The Reeducation of Himchan part five
Pairing: HimUp/ZiChan
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.6K
part four
Himchan didn’t think he could ever tire of having his mouth on Jongup somehow or another. Kissing him was just the tip of the iceberg. There were fingertips and the pulse in his neck and sharp collarbones and countless other spots that he could run his tongue across and make Jongup whimper in his arms.
“I have class in twenty minutes.” Jongup’s lips formed the words, but his hands held Himchan’s head still as he kissed his way down the curve of his shoulder.
“Uh-uh.” He pushed the strap of Jongup’s tank top over to reach the soft spot under it that was still flawless and unmarked. Himchan couldn’t very well have that. “Not done yet.”
Jongup laughed as he pushed him onto his back and straddled across his hips. “We’ve been in my room for two hours already. My roommate said that if you keep coming over every day we’re going to have to charge you rent.”
He pouted up at his boyfriend, his boyfriend of six days and give or take sixteen hours. Not that Himchan was keeping count or anything. “Why did you take summer classes? Remind me again?”
“So that I could keep my dorm and not have to move out over the summer.” Jongup leaned over to lay his head in the crook of Himchan’s neck. “It was either two classes this semester or I had to move home. Take your pick.”
He sighed at the heavy but comfortable feeling of Jongup atop his chest. The soft breaths hitting his throat and the playful fingers curling and uncurling into his hair could probably put him to sleep. Actually they had put him to sleep. Twice now he had been woken up by an angry Junhong on the phone demanding he come home because it was late.
“Alright, alright. Go to your stupid class.” He tilted Jongup’s face towards him and stroked along the line of his jaw. “Will I see you tonight?”
“Mmhmm.” Jongup closed his eyes and leaned into the soft touch that was a welcome change from the demanding ones for the last two hours. “Come over after dinner and we’ll go get a movie or something. I have to take my roommate out to eat because he’s been whining I’ve become boring lately.”
Himchan’s fingers stopped making Jongup growl and nudge his chin towards him. “What if you came over to my apartment instead?”
“You want me to come over?” Jongup’s brows pulled together in thought. “Will your brother be home?”
He nodded. “I want them to meet you.” Jongup let out an oomph as Himchan flipped them over and kissed him hard on the lips. “It’s time they met my boyfriend.”
Jongup grinned into the kiss, letting his legs wrap around Himchan’s waist holding him still even as the alarm on his phone blared out a warning that he was going to be late. “Alright. I’ll come by when we’re done eating.”
There was no telling what Junhong would say to Jongup when they finally met face to face, but he had promised that the second things started turning serious that he would let them meet. And as Jongup rushed them out the door with flushed cheeks and swollen lips pulled up into a smile Himchan had to admit that serious was where they were headed.
“Are you serious?” Junhong looked around the apartment in horror when Himchan told him the news after walking home. “We haven’t picked this place up in days. Yongguk’s been wearing the same underwear for a week. I don’t even know where the pizza box from last night ended up. And he’s coming here tonight?”
Himchan lifted the hoodie off the table to reveal the lost pizza box. “Yep. You better get to work. He’ll probably be here around six.”
Junhong turned to Yongguk and whimpered.
“You don’t work or go to school. You can help him, Himchan.” Yongguk held a hand up to silence Himchan’s excuses. “I work all day to pay for you two lazy asses. The least you can do is keep the apartment clean and wash the laundry.” He turned to Junhong with a scowl. “And I asked you if the boxers in the dresser were clean and you said yes.”
“And you never would have doubted me if I hadn’t of just told Himchan the truth.” Junhong replied matter-of-factly. “All you do is stand around in them all day why do they need to be washed so much?”
Yongguk leaned back on the couch and muttered a prayer under his breath. “I’m moving to Africa.” He decided. “And I’m not taking either of you with me.”
The two boys leaned across the back of the couch to nuzzle against Yongguk’s cheeks.
“You like me the best.” Himchan stomped Junhong’s foot.
“I gave you a blow job two hours ago that had you seeing God.” A poke to the ribs had him shrieking in Yongguk’s ear.
Yongguk covered his face with the couch cushion and screamed. “I hate you both.”
By the time the two had cleaned the apartment and Junhong had done three loads of laundry it was almost time for Jongup to come over and everyone was starving.
“Go get some food.” Junhong ordered, kicking Himchan’s leg off the top of Yongguk’s. “And don’t touch him.”
“You don’t pay rent. You go get the food.” Himchan replied, laying his head on Yongguk’s shoulder just to annoy his brother. “I did an hour’s worth of dishes while you sat in the laundry room and listened to your headphones. I think that means I get to stay home.”
Yongguk growled and pushed him off the couch onto the floor. “You don’t pay rent either. Your mother does it for the both of you. I want barbeque. Make it spicy.”
Himchan huffed, standing up and dusting his pants off. “Fine. But you two would miss me if I was gone.” He threatened, grabbing his phone and shoes.
When he was standing in line at their favorite barbeque restaurant down the street his phone vibrated with a picture of Jongup lit up on the screen.
“Hey! I’m on my way over. Are you home?”
Himchan was always jolted when he heard the soft voice in his ear on the line. Zico was so loud and boisterous in everything he did that Jongup’s gentleness threw him for a loop.
“I’m out getting food. Wait for me on the sidewalk and I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Jongup hummed in response. “See you in a few.”
He ordered for him and Yongguk and half wondered what Junhong would do if he came home without anything for him. It would almost be worth it to see his reaction one day, but not today. He didn’t want Jongup’s first time over to end with doctoring Himchan’s scratches and welts.
