Guide You Home *part one*
Pairing: DaeLo
Rated:; PG13
Length: 4.6K
Prompt (somewhat): Imagine your OTP in a world where if your soulmate is harmed in any way, you get harmed in the same way. Person A cuts themselves, believing they’ll never find their soulmate. (It’s Person B) Person B finds marks all over their arms and panics in the realization that their soulmate is cutting themselves. What happens beyond there is up to you.
SONG
Being thirteen years old and keeping secrets wasn’t a big deal in the great scheme of things. Junhong knew that his best friend kept a pile of porn magazines under his bed and he was pretty sure that his older brother had a used pair of girl’s underwear hidden in the back of his sock drawer.
But for Junhong, secrets were what kept him up at night. Secrets that were heavy and dark and weighed on you like a bulldozer until you couldn’t breathe and you woke up gasping for air in the middle of the night. Secrets were frightening.
He kept his locked away inside his heart, a tiny black box with no key that not even he knew the combination to. He told himself that if he didn’t allow the thoughts to creep into his mind then he wasn’t bad, he wasn’t going to burn for eternity like his grandma always preached about in the middle of Christmas dinner.
Sometimes he forgot to hold the flood of blackness back and it would hit him when he least expected it. When he was alone in his bedroom and the dark and the quiet would creep up on him and he would feel so safe that his brain would fill with ideas. Illicit ideas. Ideas that made his head swim and his eyes cross and his toes curl achingly.
“I like boys.” Junhong mouthed the confession to himself, his reflection’s lips moving but not letting the dirty words escape into the always listening universe. “I’m gay.” He saw his mirror image wince and decided that was enough of an attempt for one day. Maybe when he was old and gray and lying on his death bed he would be able to admit it out loud but right now he had a full day of school to concentrate on. There was a math test and a history paper due and after school Jongup wanted to play basketball in the park.
He didn’t have enough room in his to-do list to add ‘being happy with myself’ anywhere.
---
“Did you study for the test?” Jongup met him at the door with a grin and a basketball shoved under his arm. “My mom made me mow the yard so I studied until ten but I was too tired to finish the chapter.”
Junhong forced a smile on his face, dimples deep and prominent, but the grin not quite following through to his eyes. “I had to help Yongguk fix his stereo for two hours. He wouldn’t let me leave until he could hear his music out of both speakers. It took two hours so my studying was mainly me staring at the book and trying to drown out the annoying rap music he was playing.”
“Well then at least I’m not the only one that’s failing.” Jongup followed Junhong to his locker and shoved the basketball into the bottom. “I don’t want to carry this all the way across the school to my locker.” He pushed a handful of crumpled paper towards Junhong. “Here’s my notes for math. You can study them during homeroom and give them back at lunch.”
A lot of people saw Jongup as an airhead, someone who had more laughs than he had thoughts in his brain but Junhong had never thought of his best friend as anything less than amazing. He was only thirteen but ever since his dad had died a few years earlier he had taken over as man of their house and he took his job seriously. Where their classmates saw laziness Junhong saw an exhausted teenager who had spent every spare second of his evening babysitting his little sister, cooking her supper and putting her to bed.
“Thanks Guppie. Are you sure you don’t want to keep them?”
He shook his head and squeezed Junhong’s wrist. “If I have to look at any more equations I’m going to go blind. I’ll see you at lunch, okay? It’s your turn to buy. I want a cheeseburger!”
Junhong watched him race down the hallway towards his first class. He had no plans to use the notes because he had realized long ago that school was something he would have to float through, but he appreciated his best friend’s efforts to keep him above water.
He took four very serious hours one night a few months ago to decide if he liked Jongup because he was awesome or if he liked Jongup because of other reasons. Finally he settled on awesome because when he closed his eyes and imagined Jongup’s lips on his or his fingertips in his hair Junhong grimaced a little. He didn’t want to know what his friend’s mouth tasted like and that knowledge was a relief.
Thirteen was hard enough with the pimples and the weird voice that sometimes wanted to make him sound like Alvin the chipmunk one second and Darth Vader the next. Add on the scary thoughts over his sexuality and he was like a rabbit thrown into a wolf den.
At least he had Jongup. And his brother. Yongguk may sometimes act like he thought he was the most important teenager in existence but for the most part he was a pretty decent older brother. For his birthday Yongguk had gotten him a brand new skateboard and even had it customized with his name and Junhong loved it so much that he was too scared to even ride it. What if he got it dirty?
“You’re going to be late.” The Hall Monitor bumped into him playfully and pointed at his watch. “Better get a move on.”
He didn’t realize he had been standing in the hallway for long enough that the students had cleared out and it was just him staring blankly into his locker.
“Shoot! Thanks Himchan!” He grabbed his notebook and math book and took off for homeroom, barely sliding into his seat when the final bell rang.
Another day trying to keep his concentration on his schoolwork. Another day feeling the pricks of pain slither across his skin, jagged lines that felt like fire but never bled because he wasn’t the one whose body was experiencing the torture.
Another day where his soulmate made his presence known with every painful breath Junhong took.
---
Soulmates weren’t a rare thing, certainly they happened to enough people that Junhong had no reason to feel special, but every time he overheard a passing conversation about the phenomena he felt a tingling sense of pride down his spine. Out of all the people in the world, all of the millions who didn’t have soulmates, for some reason he was chosen to be one of the lucky ones.
