The After part four
Pairing: Jongup-centric
Rated: PG13
Length: 3.9K
Part Three
Songs Again
Junhong didn’t get better over the next few weeks. Instead he seemed to be getting worse. Even with all of the warm blankets Himchan piled on him and the majority of their chicken soups that Yongguk patiently spoon-fed into his little brother’s mouth, nothing seemed to be working.
He made an effort to stay away until Junhong made one of his rare appearances out of the bedroom and purposely hobbled over to Jongup on the couch. “Himchan gave me some of his games. Do you want to play something with me?” His wide-eyed innocent blinking and hopeful set of his shoulders ate away at the barrier Jongup had formed around himself. He realized this was no way to treat a sick thirteen year old boy and that it was pathetic that Junhong had to be the one to build the bridge between them.
“Okay.” He nodded and ignored the pleased smile on Himchan’s lips. “What do you want to play?”
Junhong led them towards the bedroom with a tiny skip in his step, the joy at having partially made friends with the closest person his age was obvious with every happy bounce of his curls.
After that they were playing games together every day. Sometimes it was nothing but a quick hand of Go Fish with Jongup running out apologetically to help search the building. But usually they played more in-depth games like Monopoly, which Youngjae was a surprising whiz at.
“Do you like comics?” Junhong moved his checker to the back of the board and cheered as Jongup placed another one on top of it. “I used to have a ton of them! Yonggukkie bought them for me all the time!” His childish pout, that Jongup had learned only came out when he was thinking of home, emerged. “I only got to keep the ones that were in my backpack when he picked me up early from school.”
“What about your parents?” Jongup jumped over two of Junhong’s pieces. “Did they come with you?”
He shook his head, black curls whipping around his pale face. “No, Yongguk was too scared to go home and check on them. When he got me we got on his bike and he took us into the woods.”
Jongup wanted to ask how Yongguk could just abandon his home like that, what if their parents were worried sick when they didn’t come home from school? They probably imagined the worst, that their two sons were torn to shreds on the side of the road somewhere. But it was one of those “you never know what you’ll do until it happens” kind of things. If Daehyun had picked him up and said they had to go right then, leave behind everyone and everything they had ever known, he would do it.
“And you lived there this whole time?”
“Yep.” Junhong huffed under his breath as Jongup wiped out another of his checkers. “I liked the cabin. There was a dog and it stayed with us for a long time. Then it just ran away and we never saw Totomato again.”
More likely it was eaten, but Jongup didn’t want to be the one to tell him that.
---
Dogs. He dreamed of dogs. Ones with sharp teeth that sliced cleanly through his flesh like it was butter. Some that had small dull teeth that would take hours to tear through him until they were both covered with his blood.
So much teeth, always the teeth.
“Calm down, calm down. I’m here.” The deep voice instantly relaxed him, his muscles unclenching and fists loosening around the edge of the tub where he slept. “You’re okay, Guppie.”
His dreams were nonexistent after that, or if they did happen he wasn’t aware of them. All he knew was the sweet hum in his ears and security.
When he woke up the next morning he wasn’t surprised to find Himchan clinging to him, arms and legs wrapped securely around his body and deep breaths hitting him against the nape of his neck as they lay curled in the bottom of the deep bathtub. It had started out with him coming in a couple times a week, then most nights, now he couldn’t remember waking up without Himchan’s warm body entangled with his own.
“Himchan.” He muttered, trying sleepily to push the heavier boy away. “Get up.”
The mumbled protest was faint but Jongup faintly heard a ‘shut up’ somewhere in between the growls. A warm hand flattened against his chest and held his wiggling body still. “You sleep so much easier when I’m here.”
“Why do you keep coming in here every morning even though you know I’m just going to push you away?” A part of him hated Himchan for doing this to him. He shouldn’t have to scream every single time he woke up just to get some breathing room. But the other part wanted to grab him and hold him close because he was right. He did sleep better when Himchan was holding him. “Why do you keep trying to make them stop? They’re never going to stop no matter what you do!”
Himchan kept his back against the door so that he couldn’t slip past him. “Because I care about you.” He replied quietly, not knowing that the response sent knives through Jongup’s chest. “You deserve to feel safe in your dreams and I’m trying to give that to you.”
He shook his head and tried to sidestep Himchan’s quick movements. “Go care about Junhong then. He’s the youngest.”
Himchan’s lips quirked up in amusement. “Junhong has Yongguk. And Youngjae doesn’t need anyone. But you... You don’t like being alone any more than I do.” Strong hands gripped him around the neck and tugged him forward until he was pressed against Himchan’s chest, his lips soft against Jongup’s ear. “You don’t always have to be so strong, Jongup. Let me take care of you. You can trust me, you can depend on me.”
