Tales Of A Time Agency - 13/?
Title: Tales of A Time Agency - 13/?
Rating: 15 to NC-17 to be safe.
Pairings: Jack/Ianto but it’s the Time Agency so expect Jack/John, Tosh/Owen, Ianto/John, Tosh/Mary, John/the consenting population of the universe……
Spoilers: Anything Torchwood could be hinted at.
Summary: Ianto Jones is thrown into the world of excess of the Time Agency Academy, but will he sink or swim? Especially when the enigmatic Jack Harkness starts looking his way…. In this chapter, everyone is feeling the effects of love, but no one is able to deal with it in the same way….
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.
Author’s Notes: So here I am….slow and steady but with more TOATA. Why has it taken so long? Family reasons I’d rather avoid and a bit of writer’s block. Cursed I am :P Anyway, it is here, in all of its confusing, slightly experimental (and quite possibly melodramatic) glory. Posting today would not have been possible without the invaluable assistance of both thehubsitter and of naddypants , who not only took the time to read through and this and tell me their thoughts, but they also both gave me the confidence to post. So thank you girls!! And as always, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and any comments you good people are kind enough to give me really do mean so so much. :)
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five A
Chapter Five B
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight A
Chapter Eight B
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven A
Chapter Eleven B
Janto Interlude
Chapter Twelve
Dedications, dedications. To the wonderful naddypants , who brightens my day with not only her fics but with her conversation too, to the amazing thehubsitter ; who keeps me coming onto msn some nights and never stops giving me the inspiration I need, and to morgia ; who has really been there for me when I have needed a virtual hug or even more importantly a giggle. You are all incredible. :)
It was amazing how easily aspects of your life could slip from your grasp.
For Ianto Jones, that particular aspect had been his friendship with Toshiko.
Every fresh tear that had fallen down her cheeks had only cemented that fact further.
Above him, grey skies were swirling, spinning and twisting, the blurred shapes of clouds blotting out most of the pale blue canvas. The sunlight seemed to rise and fall over the courtyard of the firing range, shadows forming and then disappearing in seconds on the grass. A cool mid-afternoon haze hung in the air, making the atmosphere feel almost brittle, jagged edges cutting into Ianto’s lungs every time he took in a deep breath of oxygen. Below him the apple grass had seemed to withdraw, its intense colour lost alongside the summer sun. Everything around him seemed on edge, as if waiting for something, much like Ianto himself. Although in his case, he doubted that the soft glow of spring would bring him any form of salvation.
One week had passed from that night he had spent with John, and as the days had moved on and on, Ianto had heard nothing from Toshiko. It sickened him now for him to have simply made the assumption that she was, just like him, incredibly busy. Somewhere amongst all of his own emotional drama and the stress of his technical exam the day before, Ianto had simply lost track of time, lost track of his life almost as everything seemed to spiral out of his control. Until that morning, when a garbled cry for help had arrived on his wrist strap.
“Tosh.....” He was a loss for any more words as he stepped forward into her room, pulling her into his arms and feeling her damp face press against his uniform. Her small frame was shaking against him as she sobbed, her voice muffled by his chest as she continued to cry, arms hanging limply by her sides. She had looked so lost that he had just wanted to hold her tighter, not even daring to ask her what was wrong. After all.....he should have known what was wrong. Toshiko was the one person who had looked after him without question at TARA, and yet he had somehow forgotten to return the favour....
“I’ve missed you.” After what had felt like hours, she pulled away from him, giving him a weak smile.
“I’m so sorry Tosh....I should have called, I should have at least tried-”
“Shhhh.” She paused, a slender finger pressing against his lips as her watery eyes looked into his. “It’s not your fault.”
“It is...”
“It isn’t! I wanted to call you Ianto....but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say to you.”
“You shouldn’t have had to say anything.” Ianto sighed, gripping her shoulder in his right hand. “I should have checked...”
“You’re not my baby sitter Ianto!” She gave him a soft laugh. “I can take care of myself.” She paused, taking his hand and pulling him to sit down beside her. “I just needed space. Everything has just been happening so fast..I just feel so lost..”
“How do you mean? What’s been happening?”
“It’s stupid....I shouldn’t even be crying like this. It’s just....” She took in a deep breath, wiping at her eyes. “I just feel torn.....I don’t know what to do.”