No one else in his family was a known soulmate so when they traveled to his grandparents for Christmas or their yearly family reunion Junhong was always one of the most popular kids in attendance. Everyone wanted to know what it was like and if he had met his other half yet.
Sometimes he felt embarrassment from all of their probing questions because they always asked about her, what she was like, was he excited to meet her, always her…
“I like boys.” He repeated again on the way to the park as Jongup ran ahead to scope out the best open courts. “I like boys not girls.” The words stuck on his tongue like syrup and he had to clear his throat to get them out. “I like girls?”
Knowledge that his soulmate was a boy just like him was painfully obvious to him even when he was four years old and crying all night over the pain coursing through his body. “Why is he hurting?” He would cry to his mother, only to have her shush him and repeat over and over that somewhere out there was a little girl who needed him.
The new scratches trailing down his arm and over his wrist throbbed in the heat of the afternoon. Junhong had quickly learned that long-sleeves were the only way to keep the questions away. From the moment his kindergarten teacher had called the police to report child abuse he had been wearing the hot clothing from winter all the way through summer. He couldn’t even remember the last time the sun had warmed his pale skin. Over time everyone grew used to the odd way he dressed and stopped asking questions. He half wondered if his parents even remembered why he did it in the first place. It had been years since Junhong had come to them in tears over the sparks of pain. The faded and fresh tracks on his skin were his secrets now. So many secrets he had to hold inside that he thought he would bust one day and scream them all free.
“There’s a court open over by the jungle gym.” Jongup waved his arms towards him from across the park. He pointed to where he wanted to play and ran back to save the court while Junhong took his time getting there.
The park was always his favorite place to visit and he loved closing his eyes and letting the heat beat down across his cheeks. In the winter he had always begged Yongguk to take him during snowfalls and they’d sit on a bench with a blanket and a thermos of hot chocolate and watch the snowflakes build up around them.
Now that his mother let him come alone he spent every afternoon there even if Jongup couldn’t tag along. Being alone helped him sort his thoughts out and he could think about things that he didn’t dare let creep up into his mind while at home. Thoughts about how he was so different from everyone else he knew and why would he be given a soulmate if there wasn’t any way for them to have a real normal life together. Thoughts that were probably too big for his mind to comprehend because when he left he always had a headache and his scars were pulsing with pain.
“Do you want to come over for supper?” Thursdays were Jongup’s only designated free night of the week so Junhong was constantly begging him to come over. Sometimes his mother would trade shifts at the hospital so he could have other evenings to himself but Thursday was the one day he always had to spend doing whatever he wanted. “My mom has to take my aunt to the grocery store so it’s just me and Yongguk tonight.”
Jongup turned away and dribbled the ball down the court to the other basket. “Nah. I just want to play a little then go home and be in bed by like eight. I’m sleepy.” He did a lay-up, the ball swishing through the basket and rolling towards Junhong. “What are you doing this weekend?”
He shrugged, stealing the ball and trying, and failing, to make a jump shot. “I think Yongguk is spending the night with Himchan so I’ll probably just watch TV and listen to music the whole time. You?”
He didn’t see the annoyed glance Jongup gave him. “Nothing much. No more talking, time to play.”
By the time they had finished playing and he had dragged his sweaty self back home he was has starving and exhausted but at least the constant reminder that he was different was down to a dullness in his flesh.
“You’re home late.” Yongguk pushed a take-out box towards him, eyes still glued to the cell phone in his hand. “You with Jongup?”
“We played basketball in the park.” He greedily dug into the food, thankful his brother had saved him so much. “I tried to get him to come home and eat with us but he didn’t want to.”
Yongguk snorted and pushed his chair away from the table. “Well Jongup’s not known for being sociable. Maybe you should find some new friends.”
He was tired of defending his best friend to his brother and had stopped trying months ago. Yongguk only knew Jongup like the rest of the school knew him and it used to make Junhong so angry but now he just shrugged it off. Jongup never minded what people thought about him so why should he?
“You okay?” Yongguk saw him rubbing at the bottom of his sleeve. “Did you get hurt at the park?”
“No.” Junhong slipped his arms under the table and smiled up at him. “I just got bit by a mosquito or something. I’m fine.”
Fine would be a word he used a lot to describe himself over the next few years. It was a word you used when you didn’t want the other person to ask any more questions. Something to ease their concern but not have to explain yourself. Fine was a word that was always at the tip of Junhong’s tongue but not a description he ever privately used to define himself.
He was not fine.
---
Sometimes the thread between him and his soulmate wasn’t such a burden. Sometimes it was… nice…
The first time he had felt the tiny tingles of unexpected arousal shooting down his stomach he wasn’t sure what it was for. Surely sitting in his history class wasn’t enough to make his breath catch and his eyes clench shut.
“You okay?” Jongup nudged him, keeping his eyes glued forward because their teacher was always itching for an excuse to send students to the office.
“No.” Junhong had to grab onto the seat below him and hope he wasn’t asked to go to the board any time soon because he didn’t think he had ever been this turned on before. His skin was heated and flushed from the feelings of something, or someone, trailing their invisible fingers across his belly. “I need to go to the bathroom.” He threw his head down onto the desk, biting his tongue as he fell to stop the moan from sailing into the other student’s ears.
