Phoenix Rising
Title: Phoenix Rising
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1
Prompt: 40, Phoenix
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Jude,
After that last letter I got from you, I started thinking about us a lot. Sometimes I feel like it's not fair to you for me to expect you to wait all this time for a man who might, in the end, not be coming back to you. I don't want you to have to live like that.
And I might come back changed in a lot of ways. I don't mean my feelings for you will change. I can tell you right now, with every bit of assurance in the world, that will never happen. I love you more every day. That's never going to change.
I just worry that I'll be messed up in the head because of everything I've seen and done. And I don't want you to have to deal with that. I don't want you to be stuck taking care of a guy who's pretty much useless because of war experiences.
I'm not going to lean on you, or force you to be my caretaker. And no, that doesn't mean that I want us to break up! I've already told you that I'm going to hold onto you no matter what. I just don't want you to be with somebody who's completely fucked up.
I don't know that I'll come back like that. I hope I won't. But a lot of guys do, and we've both seen some of them. I shudder every time I think that I could end up like those guys -- and that you could spend the rest of your life with somebody that hopeless.
What are you going to do if I happen to come back like that? I don't want you to spend your time sitting around in a mental hospital or taking me to doctors' appointments every day. And I don't want you to start feeling like you resent me.
I hate even saying that. I have these horrible dreams about you saying that you're tired of being with me, that this isn't what you signed up for when we first met and that you can't be with me any more. That you need to find somebody who can be more of a man.
Yeah, I know that's not going to happen. I know you're not the kind of person who'd back out on me and end our relationship just because of what this war might do to me. But I'm scared, Jude. I'm scared of losing you and not knowing how to get you back.
Everything about this fucking war scares the hell out of me. I'm scared of the bombs. I'm scared of what I might have to do on any given day. I'm scared that the things I've seen and done while I've been over here are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Most of all, I'm scared about how we're going to be when I do get back home to you. I'm scared that we'll be all awkward with each other and not know how to act. I'm scared that all this will have built up walls between us that we won't be able to get over.
I keep telling myself that isn't going to happen, that you and me have never had those awkward moments and that we never will. We skipped over all that when we first met. It was like we'd always known each other and always been in love.
I don't want that feeling to change. I don't ever want us to feel like there's a chasm between us. There never has been, not since that first night when I ran into the room you were staying in to hide from those guys who were chasing me.
It's just really hard not worry about what might happen. I can't see the future. I don't know if I'd want to, because then there wouldn't be any sense in living through the present, would there? But just this once, I'd like to know if we end up okay.
How are things going to work out for us? I guess that's something that neither of us can know. All I can say is that I want us to come out of this stronger than we've ever been, even though I know that's not going to be easy for either one of us.
I'm going to come back to you with all my faculties intact. I know I'll be kind of messed up from all the things I've had to do and all the ugliness I've seen, but I'm going to try my best to still be the man you fell in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with.
I hope I'll be like the phoenix rising up out of the ashes. I might not be the old Max, because I came over here kind of innocent in a lot of ways, and I know that I've changed because of all that I've seen. But I can hope that in some ways, I'll be better.
Maybe I won't be exactly the same, but I do know that there's one thing about me that'll never change in any way, no matter how long I live and how much I see and do that changes everything else about the person I am.
I'll never change the way I feel about you. Even if I'm a phoenix that comes back to you a completely changed guy, I'll still love you. And I know that I'll love you and appreciate what we have even more now that we've had to be apart for so long.
I know it's scary to think of me changing and coming back to you a different man. But I won't change all that much, Jude. I promise you that. I'm not going to be exactly the same. I know that I've already changed in some ways, and I can't turn back the clock.
But the core of who I am won't change. I might be a phoenix and burn myself out over here and rise up from those ashes, but the one thing I know that I'll always carry with me is how much I love you. That's always going to be a constant in my life.
I hope that I won't change too much, Jude. I don't want to. But you can rest assured that my feelings for you aren't ever going to change. Even if I come back to you a little different, you'll still be getting back the same love in the same heart.
