FIC: 26 Short Drabbles about Simon and Ryan (PG-NC17)
Author: Clio
Title: 26 Short Drabbles about Simon and Ryan
Pairing: Simon Cowell/Ryan Seacrest
Rating: 01-11, 14-25, PG; 12-13, R; 26, NC-17.
Summary: A series of post-show backstage conversations between Simon and Ryan, plus one bonus phone call.
Length: 2600
Disclaimer: People sort of own themselves, don't they? Which means this is a work of fiction. Attributions for the quotes used for the titles in the end notes.
Notes: Inspired by other fandoms, as well as 26_drabbles, I wrote a dialog drabble for each Season 6 performance show from the semifinals through the final two, with results shows where appropriate. Includes references not only to goings-on on Idol, but also the Rymon stories I've written, because I always seem to think in continuing stories. 11 incorporates a conversation I had with dana_kujan. 01-20 and 26 looked over by evil_erato. 21-25 looked over by ali_wildgoose who gave crucial suggestions on 25.
Huge thanks to everyone who read and enjoyed these as the season went along, especially my fellow Rymon fans. Your conversations about each episode often inspired these drabbles, and your enjoyment of them added to the fun I had this season. See you all in January!
01 The Case of the Homosexual Panic1
Summary: In which Simon asserts his dominance.
Prompt: P is for Panic
Episode: Top 24 Boys
“God I hate boys’ semifinals.”
“They aren’t as good as the girls this year.”
“No, but what I hate is how you behave.”
“What-“
“You panic and take it out on me.”
“I don’t panic.”
“I suppose being surrounded by boys you can’t flirt with is trying…”
“I don’t panic.”
“…and I’d rather you take it out on me than on poor Paula…”
“I do not panic!”
“…as I’m the one getting rewarded later…”
“I-mmmff!”
“I will call you sweetheart whenever and wherever I want to. All right?”
“Okay, as long as you kiss me like that again.”
02 Boys Will Be Boys, and So Will a Lot of Middle-Aged Men2
Summary: In which Simon offers suggestions.
Prompt: R is for Rational
Episode: Top 24 Girls
“So what was that about?”
“You’re the one busy showing America how ‘straight’ you are.”
“I would never have dated Alaina.”
“Why not?”
“She’s got crazy eyes.”
“True. I was just trying to help.”
“Thanks. LaKisha was really good. Why are you smirking?”
“You were so relaxed and easy tonight.”
“So?”
“It proves my point. You panic on boys’ night.”
“How many times-I don’t panic.”
“Instead of panicking about flirting with Blake you might try flirting with girls other than LaKisha.”
“Shut up.”
“Make me.”
“You are such a child. Why am I with you?”
“The sex.”
“Oh yeah…”
03 From the Ranks of the Freaks Who Suspect They Could Never Love Anyone3
Summary: In which Simon pledges his troth.
Prompt: C is for Complete
Episode: Top 20 Boys
“Very relaxed tonight, Ryan. No panicking.”
“I never panicked in the first place.”
“Riiiiiight.”
“So, you were talking about me, weren’t you?”
“I said a lot of things tonight. Be specific.”
“To Sligh, about being saved?”
“That? No, I meant my mum.”
“Oh.”
“Of course I was talking about you. You knew that. You were beaming.”
“Later I thought you weren’t, since I’m not a woman.”
“This is why you should let me do all the thinking. I didn’t say woman; Sligh did.”
“Oh! Thank you darlin’, that was a sweet thing to say.”
“When do I get my reward?”
04 That's Not Purple, Mary; That Color Out There Is Mauve4
Summary: In which Ryan describes what used to be.
Prompt: O is for Over
Episode: Top 20 Girls
“Salmon my arse.”
“Oh whatever.”
“What were you doing admiring LaKisha’s legs like that, anyway?”
“Jealous?”
“No-o. One would think-my god, you did date big black girls at school, didn’t you?”
“High school. Not in LA. More of those girls in Atlanta.”
“I’m sure you bonded watching Oprah and eating nachos.”
“Simon…”
“Why not in LA?”
“I liked those girls. Once I got to LA, I didn’t want to date girls I liked.”
“Why not?”
“Well-“
“Ah. And now?”
“Now I date guys I don’t like.”
“Oh really? How is that working for you?”
“You tell me, darlin’.”
05 I'm Still Not to Be Had for the Price of a Cocktail, Like a Salted Peanut5
Summary: In which Ryan lays down the law.
Prompt: J is for Jealousy
Episode: Top 16 Boys
“You’re in a mood. Jealous much?”
“Who, me?”
“You glared at me every time I even got close to touching one of them.”
“Tight jeans…stubble…a jacket that actually fits…you look good enough to eat.”
“Hence the nibbling. Keep it in your pants.”
“Let’s do it here.”
“We have a bed and we’re using it. When you told me you wanted us to buy a house you said we wouldn’t be fucking in dressing rooms anymore.”
“I said we wouldn’t have to.”
“I know it’s hard-“
“I’ll say.”
“-but delay your gratification.”
“Tease.”
“Not me. I’m a sure thing.”
06 Her Voice Was Ever Soft, Gentle and Low-an Excellent Thing in a Woman6
Summary: In which both Ryan and Simon are dangerous in different ways.
Prompt: H is for Hold
Episode: Top 16 Girls
“I love that turtleneck.”
“You’d better; you’re the reason I’m wearing it.”
“You used your growl-voice with LaKisha and now I’m wondering if I really should be jealous.”
“At least she honestly wanted a hug, rather than wanting to piss you off.”