Jongup raised his hand for the teacher, other hand rubbing circles into Junhong’s tight shoulders. “Junhong’s about to be sick.” He told their teacher worriedly. “Can I take him to the bathroom?”
Their teacher glanced over at the shaking boy in the next seat. “He was fine five minutes ago.” When Junhong raised his glassy eyes and mouthed a silent ‘please’, she sighed and pointed towards the door. “You can go. Jongup can stay here. It doesn’t take two people to throw up into a toilet.”
He grabbed his binder off the desk and awkwardly held it lower than normal as he raced to the nearest bathroom. With a groan of relief he found out the bathroom was empty as he jumped into the first stall, too far gone to make it to the large one in the back.
The pressure wrapped around him was mind-numbingly strong and he didn’t even take the time to push his pants to the floor, instead pressing his forehead into the cold door and digging his nails frantically into the chipped paint.
Any lingering doubts that his soulmate was a male, not that he had ever had any in the first place, was quickly doused because he could feel every movement and stroke the faceless boy was making. Every harsh pull and gentle touch was transported miles away to Junhong’s sensitive flesh and making him bite into the corner of his elbow so that the strangled gasps were hidden. Another thing to hide, but a beautiful one this time. Something he wanted to share with his soulmate because right now the other boy was feeling something other than pain and sadness. It had been so many years of torture and nights falling asleep whimpering from the fresh scars appearing that Junhong felt giddy with relief that for once, just this one time, the boy he was supposed to love, felt safe enough to try for relief.
And when it was all over, when he was slumped and delirious and trembling, he wished he could at least know his name. He wanted just one word all his own, something he could mouth to himself the next time his soulmate was so close to him but always too far away.
---
Junhong managed to keep his secrets for a lot longer than he thought he would be able to. With a nosy brother and a longtime best friend he naturally assumed that they would pick up on the things he kept hidden, the lies that always threatened to slip out of their box.
For Jongup, it was an accident, a slip-up that he let out without even realizing when they were fifteen. Jongup knew that he was a soulmate, Junhong had never tried to hide that. Not since he was younger and the scars made people stare so that his mother constantly had to blurt out the reason behind them. Everyone at his school was aware he had someone waiting for him and he was one of only a handful in his grade with the uniqueness.
“How do you think you’ll find her?” Jongup was lying on his bed and staring at the television while Junhong sat on the floor, his head being lightly massaged by Jongup’s socked foot. “Your soulmate. Do you think you’ll get a girlfriend later on and have to prove it to each other? Like you’ll pinch your arm or something and hope she feels it?”
Junhong didn’t really want to talk about it because it always felt like a lie when Jongup was around. They had been best friends for years and he hated not telling him things. “No clue.” He made his voice nonchalant like he wasn’t secretly sweating under his thick hoodie and fingerless gloves. The palm of his left hand was red and puckered from something that had happened the night before. Now he not only had to deal with the marks on his arms but it was also moving down into his hands where it was harder to hide. “Hey do you want to stay the night? Yongguk has to work until eleven and I wanted to rent that new scary movie everyone’s been talking about.”
“You’re too scared to watch it by yourself.” Jongup poked him with his big toe and laughed, thankfully not commenting on his sudden change of subject. “You’re such a baby. I hope she’s braver than you.”
He thought his soulmate was the bravest person in the world for dealing with whatever they had to live through every day. Over the years he’d had a lot of time to speculate on what was causing everything and was pretty sure he had it figured out by now. At first he was angry because he thought his soulmate was doing this to himself, purposely damaging his skin while knowing that he was hurting his other half. For a long time Junhong hated him. Hate took so much effort though. So many nights curled into a ball in pain both mentally and physically and full of so much ache for something he couldn’t have. But as he grew older he realized that no matter how much pain he was in, the person he was supposed to love more than life itself was hurting a thousand times worse. That was when he decided the injuries weren’t self-inflicted. No matter how much his fury grew he would never be able to lace tracks up his skin all while knowing the damage he was causing.
“He has more bravery in one finger than I have in my whole body.” Junhong murmured, his eyes locked onto the tiny patch of skin showing between his shirt hem and glove. Silvery scars snaked around his wrist in jagged lines. He didn’t even notice the way Jongup’s toes stopped pressing into his neck, the massage freezing for only a split second before it continued without Junhong even noticing his mistake.
“I’ll call my mom after I win this race.” Jongup told him a few minutes later. “She never cares if I stay though.”
---
Junhong angrily swiped at the bruise across his jaw as he rummaged through the cabinet for his mother’s concealer. He had only used it once before to cover the dark circle around his eye but that was almost a year ago. At first a few days went by without a new injury and then weeks, weeks turned into months and he was optimistic that things were getting better but over the past few days his skin had started erupting again. Tiny bruises no bigger than a fingerprint appeared around his wrist before his jaw had felt like it was exploding and he ran to the mirror to see redness painted across the bone and up his cheek.
“It’s my turn in the bathroom!” Yongguk banged on the door, his normally quiet voice loud as he yelled for the third time to get in. “You’ve been in there for thirty minutes!”
