy. To save what's left of her family she leads a coup, but if Veldt fails, everyone she loves will die.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

Comments

[ext_823175]

I like the addition of the King and his goal (to force her and her sisters to bear his heirs), and the specificity it brings to the logline. You've also given us a more tangible goal for your mc this time around--she has to save her family, and if she fails, everyone she loves will die. So overall, I think the revision is good and you're moving in the right direction

[ext_823314]

This was a lot less vague than the original logline, but I was still unclear about the stakes & goals. I thought the first sentence was good, but the second needs just a bit more polishing.

Interesting though!

[matril]

Hmm. This is good, but might benefit from a little more fleshing out. I'm curious about why Veldt's family in particular is targeted by the king - is there a way to fit that in here? And if you could give a hint or two about the worldbuilding - not all the details, of course, but something to indicate its qualities as a fantasy/sf hybrid? It could add a little flavor. I think that's what's really lacking here, because the conflicts and stakes are solid and clear-cut.

[adamheine]

I agree with the comments on setting. If you can slip some hint of its uniqueness in there, it'll help a lot.

I wanted to know why everyone she loves will die. The king was secretly bearing heirs, but not (in the logline anyway) killing anybody. Is the king threatening them? Does he have them hostage? That kind of thing.

Author here

[ext_821881]

I'm just going to throw some information out and see if anybody has a brilliant idea for that second line - I've found it much easier to edit other people's work than my own..

Why the king wants the sisters: They all have aristocratic brown eyes and only a prince with the same can inherit the throne. The king isn't having any luck with his queen as all her children are blue eyed.

Veldt's goal: Put her nephew, the King's son by her sister, on the throne with the backing of Veldt's family. Then kill the king.

What Veldt has to do: She arranges an epic aerial battle (like dogfighting with hang gliders) as a diversion while she flies a glider to the palace, sneaks in and kidnaps her nephew. To draw the king out, she takes the boy to the temple, where Veldt has to face down an evil priestess with the help of sisters/friends/lover. Then she has to kill the king and yet make sure her nephew inherits the throne.

Consequences if she fails: Veldt, her sisters, nephew, friends and lover will all die. Her adopted people, the rebels, will be