When We Were Kings (Part Six: Sorry Eyes of Those Left Behind)
Part Five
Pairing: HimUp, HimLo
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.5K
Sorry eyes of those left behind
When we were kids do these thing we oblige
If you find yourself alone, with no need to call home
Will you come back
- (X)
The best thing about being home was the smiles his mother gave him every time he walked into the same room as her. The way her whole face would light up and she'd reach for him, stroke his cheek, pat his hair, any excuse to make sure he was really there. And when he was sleeping he would hear her sneak into his room and pull his covers up like he was still seven and scared of the dark.
Those moments helped Himchan ease his way back into the real world and away from the mindset of rehab where he had a strict schedule and was kept busy from the moment he awoke to when he was allowed to go to sleep.
Between leaving rehab and Youngjae's wedding wasn't near enough time for him and as the big day approached he could feel his anxiety creeping upward towards panic levels. His mother tried to convince him to skip it. She argued that Youngjae would understand if he wasn't ready yet and maybe later on they could plan a group outing together.
But Himchan felt that it was now or never. If he didn't try his hardest every single day, even when it was hard, he'd never succeed in being normal again.
"Tomorrow's the day," Junhong threw his suitcase onto Himchan's bed and hung his suit up neatly in the closet. "I can't believe it's finally here. Yongguk eloped and we all found out about it the next day, so this is kind of like the first big marriage in the band."
Himchan watched Junhong casually rummage through his dresser and thought about asking what he was looking for but decided against it. There was nothing there for Junhong to find anyway.
"We have to be there at four and it's a five hour drive from here so we should probably get going by one at the latest. I'll want to eat someplace on the way."
"You always want to eat. That's why Yongguk used to tell you to pack snacks in your bags for the road."
Junhong grinned cheekily and pulled Himchan down to the bed, wrapping long legs around his waist. "And I always got mad about it. I need a real sit-down meal. I'm a growing boy and I can't survive off candy bars and potato chips."
"I think your growing days are over. You're just a giant man-child," Himchan tried to calm his shaky breaths before Junhong noticed. Being constantly touched was still touchy for him after so many years of living alone. Even his mother would only allow herself a few small seconds of affection before backing away and giving him space. "You weigh a ton."
"I told you," Junhong pressed him harder into the bed and laughed at Himchan's muffled oomph. "Growing boy."
They were quiet for a moment and Himchan felt himself slowly relaxing into the tight hold. It was actually kind of nice to feel someone beside him. Junhong's breath was warm and even on his neck and before long Himchan was drifting into the drowsy waters of falling asleep.
"Himchan?" Junhong's quiet murmur did nothing to pull him back to full wakefulness. "Himchan. Wake up."
"No," He turned his head further into his pillow and groaned as fingers poked sharply into his belly. "We're having a nice moment here, Junhong. Don't ruin it."
Junhong slid harder against him and used an arm to brace himself onto the bed so Himchan was immobile. "We need to talk about the band before you show up at the wedding tomorrow. You need to know what all you're walking into."
He'd told Junhong during one of their rehab phone conversations that he didn't own a computer and had no idea what anyone else had been up to in their years of disbandment. Junhong hadn't seemed surprised that he'd chosen to distance himself so completely from how everyone else had moved on.
"Uh-uh," He tried in vain to free himself but Junhong was stronger and healthier than he was and he did nothing to budge him. "I don't want to, not yet, not right now."
"You already know how Yongguk is. Married with a son and working as a producer. I'm in college, you knew that, too. But you didn't ask who Yongguk works with or what he's producing. It's Daehyun. He put out an album about a year ago and it did pretty well. He and Yongguk are working on the next one right now." He felt pride for his former bandmate mixed with jealousy that Daehyun had done so well for himself while his whole world had fallen apart.
"Good," He struggled some more, managing to free an arm and use it to pry at Junhong's knotted fingers. "Now let me go."
Junhong used his chin to nudge against Himchan's spine, making him yelp in pain. "Youngjae works for his father and is going to school to be an accountant. We started college at the same time but he's smarter than me so he's going to graduate first. He did extra classes each semester and has fun rubbing it into my face. Don't be surprised if he says something about me being a slacker tomorrow."
No, no, no, Himchan thought frantically, using every ounce of strength he had in his still recovering body to shove at Junhong's frozen arms. "Don't tell me, please Junhong, pl-"
"Jongup still lives in the city," Junhong had to have known the words were like daggers into Himchan's ears. "He started a dance company and they're still up-and-coming but he's really proud of it. Sometimes I take one of his classes so I can see him again." Himchan's breaths were so loud in the quiet room that Junhong had to stop and let him recover before he could continue. "I told you we're friends again but it's still hard for him to be around me. He acts like I’m just someone he used to go to school with or a distant cousin or something. Not like we lived together and were best friends for years."
Losing Jongup was hard for both of them in different ways. They had that in common, Himchan thought as he stopped fighting and let Junhong carefully rock him in his arms. "I'm sorry."
"It wasn't your fault," Junhong spoke casually but Himchan could hear the raw pain in his voice. "You wouldn't have kept him anyways. Not the way you were. You would have broken him apart, Himchan, you know that." He laughed humorlessly against Himchan's back. "Maybe I did you a favor that night. If I hadn't of begged you for those things you would have ruined Jongup's life even more."
He hated that Junhong was right.
