The Reeducation of Himchan part six
Pairing: ZiChan, HimUp, BangLo
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.5K
part five
It took four days before Jongup agreed to meet with him after their fight and even after they awkwardly talked Himchan still didn’t feel things were 100% back to normal between them. They agreed to meet the next evening after supper for a movie and ice cream.
Sometimes Himchan wondered if that was all their relationship would ever amount to: kissing before the fighting and then days of silent treatment. He was so tired and he desperately needed the break that winter vacation offered.
“There’s just a month left of the semester and then you have two weeks to do nothing.” Junhong told him, gently pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and covering his hiding brother with it. “Himchan, you’re a mess lately. Why don’t you take a semester off and do a part time job or something instead?”
He mumbled tiredly into the pillow that his face had been buried in for the last ten minutes.
“If he has a nervous breakdown I can’t afford to pay for a hospital stay.” Yongguk spoke up from the kitchen table, chopsticks poised midway to his mouth. “So suck it up and stop being such a baby.”
They both turned to stare in surprise at the harsh words that Yongguk rarely ever used. He let Junhong handle all of the sarcasm and attitude and he always tried to stay silent in the corner.
“What?” Yongguk spit noodles across the table as he spoke. “You know I’m right. If it was anyone else you’d be saying the same thing, Junhong. Your brother’s been spoiled his entire life and he needs a wake-up call. What he really needs is to take care of himself for a while and gain some responsibility.”
This was more words strung together from Yongguk than the two of them had heard in weeks.
“Since when did you become a therapist?” Junhong crossed his arms and glared at his boyfriend. Someone was getting an earful later, he mused angrily. “What’s wrong with a little moping?”
Yongguk sighed. “This is more than moping. Any time real life feels a little too hard then Himchan does this. He goes into his little bubble and pushes everyone away and makes rash decisions like a child. I’m just tired of always having to tiptoe around him.” He shoved his chair backwards and stormed towards the bedroom, leaving his food half-finished at the table.
Himchan’s stomach was twisted into knots. “Is that what you think, too?” He asked his brother quietly, turning his face around towards the back of the couch again. “That I’m nothing but a child?”
“Well…” Junhong sat down next to his brother, fingers smoothing into the dark strands spread across the pillow. “Yes and no. You know that I’m happy we’re close now, right? That I hated us being so shitty to each other growing up and I know I might be overdoing it now by trying to take care of you, but… Himchan, you need someone to watch over you. There are moments where I really don’t think you’d survive if we weren’t behind you smothering you with every step. We worry about you.” He could hear the shaky breaths his brother was taking and he hated that his words were making Himchan upset, but he needed to hear the truth. “I liked your relationship with Zico not only because he was my best friend but because he also forced you to grow up a little. He didn’t coddle you or baby you like Jongup does. If you were doing something stupid then Zico would flat out say it. That was good for you.”
He wished everyone would stop talking about Zico to him. The name was enough to make his heart ache. When the memories started piling on it was enough to give him panic.
“I’m a damn adult. Maybe I would be okay on my own, you don’t know that.”
“No.” Junhong agreed sadly. “I don’t. But if you never do anything for yourself, only what everyone else expects from you, then you’re never going to get to prove that.” His lips skimmed across Himchan’s sunken cheeks. “Yongguk and I love you, okay? You’re pretty much the closest thing to a child we’ll ever have together. He didn’t mean his words so cruelly. He just wants you to be happy. Goodnight Himchan.”
His brother gave his hair one last stroke before he followed Yongguk into their bedroom for the night.
---
“Is he okay?” Yongguk sat at the edge of their bed with his face in his hands. “I didn’t make him cry, did I?”
“Just a little.” Junhong pushed his hands away so that he could sit across his knees. “He needed to hear it though.”
Yongguk took a deep breath of Junhong’s shampoo. “That kid is going to break him apart. And not the good way. He’s going to bury Himchan deeper and deeper with guilt until he just gives up and doesn’t even try anymore.”
Junhong knew Jongup loved his brother and he couldn’t fault him for that, but he was so intense and wanted their relationship to progress light years faster than Himchan was ready for. “Himchan needs a time-out. Somewhere where there’s no distractions, no boyfriends or ex-boyfriends, just him being calm and relaxed.”
The hands around his back slid lower over the seat of his jeans. “You’re what relaxes me.” Yongguk grinned cheekily at him. “The feel of your weight on me, the way your bare skin slides against mine.” He watched Junhong’s worried frown stretch into a smile. “When I’m next to you I can’t think of anything else.”
“Yeah?” Junhong loved the way his boyfriend turned the charm on him when they were alone. In public Yongguk wouldn’t dare say the romantic words or press tender kisses against the line of his jaw, but the second the front door closed he turned into a giant ball of fluff that only Junhong was allowed to see. “What exactly do you think of?”
A hum of reply against his pulse was his answer as Yongguk mouthed slowly down his skin. His fingers snaked up the bottom of Junhong’s shirt, chilly fingertips pressing into his increasingly heated flesh.
“No.” Junhong let his head fall to the side. “Stop, you’re distracting me. It’s my turn tonight.”
“Uh-uh.” Yongguk flipped him onto the bed, hovering over his belly with a smirk. “Not tonight.”