“You look tired.” Jongup grabbed a bag from him when he crossed the street ten minutes later. “We can do this another night if yo-“
“No, no.” Himchan led them through the corridor towards the elevator, waiting until the doors closed to press his lips to the corner of Jongup’s. “Junhong had a mad itch to clean the apartment before you showed up and Yongguk made me help. I’ve been doing dishes and vacuuming all afternoon.”
Jongup leaned into his shoulder and reached for his hand. “I’m scared. What if they don’t like me?”
He squeezed the hand holding tightly to his. “Then they’re idiots. Don’t worry, if you start to get scared we can go back to my room.”
“Really?” Jongup’s chewed up lips turned into a sly grin. “Then I’m completely terrified.” He kissed a path across his jaw while Himchan fumbled in his pockets for the keys. “Take me to your room and we can compare whose bed is softer.”
“Later.” Himchan promised with a wink, finally managing to get the door unlocked. “We’re back.”
Junhong jumped up off the couch and eyed Jongup like he was about to start an interrogation. “You must be Jongup.” He poked Yongguk and made him stand up with him. “I’m Junhong, Himchan’s brother. This is Yongguk.”
Jongup smiled shyly and waved, taking a step behind Himchan because Junhong’s suspicious gaze was making him nervous.
“Okay dads, you can sit down and leave him alone.” Himchan squeezed Jongup’s hand as he pulled him towards the couch. “I wasn’t even this bad when I found out you were dating Yongguk.”
“You threw all of his shoes in the trash. He had to wear his Tigger slippers to the mall to buy new ones.” Junhong spoke up from the other side of the couch. “And you tried to make me show you on a doll all the places Yongguk touched me inappropriately.”
“Oh my god.” Jongup snorted next to him.
He pointed angrily at his roommate. “He was sixteen you pervert.”
Yongguk held his hands up defensively. “He seduced me! I was trying to be nice and give him a ride somewhere and he practically chewed through my pants!”
“You liked it.” Junhong said smugly.
The tense boy next to him slowly started to unwind from the happy natured teasing and started to laugh at the insults the two brothers kept throwing at each other. When their supper was finished and Himchan was quiet and relaxed next to him he cautiously laced their fingers together.
“Hey.” Himchan turned towards him with a smile. His forehead rested comfortably over Jongup’s hair and he rubbed his cheek against it happily. Yongguk and his brother were quiet as they watched a movie on the TV, their arms and legs entangled where you couldn’t tell who was who in the dim room. “Having fun?”
He nodded, his free hand playing with their joined fingers on his lap. “Do you think they like me?” He whispered.
“I’m positive.” Himchan knew no one would ever be as good as Zico in his brother’s eyes but Jongup was so sweet that he could win anyone over easily enough. “Do you want to finish the movie?”
Jongup shook his head, fingers edging towards Himchan’s thigh. “Not really.”
“Take it to the bedroom.” Junhong’s sleepy voice made Jongup jerk his hand back in embarrassment. “I’m too innocent for this.”
“You lost your innocence in the backseat of Yongguk’s car, don’t even try with me.”
His brother raised an eyebrow at him in amusement. “You really thought I was a virgin?” He laughed and slapped Yongguk’s stomach. “He thought you were my first, Gukkie. How cute is that?”
Himchan stopped walking and hoped to god his baby brother was lying. “What.” He could feel Jongup shaking as he tried to hold back his giggles behind him. “Excuse me?”
Junhong’s fingers crisscrossed their way up an annoyed Yongguk’s belly. “Jihoon. When I was fourteen. I told you not to trust him.” His shiny eyes dimmed a little and Himchan was filled with rage at what the emotionless asshole might have done to him. “He’s not a nice person. So maybe you should be thankful towards Yongguk a little more because he would be perfectly fine having straight up vanilla sex with me every night.”
He grimaced and let Jongup succeed in tugging him towards the bedroom. “That’s disgusting. You two need an intervention.”
Jongup shut his bedroom door and covered his mouth with his hand. “You were right about them when you said they speak their mind.” He grinned widely as he leaned against the door and beckoned for Himchan to come closer. “I like them. They probably have a lot of fun teasing you.”
“They’re jerks.” Himchan pouted as Jongup wrapped arms around his neck. “Nobody’s ever nice to me.”
“I’m nice to you.” Jongup, in fact, was being very nice at the moment. As his nails scraped across Himchan’s scalp and his teeth snapped playfully at his jaw. “And now that we’re alone I can be as friendly as you want me to.”
It was obvious Jongup was hinting at wanting more from him but something kept holding Himchan back from anything but slow kisses and heavy petting. He had jumped so quickly into bed with Zico and it had ended with him brokenhearted and crying for a week straight. With Jongup he wanted to be sure, one hundred percent positive, that they were real before something they could never take back happened between them.
He missed calloused fingers scraping along the softness of his back. Murmurs against his ear of how perfect he was. Promises that would never come true no matter how hard he believed in them.
His body shushed him and he forced his thoughts back to the hands pushing him backwards towards the bed. “What are you doing?”
Jongup grinned at him as Himchan’s knees hit the side of the bed and he stumbled onto it with a lapful of warm Jongup. “I told you. I’m being friendly.” His legs straddled outside of Himchan’s and he squeezed them tight as the hesitant kisses against his lips turned into needy ones.
“You’re trying to kill me.” Himchan rasped against his mouth as Jongup’s weight dropped heavier onto his lap. His head fell back with every nudge and roll Jongup made against him until he was knotting his fingers into the boy’s thin t-shirt and panting into his jaw.