“I don’t understand Tosh.”
“I know you don’t....I don’t expect you too.”
“Then make me. Tell me what has happened? Let me help you....”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“The beginning?”
“Logic would suggest that yes....” Toshiko paused, taking Ianto’s hand in hers and looking at him. “But I don’t even think I know where it all started anymore.....”
He hadn’t been sure what had made it happen, but right then and there the words had seemed to just spill from Tosh’s mouth, over flowing and tripping over each other in haste. In silence he sat beside her, her hand tightly clasped in his as she told him about how Owen had left her, about how she had met Mary and then more recently about what Owen had said to her. By the end of her speech Toshiko’s words were barely coherent anymore, garbled worries and rushed explantations of what Owen had said to her, of what she had wanted to say to him. It was all Ianto could do to simply let her finish, listen in an attempt to give her some kind of comfort.
“I can’t believe that he could do that to you.”Ianto paused, rubbing at her shoulder with his thumb. “I mean....to make you feel like nothing, and then suddenly tell you that you are everything.” He flinched, his own thoughts suddenly flashing to back to those of Jack. “It’s not fair.”
“But it’s not his fault. He’s just as confused as I am about this.”
“You’re defending him?” Ianto pulled away slightly, ensuring that he was able to look his friend in the eye.
“Of course I am.”
“But after all that he’s said Tosh......I’m sure even he wouldn’t blame you for hating him.”
“I know....and I’ve tried. Part of me wants to forget him and just move on.”
“Then maybe that’s what you should do.”
“ But I don’t think I can Ianto.”
“Why not?”
“Because, now that I know that he feels like this about me, its like my brain won’t let me give up on him.” She sighed softly, fiddling with his lapel. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or why I’m even considering this. I know that he’s the one who can’t give me the stability that I want.”
“And this Mary, can she give it to you?”
“Yes, or at least she has for the short time I’ve known her.” Toshiko paused, wiping at her eyes and sniffing slightly. “I don’t want to hurt her, she doesn’t deserve it.”
“You can’t stay with her just because you feel you have to Tosh.” Ianto smiled, squeezing her shoulders comfortingly. “Sometimes hurting people is unavoidable.”
“Maybe your right. But I’m just scared........what if Owen isn’t worth it?”
“Would you be feeling like this if he wasn’t?”
“No....”
“Then it sounds like you’ve answered your own question there.” He smirked softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Just don’t be afraid of what you feel.”
As always, giving out advice was so much easier than listening to it yourself.
Ianto Jones was no psychologist, but he did posess the self awareness to know what he was feeling. If he had had any doubts about his own emotions, they had been shed the second that Jack’s lips had touched his, the precise moment when his heart thumped that first, adrenaline fuelled volume of blood through his brain. He had simply known, and ever since, this sudden realisation had haunted him. He had barely even talked to Jack since never mind anything else, all because of this deep rooted fear that sat comfortably within his nervous system, unwilling to shift.
He could no longer blame his feelings for Jack on pure animal lust, no longer pretend that it was just his smile and charm that kept Ianto thinking about him long after they had parted. After all, if it had been a simple attraction, Ianto would have been able to forget Jack the moment after they had slept together, when all the sexual frustration and anticipation had dissipated and left them completely. No, Ianto Jones now knew that he cared for Jack so much more than that. He loved him, every single, rotten flaw and overwhelming display of arrogance. He was out of control, every little thought of Jack bringing with it a fresh sense of vigour, of life, a new smile to Ianto’s face. Half of him relished the feeling, wanted to fall deeper and faster so that all the dark ghosts that seemed to stalk him just no longer mattered anymore. But at the same time, this new found love terrified him. Deep down, he knew that Jack would never love him in the same way. His heart knew that thing’s could carry on like this, maybe for months, maybe even years, but eventually Jack Harkness would become bored with him. And, just like John Hart before him, Ianto would be left to find someone else. Alone. Again.
He had been heart broken too many times before.
Cocking his gun and clearing his throat, Ianto moved into position, realising that he had been standing there day dreaming for far too long. He straightened up, levelling his aim and letting off a steady stream of bullets, the pulse of his gun reverberating through the muscle of his arm. At least when he was in training he could try and push any thoughts of his life to the back of his head. Or at least, that was the idea anyway...