“Just a minute!” Junhong finally found the bottle he was looking for and squeezed some onto his fingers. They were supposed to be leaving for Yongguk’s debate team performance in ten minutes and he wasn’t even dressed yet. If the tightness around his chest was any indication then things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. “Shit.” He dropped the glass bottle to the floor, but didn’t even notice the glass surrounding his feet because his lungs felt like they were constricting inside of him, tighter and tighter, breath sputtering out in gasps and moans.
Yongguk rattled the doorknob, his orders to open the door going unnoticed as Junhong dropped to his knees right into the tiny shards below him.
“I’m getting the screwdriver and coming in!” A minute later he burst through the door, shock covering his face. “Oh my god, what happened to you?” His cold fingers lifted Junhong’s head. “Junhong who did this to you?”
He shook him off. The pressure was receding but the pain was only growing stronger and he wasn’t sure how much longer he had before he blacked out. “Don’t tell mom and dad.”
Yongguk stared at him in horror and Junhong realized he had been standing in the bathroom getting dressed while his clothes hung on the bathroom curtain behind him. His brother’s eyes raked over the never before seen expanse of his chest and arms, mouth dropped open and a snarl building in his throat. “Is this from-“ He swallowed but couldn’t finish his question.
“Don’t tell.” Junhong gripped tightly onto Yongguk’s perfectly ironed shirt. “Don’t tell them, promise me.”
“I can’t, Junhong, I can’t- Jesus, how long?”
The alcohol Yongguk pressed into his knees stung and was a much needed jerk back to reality. He wasn’t strong enough for this. He was sixteen and should have been more concerned with his homework than the worry over a faceless stranger.
“Forever.” Every lifetime together, every second spent apart, every blink of the eye when they were out of each other’s sight for just a heartbeat, Junhong knew without a doubt how much hurt his mate had caused him over the centuries. “My chin…”
His brother winced at the bright red coloring of his skin. “It’s going to bruise and swell like crazy over the next few hours. Come on.” He helped Junhong to his feet and wrapped a steady arm around his waist. “Go get in bed and let me clean this mess up. I’ll cover for you with mom and dad but when I get home later we’re talking about this.”
He knew he’d be passed out for the night by the time they made it home but nodded anyways. “I wish I could find them.” His words were sloppy and thick with exhaustion. “Why would anyone do this?” Junhong let Yongguk tuck him into the bed just like he was a child again. It hurt to lick his lips and the feeling of his heartbeat pounding wildly under the white hot pain wasn’t even enough to keep his heavy eyes from slipping closed as Yongguk gently shut the bedroom door behind him.
The only thing that gave him comfort as he slipped off into unconsciousness was the fact that if he was in too much pain to stay awake then that meant his soulmate was also diving headfirst into the dark of sleep.
When he closed his eyes he dreamt of snow covered park benches and how they made him think of safety.
---
“She acted like she was the only person in the world to have one. If I had to listen to hear describe the shape of his lips one more time I was going to throw up.”
“They’re all like that. Except you, of course. I just don’t understand the importance of soulmates.” Jongup licked the chip dust off his fingers and kicked his feet up onto the coffee table. They had been forced to listen to one of their classmates brag they she had finally met her own mate over the weekend and after an entire school day of hearing about it they were both annoyed. “What gives the universe the right to pick and choose who absolutely has to be together? Isn’t that what free will is for? You should be able to pick who you want to live the rest of your life with because you love each other, not just because you feel you have to.”
“You wouldn’t want one if it was offered to you?”
Jongup looked at him, eyebrows pulled together in thought. “I think they do more harm than good. So no, I wouldn’t want one.”
An unamused laugh came from behind them. “Is that your honest opinion?” Yongguk dropped his backpack to the floor and stared at the back of Jongup’s head. “Most people would kill for what Junhong has. I would sell my damn soul if it meant having a soulmate that loved me.”
“That’s not what I meant, Yongguk.” For the first time in ages Junhong saw Jongup falter as he tried to quickly rephrase whatever he had said that set Yongguk off. Yongguk had been edgy for years over the topic and everyone was wise enough to stay silent when he was known to be around. “I just think it’s better to have a choice in the matter. Maybe you could naturally fall in love with that person anyways. Growing up while already knowing your life is on one path isn’t the funnest upbringing.”
Junhong didn’t know which path Jongup was referring to. The one Junhong was on where he had no choice but to keep striding towards his soulmates direction, or the one Jongup had been walking down since he was ten and had started mowing lawns over the summer just to help feed his family. Neither of them had a choice in the matter but had dealt with it as cheerily as possible.
“You don’t deserve a soulmate anyways.” Yongguk curled his lip in disgust even though Jongup was still refusing to face him. “You’re just a shitty kid with a shitty attitude who probably isn’t going to pass freshman year.” He stormed towards his bedroom and let the door slam shut behind him.
“Hey!” Junhong jumped up, ready to defend his best friend, but Jongup shook his head.
“Don’t worry about it, Junhong.” He plastered a smile on his face, but his normally bright eyes were dull. “Your brother’s always been a jerk. All of the kids in our school are like that when I’m around.” The chip bag was hastily thrown into Junhong’s lap as Jongup stood up and dusted his pants off. “I’m heading home. Mom has to work tonight so I’m in charge of the monster.”
Junhong scratched at the thin raised line on his wrist and wondered if life would have been better if soulmates had never existed.