“I want more.” Jongup told him with a quiet whimper. He pressed Himchan against the bed before rolling them over and guiding his hand to the button of his jeans. “Please?”
Himchan wasn’t used to being the calm one in the bedroom. He had always been the one pleading and whining to be touched while Zico waited until he was about to scream to give him what he wanted. But Jongup was practically shoving Himchan’s hand down the front of his pants and he kept telling himself to keep a clear head and not let this lead to anything more than touches.
His fingers undid the button and he hesitated before pulling on the zipper. “Are you sure?”
Jongup nodded eagerly and raised his hips up in the air to let Himchan tug them down over his hips. “If I have to jack off in the shower one more time after leaving you I think I’m going to cry.”
Laughing, Himchan lowered his head to Jongup’s neck and kissed softly down the curve of his throat. “Am I that handsome?” Jongup hissed between his teeth as Himchan walked his fingers around the hem of his boxers. “I always thought so but it’s nice to hear it.”
“No teasing.” Jongup warned him when he tried to withdraw his touch for a moment. “I don’t like teasing.”
But he liked to play and joke. Zico always grinned with pride when he made Himchan crack up in the middle of whatever they were doing. He had almost ended one night as just half a man when he told Himchan a joke with his dick stuck halfway down his boyfriend’s throat.
Thoughts of his ex flooded his mind again and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get them out of his head this time. He didn’t want to keep one foot in Zico’s bedroom and one foot in Jongup’s all the time.
“You look scared.” Jongup stilled his hand with a frown. “What’s wrong?”
Himchan didn’t want to tell him he was remembering the time Zico had written his name in every patch of ticklish skin Himchan had. The curve of his elbow, the dip in the back of his knee, even the softness of his inner thigh where the wet sliding of the marker made him squirm.
“Nothing.” He forced a smile on his face and kissed Jongup as if the harder he forced them together the more Zico moved out of his mind. “Just wondering if they can hear us outside the door.”
“We can!” Junhong hollered loudly. “And you’re not as handsome as you think you are!”
---
It took two months for the cracks to form. For reality to start to seep in through the thick covering Himchan had put over their relationship.
The yearly meeting with his counselor at school took place a month after the fall semester started. He was over halfway done with his degree and these mandatory sessions were nothing but a bore to him. But this time he was paired with a new counselor and the first question out of her mouth was a shock to him.
“What… I don’t know what you mean?”
Her smile widened, fingers tapping on the edge of her desk. “Why did you choose a business major? What about the career interested you?”
No one had ever asked that question before. His mother had always told him that was the career he was going to enter and he had never thought twice about it. Not until he met Zico and he realized there was a life for him outside of his mother’s control. But by then it was too late to change degrees and he had no desire to start all over again with no money and so many classes down the drain.
“It’s safe.” The words came to him suddenly and he knew they were the truth. “I know exactly what I’m getting into.”
His counselor frowned as she stopped tapping and stared at him over the top of her glasses. “Himchan, that doesn’t sound at all like you being excited over it. Was there a path you would rather be on right now?” Her hand slid a glass bowl of candy across the desk towards him. “Let’s talk.”
When he left her office an hour later, and about three pounds heavier with all of the sweets she had piled on him, he was a mess of confusion and doubts. By the time he made it home only to find Jongup sprawled out in front of the apartment door he was near tears and didn’t want to play pretend house with his boyfriend.
“Hey!” Jongup jumped to his feet and grinned widely at him. “I thought you finished class earlier.” The worry on his face only served to annoy Himchan. He just wanted one day without someone questioning him or acting like he wasn’t smart enough to decide things for himself.
“I had a meeting. Do you want me to start sending you an itinerary of my days?”
Jongup blinked in confusion at the hostile tone Himchan had never before used on him. “I-I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me, Himchannie...”
Himchan unlocked the door without looking at the quiet boy because he just fucking knew Jongup had that kicked dog look on his face and if he saw it he would feel like shit and all he wanted to do right now was wallow in his moodiness.
“Look, I’m sorry.” He held the door open so Jongup could follow him into the empty apartment. Yongguk had class until four and Junhong was halfway through his shift at the gas station up the street. “I just had a bad day.”
Where Zico would roll his eyes and tease him for being melodramatic, Jongup actually looked concerned, asking what he could do to help as if Himchan’s outburst had never even happened.
“My counselor thinks I should consider changing majors. She said I should be working towards a job that I love.”
Jongup nodded as Himchan rubbed his face with a shaky hand. “That makes sense. Was there something else you wanted to do?”
Music was what he had dreamed of in primary school. Playing the piano and writing scores in his head helped him pass numerous nights ignoring his parents fighting. He wondered if he was nicer back then. If this was before he and Junhong grew so far apart because his mother pulled him one direction and left his baby brother two steps behind. Would they have grown up closer if he had been allowed to choose his own path?
“Not really.” He lied, sinking into the couch and immediately feeling the cushion dip next to him. “How was your class this morning?”
“Boring.” Jongup wrinkled his nose. “I have so many math classes I’m supposed to take. If I have to solve for X one more time today I might break my pencil.”
They grew quiet, Himchan’s fingers stroking gently through Jongup’s hair. Soft shaggy hair that was so different from Zico’s short strands. He always said he was too lazy to get it cut every month and when he buzzed it then he could go a few months without a trim. Himchan told him that was stupid and no one liked an army cut. But now he thought back to the way it made Zico’s eyes stand out with no messy hair in the way. How the inside of his thighs felt when the spikiness rubbed them raw.