He opened his mouth to protest, but barely let the first syllable out when Yongguk’s tongue flattened over the front of his jeans, hot puffs of air soaking through the denim and straight over his boxers. “B- Oh, fuck.” Junhong jerked upwards in shock. “You can’t just do that without warning! I could have bitten my tongue off!” His hands tugged in annoyance at Yongguk’s short hair. “And no more distractions. It’s my turn to be in charge.”
“I don’t have any disagreement to that.” Yongguk was a lot calmer than he was as he carefully unzipped Junhong’s jeans and pulled them downwards, going ahead and pulling his boxers down with them. “But you’re going to be doing it with your legs in the air.”
“Do you seriously think that’s romantic?”
Yongguk mouthed at the crease between Junhong’s thigh and hip making his breath stutter. “Yeah, I kind of did.”
“Just shut up and suck my- dammit why do you keep doing that!”
---
It was a Thursday when everything he had carefully bandaged and repaired finally gave in and collapsed on top of him. It was a Thursday that shattered the glass walls he had encased himself inside of.
The number on his caller ID wasn’t familiar so Himchan answered it hesitantly. He normally didn’t answer numbers he didn’t know but Junhong was gone at his part-time job and Himchan worried it was him calling from the gas station saying he was stranded. Again. His brother had a bad habit of coming home with flat tires. Himchan thought it was on purpose so that Yongguk would don his coveralls and grunt and groan for an hour as he changed the tire.
“Hello?”
The voice on the other end was silent but he could hear breathing and what sounded like an intercom in the background.
“Hello? Who is this?”
“Hi. I-It’s me.” The quiet reply made Himchan’s hand grip tightly onto the receiver and he closed his eyes as wave after wave of want rocked his core. It had been so long since that voice was in his ear that he had been worried he had forgotten it. But his body recognized the familiar timbre and tones and betrayed him. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t bother you but I need you. I don’t have anyone else...”
“Where are you?” Himchan was already grabbing his keys off the table because even if his brain told him it was a bad idea it was Zico and he couldn’t ignore the pain in his voice.
Zico breathed heavily into his ear for a second, the sound of his crying making Himchan’s heart stop. “The hospital.” He finally managed to tell him. “Rinnie’s sick again. It’s bad, Himchan. Mom won’t even let me in to see her and I’ve been sitting in the waiting room for an hour and I just- I need you.”
He was on his way out the door, not even checking to make sure he locked it behind him. “I’m coming, just stay calm okay? Which hospital are you at, uptown or downtown?”
“Downtown.” Zico sniffed into the phone and Himchan wanted nothing more than to pull his head into his chest and let him cry it out and know he was safe. “She was at her dad’s house and she had a fever when I said goodbye to her this morning but I gave her medicine and it went down.” Talking seemed to give him something to focus on and calmed him down so Himchan stayed silent and let him speak. “He called us screaming that she started shaking and fell and she hit her head on his coffee table and I don’t even know what she looks like. I haven’t seen her and mom hasn’t come back out yet. When I got here he was covered in her blood and she’s just a baby, Himchan.” Zico finally broke down on the phone, crying so loudly that Himchan couldn’t understand him anymore.
“I’m on my way, I’ll be there soon, I promise.” He pulled onto the road and glanced around for cops before pressing the gas pedal halfway to the floor and watching the speedometer creep up line by line on the dashboard. “Your mother probably wants you to calm down before you go back, that’s all. If you’re hysterical you’ll make Rinnie hysterical.” He had almost two hours of driving to do but if he kept at this speed he would be there in less than an hour and a half. Even that seemed too long when Zico needed him right this second.
Zico tried to calm himself down but it took him so long that Himchan could hear the operator saying they only had two more minutes left for their call.
“I don’t have enough money to pay for another five minutes and I left my cell phone at home.”
“When we get disconnected you need to go straight into the bathroom and clean yourself up.” Himchan ordered. He ached for Rinnie but she had her mother taking care of her and right now. Zico had no one so Himchan forced himself to stay strong for him. “Blow your nose, clean your face, wash your hands, anything you need to do to calm down.”
They were silent again for a moment. Himchan listened to the faraway announcements happening over the speaker at the hospital and for a half a moment he second guessed what he was doing. But when Zico took a deep breath and whispered a quiet thank you Himchan didn’t care about what was right or wrong anymore.
Zico was above right or wrong to him and nothing about that had changed.
---
He pulled into the hospital parking lot one hour and twenty seven minutes after he had left the apartment. The gas gauge was bordering on empty and he had driven the entire time listening to nothing but the wind blowing around the car but none of that had even registered for him.
The downtown hospital was smaller than the uptown one so he knew exactly where the emergency room was located and was able to run directly for the big double doors out front. The first thing he saw when he careened into the waiting room was the broken expression of a man who could still look into his eyes and make his heart flutter like crazy.
“How is she?”
Zico let Himchan pull him forward and wrap himself tightly around the frail frame. He buried his face in his ex-boyfriends neck and murmured his name over and over as his hands fisted into Himchan’s t-shirt.
“Is Rinnie still back there?” He forced Zico to sit up and look at him. Zico’s eyes were wet with unshed tears but his smile was real and happy as he looked up at him. “Have you talked to your mom yet?”