Jongup whined against his collarbones, his hands twitching to respond and reach for Himchan. “I can’t depend on anyone.”
“Yes you can.” Himchan held onto him tighter. “Be a man all you want in front of everyone else, but when it’s just us you can be vulnerable, you can show weaknesses. You’re just a teenager, god, you shouldn’t have this much stress in your eyes every day.” He pulled back slightly to tip Jongup’s chin up. “I will take care of you, Jongup. I promise.”
He forced his shoulders to loosen up and let his hands travel hesitantly around Himchan’s waist. This wasn’t the first person to make him promises. But he was older now and broken words couldn’t hurt him the same way as when he was fourteen, right? If Himchan someday had the same fate as Daehyun, it wouldn’t kill him. It wouldn’t.
“The last person who told me everything was okay wanted to kill me.”
Himchan sighed, his fingers sliding up to stroke through Jongup’s shaggy hair. “And I’m not them.”
A knock on the door had Jongup jumping back in embarrassment, his palms scrubbing his cheeks clean.
“You guys ready to head out?” Yongguk’s voice was cautious as if he wasn’t sure he should be interrupting them. “Sun’s already been up for a while.”
Jongup waited for Himchan to open the door before shoving past him. “Let me just grab my bag. Is Junhong coming out?”
Yongguk whispered a low ‘no’, his eyes straying towards the closed master bedroom door. “He’s not feeling good this morning. Youngjae is staying with him.”
They knew how hard it must have been for Yongguk to leave his brother when he was having one of his bad days, so Junhong must have been worse than Yongguk let on. He wouldn’t just go off to scavenge unless he was desperate. Jongup didn’t have the courage to tell him that this constant search for medicine wasn’t going to change things. All the medicines they would come across would have been long expired by now.
“Well three people are better than one.” Himchan smiled warmly at Yongguk as he came up to stand beside Jongup, arm skimming across his own as he moved. Jongup stepped away and ignored the curious look Youngjae was giving him. “We should be able to get through a few apartments today. That’s good, right?”
Jongup shrugged, throwing his backpack through the tunnel so that he could crawl out after it. He waited for the other two to follow him before carefully shutting the cabinet door. “It depends on what we find. We need almost twice the amount of food now so even though we’re doing more searching we’re not really gaining any supplies.”
They headed towards the sixteenth floor where Youngjae told them he had left off yesterday and started in on apartment 16C. Yongguk immediately found a pile of dusty comic books still piled neatly on a coffee table and let out a quiet whoop of glee.
“I know you said to find useful things, but Junhong would really love these!” He stacked them into his duffel and searched the bookcase for other books his brother might enjoy.
The other two searched through the kitchen cabinets, both disappointed to find nothing but emptiness and mothballs. Jongup headed to the bedrooms and straight to the closets. If they had no food then maybe they could score a win with some decent clothes.
“Here’s a women’s coat…” Himchan held out a thick red parka with a gold swirl design through the back. “I mean, if you’re cold enough you’ll wear anything, right?”
It would be a great gift for Youngjae, Jongup thought to himself. As payback for the time he found girl’s hiking boots in Jongup’s size and forced him to wear them for eight months until they fell apart.
He nodded and told Himchan to hold onto it.
By the time they left the first apartment they had the coat, the comic books and two tubes of brand-new toothpaste. Dental care was something all five of them agreed on. No one wanted to be mistaken for one of them.
Yongguk told them he would search 16D and they could go ahead to 16E. “All three of us don’t need to be doing this together. I have my gun so I’m okay on my own.”
They separated and Himchan followed Jongup happily into the apartment. “I have a bag of marshmallows saved, I bet Junhong would love those. They’re probably stale as hell but he’d still enjoy them. You think?” Without waiting for Jongup’s answer, Himchan continued as they spread out at opposite ends of the kitchen. “Maybe if we get done and he’s not too tired I can toast one over the fire for him. He’s a kid, he surely still enjoys that. I’m twenty-four and I wouldn’t turn one down.”
Jongup tuned the words out and just focused on the timbre of his voice, the deepness always washed over his body and sunk into his pores, relaxing him as they worked together. The other man didn’t seem to care that he wasn’t getting any responses to his comments and just kept chatting, occasionally interrupting himself to exclaim over a new find then starting back in where he left off.
“Beef jerky!” Jongup couldn’t help but to shout out over his unexpected find, startling Himchan into dropping the glass canister he was holding, the loud sound echoing through the quiet floor.
Yongguk came rushing in, gun drawn and eyes wide with fright. “What is it?!”
He turned to Yongguk with a wide grin, the biggest either of the two had ever seen on Jongup. “I love beef jerky!” He held the package out to Himchan, his excitement so bright and happy that Himchan couldn’t help but to smile along with him. “Look Himchan!”