“Jack taught you that didn’t he?” A voice suddenly cut through Ianto’s mind, causing him to jump slightly. He span round, blinking hard when he saw the voice’s owner.
“What are you doing here?”
“Practicing.” John Hart smirked, lifting his right arm to show Ianto his gun. “Not that I need it of course...”
“So full of yourself aren’t you John?”
“Yeah....” He smiled, before standing beside Ianto and aiming at the same target. “But with good reason.”
“Surely if you’re so skilled, you could be making use of your time some place else?”
“True.....but I wouldn’t be able to talk to you then would I?” John smirked again, cocking his gun and quickly sending off a shower of bullets in seconds. “Not with you avoiding me like the plague recently....”
“I haven’t been avoiding you. And you could have just come to find me if you wanted to ‘talk’ so much.”
“Ahhhhh.” John smiled softly. “That’s where you’re wrong Jones. The needy act?.....Really isn’t my style.”
“And what is?”
“Hyper vodka, angry sex and mood enhancers.” He laughed, watching Ianto as he almost instinctively rolled his eyes. “Come on.....admit it, it is fun.”
“But not healthy.” Ianto shook his head. “In fifteen years time you’ll be paying to have a new liver grown.”
“Naaahhhh.....” Dropping his gun down to the floor casually, John paused, turning round to face Ianto. “I give myself ten years at the most.”
“Ten years for what?”
“To live eye candy! Surely even you aren’t so oblivious to the dangers of this job?”
“No......but isn’t that view a little pessimistic?”
“Pessimism, realism.....it’s all the same here.” The other cadet laughed. “Either way there’s no use being cautious at TARA. Best to keep thing’s short and sweet.”
“John....” Ianto’s voice was solemn as their eyes met, glaring blue against confident grey. “I don’t understand how you can be so flippant about death....”
“It’s a part of life.”
“It still deserves some respect.”
“Why?” John almost cackled, stepping closer to Ianto, his eyes glinting in the bright winter light. “If you think you’re the only cadet at TARA with a tortured past Jones.....you’re very wrong.”
“What?”
“You heard me.” He smiled, reaching out and tracing his hand across Ianto’s right arm, the muscle tensing under his calloused fingertips. “But no one cares here, that’s the point. Forget the past, forget the future and just live in the present.”
“That’s impossible.”
“No, that’s life.” John moved his hand further up Ianto’s arm, letting it glide across the fabric that covered his shoulder. “It’s all there is.”
“There has to be more....”
“Why? What’s so wrong with living for the day?”
“There must be more meaning than that...”
“Then maybe that’s what this is.” Stepping forward, John took Ianto’s gun in his hand, wrenching it from his grasp and dropping it to the floor. Ianto spun round, his face separated by two inches of air as John’s hands crept around his waist like predatory snakes. Hot breath blazed across his cheeks, almost stinging its way through the pores of his skin.
“I’m not doing this again John....”
“Do you want me to stop?”
“I told you.....I’m not doing it again.”
“That didn’t answer my question eye candy...”
“No....but I-” Ianto was cut off mid sentence as John’s lips pressed against his, absorbing every remaining syllable of doubt that was about to escape his lips. The arms around his body were tight, almost forced, and yet Ianto didn’t struggle, even if his head was screaming at him to stop. He kissed back in earnest, threading his hands up into John’s hair and pulling at it roughly, trying to recreate the pangs of regret that were already beginning to swell through his abdomen. He had sworn to himself not to do this again.....
But with this regret came something else, a twisted kind of comfort. John’s words had meant nothing Ianto, but as soon as that arrogant mouth had begun to devour his, a small glimmer of hope had begun to shine within him. He knew that Jack would never love him back, knew that he was almost running down a path that could only ever lead him to heartbreak, and yet when John kissed him, he suddenly felt less alone. Maybe if he could just let someone else in, not someone to love, but just as a distraction, then he could somehow stop the inevitable. If he could just gain some distance from Jack, gain some time to free himself of his emotions and what he felt for him, then maybe Ianto Jones might be able to save himself from the pain he could only expect. It was selfish, but if loving Jack meant that Ianto was to lose everything all over again, he was prepared to make that sacrifice.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Above him, grey skies were swirling, spinning and twisting, the blurred shapes of clouds blotting out most of the pale blue canvas. A gentle wind churned around him, as uneven and as uneasy as the sickening feeling that was now moving through his stomach.