Part two
Rated:; PG13
Length: 4.6K
Prompt (somewhat): Imagine your OTP in a world where if your soulmate is harmed in any way, you get harmed in the same way. Person A cuts themselves, believing they’ll never find their soulmate. (It’s Person B) Person B finds marks all over their arms and panics in the realization that their soulmate is cutting themselves. What happens beyond there is up to you.
SONG
Being thirteen years old and keeping secrets wasn’t a big deal in the great scheme of things. Junhong knew that his best friend kept a pile of porn magazines under his bed and he was pretty sure that his older brother had a used pair of girl’s underwear hidden in the back of his sock drawer.
But for Junhong, secrets were what kept him up at night. Secrets that were heavy and dark and weighed on you like a bulldozer until you couldn’t breathe and you woke up gasping for air in the middle of the night. Secrets were frightening.
He kept his locked away inside his heart, a tiny black box with no key that not even he knew the combination to. He told himself that if he didn’t allow the thoughts to creep into his mind then he wasn’t bad, he wasn’t going to burn for eternity like his grandma always preached about in the middle of Christmas dinner.
Sometimes he forgot to hold the flood of blackness back and it would hit him when he least expected it. When he was alone in his bedroom and the dark and the quiet would creep up on him and he would feel so safe that his brain would fill with ideas. Illicit ideas. Ideas that made his head swim and his eyes cross and his toes curl achingly.
“I like boys.” Junhong mouthed the confession to himself, his reflection’s lips moving but not letting the dirty words escape into the always listening universe. “I’m gay.” He saw his mirror image wince and decided that was enough of an attempt for one day. Maybe when he was old and gray and lying on his death bed he would be able to admit it out loud but right now he had a full day of school to concentrate on. There was a math test and a history paper due and after school Jongup wanted to play basketball in the park.
He didn’t have enough room in his to-do list to add ‘being happy with myself’ anywhere.
---
“Did you study for the test?” Jongup met him at the door with a grin and a basketball shoved under his arm. “My mom made me mow the yard so I studied until ten but I was too tired to finish the chapter.”
Junhong forced a smile on his face, dimples deep and prominent, but the grin not quite following through to his eyes. “I had to help Yongguk fix his stereo for two hours. He wouldn’t let me leave until he could hear his music out of both speakers. It took two hours so my studying was mainly me staring at the book and trying to drown out the annoying rap music he was playing.”
“Well then at least I’m not the only one that’s failing.” Jongup followed Junhong to his locker and shoved the basketball into the bottom. “I don’t want to carry this all the way across the school to my locker.” He pushed a handful of crumpled paper towards Junhong. “Here’s my notes for math. You can study them during homeroom and give them back at lunch.”
A lot of people saw Jongup as an airhead, someone who had more laughs than he had thoughts in his brain but Junhong had never thought of his best friend as anything less than amazing. He was only thirteen but ever since his dad had died a few years earlier he had taken over as man of their house and he took his job seriously. Where their classmates saw laziness Junhong saw an exhausted teenager who had spent every spare second of his evening babysitting his little sister, cooking her supper and putting her to bed.
“Thanks Guppie. Are you sure you don’t want to keep them?”
He shook his head and squeezed Junhong’s wrist. “If I have to look at any more equations I’m going to go blind. I’ll see you at lunch, okay? It’s your turn to buy. I want a cheeseburger!”
Junhong watched him race down the hallway towards his first class. He had no plans to use the notes because he had realized long ago that school was something he would have to float through, but he appreciated his best friend’s efforts to keep him above water.
He took four very serious hours one night a few months ago to decide if he liked Jongup because he was awesome or if he liked Jongup because of other reasons. Finally he settled on awesome because when he closed his eyes and imagined Jongup’s lips on his or his fingertips in his hair Junhong grimaced a little. He didn’t want to know what his friend’s mouth tasted like and that knowledge was a relief.
Thirteen was hard enough with the pimples and the weird voice that sometimes wanted to make him sound like Alvin the chipmunk one second and Darth Vader the next. Add on the scary thoughts over his sexuality and he was like a rabbit thrown into a wolf den.
At least he had Jongup. And his brother. Yongguk may sometimes act like he thought he was the most important teenager in existence but for the most part he was a pretty decent older brother. For his birthday Yongguk had gotten him a brand new skateboard and even had it customized with his name and Junhong loved it so much that he was too scared to even ride it. What if he got it dirty?
“You’re going to be late.” The Hall Monitor bumped into him playfully and pointed at his watch. “Better get a move on.”
He didn’t realize he had been standing in the hallway for long enough that the students had cleared out and it was just him staring blankly into his locker.
“Shoot! Thanks Himchan!” He grabbed his notebook and math book and took off for homeroom, barely sliding into his seat when the final bell rang.
Another day trying to keep his concentration on his schoolwork. Another day feeling the pricks of pain slither across his skin, jagged lines that felt like fire but never bled because he wasn’t the one whose body was experiencing the torture.
Another day where his soulmate made his presence known with every painful breath Junhong took.
---
Soulmates weren’t a rare thing, certainly they happened to enough people that Junhong had no reason to feel special, but every time he overheard a passing conversation about the phenomena he felt a tingling sense of pride down his spine. Out of all the people in the world, all of the millions who didn’t have soulmates, for some reason he was chosen to be one of the lucky ones.