"But…" Junhong took a deep breath and Himchan braced himself for what he knew was coming. There was more about Jongup that Junhong knew would hurt him and he just didn't know how to say it. "Himchan you need to know now, before you walk in and see it and have a nervous breakdown." Himchan closed his eyes and bit down onto his tongue. Whatever Junhong was about to say was going to make him want to whimper and he needed to be ready. "He's had a girlfriend for the past two years, Himchan. They're engaged."
The whimper came anyway.
---
"You're doing great. You've only thrown up two times and it's already three o'clock," Himchan knew Junhong was trying to make him feel better but even just mentioning throwing up was making the salad he'd had for lunch want to climb back up his throat. He was glad he'd chosen the healthy option over the greasy cheeseburger Junhong had scarfed down. "Daehyun texted me that he's already there getting suited up. I can't believe Youngjae made him best man. That's a cringe worthy toast and a media scandal waiting to happen right there."
He nodded, not even listening as Junhong casually chatted next to him. "Do we have to all sit together? The rest of us?"
Junhong glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. "Not if you don't want to. Do you want it to just be us two?"
Yongguk was okay. He could sit between them and feel safe. But it would look weird if they sat together and Jongup wasn't included. Himchan didn't think he could sit next to Jongup just yet. He really wanted to make it out of the wedding without seeing him at all. Let the tension build up at the reception where it would be easier to hide.
"Yes," He reached for the half-empty bottle of water Junhong had bought him at the gas station and gulped down the remainder of it. "Will Guk be mad?"
"Nah," Junhong grabbed for his sweaty hand and smiled at him. "He'll understand, I promise. And you can sit by him at the reception. The kid's leaving and I haven't seen Yongguk let loose in a while. Hopefully he'll pull the stick out of his ass tonight and have some fun."
As long as fun didn't include drinking anywhere near him. He was doing well so far but his sponsor kept warning him that it wouldn't take much to fall over the edge and back into his addictions.
Junhong drove quietly for a while, humming along under his breath to the radio. Himchan used the time to calm his heartbeats, pressing his warm face against the cold window and breathing in slowly and deeply until he felt under control again.
In a way, a very tiny almost nonexistent way, he was glad that Jongup had a fiancé and was happy. He deserved it. He deserved someone waiting for him after long days where Himchan knew he pushed himself to the point of exhaustion, he always had. Jongup would practice in the dance studio until his feet throbbed and his breath came in tiny wheezing gasps and he'd have to hold him as they hobbled into the dorm together.
Now he had someone else to hold him.
And it hurts like hell, Himchan thought bitterly.
"Daehyun says he's so excited to see you that he might cry and mess his eyeliner up," Junhong snorted as he handed his phone over to the passenger side. "And that if anyone gets a picture of his smeared makeup and puts it on Twitter he's going to kill us all."
That was the ridiculous Daehyun that Himchan remembered and it was enough to distract him from wondering what Jongup's girlfriend looked like and if she would be nice. If she was nice to him Himchan would probably scream.
"Can I text him back? Is that okay?"
Junhong turned to him and smiled, "I think Daehyun would smear his makeup a little early and I won't get a good enough picture to post, but yeah, it's okay. He would love it actually."
I miss you, too. But please come at me slow. :)
Daehyun immediately replied back with a screen full of exclamation points and smiley faces, making Himchan laugh.
"I hope it runs down his cheeks and he looks like a sad emo clown," Junhong mused, glancing at the screen. The text alert went off again while he held it and before Himchan could see what it said Junhong was quickly slipping it back into his pocket.
"What'd he type?" He tried to reach for the phone but Junhong batted his hands away. "What was it?"
"Nothing," Junhong tapped nervously on the steering wheel and Himchan could see his jaw tighten. "Just that Jongup is there."
Himchan sat back in his seat with a frown. "Oh," He went back to pressing his face to the window and letting it do its magic in cooling his flushed skin down. "Well it wasn't a surprise that he was coming. I'm okay, Junhong."
Junhong reached between the seats and grabbed for his hand. "I won't leave your side for a second. He can't do anything to you."
He didn't think Jongup was angry at him and would try something, that was never in his head. Jongup was always so gentle and sweet even when Himchan annoyed him to the point of torture. No, he wasn't scared of him. But Jongup had the power to tear him back down to the way he was with just one disgusted look and Himchan was terrified of that.
The best thing he had learned from his many, many doctors in rehab was that no matter what he wanted or what someone wanted for him, he had to do what was best for his state of mind. If never seeing Jongup again would keep him on the right path to recovery he should do it.
But this wedding was unavoidable and deep down Himchan knew he had the largest apology of his life to make. After when it was over he could move on and get better. Tomorrow would be a new day, he kept telling himself. Tomorrow this would all be over and he could put Jongup behind him once and for all.
---
"Okay, I'm going to call Yongguk and tell him we're in the parking lot. You stay right here in the car until we come back and get you. I'll tell him you want us to sit by ourselves during the ceremony but he will want to walk with you inside. Is that alright?"
Junhong should have been going to school to be a therapist, Himchan mused as he nodded his assent. No matter how much of a handful patient he was, Junhong had never stopped being so calm and sweet with him. He would never have made it this far without him.
The car was so quiet and stifling while Junhong was gone that Himchan felt his chest tighten in anxiety. He was starting to sweat through his brand new suit his mom had bought him the week before. It was scratchy and too loose on his frame but he was pleased to notice it wasn't as loose as it would have been three months ago.