Betrayal. He had only ever felt that once before.
Yet the feeling was just as bitter now as it had been before.
He didn’t deserve to feel it. Didn’t deserve to have that feeling swirl through his mind, the familiar wretch of bile gathering at the back of his throat. He had no right to feel so angry, no reason for him to feel so alone. After all, no promise had been broken, and no vows had ever been uttered.
And yet seeing Ianto and John together just seemed to tear into Jack’s heart.
As he watched them kiss, saw how John’s hands moved across Ianto’s body as his own had barely a few days before, Jack Harkness’ world seemed to shift out of focus. He had never known a feeling like this, never felt something so acute stab at his heart and momentarily make him wish as if he simply couldn’t see anymore. In the seconds that followed, Jack realised just how much he wanted Ianto for himself, not to have to share him with anyone else, to just know that somehow he was simply enough. Enough for Ianto. Enough for anyone. Was that monogamy? To feel as if you meant just as much to someone, as you knew deep down they meant to you? It was always subject his mother had preached to him, but at the same time something he had always sniggered at. Until now. Suddenly it didn’t seem so ridiculous anymore.
Biting his lip, Jack clenched his fists, ignoring the deep rooted anger that stemmed from his mind into his torso, making him want to leap forward and tear Ianto out of John’s grip. Instead he simply withdrew, blinking hard and trying to removes the images of them together from his mind. After all, this had been partly his choice; he had never wanted this lifestyle for himself. He had chosen the other kind of life, a loveless life where none of these complications existed anymore. After all, this life was what he had thought he had wanted, a life that reflected who he was. Jack Harkness has never thought that it was possible for him to change that….
It was ironic. The first man to mean more to him than any other and he was just as unattainable as Jack had once been.....
And so here I wait with breath that is baited, and quite possibly a small case of the nerves. Of course, I wish to know what you thought…..and so as always the pink writing has been resorted in order to ask you shamelessly for your comments. :P But seriously, this chapter has had me worried, and so your comments would mean so much! But of course, if you’ve read this far, that deserves a huge thank you in itself!!
Just Being Me a.k.a Sisi
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Click here for chapter 14!!!!
Rating: 15 to NC-17 to be safe.
Pairings: Jack/Ianto but it’s the Time Agency so expect Jack/John, Tosh/Owen, Ianto/John, Tosh/Mary, John/the consenting population of the universe……
Spoilers: Anything Torchwood could be hinted at.
Summary: Ianto Jones is thrown into the world of excess of the Time Agency Academy, but will he sink or swim? Especially when the enigmatic Jack Harkness starts looking his way…. In this chapter, everyone is feeling the effects of love, but no one is able to deal with it in the same way….
Disclaimer: Regrettably I own nothing, none of the characters, zip. Wish I did though.
Author’s Notes: So here I am….slow and steady but with more TOATA. Why has it taken so long? Family reasons I’d rather avoid and a bit of writer’s block. Cursed I am :P Anyway, it is here, in all of its confusing, slightly experimental (and quite possibly melodramatic) glory. Posting today would not have been possible without the invaluable assistance of both thehubsitter and of naddypants , who not only took the time to read through and this and tell me their thoughts, but they also both gave me the confidence to post. So thank you girls!! And as always, I hope you enjoy this chapter, and any comments you good people are kind enough to give me really do mean so so much. :)
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five A
Chapter Five B
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight A
Chapter Eight B
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven A
Chapter Eleven B
Janto Interlude
Chapter Twelve
Dedications, dedications. To the wonderful naddypants , who brightens my day with not only her fics but with her conversation too, to the amazing thehubsitter ; who keeps me coming onto msn some nights and never stops giving me the inspiration I need, and to morgia ; who has really been there for me when I have needed a virtual hug or even more importantly a giggle. You are all incredible. :)
It was amazing how easily aspects of your life could slip from your grasp.
For Ianto Jones, that particular aspect had been his friendship with Toshiko.
Every fresh tear that had fallen down her cheeks had only cemented that fact further.
Above him, grey skies were swirling, spinning and twisting, the blurred shapes of clouds blotting out most of the pale blue canvas. The sunlight seemed to rise and fall over the courtyard of the firing range, shadows forming and then disappearing in seconds on the grass. A cool mid-afternoon haze hung in the air, making the atmosphere feel almost brittle, jagged edges cutting into Ianto’s lungs every time he took in a deep breath of oxygen. Below him the apple grass had seemed to withdraw, its intense colour lost alongside the summer sun. Everything around him seemed on edge, as if waiting for something, much like Ianto himself. Although in his case, he doubted that the soft glow of spring would bring him any form of salvation.