No one else in his family was a known soulmate so when they traveled to his grandparents for Christmas or their yearly family reunion Junhong was always one of the most popular kids in attendance. Everyone wanted to know what it was like and if he had met his other half yet.
Sometimes he felt embarrassment from all of their probing questions because they always asked about her, what she was like, was he excited to meet her, always her…
“I like boys.” He repeated again on the way to the park as Jongup ran ahead to scope out the best open courts. “I like boys not girls.” The words stuck on his tongue like syrup and he had to clear his throat to get them out. “I like girls?”
Knowledge that his soulmate was a boy just like him was painfully obvious to him even when he was four years old and crying all night over the pain coursing through his body. “Why is he hurting?” He would cry to his mother, only to have her shush him and repeat over and over that somewhere out there was a little girl who needed him.
The new scratches trailing down his arm and over his wrist throbbed in the heat of the afternoon. Junhong had quickly learned that long-sleeves were the only way to keep the questions away. From the moment his kindergarten teacher had called the police to report child abuse he had been wearing the hot clothing from winter all the way through summer. He couldn’t even remember the last time the sun had warmed his pale skin. Over time everyone grew used to the odd way he dressed and stopped asking questions. He half wondered if his parents even remembered why he did it in the first place. It had been years since Junhong had come to them in tears over the sparks of pain. The faded and fresh tracks on his skin were his secrets now. So many secrets he had to hold inside that he thought he would bust one day and scream them all free.
“There’s a court open over by the jungle gym.” Jongup waved his arms towards him from across the park. He pointed to where he wanted to play and ran back to save the court while Junhong took his time getting there.
The park was always his favorite place to visit and he loved closing his eyes and letting the heat beat down across his cheeks. In the winter he had always begged Yongguk to take him during snowfalls and they’d sit on a bench with a blanket and a thermos of hot chocolate and watch the snowflakes build up around them.
Now that his mother let him come alone he spent every afternoon there even if Jongup couldn’t tag along. Being alone helped him sort his thoughts out and he could think about things that he didn’t dare let creep up into his mind while at home. Thoughts about how he was so different from everyone else he knew and why would he be given a soulmate if there wasn’t any way for them to have a real normal life together. Thoughts that were probably too big for his mind to comprehend because when he left he always had a headache and his scars were pulsing with pain.
“Do you want to come over for supper?” Thursdays were Jongup’s only designated free night of the week so Junhong was constantly begging him to come over. Sometimes his mother would trade shifts at the hospital so he could have other evenings to himself but Thursday was the one day he always had to spend doing whatever he wanted. “My mom has to take my aunt to the grocery store so it’s just me and Yongguk tonight.”
Jongup turned away and dribbled the ball down the court to the other basket. “Nah. I just want to play a little then go home and be in bed by like eight. I’m sleepy.” He did a lay-up, the ball swishing through the basket and rolling towards Junhong. “What are you doing this weekend?”
He shrugged, stealing the ball and trying, and failing, to make a jump shot. “I think Yongguk is spending the night with Himchan so I’ll probably just watch TV and listen to music the whole time. You?”
He didn’t see the annoyed glance Jongup gave him. “Nothing much. No more talking, time to play.”
By the time they had finished playing and he had dragged his sweaty self back home he was has starving and exhausted but at least the constant reminder that he was different was down to a dullness in his flesh.
“You’re home late.” Yongguk pushed a take-out box towards him, eyes still glued to the cell phone in his hand. “You with Jongup?”
“We played basketball in the park.” He greedily dug into the food, thankful his brother had saved him so much. “I tried to get him to come home and eat with us but he didn’t want to.”
Yongguk snorted and pushed his chair away from the table. “Well Jongup’s not known for being sociable. Maybe you should find some new friends.”
He was tired of defending his best friend to his brother and had stopped trying months ago. Yongguk only knew Jongup like the rest of the school knew him and it used to make Junhong so angry but now he just shrugged it off. Jongup never minded what people thought about him so why should he?
“You okay?” Yongguk saw him rubbing at the bottom of his sleeve. “Did you get hurt at the park?”
“No.” Junhong slipped his arms under the table and smiled up at him. “I just got bit by a mosquito or something. I’m fine.”
Fine would be a word he used a lot to describe himself over the next few years. It was a word you used when you didn’t want the other person to ask any more questions. Something to ease their concern but not have to explain yourself. Fine was a word that was always at the tip of Junhong’s tongue but not a description he ever privately used to define himself.
He was not fine.
---
Sometimes the thread between him and his soulmate wasn’t such a burden. Sometimes it was… nice…
The first time he had felt the tiny tingles of unexpected arousal shooting down his stomach he wasn’t sure what it was for. Surely sitting in his history class wasn’t enough to make his breath catch and his eyes clench shut.
“You okay?” Jongup nudged him, keeping his eyes glued forward because their teacher was always itching for an excuse to send students to the office.
“No.” Junhong had to grab onto the seat below him and hope he wasn’t asked to go to the board any time soon because he didn’t think he had ever been this turned on before. His skin was heated and flushed from the feelings of something, or someone, trailing their invisible fingers across his belly. “I need to go to the bathroom.” He threw his head down onto the desk, biting his tongue as he fell to stop the moan from sailing into the other student’s ears.