He nodded his head but the smile dimmed a little. “They said she had a seizure and that’s what made her freeze up and fall. She hit her head hard enough to cause a concussion but they have her fever down to a better temp and mom said as soon as you got here I could go back and see her.” His forehead knocked into Himchan’s and he closed his eyes. “I can’t go back there without you with me. I can’t look at her like that if you aren’t there to help.”
Himchan was so close that if he blinked too hard his eyelashes would rub against Zico’s soft skin. He had dark circles lining his eyes and the lips that used to always rub so gently across his skin were chapped and torn and dry.
“I told you everything would be okay.” Himchan murmured. He pulled his head back and smiled at him. “You should know not to doubt me.”
The words made Zico wince and Himchan immediately realized his mistake.
“Yeah. Come on. I’m supposed to call mom in Rinnie’s room when you get here.”
They waited by the information desk with Zico vibrating nervously next to him until Himchan finally reached out and grabbed his hand to hold him still.
“My boys.” A happy voice spoke up from behind them. They turned to see Zico’s mother grinning down at their clasped hands. “Himchan sweetheart, where have you been?” She kissed his cheek and held his jaw in her palms, searching deep into his eyes. “We’ve missed you.”
He hadn’t realized until now just how much he had missed her because as soon as she touched him the love and affection that flowed from her palms was everything he had always wanted from his own mother and never gotten. “I missed you, too. How’s Rinnie?”
She dropped her hands and hooked an arm through Zico’s, leading them through the hallways. “Not great but better. Her fever’s going down finally and it’s only a mild concussion. She has to stay under observation for the next two days which she won’t be happy about when she wakes up.” They stopped in front of a closed door and Himchan could feel Zico start to panic again beside him. “Her face is swollen and there’s a bandage on her head. They’re done stabilizing her so she should be waking up anytime now. If you start to get too upset to stay then leave before she wakes up. Okay Zico?”
Zico’s fingers squeezed his so tight that Himchan flinched from the pain but he stayed silent and let him work through it on his own. “Okay.” He finally muttered. “You’ll stay right beside me?”
Himchan brought Zico’s arm to his chest and held it close. “Of course. I’m not going anywhere.”
They entered the small room and Zico immediately froze in the doorway when he saw his baby sister looking too small in the big bed. Her eyes were closed as the machines hooked up around her beeped in the quiet room.
“I’m right here.” Himchan told him. He told himself that if he cried then Zico would lose it and he had to stay strong for him. Rinnie had never looked so tiny and still before. She was full of life and giggles and smiles and didn’t belong in this sterile room. “Go tell your sister you love her.”
Zico nodded robotically and stepped towards the bed with Himchan one step behind him. “Sweet girl. Oppa loves you so much.” His hand swept across the unmarred side of her head and Rinnie stirred, a pout forming across her lips. “You need to wake up Princess.” The fingers curling her hair around her ear froze as he realized what he had said. “My only Princess.”
Rinnie whimpered, her swollen eyes trying hard to open. “Mommy?”
Their mother rushed over and wrapped her arms around Rinnie, tears shining in her eyes. “Mommy’s here sweetheart. We’re all waiting for you to wake up and see us. Your brother is here and even Himchan came to say hello.”
She struggled with herself until finally one eye cracked open and landed on Himchan’s face. “We broke up with you. You’re a bad boyfriend.”
Zico burst out into relieved laughter. He picked Rinnie’s small hands up in his own and kissed her knuckles and pressed her palms over his cheeks. “There’s my girl.”
---
It took Rinnie four more hours until she was able to sit up and start taking small sips of water. It was another two hours after that before they let her move out of intensive care and into a regular room.
Himchan’s phone died somewhere along the way without him noticing. He was so busy running back and forth to the cafeteria for more cups of coffee for everyone and using what little cash he had in his wallet to buy a Go Fish game from the hospital shop to pass the time that it was almost eleven before he realized he was starving and exhausted and hadn’t told his brother where he was going.
“Junhong’s going to kill me.”
Zico yawned widely, his tired eyes barely open. “You can go call him. We’re okay here.” He looked at the cards in his hands and tried to focus his mind on which ones he needed. “Have any threes?”
“Go fish.” Rinnie replied crossly. She didn’t like that they were forcing her to stay awake for long enough that they didn’t have to worry about her concussion anymore. Around nine o’clock she had started snapping at them and was now a tiny ball of anger on her bed.
“My phone’s dead.” Himchan pinched his arm and the jolt of pain gave him a bit of much needed wake up. “I’m surprised he hasn’t put a GPS on my car yet to keep tabs of where I go. He’s turned into my new mother since he moved in.”
“Here.” Zico’s mother looked through her purse until she found her cell phone. “It’s only got about ten percent battery left but it’s enough to make a quick phone call. Tell Junhong hello from me.”
He thanked her and took the phone outside where he begrudgingly dialed his brother’s number. If he knew Junhong as well as he thought he did his little brother was probably in a full-blown panic right now.
“Hello?” Junhong answered frantically. “Hello? Himchan?”
“It’s me. Sorry, my phone died.”
Junhong breathed a sigh of relief but the silence only lasted a few seconds before he exploded and Himchan had to pull his ear away from the loud phone.
“This phone is almost dead so can you save it until I get home?”
“Where are you? Whose phone is this? Are you okay?”
He rested against the hospital wall and rubbed his bleary eyes. “I’m at the hospital. Rinnie’s hurt and Zico called me. She’s okay now but she has to stay here for a couple more days.”