A jolt of arousal shot through him, something he hadn’t felt in weeks. Between school and cleaning the apartment (because if you don’t work then you can clean, Yongguk had informed him sternly), he hadn’t had much time for anything but sloppy make out sessions with Jongup.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you.” He murmured quietly against Jongup’s temple. His lips skimmed the sharpness of his cheekbone and pressed feather-light against the corner of Jongup’s mouth. “I’ve been a shit boyfriend lately.”
“No you haven’t.” Jongup curled his fingers into Himchan’s shirt and pulled him down to lie on the couch. “You’re just stressed and that’s okay.” His back arched when Himchan’s hips rutted unexpectedly against his own. “But if you want to keep apologizing like this then I’m not going to stop you.”
Himchan wanted so many things. Wanted them so badly his soul hurt. Things he could never speak out loud. Promises and memories and crooked smiles that made his heart full.
“You deserve better than me.”
Jongup shook his head, eyes clenched shut tightly the harder Himchan rocked over him. His lips parted and a tiny moan made Himchan snap back to his senses and realize what he was doing.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean t-“
“Don’t.” Jongup’s legs crossed over his back and held him in place. “I don’t want you to stop.” His eyes cracked open so Himchan could see the delirium Jongup had started to fall into underneath him. “Please.”
He licked his lips and tried to tell himself to move away but it had been a long time since someone looked at him with so much want in their eyes and he didn’t think he had the strength in him to get up. “What do you want from me?”
Jongup reached a hand between them to palm against the front of Himchan’s jeans. “I want you to make love to me.” From anyone else the cheesy words would have made him roll his eyes, but Himchan knew Jongup well enough to know he was sincere in everything he said. His hand rubbed faster against him and Himchan was only about ten seconds away from giving in and letting Jongup have anything he wanted from him.
“But you’re only ei-“
“I’m an adult, Himchan.” Jongup laughed childishly even if his movements were far from innocent. “I masturbate and think about sex like all normal teenagers.”
It wasn’t necessarily his age that made Himchan nervous. It was his age combined with his intensity. How Jongup looked at him like he was the most beautiful creature in the world. He was pretty positive the only sexual experience Jongup had so far was with his hand and Himchan wasn’t sure if he was ready to be the one to change his entire life.
“I want to ride you.” The breathless words were whispered against his ear. It had been months since he’d seen the devilish side of Jongup that had confused and enticed him before they’d started dating. “I want you to dig your nails into my hips and fuck into me until I don’t even remember how to breathe.”
“Jongup-“
“I want you to moan my name, my name, no one else’s.” Jongup was close to begging, shaky fingers pulling at the button to Himchan’s jeans. “I want you to want me just as much as I want you.”
Himchan didn’t want to hear the broken sound in Jongup’s voice. If he acknowledged it then it was all true. Every doubt and regret was meaningful and real.
“Okay.” He let Jongup shove frantically at his jeans before moving onto his own, the pants quickly joined by a sweater and a t-shirt on the floor. It wasn’t the first time he had seen Jongup’s chest but it was the first time they had both been topless together, their skin sliding like silk against each other. “I don’t have any condoms.”
A smile curled up against his collarbone. “I have one.” Jongup reached over the couch and into his pocket to pull out the foil square, shame reddening his already flushed cheeks. “My roommate threw a box at me after you left the other night. Said that if he keeps having to hear us making out then he was finding a new dorm and to just sleep with you and get it over with.”
“Get it over with?”
Jongup pushed him up and straddled his hips with a grin. “His words, not mine.” He bit his lip shyly as his eyes roamed across Himchan’s bare chest and exposed legs. “No one will walk in on us?”
Himchan shook his head. He wanted Jongup to hurry up and kiss him. The slower he took this the more time the doubts had to creep into his conscious. He wanted Jongup, there was no doubt in his mind about that, but this felt wrong. “They won’t be home for a few hours. Are you really sure you want to do this? Like one hundred percent positive?”
He saw the exact moment when Jongup’s bright eyes dimmed and the happiness melted from his face. “You don’t want me.” Jongup stated it as a fact, eyelashes dampening with unshed tears. “You’ve never wanted me.”
“That’s not true.” Himchan’s palms slid up his hips, warm and heavy. “I’m here aren’t I? It’s just been a rough week and the thing with my counselor has me all mess-“
“It’s been two months, Himchan.” Jongup pushed his hands away and jumped off, stumbling around the floor as he redressed. “Two months and I still feel like the dirty little secret you are hiding from your real boyfriend.”
He watched him with parted lips and hands raised as if to stop the bitter words being thrown at him. “You are my real boyfriend, Jongup.”
“Yeah, just until he comes back again and says he’s sorry and everything will be different. You’ll go running right back to him and won’t even think twice about what will happen to me.”
Himchan wanted to rewind the clock five minutes so that he could stop all of this before it started. He would close his eyes and let Jongup do whatever he wanted to him, all of the illicit promises he had murmured into his ear as he had worked at his zipper.
“Zico never made time for me. He put everything else ahead of our relationship and I got tired of it.” Himchan told him honestly. What else was he supposed to do? Live the rest of his life loving a man who always put him second? Or third? Fourth? “We were having problems before I even met you. I never wanted you to feel like you were second-best, Jongup.”