Love always,
Max
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1
Prompt: 40, Phoenix
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Jude,
After that last letter I got from you, I started thinking about us a lot. Sometimes I feel like it's not fair to you for me to expect you to wait all this time for a man who might, in the end, not be coming back to you. I don't want you to have to live like that.
And I might come back changed in a lot of ways. I don't mean my feelings for you will change. I can tell you right now, with every bit of assurance in the world, that will never happen. I love you more every day. That's never going to change.
I just worry that I'll be messed up in the head because of everything I've seen and done. And I don't want you to have to deal with that. I don't want you to be stuck taking care of a guy who's pretty much useless because of war experiences.
I'm not going to lean on you, or force you to be my caretaker. And no, that doesn't mean that I want us to break up! I've already told you that I'm going to hold onto you no matter what. I just don't want you to be with somebody who's completely fucked up.
I don't know that I'll come back like that. I hope I won't. But a lot of guys do, and we've both seen some of them. I shudder every time I think that I could end up like those guys -- and that you could spend the rest of your life with somebody that hopeless.
What are you going to do if I happen to come back like that? I don't want you to spend your time sitting around in a mental hospital or taking me to doctors' appointments every day. And I don't want you to start feeling like you resent me.
I hate even saying that. I have these horrible dreams about you saying that you're tired of being with me, that this isn't what you signed up for when we first met and that you can't be with me any more. That you need to find somebody who can be more of a man.
Yeah, I know that's not going to happen. I know you're not the kind of person who'd back out on me and end our relationship just because of what this war might do to me. But I'm scared, Jude. I'm scared of losing you and not knowing how to get you back.
Everything about this fucking war scares the hell out of me. I'm scared of the bombs. I'm scared of what I might have to do on any given day. I'm scared that the things I've seen and done while I've been over here are going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
Most of all, I'm scared about how we're going to be when I do get back home to you. I'm scared that we'll be all awkward with each other and not know how to act. I'm scared that all this will have built up walls between us that we won't be able to get over.
I keep telling myself that isn't going to happen, that you and me have never had those awkward moments and that we never will. We skipped over all that when we first met. It was like we'd always known each other and always been in love.
I don't want that feeling to change. I don't ever want us to feel like there's a chasm between us. There never has been, not since that first night when I ran into the room you were staying in to hide from those guys who were chasing me.
It's just really hard not worry about what might happen. I can't see the future. I don't know if I'd want to, because then there wouldn't be any sense in living through the present, would there? But just this once, I'd like to know if we end up okay.
How are things going to work out for us? I guess that's something that neither of us can know. All I can say is that I want us to come out of this stronger than we've ever been, even though I know that's not going to be easy for either one of us.
I'm going to come back to you with all my faculties intact. I know I'll be kind of messed up from all the things I've had to do and all the ugliness I've seen, but I'm going to try my best to still be the man you fell in love with and want to spend the rest of your life with.
I hope I'll be like the phoenix rising up out of the ashes. I might not be the old Max, because I came over here kind of innocent in a lot of ways, and I know that I've changed because of all that I've seen. But I can hope that in some ways, I'll be better.
Maybe I won't be exactly the same, but I do know that there's one thing about me that'll never change in any way, no matter how long I live and how much I see and do that changes everything else about the person I am.
I'll never change the way I feel about you. Even if I'm a phoenix that comes back to you a completely changed guy, I'll still love you. And I know that I'll love you and appreciate what we have even more now that we've had to be apart for so long.
I know it's scary to think of me changing and coming back to you a different man. But I won't change all that much, Jude. I promise you that. I'm not going to be exactly the same. I know that I've already changed in some ways, and I can't turn back the clock.
But the core of who I am won't change. I might be a phoenix and burn myself out over here and rise up from those ashes, but the one thing I know that I'll always carry with me is how much I love you. That's always going to be a constant in my life.
I hope that I won't change too much, Jude. I don't want to. But you can rest assured that my feelings for you aren't ever going to change. Even if I come back to you a little different, you'll still be getting back the same love in the same heart.
Love always,
Max