His brother was quiet on the other end as his explanation took a little bit longer than necessary to sink in. “You’re with Zico? Right now?”
“He’s upstairs. The three of us have been trying to keep Rinnie entertained all night. I’m about to drop though.”
“Jongup was looking for you.” Junhong sighed and held his hand over the mouthpiece to whisper something to Yongguk. “He came by a couple of hours ago. Have you not called him?”
Himchan was too sleepy to worry about the repercussions of coming here. Someone he cared about needed him and that was all he had needed to jump up and run to Zico’s side. Of course Jongup would be angry at him when they talked, he knew that. But he couldn’t deal with that tonight. Not when there was nothing he could do about it anyways.
“No. I just realized how late it was and figured I needed to call you. If he comes by again before I get home can you not tell him where I went?” Jongup needed to hear it from him and not sit on the news for hours only to grow more and more worried about it. “Nothing’s happened, I promise. I just can’t leave him until I know he’ll be okay.”
Junhong agreed, but hesitantly. “Just… Himchan… Don’t do this again, okay? Don’t change your mind based on who needs you the most right then and there.” He made him promise to come home soon and then hung up.
“Is he upset?” Zico was waiting for him beside the door when he came back into the hospital. “We haven’t spoken since…” He smiled sadly. Himchan hadn’t realized they had stopped talking and it was another tally into the ‘Himchan is the worst person ever’ column. “How are they doing, him and Yongguk?”
“Great.” Himchan followed Zico into the waiting room where they could sit and be alone and talk. “They’re almost creepily in love with each other. Yongguk looks at him like he can do no wrong and even when Junhong starts in with the bratty attitude he always apologizes the second Yongguk gets upset. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen them fight.”
Zico nodded, but his mind was obviously elsewhere. “I’m happy for him.” He lifted his head to look into Himchan’s eyes. “Why did you come?” Blinking in confusion, Himchan opened his mouth to ask what he meant but Zico went on over him. “I was flipping out and I called you out of instinct but why did you drop everything and come running? Why didn’t you tell me no?”
He stared down at the clenched fists in his lap and suddenly felt so stupid. “You said you needed me. I wasn’t going to just hang up on you and ignore that, Zico. If you regret calling me you could have said something four hours ago when it was dinner time and my phone was dead and I was getting ready to play my seventeenth round of Go Fish.”
“I never said that I regretted it, Himchan.” Zico’s voice turned softer as he lifted Himchan’s chin up. “But now that everything’s calmed down it just makes me curious. I didn’t call you for any underhanded reasons. You know that, right?”
His words said the right things but his eyes showed the same soft needy look that used to make Himchan press their lips together and make whispered promises against his mouth.
“I have a boyfriend now.” He watched the already dim light in Zico’s eyes fade at the words. “We’ve been together for four months.”
“Since we broke up.” Zico scooted away and tried hard to make his expression cheerful again. “I didn’t figure you would stay single for long. You’re too pretty for that.” He stood up and backed a few steps away to give them some distance. “Thank you for coming and helping but I think we’re all okay now. I’ll see you around, okay?”
Before Himchan could stop him he was already out of the waiting room and walking purposefully away.
“Wait!” He couldn’t let them leave each other like this, like they were strangers. Not after they had spent hours rebuilding something together. “Are you just going to walk away? Just like that?” Zico looked jittery and the circles under his eyes made him appear ashy in the harsh lights. “You told me once before that sometimes when you’re mad you say things you don’t mean and that I have to just ignore them. Well I’m ignoring them this time. I’m not leaving like this.”
Zico cocked his head to the side and looked at him, deep in thought. “Would he be mad? If he knew that right now you were a foot away from your ex-boyfriend. The one who you loved, who you realized you were gay for, who you talked about living together forever with.” At Himchan’s guilt-filled silence, Zico laughed bitterly. “But once again you don’t care. You didn’t care when I was your boyfriend and you were out with him so why should anyone expect you to start acting like a mature fucking grown-up and start caring now?” He took a step forward but it wasn’t to comfort Himchan like he used to it was to invade him, to make him uncomfortable and wary. “You’ll do the same thing to him that you did to me and when it’s all over and you’re alone you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. Go home, Himchan. Thank you for coming and taking care of me but I’m fine now. I have my family, I have the people who love me and there’s no room for spoiled little boys who think that smashing hearts is enjoyment.”
This time Himchan watched him go while knowing nothing he could say would make things right.
---
When he dragged himself into the apartment it was well past two in the morning and he wanted nothing more than to fall into the couch and never come up for air.
“Ow! Did you swallow an elephant or something?”
He ignored the hands pushing at his shoulders to move and snuggled himself into the crack between Junhong’s body and the back cushion. “Why are you out here?” He mumbled tiredly. “Where’s Yongguk?”
“In bed.” Junhong huffed and moved over leaving Himchan a few measly inches to cram his body into. “Where I should be. But instead I had to stay up and wait for your stupid ass to come home. How’s Rinnie? What happened?”
Himchan gave him the bare bones explanation but his eyelids were so heavy and it had been a long day. He was done. “Zico still hates me.” Was the last thing he was able to get out before sleep took him under and dreams of what should have been filled his mind.
part seven
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.5K
part five
It took four days before Jongup agreed to meet with him after their fight and even after they awkwardly talked Himchan still didn’t feel things were 100% back to normal between them. They agreed to meet the next evening after supper for a movie and ice cream.