One week had passed from that night he had spent with John, and as the days had moved on and on, Ianto had heard nothing from Toshiko. It sickened him now for him to have simply made the assumption that she was, just like him, incredibly busy. Somewhere amongst all of his own emotional drama and the stress of his technical exam the day before, Ianto had simply lost track of time, lost track of his life almost as everything seemed to spiral out of his control. Until that morning, when a garbled cry for help had arrived on his wrist strap.
“Tosh.....” He was a loss for any more words as he stepped forward into her room, pulling her into his arms and feeling her damp face press against his uniform. Her small frame was shaking against him as she sobbed, her voice muffled by his chest as she continued to cry, arms hanging limply by her sides. She had looked so lost that he had just wanted to hold her tighter, not even daring to ask her what was wrong. After all.....he should have known what was wrong. Toshiko was the one person who had looked after him without question at TARA, and yet he had somehow forgotten to return the favour....
“I’ve missed you.” After what had felt like hours, she pulled away from him, giving him a weak smile.
“I’m so sorry Tosh....I should have called, I should have at least tried-”
“Shhhh.” She paused, a slender finger pressing against his lips as her watery eyes looked into his. “It’s not your fault.”
“It is...”
“It isn’t! I wanted to call you Ianto....but I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say to you.”
“You shouldn’t have had to say anything.” Ianto sighed, gripping her shoulder in his right hand. “I should have checked...”
“You’re not my baby sitter Ianto!” She gave him a soft laugh. “I can take care of myself.” She paused, taking his hand and pulling him to sit down beside her. “I just needed space. Everything has just been happening so fast..I just feel so lost..”
“How do you mean? What’s been happening?”
“It’s stupid....I shouldn’t even be crying like this. It’s just....” She took in a deep breath, wiping at her eyes. “I just feel torn.....I don’t know what to do.”
“I don’t understand Tosh.”
“I know you don’t....I don’t expect you too.”
“Then make me. Tell me what has happened? Let me help you....”
“I don’t know where to start.”
“The beginning?”
“Logic would suggest that yes....” Toshiko paused, taking Ianto’s hand in hers and looking at him. “But I don’t even think I know where it all started anymore.....”
He hadn’t been sure what had made it happen, but right then and there the words had seemed to just spill from Tosh’s mouth, over flowing and tripping over each other in haste. In silence he sat beside her, her hand tightly clasped in his as she told him about how Owen had left her, about how she had met Mary and then more recently about what Owen had said to her. By the end of her speech Toshiko’s words were barely coherent anymore, garbled worries and rushed explantations of what Owen had said to her, of what she had wanted to say to him. It was all Ianto could do to simply let her finish, listen in an attempt to give her some kind of comfort.
“I can’t believe that he could do that to you.”Ianto paused, rubbing at her shoulder with his thumb. “I mean....to make you feel like nothing, and then suddenly tell you that you are everything.” He flinched, his own thoughts suddenly flashing to back to those of Jack. “It’s not fair.”
“But it’s not his fault. He’s just as confused as I am about this.”
“You’re defending him?” Ianto pulled away slightly, ensuring that he was able to look his friend in the eye.
“Of course I am.”
“But after all that he’s said Tosh......I’m sure even he wouldn’t blame you for hating him.”
“I know....and I’ve tried. Part of me wants to forget him and just move on.”
“Then maybe that’s what you should do.”
“ But I don’t think I can Ianto.”
“Why not?”
“Because, now that I know that he feels like this about me, its like my brain won’t let me give up on him.” She sighed softly, fiddling with his lapel. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, or why I’m even considering this. I know that he’s the one who can’t give me the stability that I want.”
“And this Mary, can she give it to you?”
“Yes, or at least she has for the short time I’ve known her.” Toshiko paused, wiping at her eyes and sniffing slightly. “I don’t want to hurt her, she doesn’t deserve it.”
“You can’t stay with her just because you feel you have to Tosh.” Ianto smiled, squeezing her shoulders comfortingly. “Sometimes hurting people is unavoidable.”