At least the other members never had to seem him at his absolute lowest. The Himchan they were reintroducing themselves too was close to the one they remembered.
Junhong knocked on the window, startling him out of his thoughts.
"You ready?" He held the door open and Yongguk reached a hand in to pull him out. "The church is already pretty filled up but there are some empty seats in the back still. We'll sit closest to the door so if you need to leave you can slip out easily. Youngjae won't mind."
"He's just glad you're here," Yongguk spoke up. "Everyone is. There are a lot of people inside who care about you. Youngjae's mom has already asked me four times when you were going to get here. She said she brought you some homemade soup." He laughed and held the church door open for Himchan. "Said her grandparents swore by it. I don't know how she had the time to make it while getting ready for the wedding."
Himchan wasn't paying attention, his gaze was focused straight ahead of him because if he let his eyes linger too long he knew he would find Jongup instantly. This way he only had to look at the stained glass windows and the life-sized statues in the back.
"Just breathe, Himchan," Whereas Yongguk was trying to diffuse the tension with words, Junhong knew Himchan needed quiet and gentle reminders that he had to inhale occasionally. Fingers slipped between his own and Himchan squeezed them tightly in appreciation. "We're going to go to the right and sit down. You're doing great."
He let Junhong lead him and slid down onto the seat, grateful when his shaky legs could finally rest. "Where is he?"
"Towards the front. He's trying to look at you but Yongguk's in the way."
What would Jongup think when he saw him again? Would he be relieved he was yanked away from Himchan before his life was ruined? Would he pity him?
"My wife is sitting in the row behind Jongup. I'll block his view so you don't have to worry about seeing him," Yongguk leaned down and pressed his forehead against Himchan's clammy one. "I'm damn proud of you, Channie."
He could look up and see him in the thirty seconds it took Yongguk to make his way back to the front. He could have one good look, make eye contact, mouth a whispered I'm sorry to him. But it wasn't enough. Jongup was owed a proper apology. With sincerity and spoken regrets.
"Yongguk's back in his seat," Junhong leaned back and sighed. "This is going to be a long night."
Himchan let Junhong wrap an arm over his shoulder and settled comfortably against him. He had finally remembered how much he loved being affectionate with his bandmates and was grateful Junhong kept making excuses to touch him as comfort. "I'm sorry I'm such a downer. You don't have to babysit me if you want to sit somewhere else. I'll be fine."
Junhong laughed as he yanked him sideways, lips brushing against the newly cut hair above Himchan's ear. "You're not a downer. You're sick and you need support. I'm glad it's me you trust the most to do it. After everything that happened back then I'm just happy you still talk to me."
"You're pretty much the only friend I have," Himchan admitted, smiling at him and patting his hair back down. "I would have killed myself a long time ago if it wasn't for you."
The smile slid off Junhong's face and pursed lips replaced it. "Don't say stuff like that. It hurts because that was always my biggest worry about you."
He patted Junhong's leg. "I thought about it a few times," He admitted. "But I was too big of a wimp, I guess. It's over now though. I'm scared and I might throw up some more tonight, but I'm not going to hurt myself over it."
"Good," Junhong tried to smile again but it was pained and Himchan mentally kicked himself for trying to joke when Junhong had already made it clear he hated how dark his joking was. "You have got to be kidding me..."
"What?" His hand tensed on Junhong's leg, making him hiss when nails dug into the soft flesh. "What's wrong?"
Instead of panicking, Junhong shook with quiet laughter and nodded his head towards the window.
When Himchan turned around he was met with the crazed eyes of Daehyun waving through the window, hands slapping excitedly at the glass. His lips were moving a mile a minute and the glass was getting so fogged up by his breath that Himchan couldn't tell what he was saying. There was one final thump against the window before he was grabbed by the collar of his tux and jerked away.
"Well he's happy to see me at least," Himchan chuckled, standing up beside Junhong when the music sounded from the organ. "Two more to go."
As if he knew he was being talked about, Youngjae and the priest opened the church doors and stepped through. He smiled and waved at the people holding cameras out and did a double take when he noticed Junhong and Himchan in the back row. With a wide grin he winked at Himchan as he passed.
The wedding party started to slowly file through the doorway, first the flower girl, then the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Daehyun came last with the maid of honor, his eyes already seeking Himchan out before he'd taken two steps.
"Himchan!" He stage-whispered, waving his free arm. "Hi! It's me, Jung Daehyun!"
Junhong lowered his head and muttered under his breath about what an embarrassment he was.
"I know," Himchan mouthed back. "Hi!"
The wedding party was stalled as Daehyun stopped beside them. "I'll talk to you later, okay? I have to do this wedding thing first."
Youngjae stepped towards the microphone in front of the priest and tapped loudly on it. "If you could let me get my wedding started that would be great, Dae."
"Shit, okay." He gave Himchan one last grin and went back to the annoyed maid of honor who was waiting huffily behind him. "Sorry doll face."
"He hasn't changed a bit," Himchan murmured contentedly to Junhong.
Junhong snorted and turned towards the door where the bride was entering. "Still the same old Daehyun," He said fondly, smiling as Daehyun tripped walking up the steps. "Did I tell you he stopped going to therapy?"
They sat back in their seats, Junhong's arm coming back to rest around Himchan's back. They both held back laughs as Daehyun continued to crane his head around and look at them.
"I figured he had," Himchan wanted so badly to let his eyes swing to the right but ordered himself to keep looking at Daehyun's ecstatic grin. "If he's performing again I knew he was better."