Sometimes Himchan wondered if that was all their relationship would ever amount to: kissing before the fighting and then days of silent treatment. He was so tired and he desperately needed the break that winter vacation offered.
“There’s just a month left of the semester and then you have two weeks to do nothing.” Junhong told him, gently pulling the blanket off the back of the couch and covering his hiding brother with it. “Himchan, you’re a mess lately. Why don’t you take a semester off and do a part time job or something instead?”
He mumbled tiredly into the pillow that his face had been buried in for the last ten minutes.
“If he has a nervous breakdown I can’t afford to pay for a hospital stay.” Yongguk spoke up from the kitchen table, chopsticks poised midway to his mouth. “So suck it up and stop being such a baby.”
They both turned to stare in surprise at the harsh words that Yongguk rarely ever used. He let Junhong handle all of the sarcasm and attitude and he always tried to stay silent in the corner.
“What?” Yongguk spit noodles across the table as he spoke. “You know I’m right. If it was anyone else you’d be saying the same thing, Junhong. Your brother’s been spoiled his entire life and he needs a wake-up call. What he really needs is to take care of himself for a while and gain some responsibility.”
This was more words strung together from Yongguk than the two of them had heard in weeks.
“Since when did you become a therapist?” Junhong crossed his arms and glared at his boyfriend. Someone was getting an earful later, he mused angrily. “What’s wrong with a little moping?”
Yongguk sighed. “This is more than moping. Any time real life feels a little too hard then Himchan does this. He goes into his little bubble and pushes everyone away and makes rash decisions like a child. I’m just tired of always having to tiptoe around him.” He shoved his chair backwards and stormed towards the bedroom, leaving his food half-finished at the table.
Himchan’s stomach was twisted into knots. “Is that what you think, too?” He asked his brother quietly, turning his face around towards the back of the couch again. “That I’m nothing but a child?”
“Well…” Junhong sat down next to his brother, fingers smoothing into the dark strands spread across the pillow. “Yes and no. You know that I’m happy we’re close now, right? That I hated us being so shitty to each other growing up and I know I might be overdoing it now by trying to take care of you, but… Himchan, you need someone to watch over you. There are moments where I really don’t think you’d survive if we weren’t behind you smothering you with every step. We worry about you.” He could hear the shaky breaths his brother was taking and he hated that his words were making Himchan upset, but he needed to hear the truth. “I liked your relationship with Zico not only because he was my best friend but because he also forced you to grow up a little. He didn’t coddle you or baby you like Jongup does. If you were doing something stupid then Zico would flat out say it. That was good for you.”
He wished everyone would stop talking about Zico to him. The name was enough to make his heart ache. When the memories started piling on it was enough to give him panic.
“I’m a damn adult. Maybe I would be okay on my own, you don’t know that.”
“No.” Junhong agreed sadly. “I don’t. But if you never do anything for yourself, only what everyone else expects from you, then you’re never going to get to prove that.” His lips skimmed across Himchan’s sunken cheeks. “Yongguk and I love you, okay? You’re pretty much the closest thing to a child we’ll ever have together. He didn’t mean his words so cruelly. He just wants you to be happy. Goodnight Himchan.”
His brother gave his hair one last stroke before he followed Yongguk into their bedroom for the night.
---
“Is he okay?” Yongguk sat at the edge of their bed with his face in his hands. “I didn’t make him cry, did I?”
“Just a little.” Junhong pushed his hands away so that he could sit across his knees. “He needed to hear it though.”
Yongguk took a deep breath of Junhong’s shampoo. “That kid is going to break him apart. And not the good way. He’s going to bury Himchan deeper and deeper with guilt until he just gives up and doesn’t even try anymore.”
Junhong knew Jongup loved his brother and he couldn’t fault him for that, but he was so intense and wanted their relationship to progress light years faster than Himchan was ready for. “Himchan needs a time-out. Somewhere where there’s no distractions, no boyfriends or ex-boyfriends, just him being calm and relaxed.”
The hands around his back slid lower over the seat of his jeans. “You’re what relaxes me.” Yongguk grinned cheekily at him. “The feel of your weight on me, the way your bare skin slides against mine.” He watched Junhong’s worried frown stretch into a smile. “When I’m next to you I can’t think of anything else.”
“Yeah?” Junhong loved the way his boyfriend turned the charm on him when they were alone. In public Yongguk wouldn’t dare say the romantic words or press tender kisses against the line of his jaw, but the second the front door closed he turned into a giant ball of fluff that only Junhong was allowed to see. “What exactly do you think of?”
A hum of reply against his pulse was his answer as Yongguk mouthed slowly down his skin. His fingers snaked up the bottom of Junhong’s shirt, chilly fingertips pressing into his increasingly heated flesh.
“No.” Junhong let his head fall to the side. “Stop, you’re distracting me. It’s my turn tonight.”
“Uh-uh.” Yongguk flipped him onto the bed, hovering over his belly with a smirk. “Not tonight.”