“Well shit, Jongup.” Yongguk wiped his brow as he holstered his gun. “Next time dial it down a little. I about shot your head off.”
When he left he was grumbling under his breath but Jongup didn’t care, too busy trying to open the bag. “I thought I would never see this stuff again.” He explained to Himchan, sliding down the cabinet and spreading his legs out in front of him. “Youngjae and I have found two bags in the last three years. We took a week going through the last few pieces. Want some?” He held a strip out to Himchan.
It was hard to say yes to the question. Himchan wanted to tell him to save it for himself and enjoy it, but Jongup looked like he honestly wanted to share and he probably actually did. It wasn’t hard to see that Jongup was an eager to please teenager.
“Okay.” Himchan plopped down next to him and gratefully took the piece handed to him. “What flavor is it?”
“Sweet and sour.” Jongup flipped the package over to read the title. “My favorite is the spicy one. When The After first started we hit up all the convenience stores in our town and I had a whole backpack full of it. Wish I would have known then that it wouldn’t last and taken my time and enjoyed it.”
His faraway expression told Himchan that he wasn’t just referring to the dried meat.
“Tell me about Daehyun.” He tried to voice it in a whisper but Jongup reacted as if he had been slapped, his body instantly tightening and curling in on itself.
“How do you know about Daehyun?”
Himchan worded his reply carefully, knowing Jongup was seconds from bolting. “You say his name a lot. When you…” He winced. “When you dream.”
Jongup clenched his eyes shut tightly, the bag of beef jerky dropping to the floor forgotten. It was strange hearing someone besides him or Youngjae saying that name. It sounded like a foreign word coming out in Himchan’s raspy voice.
“I can’t- I don’t think I can talk about him.” He could feel Himchan moving closer but was too coiled up inside his body to stop him. “He’s gone.” Was the only answer he could give.
“Okay.” Himchan’s hand slid slowly over his own, the pale fingers fitting between his own. “Then tell me something else. Tell me something about Jongup.”
He could feel Daehyun’s memory leaving his mind as he concentrated on the way Himchan’s hand fit so snugly as it covered his. “Moon.” He murmured, turning his hand over so that they were palm to palm. “My name is Moon Jongup.”
Himchan didn’t say anything, just stroked his thumb across Jongup’s skin in response.
“I was fourteen when everything started. The day my mother died was the day my father packed us up and we ran. We didn’t stop until we got out of town.”
The bag was picked back up, plastic crumpling loudly in the room. Jongup slowly sucked on a strip, wanting to savor it for as long as possible.
After a while Himchan resumed chewing hurriedly on his. He didn’t like jerky as much as Jongup did but he was starving so the snack went quickly.
“I had a girlfriend when the first attacks happened.” Jongup’s head jerked up in surprise at his admission but he didn’t speak. “We hadn’t been dating long, only a couple of months. She didn’t know about my hidden rooms so when she came searching for me I hid from her.” Himchan chuckled humorlessly. “She’s probably dead now. I could have saved her, but I was too scared. I could see me and her in those rooms for the rest of our lives and I knew I couldn’t live like that. It’s my fault she’s dead.”
Jongup knew a lot about second-guessing and what if’s. He lived with those every day of his life, too. But something you learned pretty quickly when you were on your own was that you couldn’t save everyone. Sometimes the wrong thing was really the only thing you could do.
“Well you saved us.” He lifted himself to his feet and tugged Himchan up after him. “And you saved Yongguk and Junhong. Maybe saving us saved you, too.”
They shared a smile of understanding before Jongup let his hand go and went back to his earlier work. “Put the bag of jerky in with your stuff so I’m not tempted to eat it all. Youngjae will want some, too.”
---
They compared goods at the end of the afternoon, all of them wanting to get back upstairs to the safety of Himchan’s secret apartment before nightfall. Besides the finds from the first apartment they had also gotten a new pair of tennis shoes for Junhong, a leather glove that could prove useful in the winter even if its mate was gone, and eight cans of vegetables.
“I’m so sick of canned carrots.” Youngjae complained when they dumped their bags out over the kitchen table. “I wish for once we could find some canned corn or even some beets. I would take beets over carrots any day.”
Jongup threw him the pack of jerky and smiled at the expected gasp it earned.
“You found some more you lucky dog!” He tore into a piece and practically moaned at the taste. “I never thought I’d love dried meat so much in my life.” He held out the bag to Yongguk. “Go take Junhong some.”
Yongguk took it with a grin, his hands full of the comic books he had found for his little brother. They all heard the sick boy’s shout of joy when Yongguk entered the room. Jongup hoped those two unexpected presents were enough to cheer Junhong up for the rest of the day. He hated leaving him behind when they left to go searching. Even if they were working and leaving the apartment was dangerous it was still a chance to get out and do something and Junhong was always missing it.