“Chris Sligh is an arse.”
“No kidding. Anyway, you’d hug LaKisha, too, if she asked you.”
“Without hesitation. But her family has practically adopted you.”
“I am a favorite of mamas, aunties and nanas the world around. Always have been.”
“Families tremble when they find out I’m dating their kids.”
“As well they should. You’re dangerous.”
“I try.”
07 He Turned to Me as If to Say: Hurry Boy, It's Waiting There for You7
Summary: In which Ryan is too smart to count his chickens.
Prompt: L is for Luck
Episode: Semifinals Results
“Ready for the party?”
“You’re wearing jeans.”
“After the way you acted this week I’m not wearing them on stage any more.”
“Don’t blame that on me; you always wear suits in the finals.”
“Still, I want to avoid a freak out like you had last year.”
“I’ll behave. Promise.”
“What has you in such a good mood? Approve of the finalists?”
“Just remembering the part of our trip they didn’t show. Come here.”
“Not too heavy?”
“Never. I’m a lucky man.”
“You are…”
“What?”
“I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“Suspicious?”
“You think I’m an idiot?”
08 Only Me Beside You, Still You're Not Alone8
Summary: In which Simon and Ryan discuss closets and Nanas.
Prompt: V is for Vulnerable
Episode: Top 12
“So that other shoe was a three-inch heel.”
“Don’t start. You wanted me to say it.”
“In front of Nana?”
“So you wouldn’t have to tell her? Absolutely.”
“You think she didn’t know?”
“When I met her before the show she didn’t treat me as the man corrupting her grandson, so I know she didn’t know.”
“Maybe she sees you as the man making her grandson happy. Think of that?”
“I’m making you happy?”
“In spite of yourself, yes. Come on, we’re taking her to dinner.”
“And she knows about us?”
“Yep.”
“Now I am nervous.”
“Good. You should be.”
09 Tell Me, Do You Want to See Me Do the Shimmy Again?9
Summary: In which Simon offers constructive criticism on Ryan's dancing talents.
Prompt: Z is for Zero
Episode: Top 11
“Kill me now.”
“I thought it was funny, actually.”
“I can’t believe I did that.”
“Oh calm down. Tomorrow they’ll be talking about your ridiculous dancing rather than your rude gesture.”
“You didn’t like it?”
“One, you looked like Johnny Carson … “
“Isn’t that a compliment?”
“Not in this instance. Two, you were flirting rather shamelessly with Blake.”
“Don’t do this again. First I’m too panicky, then I’m too flirty.”
“It isn’t me doing it.”
“Whatever. I thought you liked watching me dance.”
“Yes, in the privacy of our bedroom, scantily clad.”
“Command performance tonight, then?”
“Ooh, yes please.”
10 Sometimes You Make Me Want to Build a Model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian Waffles10
Summary: In which Ryan pushes Simon's buttons, using boots.
Prompt: D is for Dark
Episode: Top 10
“That suit looks almost as good as the jeans.”
“I’m glad you like it, darlin’. I know how you like to look at me.”
“Mugging for the camera, making the pretty couple with Blake. Everyone likes to look at you.”
“Not Blake; Blake likes to look at you.”
“Jealous?”
“Nope. Blake couldn’t handle you for longer than five minutes.”
“And you can?”
“And I have. I know where your buttons are and how to push them.”
“Then you should already know what I’m going to ask you.”
“You want me to wear the boots tonight? Done.”
“That’s my little fascist.”
11 No Use Permitting Some Prophet of Doom to Wipe Every Smile Away11
Summary: In which Ryan uses "Cake" to get Simon out of a bad mood.
Prompt: T is for Two
Episode: Top 9
“Did you wear that shirt to distract me with your cleavage?”
“No.”
“You gonna cheer up now that the American Songbook show is over?”
“No.”
“Or speak in words of more than one syllable?”
“No.”
“Then I get to talk with no interruption. I have gossip.”
“Oh?”
“Reliable sources tell me that Chris and Blake are doing it.”
“Really? What a pretty thought.”
“See, that got you talking. I suspect that Blake is a great big bossy top and Chris an adorable and playful bottom.”
“You have a wickedly fertile imagination.”
“All the better to seduce you with, my pretty.”
12 I Don't Want to Forget How Your Voice Sounds12
Summary: In which Simon names his price.
Prompt: N is for Never
Episode: Top 8
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“I’m not dancing for you.”
“I danced for you.”
“And?”
“Whatever. You’re dancing tonight.”
“Playing footsie on national television wasn’t enough?
“Nice try. I’d ask you to wear something tight and low-cut but that’s your entire wardrobe.”
“And you love it.”
“And you love being the center of attention.”
“Fine, what’s my reward?”
“What do you want?”
“Love that growl. I want you to shove your tongue up my arse until I come."
“You’re so vulgar, darlin’, you make me hot.”
“You’re not the only one who knows which buttons to push.”
13 Charm to Sooth a Savage Breast13
Summary: In which Ryan decides that maybe Simon doesn't need a bra after all.
Prompt: B is for Blue
Episode: Top 8 Results
“I need to make you blush more. You were so adorable it was all I could do not to kiss you.”
“Bit rude, about the bra.”
“Yeah, I take that back.
“Good.”
“Your tits look better free and jiggling.”
“I don’t have tits, Ryan.”
“You sure shook them for me last night.”
“They’re pecs. I’m a man, if you haven’t noticed.”
“Right now I notice your hard nipples poking through your shirt.”
“It’s cold.”
“It’s hot. Makes me wanna pinch one and suck the other, give it a little bite.”
