So I have this coworker, and I really like her. We talk a lot, and we goof a bit, and we have a good time together, and I value her opinions. She's a smart girl. But she does one thing that I. CAN'T. STAND
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I grew up with all these rednecks who called each other "queer" in place of stupid. Actually they said "queeah." They didn't use gay that way back then, not where I'm from. (Rural Maine.) Anyway, it wasn't until I went back to college in 2003 that I started hearing lots of people, presumably civilized people, using the term "gay" as an insult. It seems like regression. It really fing bothers me. I think the worst part is that I'd expect that from some hillbilly. But not from a woman in a suit at the university. And not from a classmate next to me in an upper level policy class.
I just handle it by having a shocked look on my face and saying "what did you say?!" It usually makes them feel like an asshole. Which they are.
Yeah, I'm ashamed to say that we said "wicked queeah" when we were younger also. It wasn't until much, much later that I learned that "queeah" = "queer" = sexual minorities. Color me shocked! We never said "gay" or "homo" or anything like that so I didn't make the connection. And I always thought it was a geographical thing (like us losers in the NE said 'queer' and the rest of the world said 'gay'). *shrug*
And so when she busted out the 'queer' thing I figured it was a throwback to childhood, and I told her it bugged me, and whatever. But now with the addition of "gay," well shit... I haven't heard someone that I /like/ saying "so gay" in, oh, ever.
It's such a foreign world to me! My friend is an asshole! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN AND WHAT DOES HER GAY ROOMMATE THINK???!?!?!
I think you really need to confront her about it. Let her know that it really bothers you a lot. I would say that when she's around other people she can say whatever the fuck she wants, but you're asking her to not say those things around you. I wouldn't try and argue with her - if she argues just stand your ground. Honestly, no matter how cool she is if she won't stop I wouldn't hang out with her anymore. Someone disrespecting you like that and not willing to change is not worth my time.
Re: whoops, sorryjudecorpJuly 16 2006, 15:47:05 UTC
Yeah, I think you're right that I need to confront her on it again... but when we're alone and not in a crowd of people. I don't think I've ever in my life had a friend that used "so gay" in conversation so it is a foreign world to me. It's always been people I couldn't care less about.
I don't know that her refusal to change is in some way a disrespect to me because I don't know that I've absolutely laid down the "this makes me uncomfortable, please stop" smackdown, but it's going to come up and I guess we'll go from there. I just share an office with this person and don't really want a million uncomfortable moments in the workplace.
How old is she? I've found that people in their 20s really do use queer/gay like that and don't get the association with the homosexual community. It's... disturbing.
It seems she doesn't think enough of you to filter out something that offends you, whether she understands why it does nor not. Chalk it up to emotional immaturity and a general insensitivity to friends.
She's my age... well maybe I have a year or two on her - I'd say 28 or 29. Old enough to know better, especially because one of her best friends is some gay dude. *shrug* But yeah, I think it's become so (yuck) commonplace that people can say, "Oh, but I don't mean GAY" and that's somehow acceptable, like there are two different words and one really means "stupid" or that it didn't /begin/ by slandering queer people. Argh!
But I think you make a valid point when you say that she isn't thinking enough of me to filter something out that offends me. I hadn't really thought about it that way before, but you're right. If someone I cared about was bothered by something I said, I sure wouldn't say it to them.
Yeah, I just turned 29......no excuse whatsoever as far as I see it.
When I taught in an urban district, I found that my students were prone to using "gay." I asked them if it would be acceptable for me to say "that's so black" if I meant stupid-- they said no. I said, "Then you understand why I have a problem with you using "gay" like that in my presence."
I'd keep stressing the "in your presence" thing. That is bothers you, that you think she's basically a cool person and like her, but her use of "gay" and "queer" make it difficult for you to hang out with her. I found that approach to work well with students for all sorts of words/phrases that bugged me (the n-word, "shut up," gay)-- I would tell them I didn't care what they did when I wasn't around (even though I did!) but I didn't want to hear it, and would they refrain from using it out of consideration to me. Maybe even say that you know that's not how she meant it but it still bugs you.
Sadly she belongs to no disenfranchised group except womanhood, and I don't think she's really all that hip to the women's movement and might not really think she's oppressed in any way, so saying "that's so WOMAN" probably wouldn't mean anything. Which is sad.
