Comments | justjess: Revised Logline Critique Round

justjess

Revised Logline Critique Round - #7

Oct 07, 2011 16:09

Title: BROKEN FOREST
Genre: YA FANTASY

Seventeen-year-old Avikar, a despondent farm-boy, leaves on a daring quest to rescue his kidnapped sister. He has no idea the kidnapper is really a shapeshifter from another world or that his whimsical sister has fallen for him

Read the original logline on MSFV.

critiques, writing, loglines

Comments 9

ninja_turbo October 7 2011, 20:53:14 UTC

I like the twist on the quest tale-type, but I almost feel like the book may have th wrong protagonist.

If the farmboy is the protagonist, I'm not sure I'd be as excited to read the story as if it focused on the kidnapper or the sister. 'Despondent farm-boy has to go on a quest' is a thoroughly worn-out tale type, and all of the twist comes from things he's not clued in about.

I'm afraid that as is, this might have a problem catching an experienced fantasy reader's attention. Many YA readers may not have that problem, however.

anonymous October 7 2011, 21:32:23 UTC

Not sure what the consequences of his actions are. Maybe revise that second line a bit?

ext_821881 October 7 2011, 22:22:24 UTC

I love shapeshifters. I hope your story spends lots of time with the antagonist.

This can use a little more goal and consequences.

Hmm. I'd leave out the despondent and farm-boy. Also whimsical.

Perhaps something like: After seventeen-year-old Avikar's sister is kidnapped, he does what he never thought possible, leave home on a daring quest to rescue her. But when the kidnapper turns out to be a shapeshifter from another world and his sister has fallen under his spell, Akibar must ??? or ???

comment anonymous October 7 2011, 23:12:12 UTC

I'm not very interested in a despondent farm boy, but I would be interested in him if he was a positive quality. Also, could you raise the possibility that this wasn't really a kidnapping? Maybe she eloped?

matril October 7 2011, 23:37:55 UTC

I agree that despondent isn't really the word you want to attach to your protagonist, especially when it's followed up with "daring quest." And I'm not sure that whimsical works either. But I think you've set up the complications pretty well - maybe just add something to indicate what Avikar must do because of his sister's kidnapper/crush. Active characters are good; passive not so much. :)