He had some good days. Sometimes he was able to leave the bedroom for the entire day and spent his time laughing and telling corny jokes without any punch lines or showing them magic tricks from the couch.
Jongup loved those days.
Now he knew why Youngjae had been so protective when it was just the two of them.. Why he wanted to keep him sheltered and safe and do all of the dangerous jobs himself. Because when you had someone younger and smaller than you that looked at you so innocently and so trustingly, you would do anything for them.
But those good days rarely came.
And over time they started to come less and less.
---
“I’m on duty tonight.” Yongguk stretched out over the back of the couch, his head propped up on his palm. “It’s freezing in here. Bring me a blanket, Jae.”
Youngjae snarled at being spoken to with disrespect, but Jongup noted with amusement that he brought one out anyways. And not just any blanket, but the one he used on cold nights.
“I’m going to bed. Try not to get us killed tonight, Yongguk.”
The mischievous grin Yongguk shot back at him was missed as Youngjae ignored him and headed to his room. Youngjae had taken to sleeping in the storage room ever since Yongguk and Junhong had arrived and taken the master bedroom. It was a smaller space than he was used to, but every day their stock of food slowly dwindled and the room seemed bigger and bigger.
“I guess I’ll go, too.” Jongup yawned as he waved goodnight to Himchan and Yongguk.
“Do you think… Can’t you stay with me tonight?” Himchan jumped in front of him before he could leave, eyes trained on the floor and his hands clenched into tight fists. “Just to see how you do?” He could practically hear Jongup’s brain running through excuses to refuse him so he jumped towards him, hands outstretched. “You know you sleep better when I’m with you, Jongup. There’s nothing wrong with admitting it!”
A large part of Jongup wanted to just give in and let Himchan hold him all night, his even breathing was the only thing that kept the nightmares at bay.
But he had spent so long building this wall around him that knocking it down scared him more than facing a room full of the monsters.
“Please?”
He didn’t think he could say no the hopeful and fragile look on Himchan’s face. As if one word from Jongup could wreck him into tiny pieces.
“Okay.” He licked his suddenly dry lips and nodded. “I can try.”
Himchan’s face lit up brighter than the damn sun and Jongup kicked himself for letting the older man have this kind of hope when it was bound to turn out horribly wrong.
They ignored Yongguk’s smirk as they walked past him towards Himchan’s bedroom. Himchan quietly closed the door behind them and suddenly looked nervous. “Which side do you prefer?”
He shrugged, sitting down on the edge of the bed to untie his boots. “I haven’t slept in a real bed in months. I’ll be happy on either side.” He kicked his shoes off and pulled the hem of his shirt out of his jeans. “So… I guess we should go to sleep now.”
With a frown Himchan turned around to his dresser and rummaged through the drawers. He turned around with a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. “You don’t have to wear your dirty clothes to sleep in. That isn’t going to be very comfortable.”
Jongup didn’t think arguing would make a difference so he decided to make things easier and just go along with it. They turned their backs to each other as they changed, Jongup staying frozen until he heard Himchan’s quiet voice tell him it was okay.
They climbed into bed and stared awkwardly at the ceiling for a few moments until Himchan sighed and turned over onto his side. “This is uncomfortable.”
“A little bit.” Jongup smiled and reached over to squeeze Himchan’s hand. “I kept telling you it wasn’t a good idea.”
Himchan’s arm across his hip stopped Jongup from leaving the bed. “No. Just wait a little longer. We can do this.” He readjusted himself so that he was pressed against him. “What did you want to be when you grew up?” Himchan rested his head on his palm and smiled down at Jongup’s sleepy face. “In The Before. What did you want to do?”
Jongup had to think about it for a minute. That time was so long ago that he had forgotten a lot of unimportant things from it. “I think I wanted to build things. I don’t really remember. Maybe I could have built houses.”
“I was going to be an accountant. Boring, but that’s what my parents did and they always told me it would be a secure job.” Himchan chuckled. “Look at what their secure job got them.”
“It’s not like anyone could have guessed this was coming though. I think every job out there is now worthless.”
Himchan shrugged, his eyes still trained onto Jongup’s. “Do you miss your parents?”
That was an easy answer. “No.” Jongup yawned as he rolled over onto his side away from Himchan. “The only person I cared about back then was Daehyun. They were just… there.”
“You two were so close.” Himchan’s voice sounded tired. His fingers walked carefully across the dip of Jongup’s waist until his palm was pressed flat against his chest. “I wish I had someone like that. Someone I miss that much.”
“Would you miss me?”
Himchan smiled against the soft hairs on the back of his neck. “More than anything.”