“Take me home right now.”
“I’d better. You’re blushing again.”
14 The Sweetheart Rides the Rodeo Again14
Summary: In which Ryan proves he's an expert in Simon management.
Prompt: A is for Angry
Episode: Top 7
“What are you doing?”
“Um, taking off my makeup? Why?”
“You haven’t barged into my dressing room demanding an apology for what I said tonight.”
“Nope.”
“Aren’t you angry with me?”
“Nope.”
“Ryan.”
“Simon, if you had kept going, you would have bought us another two weeks of Sanjaya sympathy votes. I had to distract you.”
“By getting me to insult you?”
“I can take it. He can’t.”
“I’m beginning to think I’ve been managed.”
“You were, by an expert.”
“Hmph. But if you aren’t angry, do we still get a make-up shag?”
“Like I’m gonna say no to that.”
15 Bitter Turns to Sugar15
Summary: In which Ryan shows which of Simon's many moods he prefers.
Prompt: U is for Unbearable
Episode: Top 7 Results
“What a day.”
“Came out all right at the end, though.”
“Love that. Almost makes all the rest worthwhile.”
“See? I was right to stop you.”
“No, I was right to lay into him.”
“You are so irritating when you win that I almost prefer you when you’re glum.”
“Almost?”
“When you’re upset, you’re really high maintenance. When you’re pleased, the sex is better.”
“I’m always high maintenance. I’m worth it.”
“Oh god, here we go.”
“It’s why you love me.”
“No-no-no-no-no. I love you in spite of it.”
“So let’s go home and have some of that better sex.”
16 Just Slip Me On, I’ll Be Your Blanket16
Summary: In which Ryan asks Simon to say it.
Prompt: W is for Winter
Episode: Top 6
“Seriously, what’s with the shirt?”
“With the somber tone of tonight’s show I wanted to remind you of what’s really important: having sex with me.”
“Ah, I see. I love you, Simon Cowell.”
“Of course you do. Why now?”
“No matter what’s happening, you’re always yourself.”
“Is that a compliment?”
“Definitely.”
“All right then.”
“Say it.”
“Why?”
“We have a lot of tough things to get through, today and tomorrow, and I need to hear it.”
“Fine. I love you, Ryan Seacrest.”
“Thank you darlin’. Now, was that really so hard?”
“If it were easy it wouldn’t mean as much.”
17 There Is a Light Through That Window17
Summary: In which Simon asks Ryan to hold on.
Prompt: I is for Ice
Episode: Top 6 Results
“Don’t ever ask me to do that again.”
“If you’d touched me I would’ve lost it in front of millions of people. I couldn’t even look at you.”
“Standing around like an idiot with my hands in my pockets while you were hurting, watching footage of me standing around like an idiot with my hands in my pockets while you were hurting. I was right back in Kenya.”
“We comforted each other in the night. Anyway, Kenya wasn’t about us. Tonight wasn’t about me. ”
“So tonight we helped them. Now I want to help you.”
“Then don’t let go.”
18 Never Wash You Off My Face18
Summary: n which Ryan gets a special present.
Prompt: K is for Kiss
Episode: Top 6 Part Two
“You still have some on you.”
“You can see it?”
“I can taste it. If you’re going to make this a habit-“
“Oh, you’d love that.”
“-wear lipgloss that tastes better.”
“I’ll look into it. What?”
“You’re awfully agreeable lately.”
“Didn’t you say I make you happy? Perhaps you make me happy.”
“This isn’t just happiness. This is ungrouchiness. There’s a difference, and it’s suspicious.”
“I can’t be pleasant?”
“Nope, doesn’t last, so I should take advantage of it. Hmm. Can I have a pony?”
“No, but I’ll give you a ride later.”
“I like that even better.”
19 Well You’re Already in That Cage, Baby; You Built It Yourself19
Summary: In which Simon protects what's his.
Prompt: F is for Fear
Episode: Top 6 Part Two Results
“So we’re bad people?”
“No, but watching Chris and Blake made me think.”
“About what?”
“About showing how I feel instead of making convoluted jokes that you misunderstand.“
“Ryan, you could come out anytime. But you love how fake Hollywood is. You don’t want a real life any more than I do.”
“You’re reassuring me by calling us shallow?”
“Two shallow people in a deep, non-televised private relationship. I know what’s important and it isn’t telling US Magazine who I’m in love with.”
“But Simon-“
“They can’t have this. It’s ours.”
“It’s getting tougher to hide.”
“Then show me.”
20 Your Voice Across the Line Gives Me a Strange Sensation20
Summary: In which Ryan explains how the rules work.
Prompt: Q is for Quiet
Episode: Top 4
“I called you the next day.”
“What?”
“After our first date.”
“Simon, I was still there. We had breakfast. We fucked again after breakfast.”
“No, later.”
“Later we did the results show.”
“Now you’re being deliberately obtuse.”
“Oh, you mean in the car?”
“Yes, in the car.”
“That was a good phone call.”
“So there you go. I am the sort who calls the next day.”
“You can’t use me as an example.”
“Why not?”
“I’m the exception to every rule you ever had.”
“What?”
“Think about it, Cowell.”
“I … but …”
“See? I can even make you speechless.”
21 Show Me a Smile Then21
Summary: In which Ryan shows creative use of language.
Prompt: S is for Subtle
Episode: Top 4 Results
“Now I’m sad.”
“Me, too. But you know what cheered me?”
“What?”
“You managed to show how you feel after all.”
“Oh, yeah, that.”
“You weren’t talking about the show, now were you?”