“Maybe your right. But I’m just scared........what if Owen isn’t worth it?”
“Would you be feeling like this if he wasn’t?”
“No....”
“Then it sounds like you’ve answered your own question there.” He smirked softly, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Just don’t be afraid of what you feel.”
As always, giving out advice was so much easier than listening to it yourself.
Ianto Jones was no psychologist, but he did posess the self awareness to know what he was feeling. If he had had any doubts about his own emotions, they had been shed the second that Jack’s lips had touched his, the precise moment when his heart thumped that first, adrenaline fuelled volume of blood through his brain. He had simply known, and ever since, this sudden realisation had haunted him. He had barely even talked to Jack since never mind anything else, all because of this deep rooted fear that sat comfortably within his nervous system, unwilling to shift.
He could no longer blame his feelings for Jack on pure animal lust, no longer pretend that it was just his smile and charm that kept Ianto thinking about him long after they had parted. After all, if it had been a simple attraction, Ianto would have been able to forget Jack the moment after they had slept together, when all the sexual frustration and anticipation had dissipated and left them completely. No, Ianto Jones now knew that he cared for Jack so much more than that. He loved him, every single, rotten flaw and overwhelming display of arrogance. He was out of control, every little thought of Jack bringing with it a fresh sense of vigour, of life, a new smile to Ianto’s face. Half of him relished the feeling, wanted to fall deeper and faster so that all the dark ghosts that seemed to stalk him just no longer mattered anymore. But at the same time, this new found love terrified him. Deep down, he knew that Jack would never love him in the same way. His heart knew that thing’s could carry on like this, maybe for months, maybe even years, but eventually Jack Harkness would become bored with him. And, just like John Hart before him, Ianto would be left to find someone else. Alone. Again.
He had been heart broken too many times before.
Cocking his gun and clearing his throat, Ianto moved into position, realising that he had been standing there day dreaming for far too long. He straightened up, levelling his aim and letting off a steady stream of bullets, the pulse of his gun reverberating through the muscle of his arm. At least when he was in training he could try and push any thoughts of his life to the back of his head. Or at least, that was the idea anyway...
“Jack taught you that didn’t he?” A voice suddenly cut through Ianto’s mind, causing him to jump slightly. He span round, blinking hard when he saw the voice’s owner.
“What are you doing here?”
“Practicing.” John Hart smirked, lifting his right arm to show Ianto his gun. “Not that I need it of course...”
“So full of yourself aren’t you John?”
“Yeah....” He smiled, before standing beside Ianto and aiming at the same target. “But with good reason.”
“Surely if you’re so skilled, you could be making use of your time some place else?”
“True.....but I wouldn’t be able to talk to you then would I?” John smirked again, cocking his gun and quickly sending off a shower of bullets in seconds. “Not with you avoiding me like the plague recently....”
“I haven’t been avoiding you. And you could have just come to find me if you wanted to ‘talk’ so much.”
“Ahhhhh.” John smiled softly. “That’s where you’re wrong Jones. The needy act?.....Really isn’t my style.”
“And what is?”
“Hyper vodka, angry sex and mood enhancers.” He laughed, watching Ianto as he almost instinctively rolled his eyes. “Come on.....admit it, it is fun.”
“But not healthy.” Ianto shook his head. “In fifteen years time you’ll be paying to have a new liver grown.”
“Naaahhhh.....” Dropping his gun down to the floor casually, John paused, turning round to face Ianto. “I give myself ten years at the most.”
“Ten years for what?”
“To live eye candy! Surely even you aren’t so oblivious to the dangers of this job?”
“No......but isn’t that view a little pessimistic?”
“Pessimism, realism.....it’s all the same here.” The other cadet laughed. “Either way there’s no use being cautious at TARA. Best to keep thing’s short and sweet.”
“John....” Ianto’s voice was solemn as their eyes met, glaring blue against confident grey. “I don’t understand how you can be so flippant about death....”
“It’s a part of life.”
“It still deserves some respect.”
“Why?” John almost cackled, stepping closer to Ianto, his eyes glinting in the bright winter light. “If you think you’re the only cadet at TARA with a tortured past Jones.....you’re very wrong.”
“What?”
“You heard me.” He smiled, reaching out and tracing his hand across Ianto’s right arm, the muscle tensing under his calloused fingertips. “But no one cares here, that’s the point. Forget the past, forget the future and just live in the present.”