He opened his mouth to protest, but barely let the first syllable out when Yongguk’s tongue flattened over the front of his jeans, hot puffs of air soaking through the denim and straight over his boxers. “B- Oh, fuck.” Junhong jerked upwards in shock. “You can’t just do that without warning! I could have bitten my tongue off!” His hands tugged in annoyance at Yongguk’s short hair. “And no more distractions. It’s my turn to be in charge.”
“I don’t have any disagreement to that.” Yongguk was a lot calmer than he was as he carefully unzipped Junhong’s jeans and pulled them downwards, going ahead and pulling his boxers down with them. “But you’re going to be doing it with your legs in the air.”
“Do you seriously think that’s romantic?”
Yongguk mouthed at the crease between Junhong’s thigh and hip making his breath stutter. “Yeah, I kind of did.”
“Just shut up and suck my- dammit why do you keep doing that!”
---
It was a Thursday when everything he had carefully bandaged and repaired finally gave in and collapsed on top of him. It was a Thursday that shattered the glass walls he had encased himself inside of.
The number on his caller ID wasn’t familiar so Himchan answered it hesitantly. He normally didn’t answer numbers he didn’t know but Junhong was gone at his part-time job and Himchan worried it was him calling from the gas station saying he was stranded. Again. His brother had a bad habit of coming home with flat tires. Himchan thought it was on purpose so that Yongguk would don his coveralls and grunt and groan for an hour as he changed the tire.
“Hello?”
The voice on the other end was silent but he could hear breathing and what sounded like an intercom in the background.
“Hello? Who is this?”
“Hi. I-It’s me.” The quiet reply made Himchan’s hand grip tightly onto the receiver and he closed his eyes as wave after wave of want rocked his core. It had been so long since that voice was in his ear that he had been worried he had forgotten it. But his body recognized the familiar timbre and tones and betrayed him. “I’m sorry. I wouldn’t bother you but I need you. I don’t have anyone else...”
“Where are you?” Himchan was already grabbing his keys off the table because even if his brain told him it was a bad idea it was Zico and he couldn’t ignore the pain in his voice.
Zico breathed heavily into his ear for a second, the sound of his crying making Himchan’s heart stop. “The hospital.” He finally managed to tell him. “Rinnie’s sick again. It’s bad, Himchan. Mom won’t even let me in to see her and I’ve been sitting in the waiting room for an hour and I just- I need you.”
He was on his way out the door, not even checking to make sure he locked it behind him. “I’m coming, just stay calm okay? Which hospital are you at, uptown or downtown?”
“Downtown.” Zico sniffed into the phone and Himchan wanted nothing more than to pull his head into his chest and let him cry it out and know he was safe. “She was at her dad’s house and she had a fever when I said goodbye to her this morning but I gave her medicine and it went down.” Talking seemed to give him something to focus on and calmed him down so Himchan stayed silent and let him speak. “He called us screaming that she started shaking and fell and she hit her head on his coffee table and I don’t even know what she looks like. I haven’t seen her and mom hasn’t come back out yet. When I got here he was covered in her blood and she’s just a baby, Himchan.” Zico finally broke down on the phone, crying so loudly that Himchan couldn’t understand him anymore.
“I’m on my way, I’ll be there soon, I promise.” He pulled onto the road and glanced around for cops before pressing the gas pedal halfway to the floor and watching the speedometer creep up line by line on the dashboard. “Your mother probably wants you to calm down before you go back, that’s all. If you’re hysterical you’ll make Rinnie hysterical.” He had almost two hours of driving to do but if he kept at this speed he would be there in less than an hour and a half. Even that seemed too long when Zico needed him right this second.
Zico tried to calm himself down but it took him so long that Himchan could hear the operator saying they only had two more minutes left for their call.
“I don’t have enough money to pay for another five minutes and I left my cell phone at home.”
“When we get disconnected you need to go straight into the bathroom and clean yourself up.” Himchan ordered. He ached for Rinnie but she had her mother taking care of her and right now. Zico had no one so Himchan forced himself to stay strong for him. “Blow your nose, clean your face, wash your hands, anything you need to do to calm down.”
They were silent again for a moment. Himchan listened to the faraway announcements happening over the speaker at the hospital and for a half a moment he second guessed what he was doing. But when Zico took a deep breath and whispered a quiet thank you Himchan didn’t care about what was right or wrong anymore.
Zico was above right or wrong to him and nothing about that had changed.
---
He pulled into the hospital parking lot one hour and twenty seven minutes after he had left the apartment. The gas gauge was bordering on empty and he had driven the entire time listening to nothing but the wind blowing around the car but none of that had even registered for him.
The downtown hospital was smaller than the uptown one so he knew exactly where the emergency room was located and was able to run directly for the big double doors out front. The first thing he saw when he careened into the waiting room was the broken expression of a man who could still look into his eyes and make his heart flutter like crazy.
“How is she?”
Zico let Himchan pull him forward and wrap himself tightly around the frail frame. He buried his face in his ex-boyfriends neck and murmured his name over and over as his hands fisted into Himchan’s t-shirt.
“Is Rinnie still back there?” He forced Zico to sit up and look at him. Zico’s eyes were wet with unshed tears but his smile was real and happy as he looked up at him. “Have you talked to your mom yet?”