Part Five
Rated: PG13
Length: 3.9K
Part Three
Songs Again
Junhong didn’t get better over the next few weeks. Instead he seemed to be getting worse. Even with all of the warm blankets Himchan piled on him and the majority of their chicken soups that Yongguk patiently spoon-fed into his little brother’s mouth, nothing seemed to be working.
He made an effort to stay away until Junhong made one of his rare appearances out of the bedroom and purposely hobbled over to Jongup on the couch. “Himchan gave me some of his games. Do you want to play something with me?” His wide-eyed innocent blinking and hopeful set of his shoulders ate away at the barrier Jongup had formed around himself. He realized this was no way to treat a sick thirteen year old boy and that it was pathetic that Junhong had to be the one to build the bridge between them.
“Okay.” He nodded and ignored the pleased smile on Himchan’s lips. “What do you want to play?”
Junhong led them towards the bedroom with a tiny skip in his step, the joy at having partially made friends with the closest person his age was obvious with every happy bounce of his curls.
After that they were playing games together every day. Sometimes it was nothing but a quick hand of Go Fish with Jongup running out apologetically to help search the building. But usually they played more in-depth games like Monopoly, which Youngjae was a surprising whiz at.
“Do you like comics?” Junhong moved his checker to the back of the board and cheered as Jongup placed another one on top of it. “I used to have a ton of them! Yonggukkie bought them for me all the time!” His childish pout, that Jongup had learned only came out when he was thinking of home, emerged. “I only got to keep the ones that were in my backpack when he picked me up early from school.”
“What about your parents?” Jongup jumped over two of Junhong’s pieces. “Did they come with you?”
He shook his head, black curls whipping around his pale face. “No, Yongguk was too scared to go home and check on them. When he got me we got on his bike and he took us into the woods.”
Jongup wanted to ask how Yongguk could just abandon his home like that, what if their parents were worried sick when they didn’t come home from school? They probably imagined the worst, that their two sons were torn to shreds on the side of the road somewhere. But it was one of those “you never know what you’ll do until it happens” kind of things. If Daehyun had picked him up and said they had to go right then, leave behind everyone and everything they had ever known, he would do it.
“And you lived there this whole time?”
“Yep.” Junhong huffed under his breath as Jongup wiped out another of his checkers. “I liked the cabin. There was a dog and it stayed with us for a long time. Then it just ran away and we never saw Totomato again.”
More likely it was eaten, but Jongup didn’t want to be the one to tell him that.
---
Dogs. He dreamed of dogs. Ones with sharp teeth that sliced cleanly through his flesh like it was butter. Some that had small dull teeth that would take hours to tear through him until they were both covered with his blood.
So much teeth, always the teeth.
“Calm down, calm down. I’m here.” The deep voice instantly relaxed him, his muscles unclenching and fists loosening around the edge of the tub where he slept. “You’re okay, Guppie.”
His dreams were nonexistent after that, or if they did happen he wasn’t aware of them. All he knew was the sweet hum in his ears and security.
When he woke up the next morning he wasn’t surprised to find Himchan clinging to him, arms and legs wrapped securely around his body and deep breaths hitting him against the nape of his neck as they lay curled in the bottom of the deep bathtub. It had started out with him coming in a couple times a week, then most nights, now he couldn’t remember waking up without Himchan’s warm body entangled with his own.
“Himchan.” He muttered, trying sleepily to push the heavier boy away. “Get up.”
The mumbled protest was faint but Jongup faintly heard a ‘shut up’ somewhere in between the growls. A warm hand flattened against his chest and held his wiggling body still. “You sleep so much easier when I’m here.”
“Why do you keep coming in here every morning even though you know I’m just going to push you away?” A part of him hated Himchan for doing this to him. He shouldn’t have to scream every single time he woke up just to get some breathing room. But the other part wanted to grab him and hold him close because he was right. He did sleep better when Himchan was holding him. “Why do you keep trying to make them stop? They’re never going to stop no matter what you do!”
Himchan kept his back against the door so that he couldn’t slip past him. “Because I care about you.” He replied quietly, not knowing that the response sent knives through Jongup’s chest. “You deserve to feel safe in your dreams and I’m trying to give that to you.”
He shook his head and tried to sidestep Himchan’s quick movements. “Go care about Junhong then. He’s the youngest.”
Himchan’s lips quirked up in amusement. “Junhong has Yongguk. And Youngjae doesn’t need anyone. But you... You don’t like being alone any more than I do.” Strong hands gripped him around the neck and tugged him forward until he was pressed against Himchan’s chest, his lips soft against Jongup’s ear. “You don’t always have to be so strong, Jongup. Let me take care of you. You can trust me, you can depend on me.”