"He is," Junhong agreed. They were quiet for a minute while Youngjae and his new bride said their vows. "Jongup's scooted over and keeps looking back here. Yongguk isn't letting him get a good look and it's pissing him off."
Himchan frowned and let Junhong pull him in closer.
"Now he's glaring at me. He must think we're together," Junhong snickered under his breath as he leaned over and put his lips to Himchan's ear. "I always found a way to slip you into our conversations just to see how he would react. I know it was mean but he's been so cold to me for years and I wanted him to think there was more to us than I told him about."
"If he has a girlfriend he must not have cared too much."
"Maybe," Junhong sat up straight and scratched his nails gently across Himchan's damp neck. "He knows I'm gay at least so it's not too farfetched that we could be together."
The wedding was over and everyone was standing before Himchan could reply. Junhong had to huffily reach down and help him to his feet so they could applaud the newly married couple coming down the aisle.
"You're gay?" Himchan tried to whisper but the church was so loud he worried someone might accidentally overhear. "Since when?"
Junhong looked over his shoulder and smirked at him, "Me between your legs wasn't a big enough hint? Since I was thirteen, Himchan."
"But I just thought you were drunk and out of it and I just happened to be there." This news shocked Himchan. He never had an inkling that Junhong preferred boys. Even when they were a band Junhong always commented on how pretty some of their female fans were. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Mmhmm," Junhong clapped politely as Youngjae stepped past them. "It's not really serious yet but it might be. One day. I'm pretty sure he's already half in love with me."
"Himchan!" Daehyun slid into their row, leaving the bridesmaid alone and even angrier than before. Slim arms reached towards him but Junhong blocked his way with a hand to the chest. "I just want to hug him!"
Junhong shook his head and shoved Daehyun hard out of their row. "He said take it slow. Don't attack him. This is why you couldn't come to visitation day with us."
Daehyun pouted as he stormed out of the pew and grabbed the maid of honor's arm. "Fine. But I get a hug at the reception and you can't stop me!"
They started letting the guests out row by row, starting with the front. Himchan grew bored of waiting and he knew if he let himself get distracted he would instinctively seek out Jongup so he passed the time by playing with Junhong's hair.
"You need a haircut."
"The boyfriend says the same thing. Tells me all the time I look like a shaggy sheepdog." Junhong shrugged, closing his eyes as Himchan ran his fingers through the long strands. "I'm too lazy for hair appointments these days. Remember when we'd have to sit for hours while they dyed it every couple of weeks? How many days of my life have I spent sitting in a chair and staring at myself in the mirror…"
Himchan had forgotten how much he'd hated getting his hair dyed. It was one of the reasons he'd begged to go natural so often towards the end.
"Pretty soon you can have a ponytail. Give someone something to hold onto," He teased, gathering Junhong's hair up into his fist and tugging. "Maybe that's secretly your goal. I already know you're a kinky little perv."
Junhong batted his hands away with a laugh. "I like what I like," He told him shamelessly. "Hair pulling and blow jobs and-" His laughter died and Himchan found himself shoved behind Junhong with a painful shove to the ribs. "That wasn't what it sounded like, Jongup."
"I didn't ask." The cool reply shook Himchan and he was glad Junhong had hidden him from view because Jongup's voice was like a shockwave through his body. Even barely controlled it had the same effect it always did on him. He gravitated to that tone, every nerve in his body awakening and wanting their master. "Hello Himchan."
He whined pitifully against Junhong's back, hoping the loudness of the crowd would hide it.
"We're taking introductions to the band slowly," Junhong told him, reaching behind him with one hand to grip Himchan's waist. "Daehyun's already called next dibs so you'll have to wait. Himchan needs time to readjust to everyone."
Jongup was quiet and Himchan wondered if she was there beside him or if he had sent his fiancé on ahead. Was she wondering about the detached way Jongup's supposed former best friend spoke to him? Was she curious why Himchan was so terrified that he was hiding?
"Okay," Himchan breathed a sigh of relief at the soft word. "I'll wait my turn then."
After a few moments of Junhong rigidly standing guard he finally slumped and let out a whoosh of air. "He's leaving. God, that was stressful."
Himchan couldn't resist one look, just a tiny one. He peeked around the corner of Junhong's shoulder and searched for the boy he would know anywhere. The back of him was no different from the front. He knew every hair on his head and had categorized all of his walks years ago. He could spot him by his ears alone among a crowd of hundreds.
Jongup had just reached the front door. Alone, Himchan noted thankfully. The only part of him visible in the crowd was the curve of his cheek and the hair he was absentmindedly reaching up to brush away as he turned around.
Dark eyes lifted to meet his and for that split second time stopped and Himchan knew that no matter how much progress he'd made in his addictions there would always be one thing he would never be able to cure himself of.
Jongup was still the most beautiful thing Himchan had ever seen. And even if it was wrong, he was still completely and totally in love with him.