“Well, you were on form … getting me into bed.”
“I was.”
“You were just brilliant last night … when you fucked me.”
“I’m very good.”
“I really enjoyed watching you … come.”
“It’s a pretty picture.”
“Thank you for being with me.”
“No place I’d rather be.”
“I appreciate everything you do … to get me off”
“Your pleasure is my pleasure.”
“Thank God for that.”
22 I Can’t Believe They Let You Run Around Free22
Summary: In which someone has a crush.
Prompt: E is for Echo
Episode: Top 3
“Why did you hit me about the head?”
“You were being obnoxious. Why did you accuse me of being drunk?”
“You were being ridiculous. You’re far too white to talk like that.”
“That’s why it’s funny.”
“Kissing Paula wasn’t funny?”
“No, it was weird.”
“You’re just jealous. And why did you say I have a musical crush? You’re the one with the crush.”
“Look who’s jealous! If you’d been nicer to him all this time maybe he’d like you as much as he likes me.”
“You are such a brat. Why am I with you?”
“The sex.”
“Oh yeah …”
23 Green Can Be Cool and Friendly-Like23
Summary: In which muppets are discussed.
Prompt: M is for Marks
Episode: Top 3 Results
“You going to be pissy all night?”
“No. She’ll be fine. I just don’t like surprises.”
“Then I’ll tell you now, I have to shave next week.”
“You are starting to look a bit like a muppet.”
“Really?”
“When you were scolding me, you had a very Kermit air about you.”
“Kermit doesn’t have any fur. He’s a frog.”
“Regardless, you remind me of Kermit.”
“You realize this makes you Miss Piggy.”
“Right, well, which muppet would suit me?”
“Dunno. Bert?”
“Bert?”
“Better than Oscar the Grouch. Anyone can call you that.”
“You’re certainly not just anyone.”
“I hope not.”
24 The Fundamental Things Apply24
Summary: In which Ryan waxes sentimental, only not really.
Prompt: G is for Goodbye
Episode: Top 2
“You were all over the place tonight.”
“I honestly cannot make up my mind.”
“Luckily you don’t have to.”
“But America needs me to make up their mind for them.”
“Oh, of course, I forgot.”
“So you like the shirt?”
“Very much.”
“And the man in it?”
“Him, I could take or leave.”
“You’ll have to, in a couple of months.”
“Don’t remind me. At least we’ll have the early summer.”
“Ryan, you make it sound like we’ll never see each other again. ‘We’ll always have Paris.’”
“More like, ‘We’ll always have CBS Television City.’”
“Less romantic.”
“But more us.”
25 For Once I Can Say This Is Mine You Can’t Take It25
Summary: In which Simon asks for this dance.
Prompt: Y is for Yes
Episode: Finale
“Simon, where have you been? You know how Connie gets about her In-and-Out Burger.”
“Your mother can wait a few minutes. Where has your CD player gone?”
“Over there. Is this where you’ve been, finding some song?”
“Not just ‘some song.’ I heard it tonight and it reminded me of you.”
“Yeah, I’m the wind beneath your wings, whatever. Let’s move.”
“Not that song. This one.”
“’For Once in My Life’? Reminds you of me?”
“I owe you a dance. May I have this one?”
“Are you going to lead?”
“Yes; I asked. Why?”
“I’m done leading for the night.”
26 I Need You So Much Closer26
Summary: In which Simon and Ryan take advantage of an 8-hour time difference, a lunch break, and a morning erection.
Prompt: X is for X-rated
Episode: Post-season, when Simon is back in London.
“Morning, darlin’.”
“Hello sweetheart. Feel my hand on your cock?"
“Ooh, yeah. Feel me sucking your nipple?”
“You’re still open and slick from the pounding I gave you last night.”
“I’m on my back spreading my legs for you.”
“Your arse is so tight.”
“You fuck me so good.”
“Jacking you off.”
“Pinching your hard nipples. S-so close.”
“Come for me. Say my name.”
“Simon, mine, yes …”
“Sounds so good, fuck, Ryan …”
“That was fast.”
“Well, I miss you.”
“I miss you too. But I love your wakeup calls.”
“Off you go. Call me later.”
“You know it.”
Title Quotes:
1Are we so freaked out over plagiarism that I have to footnote a convention?
2Kin Hubbard, American journalist and humorist
3"Save Me", Aimee Mann
4Angels in America, Tony Kushner
5All About Eve, Joseph Mankiewicz
6King Lear, William Shakespeare
7"Africa", David Paich (Toto)
8Into the Woods, Stephen Sondheim
9"Private Dancer", Mark Knopfler (Tina Turner)
10"You Make Me", "Weird Al" Yankovic
11"Cabaret", Fred Ebb and John Kander
12"Dance Dance", Fall Out Boy
13The Mourning Bride, William Congreve
14"The Sweetheart of the Rodeo", Emmylou Harris
15"My Ever Changing Moods", Paul Weller (Style Council)
16"I'll Cover You", Jonathan Larson
17"Prayer for the Dying", Seal
18"Night Drive", Jimmy Eat World
19Breakfast at Tiffany's, Truman Capote (novel), George Axelrod (screenplay)
20"Hanging on the Telephone", Jack Lee (Blondie)
21"True Colors", Tom Kelly and Billy Steinberg (Cyndi Lauper)
22"Jealousy", Liz Phair
23"Bein' Green", Joe Raposo
24"As Time Goes By", Herman Hupfeld
25"For Once in My Life", Stevie Wonder
26"Transatlanticism", Benjamin Gibbard and Christopher Walla (Death Cab for Cutie)
Title: 26 Short Drabbles about Simon and Ryan
Pairing: Simon Cowell/Ryan Seacrest
Rating: 01-11, 14-25, PG; 12-13, R; 26, NC-17.