“Well too bad.” Jongup swiped at his eyes and gave him a weak smile. “Because that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now.”
part six
Rated: PG13
Length: 4.6K
part four
Himchan didn’t think he could ever tire of having his mouth on Jongup somehow or another. Kissing him was just the tip of the iceberg. There were fingertips and the pulse in his neck and sharp collarbones and countless other spots that he could run his tongue across and make Jongup whimper in his arms.
“I have class in twenty minutes.” Jongup’s lips formed the words, but his hands held Himchan’s head still as he kissed his way down the curve of his shoulder.
“Uh-uh.” He pushed the strap of Jongup’s tank top over to reach the soft spot under it that was still flawless and unmarked. Himchan couldn’t very well have that. “Not done yet.”
Jongup laughed as he pushed him onto his back and straddled across his hips. “We’ve been in my room for two hours already. My roommate said that if you keep coming over every day we’re going to have to charge you rent.”
He pouted up at his boyfriend, his boyfriend of six days and give or take sixteen hours. Not that Himchan was keeping count or anything. “Why did you take summer classes? Remind me again?”
“So that I could keep my dorm and not have to move out over the summer.” Jongup leaned over to lay his head in the crook of Himchan’s neck. “It was either two classes this semester or I had to move home. Take your pick.”
He sighed at the heavy but comfortable feeling of Jongup atop his chest. The soft breaths hitting his throat and the playful fingers curling and uncurling into his hair could probably put him to sleep. Actually they had put him to sleep. Twice now he had been woken up by an angry Junhong on the phone demanding he come home because it was late.
“Alright, alright. Go to your stupid class.” He tilted Jongup’s face towards him and stroked along the line of his jaw. “Will I see you tonight?”
“Mmhmm.” Jongup closed his eyes and leaned into the soft touch that was a welcome change from the demanding ones for the last two hours. “Come over after dinner and we’ll go get a movie or something. I have to take my roommate out to eat because he’s been whining I’ve become boring lately.”
Himchan’s fingers stopped making Jongup growl and nudge his chin towards him. “What if you came over to my apartment instead?”
“You want me to come over?” Jongup’s brows pulled together in thought. “Will your brother be home?”
He nodded. “I want them to meet you.” Jongup let out an oomph as Himchan flipped them over and kissed him hard on the lips. “It’s time they met my boyfriend.”
Jongup grinned into the kiss, letting his legs wrap around Himchan’s waist holding him still even as the alarm on his phone blared out a warning that he was going to be late. “Alright. I’ll come by when we’re done eating.”
There was no telling what Junhong would say to Jongup when they finally met face to face, but he had promised that the second things started turning serious that he would let them meet. And as Jongup rushed them out the door with flushed cheeks and swollen lips pulled up into a smile Himchan had to admit that serious was where they were headed.
“Are you serious?” Junhong looked around the apartment in horror when Himchan told him the news after walking home. “We haven’t picked this place up in days. Yongguk’s been wearing the same underwear for a week. I don’t even know where the pizza box from last night ended up. And he’s coming here tonight?”
Himchan lifted the hoodie off the table to reveal the lost pizza box. “Yep. You better get to work. He’ll probably be here around six.”
Junhong turned to Yongguk and whimpered.
“You don’t work or go to school. You can help him, Himchan.” Yongguk held a hand up to silence Himchan’s excuses. “I work all day to pay for you two lazy asses. The least you can do is keep the apartment clean and wash the laundry.” He turned to Junhong with a scowl. “And I asked you if the boxers in the dresser were clean and you said yes.”
“And you never would have doubted me if I hadn’t of just told Himchan the truth.” Junhong replied matter-of-factly. “All you do is stand around in them all day why do they need to be washed so much?”
Yongguk leaned back on the couch and muttered a prayer under his breath. “I’m moving to Africa.” He decided. “And I’m not taking either of you with me.”
The two boys leaned across the back of the couch to nuzzle against Yongguk’s cheeks.
“You like me the best.” Himchan stomped Junhong’s foot.
“I gave you a blow job two hours ago that had you seeing God.” A poke to the ribs had him shrieking in Yongguk’s ear.
Yongguk covered his face with the couch cushion and screamed. “I hate you both.”
By the time the two had cleaned the apartment and Junhong had done three loads of laundry it was almost time for Jongup to come over and everyone was starving.
“Go get some food.” Junhong ordered, kicking Himchan’s leg off the top of Yongguk’s. “And don’t touch him.”
“You don’t pay rent. You go get the food.” Himchan replied, laying his head on Yongguk’s shoulder just to annoy his brother. “I did an hour’s worth of dishes while you sat in the laundry room and listened to your headphones. I think that means I get to stay home.”
Yongguk growled and pushed him off the couch onto the floor. “You don’t pay rent either. Your mother does it for the both of you. I want barbeque. Make it spicy.”
Himchan huffed, standing up and dusting his pants off. “Fine. But you two would miss me if I was gone.” He threatened, grabbing his phone and shoes.
When he was standing in line at their favorite barbeque restaurant down the street his phone vibrated with a picture of Jongup lit up on the screen.
“Hey! I’m on my way over. Are you home?”
Himchan was always jolted when he heard the soft voice in his ear on the line. Zico was so loud and boisterous in everything he did that Jongup’s gentleness threw him for a loop.
“I’m out getting food. Wait for me on the sidewalk and I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Jongup hummed in response. “See you in a few.”
He ordered for him and Yongguk and half wondered what Junhong would do if he came home without anything for him. It would almost be worth it to see his reaction one day, but not today. He didn’t want Jongup’s first time over to end with doctoring Himchan’s scratches and welts.
