Revised Logline Critique Round - #9

[justjess]

TITLE: RAVEN'S WING
GENRE: YA fantasy with SF elements

When the king tries to force Veldt and her sisters to secretly bear his heirs, she escapes and joins the rebels as a spy. To save what's left of her family she leads a coup, but if Veldt fails, everyone she loves will die.

Read the original logline on MSFV.

Comments

[kimberlyfdr]

I like the addition of the king in this. It gives the set-up and we understand what she's fighting against. However, "leading a coup" is a bit vague and I got the feeling that "everyone she loves" is just referring to her sisters (since that's who was mentioned prior).

[ext_823371]

I don't know if I'll be able to pay you back for all the help you've given me, but here's a possible approach:

Armed only with her [hang-glider?] and a need for revenge, Veldt sets out to kill the king herself, even though getting caught would condemn her family to death.

[justjess]

I think Ann's suggestion for the second sentence works well. If the hang gliders are only a diversion, she'll need another sort of weapon to storm the castle and kill the king, but if you can find a way to work them in that would be awesome. If not, though, don't force it.

This sounds like my kind of book. I'd absolutely read it.

[ext_319388]

To me, the spy thing implies that she is still on the inside (meaning, she is still with the king but sharing information with the rebels). If this is not the case (and I think it is not if she is leading a coup), maybe pick another word.

The final line is pretty good, however it sounds a little bit more like a choice than a conflict (and usually, the conflict LEADS to the choice). What does the king do to make her victory difficult before he threatens to kill her family?

Holly