Summary: A series of post-show backstage conversations between Simon and Ryan, plus one bonus phone call.
Length: 2600
Disclaimer: People sort of own themselves, don't they? Which means this is a work of fiction. Attributions for the quotes used for the titles in the end notes.
Notes: Inspired by other fandoms, as well as 26_drabbles, I wrote a dialog drabble for each Season 6 performance show from the semifinals through the final two, with results shows where appropriate. Includes references not only to goings-on on Idol, but also the Rymon stories I've written, because I always seem to think in continuing stories. 11 incorporates a conversation I had with dana_kujan. 01-20 and 26 looked over by evil_erato. 21-25 looked over by ali_wildgoose who gave crucial suggestions on 25.
Huge thanks to everyone who read and enjoyed these as the season went along, especially my fellow Rymon fans. Your conversations about each episode often inspired these drabbles, and your enjoyment of them added to the fun I had this season. See you all in January!
01 The Case of the Homosexual Panic1
Summary: In which Simon asserts his dominance.
Prompt: P is for Panic
Episode: Top 24 Boys
“God I hate boys’ semifinals.”
“They aren’t as good as the girls this year.”
“No, but what I hate is how you behave.”
“What-“
“You panic and take it out on me.”
“I don’t panic.”
“I suppose being surrounded by boys you can’t flirt with is trying…”
“I don’t panic.”
“…and I’d rather you take it out on me than on poor Paula…”
“I do not panic!”
“…as I’m the one getting rewarded later…”
“I-mmmff!”
“I will call you sweetheart whenever and wherever I want to. All right?”
“Okay, as long as you kiss me like that again.”
02 Boys Will Be Boys, and So Will a Lot of Middle-Aged Men2
Summary: In which Simon offers suggestions.
Prompt: R is for Rational
Episode: Top 24 Girls
“So what was that about?”
“You’re the one busy showing America how ‘straight’ you are.”
“I would never have dated Alaina.”
“Why not?”
“She’s got crazy eyes.”
“True. I was just trying to help.”
“Thanks. LaKisha was really good. Why are you smirking?”
“You were so relaxed and easy tonight.”
“So?”
“It proves my point. You panic on boys’ night.”
“How many times-I don’t panic.”
“Instead of panicking about flirting with Blake you might try flirting with girls other than LaKisha.”
“Shut up.”
“Make me.”
“You are such a child. Why am I with you?”
“The sex.”
“Oh yeah…”
03 From the Ranks of the Freaks Who Suspect They Could Never Love Anyone3
Summary: In which Simon pledges his troth.
Prompt: C is for Complete
Episode: Top 20 Boys
“Very relaxed tonight, Ryan. No panicking.”
“I never panicked in the first place.”
“Riiiiiight.”
“So, you were talking about me, weren’t you?”
“I said a lot of things tonight. Be specific.”
“To Sligh, about being saved?”
“That? No, I meant my mum.”
“Oh.”
“Of course I was talking about you. You knew that. You were beaming.”
“Later I thought you weren’t, since I’m not a woman.”
“This is why you should let me do all the thinking. I didn’t say woman; Sligh did.”
“Oh! Thank you darlin’, that was a sweet thing to say.”
“When do I get my reward?”
04 That's Not Purple, Mary; That Color Out There Is Mauve4
Summary: In which Ryan describes what used to be.
Prompt: O is for Over
Episode: Top 20 Girls
“Salmon my arse.”
“Oh whatever.”
“What were you doing admiring LaKisha’s legs like that, anyway?”
“Jealous?”
“No-o. One would think-my god, you did date big black girls at school, didn’t you?”
“High school. Not in LA. More of those girls in Atlanta.”
“I’m sure you bonded watching Oprah and eating nachos.”
“Simon…”
“Why not in LA?”
“I liked those girls. Once I got to LA, I didn’t want to date girls I liked.”
“Why not?”
“Well-“
“Ah. And now?”
“Now I date guys I don’t like.”
“Oh really? How is that working for you?”
“You tell me, darlin’.”
05 I'm Still Not to Be Had for the Price of a Cocktail, Like a Salted Peanut5
Summary: In which Ryan lays down the law.
Prompt: J is for Jealousy
Episode: Top 16 Boys
“You’re in a mood. Jealous much?”
“Who, me?”
“You glared at me every time I even got close to touching one of them.”
“Tight jeans…stubble…a jacket that actually fits…you look good enough to eat.”
“Hence the nibbling. Keep it in your pants.”
“Let’s do it here.”
“We have a bed and we’re using it. When you told me you wanted us to buy a house you said we wouldn’t be fucking in dressing rooms anymore.”
“I said we wouldn’t have to.”
“I know it’s hard-“
“I’ll say.”
“-but delay your gratification.”
“Tease.”
“Not me. I’m a sure thing.”
06 Her Voice Was Ever Soft, Gentle and Low-an Excellent Thing in a Woman6
Summary: In which both Ryan and Simon are dangerous in different ways.
Prompt: H is for Hold
Episode: Top 16 Girls
“I love that turtleneck.”
“You’d better; you’re the reason I’m wearing it.”
“You used your growl-voice with LaKisha and now I’m wondering if I really should be jealous.”
“At least she honestly wanted a hug, rather than wanting to piss you off.”
“Chris Sligh is an arse.”