Jongup whined against his collarbones, his hands twitching to respond and reach for Himchan. “I can’t depend on anyone.”
“Yes you can.” Himchan held onto him tighter. “Be a man all you want in front of everyone else, but when it’s just us you can be vulnerable, you can show weaknesses. You’re just a teenager, god, you shouldn’t have this much stress in your eyes every day.” He pulled back slightly to tip Jongup’s chin up. “I will take care of you, Jongup. I promise.”
He forced his shoulders to loosen up and let his hands travel hesitantly around Himchan’s waist. This wasn’t the first person to make him promises. But he was older now and broken words couldn’t hurt him the same way as when he was fourteen, right? If Himchan someday had the same fate as Daehyun, it wouldn’t kill him. It wouldn’t.
“The last person who told me everything was okay wanted to kill me.”
Himchan sighed, his fingers sliding up to stroke through Jongup’s shaggy hair. “And I’m not them.”
A knock on the door had Jongup jumping back in embarrassment, his palms scrubbing his cheeks clean.
“You guys ready to head out?” Yongguk’s voice was cautious as if he wasn’t sure he should be interrupting them. “Sun’s already been up for a while.”
Jongup waited for Himchan to open the door before shoving past him. “Let me just grab my bag. Is Junhong coming out?”
Yongguk whispered a low ‘no’, his eyes straying towards the closed master bedroom door. “He’s not feeling good this morning. Youngjae is staying with him.”
They knew how hard it must have been for Yongguk to leave his brother when he was having one of his bad days, so Junhong must have been worse than Yongguk let on. He wouldn’t just go off to scavenge unless he was desperate. Jongup didn’t have the courage to tell him that this constant search for medicine wasn’t going to change things. All the medicines they would come across would have been long expired by now.
“Well three people are better than one.” Himchan smiled warmly at Yongguk as he came up to stand beside Jongup, arm skimming across his own as he moved. Jongup stepped away and ignored the curious look Youngjae was giving him. “We should be able to get through a few apartments today. That’s good, right?”
Jongup shrugged, throwing his backpack through the tunnel so that he could crawl out after it. He waited for the other two to follow him before carefully shutting the cabinet door. “It depends on what we find. We need almost twice the amount of food now so even though we’re doing more searching we’re not really gaining any supplies.”
They headed towards the sixteenth floor where Youngjae told them he had left off yesterday and started in on apartment 16C. Yongguk immediately found a pile of dusty comic books still piled neatly on a coffee table and let out a quiet whoop of glee.
“I know you said to find useful things, but Junhong would really love these!” He stacked them into his duffel and searched the bookcase for other books his brother might enjoy.
The other two searched through the kitchen cabinets, both disappointed to find nothing but emptiness and mothballs. Jongup headed to the bedrooms and straight to the closets. If they had no food then maybe they could score a win with some decent clothes.
“Here’s a women’s coat…” Himchan held out a thick red parka with a gold swirl design through the back. “I mean, if you’re cold enough you’ll wear anything, right?”
It would be a great gift for Youngjae, Jongup thought to himself. As payback for the time he found girl’s hiking boots in Jongup’s size and forced him to wear them for eight months until they fell apart.
He nodded and told Himchan to hold onto it.
By the time they left the first apartment they had the coat, the comic books and two tubes of brand-new toothpaste. Dental care was something all five of them agreed on. No one wanted to be mistaken for one of them.
Yongguk told them he would search 16D and they could go ahead to 16E. “All three of us don’t need to be doing this together. I have my gun so I’m okay on my own.”
They separated and Himchan followed Jongup happily into the apartment. “I have a bag of marshmallows saved, I bet Junhong would love those. They’re probably stale as hell but he’d still enjoy them. You think?” Without waiting for Jongup’s answer, Himchan continued as they spread out at opposite ends of the kitchen. “Maybe if we get done and he’s not too tired I can toast one over the fire for him. He’s a kid, he surely still enjoys that. I’m twenty-four and I wouldn’t turn one down.”
Jongup tuned the words out and just focused on the timbre of his voice, the deepness always washed over his body and sunk into his pores, relaxing him as they worked together. The other man didn’t seem to care that he wasn’t getting any responses to his comments and just kept chatting, occasionally interrupting himself to exclaim over a new find then starting back in where he left off.
“Beef jerky!” Jongup couldn’t help but to shout out over his unexpected find, startling Himchan into dropping the glass canister he was holding, the loud sound echoing through the quiet floor.
Yongguk came rushing in, gun drawn and eyes wide with fright. “What is it?!”
He turned to Yongguk with a wide grin, the biggest either of the two had ever seen on Jongup. “I love beef jerky!” He held the package out to Himchan, his excitement so bright and happy that Himchan couldn’t help but to smile along with him. “Look Himchan!”
