i dropped out of college. i am lazy, unprepared for life. when i was a kid i woke up and played. i haven't really developed an apparatus for doing life particularly well if ambition, drive, non-slovenliness, wage-earning, and cumulative growth strategy are figured into the equation. i always feel like i am treading water. is that natural? i ( Read more... )

just had a negative review at work. there are some dangers to not caring i guess. not writing for other people it's nice occasionally to let the maudlin words flow ( Read more... )

last night i tried to go to one of those free movie screenings where you get or win passes, but have to show up at least an hour before the thing starts to really have a chance of getting in because they oversell the thing. it's only really worth it if it's a movie you really want to see. anyway, there's always the question of what route to take ( Read more... )

dopamine serotonin oxytocin

life is uncertain. i'm trapped in a cerebral cortex monkeybrain. contracting heart, sweaty brow. brain overrun with bacteria, a fungal growth called personality. we're stuck with each other, you and i, brain. cells subtracting and dividing.

i forget everything like a memento man. senility or just farm animal dumbness ( Read more... )

lying in bed jibber-jabbering with s. like firing flares into the empty expanding universe. my grazing monkey thoughts. my friend last night condemned cynicism. it made me feel defensive as i am cynical and don't believe in much of anything. he said something like "cynical people don't do anything." for which my mental response was "nobody ( Read more... )

how to filter. quality control. am i capable of figuring out the life i want to live or am i forever my child self at 7/11 with my allowance trying to figure out what candy or comic book to buy and thus also not buying all the other candies and comic books. maybe sitting with that choice is better than any selection or consummation.

a safe place to go quietly insane. make the most of mosting. pound the pleasure center until it is destroyed. radiate. radiate.

life has always been a vicious, unfair struggle. i would argue that because we cannot overcome nature (including our own) it will always be so. that's not an excuse to participate in the direct viciousness, just an excuse to endure. meanwhile my stupid batteries are running out, the minutes left in my day are running out, life trickles by like a ( Read more... )

i would like some hard drugs
preferably the kind that are meant to enter the body through a vein