“No kidding. Anyway, you’d hug LaKisha, too, if she asked you.”
“Without hesitation. But her family has practically adopted you.”
“I am a favorite of mamas, aunties and nanas the world around. Always have been.”
“Families tremble when they find out I’m dating their kids.”
“As well they should. You’re dangerous.”
“I try.”
07 He Turned to Me as If to Say: Hurry Boy, It's Waiting There for You7
Summary: In which Ryan is too smart to count his chickens.
Prompt: L is for Luck
Episode: Semifinals Results
“Ready for the party?”
“You’re wearing jeans.”
“After the way you acted this week I’m not wearing them on stage any more.”
“Don’t blame that on me; you always wear suits in the finals.”
“Still, I want to avoid a freak out like you had last year.”
“I’ll behave. Promise.”
“What has you in such a good mood? Approve of the finalists?”
“Just remembering the part of our trip they didn’t show. Come here.”
“Not too heavy?”
“Never. I’m a lucky man.”
“You are…”
“What?”
“I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“Suspicious?”
“You think I’m an idiot?”
08 Only Me Beside You, Still You're Not Alone8
Summary: In which Simon and Ryan discuss closets and Nanas.
Prompt: V is for Vulnerable
Episode: Top 12
“So that other shoe was a three-inch heel.”
“Don’t start. You wanted me to say it.”
“In front of Nana?”
“So you wouldn’t have to tell her? Absolutely.”
“You think she didn’t know?”
“When I met her before the show she didn’t treat me as the man corrupting her grandson, so I know she didn’t know.”
“Maybe she sees you as the man making her grandson happy. Think of that?”
“I’m making you happy?”
“In spite of yourself, yes. Come on, we’re taking her to dinner.”
“And she knows about us?”
“Yep.”
“Now I am nervous.”
“Good. You should be.”
09 Tell Me, Do You Want to See Me Do the Shimmy Again?9
Summary: In which Simon offers constructive criticism on Ryan's dancing talents.
Prompt: Z is for Zero
Episode: Top 11
“Kill me now.”
“I thought it was funny, actually.”
“I can’t believe I did that.”
“Oh calm down. Tomorrow they’ll be talking about your ridiculous dancing rather than your rude gesture.”
“You didn’t like it?”
“One, you looked like Johnny Carson … “
“Isn’t that a compliment?”
“Not in this instance. Two, you were flirting rather shamelessly with Blake.”
“Don’t do this again. First I’m too panicky, then I’m too flirty.”
“It isn’t me doing it.”
“Whatever. I thought you liked watching me dance.”
“Yes, in the privacy of our bedroom, scantily clad.”
“Command performance tonight, then?”
“Ooh, yes please.”
10 Sometimes You Make Me Want to Build a Model of the Eiffel Tower out of Belgian Waffles10
Summary: In which Ryan pushes Simon's buttons, using boots.
Prompt: D is for Dark
Episode: Top 10
“That suit looks almost as good as the jeans.”
“I’m glad you like it, darlin’. I know how you like to look at me.”
“Mugging for the camera, making the pretty couple with Blake. Everyone likes to look at you.”
“Not Blake; Blake likes to look at you.”
“Jealous?”
“Nope. Blake couldn’t handle you for longer than five minutes.”
“And you can?”
“And I have. I know where your buttons are and how to push them.”
“Then you should already know what I’m going to ask you.”
“You want me to wear the boots tonight? Done.”
“That’s my little fascist.”
11 No Use Permitting Some Prophet of Doom to Wipe Every Smile Away11
Summary: In which Ryan uses "Cake" to get Simon out of a bad mood.
Prompt: T is for Two
Episode: Top 9
“Did you wear that shirt to distract me with your cleavage?”
“No.”
“You gonna cheer up now that the American Songbook show is over?”
“No.”
“Or speak in words of more than one syllable?”
“No.”
“Then I get to talk with no interruption. I have gossip.”
“Oh?”
“Reliable sources tell me that Chris and Blake are doing it.”
“Really? What a pretty thought.”
“See, that got you talking. I suspect that Blake is a great big bossy top and Chris an adorable and playful bottom.”
“You have a wickedly fertile imagination.”
“All the better to seduce you with, my pretty.”
12 I Don't Want to Forget How Your Voice Sounds12
Summary: In which Simon names his price.
Prompt: N is for Never
Episode: Top 8
“Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“I’m not dancing for you.”
“I danced for you.”
“And?”
“Whatever. You’re dancing tonight.”
“Playing footsie on national television wasn’t enough?
“Nice try. I’d ask you to wear something tight and low-cut but that’s your entire wardrobe.”
“And you love it.”
“And you love being the center of attention.”
“Fine, what’s my reward?”
“What do you want?”
“Love that growl. I want you to shove your tongue up my arse until I come."
“You’re so vulgar, darlin’, you make me hot.”
“You’re not the only one who knows which buttons to push.”
13 Charm to Sooth a Savage Breast13
Summary: In which Ryan decides that maybe Simon doesn't need a bra after all.
Prompt: B is for Blue
Episode: Top 8 Results
“I need to make you blush more. You were so adorable it was all I could do not to kiss you.”
“Bit rude, about the bra.”
“Yeah, I take that back.
“Good.”
“Your tits look better free and jiggling.”
“I don’t have tits, Ryan.”
“You sure shook them for me last night.”
“They’re pecs. I’m a man, if you haven’t noticed.”
“Right now I notice your hard nipples poking through your shirt.”
“It’s cold.”
“It’s hot. Makes me wanna pinch one and suck the other, give it a little bite.”
“Take me home right now.”