“Well shit, Jongup.” Yongguk wiped his brow as he holstered his gun. “Next time dial it down a little. I about shot your head off.”
When he left he was grumbling under his breath but Jongup didn’t care, too busy trying to open the bag. “I thought I would never see this stuff again.” He explained to Himchan, sliding down the cabinet and spreading his legs out in front of him. “Youngjae and I have found two bags in the last three years. We took a week going through the last few pieces. Want some?” He held a strip out to Himchan.
It was hard to say yes to the question. Himchan wanted to tell him to save it for himself and enjoy it, but Jongup looked like he honestly wanted to share and he probably actually did. It wasn’t hard to see that Jongup was an eager to please teenager.
“Okay.” Himchan plopped down next to him and gratefully took the piece handed to him. “What flavor is it?”
“Sweet and sour.” Jongup flipped the package over to read the title. “My favorite is the spicy one. When The After first started we hit up all the convenience stores in our town and I had a whole backpack full of it. Wish I would have known then that it wouldn’t last and taken my time and enjoyed it.”
His faraway expression told Himchan that he wasn’t just referring to the dried meat.
“Tell me about Daehyun.” He tried to voice it in a whisper but Jongup reacted as if he had been slapped, his body instantly tightening and curling in on itself.
“How do you know about Daehyun?”
Himchan worded his reply carefully, knowing Jongup was seconds from bolting. “You say his name a lot. When you…” He winced. “When you dream.”
Jongup clenched his eyes shut tightly, the bag of beef jerky dropping to the floor forgotten. It was strange hearing someone besides him or Youngjae saying that name. It sounded like a foreign word coming out in Himchan’s raspy voice.
“I can’t- I don’t think I can talk about him.” He could feel Himchan moving closer but was too coiled up inside his body to stop him. “He’s gone.” Was the only answer he could give.
“Okay.” Himchan’s hand slid slowly over his own, the pale fingers fitting between his own. “Then tell me something else. Tell me something about Jongup.”
He could feel Daehyun’s memory leaving his mind as he concentrated on the way Himchan’s hand fit so snugly as it covered his. “Moon.” He murmured, turning his hand over so that they were palm to palm. “My name is Moon Jongup.”
Himchan didn’t say anything, just stroked his thumb across Jongup’s skin in response.
“I was fourteen when everything started. The day my mother died was the day my father packed us up and we ran. We didn’t stop until we got out of town.”
The bag was picked back up, plastic crumpling loudly in the room. Jongup slowly sucked on a strip, wanting to savor it for as long as possible.
After a while Himchan resumed chewing hurriedly on his. He didn’t like jerky as much as Jongup did but he was starving so the snack went quickly.
“I had a girlfriend when the first attacks happened.” Jongup’s head jerked up in surprise at his admission but he didn’t speak. “We hadn’t been dating long, only a couple of months. She didn’t know about my hidden rooms so when she came searching for me I hid from her.” Himchan chuckled humorlessly. “She’s probably dead now. I could have saved her, but I was too scared. I could see me and her in those rooms for the rest of our lives and I knew I couldn’t live like that. It’s my fault she’s dead.”
Jongup knew a lot about second-guessing and what if’s. He lived with those every day of his life, too. But something you learned pretty quickly when you were on your own was that you couldn’t save everyone. Sometimes the wrong thing was really the only thing you could do.
“Well you saved us.” He lifted himself to his feet and tugged Himchan up after him. “And you saved Yongguk and Junhong. Maybe saving us saved you, too.”
They shared a smile of understanding before Jongup let his hand go and went back to his earlier work. “Put the bag of jerky in with your stuff so I’m not tempted to eat it all. Youngjae will want some, too.”
---
They compared goods at the end of the afternoon, all of them wanting to get back upstairs to the safety of Himchan’s secret apartment before nightfall. Besides the finds from the first apartment they had also gotten a new pair of tennis shoes for Junhong, a leather glove that could prove useful in the winter even if its mate was gone, and eight cans of vegetables.
“I’m so sick of canned carrots.” Youngjae complained when they dumped their bags out over the kitchen table. “I wish for once we could find some canned corn or even some beets. I would take beets over carrots any day.”
Jongup threw him the pack of jerky and smiled at the expected gasp it earned.
“You found some more you lucky dog!” He tore into a piece and practically moaned at the taste. “I never thought I’d love dried meat so much in my life.” He held out the bag to Yongguk. “Go take Junhong some.”
Yongguk took it with a grin, his hands full of the comic books he had found for his little brother. They all heard the sick boy’s shout of joy when Yongguk entered the room. Jongup hoped those two unexpected presents were enough to cheer Junhong up for the rest of the day. He hated leaving him behind when they left to go searching. Even if they were working and leaving the apartment was dangerous it was still a chance to get out and do something and Junhong was always missing it.