He nodded his head but the smile dimmed a little. “They said she had a seizure and that’s what made her freeze up and fall. She hit her head hard enough to cause a concussion but they have her fever down to a better temp and mom said as soon as you got here I could go back and see her.” His forehead knocked into Himchan’s and he closed his eyes. “I can’t go back there without you with me. I can’t look at her like that if you aren’t there to help.”
Himchan was so close that if he blinked too hard his eyelashes would rub against Zico’s soft skin. He had dark circles lining his eyes and the lips that used to always rub so gently across his skin were chapped and torn and dry.
“I told you everything would be okay.” Himchan murmured. He pulled his head back and smiled at him. “You should know not to doubt me.”
The words made Zico wince and Himchan immediately realized his mistake.
“Yeah. Come on. I’m supposed to call mom in Rinnie’s room when you get here.”
They waited by the information desk with Zico vibrating nervously next to him until Himchan finally reached out and grabbed his hand to hold him still.
“My boys.” A happy voice spoke up from behind them. They turned to see Zico’s mother grinning down at their clasped hands. “Himchan sweetheart, where have you been?” She kissed his cheek and held his jaw in her palms, searching deep into his eyes. “We’ve missed you.”
He hadn’t realized until now just how much he had missed her because as soon as she touched him the love and affection that flowed from her palms was everything he had always wanted from his own mother and never gotten. “I missed you, too. How’s Rinnie?”
She dropped her hands and hooked an arm through Zico’s, leading them through the hallways. “Not great but better. Her fever’s going down finally and it’s only a mild concussion. She has to stay under observation for the next two days which she won’t be happy about when she wakes up.” They stopped in front of a closed door and Himchan could feel Zico start to panic again beside him. “Her face is swollen and there’s a bandage on her head. They’re done stabilizing her so she should be waking up anytime now. If you start to get too upset to stay then leave before she wakes up. Okay Zico?”
Zico’s fingers squeezed his so tight that Himchan flinched from the pain but he stayed silent and let him work through it on his own. “Okay.” He finally muttered. “You’ll stay right beside me?”
Himchan brought Zico’s arm to his chest and held it close. “Of course. I’m not going anywhere.”
They entered the small room and Zico immediately froze in the doorway when he saw his baby sister looking too small in the big bed. Her eyes were closed as the machines hooked up around her beeped in the quiet room.
“I’m right here.” Himchan told him. He told himself that if he cried then Zico would lose it and he had to stay strong for him. Rinnie had never looked so tiny and still before. She was full of life and giggles and smiles and didn’t belong in this sterile room. “Go tell your sister you love her.”
Zico nodded robotically and stepped towards the bed with Himchan one step behind him. “Sweet girl. Oppa loves you so much.” His hand swept across the unmarred side of her head and Rinnie stirred, a pout forming across her lips. “You need to wake up Princess.” The fingers curling her hair around her ear froze as he realized what he had said. “My only Princess.”
Rinnie whimpered, her swollen eyes trying hard to open. “Mommy?”
Their mother rushed over and wrapped her arms around Rinnie, tears shining in her eyes. “Mommy’s here sweetheart. We’re all waiting for you to wake up and see us. Your brother is here and even Himchan came to say hello.”
She struggled with herself until finally one eye cracked open and landed on Himchan’s face. “We broke up with you. You’re a bad boyfriend.”
Zico burst out into relieved laughter. He picked Rinnie’s small hands up in his own and kissed her knuckles and pressed her palms over his cheeks. “There’s my girl.”
---
It took Rinnie four more hours until she was able to sit up and start taking small sips of water. It was another two hours after that before they let her move out of intensive care and into a regular room.
Himchan’s phone died somewhere along the way without him noticing. He was so busy running back and forth to the cafeteria for more cups of coffee for everyone and using what little cash he had in his wallet to buy a Go Fish game from the hospital shop to pass the time that it was almost eleven before he realized he was starving and exhausted and hadn’t told his brother where he was going.
“Junhong’s going to kill me.”
Zico yawned widely, his tired eyes barely open. “You can go call him. We’re okay here.” He looked at the cards in his hands and tried to focus his mind on which ones he needed. “Have any threes?”
“Go fish.” Rinnie replied crossly. She didn’t like that they were forcing her to stay awake for long enough that they didn’t have to worry about her concussion anymore. Around nine o’clock she had started snapping at them and was now a tiny ball of anger on her bed.
“My phone’s dead.” Himchan pinched his arm and the jolt of pain gave him a bit of much needed wake up. “I’m surprised he hasn’t put a GPS on my car yet to keep tabs of where I go. He’s turned into my new mother since he moved in.”
“Here.” Zico’s mother looked through her purse until she found her cell phone. “It’s only got about ten percent battery left but it’s enough to make a quick phone call. Tell Junhong hello from me.”
He thanked her and took the phone outside where he begrudgingly dialed his brother’s number. If he knew Junhong as well as he thought he did his little brother was probably in a full-blown panic right now.
“Hello?” Junhong answered frantically. “Hello? Himchan?”
“It’s me. Sorry, my phone died.”
Junhong breathed a sigh of relief but the silence only lasted a few seconds before he exploded and Himchan had to pull his ear away from the loud phone.
“This phone is almost dead so can you save it until I get home?”
“Where are you? Whose phone is this? Are you okay?”
He rested against the hospital wall and rubbed his bleary eyes. “I’m at the hospital. Rinnie’s hurt and Zico called me. She’s okay now but she has to stay here for a couple more days.”