Part Seven
*I know I know this was supposed to be a HimUp chapter and I'm sorry but damned if that Junhong didn't want me to make it all HimLo.*
**Have I mentioned how much the HimLo in this is feeding my soul. Because it is.**
***Don't worry it won't end as a HimLo romance. I have other plans for our Junhonggie.***
****I planned this as a three part story you guys. Three distinct seperate parts. Himchan falling off the rails- part one. Himchan in rehab and backstory- part two. Himchan at wedding- part three. The end.****
Pairing: HimUp, HimLo
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.5K
Sorry eyes of those left behind
When we were kids do these thing we oblige
If you find yourself alone, with no need to call home
Will you come back
- (X)
The best thing about being home was the smiles his mother gave him every time he walked into the same room as her. The way her whole face would light up and she'd reach for him, stroke his cheek, pat his hair, any excuse to make sure he was really there. And when he was sleeping he would hear her sneak into his room and pull his covers up like he was still seven and scared of the dark.
Those moments helped Himchan ease his way back into the real world and away from the mindset of rehab where he had a strict schedule and was kept busy from the moment he awoke to when he was allowed to go to sleep.
Between leaving rehab and Youngjae's wedding wasn't near enough time for him and as the big day approached he could feel his anxiety creeping upward towards panic levels. His mother tried to convince him to skip it. She argued that Youngjae would understand if he wasn't ready yet and maybe later on they could plan a group outing together.
But Himchan felt that it was now or never. If he didn't try his hardest every single day, even when it was hard, he'd never succeed in being normal again.
"Tomorrow's the day," Junhong threw his suitcase onto Himchan's bed and hung his suit up neatly in the closet. "I can't believe it's finally here. Yongguk eloped and we all found out about it the next day, so this is kind of like the first big marriage in the band."
Himchan watched Junhong casually rummage through his dresser and thought about asking what he was looking for but decided against it. There was nothing there for Junhong to find anyway.
"We have to be there at four and it's a five hour drive from here so we should probably get going by one at the latest. I'll want to eat someplace on the way."
"You always want to eat. That's why Yongguk used to tell you to pack snacks in your bags for the road."
Junhong grinned cheekily and pulled Himchan down to the bed, wrapping long legs around his waist. "And I always got mad about it. I need a real sit-down meal. I'm a growing boy and I can't survive off candy bars and potato chips."
"I think your growing days are over. You're just a giant man-child," Himchan tried to calm his shaky breaths before Junhong noticed. Being constantly touched was still touchy for him after so many years of living alone. Even his mother would only allow herself a few small seconds of affection before backing away and giving him space. "You weigh a ton."
"I told you," Junhong pressed him harder into the bed and laughed at Himchan's muffled oomph. "Growing boy."
They were quiet for a moment and Himchan felt himself slowly relaxing into the tight hold. It was actually kind of nice to feel someone beside him. Junhong's breath was warm and even on his neck and before long Himchan was drifting into the drowsy waters of falling asleep.
"Himchan?" Junhong's quiet murmur did nothing to pull him back to full wakefulness. "Himchan. Wake up."
"No," He turned his head further into his pillow and groaned as fingers poked sharply into his belly. "We're having a nice moment here, Junhong. Don't ruin it."
Junhong slid harder against him and used an arm to brace himself onto the bed so Himchan was immobile. "We need to talk about the band before you show up at the wedding tomorrow. You need to know what all you're walking into."
He'd told Junhong during one of their rehab phone conversations that he didn't own a computer and had no idea what anyone else had been up to in their years of disbandment. Junhong hadn't seemed surprised that he'd chosen to distance himself so completely from how everyone else had moved on.
"Uh-uh," He tried in vain to free himself but Junhong was stronger and healthier than he was and he did nothing to budge him. "I don't want to, not yet, not right now."
"You already know how Yongguk is. Married with a son and working as a producer. I'm in college, you knew that, too. But you didn't ask who Yongguk works with or what he's producing. It's Daehyun. He put out an album about a year ago and it did pretty well. He and Yongguk are working on the next one right now." He felt pride for his former bandmate mixed with jealousy that Daehyun had done so well for himself while his whole world had fallen apart.
"Good," He struggled some more, managing to free an arm and use it to pry at Junhong's knotted fingers. "Now let me go."
Junhong used his chin to nudge against Himchan's spine, making him yelp in pain. "Youngjae works for his father and is going to school to be an accountant. We started college at the same time but he's smarter than me so he's going to graduate first. He did extra classes each semester and has fun rubbing it into my face. Don't be surprised if he says something about me being a slacker tomorrow."
No, no, no, Himchan thought frantically, using every ounce of strength he had in his still recovering body to shove at Junhong's frozen arms. "Don't tell me, please Junhong, pl-"
"Jongup still lives in the city," Junhong had to have known the words were like daggers into Himchan's ears. "He started a dance company and they're still up-and-coming but he's really proud of it. Sometimes I take one of his classes so I can see him again." Himchan's breaths were so loud in the quiet room that Junhong had to stop and let him recover before he could continue. "I told you we're friends again but it's still hard for him to be around me. He acts like I’m just someone he used to go to school with or a distant cousin or something. Not like we lived together and were best friends for years."
Losing Jongup was hard for both of them in different ways. They had that in common, Himchan thought as he stopped fighting and let Junhong carefully rock him in his arms. "I'm sorry."
"It wasn't your fault," Junhong spoke casually but Himchan could hear the raw pain in his voice. "You wouldn't have kept him anyways. Not the way you were. You would have broken him apart, Himchan, you know that." He laughed humorlessly against Himchan's back. "Maybe I did you a favor that night. If I hadn't of begged you for those things you would have ruined Jongup's life even more."
He hated that Junhong was right.