“I’d better. You’re blushing again.”
14 The Sweetheart Rides the Rodeo Again14
Summary: In which Ryan proves he's an expert in Simon management.
Prompt: A is for Angry
Episode: Top 7
“What are you doing?”
“Um, taking off my makeup? Why?”
“You haven’t barged into my dressing room demanding an apology for what I said tonight.”
“Nope.”
“Aren’t you angry with me?”
“Nope.”
“Ryan.”
“Simon, if you had kept going, you would have bought us another two weeks of Sanjaya sympathy votes. I had to distract you.”
“By getting me to insult you?”
“I can take it. He can’t.”
“I’m beginning to think I’ve been managed.”
“You were, by an expert.”
“Hmph. But if you aren’t angry, do we still get a make-up shag?”
“Like I’m gonna say no to that.”
15 Bitter Turns to Sugar15
Summary: In which Ryan shows which of Simon's many moods he prefers.
Prompt: U is for Unbearable
Episode: Top 7 Results
“What a day.”
“Came out all right at the end, though.”
“Love that. Almost makes all the rest worthwhile.”
“See? I was right to stop you.”
“No, I was right to lay into him.”
“You are so irritating when you win that I almost prefer you when you’re glum.”
“Almost?”
“When you’re upset, you’re really high maintenance. When you’re pleased, the sex is better.”
“I’m always high maintenance. I’m worth it.”
“Oh god, here we go.”
“It’s why you love me.”
“No-no-no-no-no. I love you in spite of it.”
“So let’s go home and have some of that better sex.”
16 Just Slip Me On, I’ll Be Your Blanket16
Summary: In which Ryan asks Simon to say it.
Prompt: W is for Winter
Episode: Top 6
“Seriously, what’s with the shirt?”
“With the somber tone of tonight’s show I wanted to remind you of what’s really important: having sex with me.”
“Ah, I see. I love you, Simon Cowell.”
“Of course you do. Why now?”
“No matter what’s happening, you’re always yourself.”
“Is that a compliment?”
“Definitely.”
“All right then.”
“Say it.”
“Why?”
“We have a lot of tough things to get through, today and tomorrow, and I need to hear it.”
“Fine. I love you, Ryan Seacrest.”
“Thank you darlin’. Now, was that really so hard?”
“If it were easy it wouldn’t mean as much.”
17 There Is a Light Through That Window17
Summary: In which Simon asks Ryan to hold on.
Prompt: I is for Ice
Episode: Top 6 Results
“Don’t ever ask me to do that again.”
“If you’d touched me I would’ve lost it in front of millions of people. I couldn’t even look at you.”
“Standing around like an idiot with my hands in my pockets while you were hurting, watching footage of me standing around like an idiot with my hands in my pockets while you were hurting. I was right back in Kenya.”
“We comforted each other in the night. Anyway, Kenya wasn’t about us. Tonight wasn’t about me. ”
“So tonight we helped them. Now I want to help you.”
“Then don’t let go.”
18 Never Wash You Off My Face18
Summary: n which Ryan gets a special present.
Prompt: K is for Kiss
Episode: Top 6 Part Two
“You still have some on you.”
“You can see it?”
“I can taste it. If you’re going to make this a habit-“
“Oh, you’d love that.”
“-wear lipgloss that tastes better.”
“I’ll look into it. What?”
“You’re awfully agreeable lately.”
“Didn’t you say I make you happy? Perhaps you make me happy.”
“This isn’t just happiness. This is ungrouchiness. There’s a difference, and it’s suspicious.”
“I can’t be pleasant?”
“Nope, doesn’t last, so I should take advantage of it. Hmm. Can I have a pony?”
“No, but I’ll give you a ride later.”
“I like that even better.”
19 Well You’re Already in That Cage, Baby; You Built It Yourself19
Summary: In which Simon protects what's his.
Prompt: F is for Fear
Episode: Top 6 Part Two Results
“So we’re bad people?”
“No, but watching Chris and Blake made me think.”
“About what?”
“About showing how I feel instead of making convoluted jokes that you misunderstand.“
“Ryan, you could come out anytime. But you love how fake Hollywood is. You don’t want a real life any more than I do.”
“You’re reassuring me by calling us shallow?”
“Two shallow people in a deep, non-televised private relationship. I know what’s important and it isn’t telling US Magazine who I’m in love with.”
“But Simon-“
“They can’t have this. It’s ours.”
“It’s getting tougher to hide.”
“Then show me.”
20 Your Voice Across the Line Gives Me a Strange Sensation20
Summary: In which Ryan explains how the rules work.
Prompt: Q is for Quiet
Episode: Top 4
“I called you the next day.”
“What?”
“After our first date.”
“Simon, I was still there. We had breakfast. We fucked again after breakfast.”
“No, later.”
“Later we did the results show.”
“Now you’re being deliberately obtuse.”
“Oh, you mean in the car?”
“Yes, in the car.”
“That was a good phone call.”
“So there you go. I am the sort who calls the next day.”
“You can’t use me as an example.”
“Why not?”
“I’m the exception to every rule you ever had.”
“What?”
“Think about it, Cowell.”
“I … but …”
“See? I can even make you speechless.”
21 Show Me a Smile Then21
Summary: In which Ryan shows creative use of language.
Prompt: S is for Subtle
Episode: Top 4 Results
“Now I’m sad.”
“Me, too. But you know what cheered me?”
“What?”
“You managed to show how you feel after all.”
“Oh, yeah, that.”
“You weren’t talking about the show, now were you?”
“Well, you were on form … getting me into bed.”