“You look tired.” Jongup grabbed a bag from him when he crossed the street ten minutes later. “We can do this another night if yo-“
“No, no.” Himchan led them through the corridor towards the elevator, waiting until the doors closed to press his lips to the corner of Jongup’s. “Junhong had a mad itch to clean the apartment before you showed up and Yongguk made me help. I’ve been doing dishes and vacuuming all afternoon.”
Jongup leaned into his shoulder and reached for his hand. “I’m scared. What if they don’t like me?”
He squeezed the hand holding tightly to his. “Then they’re idiots. Don’t worry, if you start to get scared we can go back to my room.”
“Really?” Jongup’s chewed up lips turned into a sly grin. “Then I’m completely terrified.” He kissed a path across his jaw while Himchan fumbled in his pockets for the keys. “Take me to your room and we can compare whose bed is softer.”
“Later.” Himchan promised with a wink, finally managing to get the door unlocked. “We’re back.”
Junhong jumped up off the couch and eyed Jongup like he was about to start an interrogation. “You must be Jongup.” He poked Yongguk and made him stand up with him. “I’m Junhong, Himchan’s brother. This is Yongguk.”
Jongup smiled shyly and waved, taking a step behind Himchan because Junhong’s suspicious gaze was making him nervous.
“Okay dads, you can sit down and leave him alone.” Himchan squeezed Jongup’s hand as he pulled him towards the couch. “I wasn’t even this bad when I found out you were dating Yongguk.”
“You threw all of his shoes in the trash. He had to wear his Tigger slippers to the mall to buy new ones.” Junhong spoke up from the other side of the couch. “And you tried to make me show you on a doll all the places Yongguk touched me inappropriately.”
“Oh my god.” Jongup snorted next to him.
He pointed angrily at his roommate. “He was sixteen you pervert.”
Yongguk held his hands up defensively. “He seduced me! I was trying to be nice and give him a ride somewhere and he practically chewed through my pants!”
“You liked it.” Junhong said smugly.
The tense boy next to him slowly started to unwind from the happy natured teasing and started to laugh at the insults the two brothers kept throwing at each other. When their supper was finished and Himchan was quiet and relaxed next to him he cautiously laced their fingers together.
“Hey.” Himchan turned towards him with a smile. His forehead rested comfortably over Jongup’s hair and he rubbed his cheek against it happily. Yongguk and his brother were quiet as they watched a movie on the TV, their arms and legs entangled where you couldn’t tell who was who in the dim room. “Having fun?”
He nodded, his free hand playing with their joined fingers on his lap. “Do you think they like me?” He whispered.
“I’m positive.” Himchan knew no one would ever be as good as Zico in his brother’s eyes but Jongup was so sweet that he could win anyone over easily enough. “Do you want to finish the movie?”
Jongup shook his head, fingers edging towards Himchan’s thigh. “Not really.”
“Take it to the bedroom.” Junhong’s sleepy voice made Jongup jerk his hand back in embarrassment. “I’m too innocent for this.”
“You lost your innocence in the backseat of Yongguk’s car, don’t even try with me.”
His brother raised an eyebrow at him in amusement. “You really thought I was a virgin?” He laughed and slapped Yongguk’s stomach. “He thought you were my first, Gukkie. How cute is that?”
Himchan stopped walking and hoped to god his baby brother was lying. “What.” He could feel Jongup shaking as he tried to hold back his giggles behind him. “Excuse me?”
Junhong’s fingers crisscrossed their way up an annoyed Yongguk’s belly. “Jihoon. When I was fourteen. I told you not to trust him.” His shiny eyes dimmed a little and Himchan was filled with rage at what the emotionless asshole might have done to him. “He’s not a nice person. So maybe you should be thankful towards Yongguk a little more because he would be perfectly fine having straight up vanilla sex with me every night.”
He grimaced and let Jongup succeed in tugging him towards the bedroom. “That’s disgusting. You two need an intervention.”
Jongup shut his bedroom door and covered his mouth with his hand. “You were right about them when you said they speak their mind.” He grinned widely as he leaned against the door and beckoned for Himchan to come closer. “I like them. They probably have a lot of fun teasing you.”
“They’re jerks.” Himchan pouted as Jongup wrapped arms around his neck. “Nobody’s ever nice to me.”
“I’m nice to you.” Jongup, in fact, was being very nice at the moment. As his nails scraped across Himchan’s scalp and his teeth snapped playfully at his jaw. “And now that we’re alone I can be as friendly as you want me to.”
It was obvious Jongup was hinting at wanting more from him but something kept holding Himchan back from anything but slow kisses and heavy petting. He had jumped so quickly into bed with Zico and it had ended with him brokenhearted and crying for a week straight. With Jongup he wanted to be sure, one hundred percent positive, that they were real before something they could never take back happened between them.
He missed calloused fingers scraping along the softness of his back. Murmurs against his ear of how perfect he was. Promises that would never come true no matter how hard he believed in them.
His body shushed him and he forced his thoughts back to the hands pushing him backwards towards the bed. “What are you doing?”
Jongup grinned at him as Himchan’s knees hit the side of the bed and he stumbled onto it with a lapful of warm Jongup. “I told you. I’m being friendly.” His legs straddled outside of Himchan’s and he squeezed them tight as the hesitant kisses against his lips turned into needy ones.
“You’re trying to kill me.” Himchan rasped against his mouth as Jongup’s weight dropped heavier onto his lap. His head fell back with every nudge and roll Jongup made against him until he was knotting his fingers into the boy’s thin t-shirt and panting into his jaw.