"But…" Junhong took a deep breath and Himchan braced himself for what he knew was coming. There was more about Jongup that Junhong knew would hurt him and he just didn't know how to say it. "Himchan you need to know now, before you walk in and see it and have a nervous breakdown." Himchan closed his eyes and bit down onto his tongue. Whatever Junhong was about to say was going to make him want to whimper and he needed to be ready. "He's had a girlfriend for the past two years, Himchan. They're engaged."
The whimper came anyway.
---
"You're doing great. You've only thrown up two times and it's already three o'clock," Himchan knew Junhong was trying to make him feel better but even just mentioning throwing up was making the salad he'd had for lunch want to climb back up his throat. He was glad he'd chosen the healthy option over the greasy cheeseburger Junhong had scarfed down. "Daehyun texted me that he's already there getting suited up. I can't believe Youngjae made him best man. That's a cringe worthy toast and a media scandal waiting to happen right there."
He nodded, not even listening as Junhong casually chatted next to him. "Do we have to all sit together? The rest of us?"
Junhong glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. "Not if you don't want to. Do you want it to just be us two?"
Yongguk was okay. He could sit between them and feel safe. But it would look weird if they sat together and Jongup wasn't included. Himchan didn't think he could sit next to Jongup just yet. He really wanted to make it out of the wedding without seeing him at all. Let the tension build up at the reception where it would be easier to hide.
"Yes," He reached for the half-empty bottle of water Junhong had bought him at the gas station and gulped down the remainder of it. "Will Guk be mad?"
"Nah," Junhong grabbed for his sweaty hand and smiled at him. "He'll understand, I promise. And you can sit by him at the reception. The kid's leaving and I haven't seen Yongguk let loose in a while. Hopefully he'll pull the stick out of his ass tonight and have some fun."
As long as fun didn't include drinking anywhere near him. He was doing well so far but his sponsor kept warning him that it wouldn't take much to fall over the edge and back into his addictions.
Junhong drove quietly for a while, humming along under his breath to the radio. Himchan used the time to calm his heartbeats, pressing his warm face against the cold window and breathing in slowly and deeply until he felt under control again.
In a way, a very tiny almost nonexistent way, he was glad that Jongup had a fiancé and was happy. He deserved it. He deserved someone waiting for him after long days where Himchan knew he pushed himself to the point of exhaustion, he always had. Jongup would practice in the dance studio until his feet throbbed and his breath came in tiny wheezing gasps and he'd have to hold him as they hobbled into the dorm together.
Now he had someone else to hold him.
And it hurts like hell, Himchan thought bitterly.
"Daehyun says he's so excited to see you that he might cry and mess his eyeliner up," Junhong snorted as he handed his phone over to the passenger side. "And that if anyone gets a picture of his smeared makeup and puts it on Twitter he's going to kill us all."
That was the ridiculous Daehyun that Himchan remembered and it was enough to distract him from wondering what Jongup's girlfriend looked like and if she would be nice. If she was nice to him Himchan would probably scream.
"Can I text him back? Is that okay?"
Junhong turned to him and smiled, "I think Daehyun would smear his makeup a little early and I won't get a good enough picture to post, but yeah, it's okay. He would love it actually."
I miss you, too. But please come at me slow. :)
Daehyun immediately replied back with a screen full of exclamation points and smiley faces, making Himchan laugh.
"I hope it runs down his cheeks and he looks like a sad emo clown," Junhong mused, glancing at the screen. The text alert went off again while he held it and before Himchan could see what it said Junhong was quickly slipping it back into his pocket.
"What'd he type?" He tried to reach for the phone but Junhong batted his hands away. "What was it?"
"Nothing," Junhong tapped nervously on the steering wheel and Himchan could see his jaw tighten. "Just that Jongup is there."
Himchan sat back in his seat with a frown. "Oh," He went back to pressing his face to the window and letting it do its magic in cooling his flushed skin down. "Well it wasn't a surprise that he was coming. I'm okay, Junhong."
Junhong reached between the seats and grabbed for his hand. "I won't leave your side for a second. He can't do anything to you."
He didn't think Jongup was angry at him and would try something, that was never in his head. Jongup was always so gentle and sweet even when Himchan annoyed him to the point of torture. No, he wasn't scared of him. But Jongup had the power to tear him back down to the way he was with just one disgusted look and Himchan was terrified of that.
The best thing he had learned from his many, many doctors in rehab was that no matter what he wanted or what someone wanted for him, he had to do what was best for his state of mind. If never seeing Jongup again would keep him on the right path to recovery he should do it.
But this wedding was unavoidable and deep down Himchan knew he had the largest apology of his life to make. After when it was over he could move on and get better. Tomorrow would be a new day, he kept telling himself. Tomorrow this would all be over and he could put Jongup behind him once and for all.
---
"Okay, I'm going to call Yongguk and tell him we're in the parking lot. You stay right here in the car until we come back and get you. I'll tell him you want us to sit by ourselves during the ceremony but he will want to walk with you inside. Is that alright?"
Junhong should have been going to school to be a therapist, Himchan mused as he nodded his assent. No matter how much of a handful patient he was, Junhong had never stopped being so calm and sweet with him. He would never have made it this far without him.
The car was so quiet and stifling while Junhong was gone that Himchan felt his chest tighten in anxiety. He was starting to sweat through his brand new suit his mom had bought him the week before. It was scratchy and too loose on his frame but he was pleased to notice it wasn't as loose as it would have been three months ago.
At least the other members never had to seem him at his absolute lowest. The Himchan they were reintroducing themselves too was close to the one they remembered.