“That’s impossible.”
“No, that’s life.” John moved his hand further up Ianto’s arm, letting it glide across the fabric that covered his shoulder. “It’s all there is.”
“There has to be more....”
“Why? What’s so wrong with living for the day?”
“There must be more meaning than that...”
“Then maybe that’s what this is.” Stepping forward, John took Ianto’s gun in his hand, wrenching it from his grasp and dropping it to the floor. Ianto spun round, his face separated by two inches of air as John’s hands crept around his waist like predatory snakes. Hot breath blazed across his cheeks, almost stinging its way through the pores of his skin.
“I’m not doing this again John....”
“Do you want me to stop?”
“I told you.....I’m not doing it again.”
“That didn’t answer my question eye candy...”
“No....but I-” Ianto was cut off mid sentence as John’s lips pressed against his, absorbing every remaining syllable of doubt that was about to escape his lips. The arms around his body were tight, almost forced, and yet Ianto didn’t struggle, even if his head was screaming at him to stop. He kissed back in earnest, threading his hands up into John’s hair and pulling at it roughly, trying to recreate the pangs of regret that were already beginning to swell through his abdomen. He had sworn to himself not to do this again.....
But with this regret came something else, a twisted kind of comfort. John’s words had meant nothing Ianto, but as soon as that arrogant mouth had begun to devour his, a small glimmer of hope had begun to shine within him. He knew that Jack would never love him back, knew that he was almost running down a path that could only ever lead him to heartbreak, and yet when John kissed him, he suddenly felt less alone. Maybe if he could just let someone else in, not someone to love, but just as a distraction, then he could somehow stop the inevitable. If he could just gain some distance from Jack, gain some time to free himself of his emotions and what he felt for him, then maybe Ianto Jones might be able to save himself from the pain he could only expect. It was selfish, but if loving Jack meant that Ianto was to lose everything all over again, he was prepared to make that sacrifice.
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Above him, grey skies were swirling, spinning and twisting, the blurred shapes of clouds blotting out most of the pale blue canvas. A gentle wind churned around him, as uneven and as uneasy as the sickening feeling that was now moving through his stomach.
Betrayal. He had only ever felt that once before.
Yet the feeling was just as bitter now as it had been before.
He didn’t deserve to feel it. Didn’t deserve to have that feeling swirl through his mind, the familiar wretch of bile gathering at the back of his throat. He had no right to feel so angry, no reason for him to feel so alone. After all, no promise had been broken, and no vows had ever been uttered.
And yet seeing Ianto and John together just seemed to tear into Jack’s heart.
As he watched them kiss, saw how John’s hands moved across Ianto’s body as his own had barely a few days before, Jack Harkness’ world seemed to shift out of focus. He had never known a feeling like this, never felt something so acute stab at his heart and momentarily make him wish as if he simply couldn’t see anymore. In the seconds that followed, Jack realised just how much he wanted Ianto for himself, not to have to share him with anyone else, to just know that somehow he was simply enough. Enough for Ianto. Enough for anyone. Was that monogamy? To feel as if you meant just as much to someone, as you knew deep down they meant to you? It was always subject his mother had preached to him, but at the same time something he had always sniggered at. Until now. Suddenly it didn’t seem so ridiculous anymore.
Biting his lip, Jack clenched his fists, ignoring the deep rooted anger that stemmed from his mind into his torso, making him want to leap forward and tear Ianto out of John’s grip. Instead he simply withdrew, blinking hard and trying to removes the images of them together from his mind. After all, this had been partly his choice; he had never wanted this lifestyle for himself. He had chosen the other kind of life, a loveless life where none of these complications existed anymore. After all, this life was what he had thought he had wanted, a life that reflected who he was. Jack Harkness has never thought that it was possible for him to change that….
It was ironic. The first man to mean more to him than any other and he was just as unattainable as Jack had once been.....
And so here I wait with breath that is baited, and quite possibly a small case of the nerves. Of course, I wish to know what you thought…..and so as always the pink writing has been resorted in order to ask you shamelessly for your comments. :P But seriously, this chapter has had me worried, and so your comments would mean so much! But of course, if you’ve read this far, that deserves a huge thank you in itself!!
Just Being Me a.k.a Sisi
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Click here for chapter 14!!!!