“I want more.” Jongup told him with a quiet whimper. He pressed Himchan against the bed before rolling them over and guiding his hand to the button of his jeans. “Please?”
Himchan wasn’t used to being the calm one in the bedroom. He had always been the one pleading and whining to be touched while Zico waited until he was about to scream to give him what he wanted. But Jongup was practically shoving Himchan’s hand down the front of his pants and he kept telling himself to keep a clear head and not let this lead to anything more than touches.
His fingers undid the button and he hesitated before pulling on the zipper. “Are you sure?”
Jongup nodded eagerly and raised his hips up in the air to let Himchan tug them down over his hips. “If I have to jack off in the shower one more time after leaving you I think I’m going to cry.”
Laughing, Himchan lowered his head to Jongup’s neck and kissed softly down the curve of his throat. “Am I that handsome?” Jongup hissed between his teeth as Himchan walked his fingers around the hem of his boxers. “I always thought so but it’s nice to hear it.”
“No teasing.” Jongup warned him when he tried to withdraw his touch for a moment. “I don’t like teasing.”
But he liked to play and joke. Zico always grinned with pride when he made Himchan crack up in the middle of whatever they were doing. He had almost ended one night as just half a man when he told Himchan a joke with his dick stuck halfway down his boyfriend’s throat.
Thoughts of his ex flooded his mind again and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t get them out of his head this time. He didn’t want to keep one foot in Zico’s bedroom and one foot in Jongup’s all the time.
“You look scared.” Jongup stilled his hand with a frown. “What’s wrong?”
Himchan didn’t want to tell him he was remembering the time Zico had written his name in every patch of ticklish skin Himchan had. The curve of his elbow, the dip in the back of his knee, even the softness of his inner thigh where the wet sliding of the marker made him squirm.
“Nothing.” He forced a smile on his face and kissed Jongup as if the harder he forced them together the more Zico moved out of his mind. “Just wondering if they can hear us outside the door.”
“We can!” Junhong hollered loudly. “And you’re not as handsome as you think you are!”
---
It took two months for the cracks to form. For reality to start to seep in through the thick covering Himchan had put over their relationship.
The yearly meeting with his counselor at school took place a month after the fall semester started. He was over halfway done with his degree and these mandatory sessions were nothing but a bore to him. But this time he was paired with a new counselor and the first question out of her mouth was a shock to him.
“What… I don’t know what you mean?”
Her smile widened, fingers tapping on the edge of her desk. “Why did you choose a business major? What about the career interested you?”
No one had ever asked that question before. His mother had always told him that was the career he was going to enter and he had never thought twice about it. Not until he met Zico and he realized there was a life for him outside of his mother’s control. But by then it was too late to change degrees and he had no desire to start all over again with no money and so many classes down the drain.
“It’s safe.” The words came to him suddenly and he knew they were the truth. “I know exactly what I’m getting into.”
His counselor frowned as she stopped tapping and stared at him over the top of her glasses. “Himchan, that doesn’t sound at all like you being excited over it. Was there a path you would rather be on right now?” Her hand slid a glass bowl of candy across the desk towards him. “Let’s talk.”
When he left her office an hour later, and about three pounds heavier with all of the sweets she had piled on him, he was a mess of confusion and doubts. By the time he made it home only to find Jongup sprawled out in front of the apartment door he was near tears and didn’t want to play pretend house with his boyfriend.
“Hey!” Jongup jumped to his feet and grinned widely at him. “I thought you finished class earlier.” The worry on his face only served to annoy Himchan. He just wanted one day without someone questioning him or acting like he wasn’t smart enough to decide things for himself.
“I had a meeting. Do you want me to start sending you an itinerary of my days?”
Jongup blinked in confusion at the hostile tone Himchan had never before used on him. “I-I’m sorry. Don’t be mad at me, Himchannie...”
Himchan unlocked the door without looking at the quiet boy because he just fucking knew Jongup had that kicked dog look on his face and if he saw it he would feel like shit and all he wanted to do right now was wallow in his moodiness.
“Look, I’m sorry.” He held the door open so Jongup could follow him into the empty apartment. Yongguk had class until four and Junhong was halfway through his shift at the gas station up the street. “I just had a bad day.”
Where Zico would roll his eyes and tease him for being melodramatic, Jongup actually looked concerned, asking what he could do to help as if Himchan’s outburst had never even happened.
“My counselor thinks I should consider changing majors. She said I should be working towards a job that I love.”
Jongup nodded as Himchan rubbed his face with a shaky hand. “That makes sense. Was there something else you wanted to do?”
Music was what he had dreamed of in primary school. Playing the piano and writing scores in his head helped him pass numerous nights ignoring his parents fighting. He wondered if he was nicer back then. If this was before he and Junhong grew so far apart because his mother pulled him one direction and left his baby brother two steps behind. Would they have grown up closer if he had been allowed to choose his own path?
“Not really.” He lied, sinking into the couch and immediately feeling the cushion dip next to him. “How was your class this morning?”
“Boring.” Jongup wrinkled his nose. “I have so many math classes I’m supposed to take. If I have to solve for X one more time today I might break my pencil.”
They grew quiet, Himchan’s fingers stroking gently through Jongup’s hair. Soft shaggy hair that was so different from Zico’s short strands. He always said he was too lazy to get it cut every month and when he buzzed it then he could go a few months without a trim. Himchan told him that was stupid and no one liked an army cut. But now he thought back to the way it made Zico’s eyes stand out with no messy hair in the way. How the inside of his thighs felt when the spikiness rubbed them raw.