Junhong knocked on the window, startling him out of his thoughts.
"You ready?" He held the door open and Yongguk reached a hand in to pull him out. "The church is already pretty filled up but there are some empty seats in the back still. We'll sit closest to the door so if you need to leave you can slip out easily. Youngjae won't mind."
"He's just glad you're here," Yongguk spoke up. "Everyone is. There are a lot of people inside who care about you. Youngjae's mom has already asked me four times when you were going to get here. She said she brought you some homemade soup." He laughed and held the church door open for Himchan. "Said her grandparents swore by it. I don't know how she had the time to make it while getting ready for the wedding."
Himchan wasn't paying attention, his gaze was focused straight ahead of him because if he let his eyes linger too long he knew he would find Jongup instantly. This way he only had to look at the stained glass windows and the life-sized statues in the back.
"Just breathe, Himchan," Whereas Yongguk was trying to diffuse the tension with words, Junhong knew Himchan needed quiet and gentle reminders that he had to inhale occasionally. Fingers slipped between his own and Himchan squeezed them tightly in appreciation. "We're going to go to the right and sit down. You're doing great."
He let Junhong lead him and slid down onto the seat, grateful when his shaky legs could finally rest. "Where is he?"
"Towards the front. He's trying to look at you but Yongguk's in the way."
What would Jongup think when he saw him again? Would he be relieved he was yanked away from Himchan before his life was ruined? Would he pity him?
"My wife is sitting in the row behind Jongup. I'll block his view so you don't have to worry about seeing him," Yongguk leaned down and pressed his forehead against Himchan's clammy one. "I'm damn proud of you, Channie."
He could look up and see him in the thirty seconds it took Yongguk to make his way back to the front. He could have one good look, make eye contact, mouth a whispered I'm sorry to him. But it wasn't enough. Jongup was owed a proper apology. With sincerity and spoken regrets.
"Yongguk's back in his seat," Junhong leaned back and sighed. "This is going to be a long night."
Himchan let Junhong wrap an arm over his shoulder and settled comfortably against him. He had finally remembered how much he loved being affectionate with his bandmates and was grateful Junhong kept making excuses to touch him as comfort. "I'm sorry I'm such a downer. You don't have to babysit me if you want to sit somewhere else. I'll be fine."
Junhong laughed as he yanked him sideways, lips brushing against the newly cut hair above Himchan's ear. "You're not a downer. You're sick and you need support. I'm glad it's me you trust the most to do it. After everything that happened back then I'm just happy you still talk to me."
"You're pretty much the only friend I have," Himchan admitted, smiling at him and patting his hair back down. "I would have killed myself a long time ago if it wasn't for you."
The smile slid off Junhong's face and pursed lips replaced it. "Don't say stuff like that. It hurts because that was always my biggest worry about you."
He patted Junhong's leg. "I thought about it a few times," He admitted. "But I was too big of a wimp, I guess. It's over now though. I'm scared and I might throw up some more tonight, but I'm not going to hurt myself over it."
"Good," Junhong tried to smile again but it was pained and Himchan mentally kicked himself for trying to joke when Junhong had already made it clear he hated how dark his joking was. "You have got to be kidding me..."
"What?" His hand tensed on Junhong's leg, making him hiss when nails dug into the soft flesh. "What's wrong?"
Instead of panicking, Junhong shook with quiet laughter and nodded his head towards the window.
When Himchan turned around he was met with the crazed eyes of Daehyun waving through the window, hands slapping excitedly at the glass. His lips were moving a mile a minute and the glass was getting so fogged up by his breath that Himchan couldn't tell what he was saying. There was one final thump against the window before he was grabbed by the collar of his tux and jerked away.
"Well he's happy to see me at least," Himchan chuckled, standing up beside Junhong when the music sounded from the organ. "Two more to go."
As if he knew he was being talked about, Youngjae and the priest opened the church doors and stepped through. He smiled and waved at the people holding cameras out and did a double take when he noticed Junhong and Himchan in the back row. With a wide grin he winked at Himchan as he passed.
The wedding party started to slowly file through the doorway, first the flower girl, then the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Daehyun came last with the maid of honor, his eyes already seeking Himchan out before he'd taken two steps.
"Himchan!" He stage-whispered, waving his free arm. "Hi! It's me, Jung Daehyun!"
Junhong lowered his head and muttered under his breath about what an embarrassment he was.
"I know," Himchan mouthed back. "Hi!"
The wedding party was stalled as Daehyun stopped beside them. "I'll talk to you later, okay? I have to do this wedding thing first."
Youngjae stepped towards the microphone in front of the priest and tapped loudly on it. "If you could let me get my wedding started that would be great, Dae."
"Shit, okay." He gave Himchan one last grin and went back to the annoyed maid of honor who was waiting huffily behind him. "Sorry doll face."
"He hasn't changed a bit," Himchan murmured contentedly to Junhong.
Junhong snorted and turned towards the door where the bride was entering. "Still the same old Daehyun," He said fondly, smiling as Daehyun tripped walking up the steps. "Did I tell you he stopped going to therapy?"
They sat back in their seats, Junhong's arm coming back to rest around Himchan's back. They both held back laughs as Daehyun continued to crane his head around and look at them.
"I figured he had," Himchan wanted so badly to let his eyes swing to the right but ordered himself to keep looking at Daehyun's ecstatic grin. "If he's performing again I knew he was better."