I think you make a good point when you put it on me. I mean, this is really about me, what bothers me, what is hurtful to me. Sure I'd prefer that she never ever does it again, but I'd really like (as a priority) for her to not say it in my presence ever again. Then I can blissfully pretend it doesn't exist.
I'm just really afraid of making for an uncomfortable and awkward work environment if she gets ticked by what I say. :(
I had a similar thing happen to me with an old coworker. She called EVERYTHING queer. And I got on her case about it, because it bothers the hell out of me, and she used the same "Oh I just meant it like 'strange' excuse." No matter how much I told her it bothered me, she wouldn't stop. The sad part is, one day I called her on it in front of most of the office (and remember these are all supposed hardcore liberal, Bush-hating, vegetarian folks) and they ALL told me I was overreacting and that it totally just means 'strange'. They had no idea that, yes, even if that word did/does mean that, the other definition is totally more prevalent, and that's what people think when you use it.
I was shocked that everyone took her side. And dismayed. And so I just had to listen to that girl AND THEN MY MANAGER (the one who fired me) use it for the rest of the time I was there.
How old is she? She's in human services, so IMO she should have the sensitivity to at least recognize that if it bothers you, it bothers you, no matter what she "means" by it.
I hope she hears you this time. Good luck talking to her, if that's what you choose to do.
I think she's in her late 20s, 28 or 29. She's definitely close in age to me, and she's a licensed counselor. So I agree that she should totally know better. I guess I hold people in the social services to a higher standard. (Because they're the best!)
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It seems like regression. It really fing bothers me. I think the worst part is that I'd expect that from some hillbilly. But not from a woman in a suit at the university. And not from a classmate next to me in an upper level policy class.
I just handle it by having a shocked look on my face and saying "what did you say?!" It usually makes them feel like an asshole. Which they are.
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And so when she busted out the 'queer' thing I figured it was a throwback to childhood, and I told her it bugged me, and whatever. But now with the addition of "gay," well shit... I haven't heard someone that I /like/ saying "so gay" in, oh, ever.
It's such a foreign world to me! My friend is an asshole! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN AND WHAT DOES HER GAY ROOMMATE THINK???!?!?!
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I don't know that her refusal to change is in some way a disrespect to me because I don't know that I've absolutely laid down the "this makes me uncomfortable, please stop" smackdown, but it's going to come up and I guess we'll go from there. I just share an office with this person and don't really want a million uncomfortable moments in the workplace.
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It seems she doesn't think enough of you to filter out something that offends you, whether she understands why it does nor not. Chalk it up to emotional immaturity and a general insensitivity to friends.
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But I think you make a valid point when you say that she isn't thinking enough of me to filter something out that offends me. I hadn't really thought about it that way before, but you're right. If someone I cared about was bothered by something I said, I sure wouldn't say it to them.
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When I taught in an urban district, I found that my students were prone to using "gay." I asked them if it would be acceptable for me to say "that's so black" if I meant stupid-- they said no. I said, "Then you understand why I have a problem with you using "gay" like that in my presence."
I'd keep stressing the "in your presence" thing. That is bothers you, that you think she's basically a cool person and like her, but her use of "gay" and "queer" make it difficult for you to hang out with her. I found that approach to work well with students for all sorts of words/phrases that bugged me (the n-word, "shut up," gay)-- I would tell them I didn't care what they did when I wasn't around (even though I did!) but I didn't want to hear it, and would they refrain from using it out of consideration to me. Maybe even say that you know that's not how she meant it but it still bugs you.
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I think you make a good point when you put it on me. I mean, this is really about me, what bothers me, what is hurtful to me. Sure I'd prefer that she never ever does it again, but I'd really like (as a priority) for her to not say it in my presence ever again. Then I can blissfully pretend it doesn't exist.
I'm just really afraid of making for an uncomfortable and awkward work environment if she gets ticked by what I say. :(
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I was shocked that everyone took her side. And dismayed. And so I just had to listen to that girl AND THEN MY MANAGER (the one who fired me) use it for the rest of the time I was there.
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Unfortunately, since I'm not really gay, I doubt that lawsuit would go anywhere.
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How old is she? She's in human services, so IMO she should have the sensitivity to at least recognize that if it bothers you, it bothers you, no matter what she "means" by it.
I hope she hears you this time. Good luck talking to her, if that's what you choose to do.
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Thank you for the luck. :)
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