Jongup raised his hand for the teacher, other hand rubbing circles into Junhong’s tight shoulders. “Junhong’s about to be sick.” He told their teacher worriedly. “Can I take him to the bathroom?”
Their teacher glanced over at the shaking boy in the next seat. “He was fine five minutes ago.” When Junhong raised his glassy eyes and mouthed a silent ‘please’, she sighed and pointed towards the door. “You can go. Jongup can stay here. It doesn’t take two people to throw up into a toilet.”
He grabbed his binder off the desk and awkwardly held it lower than normal as he raced to the nearest bathroom. With a groan of relief he found out the bathroom was empty as he jumped into the first stall, too far gone to make it to the large one in the back.
The pressure wrapped around him was mind-numbingly strong and he didn’t even take the time to push his pants to the floor, instead pressing his forehead into the cold door and digging his nails frantically into the chipped paint.
Any lingering doubts that his soulmate was a male, not that he had ever had any in the first place, was quickly doused because he could feel every movement and stroke the faceless boy was making. Every harsh pull and gentle touch was transported miles away to Junhong’s sensitive flesh and making him bite into the corner of his elbow so that the strangled gasps were hidden. Another thing to hide, but a beautiful one this time. Something he wanted to share with his soulmate because right now the other boy was feeling something other than pain and sadness. It had been so many years of torture and nights falling asleep whimpering from the fresh scars appearing that Junhong felt giddy with relief that for once, just this one time, the boy he was supposed to love, felt safe enough to try for relief.
And when it was all over, when he was slumped and delirious and trembling, he wished he could at least know his name. He wanted just one word all his own, something he could mouth to himself the next time his soulmate was so close to him but always too far away.
---
Junhong managed to keep his secrets for a lot longer than he thought he would be able to. With a nosy brother and a longtime best friend he naturally assumed that they would pick up on the things he kept hidden, the lies that always threatened to slip out of their box.
For Jongup, it was an accident, a slip-up that he let out without even realizing when they were fifteen. Jongup knew that he was a soulmate, Junhong had never tried to hide that. Not since he was younger and the scars made people stare so that his mother constantly had to blurt out the reason behind them. Everyone at his school was aware he had someone waiting for him and he was one of only a handful in his grade with the uniqueness.
“How do you think you’ll find her?” Jongup was lying on his bed and staring at the television while Junhong sat on the floor, his head being lightly massaged by Jongup’s socked foot. “Your soulmate. Do you think you’ll get a girlfriend later on and have to prove it to each other? Like you’ll pinch your arm or something and hope she feels it?”
Junhong didn’t really want to talk about it because it always felt like a lie when Jongup was around. They had been best friends for years and he hated not telling him things. “No clue.” He made his voice nonchalant like he wasn’t secretly sweating under his thick hoodie and fingerless gloves. The palm of his left hand was red and puckered from something that had happened the night before. Now he not only had to deal with the marks on his arms but it was also moving down into his hands where it was harder to hide. “Hey do you want to stay the night? Yongguk has to work until eleven and I wanted to rent that new scary movie everyone’s been talking about.”
“You’re too scared to watch it by yourself.” Jongup poked him with his big toe and laughed, thankfully not commenting on his sudden change of subject. “You’re such a baby. I hope she’s braver than you.”
He thought his soulmate was the bravest person in the world for dealing with whatever they had to live through every day. Over the years he’d had a lot of time to speculate on what was causing everything and was pretty sure he had it figured out by now. At first he was angry because he thought his soulmate was doing this to himself, purposely damaging his skin while knowing that he was hurting his other half. For a long time Junhong hated him. Hate took so much effort though. So many nights curled into a ball in pain both mentally and physically and full of so much ache for something he couldn’t have. But as he grew older he realized that no matter how much pain he was in, the person he was supposed to love more than life itself was hurting a thousand times worse. That was when he decided the injuries weren’t self-inflicted. No matter how much his fury grew he would never be able to lace tracks up his skin all while knowing the damage he was causing.
“He has more bravery in one finger than I have in my whole body.” Junhong murmured, his eyes locked onto the tiny patch of skin showing between his shirt hem and glove. Silvery scars snaked around his wrist in jagged lines. He didn’t even notice the way Jongup’s toes stopped pressing into his neck, the massage freezing for only a split second before it continued without Junhong even noticing his mistake.
“I’ll call my mom after I win this race.” Jongup told him a few minutes later. “She never cares if I stay though.”
---
Junhong angrily swiped at the bruise across his jaw as he rummaged through the cabinet for his mother’s concealer. He had only used it once before to cover the dark circle around his eye but that was almost a year ago. At first a few days went by without a new injury and then weeks, weeks turned into months and he was optimistic that things were getting better but over the past few days his skin had started erupting again. Tiny bruises no bigger than a fingerprint appeared around his wrist before his jaw had felt like it was exploding and he ran to the mirror to see redness painted across the bone and up his cheek.
“It’s my turn in the bathroom!” Yongguk banged on the door, his normally quiet voice loud as he yelled for the third time to get in. “You’ve been in there for thirty minutes!”