He had some good days. Sometimes he was able to leave the bedroom for the entire day and spent his time laughing and telling corny jokes without any punch lines or showing them magic tricks from the couch.
Jongup loved those days.
Now he knew why Youngjae had been so protective when it was just the two of them.. Why he wanted to keep him sheltered and safe and do all of the dangerous jobs himself. Because when you had someone younger and smaller than you that looked at you so innocently and so trustingly, you would do anything for them.
But those good days rarely came.
And over time they started to come less and less.
---
“I’m on duty tonight.” Yongguk stretched out over the back of the couch, his head propped up on his palm. “It’s freezing in here. Bring me a blanket, Jae.”
Youngjae snarled at being spoken to with disrespect, but Jongup noted with amusement that he brought one out anyways. And not just any blanket, but the one he used on cold nights.
“I’m going to bed. Try not to get us killed tonight, Yongguk.”
The mischievous grin Yongguk shot back at him was missed as Youngjae ignored him and headed to his room. Youngjae had taken to sleeping in the storage room ever since Yongguk and Junhong had arrived and taken the master bedroom. It was a smaller space than he was used to, but every day their stock of food slowly dwindled and the room seemed bigger and bigger.
“I guess I’ll go, too.” Jongup yawned as he waved goodnight to Himchan and Yongguk.
“Do you think… Can’t you stay with me tonight?” Himchan jumped in front of him before he could leave, eyes trained on the floor and his hands clenched into tight fists. “Just to see how you do?” He could practically hear Jongup’s brain running through excuses to refuse him so he jumped towards him, hands outstretched. “You know you sleep better when I’m with you, Jongup. There’s nothing wrong with admitting it!”
A large part of Jongup wanted to just give in and let Himchan hold him all night, his even breathing was the only thing that kept the nightmares at bay.
But he had spent so long building this wall around him that knocking it down scared him more than facing a room full of the monsters.
“Please?”
He didn’t think he could say no the hopeful and fragile look on Himchan’s face. As if one word from Jongup could wreck him into tiny pieces.
“Okay.” He licked his suddenly dry lips and nodded. “I can try.”
Himchan’s face lit up brighter than the damn sun and Jongup kicked himself for letting the older man have this kind of hope when it was bound to turn out horribly wrong.
They ignored Yongguk’s smirk as they walked past him towards Himchan’s bedroom. Himchan quietly closed the door behind them and suddenly looked nervous. “Which side do you prefer?”
He shrugged, sitting down on the edge of the bed to untie his boots. “I haven’t slept in a real bed in months. I’ll be happy on either side.” He kicked his shoes off and pulled the hem of his shirt out of his jeans. “So… I guess we should go to sleep now.”
With a frown Himchan turned around to his dresser and rummaged through the drawers. He turned around with a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. “You don’t have to wear your dirty clothes to sleep in. That isn’t going to be very comfortable.”
Jongup didn’t think arguing would make a difference so he decided to make things easier and just go along with it. They turned their backs to each other as they changed, Jongup staying frozen until he heard Himchan’s quiet voice tell him it was okay.
They climbed into bed and stared awkwardly at the ceiling for a few moments until Himchan sighed and turned over onto his side. “This is uncomfortable.”
“A little bit.” Jongup smiled and reached over to squeeze Himchan’s hand. “I kept telling you it wasn’t a good idea.”
Himchan’s arm across his hip stopped Jongup from leaving the bed. “No. Just wait a little longer. We can do this.” He readjusted himself so that he was pressed against him. “What did you want to be when you grew up?” Himchan rested his head on his palm and smiled down at Jongup’s sleepy face. “In The Before. What did you want to do?”
Jongup had to think about it for a minute. That time was so long ago that he had forgotten a lot of unimportant things from it. “I think I wanted to build things. I don’t really remember. Maybe I could have built houses.”
“I was going to be an accountant. Boring, but that’s what my parents did and they always told me it would be a secure job.” Himchan chuckled. “Look at what their secure job got them.”
“It’s not like anyone could have guessed this was coming though. I think every job out there is now worthless.”
Himchan shrugged, his eyes still trained onto Jongup’s. “Do you miss your parents?”
That was an easy answer. “No.” Jongup yawned as he rolled over onto his side away from Himchan. “The only person I cared about back then was Daehyun. They were just… there.”
“You two were so close.” Himchan’s voice sounded tired. His fingers walked carefully across the dip of Jongup’s waist until his palm was pressed flat against his chest. “I wish I had someone like that. Someone I miss that much.”
“Would you miss me?”
Himchan smiled against the soft hairs on the back of his neck. “More than anything.”
Part Five