A jolt of arousal shot through him, something he hadn’t felt in weeks. Between school and cleaning the apartment (because if you don’t work then you can clean, Yongguk had informed him sternly), he hadn’t had much time for anything but sloppy make out sessions with Jongup.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you.” He murmured quietly against Jongup’s temple. His lips skimmed the sharpness of his cheekbone and pressed feather-light against the corner of Jongup’s mouth. “I’ve been a shit boyfriend lately.”
“No you haven’t.” Jongup curled his fingers into Himchan’s shirt and pulled him down to lie on the couch. “You’re just stressed and that’s okay.” His back arched when Himchan’s hips rutted unexpectedly against his own. “But if you want to keep apologizing like this then I’m not going to stop you.”
Himchan wanted so many things. Wanted them so badly his soul hurt. Things he could never speak out loud. Promises and memories and crooked smiles that made his heart full.
“You deserve better than me.”
Jongup shook his head, eyes clenched shut tightly the harder Himchan rocked over him. His lips parted and a tiny moan made Himchan snap back to his senses and realize what he was doing.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean t-“
“Don’t.” Jongup’s legs crossed over his back and held him in place. “I don’t want you to stop.” His eyes cracked open so Himchan could see the delirium Jongup had started to fall into underneath him. “Please.”
He licked his lips and tried to tell himself to move away but it had been a long time since someone looked at him with so much want in their eyes and he didn’t think he had the strength in him to get up. “What do you want from me?”
Jongup reached a hand between them to palm against the front of Himchan’s jeans. “I want you to make love to me.” From anyone else the cheesy words would have made him roll his eyes, but Himchan knew Jongup well enough to know he was sincere in everything he said. His hand rubbed faster against him and Himchan was only about ten seconds away from giving in and letting Jongup have anything he wanted from him.
“But you’re only ei-“
“I’m an adult, Himchan.” Jongup laughed childishly even if his movements were far from innocent. “I masturbate and think about sex like all normal teenagers.”
It wasn’t necessarily his age that made Himchan nervous. It was his age combined with his intensity. How Jongup looked at him like he was the most beautiful creature in the world. He was pretty positive the only sexual experience Jongup had so far was with his hand and Himchan wasn’t sure if he was ready to be the one to change his entire life.
“I want to ride you.” The breathless words were whispered against his ear. It had been months since he’d seen the devilish side of Jongup that had confused and enticed him before they’d started dating. “I want you to dig your nails into my hips and fuck into me until I don’t even remember how to breathe.”
“Jongup-“
“I want you to moan my name, my name, no one else’s.” Jongup was close to begging, shaky fingers pulling at the button to Himchan’s jeans. “I want you to want me just as much as I want you.”
Himchan didn’t want to hear the broken sound in Jongup’s voice. If he acknowledged it then it was all true. Every doubt and regret was meaningful and real.
“Okay.” He let Jongup shove frantically at his jeans before moving onto his own, the pants quickly joined by a sweater and a t-shirt on the floor. It wasn’t the first time he had seen Jongup’s chest but it was the first time they had both been topless together, their skin sliding like silk against each other. “I don’t have any condoms.”
A smile curled up against his collarbone. “I have one.” Jongup reached over the couch and into his pocket to pull out the foil square, shame reddening his already flushed cheeks. “My roommate threw a box at me after you left the other night. Said that if he keeps having to hear us making out then he was finding a new dorm and to just sleep with you and get it over with.”
“Get it over with?”
Jongup pushed him up and straddled his hips with a grin. “His words, not mine.” He bit his lip shyly as his eyes roamed across Himchan’s bare chest and exposed legs. “No one will walk in on us?”
Himchan shook his head. He wanted Jongup to hurry up and kiss him. The slower he took this the more time the doubts had to creep into his conscious. He wanted Jongup, there was no doubt in his mind about that, but this felt wrong. “They won’t be home for a few hours. Are you really sure you want to do this? Like one hundred percent positive?”
He saw the exact moment when Jongup’s bright eyes dimmed and the happiness melted from his face. “You don’t want me.” Jongup stated it as a fact, eyelashes dampening with unshed tears. “You’ve never wanted me.”
“That’s not true.” Himchan’s palms slid up his hips, warm and heavy. “I’m here aren’t I? It’s just been a rough week and the thing with my counselor has me all mess-“
“It’s been two months, Himchan.” Jongup pushed his hands away and jumped off, stumbling around the floor as he redressed. “Two months and I still feel like the dirty little secret you are hiding from your real boyfriend.”
He watched him with parted lips and hands raised as if to stop the bitter words being thrown at him. “You are my real boyfriend, Jongup.”
“Yeah, just until he comes back again and says he’s sorry and everything will be different. You’ll go running right back to him and won’t even think twice about what will happen to me.”
Himchan wanted to rewind the clock five minutes so that he could stop all of this before it started. He would close his eyes and let Jongup do whatever he wanted to him, all of the illicit promises he had murmured into his ear as he had worked at his zipper.
“Zico never made time for me. He put everything else ahead of our relationship and I got tired of it.” Himchan told him honestly. What else was he supposed to do? Live the rest of his life loving a man who always put him second? Or third? Fourth? “We were having problems before I even met you. I never wanted you to feel like you were second-best, Jongup.”
“Well too bad.” Jongup swiped at his eyes and gave him a weak smile. “Because that’s exactly how I’m feeling right now.”
part six