His brother was quiet on the other end as his explanation took a little bit longer than necessary to sink in. “You’re with Zico? Right now?”
“He’s upstairs. The three of us have been trying to keep Rinnie entertained all night. I’m about to drop though.”
“Jongup was looking for you.” Junhong sighed and held his hand over the mouthpiece to whisper something to Yongguk. “He came by a couple of hours ago. Have you not called him?”
Himchan was too sleepy to worry about the repercussions of coming here. Someone he cared about needed him and that was all he had needed to jump up and run to Zico’s side. Of course Jongup would be angry at him when they talked, he knew that. But he couldn’t deal with that tonight. Not when there was nothing he could do about it anyways.
“No. I just realized how late it was and figured I needed to call you. If he comes by again before I get home can you not tell him where I went?” Jongup needed to hear it from him and not sit on the news for hours only to grow more and more worried about it. “Nothing’s happened, I promise. I just can’t leave him until I know he’ll be okay.”
Junhong agreed, but hesitantly. “Just… Himchan… Don’t do this again, okay? Don’t change your mind based on who needs you the most right then and there.” He made him promise to come home soon and then hung up.
“Is he upset?” Zico was waiting for him beside the door when he came back into the hospital. “We haven’t spoken since…” He smiled sadly. Himchan hadn’t realized they had stopped talking and it was another tally into the ‘Himchan is the worst person ever’ column. “How are they doing, him and Yongguk?”
“Great.” Himchan followed Zico into the waiting room where they could sit and be alone and talk. “They’re almost creepily in love with each other. Yongguk looks at him like he can do no wrong and even when Junhong starts in with the bratty attitude he always apologizes the second Yongguk gets upset. I don’t think I’ve ever even seen them fight.”
Zico nodded, but his mind was obviously elsewhere. “I’m happy for him.” He lifted his head to look into Himchan’s eyes. “Why did you come?” Blinking in confusion, Himchan opened his mouth to ask what he meant but Zico went on over him. “I was flipping out and I called you out of instinct but why did you drop everything and come running? Why didn’t you tell me no?”
He stared down at the clenched fists in his lap and suddenly felt so stupid. “You said you needed me. I wasn’t going to just hang up on you and ignore that, Zico. If you regret calling me you could have said something four hours ago when it was dinner time and my phone was dead and I was getting ready to play my seventeenth round of Go Fish.”
“I never said that I regretted it, Himchan.” Zico’s voice turned softer as he lifted Himchan’s chin up. “But now that everything’s calmed down it just makes me curious. I didn’t call you for any underhanded reasons. You know that, right?”
His words said the right things but his eyes showed the same soft needy look that used to make Himchan press their lips together and make whispered promises against his mouth.
“I have a boyfriend now.” He watched the already dim light in Zico’s eyes fade at the words. “We’ve been together for four months.”
“Since we broke up.” Zico scooted away and tried hard to make his expression cheerful again. “I didn’t figure you would stay single for long. You’re too pretty for that.” He stood up and backed a few steps away to give them some distance. “Thank you for coming and helping but I think we’re all okay now. I’ll see you around, okay?”
Before Himchan could stop him he was already out of the waiting room and walking purposefully away.
“Wait!” He couldn’t let them leave each other like this, like they were strangers. Not after they had spent hours rebuilding something together. “Are you just going to walk away? Just like that?” Zico looked jittery and the circles under his eyes made him appear ashy in the harsh lights. “You told me once before that sometimes when you’re mad you say things you don’t mean and that I have to just ignore them. Well I’m ignoring them this time. I’m not leaving like this.”
Zico cocked his head to the side and looked at him, deep in thought. “Would he be mad? If he knew that right now you were a foot away from your ex-boyfriend. The one who you loved, who you realized you were gay for, who you talked about living together forever with.” At Himchan’s guilt-filled silence, Zico laughed bitterly. “But once again you don’t care. You didn’t care when I was your boyfriend and you were out with him so why should anyone expect you to start acting like a mature fucking grown-up and start caring now?” He took a step forward but it wasn’t to comfort Himchan like he used to it was to invade him, to make him uncomfortable and wary. “You’ll do the same thing to him that you did to me and when it’s all over and you’re alone you’ll have no one to blame but yourself. Go home, Himchan. Thank you for coming and taking care of me but I’m fine now. I have my family, I have the people who love me and there’s no room for spoiled little boys who think that smashing hearts is enjoyment.”
This time Himchan watched him go while knowing nothing he could say would make things right.
---
When he dragged himself into the apartment it was well past two in the morning and he wanted nothing more than to fall into the couch and never come up for air.
“Ow! Did you swallow an elephant or something?”
He ignored the hands pushing at his shoulders to move and snuggled himself into the crack between Junhong’s body and the back cushion. “Why are you out here?” He mumbled tiredly. “Where’s Yongguk?”
“In bed.” Junhong huffed and moved over leaving Himchan a few measly inches to cram his body into. “Where I should be. But instead I had to stay up and wait for your stupid ass to come home. How’s Rinnie? What happened?”
Himchan gave him the bare bones explanation but his eyelids were so heavy and it had been a long day. He was done. “Zico still hates me.” Was the last thing he was able to get out before sleep took him under and dreams of what should have been filled his mind.
part seven