“Just a minute!” Junhong finally found the bottle he was looking for and squeezed some onto his fingers. They were supposed to be leaving for Yongguk’s debate team performance in ten minutes and he wasn’t even dressed yet. If the tightness around his chest was any indication then things were going to get a lot worse before they got better. “Shit.” He dropped the glass bottle to the floor, but didn’t even notice the glass surrounding his feet because his lungs felt like they were constricting inside of him, tighter and tighter, breath sputtering out in gasps and moans.
Yongguk rattled the doorknob, his orders to open the door going unnoticed as Junhong dropped to his knees right into the tiny shards below him.
“I’m getting the screwdriver and coming in!” A minute later he burst through the door, shock covering his face. “Oh my god, what happened to you?” His cold fingers lifted Junhong’s head. “Junhong who did this to you?”
He shook him off. The pressure was receding but the pain was only growing stronger and he wasn’t sure how much longer he had before he blacked out. “Don’t tell mom and dad.”
Yongguk stared at him in horror and Junhong realized he had been standing in the bathroom getting dressed while his clothes hung on the bathroom curtain behind him. His brother’s eyes raked over the never before seen expanse of his chest and arms, mouth dropped open and a snarl building in his throat. “Is this from-“ He swallowed but couldn’t finish his question.
“Don’t tell.” Junhong gripped tightly onto Yongguk’s perfectly ironed shirt. “Don’t tell them, promise me.”
“I can’t, Junhong, I can’t- Jesus, how long?”
The alcohol Yongguk pressed into his knees stung and was a much needed jerk back to reality. He wasn’t strong enough for this. He was sixteen and should have been more concerned with his homework than the worry over a faceless stranger.
“Forever.” Every lifetime together, every second spent apart, every blink of the eye when they were out of each other’s sight for just a heartbeat, Junhong knew without a doubt how much hurt his mate had caused him over the centuries. “My chin…”
His brother winced at the bright red coloring of his skin. “It’s going to bruise and swell like crazy over the next few hours. Come on.” He helped Junhong to his feet and wrapped a steady arm around his waist. “Go get in bed and let me clean this mess up. I’ll cover for you with mom and dad but when I get home later we’re talking about this.”
He knew he’d be passed out for the night by the time they made it home but nodded anyways. “I wish I could find them.” His words were sloppy and thick with exhaustion. “Why would anyone do this?” Junhong let Yongguk tuck him into the bed just like he was a child again. It hurt to lick his lips and the feeling of his heartbeat pounding wildly under the white hot pain wasn’t even enough to keep his heavy eyes from slipping closed as Yongguk gently shut the bedroom door behind him.
The only thing that gave him comfort as he slipped off into unconsciousness was the fact that if he was in too much pain to stay awake then that meant his soulmate was also diving headfirst into the dark of sleep.
When he closed his eyes he dreamt of snow covered park benches and how they made him think of safety.
---
“She acted like she was the only person in the world to have one. If I had to listen to hear describe the shape of his lips one more time I was going to throw up.”
“They’re all like that. Except you, of course. I just don’t understand the importance of soulmates.” Jongup licked the chip dust off his fingers and kicked his feet up onto the coffee table. They had been forced to listen to one of their classmates brag they she had finally met her own mate over the weekend and after an entire school day of hearing about it they were both annoyed. “What gives the universe the right to pick and choose who absolutely has to be together? Isn’t that what free will is for? You should be able to pick who you want to live the rest of your life with because you love each other, not just because you feel you have to.”
“You wouldn’t want one if it was offered to you?”
Jongup looked at him, eyebrows pulled together in thought. “I think they do more harm than good. So no, I wouldn’t want one.”
An unamused laugh came from behind them. “Is that your honest opinion?” Yongguk dropped his backpack to the floor and stared at the back of Jongup’s head. “Most people would kill for what Junhong has. I would sell my damn soul if it meant having a soulmate that loved me.”
“That’s not what I meant, Yongguk.” For the first time in ages Junhong saw Jongup falter as he tried to quickly rephrase whatever he had said that set Yongguk off. Yongguk had been edgy for years over the topic and everyone was wise enough to stay silent when he was known to be around. “I just think it’s better to have a choice in the matter. Maybe you could naturally fall in love with that person anyways. Growing up while already knowing your life is on one path isn’t the funnest upbringing.”
Junhong didn’t know which path Jongup was referring to. The one Junhong was on where he had no choice but to keep striding towards his soulmates direction, or the one Jongup had been walking down since he was ten and had started mowing lawns over the summer just to help feed his family. Neither of them had a choice in the matter but had dealt with it as cheerily as possible.
“You don’t deserve a soulmate anyways.” Yongguk curled his lip in disgust even though Jongup was still refusing to face him. “You’re just a shitty kid with a shitty attitude who probably isn’t going to pass freshman year.” He stormed towards his bedroom and let the door slam shut behind him.
“Hey!” Junhong jumped up, ready to defend his best friend, but Jongup shook his head.
“Don’t worry about it, Junhong.” He plastered a smile on his face, but his normally bright eyes were dull. “Your brother’s always been a jerk. All of the kids in our school are like that when I’m around.” The chip bag was hastily thrown into Junhong’s lap as Jongup stood up and dusted his pants off. “I’m heading home. Mom has to work tonight so I’m in charge of the monster.”
Junhong scratched at the thin raised line on his wrist and wondered if life would have been better if soulmates had never existed.
Part two