“I was.”
“You were just brilliant last night … when you fucked me.”
“I’m very good.”
“I really enjoyed watching you … come.”
“It’s a pretty picture.”
“Thank you for being with me.”
“No place I’d rather be.”
“I appreciate everything you do … to get me off”
“Your pleasure is my pleasure.”
“Thank God for that.”
22 I Can’t Believe They Let You Run Around Free22
Summary: In which someone has a crush.
Prompt: E is for Echo
Episode: Top 3
“Why did you hit me about the head?”
“You were being obnoxious. Why did you accuse me of being drunk?”
“You were being ridiculous. You’re far too white to talk like that.”
“That’s why it’s funny.”
“Kissing Paula wasn’t funny?”
“No, it was weird.”
“You’re just jealous. And why did you say I have a musical crush? You’re the one with the crush.”
“Look who’s jealous! If you’d been nicer to him all this time maybe he’d like you as much as he likes me.”
“You are such a brat. Why am I with you?”
“The sex.”
“Oh yeah …”
23 Green Can Be Cool and Friendly-Like23
Summary: In which muppets are discussed.
Prompt: M is for Marks
Episode: Top 3 Results
“You going to be pissy all night?”
“No. She’ll be fine. I just don’t like surprises.”
“Then I’ll tell you now, I have to shave next week.”
“You are starting to look a bit like a muppet.”
“Really?”
“When you were scolding me, you had a very Kermit air about you.”
“Kermit doesn’t have any fur. He’s a frog.”
“Regardless, you remind me of Kermit.”
“You realize this makes you Miss Piggy.”
“Right, well, which muppet would suit me?”
“Dunno. Bert?”
“Bert?”
“Better than Oscar the Grouch. Anyone can call you that.”
“You’re certainly not just anyone.”
“I hope not.”
24 The Fundamental Things Apply24
Summary: In which Ryan waxes sentimental, only not really.
Prompt: G is for Goodbye
Episode: Top 2
“You were all over the place tonight.”
“I honestly cannot make up my mind.”
“Luckily you don’t have to.”
“But America needs me to make up their mind for them.”
“Oh, of course, I forgot.”
“So you like the shirt?”
“Very much.”
“And the man in it?”
“Him, I could take or leave.”
“You’ll have to, in a couple of months.”
“Don’t remind me. At least we’ll have the early summer.”
“Ryan, you make it sound like we’ll never see each other again. ‘We’ll always have Paris.’”
“More like, ‘We’ll always have CBS Television City.’”
“Less romantic.”
“But more us.”
25 For Once I Can Say This Is Mine You Can’t Take It25
Summary: In which Simon asks for this dance.
Prompt: Y is for Yes
Episode: Finale
“Simon, where have you been? You know how Connie gets about her In-and-Out Burger.”
“Your mother can wait a few minutes. Where has your CD player gone?”
“Over there. Is this where you’ve been, finding some song?”
“Not just ‘some song.’ I heard it tonight and it reminded me of you.”
“Yeah, I’m the wind beneath your wings, whatever. Let’s move.”
“Not that song. This one.”
“’For Once in My Life’? Reminds you of me?”
“I owe you a dance. May I have this one?”
“Are you going to lead?”
“Yes; I asked. Why?”
“I’m done leading for the night.”
26 I Need You So Much Closer26
Summary: In which Simon and Ryan take advantage of an 8-hour time difference, a lunch break, and a morning erection.
Prompt: X is for X-rated
Episode: Post-season, when Simon is back in London.
“Morning, darlin’.”
“Hello sweetheart. Feel my hand on your cock?"
“Ooh, yeah. Feel me sucking your nipple?”
“You’re still open and slick from the pounding I gave you last night.”
“I’m on my back spreading my legs for you.”
“Your arse is so tight.”
“You fuck me so good.”
“Jacking you off.”
“Pinching your hard nipples. S-so close.”
“Come for me. Say my name.”
“Simon, mine, yes …”
“Sounds so good, fuck, Ryan …”
“That was fast.”
“Well, I miss you.”
“I miss you too. But I love your wakeup calls.”
“Off you go. Call me later.”
“You know it.”
Title Quotes:
1Are we so freaked out over plagiarism that I have to footnote a convention?
2Kin Hubbard, American journalist and humorist
3"Save Me", Aimee Mann
4Angels in America, Tony Kushner
5All About Eve, Joseph Mankiewicz
6King Lear, William Shakespeare
7"Africa", David Paich (Toto)
8Into the Woods, Stephen Sondheim
9"Private Dancer", Mark Knopfler (Tina Turner)
10"You Make Me", "Weird Al" Yankovic
11"Cabaret", Fred Ebb and John Kander
12"Dance Dance", Fall Out Boy
13The Mourning Bride, William Congreve
14"The Sweetheart of the Rodeo", Emmylou Harris
15"My Ever Changing Moods", Paul Weller (Style Council)
16"I'll Cover You", Jonathan Larson
17"Prayer for the Dying", Seal
18"Night Drive", Jimmy Eat World
19Breakfast at Tiffany's, Truman Capote (novel), George Axelrod (screenplay)
20"Hanging on the Telephone", Jack Lee (Blondie)
21"True Colors", Tom Kelly and Billy Steinberg (Cyndi Lauper)
22"Jealousy", Liz Phair
23"Bein' Green", Joe Raposo
24"As Time Goes By", Herman Hupfeld
25"For Once in My Life", Stevie Wonder
26"Transatlanticism", Benjamin Gibbard and Christopher Walla (Death Cab for Cutie)