"He is," Junhong agreed. They were quiet for a minute while Youngjae and his new bride said their vows. "Jongup's scooted over and keeps looking back here. Yongguk isn't letting him get a good look and it's pissing him off."
Himchan frowned and let Junhong pull him in closer.
"Now he's glaring at me. He must think we're together," Junhong snickered under his breath as he leaned over and put his lips to Himchan's ear. "I always found a way to slip you into our conversations just to see how he would react. I know it was mean but he's been so cold to me for years and I wanted him to think there was more to us than I told him about."
"If he has a girlfriend he must not have cared too much."
"Maybe," Junhong sat up straight and scratched his nails gently across Himchan's damp neck. "He knows I'm gay at least so it's not too farfetched that we could be together."
The wedding was over and everyone was standing before Himchan could reply. Junhong had to huffily reach down and help him to his feet so they could applaud the newly married couple coming down the aisle.
"You're gay?" Himchan tried to whisper but the church was so loud he worried someone might accidentally overhear. "Since when?"
Junhong looked over his shoulder and smirked at him, "Me between your legs wasn't a big enough hint? Since I was thirteen, Himchan."
"But I just thought you were drunk and out of it and I just happened to be there." This news shocked Himchan. He never had an inkling that Junhong preferred boys. Even when they were a band Junhong always commented on how pretty some of their female fans were. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
"Mmhmm," Junhong clapped politely as Youngjae stepped past them. "It's not really serious yet but it might be. One day. I'm pretty sure he's already half in love with me."
"Himchan!" Daehyun slid into their row, leaving the bridesmaid alone and even angrier than before. Slim arms reached towards him but Junhong blocked his way with a hand to the chest. "I just want to hug him!"
Junhong shook his head and shoved Daehyun hard out of their row. "He said take it slow. Don't attack him. This is why you couldn't come to visitation day with us."
Daehyun pouted as he stormed out of the pew and grabbed the maid of honor's arm. "Fine. But I get a hug at the reception and you can't stop me!"
They started letting the guests out row by row, starting with the front. Himchan grew bored of waiting and he knew if he let himself get distracted he would instinctively seek out Jongup so he passed the time by playing with Junhong's hair.
"You need a haircut."
"The boyfriend says the same thing. Tells me all the time I look like a shaggy sheepdog." Junhong shrugged, closing his eyes as Himchan ran his fingers through the long strands. "I'm too lazy for hair appointments these days. Remember when we'd have to sit for hours while they dyed it every couple of weeks? How many days of my life have I spent sitting in a chair and staring at myself in the mirror…"
Himchan had forgotten how much he'd hated getting his hair dyed. It was one of the reasons he'd begged to go natural so often towards the end.
"Pretty soon you can have a ponytail. Give someone something to hold onto," He teased, gathering Junhong's hair up into his fist and tugging. "Maybe that's secretly your goal. I already know you're a kinky little perv."
Junhong batted his hands away with a laugh. "I like what I like," He told him shamelessly. "Hair pulling and blow jobs and-" His laughter died and Himchan found himself shoved behind Junhong with a painful shove to the ribs. "That wasn't what it sounded like, Jongup."
"I didn't ask." The cool reply shook Himchan and he was glad Junhong had hidden him from view because Jongup's voice was like a shockwave through his body. Even barely controlled it had the same effect it always did on him. He gravitated to that tone, every nerve in his body awakening and wanting their master. "Hello Himchan."
He whined pitifully against Junhong's back, hoping the loudness of the crowd would hide it.
"We're taking introductions to the band slowly," Junhong told him, reaching behind him with one hand to grip Himchan's waist. "Daehyun's already called next dibs so you'll have to wait. Himchan needs time to readjust to everyone."
Jongup was quiet and Himchan wondered if she was there beside him or if he had sent his fiancé on ahead. Was she wondering about the detached way Jongup's supposed former best friend spoke to him? Was she curious why Himchan was so terrified that he was hiding?
"Okay," Himchan breathed a sigh of relief at the soft word. "I'll wait my turn then."
After a few moments of Junhong rigidly standing guard he finally slumped and let out a whoosh of air. "He's leaving. God, that was stressful."
Himchan couldn't resist one look, just a tiny one. He peeked around the corner of Junhong's shoulder and searched for the boy he would know anywhere. The back of him was no different from the front. He knew every hair on his head and had categorized all of his walks years ago. He could spot him by his ears alone among a crowd of hundreds.
Jongup had just reached the front door. Alone, Himchan noted thankfully. The only part of him visible in the crowd was the curve of his cheek and the hair he was absentmindedly reaching up to brush away as he turned around.
Dark eyes lifted to meet his and for that split second time stopped and Himchan knew that no matter how much progress he'd made in his addictions there would always be one thing he would never be able to cure himself of.
Jongup was still the most beautiful thing Himchan had ever seen. And even if it was wrong, he was still completely and totally in love with him.
Part Seven
*I know I know this was supposed to be a HimUp chapter and I'm sorry but damned if that Junhong didn't want me to make it all HimLo.*
**Have I mentioned how much the HimLo in this is feeding my soul. Because it is.**
***Don't worry it won't end as a HimLo romance. I have other plans for our Junhonggie.***
****I planned this as a three part story you guys. Three distinct seperate parts. Himchan falling off the rails- part one. Himchan in rehab and backstory- part two. Himchan at wedding- part three. The end.****